A social experiment in being more attentive

So sometimes when i first start seeing somebody i start avoiding their calls, missing them altogether, sending meaningless messages back in text or not at all. And then a few weeks later when the tables are turned i crave that attention.

So this time i am going to answer his calls, his texts and pretty much be responsive and attentive.

A sudden bout of self realisation

I was on a date last night and i almost felt like i was dating myself. And i didn't entirely like it but could tolerate it. I wonder if this is what men think when dating me.

So i was with a guy that could not stop talking about himself and his work and how fabulous he was and occasionally he would shout out a question to me but never really drilled back onto anything or made me comfortable enough to eleborate.

He noticed i said "fair enuf" a lot and now i notice myself saying it all the time and thats not even a word which has value.

Its scary to meet someone like that. But sometimes you meet people along the way to learn life lessons.

I deleted you and you did not even notice

I'm a little hurt you didn't. But i guess thats the truth right in my face.

Thank you, goodbye!

(I'm a little bit sad hat we spent so much time together and cannot salvage a friendship out of this.)

Throwing shit at the wall and hoping some of it sticks

Thats sometimes how i feel about my dating life. I struggle to define what i want, fall for the wrong men, have incredible times and indispicable lows.

Life is still fun and games. I think i crave for comfort and security yet i search for excitment and good times. Then i wander why i don't find what i am looking for.

I am approaching thirty. Do i really want to settle down? Why do i keep shunning the men that want me and respect me and want to treat me like a princess? Why do i keep falling for the lazy jerks that do not care if i shed a tear or not?

Perhaps deep down i am not ready. Perhaps deep down i need to get a grip on myself and learn some life lessons in appreciating and falling for the men that love and respect you back.

No that gorgeous multi millionaire who has ten million girls begging for even a glance isn't going to fall head over heels and come begging for my love and effection..

a little bit confused and all over the place

Emotions running amock.

One moment i miss you, the way you smile, the way you kiss me and hold me, the way i fall asleep in your arms and make love. The way you hold my hand.

And at other moments i hate you for not loving me, for not calling me, for not  making me feel like a princess.

And then there are other men.

The one from work that treats me oh so well, that wants me to bits, that respects me. The man i can see myself spending a lifetime with. The man i can see respecting me forever.

Then there is another with a slight more forbidden touch or an element of elusiveness. Too outspoken, lacking in emotional intelligence but the sexual chemistry from being an alpha make more than enought to keep my interest.

So good bye to the lazy man thats not worth it. Hello to you, whoever you may be...

On letting go of a friend

Sometimes i am so happy and she says whatever she can to make me come down. Its jealousy at its worst.

I still depend on her as a friend. Perhaps i need to distance myself a bit at times.

I have a lovely life, lovely friends, lovely family, lovely career. She just needs to a small part of it all. I should not make her a huge part as i have.

To make a move or not

I'm wandering what i can do. I like him. I want to have endless conversations with him and make him my world. Many months ago he offered to come down to my city and spend the weekend with me. I told him not to, that we should wait until we happen to be in the same city. And now i want to give it ago and i want that dedication and see if he feels the same and to give it a real go.

How do i get back what once was mine and i never took?

On two men

So there are two men that are potentials right now, each with their own sense of incredibleness. Each so right for me.

Genuine, ambitious, driven, self-assured, wanting the best in everything

And the other, daggy, successful, down to earth, desperate, searching for a soulmate

And both have their sights on me.

Which way will i turn?

Summer of...

The other night we were all out drinking, laughing, dancing. Its friday night in the city and we have been friends for much of time. Without the complications of a relationships, with the trust between friends, every friday night is fun and games.

There we were in that elysive bar down a rampaged set of stairs, sipping on a dirty gin martini discussing phillophy in the cave and stratergies for taking over the world and the role we play in it all.

Life is fun. What more do we need.

Its beautiful to have a group of friends like this. I tend to think this is the reward for staying put in one place.

Looking onwards and forwards into the future

It's that time again where life is all about possibilities and I am free as a bird.

It's that wonderful yet poignent and sad feeling that you met a man that you thought could be amazing together, and then you realise he isn't in fact who you thought he was and that he is in fact incapable of giving me what i want and need. You realise that it's not you and that its not him, its just that we are two very different people and to make it work is to try and fit a square peg into a round whole. I smile at the goodtimes that have been but i smile at the possibility of opening my heart once more to meet someone amazing.

And its that time of year again when there is no one on my mind. Only time will tell as to who will come my way.

Thankyou goodbye

You may call, but perhaps you never will.

Do i even reallu need to tell you its over if you actually never call? Does it matter?

It matters not. All that matters is that i have said my goodbyes.

Life is fun

The 2011 launch of the spring/summer party with our good friends was amazing and is setting the stage for all of the season. Its fun, its light hearted, a little bit mischevious and a little bit of caring.

We are good friends, the inside jokes are amazing and the subtle bits of sexual chemistry from accidently making a move on a friend from years gone by adding that touch of debauchery to make it all interesting.

What can i say? Its fun, it's lovely and its definitely not boring....

The ups and downs of making a decision

Its funny. I woke up feeling flat. I wandered around the market today with tunes in my head, head held high and turned many a head. I felt great. And then all of a suddden i would feel flat again.

The things is, today was the day to make a decision.

I have decided to drop him. Maybe still an occassional catch up after work but that would be all. He's not the man i want in the long term, he isn't the type of man capable of giving me what i want. He is a distraction, standing in the way of what i really want.

So today i thought long and hard, i went for my wander and my run and have decided that this ship has sailed. Sometimes good things must come to an end to make way for something fabulous.

Feelig a little down

Not so switched on today. Had a busy weekend full of friends. Seeing my family shortly.

It all seems so perfect on the surface. I just feel down. A little bit betrayed. A little bit incomplete.

Will i ever meet my alpha male

I look at what i need in a man and in relaity, he needs to keep up with me.

He needs to be driven and motivated and successfull with the ability to have conversations that challenge me intellectually and transcent time. I want to be with someone that feels like they can make the world spin.

And i want this, because thats what i am like. I want my equal or more. I want to see motivation and that desire to do everything in life brilliently. I want someone who sees success as a right rather than an aspiration.

Does such a man exist?

Perfection

I woke up the other morning and thought to myself, i don;t wish to change a single part of my body. Any skinnier and i'd be too bony and anything bigger just would not work.

I liked the way my clothes fit, the smile on my face and the way i looked in general.

The running, the weights sessions and motivation to physically push myself time and time again helps.

It's nice to wake up some days and not want to be anyone else than me and think yourself perfect...

Pride vs Honesty

How should it work?

I've been burnt by so many men in the past that i barely make a move these days. Wait in the sidelines time after time for a man to make it all happen. The reality is that, perhaps i need those days again where i was happy for it all to be mutual.

That me. That's authenticity.

I miss him. Perhaps tomorrow i should tell him.

Or do i wait on the sidelines for him to contact me once more?

Its a tough call. Do i walk away on the basis that he is not intersted or try to find out what the reality is? Has he made it clear already and am i living a fantasy or fairytale in my mind to think he is even interested?

Deep down, i like him and wish for his call and touch. I think he could be the man of my dreams....

To the man of the moment

If you happen to send me a note tomorrow:

Het stranger, haven't heard from you in a bit.  I know where I stand with you and have barely heard from you after what i thought was a few great nights together.

If you have the guts to make a phone call and want something more than an occasional romp call me. Otherwise thankyou,goodbye.

I'm being defensive

The reality is that i like him and i wish he felt the same. All other things are fluff.

Sometimes my fabulousness is enough to get me through and make me ecstatically happy that i sometimes forget that i truly deeply want him to be my man.

But love cannot be caught. It is shared by two souls in love. It needs to be mutual.

I can wait patiently.

Only time will tell

He hasn't contacted me for over a week. Not even a quick hello. Neither have i.

I guess this is no surprise. No telling of where we stand. I wonder what is going on in his head? Will he eventually think of me?

Part me thinks this is all very innocent. Partially being busy with life, starting a new job and figuring out what he wants in life. Partially a test of time to see how clingy i am and partially just wandering if i do in fact like him.

I've waited this long. I know where i stand. I can wait a bit more.

Besides i have a date on tuesday night with a man thats not you.

I like you but i have given myself to you and you were not sure. I'm keeping this 50/50.

Everything is perfect

I look in the bank account and find more money. I buy property on a whim and have somehow skipped that stage of not having enough money to get into property. I've laughed in the face of adversity and for some reason being in a ethnic minority or female hasn't really held me back. I've never focused on equality becuase it was more important to win and be more than everyone else.  Emotionally i understand myself and am learning to open up and let others in.

I turn thirty in a few months. I think the rollercoaster of my twenties is coming to an end and i have laid the foundations for a beautiful life.

Feeling content

Last night we headed to celebrate the start of spring at a funky bar which feels like home and those good old friends we have got to know so well.  Drinking, dancing, chatting and laughing, joking over nothings and musings on philosophy. 

And i met a man in all this too, flicked him my number and he's already messaged this morning.

And that man i am sort of seeing, well he got an occasional thought but i wasn't expecting a call and i had no guilt for i know where i stand and he is strangely consistant in his actions. And i almost deleted him from my life and stopped short of a friend pointing out that all was good and there was no need to.

But the thing is spring is here and its time for new beginnings. Let the games begin for another season!

Its hard to know what i should do

Do i drop him or keep trying?

Is my want of something spectacular somewhat of a fantasy?
Are men and women really that different?

I recall the days of being with a man that wanted to speak to me every night. I wish i could meet someone to feel that way about me once more.

R, you are lovely but you don't leave me so secure. I wonder whats going through your mind? Are you waiting for some affirmation from me or do you simply not care?

Communications is key.

Five words to describe him in retrospect

Lazy, warm heart, mediocre, young, unsure of what he wants in life

On reclaiming myself

I think it takes me a little while to let go. I've become more mature and not as reactive. I feel that i opened up to you and gave you all that i had but that your just not ready for it. I tried to hold onto it as well but i see things pretty clearly.

I just take time to let go.

And i don't hate you. We are just at different places in life. I just slowly start seeing you as a friend and not as a lover.

Tomorrow night is the start of spring. Its time to party with my best friends. The weekend is full of friends, sports and enjoying life in the most livable city in the world. 

There will be no time to wait for a call from you that never comes.

And the reality is i am thinking of others. Not anyone in particular per se. Just that craving to open my heart up to a summer of love with someone new. I'm a little stronger, a little more emotionally open and have learnt a few more lessons and love myself a tad more than i did before.

Most of all i am smiling and happy.

I want

I want to be in one of those relationships where i can't get enough of my man. Where i want to hear his voice each day and what he has been upto. I want to miss him when we are apart and look deeply into his eyes when we are together and feel truly, madly deeply in love.  I want him to feel the same for me.  I want him to tell me i am beautiful inside and out and that he cannot live without me by his side.

I'm a little insecure

I seem to move between two worlds. One where all my dreams come true and anothet where i wonder if i have sacrificed love for career.

But them everytime i love what i do, i love what drives me and i feel that sense of excalactic happiness, it had nothing to do with him.

I love depending on me but more so, i love creating my own adventure and enjoying all the steps of accomplishment along the way.

Let the party begin

Its that time of year again, everyones got a birthday to attend, the sun is shining, the flower's are blooming, the days are getting longer and Melburnites are emerging from their wintery slumber for some daylight.

And so once again we embark on a journey through summer to answer the ultimate question of them all: Can men and women truly be platonic friends.

So once again we will erace the past and all it's debauchery and start it all over again. We'll dress out best and the beautiful people will party like there is no tomorrow. We will smile, we will open out hearts, we will fall deeply madly in love and perhaps even harbour a broken heart to be mended.

But the things is, Life is baeutiful, the party season is upon us, friendships are flourishing and its time to throw caution at the wind and just go with life...

The thing is your living a different life

We want different things and you simply don't feel the same about me.

Is it that i never go for men that want to settle down and all my fault? Or is it that there is something in me to make you act this way.

The reality is that i am not the girl to cherish and love and respect. Your out with others and i barely mention a thought.  Your out sowing your seeds and enjoying life without me. I bet you don't even care.

I could let go and move on with my life. Read the signs and see them for reality.

The other night in that hip restaurant when you looked so hot and young, i wondered if you were out of my league. Perhaps you are. Perhaps i met you to learn a life lesson in opening up and standing up for myself.

Perhaps the life lesson will be half learnt until i truly do let go.

My dream man

My dream man would love me with an intensity and loyalty that barely anyone on this earth would know of. He would be my everything.

Someone i respect, trust and admire.

Does such a man really exist?

I'm living a dream in my mind

So i tried to be positive and think the best of the world.

But the thing is, not everyone is perfect. Yes i am attracted to you. But some girl was messaging and calling you all night and you had a box of condoms on your bag that i accidently found when i tried to leave you a birthday surprise.

And if i were to admit to myself, i miss G. He really was perfect for me. I also trusted him.

And this latest him. He's not honest. He's not right. He's just a bit of fun. I'm kidding myself with anything else.

And last night. I took you to the hippest place in town for your birthday. You turned up in your jeans and that tight black tee which makes you look ever so hot.  All other men would have turned up in a suit with cufflunks.

It felt somewhat sureal. You looked so hot and young. I wondered if i could even compete and felt lucky to have that night with you. In terms of looks, perhaps i am just out of your league. Perhaps i just need to accept that you are a toy boy.