They say that a guy that makes you cry just isn't worth your tears, yet they keep flowing.
Why do i keep doing this to myself i ask. I went into it knowing very well how difficult love can be when one does not have a home and the miles start adding up. When a three year relationship with a guy i loved with such intensity couldn't last the test of distance, what was it that made me think a 5 day holiday romance could?
Love is irrational and its so easy to get carried away by the moment. I've always thought that its better to have loved and lived, that to live your life afraid of what could be. But now i am beginning to feel that i owe it to myself to have some sort of self-protection. That i need to stop living life in incredible highs and horrible lows.
So one sunny day while sipping papaya juice and watching the ocean in Beautiful Goa i meet a man whose eyes convey the deepest of yearnings for me. With his emails and phone calls he woos me back and i find myself traversing through Asia and flying back into his arms for a fabulous five days of bliss before real-life beckons.
We make plans for the future, to spent new years together, to have adventures together, everything seems so amazing. That is until life comes knocking at our doors and his world spins with fashion shows, london galleries and internations business endeavours. I too am no better flying around australia, contemplating new careers, going out with friends new and old and entertaining the idea of possible dates.
Yet i still have a soft spot for him. I even call him. I haven't heard from him in over a week. He makes me sad and he makes me cry. I always figure if you really wanted to get in touch with someone no matter where you are in the world, you can if you really want to. So really, its time for me to let go even though its so hard and even though i crave him touch and the way he looks at me.
Once again its time to say goodbye. As one door closes another one opens.......
Monday, December 03, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
And another one bites the dust
So here i am in that familiar situation again, packing up my life into various suitcases, about to leave another life, about to start another life.
And again this time i am ready to leave. Having exhausted my friends, having not made many and having seen the very few friends i have made leave my life. The thing about travelling is that you tend to meet other travellers. Everyone always leaves for home. Yet i travel from place to place to place that even home lacks the familiarity.
So its been a tough few months but its been an experience where i feel i have matured, yet i think some experiences are better left alone so that you can do the learning at your own pace. Yes i am setting myself up for becomming a global manager, yes these experiences are pulling in notches on my belt as i become a corporate globetrotter, yet i have this immense feeling - Is this what i want?
Write now i am lonely, i have no close friends. Sometimes life is peachy and exciting, sometimes its one huge low. Maybe sometimes i want to be content.
Yet it hasn't all been bad, i just happen to be in one of those moods.
My weekends in Bombay, wandering through colaba, the markets, the bazaars, the exclusive sushi bars, casually getting into a can to stroll through malabar hill, to wander through a museam and enjoy a fresh lime soda. Those visits have been magical from learning to confidentloy get around India on my own to feeling the magic of a city which is so complex and hypocritical and beautiful in its own way.
And then there was those random business trips where i would find myself flying into Bombay and would call a friend and end up at an upmarket bar with a mohito in one hand and a papaya sushi in the other, laughing and drinking with my globe trotting successful worldly friends. Those are the moments where you pause and reflect on how lucky you are.
And that moment when i was standing at the ledge of a waterfall about to rapel down with only the rope as my life line and i fully connected with the quote on my strawberry outboud tour operators T-shirt "Adventure is when you say to yourself, ''Oh, now I've got myself into an awful mess; I wish ....."". But like all adventures its the courage it takes to make that first step down thats the hardest, and when you push yourself off its an amazing feeling of accomplishment, to repel down the waterfall, feeling the water on your skin, to see the ground approaching and gazing out over the mountainside when time starts moving slower, that makes it all worthwhile.
Another flight took me to Goa. Now what a beautiful place that is. Beach, sun and a social life. I made more friends in three days that i had in the last three months. From walking along the beach, taking a boat ride along the backwaters to sitting at the beach cafe sipping hot lemon tea and papaya juice while watching the ocean - If bliss needed to be redefined that would be the definition.
And the unexpected moments of romance and what could be. That last morning sitting at the beach cafe in palolem i meet someone that sparks my interest. Lovely palolem, the sun, the beach, the seafood, the friendliness and the potential sparks of romance are enough for me to come back there, and so on the nonsical whim i book myself a flight back over. After my trip to the Himalayas in Nepal and a short look at the gangas of Varanasi. Now its at those moments that i really feel the excitement.
So life has been a whole coktail of emotions ...
And again this time i am ready to leave. Having exhausted my friends, having not made many and having seen the very few friends i have made leave my life. The thing about travelling is that you tend to meet other travellers. Everyone always leaves for home. Yet i travel from place to place to place that even home lacks the familiarity.
So its been a tough few months but its been an experience where i feel i have matured, yet i think some experiences are better left alone so that you can do the learning at your own pace. Yes i am setting myself up for becomming a global manager, yes these experiences are pulling in notches on my belt as i become a corporate globetrotter, yet i have this immense feeling - Is this what i want?
Write now i am lonely, i have no close friends. Sometimes life is peachy and exciting, sometimes its one huge low. Maybe sometimes i want to be content.
Yet it hasn't all been bad, i just happen to be in one of those moods.
My weekends in Bombay, wandering through colaba, the markets, the bazaars, the exclusive sushi bars, casually getting into a can to stroll through malabar hill, to wander through a museam and enjoy a fresh lime soda. Those visits have been magical from learning to confidentloy get around India on my own to feeling the magic of a city which is so complex and hypocritical and beautiful in its own way.
And then there was those random business trips where i would find myself flying into Bombay and would call a friend and end up at an upmarket bar with a mohito in one hand and a papaya sushi in the other, laughing and drinking with my globe trotting successful worldly friends. Those are the moments where you pause and reflect on how lucky you are.
And that moment when i was standing at the ledge of a waterfall about to rapel down with only the rope as my life line and i fully connected with the quote on my strawberry outboud tour operators T-shirt "Adventure is when you say to yourself, ''Oh, now I've got myself into an awful mess; I wish ....."". But like all adventures its the courage it takes to make that first step down thats the hardest, and when you push yourself off its an amazing feeling of accomplishment, to repel down the waterfall, feeling the water on your skin, to see the ground approaching and gazing out over the mountainside when time starts moving slower, that makes it all worthwhile.
Another flight took me to Goa. Now what a beautiful place that is. Beach, sun and a social life. I made more friends in three days that i had in the last three months. From walking along the beach, taking a boat ride along the backwaters to sitting at the beach cafe sipping hot lemon tea and papaya juice while watching the ocean - If bliss needed to be redefined that would be the definition.
And the unexpected moments of romance and what could be. That last morning sitting at the beach cafe in palolem i meet someone that sparks my interest. Lovely palolem, the sun, the beach, the seafood, the friendliness and the potential sparks of romance are enough for me to come back there, and so on the nonsical whim i book myself a flight back over. After my trip to the Himalayas in Nepal and a short look at the gangas of Varanasi. Now its at those moments that i really feel the excitement.
So life has been a whole coktail of emotions ...
Friday, June 22, 2007
As the Novelty wears off
Now that its been a while the frustration begins to kick in. The first few weeks were great with mini sphiphanies every second. Seeing a different way of doing business, exploring another culture, meeting people, learning new things, finding my feet.
But with it comes some things that just don't seem to be sorting itself out. I feel like i come from a clock work society and at times its a shock to the system when some things just don't get done.
The culture and fitting in, questions as to how much i should be me and how much i should adapt. The differences between men and women and the way they interact. Being here it really makes me realise the assumptions i make in my daily life as they no longer hold up.
Today its another day at the office and the details of my project and why i am here are still unclear. At first i thought they had it under control, they always had something for me to do. Study this, learn this, go on a customer visit and it was great and they were friendly and encouraging. I am beginning to think that its all somewhat of a distraction because there is no project. Either that or they don't want me to work on it.
My attempts to ask for something and draw up a plan once again got a wait. Sometimes with the Indians it seems that you just need to be patient and they will sort it ou. Yet some things seem to just drag on and on.
So why am i here away from the comforts of home?
But with it comes some things that just don't seem to be sorting itself out. I feel like i come from a clock work society and at times its a shock to the system when some things just don't get done.
The culture and fitting in, questions as to how much i should be me and how much i should adapt. The differences between men and women and the way they interact. Being here it really makes me realise the assumptions i make in my daily life as they no longer hold up.
Today its another day at the office and the details of my project and why i am here are still unclear. At first i thought they had it under control, they always had something for me to do. Study this, learn this, go on a customer visit and it was great and they were friendly and encouraging. I am beginning to think that its all somewhat of a distraction because there is no project. Either that or they don't want me to work on it.
My attempts to ask for something and draw up a plan once again got a wait. Sometimes with the Indians it seems that you just need to be patient and they will sort it ou. Yet some things seem to just drag on and on.
So why am i here away from the comforts of home?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Mumbai (Bombay) - A never ending city
Mumbai (or Bombay if you prefer) is a large city. By large i mean so large the meaning of "large takes on a new meaning.
Take the CBD of melbourne, create about 50 replicas, age them by about 100 years, add some random bridges to connect the replicas, fill with ocean, Add 4-5 beautiful modern building in unexpected places and fill every other place with people and slums. Then you have Bombay!
This is a bustling city which never ends and makes Sydney's traffic problems a dream come through.
Flying in it was a never ending plethora of buildings and slums - walking around the whole concept of privacy and personal space disapears. Yet there's beauty in the simplicity of life, in the friendliness of people in helping one another.
Having been in India for about a month now i think i am almost used to it. Its lovely and frustrating and rich and poor and luxurious and poverty stricken all at the same time. Completely in your face with ups and downs.
At times i love it, the experience of being here, figuring out how to get around and get things done, the work, my project, the opportunities this will bring in the future, being paid to travel.
Other times i just feel like crying, being away from creature comforts, every experience turning into a challenge at the best of times, the endless waiting which seems to be an integral part of life here, the fact that most things work some of the time and that its ok like that.
Take the CBD of melbourne, create about 50 replicas, age them by about 100 years, add some random bridges to connect the replicas, fill with ocean, Add 4-5 beautiful modern building in unexpected places and fill every other place with people and slums. Then you have Bombay!
This is a bustling city which never ends and makes Sydney's traffic problems a dream come through.
Flying in it was a never ending plethora of buildings and slums - walking around the whole concept of privacy and personal space disapears. Yet there's beauty in the simplicity of life, in the friendliness of people in helping one another.
Having been in India for about a month now i think i am almost used to it. Its lovely and frustrating and rich and poor and luxurious and poverty stricken all at the same time. Completely in your face with ups and downs.
At times i love it, the experience of being here, figuring out how to get around and get things done, the work, my project, the opportunities this will bring in the future, being paid to travel.
Other times i just feel like crying, being away from creature comforts, every experience turning into a challenge at the best of times, the endless waiting which seems to be an integral part of life here, the fact that most things work some of the time and that its ok like that.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
A process of self discovery
The last few months have really been a process of self discovery for myself. Trying to wade through the tangle that is my life to figure out exactly what i want.
And even today i was so confused, a web of uncertainty with so many choices. And the past few months, work wise trying something new, relationship wise trying to figure out what i want, what i'm doing right, what i'm doing wrong. Family wise, realising i need to forgive and forget and be happy for the amazing support and love i get from my family. In terms of friends, figuring out who will and won't stand by you, realising that despite having so many friends ultimately the only ones who will stand by me through thick and thin are my family, and that i need to start putting them first.
I have realised one thing though, tonight has been a night of revelations. The times where i have been happiest at work i have known where i am going. And lately i haven't. I took some advice i maybe should not have. Be open, my manager said, but for me her strategy is really a drifters one.
I had a training session two weeks ago where they gave me a piece of paper and relaxing music and said think for a few minutes and write down your vision for work life. Mine was blank, i had no idea what i want.
And tonight, and over the past few months i think what i need is a map in my mind and a vision of where i want to be. Looking around job sites there was a random array of things that seemed ok but nothing that really struck a passion cord.
And today i saw something, an area that i have always had a passion for and a position advertised that had my name all over it. And the feelings i have inside make me think thats where i need to go, weather with my company now or with someone else.
Despite studying engineering my real passion is for analysis and marketing. Its what i have found interesting in the positions i have held and i think my strengths lie in analysis. The career path leads up to senior management which is where i want to go.
I will go to india with work, but after that, once rotations are over i will look at all options. If i get what i want from this company for the right salary where i feel appreciated i will stay, but at the same time i will take the best offer that is best for me, not in the interest of a large corporation.
It feels good though, its like my mind has been in chaos for a while and a chord has struck and what i want is a lot clearer in some aspects.
And even today i was so confused, a web of uncertainty with so many choices. And the past few months, work wise trying something new, relationship wise trying to figure out what i want, what i'm doing right, what i'm doing wrong. Family wise, realising i need to forgive and forget and be happy for the amazing support and love i get from my family. In terms of friends, figuring out who will and won't stand by you, realising that despite having so many friends ultimately the only ones who will stand by me through thick and thin are my family, and that i need to start putting them first.
I have realised one thing though, tonight has been a night of revelations. The times where i have been happiest at work i have known where i am going. And lately i haven't. I took some advice i maybe should not have. Be open, my manager said, but for me her strategy is really a drifters one.
I had a training session two weeks ago where they gave me a piece of paper and relaxing music and said think for a few minutes and write down your vision for work life. Mine was blank, i had no idea what i want.
And tonight, and over the past few months i think what i need is a map in my mind and a vision of where i want to be. Looking around job sites there was a random array of things that seemed ok but nothing that really struck a passion cord.
And today i saw something, an area that i have always had a passion for and a position advertised that had my name all over it. And the feelings i have inside make me think thats where i need to go, weather with my company now or with someone else.
Despite studying engineering my real passion is for analysis and marketing. Its what i have found interesting in the positions i have held and i think my strengths lie in analysis. The career path leads up to senior management which is where i want to go.
I will go to india with work, but after that, once rotations are over i will look at all options. If i get what i want from this company for the right salary where i feel appreciated i will stay, but at the same time i will take the best offer that is best for me, not in the interest of a large corporation.
It feels good though, its like my mind has been in chaos for a while and a chord has struck and what i want is a lot clearer in some aspects.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Another life to be left
So its almost the end of May and how my life has changed.
To think since my last post there have been so many men, empty sex. There's been three of them in my life since - each that i have been excitede about for a brief moment
And today i met an old flame out of the blue.
And know what i realised - travel does not lead the way to a stable relationship. Maybe this is why my life has been so empty - i am always ready to run away.
So i am off to india for four months -- lets see what life will unfold this time
To think since my last post there have been so many men, empty sex. There's been three of them in my life since - each that i have been excitede about for a brief moment
And today i met an old flame out of the blue.
And know what i realised - travel does not lead the way to a stable relationship. Maybe this is why my life has been so empty - i am always ready to run away.
So i am off to india for four months -- lets see what life will unfold this time
Friday, April 06, 2007
When friends let you down
And so someone i knew for 8 years made a move on me. Completely unexpected, he kissed me.
And it was a pleasent surprise and with 8 years of friendship behind us i trusted him. I let him in, not just ohysically on the surface but emotionally as well. Because he was my friend, i could trust him, he wouldnt hurt me.
And how wrong i was and a friend can hurt you more than some random stranger, more than even an enemy.
My life is crazy --> work, sex, men, alcohol, dancing , tears
Lots and lots of tears
And it was a pleasent surprise and with 8 years of friendship behind us i trusted him. I let him in, not just ohysically on the surface but emotionally as well. Because he was my friend, i could trust him, he wouldnt hurt me.
And how wrong i was and a friend can hurt you more than some random stranger, more than even an enemy.
My life is crazy --> work, sex, men, alcohol, dancing , tears
Lots and lots of tears
Monday, December 25, 2006
Oh to be driven again
Its Christmas Day and i am all alone in a big house. My new place really in a nice trendy neighbourhood. I thought this was what i wanted.
Its only now i realise i don't really have anyone. I have family but i dont appreciate them enough. Right now i should be home with them. Not here on my own.
Friends --> i don't have many to call real.
My life is not so busy anymore and i need it to be busy. Thats when i am at my happiest, when i am driven, busy, determined to succeed
Right now i am lonely and sad. I just want a friend and a hug. To feel the excitement of being alive. I dont know whats wrong with me, i've spent the last six nights going out and drinking with different friends. i should enjoy quiet time on my own.
I guess being alone of christmas is pretty sad
Its only now i realise i don't really have anyone. I have family but i dont appreciate them enough. Right now i should be home with them. Not here on my own.
Friends --> i don't have many to call real.
My life is not so busy anymore and i need it to be busy. Thats when i am at my happiest, when i am driven, busy, determined to succeed
Right now i am lonely and sad. I just want a friend and a hug. To feel the excitement of being alive. I dont know whats wrong with me, i've spent the last six nights going out and drinking with different friends. i should enjoy quiet time on my own.
I guess being alone of christmas is pretty sad
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I used to know what i wanted
Last year when i graduated, or even the years before i was sure i was different to everyone else. I knew myself and i knew what i wanted out of life and what i wanted to become. I thought i've been working all this time, nothing will change now.
Yet little did i realise in less that a year my whole viewpoint has changed. Maybe i thought i was more mature than i actually am, maybe i am actually less mature and am only now realising what others realised long ago.
So my new life and this is what i see
* I dont have all the answers and sometimes being stubborn i ignored reality even when it was right in front of me
* Doing the honourable thing doesn't always pay
* Money does matter ( to a certain extent at least)
* I don't want to be an engineer and am more commercially orientated
* You can never really take a break and stop from life --> even if you were successful to continue to be so you need to keep pushing and trying
* Its getting harder to motivate myself
* Everyone needs a place to call home
* Friends are one of the most beautiful and important things in life
* Family is also --> Will always be by your side no matter what
* Right now if someone can't make you number one in their life then they are not the right man for you and by holding on you will eventually get hurt and letting yourself become the victim.
Well right now my mind is in a whole new career mindset. I like engineering to a certain extent but its the sales. strategy, marketing, business development side that really takes my interest. Right now i am doing a online course on marketing just out of interest because i can't wait until i sort out the masters/MBA issue.
Now thats another issue in itself
--> Do i study for the GMAT and try and find the time/money to do one at a wolrdclass university
or --> Do i just enrol in an online course which will take me now and just get on with learning something
or--> Do i drop the MBA idea altogether and just buy the books and do the study and dont worry about the actual qualification as the skills will carry me thru. But then you probably need the formal qualification to move forward through an organisation, to open doors.
So once again lots to think about as this year draws to a close. I am 25 and i guess i have time on my hands to make this decision. I just feel like i am standing still at times and feel i should do something. Would having patience be virtue in this case or stop my progress?
Yet little did i realise in less that a year my whole viewpoint has changed. Maybe i thought i was more mature than i actually am, maybe i am actually less mature and am only now realising what others realised long ago.
So my new life and this is what i see
* I dont have all the answers and sometimes being stubborn i ignored reality even when it was right in front of me
* Doing the honourable thing doesn't always pay
* Money does matter ( to a certain extent at least)
* I don't want to be an engineer and am more commercially orientated
* You can never really take a break and stop from life --> even if you were successful to continue to be so you need to keep pushing and trying
* Its getting harder to motivate myself
* Everyone needs a place to call home
* Friends are one of the most beautiful and important things in life
* Family is also --> Will always be by your side no matter what
* Right now if someone can't make you number one in their life then they are not the right man for you and by holding on you will eventually get hurt and letting yourself become the victim.
Well right now my mind is in a whole new career mindset. I like engineering to a certain extent but its the sales. strategy, marketing, business development side that really takes my interest. Right now i am doing a online course on marketing just out of interest because i can't wait until i sort out the masters/MBA issue.
Now thats another issue in itself
--> Do i study for the GMAT and try and find the time/money to do one at a wolrdclass university
or --> Do i just enrol in an online course which will take me now and just get on with learning something
or--> Do i drop the MBA idea altogether and just buy the books and do the study and dont worry about the actual qualification as the skills will carry me thru. But then you probably need the formal qualification to move forward through an organisation, to open doors.
So once again lots to think about as this year draws to a close. I am 25 and i guess i have time on my hands to make this decision. I just feel like i am standing still at times and feel i should do something. Would having patience be virtue in this case or stop my progress?
Monday, December 04, 2006
Moving on
One of the hardest things to do, not giving into temptation, realising that the pain is worse that the pleasure.
So i say goodbye to the man with a wife and kids, and welcome to a life full of fun, adventure, romance, friendships and honesty.
Honesty is one of the most important qualities a person must possess to really be great and respected. Without it one is nothing.
A friend has come through for me in such an amazing way. To have someone say to you " call me whenever you need to, even if i am at work, i will be there" , and its a promise which rings so true. Thats the mark of a great friendship and one i am truly greatful for having.
Life is about having beautiful friends who surround you, and S and J , you are two amazing people in my life that i love so much and couldn't live without and i know i can depend on you for a shoulder to lean on whenever i need, and i will do the same for you in a second.
So i say goodbye to the man with a wife and kids, and welcome to a life full of fun, adventure, romance, friendships and honesty.
Honesty is one of the most important qualities a person must possess to really be great and respected. Without it one is nothing.
A friend has come through for me in such an amazing way. To have someone say to you " call me whenever you need to, even if i am at work, i will be there" , and its a promise which rings so true. Thats the mark of a great friendship and one i am truly greatful for having.
Life is about having beautiful friends who surround you, and S and J , you are two amazing people in my life that i love so much and couldn't live without and i know i can depend on you for a shoulder to lean on whenever i need, and i will do the same for you in a second.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Big Items to Purchase
And today i bought a brand new car. It was one of the most simplest things i have ever done really, although a lot of money will be spent over the next few years.
This is a sign of growing up, that i've sort of made, that life is easy. I'm 25 and its my car and i did it myself. Its scary in a way too that i'm getting older, life gets easier and harder at the same time.
Its funny, having it all doesnt make me so happy, i'm not as excited, i didn't even think about it that much really. Its like life goes on.
Maybe i am just burnt out, i haven't had a break since february and life has been full on. Maybe i just need a rest.
I can't even find a song i like
So i bought a new car --> why am i not happy?
This is a sign of growing up, that i've sort of made, that life is easy. I'm 25 and its my car and i did it myself. Its scary in a way too that i'm getting older, life gets easier and harder at the same time.
Its funny, having it all doesnt make me so happy, i'm not as excited, i didn't even think about it that much really. Its like life goes on.
Maybe i am just burnt out, i haven't had a break since february and life has been full on. Maybe i just need a rest.
I can't even find a song i like
So i bought a new car --> why am i not happy?
Sunday, November 12, 2006
On Falling in Love with a married man
At the end of the day, deep down i realise it will never work. If i had of known at the start that he was married i never would have gone into it. Yet he didn't tell me and i fell head over heels. Sometimes i convince myself i haven't, but i think the truth is i have and sometimes i let my busy life cloud this fact and deceive myself.
Its times like these when i realise why this is not a good idea and i should just let it go. That it will get harder and harder as time goes on. I feel down right now, right at this moment --> yet i have no way of contacting him. I can come online and get more and more depressed, thats about it.
I said to myself, when this gets painful i stop. I think this is the time. Its tempting, its hard, i'm not even sure how to stop, but right now, at this moment i recognise that it is making me down and unhappy and unsure and sad.
Now to act out my words
Its times like these when i realise why this is not a good idea and i should just let it go. That it will get harder and harder as time goes on. I feel down right now, right at this moment --> yet i have no way of contacting him. I can come online and get more and more depressed, thats about it.
I said to myself, when this gets painful i stop. I think this is the time. Its tempting, its hard, i'm not even sure how to stop, but right now, at this moment i recognise that it is making me down and unhappy and unsure and sad.
Now to act out my words
Big city life!
So there is a difference between Melbourne and Brisbane, or is it all in my mind, or the fact that this is where i grew up....
The relaxed yet still moderately busy, challenging in a good way, interesting and adventurous lifestyle is gone. After 3.5 months i am back in the Melbourne 'mush' and life sure has sped up and i feel like i am living 30 hours in everyday. And coming back to this, I'm finding it difficult to fit my life in as it used to be, like those gym sessions i should be going to.
So I'm contemplating MBA schools and investing in an apartment or buying my own place, rethinking where i want to go with my career and wondering what in the world i will do about my love life. Its not like i am havng fun as well and its all work work work, no not at all......
Monday night i was out on the town, tuesday i lazed around taking advantage of the public holiday, thursday night i went out for dinner and some bottles of red. Friday was a quiet one, mainly because there is something wrong with my phone, saturday morning was running around an info session at the melbourne business school and then a hens night which got too queit so went out hitting some bars.
And then we get to today, random wander around the city marvelling at its beauty and how lucky i am to be able to call it home. Watching a band at the greek festival in fed square before heading over to see a some beautiful pictures at the Earth from above Photography exhibition on the Yarra riverside to the side of Federation square.
I managed to make some ammends with an old highschool friend who i might catch up with later this week and have plans to meet up for dinner with another really good friend for wednesday night. Despite being out almost every night i still haven't seen everyone thats in some way an important part of my life. I guess i am licky in some ways like that too......to have so many friends --> but sometimes i have to wonder how genuine they are.
Also managed to have a great chat with another friend from canada who i met in Brisbane who has been in the middle of nowhere doing site work for the last three weeks. Had a good chat about being the only female on site and the implications that has on your sex life.
Who would think in the middle of all this that i actually work full time heh.maybe what this blog entry is relaly telling me is to slow down, relax, and not do so much!
The relaxed yet still moderately busy, challenging in a good way, interesting and adventurous lifestyle is gone. After 3.5 months i am back in the Melbourne 'mush' and life sure has sped up and i feel like i am living 30 hours in everyday. And coming back to this, I'm finding it difficult to fit my life in as it used to be, like those gym sessions i should be going to.
So I'm contemplating MBA schools and investing in an apartment or buying my own place, rethinking where i want to go with my career and wondering what in the world i will do about my love life. Its not like i am havng fun as well and its all work work work, no not at all......
Monday night i was out on the town, tuesday i lazed around taking advantage of the public holiday, thursday night i went out for dinner and some bottles of red. Friday was a quiet one, mainly because there is something wrong with my phone, saturday morning was running around an info session at the melbourne business school and then a hens night which got too queit so went out hitting some bars.
And then we get to today, random wander around the city marvelling at its beauty and how lucky i am to be able to call it home. Watching a band at the greek festival in fed square before heading over to see a some beautiful pictures at the Earth from above Photography exhibition on the Yarra riverside to the side of Federation square.
I managed to make some ammends with an old highschool friend who i might catch up with later this week and have plans to meet up for dinner with another really good friend for wednesday night. Despite being out almost every night i still haven't seen everyone thats in some way an important part of my life. I guess i am licky in some ways like that too......to have so many friends --> but sometimes i have to wonder how genuine they are.
Also managed to have a great chat with another friend from canada who i met in Brisbane who has been in the middle of nowhere doing site work for the last three weeks. Had a good chat about being the only female on site and the implications that has on your sex life.
Who would think in the middle of all this that i actually work full time heh.maybe what this blog entry is relaly telling me is to slow down, relax, and not do so much!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Another new start
Starting a new job is really difficult.
I do it so often rotating around the company you would think i would get used to it. But you go in meeting new people and no one knows who you are. And you start all over again, you suddently go from being great at what you do to knowing almost nothing.
You have no track record and you need to build up a reputation once again. Sometimes this period is depressing because in your mind you are like i had something great and i wanted more from life so i left what was great in search of something greater.
Sometimes that something greater brings pain and sadness. All the changes, the unfamiliarity, the instability. I'm a successful strong beautiful fit intelligent adventurous women with the whole world in front of me, and yet all i really want is a man to give me a hug and hold me in his arms and make me feel special. I crave it, crave it soo bad it hurts.
So is all this worth it. I'm tired, tired of reaching for so much. Am i burning myself? Is this what this feeling is? Its not like i work long hours and weekends are saved just for adventures and partying. So how could i be burning out?
I guess for now i will go along with it. Cos really my life is geat, even amazing. I just don't know why i feel so down sometimes.
Thats all
And i miss him
I do it so often rotating around the company you would think i would get used to it. But you go in meeting new people and no one knows who you are. And you start all over again, you suddently go from being great at what you do to knowing almost nothing.
You have no track record and you need to build up a reputation once again. Sometimes this period is depressing because in your mind you are like i had something great and i wanted more from life so i left what was great in search of something greater.
Sometimes that something greater brings pain and sadness. All the changes, the unfamiliarity, the instability. I'm a successful strong beautiful fit intelligent adventurous women with the whole world in front of me, and yet all i really want is a man to give me a hug and hold me in his arms and make me feel special. I crave it, crave it soo bad it hurts.
So is all this worth it. I'm tired, tired of reaching for so much. Am i burning myself? Is this what this feeling is? Its not like i work long hours and weekends are saved just for adventures and partying. So how could i be burning out?
I guess for now i will go along with it. Cos really my life is geat, even amazing. I just don't know why i feel so down sometimes.
Thats all
And i miss him
Monday, October 16, 2006
Falling in Love
Until about three weeks ago i thought the days of falling madly, passionaltely crazy in love were over. That those feelings were about a first love when you were younger and didn't really know yourself. When you hadn't been hurt before so you didn't realise the risk you took in hurling yourself head first into love. The days when you hadn't discovered who you were, so it was easy to make yourself fit with someone else.
I Thought as you grow older its about compromising, working at it and being with someone you like, but the magic is of another kind.
Until i met one man, the perfect man for me really. And one super brilliant amazing week where there were no games, just two people madly in love who wanted to spend their time together. Intellectually, physically , emotionally , it just worked.
But now he lives on the other side of the world and i have memories of one fabulous week. And then i find he has a wife and kids.
So what does that mean?, everything i felt was based on a lie. But then was it all a lie?, He is thinking of leaving his family so does that mean his feelings were really. That we accidently fell for each other?
I still feel the strength of emotion, i still think a lot of him..........so do i say goodbye to the one guy that brought magic back into my life or do i jump right in and see where life takes me?
I Thought as you grow older its about compromising, working at it and being with someone you like, but the magic is of another kind.
Until i met one man, the perfect man for me really. And one super brilliant amazing week where there were no games, just two people madly in love who wanted to spend their time together. Intellectually, physically , emotionally , it just worked.
But now he lives on the other side of the world and i have memories of one fabulous week. And then i find he has a wife and kids.
So what does that mean?, everything i felt was based on a lie. But then was it all a lie?, He is thinking of leaving his family so does that mean his feelings were really. That we accidently fell for each other?
I still feel the strength of emotion, i still think a lot of him..........so do i say goodbye to the one guy that brought magic back into my life or do i jump right in and see where life takes me?
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Another year gone.
So its been a year and I've lost and found this blog again. It really interesting reading something which i wrote a year ago. It almost feels like a whole lifetime has past in between!
Looking back i've become more humble and modest and have realised i don't always have all the answers. Its not really a loss of confidence because that's still there and going strong, just an understanding of my presense in the world. Realising that while i may be the centre of my world, its not neccessarily the centre of other peoples.
I've acheived a lot, i've matured a lot, i've gone from strength to strength but i have also failed and survived. Things that were missing in my life before i've been working on, so to sum it all up i would say i am moving backwards.
I lead an exciting life with a successful career, lots of travel, weekend adventures, great friends, great career, great relationship with family .......in no real particular order.
I'll try to keep this up to date, random ramblings and thoughts as i elaborate on my life.
Looking back i've become more humble and modest and have realised i don't always have all the answers. Its not really a loss of confidence because that's still there and going strong, just an understanding of my presense in the world. Realising that while i may be the centre of my world, its not neccessarily the centre of other peoples.
I've acheived a lot, i've matured a lot, i've gone from strength to strength but i have also failed and survived. Things that were missing in my life before i've been working on, so to sum it all up i would say i am moving backwards.
I lead an exciting life with a successful career, lots of travel, weekend adventures, great friends, great career, great relationship with family .......in no real particular order.
I'll try to keep this up to date, random ramblings and thoughts as i elaborate on my life.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Random Ramblings
I won't even begin on the number of blogs i've started and lost to the internet by forgetting my password.
But here we go again........hopefully this one will last.
I'm meant to be doing an assignment, but you know what, i have about one month left of uni untill i graduate, just a bit over it, its been a good ride tho, lots of hard work but i think i'm at a stage where i feel as if i have the skills to do anything, regardless of weather or not i've studied it.
Its a security of another sort really, the confidence in yourself that you can do a good job, I feel ok taking risks, don't really feel the need to stick to something safe and dependable anymore, i want to have fun, i won't to live on the edge a bit, ...........hopefully it all works out, and if it doesn't.pffft.......something will figure something out and it will all be ok
So its taken almost six years, somethings have changed, somethings haven't, i know lots of stuff about random bits and pieces, and then sometimes i learn something new which really illustrates the point that i know nothing at all, sometimes i am happy, sometimes i am sad but seem to pop out of it, i am fit, i go to the gym lots, i love pushing myself tho sometimes i get lazy and have to drag myself kicking and screaming to the gym, friends are ok, not as great as it all used to be, i seem to know lots of people sorta, whearas ages ago, seems like a lifetime ago now, i knew one person really really well, i miss that
As for boys there hasnt been anyone new, lots of little crushes that are amounting to nothing, got out of a long term relationship about 2 years ago, little bits and pieces since then but nothing to call a relationship, sometimes getting my hopes up a lot and then getting hurt, but you know what , that feelings when your crushing on someone....is worth the hurt! ...............and i guess i still hope the right guy will come along into my life
When i have more time i will get things on track, social life, boys, but for now i think its just flowing along. I have a crush on my lecturer, silly really, he's got everything i look for in a ideal guy, smarth, athletic, confident, has faith in me. ..................but i am hopeless when it comes to letting guys know i like them, and with the added complication of him being my lecturer , probably no chance.............
and i will just float along with life you know, because i can
But here we go again........hopefully this one will last.
I'm meant to be doing an assignment, but you know what, i have about one month left of uni untill i graduate, just a bit over it, its been a good ride tho, lots of hard work but i think i'm at a stage where i feel as if i have the skills to do anything, regardless of weather or not i've studied it.
Its a security of another sort really, the confidence in yourself that you can do a good job, I feel ok taking risks, don't really feel the need to stick to something safe and dependable anymore, i want to have fun, i won't to live on the edge a bit, ...........hopefully it all works out, and if it doesn't.pffft.......something will figure something out and it will all be ok
So its taken almost six years, somethings have changed, somethings haven't, i know lots of stuff about random bits and pieces, and then sometimes i learn something new which really illustrates the point that i know nothing at all, sometimes i am happy, sometimes i am sad but seem to pop out of it, i am fit, i go to the gym lots, i love pushing myself tho sometimes i get lazy and have to drag myself kicking and screaming to the gym, friends are ok, not as great as it all used to be, i seem to know lots of people sorta, whearas ages ago, seems like a lifetime ago now, i knew one person really really well, i miss that
As for boys there hasnt been anyone new, lots of little crushes that are amounting to nothing, got out of a long term relationship about 2 years ago, little bits and pieces since then but nothing to call a relationship, sometimes getting my hopes up a lot and then getting hurt, but you know what , that feelings when your crushing on someone....is worth the hurt! ...............and i guess i still hope the right guy will come along into my life
When i have more time i will get things on track, social life, boys, but for now i think its just flowing along. I have a crush on my lecturer, silly really, he's got everything i look for in a ideal guy, smarth, athletic, confident, has faith in me. ..................but i am hopeless when it comes to letting guys know i like them, and with the added complication of him being my lecturer , probably no chance.............
and i will just float along with life you know, because i can
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