So i fell for you

 Completely unexpected. i told you don't do commitment. But that few hours we spent together. I accidently fell for you. I was not expecting that. Maybe i am ready for something real. 

I'm off to Rehab

 I never thought i would be that person. But now i am. ineed it as a circuit breaker.

Can you be a man

 Everything was great with us. Even when things went wrong, we fixed it. But then it all went wrong.

Are you a man or a boy? 

If you man and mean what you say you would come after me. 

But you are just a boy. You walk away from something that was working.

Is this the end?

7 billion ppl in the world

 And i have to fall for the one i can't be with. But I need a man, not a boy. You might want me as well but you don't know how to make it happen. I miss you a lot but if you can't be a man and take control, I can't do anything about it. I'll be in the country somewhere today, on my own. Come find me in woodend. I'll be on my own.

that time

 The picnic in warburton. I will never forget it.

I crave to see you

 I miss you. I hope you come back to me.

Spiraling out of control

 There are too many men. One my heart sings for that i can't be with. The others are just a distraction. The way his eyes lit up when i turned around and that hug, his warm embrace and that we can look each other in the eyes. Running after me and the fact that i can walk up and hug him.He is everything i want in a man.

I saw him last night

He told me to come over. And then he was not so sure. And i came back home. 

It was so clear about you and I

 The way you ran after me. That look in your eyes. The warm embrace you risked even in uniform. How good you looked. The way you smile when you see me. You can't help it. And its automatic for me too. I miss you babe. I want you to hold me. I want to hold you. I can't wait to do our wave and owl. I hope that happens.

In your arms even for a moment

Sometimes you meet the most unlikely people. Of the 7 billion people on the planet, you meet the one that you cannot be with. And yet you saw me walk past and ran after me. And i turned around wondering who was calling my name. Our eyes locked, you stopped running and we both smiled. You were in uniform but i walked to you and we hugged just for a moment.  We only spoke a moment but you had a glisten and a big smile that i have always loved and recall. 

And we went our own ways. You got in touch in text and we spoke about the great times. It's nice to know you think fondly of our time together. So i will see you after the dust settles.  I'll wait for you to make our owl. 

Maybe we get our second chance.  Maybe we stay friends. Maybe it disappears into nothing. 

All i know is that i miss you. It was great hearing from you. I daydream about you.

Sometimes you just need to feel lucky that we got the chance to experience what we did even if for a moment. 

Lessons learnt and turning point in life

 All is in order. A few mpre things to clear out. Do my taxes. Get done with this court case. Understand the implications. Get this assignment and exam done. And next month its a new me and we get on with things. Fix up the car and get in touch with my friends and move on with life. Hang out with mum more consistently.

Fire fighters

 Why am i meeting and connecting with them? To the extent where my friend says of all the emergency services i should go for ambo's. But it wasn't intentional. They were just good looking and i swiped right and they happened to be police or fire fighters.

Our chats bring a smile to my face

Conversation flows freely. You are so easy to talk to. You motivate me. We have so much in common. The hours just fly by as we talk. We ignore the rest of the world until we can't. I feel like being a better fitter version of me when I speak to you.  I'm really really looking forward to seeing you in person. To get a hug on that first meeting. To lock eyes with you. 

That new him bringing a smile to my face

 I still can't believe we spoke for 12 hours through the night. Sure i couldn't sleep. But what a lovely conversation. And we have stayed in touch daily. I love how we could be so honest from the start. I can't wait to meet you in person. 

I keep telling myself to take it slow this time. Temptation is hard when you look like the way you do and your communication skills are a blast. 

I can't wait to meet you in person. 

As you start fading away from my head

 I do still miss you. Those moments. The touch of you. cuddling up. The way you brushed my hair aside and rang your fingers through it. Staring into your eyes and touching your face. Holding your hand while we cuddled, while you grabbed my hand while we were crossing the road, while you were driving, and all those time we shared a little squeeze of the hand while locking eyes and a smile and how gentle you were with me, the perfect gentlemen, opening doors, gently grazing your hand over my lower back gently as we spend time together.  When you told me to come down so i could see you in your car and uniform and you looked so cute and we locked eyes wanting to at least touch hands but we both new we couldn't. 

I know it's over. I prolly won't see you again even if the chance arose. It's broken beyond repair. And rather than making it worse, I would love to hold onto these memories which bring a smile to my face when I think of you.

And all those plans we had. Those hikes, getting me that leather jacket and helmet so I can go for a ride on your bike, The pasta you were meant to make me, that bike ride we spoke about, that you were meant to take me for a drive in my car, the time I was going to spend at yours, that run I was going to join you for, that african restaurant we were going to try. I'll live them out in my head and i'll smile while having those good times. 

My memory of you will always be of fondness and a smile.  You were one of the loveliest humans i have ever met.  I'm sorry it had to come crashing down on us the way it did. 

That turning point

 It took a while to get used to and come to terms. It was a shock at first. But slowly i am coming to turns with it. Mums bday, a haircut, a few nice walks, thinking through a plan now that i have certainty in place. Things finally feel like they are under control in a way it hasn't felt like in months.

Sometimes no matter how bad the news is, it's the uncertainty that gets to you. I would rather bad news that spiral out of control in a pool of uncertainty.

I know where I stand. It's a relief. Time to take stock of this situation and just get on with life. Make the most of what I have.

And things always change. So maybe this new change will bring some good things my way. Who knows? I might even look at this and think this was the best thing that ever happened. It's about moving forward and not trying to clutch onto the past. Not looking for what used to be but look forward and embrace the new opportunities right in front of me. 

So with starry eyes, an open heart, a new haircut and in wonder about where life will take me, I will let things unfold as they come. With hope in my eyes and heart. 

Because that just who I am and it's never gone wrong by doing that. 

Really sad about our lion

 Its slow going

We made a great team together

 Between you and me, everything was perfect until it wasnt

I miss the other you

 The one i spoke to everyday.

It was meant to be our lion

 But it's mine now. You said we would do him together. You lied.

Those moments

 When you put your arms around and brought me close and your eyes were darting around, i new you were being protective of me. But in your arms i felt so safe.

Our lion

 Im doing it without you

You disappointed me

 I thought it was different with us

That one day that changed my world

 What actually happened? How did i end up there?

Why won't you leave my head

 I can't get you out. All i want is to have you in my bed again.

I can't get you out of my head

 The nights we spent together.  What we did during the night. Rubbing your back and you loving it. The way you touched me. The songs.  Waking up in your arms. Hugging. Then looking deep into your eyes while caressing your face. Cooking you breakfast. That last goodbye. 

Romantic fatalism

 The longing for destiny is nowhere stronger than in our romantic life. All too often forced to share a bed with those that cannot fathom our soul.  Can we not be excused ( contrary to rules of of our enlightened age) that one day we are fated to run into the man or women of our dreams? Can we not be allowed a certain superstitious faith that we will ultimately locate a creature who can appease our painful yearnings? Though our prayers may never be answered , though they may be no end to relationships marked by mutual incomprohension, if the heavens took pity on us, then can we really be expected to attribute our encounter with our prince or princess to a mere coincidince?Or can we not for once  escape logic and read it nothing other than a romantic destiny?

Not my words but i connect with this so much right now....

Maybe i trust people too much

 Advice from someone i really liked in combination with dating the wrong men.

So sad about what happened with us

 It could of being amazing. I still remember rubbing your back.

Another life advice from my former self

 What i wrote a while back

Travelling is liberating. Their is a realisation when travelling that opportunities are endless. Boundaries are breakable, and time is infinite. Travellibg, just taking the first step changes your life forever.You leave your comfort zone and venture into the unknown worldthat will expand your mind, change your perceptions and you will never be the same again.

what went wrong

 Who knows. but i feel like crying and everything is a mess

Cant stop thinking about you

 That coffee, that long drive where we held hands and had the picnic, the food i made for you which i spent so much time on and the magical nights we had. I'm sad it's over.

Messages from a younger me

 Some things i wrote maybe 15 years ago. Usually wisdom comes with age but it seems who i used to be is more helpful. This advice is what is keeping me going.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore, dream, Discover.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Great spirits have encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.

You create your opportunities by asking for them.

Opportunity is missed by most people as it's dressed in overalls and looks like work.

And above all , watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe the magic will never find it.

When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.

Sometimes it is the smallest decisions that change your life forever.

Integrity is the essense of everything successful.

Difficulties are stepping stones to success.

Successful people are simply people who learn to solve their problems. They are not people without problems.

The successful people of this world take life as it comes. They just go out and deal with the world as it is.

Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognised a problem and turned it into an opportunity.

You can be discouraged by failure...or you can learn from it, so go ahead and make mistakes, make all you can because thats where you will find success on the far side.

Initiative is doing the right thing without being told.

The discipline you learn and character you build from setting and achieving a goal can be more valuable than the achievement of the goal itself.

Im am not sure what went wrong

 I feel like i've done everything right my whole life. I got warned about the guy i was dating. Im not sure what is going. Dating a Police officer was the worst decision ever. Should have listened to my friends.

Only a few days ago i was so happy

We went on picnics, he held my hand during a long drive, i made all the food that he loved to eat. He was perfect. We did jigsaw puzzles and made him coffee and for some reason he loved coke zero so i made sure it was always in my fridge.And then he disappeared on me. 

Do i just listen to my mum

 She is telling me to take a break. To travel with her to anywhere in the world. Italy, Sri lanka, Canada anywhere. We can stay with family or any five star hotel of our liking. No restrictions. Anything that will help. I'm still not sure why i am so unhappy and sad. And why i don't just say yes and go somewhere. i know life has gifted me with too much. I should be happy. I'm just grateful to have a choice but not acting.

Some things just happen

 Somewhere along the way things got derailed badly

Life as you get older

 Shit happens. You wake up early because you cant sleep and do a 6km run. A bit of a high but right now i just feel really let down with a man i trusted. Nothing to be surprised about but i thought he was different. No man is ever going to treat you right.

The new normal

 So life starts spiralling sometimes. Some good things happen but thats fine. But you finally meet a man you can hold hands with and look in the eyes but he disappears on you when you need support for the first time in your life. i trusted him and let him in. We had a magic time of roadtrips, picnics, jigsaw puzzles and falling asleep, hugging and looking into his eyes. I never thought he would disapear.  I think he was the nicest guy i have ever met and was crazy about him. I just wish he would call. But i guess its normal for people to let you down. It seems normal these days.

State of confusion

So our weekend away was good and bad. Sometimes I felt really sad but that was more about the state of my life, not too much to do with you other than your inability to commit.  But at the end of the day I feel really comfortable with you. Sometimes your lack of affection except at night when I crave it is perfect. As I get my space and your company. 

But the weekend away has made things more complicated and more strange and confusing. You are the man in my heart right now. Yet you are not available.

And I start pushing away from the other man, he appears even more keen.Yet I am starting to doubt if I like either of them.

Maybe this new medication was the miracle I needed.

One Last Trip

This is our moment to find those final answers. Going away one more time before walking away. You already sounded angry.  Things have not been good with us lately.

This trip will see what's left. Is it lovers? Is it companions? Is it friends? is it nothing and never to see each other again. 

The other man in my life is on the sidelines. I'm starting to get excited about him. 

But I will give it may best. 

Growing apart

I'm not missing you as a lover. Not missing being in your arms. Not missing the sex. It's not comforting or exciting anymore. It's bordering on sadness that I feel. 

We are still friends. I still want to tell you things. But it was another I called before I called you. And another called me back today. Someone I had a big crush on. 

But the other is busy too. More of a lover. More passion. More discussion. More listening. But it is still early days. 

So close but so far away

You sit there. I sit here.

Yes it feel like we are a world apart. 

Natural process of something that was not quite lovers or a relationship turning into something that is less than friends and broken than before. 

I wonder how long we will be part of each others lives.

Back to where we used to be

You were never reliable. Ever. Not able to be relied on. We are just back to the way we were 

Here comes the Sun

 It's been a long and cold and lonely winter but I see that spring is in the air figuratively. Blossoming into summer. I'm back at the start but having reached out for help, I feel I am in a much better place. Yoyo is still the same, we go forwards and backwards with moments of commitment and moments of companionship, making us happy and miserable at opposite times. 

But just as work has been left behind because I wasn't happy,  I feel much happier now. A new course awaits. A new life.

And who knows, a boy to meet somewhere in the world that wants what I want.

So I guess this is goodbye

 You were my best friend and lover. 

Thank you for ignoring me

Sometimes when things go bad, its when true colours shine. I know I have problems but I think your issues are greater. 

I'm with you out of attachment and unholy things. New haven't ever really been a couple. Maybe you don't even have feelings. 

Anyhow thank you for treating me like shit so I can walk away even if the short term is hard.

I need you to ignore me

 I have to let you go. This halfway is not good for me. I've wasted enough time on you. I get treated like ...well sometimes well but you can't commit to me. I want to be with someone that makes me feel special.That wants to build a life together. 

I need to believe you and move on when you say its not what you want. 

A new Dawn

Tomorrow we start a new chapter in life and everything will change again. It's bitter sweet. Exciting in some ways for a new beginning in life, yet at the same time a sadness for the goodbyes I am saying.

Sometimes it feels like we are closer than ever. I look at you and have such feelings of love and fondness for you. I feel like your family is my very own.  In someways life is up and down and you can't get what you always want so I wonder if I need to be grateful for what we have together. The nice guy that you are and the way you treat me. 

Entering that new space

 We are closer yet so further apart. In some way settling into a couple life but in other ways growing further and further apart as we realise we want different things. 

Tonight maybe you need to be alone and I am intruding. You finished work and have retreated into your own personal space. I am just hanging around with nothing to do.

 I can't tell if you are perfectly fine or lost in distraction or trying to deny your feelings but are actually grieving quite heavily inside following your mothers death. I can't tell if I am helping or not by being here. 

A beautiful friendship and lovers we could have been. 

Starting a new chapter in life

Life is constantly evolving and changing. Nothing ever stays still. And sometimes we just need to learn to let go and follow the ebs and flows of life as they come.

Just as art group stopped, lockdowns stopped, lentils shut, miss Jackson shut, work ended. We got closer and then in over my head.

Now a new chapter is beginning.

In your space

I'm on you couch as I write this. Stuck somewhere between more than friends and less than lovers for partners.  I'm not sure about a lot of things to do with us. I'm not even sure about you or us anymore. 

I wish we could make time travel faster to get to a place where you don't matter anymore. Where you are no longer a part of my life. Yet every little step is bringing us closer together. Yet it should be in the opposite direction. 

We are too different. The kids situation is starting to feel a little too weird. Us is starting to feel a little too weird. And I'm craving a new you. Someone I have yet to meet.

And then I unbroken up with you

 I'm not good at breaking ups. We have made amends. Life goes on.

I broke up with a guy

 For the first time in my life. I asked him to remove himself from my life. Maybe this is progress. Knowing what I don't want and developing an ability to walk away.

I'm not sure about us

 not sure if we work

not sure if you even want to be with me

not sure either way.

Sorry.

I might have to say goodbye.

Everything changes

 And that is the only certainty we have. Life moves on. There are times when the good things in your life disappears. And clinging on makes it all that much harder.

Like art group that ceased. Or that volunteer role I used to have. Those friends we used to be. The man I thought I loved. 

And with time it all becomes a memory. Maybe to look back on fondly. 

Slowly letting you go

In some ways this slow kind release of each other is nice. Although we still both feel the attraction I know. But when I am not around you for a while I can let you go. And in my head I have no expectations. I have people to see, things to do, men to date, a life partner to find. 

But until then, for moments in time, you can be my best friend.

It is time to say goodbye

 I tried to stay

I was so grateful for a while

But. I need to leave

The places that scare us

Today for the first time ever, I went to a place that scared me. Rather than holding on to something and attaching out of fear and desire, I let things be, I let myself see things for what they really are. But I also acted in the kindness way I could to keep a friendship.

For we were never crazy madly in love. It was convenience and loneliness and need for another human in lockdown that brought us together. If the pandemic and lockdown never happened, if there was never a bubble buddy, if we didn't have to work from home so much, then we never would have got together. 

And now we are just returning to the way we were, just a little closer with a little bit more friendship.  

Everything changes

One day I didn't know who you were. Then we met. Then we stayed friends, catching up occassionally You wanted something more, I didn't. Then one day we hooked up. Then I wanted something more, you didn't. But we stay together anyways. But now I am not sure if we I want to be together and am considering going back to being friends. 

The reality is that everything changes. And as our lives and circumstances and the world around us changes, so do who we are. 

And sometimes you just have to go with the flow and not hold onto the past. Accept the present for what it is. Not what it used to be and dream of a future that doesn't exist.

It's time to just let things be.  

Having one off those off days

I'm generally not having a good week. But for a change my life back at home is looking pretty good. Things are starting to look up.

I'm not desperate to be with you anymore. I want it to be on equal terms and compromise. I understand why you don't want me, I have my flaws. But then you have your downsides too. 

And you are a guy that never committed or settled down. So maybe I should just accept you for who you are and we just go back to being friends. And I go back to searching for someone that is in love with me, wants to live with me, build a life with me, hold my hand and grow old together. Someone that says goodnight each night, that they miss me and does a little more than watch movies on the couch. 

This life is yours. Not mine. I got used to it out of lockdown loneliness. 

We have had great times today. Affectionate times. Times of caring. But sometimes two peoples lives are so different and two people want very much different things. So sometimes we just need to move on.

To stay or go. Going is harder than staying. Going and finding something that fits will be better than saying and resenting the life that I have.

I know it can't always be good times but I feel this is coming to a natural end. The friendship will stay, but maybe just as everything around us changes, maybe what we have will too into something better than before....

Now to have the courage to make a decision. 

Somewhere along the way we lost our way

Or maybe I lost my way. Or I found myself because of you and now I have outgrown you.  For a while I stayed for all the wrong reasons. But you helped me get my life together. And then you became the person that I let it fall apart with.  But now I am staying because I don't want to leave while you are going through a tough time. 

Once upon a time in lockdown we worked so well.  We were fresh and new and life was simple and I was happy to get any company I could. You saved me from myself. Helped me lose some weight. Become the old me again.

But now, a year in, I find myself living out of a bag off the floor in your room. Working around your schedule and your kids and your life. You haven't made an effort to become apart of my life at all. And I understand why we don't see each other much anymore but I can see that your cleaner, your Gardner and your shopping is more important to you than me.  There is not a single photo you have of me. You've never told me you like me, let alone love me. You're affectionate when you want to be. 

I'm scared to leave you out of loneliness. But these days I feel lonely around you. That I play second fiddle to the rest of your life. 

And the distance between us right now is for a good reason. But you're also helping me stand on my own two feet. And see that this life we have built, this non together, sometimes together life is something I do not want. 

I want to build a life with someone. Grow old together with someone. Meet someone that see's me a little more than a companion. 

I think I've stayed too long.

In a lot of ways you've helped me more than anyone. But also caused a lot of my grief that led to the way things are. I feel I am at a turning point in life where things will start looking up soon. 

Is it time to walk away? We have a friendship based on a few texts a day, a minute or two of conversation and chats mostly about you and a little about me.  

You make it easy to see other people. 

But then it all starts again..

 I love him a lot

Some days

 We have to say goodbye to some people.You are not good for me. You stress me out. You are mean. And we do not have the same beliefs. 

Goodbye to you

 It is time for this to end.

Time to start again

 I'm a mess but not really. Things are all over the place but I have it all together. I miss him but know I will get over it quickly. 

Love has no beginning or end

 And once upon a time that would have been a lovely thought. but not these days. 

He's been telling me for months he's not interested. Last conversation I asked how he could hug me so and he said not to think it too much. And I did. He was always honest. I accidentally fell for a guy that was never available. 

He got me through lockdown and I will ever be grateful. I want to be always friends. The guy that is a shoulder to cry on when I need.

But he doesn't want to be the guy I want him to be. So I have to move on. 

It's the hardest thing but I know I need to. I can't keep doing this. With a guy that just wants me around sometimes with no future talk. I am getting closer to his mum and dad and forming a relationship. I want it to be real and I want it to be something he wants as well. 

So right now, at this point in time, I'm not sure if we will work out. but as we grow older, it doesn't matter either. Because I am not as excited by him. 

I don't want hime to come to the play or the bday with me. Even the movie. Not unless he wants to be with me. So maybe its better to slowly ween off each other. 

I have fallen for guys before and fallen out too. He is no different even though I thought once again he was.

But we have a lifetime of friendship ahead. 

All things have a beginning and end

And the endings are never very nice. But this is ours I guess. I'll miss you.

But the show must go on.

Goodbye my lover

 This is hard to do but we must

I want seven days

 So I am breaking up with you. goodbye.

I have to say goodbye to you

 This isn't healthy. We are bad for each other. We have to say goodbye and move on. Goodbye.

Maybe this is the new healthy life I needed all along

 Maybe taking a bit of time to ourselves and getting both our lives back on track is exactly what I needed and he did too.

Stuck in no mans land

Stuck between lovers and and friends with something more or a companion.

Stuck between wanting you and not knowing what I want.

Stuck between thinking I know what I want and knowing that the past has never worked and holds life lessons to live a better life.

Stuck between contacting you and going to sleep.

Of wanting to contact you but not knowing if I can or if it is welcome or even if I can.

Stuck between giving you space and me drifting away

Stuck between something stable and playing with fire.

I didn't miss you tonight - I was sad

I was sad because I let us happen.

Because I trusted you.

When missing someone turns to tears, I have to question if it was ever worth it. 

Every now and then my instincts charge ahead of me, say goodbye to a dog before I think it is a real good bye, makes me have a good look around, makes me appreciate what I see because maybe, just maybe this will be the last time. 

Who knows with you and I?

Somewhere along the way we seemed to have lost our way

So we were nothing, then something, then nothing, then something spectacular and now back to something a little more than nothing.

You got me out of my rut. But now I am ready to shine. I am grateful to you. 

The reason I am at yours so much is wrong. It's not fair to you because its not because of you, it's because its the support I need for another thing. 

It's hard to let go but I have to. It's not like we are in love anyways.

And you want space now. 

I need to find my own two feet. You dragged me out of a really dark place. I am grateful for that. 

But in standing I need to do this on my own. Be my own person. 

I get why you are saying this. Maybe you don't realise the totality of what it means...

three boys

 and I can't decide. one here in Melbourne. and two oversees..but all good men..

Tonight I started reconnecting with myself

 As lockdown ends and we can socialise and meet in person, I finally said yes to a dinner and meditation session. 

And yes I had to force myself to go while I was feeling crappy. But lately reading all these buddhist teachings, I just remembered that it was all just thoughts. I was in a down mode but at some stage that mode will be up or neutral. Thats life.

But I felt really good. Listening to the monk today and spending time with others who are just as spiritual as I am and having tea afterwards and bathing in the kindness and compassion, it just felt peaceful. Something I've been missing in life that I want to get back into.

Sure Netflix and chill and alcohol with R got me through lockdown. I almost thought it was it if it wasn't for his freaking out. But maybe it's a good thing we have. We like each others company but also have the space to do what we want to do. And this spiritual life and friendships - they bring me peace. A life worth living.

I just feel content with everything as it is. And a reminder just to focus on the present moment - not the past or the future. Just to make the most of what I have right now. 

And another fairytale hits the dust

This too shall pass.

This time I accept things as they are. I still very much like him very much but my expectations are changing. Maybe we could still be friends. 

Everyone must say goodbye to each other at some stage. And for us we just don't know when. 

I had a lovely time with you. In some ways you tell me you want nothing yet treat me better than most guys have in a long time. 

I feel like you bring me back down to earth in a lot of ways. 

But you don't want long term and no commitment, so its a practice in non attachment that will probably be good for me. 

And I need to get back into my buddhist teachings and meditation.

So this time it is not saying goodbye. It is enjoying what we have and your company for as long as it lasts and it still fits for both of us. 

A new Life Dawns

 As the final days of lockdown ending for what appears to be the last time looms close by, i can't but feel a little sad to saying goodbye to a life i've grown to love in a lot of ways. A much simpler life focusing on a simpler life without the frills and come what mays of modern life. 

And i wonder what will become of this new relationship developed in lockdown where we have spent vast amounts of time together, almost living together and accelerating something that otherwise may have taken us years to get to. When the outside world comes into our little bubble of you and me, will we sill be as close as we are now?  As things open up, will our days and nights where we spend 24/7, go for our bubble walks, supermarket entertainment and netflix and chilling slide by or is this hear to stay?

And what of the unspoken? Are we real? Are we public? Do we meet each others friends? Do we lead separate lives? Or does this just evolve into something that is just so beautiful and innocent and true. We share a special bond with each other and a kindness. I lay in your bed, in your arms or even separate but i feel so happy and together. Where once i would have felt emptiness, with you there is no empty. My cup is full. The kindness and goodness in your heart shines through and i can't believe i never saw that side of you.  The boy or should i say, man that has always been part of my life, always caring, always trying.

I am cautiously looking forward to happier days and where we continue to grow together. You and I in this brave new post pandemic world. 

Only time will tell as a new day will spawn very soon. 

Another wonderful few days with you

Time flies and lockdown is almost over. I am partially looking forward but also sad for this new life I have built and in wonder of what life will be like. I enjoy being at his house so much, the flexibility of working from home and his. Spending nights cuddling over Netflix and wine and pretty much living life together and apart but always almost 24/7 for most of the week. Most of all, I have learnt to let go of old expectations and that we can actually live together in harmony. 

We are both gentle and kind with each other in a lot of ways.

Sometimes I doubt but when you hold me close and do those kind things and include me so much in your life, then my fears usually fall away. 

So the man that was right in front of me turned out to be mr right after long. 

This time I keep thinking of gratitude than focusing on the negative because you really really do make my life better. 

Craving for freedom

 We have been in lockdown for a long time. I miss having the shops open, being able to go to the gym. Being able to go visit mum. Having friends over. Sitting down at a cafe and sipping a coffee. Having a date at a restaurant. Driving wherever I want. Travelling wherever I want. On a rainy day with the outdoors only accessible it is pretty miserable. 

I even miss being in the office.

To share your life with another

It's finding joy in the mundane that is amazing. To enjoy walking down supermarket aisles, to talk about what you had for lunch, the differences in the latest iOS update or anything at all. Just that it's easy and seamless and you come in and out of each others lives just fitting in quite nicely. No games or anything like that. Just reaching out when we can. 

It's morning and I'm craving a connection with you

At some stage you will message. I know that. Because you always do. You are that kind of guy.

Yet the apprehension is strong while I wait. And why don't I reach out. Well I'm scared of smothering you. These next few days are about cleaning up my place and getting back on track with meditation and that healthy lifestyle I occasionally find myself in.

Still waiting waiting but in quiet confidence and smiling and day dreaming about you.  

Once upon a time you had to be so much

 In any other year you would have needed to call, message or say goodnight in some way shape or form. But the more relaxed doesn't really care. I've given up on romanticism. It was a nice day. A really really nice day while we were together. And I no longer expect fireworks and longing when we are apart.

It tears me up a little to say this. But yet the guys that did all that had no substance. And maybe you and I hav something. Maybe we don't. Who really knows.

Lately lockdown has been so tough I have no expectations. I will take whatever you give me without compliant and enjoy it.

The time we have spent together is amazing and I had an open invitation to fall asleep in your arms tonight too which I did not take so you are absolutely amazing. 

Well goodnight to you my lover.

Another amazing week

 So I spent a whole week with him and he invited me to stay for longer. We had some ups and downs. Actually I had ups and downs in my head. But in the end it made me communicate and ask some questions I otherwise wouldn't. 

So it's just me and him and he's not seeing anyone else.

We had a lot of fun this weekend. In many ways it was a turning point. Getting closer, talking about reality and things under the surface and the sex was better than ever. But more than that it was the friendship, the laughs, the talking till 2am without realising, the cuddles and just being kind to each other. No games. No expectations. Just being nice and finding it returned. The smiles. 

Yes sometimes I get bothered by things in my head. But I feel with age comes a lack of expectation that leads to a life much more fulfilling. 

I had a bad dream last night

 And its been effecting my mood all day. Up and down. I dreamt that he was really seeing this as only a fling. And he had someone he loved. And that's why we don't talk about things. That I was just that girl to fill around with when there was no one else. A placeholder.

He doesn't make me feel that way. But my moods are all over the place these days in between staying with him and staying at mine. 

I'm happier than I have ever been in a relationship.

Life with you is easy and simple

 There is nothing too exciting but yet the companionship and the care and warmth and stability is just as alluring. We do everyday things. We are really good friends. We joke around. It's not like some random guy I am dating. You're my friend and we hang out. And sometimes there are silences with no need to fill them. And sometimes there are murmers or hugs or the squeeze of your hand or nothing at all or everything. And it feels so easy and natural. 

And I've started to be able to look into your eyes when we talk. And I like your arms and chest. I really really like them. 

And your suburban lifestyle no matter how mediocre it is, it's good for me. I feel safe and secure and I like it. The days spent in each others lives and arms. Cooking, eating, working, grocery shopping and going for walks, watching TV, drinking and hanging out with your dog. Somehow that feels like bliss. I feel all tingly as I lie in your arms on the couch. For we brush against each other in the kitchen, on the footpath on a walk, in the grocery store. 

And to think you were always there. But I needed to get to a point in my life to appreciate you so.

And now I do. 

Things are getting better and better

We are getting along pretty well. Gentle but fun with each other. Getting pretty comfy. Your dog likes me too. We are even building a bit of a life and a routine together. There are no games or second guessing.  We make each other healthier in some ways and lockdown is much the nicer with you by my side. Falling asleep and waking up in your arms is amazing.

The way you hold me is amazing. 

And day by day we kiss more and we hold hands at night. 

And when we are apart how I long for you baby. 

So much depth and sensitivity to you

You're a quiet one but as I get to know you more and more, I uncover layer after layer of good qualities, generosity, a kind heart and gentle nature where you just care for those close to you. You have a simple life but one that is really really nice. The types of lifestyle that does me good rather than this st Kilda mess I find myself in. 

I can picture a life with you. And maybe it's time to really let go of those images in my head of something more, something different and enjoy the feeling of something that is making me very very happy. 

I like me better when I am with you

 You are so different to what I thought I would end up with.  So so different. Yet I love who I am when I am with you. You inspire me. You make me a better person.

The ultimate in trust and intimacy

 So we have been hanging out. And I trust him easily without even thinking about it. And the other night I let him tie me up and spank and whip me. But I whole heartedly trusted him. And we speak about fantasies and share our feelings and we talk. So much depth, friendship and trust. 

Life is all about ups and. downs

 But we always knew. that.

and. who cares.

But I do. I cry. when I. don't hear from you when I used to. I don't need to. Or do I? I just don't know or I care...

I sent him a message and at least his first response will let me know if he is real or not. Because when we are not together even for healthy reasons I feel insecure...

Only time will tell what comes of anything if at all... and I have less enthusiasm, competition and what may be these days. 

I want easy and what works.

Nothing magical.

Another wonderful few days

I just turn up these days at your place assuming I will stay a while and you ask me to stay for longer.  We have become so comfortable. And I have started kissing you because that's what I like to do. And we seem to be getting closer and closer as each day passes.  Who would have thought this suburban life could be so wonderful. 

I love that we sleep in and cuddle together and then a little bit more. That we make each other tea and take turns cooking and doing the dishes. We go for walks but we also do our own thing as well. You work and I work and it's easy enough. We play with your dog. And we laugh all night to comedy before cuddling and having sex. 

I have not been in anything that's felt so comfortable and so real. So honest. So accepting of another man for the way he is. And not having those expectations I used to that ruined it all. Not even needing a future. Just kindness in the moment with no games. 

sometimes decision making is on point

 If only I had realised you were right in front of me. Again another night reaching out to be friends and the man from far away is well far away but not capable of making any sort of real commitment.

Meanwhile my new man knows all about responsibilities. And we stay in touch all the time. I am falling in love with him.

I made the right choice

 I was into you for so long. waited for you. Imagined a life with you. But even as friends you don't stay in touch. you have legit reasons and your business and India is hard. but I am glad I walked away to another.

not a day goes by when you don't message

 Sure some nights I can't come over when your kids are their. But every other night or day, I have an open invitation these days. I think. 

It's hard to think a guy would want to make you so important. But I think with this man. He see's me as something real. Maybe never leading to marriage or all those things traditional but what happens if you just want to spend your time with someone wonderful.

I would love for it to be more but I need to accept that he will never commit, yet his actions speak greater than a commitment would ever make. Giving me comfort that we accept each other as we are and we will miss each other incredibly if apart without needing a random paper to prove anything..

And I got my first Pfizer jab today

And it was a sign of things to come. That life may well finally start resuming back to normal. I have booked my second shot in two weeks. By the end of the month the vaccine should be fully functional. And  I can worry less being out and about. And one day maybe even be out in the world again. 

But one thing is to feel relieved after even having the first jab and knowing the second is only three weeks away. 

Seeing a way out of the pandemic

 And then I randomly went to book a vaccine and it worked. and for the first time in 18 months I feel truly excited. That in a months time I will feel completely safe. I have never wanted a vaccine so much. But also can almost taste the freedom with a life I used to have..one more month..

And then you messaged

 Just to see how my day was. Just to say hi. Just to chat. To tell me you will use your electric blanket as the warmth of my body is not close by. For us to chat idly. And for me to tell you I miss falling asleep in your arms for you to tell me your bed feels empty.

Maybe we really have something together...

The thing about growing older

You have less expectations and fantasies. You live less in a dream world and more in reality. The sad thing is that a little bit of the dreamer in you also disappears. Without you even realising. 

Somewhere along the way you get to spend a long time with a guy without worrying too much about where things are going. His cuddles and companionship are enough. I have missed being in the arms of a man so much. I have missed having sex. And the sex is pretty good too. At least when we have not been drinking it is tingling and magical.  But even with the drinks, it has been pretty amazing. And most of all ever so comfortable to explore each other and talk about anything. 

But at any other time I would be fantasising so much about something long term, marriage, building a life together. With age comes the realisation that you can have certain dreams but that they may not come through. That maybe that dream of building a life together with another person isn't ever going to happen. That you just fit into their life or that's it or they fit into yours. Somehow, somewhere.

But these things stopped bothering me so much. I accept reality. Sure I long for house hunting together with a guy and building a life. But that moment is long gone. So it's the little things that matter.

And it feels like we are something. But then I accept if we are not. It's no longer all in my head. It all seems to be heading in the right direction. We are an easy couple to be. Even though we don't talk about it, I feel like you express a lot with your touch and your actions and the whole hearted attention you give to me which is rare these days. 

And you inspire me to be the same with you.

We are gentle and kind to each other. So lets see how things go.

Somewhere in between more than friends and less than a relationship...