The man thats been there all along

So i called him up and poured my heart out. Had the deepest conversation. And it was built on years of friendship. We share the same views on life, the same passion for finding a significant other that you can conquer the world with, we can share our fears and dreams and have conversations that transcend time. I'm not scared to be me with him. The real me. The one who is slightly insecure but still is so positive. He's been there all along and i've been too blind to notice. I somehow don't think its too late.

The past two weeks have been a little difficult

But as much as i hate the anxiousness and what i know now, I think i needed to go through it. This time it was for a real reason so there wasn't any point in talking myself out of it. Thinking that there wasn't anything to be anxious about. It was a neccessary evil to see reality. That anti depressents are scary, that he might one day push me away in ten years time when things get tough and most importantly, he is cheating on me. You can't excuse everything on a sickness. Perhaps he is just dodgy.

closer to home

There is a man that has always like me. One that has been there all along. On the sidelines asking why we never got together. He said to me the other day that time is precious. We speak all the time. I'm closer to him than most people. He fits in well with my family, we share the same culture and he would be the man i need when times are tough. He's seen me at my worst and also at my best. He knows how brilliant i am, yet knows all about my insecurities. One that i can talk to hours with about true feelings and he does not judge. Sometimes the simplest options are right in front of us and we search for drama in the world, never to be happy. With my man right now, he is chatting up women on an online dating site. Its not the anti depressants. He's just dodgy. Its not about sticking around because you can't leave someone after they tell you that. Its leaving becuase some behaiviour can't be excused. Twice. I'll let some other women have him. Perhaps this is why he is single after all this time.

If i was six months pregnant would i want him to be my man?

And the answer is no. He's proven i can't trust him. He's pushed me away and is dating others. Thankyou, goodbye. Its as simple as that.

i think i am ready to say goodbye

Its taken a while. But at some stage you realise that the man your in love with just does not feel the same. When he takes a pic of you and cuts your out, what more is there to say? goodluck to him with other women i say. I'm out. I want faithful and loyalty. You are just a cheater.

I'm thinking about a man thats closer to home

I've known him for a long time. I also think i am his dream girl, but for real. He knows my culture, he wants a lifestyle that fits, he craves for me.

He's seen me at my worst and still has feelings for me. He's seen me at my best and isn't intimidated.

Isn't this what true love is about? It took us a while to get there but we are here now.  I can be honest with him. He is not scared of unconditional love and family.  I can talk to him about anything.

I went for a man thats not so right for me. Hoping to live fairytales in my mind.

But in reality he is seeing other women. His words are all that they are.

Yet there is a man that just works culturally. One i could have a future with.

Decisions, decisions.

Second chances

He gets one without asking. This is for spending the next month loving him unconditionally. This is for giving this everything i have.  This is for trying my best before walking away because i have not been honest and i have not made life all that easy for him.

Its because he tried so hard the other weekend and i could see he was tired and i could see the effect of the medicine on him and its because deep down i love him and know that in the way he squeezes my hand that he loves me too.

The next few days i just need to back off. See what happens when back at work. Be incredibly nice to him until he comes back once more.

Love him unconditionally because i care and because i can see that he is the man thats meant for me.

Just for a month and see where we are at and hope for the best.

A month does not take any time from thirty years. Other men will still be there. Life will still be fabulous.

I've found a reason to drop him

The thing is, there was a man i once loved. Sometimes i think i still do. I let him break me once. But a second time - that is my fault.

Perhaps i should not of thrown caution to the wind. Perhaps i should have waited to trust him.

That photo of him and i. He cut me out and put it on a dating site. Is there no better goodbye that that? Why would i even stick around. Trust destroyed in a second.

And there is many a man who i have tole of him, who is the love of my life. Maybe they will be interested.

The man that thinks out lives will be perfect together because we are just a fit. The man that craves for me because i'm someone new that he met and

Its scary

So i created a profile as someone else and got talking to him. He's already asked me out for coffee. Thanks Babe - so much for the talk of marriage and all that. No wonder valentines was so drab. Was it with somebody else. Screw you.

All in or nothing at all

Sometimes living your life in the sidelines, playing games and waiting for a knight in shining armour is fruitless. I've been one foot in and one foot out lately.  I know he has a problem. I know i want to be there for him. I know i want to tell him i love him. Yet my actions and his are of two people playing games. The way he holds me, the way he confides in me, it can't be a lie. It just can't.

But then i need to stop these games. Yes he has a profile but so have i, i just hide it better and i play games on facebook with him and flirt with other men to get his attention.

If its neglect i'm feeling, i should just walk away rather than play silly games in a hope he will get jealous and come running back.

Four months is early days. Perhaps we need to be friends for a little while first and see how we go.

Part of me is also scared for the future. That i'm getting older and that time is running out to meet the man of my dreams. I'm scared of wasting time with him. The hardest bit is not knowing if i'm in or out. If he were to turn around and break it off, it would not be a bad thing. A relief really. But everytime i ask he talks of marriage and going off the meds and never playing games with me. Yet he's not exactly honest.

But is this human nature. I kissed a man a saturday night ago, i haven't let a old flame i'm taken, i flirt with other men for attention and a few wednesdays ago i let a man take me out on a date. I'm not exactly in am i?

So do i have a leg to stand on because he is online and speaking to others? Can i blast him for putting a picture up and cutting me out of it? The same picture i looked at to feel less anxious.

Last night was bad. The anxiety came back. But this time i couldn't use the technique from the councillor. Mainly because i had reason to feel anxious. But then it was a reminder of what he must be feeling. This morning though the walk along the beach helped. The fresh air and my tunes in my ears. I have been struggling.

I think its time to walk away

I've found an online profile of him. And it had a picture of him and me but with me cut out.

I think thats the sign to walk away.

Thankyou, goodbye

sometimes i just want to crawl up in a little ball and cry

I hate this. Perhaps i need to say goodbye. Perhaps not.

Is it the tablets. Is it him? His words are so sweet. But then he is not who he made himself out to be.

And i've found a reason not to trust him

But really i went looking. And i'm not even sure if its real. Oh whats going on.

The lack of communication is an issue. I'm not sure i can do this anymore.

I want to. I wish i could. Its hard.

And its a trust thing. And how much of it is the tablets. How much of it is me.

The world is my oyster, but do i really want it?

So yesterday i was looking at B-school apps. I have a chance to get in. I was looking at the campus, the curriculum, where i want to go in the world. I could feel a certain thirst for knowledge and feel the euporia of being able to dedicate myself to studying full time again. I craved it.

The easiest way would be to do it part time in my home city. One of the best in the country, world class but somehow still in my reach so easily that it would feel like i was settling.

But then really, how much does it matter. I don't need it for career progression. I want the status and the prestige, but really i want to study with the best and be surrounded by brillient minds.

Then i think of my life. My family, my boyfriend, my friends. Do i really want to take a year out of a life that i have worked hard to build? Have i not travelled enough in my twenties to satiate that craving.

And then two logistics. Not having a significant salary. What to do with my furniture. How do i go from a bachlerette pad with ocean views to student accomodation and no salary?

Sounds of the ocean with the wind blowing through my hair

And i'm back on the deck overlookingthe waves on this overcast day in paradise. A hike to a secret beach in thongs, scrabling through rocks, leaches and an impromptu visit to a chocolate factory. First world problems at it's best.

Sometimes i love this blog because it is anonymous. Its where i get to brain dump all that is going in, in my mind. To say i haven't been sad and upset and a tad anxious about not hearing from my man would be a lie. He is in my thoughts constantly and lingering in the shadows, wondering why he doesn't call.

I know depression and anxiety are big, I know its the medicine pushing him away, i know everytime we speak he is wonderful and i have no reason to think there is anything wrong with us. I know its his problem and not mine and that i need to stop taking it personally.

He retreated after valantines day when i was disapointed at him. I haven't heard from him at all. I'm struggling.

But then i think back to the days of no men in my life. It was always a downer, not having someone to trust and share your life with. But now there is a man i am falling in love with that is reciprocating it back the best he can. Possibly even better than any man has in the past. One that can see a future with me by his side.

Everyone has their demons. Here i am fighting an illness and some medicine for he has a heart of gold. Not in one instance has he done the wrong thing by me. The hardest thing is dealing with my own insecurities and sticking through.

Sometimes its tempting to run. To wish he would do something that would make me walk. Living ten feet above the ground is easier. Does not require understanding and compormise. No relationship is easy and the best ones are the ones that get through time.

Sometimes i think with my stand offs i am playing games of resentment. It true i feel neglected. Its true i crave to run away into the arms of a more frivolous man that will fall for me for a moment before disapearing into the night.

Life is complicated. Its happy. Its sad. Its about good friends.

If only i could shake this off and just be happy for a moment. Not think of him when he has pushed me away. I will stick it out for a few months. In four months time i want to mark this day and see how i feel.

Will it turn around or will i seep deeper and deeper into un happiness. Sometimes one needs to time tag these things. While its great to be patient, sometimes one cannot throw away a life so easily.

I hope we work. I think he is a great man.

Lazing around by the ocean

I'm sitting on the sun chaires on our balcony deck, the ocean breeze in my hair and the sounds of waves crashing onto the shore in the air. Tunes from musix Max sneaking in from inside. Good friends, good times. Nothing to do.

Went for a jog along the ocean this morning an wandered back along the shore, letting my feet catch the waves and watching the world go by. Sometimes this is bliss. What holidays are all about.

A bit of time out from the pressures of life. Saying goodbye to all that doesn't work. Coming back refreshed and better than ever.

Its about calling those friends i haven't had a chance to chat to in a while. Its about talking shit and about life with good friends from long ago andrealising that i have barely let the friendships thrive in the complexity and hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Its about relaxing by the beach and just not worrying!

On just enjoying my chill out time

I've run off for a sea change for just a a week with some good friends from a lifetime ago. I love it. A beach house, the ocean, the water, the luxuries in life thrown in with the thrill of an early morning jog.

The ability to chill and just do nothing and love it all the same.

Its been a perfect few days. Time out from a life that moves way too fast. I'm sitting here, with the ocean whispering in my ears while i listen to some cheesy country tunes and type up this blog while the others sleep.

Its about friendships and keeping them alive. Its about giving my man his space. Its about experiencing true love. With all its adventures, moments of ecstatic happiness and learning to accept your lover for who they truly are, the good and the bad, and revealing your true self to the man you love and being vulnerable to rejection.

Its about not playing silly games and just giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight i miss him. Most nights i miss him. But i think he is going through a lot. I love him to be patient. He still makes me feel like i am the centre of his life, the only girl that matters.

And in the meantime while i wait i will have a fabulous time. I have one of the best lives ever. Things just could not get better.

On not playing games

What is the point anymore. If one has met the man of their dreams and wants to make it work and he has provided no reason not to give him the benefit of the doubt, why play all these games.

The hardest thing is admitting to yourself that you have fallen hard for a man. Tp let yourself be vulnerable.

The thing is, i am in a relationship. He is my man. I do trust him.

I should stop myself from communicating with him. He is different to every man i have ever dated.

I think we are just right for each other. We work.

Taking time out

So i've got a week chilling by the beach with some close friends from an old place we used to work in. Seven days of bliss.

Sometimes living in oz, you forget that some of the worlds best beaches is a mere stones throw away. It's that stage in life where one can afford to throw a couple of grand for a week by the beachside and not even eat into savings.

So we have a massive beach house across from the ocean and a beautiful lake known for its tea tree oil and calming effects. Its relaxing, its fun, its what i need.

And the friends, I worked with them once. It was a long time ago and i started my first ever graduate job with them. Since then we have all moved on. But the friendship remains.

So i sit around in our luxury beachhouse, enjoying the peace and the moments.

My man on the other hand is another thing. I love him lots but wonder what he's upto. In some ways i feel so close to him. In other ways i wonder if we are together at all.







Deep down he is everything i want. Will we work out? who knows?

A strange sense of comfort

Who would have thought taking a week off work to study would be so rewarding and enriching. Something so basic like english and math can bring so much happieness. I've been enjoying wandering through the halls of university where i once spent another lifetime in.

I sat in that familiar table, overlooking university square. Except this time round i am a more accomplished, more focused, more confident self. Except this time around its just me. My friends have long left this place and there is no boyfriend to share those study moments with. This time i went straight to the underground carpark rather than scrounging around for cheap parking and moving cars.

Its been a brillient few days. I've loved exercising my brain. Its been nice to spend time on my own. Its been nice to get away from the alcohol riddled corporate world.

To B school or not

So tomorrow is my exam. I have had a nice time taking a week off work to study. Doing maths and english and being locked away in a library all on your own can be lovely sometimes. I've been living in my own little world.

Back when i was at uni, i knew those days would be the best days of my life. And i took advantage of it.

This latest test, studying for it has been enjoyable. Jogging my brain and rediscovering a thirst for kmowledge.

This week i have been thinking too. Perhaps B-school is not for me. This test is really just a rite of passage i had to do before settling for something a little less.

The tide is changing and i no longer crave to be a CEO or be the best in the world. I don't want to disrupt my life for a year at Harvard or Yale.

And settling really isn't settling. It's the best australia and asia have to offer.

Life is sometimes about shades of perfection. My life just couldn't get better.

Shades of grey

Hanging out at that backpacker joint once more, clutching onto the morsels of anonymity which affords me there. I fit right in with my journal, glass of vino and pizza. And i look ten years younger than i am.

So they were chatting me up. I was honest and being me, something that comes with age. That ability to laugh at yourself, say exactly whats on your mind and be brimming with that exclusive touch of confidence that can be ever so sexy.  Its about being comfortable in your own skin.

A few too many drinks later, i yanked myself away. Does one steal a quick kiss, give out a number, never return a phonecall. It could have been a moment.

And somewhere else my man is going through a lot. He does not want me close. But want me he does. And i too crave for him.

Losing oneself in this make believe world, i'm not sure if i should continue on my escapes. Is it time to say goodbye?

Thinking things through

There is something to be said about the wander along a sunday market as well as the spirituality of seeing my tarot reader aka clinical psychologist under the staires. Sometimes a trusted source and someone to talk thing through with is all i need.

Understanding what he's going through, the science behind his medicine and the ins and outs of depression and anxiety.

I'm here to stay and i feel a tad more informed in being with him. How to draw him close and enjoy each others company.

I need to be in or out

And tonight i think i have decided that i am in. I love him really, and there are so many wonderful things about him. He has ticked the boxes that no other man has and made me feel ever so special.

While his anxiety isn't easy, it must be a hundread times worse for him. But he is open and honest, trusting me with everything.

I just need to have my own life and be by his side. Let him initiate things at his own pace and just be there. I am strong. Often i just need to know that, there is no other for him but me. And he had made that clear time and time again.

Patience, love and care.

For him and i, we can be powerful together. We can work through this.

There are too many wonderfuls about him to let him go. He is definitely a keeper.

Why is love so complicated

I know he's on these tablets and that he has a problem. He seems so genuine when i finally speak to him. But really, i can't keep feeling like this.

Is this what next year will bring, and the next.

It was a pretty bitchy comment i sent to him. This is the most disapointing valentines day i've ever had.

Straight to the ego heh - no wonder he has withdrawn. But this is him too. Ignoring me.

Would it kill him to pick up the phone and call.

Today was a disapointment

A measly text on valentines day. Then i tried to get in contact and you have disapeared, yet again.

I know your going through a lot - but this is a bit much isn't it.

This isn't a relationship. I feel like you have pretended to be somebody else when we got together.

Was this your plan all along, reel me in with sweet words and do the bare minimum you can for the rest.

Sometimes i hate you.

What i really want

I don't give a shit about your house in france or how much you earn. What i really want is a guy that wants to hear my voice each day, hear about my day and can't wait to tell me about his.

Hundreads of girls would kill to be with you.

I just don't need your wealth. I need your love.

I remember when you used to be crazy about me

But i still think you are.

You try to avoid me but i can see that my every move makes a difference with you.

Baby i love you. Your the best. I miss you.

I actually love him

Sometimes i just think we will work out perfectly.

We will work through this.

I can tell he likes me. I can see when he gets nervous.

Last night

So i went out on that date. It was intimate but i did not get too close. We had a good time chatting. I even invited him up for coffee. Yet i kept my distance.

Because you know what, he wasn't you. I love you baby.

Today things seemed a little better, sort of, maybe.

And then you saw me with him and then you retreated back into your shell.

But really its not me. Your the one with the problem and i have to stop finding excuses.

I really am ready to walk. I can't even break up with you as you are avoiding me.

How are you?

How are you?

Such simple words.

How do I say to you that an old friend came onto me  during a study session and that while it didn’t go anyway, I didn’t necessarily push him away either. How do I say to you that I went on a date with a man that was not you and that I actually had a good time and I invited him back for coffee and while that also lead to nothing, I may even see him again. 

How do I say to you that you not answering my calls and messages and not wanting to see me and not having a way to communicate with you is making me feel confused and powerless and then I just end up feeling angry and eventually supressing my feelings with a smile and resenting you. So much so that I had to see a councillot to figure it all out. 

How do I say to you that I am thinking of leaving.

I'm Jealous

I have been for a while.

You touched her the other day and complimented her on her dress right in front of me. And you had not complimented me for weeks. I hated you for that.

And i wonder if i want to be with a guy thats so outrageously flirtatious.

You let the other girl know that she was good looking.

Other women complement you and know you by name.

You brag about your wealth.

Perhaps those compliments were not just for me. Perhaps i wasn't your dream girl.  Perhaps your just a prick of a guy, a sleazebag. Just like your boss describes you.

I just accidently fell for you.

I hate you now. You pretended to be someone else. I fell for you. You broke my heart. Now i am leaving.

It hurts to walk away but sometimes you need to. I really do hate you. As the tears flow its all coming out. I can't keep it in and be accomodating anymore. Its too hard.

Fuck you.

Ready to walk away

Its been like this for the past two or three months. He has consistently ignored me on numerous occasions and cancelled. I have excused him for work, being sick and whatever else. But the reality is, its been a few months and i don't want this to become the norm.

I'm ready to move to the next stage in life. And there is still many a man.

And in the past i have let so much drag on. Time is precious.

Love needs to be patient but i have done my time with you. I want greener pastures if you are not ready.

Baby - this could be your thankyou, goodbye.

I have a date for wednesday night

And its not with you.

Time is running out.

I'm getting defensive

I've been chasing him for a while. Accomodating. Nice. Taking the back seat with my own feelings. I've had enough.

Its time for make or break and i will tell him so.

Two can be like this. I have nothing more to say to you.  I want you to msg me so i can ignore you.

You need to make up for your behaiviour over the last few months. Otherwise it's thankyou goodbye.

Because time is precious. And while i love you, if your going to continue to ignore me, i am going to fall for the man in my life that is emotionally available.

This could be thank you goodbye.

Courage to walk away comes from within. I want to know now if this will not work and walk away and let the man on the sidelines in.

I'm ready to settle and start another life. I need to face in the same direction as my man.

Who knows - will it be you or him?

This is all your doing. Why did you ignore me all these months? Get complacent? Or is this just the real you?

I'm still sad

Part of me rejoices. For a while i struggled to feel and cry. The way i am feeling right now, shows that i care. That i've worn my heart on a sleeve and he's trampled all over it.

I'm jealous. But i think its because of all the crap from my father. He used to love my cousins over me. I associate him with that paternal influence and i think deep down i get scared that i am not number one.

Sometimes i am not. I got jealous when he complimented both the girls at work. When he was chummy with her. I was retaliating really. Out of jealousy.

Almost

I almost want him to put his profile back up so that i may break up with him for a good reason.

a trip down memory lane

I'm trying to feel happy. I dug up some old photo's and journals. It always amazes me about how wonderful a life i have had. Just read through my journal in the himalayas. Day to day feelings outside of relity.

Me and D will work out. I just know it. Its just a glitch in the road and we will need to work through it.

The thing is i love him.

Taking that first step

So i have always wanted to live in a castle in Paris and study an MBA. I have taken the first step and signed up for the GMAT and a week of annual leave to study.

Head down. Lets give it a go.

I wonder where life will take me.

A man as potential. A career as potential.

Yes things are sad right now. But i don't really have any problems.

A three figure salary, an apartment with ocean views, an investment portfolio and now have my heart set on the worlds finest MBA schools.

It might work out with him and perhaps it won't. Either way, will life be that bad?

i kind of did stuff up

So the night was young and it was work drinks. Politics alive and thriving and i was pressing all the right buttons, visibly engaging with who i needed to play these corporate games. And heading off for a quiet drink with the directors and letting the rumours run wild with those that were not engaging with me, just sealed the deal.

But i forgot that my boyfriend was there. Yes, you know the guy thats i love because he is straight forward and plays no politics. And i accidently ignored him and left without saying goodbye to go drinking with other men and had rumours run wild that i was out till two until it was souvlaki time.

And i said i was sorry. If the tables were turned i would be furious.

I'm mad at a consistancy in his behaiviour. But i am wrong too.

Stoopid really. He is the only man for me.

Things are going awesomely at work

I got yet another award this morning. Isn't it grand.

Yet i'm not sure if it excites me anymore. I feel it's at the price of a relationship.

Baby i love you, not work, not him.

I'm sorry.

I just can't do this anymore

Tears and heartache. You've been ignoring me consistently for months. You have barely thrown me a compliment in a long time.

I didn't fall for you. I fell for someone you pretended to be.

I'm hurt because you don't answer my calls, return my messages or call me beautiful anymore. You push me away, treat others so well and barely give me a glance.

Its thankyou, goodbye. Thanks for breaking my heart.

There are so many wonderful things about him...

There really is and my heart sings out to him.

Everygirl craves to be spoiled though. Feel special. Have her man call her about forevers together. Flowers and oh to be called beautiful.

We are drifting apart.

I'm working through my issues. But this feeling is not anxiety. Its sadness and i think this time it is based in reality. On what i need.

It makes me cry to think i might break up with him. That perhaps him and I are not to be and we just moved really fast. The spark is only partially there.

I want the guy i fell for. The one who seemed to think i was magic. Is he still there? Has he changed his mind?  Is he just feeling secure in his complacency.

I think he is a wonderful man. I have tears in my eyes at the thought that i might walk away.

Decisions....

Dry Toast

Once, a long time ago, a indian friend of mine said that dating a white man was like eating dry toast.  She was reffering to communication styles.

The cultural part is what i am scared of. That relationships mean a lot more to me that him. That i'm going to keep feeling empty inside and stray.

The thing is i am crazy about him. Can see a future with him. Yes, there are things going on in his life which makes it stressful. But he's not excited to see me anymore. He wants to slow things down. He barely communicates with me. I don't know how to express my own feelings.

I think we are ok. He thinks i'm lovely. He's just busy with trying to work out his life.

I'm trying not to play these games. But its just the emptiness of it all. When we are together, and he holds me tight and brushes away my hair, the other night when he told me he loved me when he thought i was sleeping. He has these feelings in him.

A spark is dying. I want the old him back. The guy i fell for.

Trouble in paradise once more

We struggle to communicate.

I know i stuffed up. Like real bad. If the tables were turned i would be furious.

My way of dealing with things is to talk through it, quickly. His way of dealing with things is to get some space and time to cool down and think.

The result is i feel unwanted and lonely and he feels crowded. We both feel crummy.

Or maybe i just need to chill.

But the underlying issue is that we are barely seeing each other. Is he avoiding me?

Have we lost that spark?

I don't think we have. The way he held me the other night. The way we fell asleep together.

We will work through this. Can't be too hard can it. I just need to back off.

Deep down

I wish i could loose all my humility and fall in love with you. Bare desrie's , pure intelligence.

Life does not work that way. Its survival of the fittest and being fit does not necessarily mean being clever.

In my world he is my hero.

changing of the tide

Its that sense of security and the fact that he has not really ever done anything wrong by me. Sure he ignores me for days and doesn't want to speak to me daily, but no man has in years and its still early days.

Sometimes he just wants life to be easy, not communicate too much, take it easy, lay in the dark and squeeze my hand tight. Men and women are so different. I hope we grow into each other, learn to be more honest and spill our deepest darkest secrets without fear of being judged.

Things are almost always going well. Its just scary sometimes. We are not getting any older and this really is putting it all with one man.

I do care for him, perhaps sometimes i think i love him. Time will tell, but can i afford the time?

Last friday night

My man took me to a movie and dinner. He held my hand and hugged me so tight. He held my hand and squeezed tight. All night we lay in each others arms and in the morning we hung out in domenstic bliss.

Sometimes we say nothing to each other but that squeeze of his hand on mind feels wonderful. I think he is amazing. I can't believe he is mine.

Work does not help. Its so impersonal. Yet we will work through.

There are quirks, the occasional insecurity, a little bit of anxiety from the past. But really, i think we are good and he is wonderful.

Its past midnight and i'm still working

And its not so bad. Its that rish once again of working hard. This time on performance appraisals and i am craving pulling an allnighter. Its already one am and i am only half way through. My deadline is midnight tomorrow night. Better to do it tonight that run out of time tomorrow.

I have not done it in a while. It excites me that i still can. I hate the pressure but then i love it too.

It makes me feel successful.

There is another man that could be the "one"

Right now the man of the moment that isn't necessarily doting on me is getting all my attention.

Then there is this other man with a promise of lifetime of happiness.

I am falling for my man, but i don't know if these feelings are mutual. I don't know if this is how the world is supposed to spin.

Perhaps i should walk away for nothing will ever be perfect.

Perhaps i should go with the one man thar thinks i am the one, rather than the perhaphs, maybe , that adds a young singaporean girl that he barely knows to his profile but barely gives me a look in.

Balls in his court. If he is into me, he will let me know. Otherwise lets quickly get on with life....

Technology is stoopid

So a month or so back i added him on facebook. He never added me back and my request has gone very much ignored. At times he makes me wonder if he has never noticed. At other times i wonder if he is deliberately ignoring me.

Sometimes things are perfect. Other times, not so much.

Time will tell. I am in retreat mode. If he notices, who knows. If he doesn't, perhaps i am reading too much into this.

I thought i heard him say...

We were fast asleep but he was still holding me tight and he told me he would look after me and whispered that he loved me. That was a moment.

I don't think he thought i heard.

But i can see that he is in love. And so am I.

We can try to deny these things but reality comes through in our sweet kisses and beautiful embraces. I think he's perfect.

The perfect wedding

It was like a fairytale come true as my best friend got married and i was the maid of honor. Walking down the aisle, watching her stunning entrace, putting her dress on, holding her veil and train, witnessing those wows and signing their marriage certificate.

Wandering about town with our fairy princess, the bridal party in all its beauty.

Life was just beautiful. The inside view and driving around in out old cars. posing, photo shoots and magical moments.

And then that reception and meeting my man there, and the way he kept looking at me and telling me i was gorgeous. Glancing at me at moments and treating my best friend so well and being sweet and ever so gorgeous, holding me tight and making me feel like his dream girl.

And then i love him once more, sort of, maybe

The thing is, i have taken a step back, but now his step backwards is moving forwards.

Sometimes i think we are perfect in terms of mutual attraction. We are both wanting each other and to claim that space as each other's significant other. Every now and then the balance is upset and one of us pulls away, only to be drawn back once more.

Today was a tough day. Work wise, the pressure to perform, the stress of work in general. But then i get paid the big bucks for the pressure i do take on.

And when it comes to my man, i've been feeling jealous and neglected. I can't help it. But perhaps i have no reason to feel this way.

Who knows.

Second thoughts

That rush of feeling is gone. I wasn’t excited to see him. I’m not even excited for the weekend. Feeling a tad bland about it all.  I have not seen him in two weeks. That’s ok. The thing I don’t like is the lack of communication. We just don’t speak. How is one to have a future. Perhaps one day, perhaps maybe. But time is precious. There are many a man now but will not be forever. Will we work?  I’m not sure. I’m just wondering if we are looking in the same direction, where are priorities lie.

Second thoughts

Today on the plane to somewhere else i was having some doubts and him and I. That perhaps i misread the signals. The sweet gestures that i thought were meant just for me, was perhaps just his natural flirtiness with women and him just being nice. Perhaps i wasn't the girl that got away or one he had on a pedestal.

Then i was thinking of how he wasn't curry. How we don't communicate much. How i have not had a conversation with him in two weeks or so.

Time is precious. There is another potential on the sidelines wanting to know where my heart lies.  A best friend from long ago that knows all my secrets and deepest thoughts.

I'm just not impressed by him right now. That touch in front of me and that compliment he gave to her, also in front of me. Was it disrespectful? What was he hoping to achieve? Or was that just his natural flirty self? It's just made me feel a little impartial.

Life is bliss

Somewhere along the way it all just worked out. Life became perfect.

I look at my problems and the world around me, and relaise that i really have no problems. The biggest decision i have to make is weather or not to buy that pearl necklace from Tiffany's and if the money is truly worth it.

I have everything. I love who i am. I am proud of me.

What else could one ever ask for in life?

I still want to do an MBA and live in a castle in the outskirts of Paris

And i feel as if i will make it happen. Perhaps.

I have a man but he is not everything. I have the world at my fingertips.  Perhaps we will work and i will do a local MBA, take a few years off, have kids and live hapilly ever after.

Or i continue as i am, wildly successful and traversing the world. Studying at one of the worlds best institutes and having one of those careers that goes in leaps and bounds.

Isn't love beautiful?

Love is a complicated thing

Sometimes i question this and that, although on at a high level it seems like all is well.

He is pushing back on me, wanting space but then not really for he includes me in everything almost in his life. I'm invited to meet his closest friends and be his date for every where he goes.

Yet he never calls me or answers my calls. I've let him know how crazy i am about him, he pushes me away. I will take a step back for the moment.

Today i felt sad for he touched another girl in passing. Nothing secual, just a touch of the hand on an expression and he told her, her dress looked so nice. I don't get such compliments anymore. I haven't heard a compliment in quite a while.

I miss the way he used to be. Maybe that was to reel me in. Maybe he is no longer into me. Maybe i just need to take it slow in my head.

And i, I am not making it easy on him. Flirting with men in the office but not really. Trying to make him jealous when all i want is him.

It's all so complicated. All is good. We will just get through this as nothing is really wrong. This is just the rollercoaster of a fresh love. The ups and downs are what make it so exciting.

Men are funny creatures

So he had a freak out (again) and i diffused it with laughter and brought him to his senses. Drama is not my thing.

I can see the spark returning. Today he couldn't get enough of me.

Oh the excitement of love and dating. Sometimes you just need to enjoy the anticipation of it all, before it turns to that quiet confort of a love that will last a lifetime.

A blast from memory lane

It's that year of weddings and engagements for me. Last night was a blast from the past. Catching up with the tronix crew from uni days. It's hard to believe that I have had years of my life where I went out clubbing three times a week with these guys. Now some of them are married and the conversations have changed. We have all made it in the world, careers blazing ahead and making it in society. I caught them eating carrots as they worry about age and waistlines. It's funny to think back to the days of these guys sporting six pacs while living on xbox and junk food.


We drank coke and complained about how loud the music was and we spoke about settling down and having kids.


I look fondly back at that time. Of the little girl I was. A perfect body but ever so insecure and in search of answers only maturity and time could answer.

I still want to take over the world

So today by the lake as I was thinking, I started getting excited again. I'm willing to compromise for love and not even see it as a compromise. Yet, there is an exciting life to continue with.

An MNA in the outskirts of Paris, speaking French, helping a friend out with his cambodian charity and letting that best friend from uni days turn into a lover as he so craves.

I sometimes wonder if I am just too traditional. Perhaps I am chasing the unknown, in some way trying to reconcile a rejection and prove something I don't need to.

Truth is that there is a man that really knows me deeply. That I can open up and have conversations with that do transcend time. One who has been my best friend through the years, proven himself time and time again.

Love is a rollercoaster

It's a funny thing love. Or that feeling somewhere between like and love. He came on so strong and recently I've just been trying to be nice. But it's time to take a step back, maintain some balance.

We really are two people trying to see if we are meant to be together. Two people who have lived their lives, fallen in love and had their hearts broken one too many times. Sometimes it's baby steps to let yourself love again.

He thinks we are moving too fast. He is stressed. He acts like he can't get enough of me sometimes.

Today I felt sad a little. Because sometimes I would love some reassurance. Because he is adding everyone but me on Facebook.

So far he has deserved the benefit of the doubt. He has been wonderful and I feel secure.

Patience is key , and continuing to live my life to the fullest.

Today I went for a walk down by the lake and sat on the grass listening to some tunes. It was beautiful really. It's that beautiful place to get some fresh air, contemplate the world, feel lucky for all that you have and develop the confidence to walk away or stay, knowing that life will be beautiful regardless.

Here is a man where I think we could have a future. But by no means am I disillusioned. Time will tell. Am I in love with what could be rather than what is?

I recall my first love, extreme highs, the courage to be brutally honest without knowing what hurt feels like, and conversations that transcend time.

Sometimes we feel like dry toast. I wonder if we could ever just open up. That real deep conversations.

Only time will tell...

Me and my man

Life is just swimming along. He is my man and we keep in contact almost daily and it feels so natural. I get excited when i see him and thinking of him makes me smile.

Sometimes i get scared about getting married, having kids, letting go of this career i've worked so hard to build, getting pregnant, the pain of child birth and living some other life.

He's a fully grown man. He's lived a certain part of his life and so have i. We will enter phases of life together and grow together while having had full filling lives of our own. The challenge will be learning to live with each other. Together and forever.

Its like i have lived all my life, making mistakes, having adventures and following my heart. And then one day i woke up and realised the man of my dreams has been right in front of me all along.

Second chances are beautiful.

The best new years in the history of time

So i celebrated with a kiss on the hour while sitting on my mans lap, shared a glass of the worlds best champagne and fell asleep in his arms. Woke up to a cuddle and a walk along the ocean and then he took me to a beautiful lookout and lunch by the ocean. Holding hands, stealing glances and kisses, dropping in to say hello to his parents and pick up his dog, long drives.

Some days are just perfect. Today was one of those.

Light bulb moment

So this is one realtionship i really do not want to stuff up, yet i know there are some things that are fundamentally wrong with me and also certain issues that i have not worked through in my head which may be impacting on the way i feel and behave.

So yesterday i went and saw a councillor. And it was mass moments of revelations that i had not even thought of. The reasons i thought were clear and simple, were just not the case.

So the the alcoholism from my dad in my childhood and the constant fighting and tension filled air of my childhood is having an effect on me despite my close relationship with my family these days. It seems i have learnt to be anxious through childhood because thats all i know and i associate it with any close relationships.

Hence why i feel that way regardless of how good things are going. The last two days, the strategies she helped me out with together with being conscious of this has really helped.

Its tough but i want to make the new man in my life work. Its not all rosy, but life is about compromise.

On meeting his family

So xmas lunch was just about perfect. Something i know how to play well is being the perfect girlfriend in front of the parents. Flowers for his mother and chocolates for the others.

I'm all that is poise and elegance. A simple yet sweet dress, understated Tiffany no's and a beautiful smile on my face.

It was lovely spending time with him. Holding his hand, cuddling up in his arms

Dig Dig Dig

You know when something goes wrong and you try to put a bandaid on it and it just gets worse and worse.

Well i'm not sure about this new relationship. It was all good for a bit. And then one day he got drunk and forgot about some commitments he made with me, and then i gave him the silent treatment and then i realised he still had an online profile and then he took it down and didn't feel like speaking to me, and then i felt bad for getting mad at him and then tried making it up by calling him, but he kept avoiding me, and then he kept getting sick and i kept flying off to sydney and then his career was not going so well and then all of a sudden i won an award even though i thought mine was going as shit and then i said soemthing to belittle his ego at work and then he started avoiding me on the phone unless it was to do with him directly but all along he still had an open invite to meet his family and tomorrow i will meet his but i;m not so sure because in the last day he put his profile up but i am meant to trust him so i should not even know this.

Life is tough. Do i say nothing and keep the peace. I can always walk away another day.

The things is i have already told my parents about you. I wish i had realised that you had put your profile back up. If i had of known, you would not mention a word. In fact i would go to my parents instead of yours.

Corinthians 13:4

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

I wonder why he just doesn't

He ignores my calls and my messages. Puts me off for days on end.

Yet he seems so into me at the same time. Where once my gut would tell me to walk away, this time i feel so secure that he is completely into me.

The old me craves to drop him and to run away. But then i think of what we could be and don't want to take a lifetime away.

Do i need to stand up for myself in terms of respect and my feelings? Am i strong enough for him to walk all over me and still not make it matter so much?

Whats the go? What should i do? Do i go with my gut? Do i love him in patiance hoping one day he will be there emotionally for me while today i just learn to deal with myself.

It's tempting to just ignore him, to let this go. But then i feel like i am walking away...

At the end of the day he makes me happy

Sometimes i just need to realise that i have some poisonous influences in my life and friends that are less than after thats best for me.

My man makes me feel so secure. Like i am the girl on the pedestal which was the reason no other girl measured up. I'm the dream girl he thought was out of reach that suddenly became a reality.

He's wonderful and he treats me well.

I love him. I can't wait to meet his family at xmas and for him to meet mine over the break.

Fairytales in reality is just beginning to form.

He's in his cave and i feel lonely

Sometimes you just want to speak to your man. Or you need to speak to your man.

But his emotions are different and he needs his space.

We are all different in this world.  I know, i know.

In reality i love him and i wish he would too. I want to settle down with him, have his children and spend the rest of our lives together.

A turning point in life perhaps....

My careers still taking off at a million miles an hour

I just thought temporarily that it wasn't. A little bit of politics and maybe a little bit of influence from dating a colleague whose career is not going so well.

But i was at that xmas party last night. Not trying all that hard but completely confident in my own shoes. I was hot but in that classy, stylish, fully composed manner. I was humble too. I didn't even realise he was talking about me for the award until i heard my name.

I am a somebody. People see me an impressive. I am going places. I got "stuck" in a conversation with the dude that runs the show.

The thing is i am going places. I am recognised. People look at me and what i have achieved in such a short time and think i am amazing

The thing is i am.

So the career i thought i was losing is alive and kicking and moving in leaps and bounds once again. Perhaps somethings never change. I am destined for success after success...

i feel secure with you

The problems of yesterday still remain. We have not caught up properly for three weeks but working together we have exchanged many a loving glance and a raised eyeborw. Your stressed about career and have entered your cave. My wings have been unclipped and i am happily making the world spin.

I miss you. I crave your touch and your smile and your kiss. I will wait patiently on the sidelines even though i am upset.

I'm sad

Today i just confronted him. And he took it down straight away. He was apologetic. He said sorry. He said i was the only one.

The thing is I'm sad. I have a date for tomorrow night. I'm thinking of heading upto sydney and considering other men.

Deep down i want you. I'm scared. I know your crazy about me.

As down to earth as i may be, i;m just used t grant gentures of empty love. How do i adjust to a man thats true to his word and get rid of all the hurt from my past.

Its been a sad weekend. Emotionally exhausted.

Trouble in Paradise

He cancelled on me because he went out and got drunk with a colleague. Sent a few measly texts of apology, thirty mins after we were meant to catch up. I am silent.

Today nothing.

I'm going through mixed emotions. Anger and being upset. A little bit of crying and a little bit of wanting to hurl abuse his way and a little bit of knowing that this is the first blemish and its not such a big deal and that i want to get through this.

I want to tell him that i wish he could grow some balls and just pick up the phone. Harsh - something i never would say to his face but having a rant online is all i need.

This is why it never worked out first time around. What about now?
Does he still harbour the same feelings?

Work has been stressful lately

It has. And thats only been part of it.

It doesn't help that the man that i thought was wodnerful is acting like a dick in his own way. I still have tears in my eyes. Even if he never realises how hurt i am.

The thing is i am in a successful position and life is where ii am looking to take it. Today , someone looked at me and womdered how i had got so far.

Goodbye to all the shit. Should i really do this?

I have a man i do truly love. I am hurt by him in two ways. The first because he always cancels and his words don't mean all that much. The second, he still has a dating profile up.

Tonight i'm home alone and crying

I'm hurt. I was looking forward to spending time with him.

All the things he does not do - the flowers, the taking me out to fancy restaurants i let slide. But the thing is, i kind of miss those gentures.

Perhaps i have moved too fast. Faster than he has moved.

Do i confront him about his profile?

I'm hurt

We were meant to catch up tonight. We made a time and we made a plan and we had a place.
I kept my word and gave up a few worlds as they came up as i had already made plans with you.

But tonight you decided to get drunk and then went home to sleep and ignored my two calls and msg and twenty minutes later told me you couldn't make it.

You suck.

So my first retaliation is to think of other men. Tim the construction dude that wanted to catch up tonight, or my friend thats out on the town tonight or that last minute invite to the xmas party.

But the thing is i prioritised you before it all. And you chose to not prioritise me in the same way.

Its a tough one. I want this to work but i am hurt at the same time. I needed to talj to you as i was stressed, i cooked for you, i put you first.

Perhaps this is a life lesson in not making you my world.

My gut tells me to love you but i want some respect.

The things is tonight you make me cry. And i get measley texts from you. I want more than that.  The thing is you have a profile up still. Is it me you even want?

Reveling in the Normal

It was a typical day at work and there was the odd occasional smile and touch to say hello when no one is looking. It is that crazy anticpation and excitment of thinking of your lover, knowing that he is a few meters away but that no one else knows of our secret office romance.  Its picking out his voice from a floor away as he orders his coffee and being concious of another in my surroundings. Its about wanting to be more feminine and gentle and the way he makes me feel so special.

It just makes life fun.

I feel so secure. There are no games. Today he called to see how i was and make plans for the weekend. We know we will see each other a few times a week and its just a matter of when, not if.

I love the way he holds me all night. The way he brushes my hair to the side. The way he kisses me.

Om meeting mr right

When you meet the right man, its easy to realise why it never worked out with another.....

He's wonderful

I so feel a part of his life in every way that matters. The other night, we were ever so normal. Supermarkets, home cooked dinners, your gorgeous dog, discussions on property prices and the way our minds work, culture and beauty and the nature of human emotion.

We held each other all night. You kissed my forehead and you looked into my eyes. We just fit, we just work.

I told my sister about him today. I'm taking him to dinner with my cousins. I'm meeting his family at xmas. I feel secure and content.

Its like i'm at the right emotional state, i've learnt my life lessons and know how to make a relationship work.  I value holding of hands, being called pretty and being introduced to all thats important in his life over two hat restaurants, diamonds at Tiffany's, being swept off your feet, flowers and grand gentures as they come.

I'm with the one

Ups and downs , it all does not matter. This is a time to believe in my heart and my gut.

He is genuine, he is kind, he is everything i want in a man.

Gone are the days of two hat restaurants, flowers on whim and being whisked off my feet temporarily and those amazing highs lead by the worst lows ever.

Hello to a man that opens doors, calls me baby, holds my hand and introduces me to his best friends and family and wants to hold me tight through the night.

I have a man and i trust him and i just need to open up with him.

Getting back to the top of my world

So i had a bit of a downer but today i look back in perspective. The fact that my old company wants me back and i'm considering naming my price. The fact that the ogre is coming unstuck and the fact that my reputation precedes me is working well. Then there is that man in my life i am taking it slow with. I have been the one thats been pushing him away when he has been doting on me hand and foot.

Sometimes i think i just need to let go of the past relationships that did not work and embrace the new man in my life for he is amazing.

Then there is a man that could just work culturally

One that i know loves me completely. One that has seen me at my worst. One that cares about me. One that understands me. One that shares the same values as me.

I can fall alseep in his arms knowing that there will never be anyone else. One where his mom and sister would just fit in. One where he would fit right in with my parents.

Am i kidding myself with this white boy who keeps his profile up?  Is it just cultural thing? the belief and the committmen that you will make a relationship work forever with the best of your ability. And that underlyng belief that not making it work is not an option.

Is this goodbye to something i thought was good in my life?

I'm a little bit lost tonight

My eyes are filled with tears and i'm all over the place.

Am i sad because i can't handle the politics at work, am i sadi because once i was tough but now i want to be more female because i think thats the real me? Is it because i got screamed at by someone wanting to know when i would get something done when i had been excluded all along. Is it becaue i have fallen in love with a man that has an online dating profile that he is updating all the time. Is it because my gut tells me he still loves me when reality states that he probably doesn't.

I'm crying tonight. I hate some people i work with. I wish my boyfriend had a sense of loyalty.

Do i have my rose coloured glasses on to think it is all lovely?

Is it just time to move on?

I'm still crying for i am lost.

Today i came home and cried

Its another friday night. Its a time when things are not going so well.

So much politics at work. I lost the rose coloured glasses many years ago but then i joined a company that held it's head high in integrity and respect. Now thats changing. I am still moving somewhere but sometimes i wonder at what price.

I like being feminine. I don't want to hard just to succeed.

Office politics and these games we play. I'm just a little bit over it. Is success worth it. Do i crave something more representing the greater good? Is it time to move on?

It feels so good and perfect but...

So he dotes on me, calls me all the time and treats me like a princess. I feel secure, i feel good. Or am i just kidding myself?

So he still has a profile online. He is even updating it, making himself more marketable. Is he really ready to settle down? Is he as crazy about me as he claims? Is this why he is not sleeping with me?

I have this feeling in my heart and gut that this is nothing but a browsing exercise, perhaps one of self validation. That he is scared i will leave him for i am that dream girl he had on a pedestal all along.

The thing is i am hurt by it. Its a trust issue. No man is perfect. But...

On having the man of my dreams

So it feels real. Really real.

We are talking about the details which make up a relationship, about our past and letting each other into the circle of our own lives. I have met your best of friedns and you have met mine. You have a open invitation to my life and i have that for yours.

I know what your upto and i love you for it. I share the same with you.

I can see myself growing old with you. I love your intellect, yout fitness and how gorgeous you look.

Everything is just falling into place. We will be amazing together.

I love you.

The anticipation of not having him

So it was me that asked to take it slow. And now i crave for him to make a move.

But really he is treating me so well. Getting to know me. Hanging out. Letting me see who he really is.

I'm also a little nervous around him. For some reason not entirely myself.  Somethings seem a little childish around him.

In time he will be delicious. I am definitely falling for him.

I'm acting like myself

Today i was a little sad and a little unsure. I just messaged him and he lay my claims to rest. Not in the perfect way but in a way that works.

Sometimes its good to let yourself be vulnerable. To take a risk and follow your gut and ask the right questions and let your emotions flow through.

It looks like he needs some time in his man cave. Think the best of it all. He will  be in touch when he is ready.

Its another friday night at home

Its been a tough week. Work is going along well mostly but this week has been particularly difficult and stressful. Forging my way through the coorporate world. Climbing ladders i should not of reached for some time yet.

I'm thirty. My friends are drying up. Those nights of drinking and shananigans are reserved for wives, girlfiriends, fiancee's, opera shows and plain olf falling asleep after a long hard week.

I have a man. Sort of. But he has entered some cave.

I'm at home with my beautiful view and my beautiful couch. Life really is beautiful. I should relish these moments for they will not last forever.

I have met the man of my dreams. And we are catching up on sunday.

He is amazing

I am in love.

This time its real with a man that dotes on me. With a man thats known me through my worst and best. Through a man who has seen my bad hair days and the best.

To a man that opens his heart, shares his feelings and takes risks. Lets me into his life and calls me pretty and beautiful.

To a man who's intellect amazes me and i can't wait to have that next conversation because he enriches me.

I think we are a forever.

He has been in front of me all along and i never realised.

Just a little moment

So i am incredibly happy with you. Sometimes i do think of the cultural differences of you being an anglo saxon male and myself as an abcd desi finding her way in the world.

You said you and your best friend will always have your inside jokes and secrets.

I guess the fundamentals of growing up sri lankan was that you and your man were a unit and no one else would ever intrude.

It is a tiny little thing. Perhaps it does not matter.

The real deal

He's been there all along and i only decided to notice a few weeks ago.

Today he took me for al ong drive and had lunch with his best friends. He held my hand, he was nothing but a gentleman and he kissed me without a second thought.

His friends embraced me with open arms and i felt right at home.

Playing the game

Work wise i have been somewhat stressed, feeling like i am losing. Even just last night.

But catching up with an old flame that a great platonic friend today and that long walk down st kilda rd helped clear things up.

Sometimes you just got to play the game and that is what i am good at. Add some integrity to the equation and i really can't be undone.

I think it is about imitating the ones that have made it. Their cool calm collected nature of never reacting, always seeking the answers.

It is also believing that people will unravel themselves through she

Sometimes you need to let him chase you

Instill a little fear to let that primal urge come up. But treat him with utmost respect and let him catch you at the same time.

He is so easy to talk to.

At times he disapears but he seems to come out of it at the same time.

Is he angry at me? Perhaps a little. But then he likes me too.

Falling for a colleague can be complicated but it can make things work at the same time.

I haven't been sleeping

Lately works been all over the place. We are breaking the boundaries and jumping up and down in leaps and bounds. We have reached for the stars and are clambouring on. Not quite there but not quite back on the ground either.

And the uncertainty and the emotion is tough. There are frustrations and allegations working against us on a journey to achieve the same thing.

And its tough. I feel stressed and out of control. I'm not sure what to do at times.

All the things i love about him

I love that he is kind and polite to everyone, including myself
I love the way his eyes light up as he see's me
I love that he always has a genuine compliment for me
I love that we lock eyes and he has that special, ever so sweet smile reserved for me when he knows no one is looking
I love that he has a little bit of that reformed bad boy in him
I love that he treats me like a princess
I love that he is every bit a gentleman
I love that he wears his heart on his sleeve
I love how we can have such deep conversations
I love his shoulders and cuddling upto him in his arms
I love of how he talks about our future together

Moments of bliss with the real thing

Its been a whirlwind few days or even weeks.

There was that wild halloween party where we spent hours at a close friends getting ready, talking shit and making the world spin and following on, with only a party that would forever be remembered and etched in our minds.

Then there was that birthday dinner at a low key restaurant with my good friends and a few quiet drinks and nibbles while overlooking the world at my place, debating the fundamental nature of the 24th chromosone and its implications of the differences between men and women in the dating scene.

Its laughs all along the way with that warm fuzzy feeling.

Then there is that man that has caught my eye that talks of marriage and children and falling in love. We go for runs and dream up solutions to the world and all its peculiarities. He meets me intellectually and he meets me emotionally and i crave his touch.

Turning thirty has been the best thing. All is falling into place.