A place called home

Its not about returning home. Its about feeling it.

There is a difference and its only now, three months into my new life in my old home, that home feels like home.

The man who captured my heart has lost it just as quickly. Someone i had so much faith in let me down and my intuition was mistaken. The man whom i had such faith in turned into just another, or even worse. Someone so dishonest and unreliable, he was not even worth my thoughts. And in one moment i stopped yearning for him and saw him for who he really was.

True beauty shines through and he lacked thereof.

And life is comming along. I find myself waking up in the morning with a smile, bouncing my way through life, serene, calm, full of life and living life, not simply waiting by wondering whats wrong.

I love my job, i love my family, i love my friends and i love my home. I am open to love and couldn't be better.

One of those moments, those feelings of being me that i just want to capture and treasure forever.

I still miss you

Dear M,

My life is going exceptionally well. It seems i have it all together, an abundance of friends, the phone continuously ringing, supportive parents, have found a new place to live, settling in well to my new job and i've even bought an investment property. 

So why is it that i have spent my whole day thinking of you and missing you?

I can still feel your arms around me as you held me in your arms, i can still feel your gaze upon me.

The hardest thing is not knowing why. What we had was so special that i can't believe you would drop it by the way side for no good reason. I believe in you and have too much faith in you to think that you were simply being a prick of a guy. In fact if i thought that of you it would make things easier.

U and I are meant to be together and i'm angry at you for dropping what we have. I'm sure each of us will find love and fullfillment, but you know we had one of those magical, once in a lifetime chances.  I don't feel that we are fnished with each other yet - for the moment we are -- but someday, some place, some lifetime, our past will bring us together for another chance. 

Perhaps i will come looking for you in Palolem, not to reconcile and not for another go at a fairytale romance, just to see what happens and perhaps a friendship. That is if my intuition is guiding me right into thinking you are not a bad person, just someone thats under stress and perhaps confused and have lost their way. 

In the meantime its time for me to move on regardless of how hard it is to forget you. Its lie life teachs you many lessons, that love doesn't last forever.

I know we met for but a few days but i have known you for lifetimes. I will know you for lifetimes to come as well. 

For now its another goodbye and as a new day comes forth i will once again try to move on and live my life with a smile.

When looking for something, it seems just out of reach

I'm home. 

This is the moment i've been waiting for really all these years. To some home and be ready to travel.  Well i'm here, so what now?

So home hasn't become that magical place where all the answers are. Yes that sense of familiarity and being with family is nice. Friends - well it seems Melbourne has forgotten me.

Sometimes i get scared to go to the same city twice. Especially a city which has beautiful memories. As time goes by, people change, places change, lives change and sometimes are great expectations only make way for a downward fall.

I'm back at my childhood home. I haven't sorted out a home as of yet. There is much work to be done.

And the friends i have. Well times are changing, everytime you travel away you come back a different person. More enlightened, more aware of yourself, little changes the result of experiences you've not shared with those that remained. So as the world around continued to live out its everyday existence, i went and changed and now i no longer fit into that crook which once belonged to me. 

Home can be and soon will be a magical place once more. You just need to work at it, rebuild your life as you would in any other new city, except this time it all seems a little more familiar with a little more distractions.

After a crazy hectic time in Sydney and a solid few years of partying and living the crazy life, I'm ready to take it a little more easy. Perhaps i am growing up. I don't crave to be out hitting the bars in the hopes of meeting the man of my dreams, i don't want to dance until daylight breaks, and if i'm to be alone, then so be it. The midnight kebabs have lost their lustre and i may have a fresh salad for dinner these days. I'm looking forward to hitting the gym and being the best i can be.

It seems the more times i've left and returned home, the more i feel like a stranger.  

Is it just that the girl who left isn't the one that has returned?

Random ramblings you'll never hear about

Hi M,

I know i cannot speak to you now that you have disapeared out of my life but sometimes its nice to write a letter. Even if its one you will never read.

So my time in Sydney is coming to an end and i think i am doing alright. Packing up your life, saying goodbye to a city is always difficult, but this time not so bad. I've done it so many times before i think i am getting good at it.

And this time i am packing up my life to return home for good. The concept of home has long awaided me, that is until now. I've travelled in search of greener pastures only to discover that home is where my sanctuary lies. So while i'm sad to leave this city that has become an adopted home, i'm also looking forward to going back to the familiar, seeing my family and friends, never getting lost and knowing where the secret carspots are. The little things...

Emotionally i am doing ok too. I only think of you sometimes these days. Did you know that there's even been another man in my life? He was a lovely man who doted on me and we had a wonderful time together over christmas and new years during the holidays. I even met his brother and sister and daughter. Yes thats right he had a daughter, and while that brought on complications, it also made him all the more endearing. It was lovely to see a man take on so much responsibility, looking after his daughter half the time, putting her needs first.

Its all in the past though. Once the holidays ended life got busy and reality came knocking at both our doors. Sometimes we all get so busy, live in different cities, go on business trips to other countries that we can't savour the importance of those who should be close to us. We don't appreciate the comfort the company of another human being brings. So it fizzled out but really, it was never fireworks. Just a nice relationship. It ended weeks ago really.

So what have i been upto the past few weeks? Well i've been roaming around Sydney. Its a beautiful city you see. A walk to Bondi and catching the waves along the shore, sitting up on a rocky shore staring at the ocean, having an open steak sandwich or a big breakfast brunch at one of the cafes, an occasional rant in my journal whilst listening to tunes on my ipod. Thats life really.

And sometimes i find a quiet spot, I'm a loner in a lot of ways. And i look far out into the ocean and i imagine you by the ocean on another shore. Its a comforting thought, just the water and the waves seperating us, albeit a million miles away.

Other days i go down to Glebe. I've found a pocket of Sydney which i've really come to love. There's a fair trade cafe there, one of those places that try to save the world one coffee bean at a time by purchasing from farmers who aren't getting ripped off by big organisations. Its got lots of counches and stools and exotic cushions and is the perfect place to read a book or people watch.

At times i shop, i am a girl after all. Other days i go a bit more down the tourist trail, sipping coffee by the opera house, sititng under the harbour bridge, wandering around the sunday market at the rocks where captain cook first arrived. Sydney's a lovely city really.

So there you have it. While i still think of you, i still wonder what it would have been like if you had of kept your word, i'm still living my life, I'm still enjoying it. You may have broken my heart and my trust but life goes on.

Well i better get back to packing my life away. Its time to start a new life, say my goodbyes and ce la vie. Life is busy busy so i must go.

I hope your well and happy

Accepting that Fairytales don't always come true

So i've spent the last few years chasing fairytales. At times for just a moment i have lived in them, capturing moments of bliss and warmth, living out my own fairytale where my knight in shining armour holds me ever so gently in his arms.

But reality has always come knocking on my door. Until now my attitude has been that it is better to have loved, than not. That the pain is worth the pleasure.

Many broken hearts later i wonder if i am getting to a turning point in my life. Having had my heart broken so many times, having my trust assualted so many times, am i loosing a certain sense of innocence?

Is that beautiful, naive, optimistic, idealistic girl is growing into a sensible mature young women, too scared to put her heart out to the world anymore. Too protective of a heart thats been trampled one too many times.

Its a sad day that dawns when that innocense is lost.

It seems we get to a stage in life where we must let go of our fairytales and look towards stability and all that is nice. An everyday relationship.

Is that so bad?

How can one break your heart so without even a thought

And once upon a time i met a man, on Palolem beach in Goa at a beach cafe called Dropidees. It was a magical time and in one moment he captured my heart and the next he broke it to pieces.

If only people knew how much hurt and pain they caused when they break your heart.

Getting your heart broken is always hard

They say that a guy that makes you cry just isn't worth your tears, yet they keep flowing.

Why do i keep doing this to myself i ask. I went into it knowing very well how difficult love can be when one does not have a home and the miles start adding up. When a three year relationship with a guy i loved with such intensity couldn't last the test of distance, what was it that made me think a 5 day holiday romance could?

Love is irrational and its so easy to get carried away by the moment. I've always thought that its better to have loved and lived, that to live your life afraid of what could be. But now i am beginning to feel that i owe it to myself to have some sort of self-protection. That i need to stop living life in incredible highs and horrible lows.

So one sunny day while sipping papaya juice and watching the ocean in Beautiful Goa i meet a man whose eyes convey the deepest of yearnings for me. With his emails and phone calls he woos me back and i find myself traversing through Asia and flying back into his arms for a fabulous five days of bliss before real-life beckons.

We make plans for the future, to spent new years together, to have adventures together, everything seems so amazing. That is until life comes knocking at our doors and his world spins with fashion shows, london galleries and internations business endeavours. I too am no better flying around australia, contemplating new careers, going out with friends new and old and entertaining the idea of possible dates.

Yet i still have a soft spot for him. I even call him. I haven't heard from him in over a week. He makes me sad and he makes me cry. I always figure if you really wanted to get in touch with someone no matter where you are in the world, you can if you really want to. So really, its time for me to let go even though its so hard and even though i crave him touch and the way he looks at me.

Once again its time to say goodbye. As one door closes another one opens.......

And another one bites the dust

So here i am in that familiar situation again, packing up my life into various suitcases, about to leave another life, about to start another life.

And again this time i am ready to leave. Having exhausted my friends, having not made many and having seen the very few friends i have made leave my life. The thing about travelling is that you tend to meet other travellers. Everyone always leaves for home. Yet i travel from place to place to place that even home lacks the familiarity.

So its been a tough few months but its been an experience where i feel i have matured, yet i think some experiences are better left alone so that you can do the learning at your own pace. Yes i am setting myself up for becomming a global manager, yes these experiences are pulling in notches on my belt as i become a corporate globetrotter, yet i have this immense feeling - Is this what i want?

Write now i am lonely, i have no close friends. Sometimes life is peachy and exciting, sometimes its one huge low. Maybe sometimes i want to be content.

Yet it hasn't all been bad, i just happen to be in one of those moods.

My weekends in Bombay, wandering through colaba, the markets, the bazaars, the exclusive sushi bars, casually getting into a can to stroll through malabar hill, to wander through a museam and enjoy a fresh lime soda. Those visits have been magical from learning to confidentloy get around India on my own to feeling the magic of a city which is so complex and hypocritical and beautiful in its own way.

And then there was those random business trips where i would find myself flying into Bombay and would call a friend and end up at an upmarket bar with a mohito in one hand and a papaya sushi in the other, laughing and drinking with my globe trotting successful worldly friends. Those are the moments where you pause and reflect on how lucky you are.

And that moment when i was standing at the ledge of a waterfall about to rapel down with only the rope as my life line and i fully connected with the quote on my strawberry outboud tour operators T-shirt "Adventure is when you say to yourself, ''Oh, now I've got myself into an awful mess; I wish ....."". But like all adventures its the courage it takes to make that first step down thats the hardest, and when you push yourself off its an amazing feeling of accomplishment, to repel down the waterfall, feeling the water on your skin, to see the ground approaching and gazing out over the mountainside when time starts moving slower, that makes it all worthwhile.

Another flight took me to Goa. Now what a beautiful place that is. Beach, sun and a social life. I made more friends in three days that i had in the last three months. From walking along the beach, taking a boat ride along the backwaters to sitting at the beach cafe sipping hot lemon tea and papaya juice while watching the ocean - If bliss needed to be redefined that would be the definition.

And the unexpected moments of romance and what could be. That last morning sitting at the beach cafe in palolem i meet someone that sparks my interest. Lovely palolem, the sun, the beach, the seafood, the friendliness and the potential sparks of romance are enough for me to come back there, and so on the nonsical whim i book myself a flight back over. After my trip to the Himalayas in Nepal and a short look at the gangas of Varanasi. Now its at those moments that i really feel the excitement.

So life has been a whole coktail of emotions ...

As the Novelty wears off

Now that its been a while the frustration begins to kick in. The first few weeks were great with mini sphiphanies every second. Seeing a different way of doing business, exploring another culture, meeting people, learning new things, finding my feet.

But with it comes some things that just don't seem to be sorting itself out. I feel like i come from a clock work society and at times its a shock to the system when some things just don't get done.

The culture and fitting in, questions as to how much i should be me and how much i should adapt. The differences between men and women and the way they interact. Being here it really makes me realise the assumptions i make in my daily life as they no longer hold up.

Today its another day at the office and the details of my project and why i am here are still unclear. At first i thought they had it under control, they always had something for me to do. Study this, learn this, go on a customer visit and it was great and they were friendly and encouraging. I am beginning to think that its all somewhat of a distraction because there is no project. Either that or they don't want me to work on it.

My attempts to ask for something and draw up a plan once again got a wait. Sometimes with the Indians it seems that you just need to be patient and they will sort it ou. Yet some things seem to just drag on and on.

So why am i here away from the comforts of home?

Mumbai (Bombay) - A never ending city

Mumbai (or Bombay if you prefer) is a large city. By large i mean so large the meaning of "large takes on a new meaning.

Take the CBD of melbourne, create about 50 replicas, age them by about 100 years, add some random bridges to connect the replicas, fill with ocean, Add 4-5 beautiful modern building in unexpected places and fill every other place with people and slums. Then you have Bombay!
This is a bustling city which never ends and makes Sydney's traffic problems a dream come through.

Flying in it was a never ending plethora of buildings and slums - walking around the whole concept of privacy and personal space disapears. Yet there's beauty in the simplicity of life, in the friendliness of people in helping one another.

Having been in India for about a month now i think i am almost used to it. Its lovely and frustrating and rich and poor and luxurious and poverty stricken all at the same time. Completely in your face with ups and downs.

At times i love it, the experience of being here, figuring out how to get around and get things done, the work, my project, the opportunities this will bring in the future, being paid to travel.

Other times i just feel like crying, being away from creature comforts, every experience turning into a challenge at the best of times, the endless waiting which seems to be an integral part of life here, the fact that most things work some of the time and that its ok like that.

A process of self discovery

The last few months have really been a process of self discovery for myself. Trying to wade through the tangle that is my life to figure out exactly what i want.

And even today i was so confused, a web of uncertainty with so many choices. And the past few months, work wise trying something new, relationship wise trying to figure out what i want, what i'm doing right, what i'm doing wrong. Family wise, realising i need to forgive and forget and be happy for the amazing support and love i get from my family. In terms of friends, figuring out who will and won't stand by you, realising that despite having so many friends ultimately the only ones who will stand by me through thick and thin are my family, and that i need to start putting them first.

I have realised one thing though, tonight has been a night of revelations. The times where i have been happiest at work i have known where i am going. And lately i haven't. I took some advice i maybe should not have. Be open, my manager said, but for me her strategy is really a drifters one.

I had a training session two weeks ago where they gave me a piece of paper and relaxing music and said think for a few minutes and write down your vision for work life. Mine was blank, i had no idea what i want.

And tonight, and over the past few months i think what i need is a map in my mind and a vision of where i want to be. Looking around job sites there was a random array of things that seemed ok but nothing that really struck a passion cord.

And today i saw something, an area that i have always had a passion for and a position advertised that had my name all over it. And the feelings i have inside make me think thats where i need to go, weather with my company now or with someone else.

Despite studying engineering my real passion is for analysis and marketing. Its what i have found interesting in the positions i have held and i think my strengths lie in analysis. The career path leads up to senior management which is where i want to go.

I will go to india with work, but after that, once rotations are over i will look at all options. If i get what i want from this company for the right salary where i feel appreciated i will stay, but at the same time i will take the best offer that is best for me, not in the interest of a large corporation.

It feels good though, its like my mind has been in chaos for a while and a chord has struck and what i want is a lot clearer in some aspects.

Another life to be left

So its almost the end of May and how my life has changed.

To think since my last post there have been so many men, empty sex. There's been three of them in my life since - each that i have been excitede about for a brief moment

And today i met an old flame out of the blue.

And know what i realised - travel does not lead the way to a stable relationship. Maybe this is why my life has been so empty - i am always ready to run away.

So i am off to india for four months -- lets see what life will unfold this time

When friends let you down

And so someone i knew for 8 years made a move on me. Completely unexpected, he kissed me.

And it was a pleasent surprise and with 8 years of friendship behind us i trusted him. I let him in, not just ohysically on the surface but emotionally as well. Because he was my friend, i could trust him, he wouldnt hurt me.

And how wrong i was and a friend can hurt you more than some random stranger, more than even an enemy.

My life is crazy --> work, sex, men, alcohol, dancing , tears

Lots and lots of tears

Oh to be driven again

Its Christmas Day and i am all alone in a big house. My new place really in a nice trendy neighbourhood. I thought this was what i wanted.

Its only now i realise i don't really have anyone. I have family but i dont appreciate them enough. Right now i should be home with them. Not here on my own.

Friends --> i don't have many to call real.

My life is not so busy anymore and i need it to be busy. Thats when i am at my happiest, when i am driven, busy, determined to succeed

Right now i am lonely and sad. I just want a friend and a hug. To feel the excitement of being alive. I dont know whats wrong with me, i've spent the last six nights going out and drinking with different friends. i should enjoy quiet time on my own.

I guess being alone of christmas is pretty sad

I used to know what i wanted

Last year when i graduated, or even the years before i was sure i was different to everyone else. I knew myself and i knew what i wanted out of life and what i wanted to become. I thought i've been working all this time, nothing will change now.

Yet little did i realise in less that a year my whole viewpoint has changed. Maybe i thought i was more mature than i actually am, maybe i am actually less mature and am only now realising what others realised long ago.

So my new life and this is what i see
* I dont have all the answers and sometimes being stubborn i ignored reality even when it was right in front of me
* Doing the honourable thing doesn't always pay
* Money does matter ( to a certain extent at least)
* I don't want to be an engineer and am more commercially orientated
* You can never really take a break and stop from life --> even if you were successful to continue to be so you need to keep pushing and trying
* Its getting harder to motivate myself
* Everyone needs a place to call home
* Friends are one of the most beautiful and important things in life
* Family is also --> Will always be by your side no matter what
* Right now if someone can't make you number one in their life then they are not the right man for you and by holding on you will eventually get hurt and letting yourself become the victim.

Well right now my mind is in a whole new career mindset. I like engineering to a certain extent but its the sales. strategy, marketing, business development side that really takes my interest. Right now i am doing a online course on marketing just out of interest because i can't wait until i sort out the masters/MBA issue.

Now thats another issue in itself
--> Do i study for the GMAT and try and find the time/money to do one at a wolrdclass university

or --> Do i just enrol in an online course which will take me now and just get on with learning something

or--> Do i drop the MBA idea altogether and just buy the books and do the study and dont worry about the actual qualification as the skills will carry me thru. But then you probably need the formal qualification to move forward through an organisation, to open doors.

So once again lots to think about as this year draws to a close. I am 25 and i guess i have time on my hands to make this decision. I just feel like i am standing still at times and feel i should do something. Would having patience be virtue in this case or stop my progress?

Moving on

One of the hardest things to do, not giving into temptation, realising that the pain is worse that the pleasure.

So i say goodbye to the man with a wife and kids, and welcome to a life full of fun, adventure, romance, friendships and honesty.

Honesty is one of the most important qualities a person must possess to really be great and respected. Without it one is nothing.

A friend has come through for me in such an amazing way. To have someone say to you " call me whenever you need to, even if i am at work, i will be there" , and its a promise which rings so true. Thats the mark of a great friendship and one i am truly greatful for having.

Life is about having beautiful friends who surround you, and S and J , you are two amazing people in my life that i love so much and couldn't live without and i know i can depend on you for a shoulder to lean on whenever i need, and i will do the same for you in a second.

Big Items to Purchase

And today i bought a brand new car. It was one of the most simplest things i have ever done really, although a lot of money will be spent over the next few years.

This is a sign of growing up, that i've sort of made, that life is easy. I'm 25 and its my car and i did it myself. Its scary in a way too that i'm getting older, life gets easier and harder at the same time.

Its funny, having it all doesnt make me so happy, i'm not as excited, i didn't even think about it that much really. Its like life goes on.

Maybe i am just burnt out, i haven't had a break since february and life has been full on. Maybe i just need a rest.

I can't even find a song i like

So i bought a new car --> why am i not happy?

On Falling in Love with a married man

At the end of the day, deep down i realise it will never work. If i had of known at the start that he was married i never would have gone into it. Yet he didn't tell me and i fell head over heels. Sometimes i convince myself i haven't, but i think the truth is i have and sometimes i let my busy life cloud this fact and deceive myself.

Its times like these when i realise why this is not a good idea and i should just let it go. That it will get harder and harder as time goes on. I feel down right now, right at this moment --> yet i have no way of contacting him. I can come online and get more and more depressed, thats about it.

I said to myself, when this gets painful i stop. I think this is the time. Its tempting, its hard, i'm not even sure how to stop, but right now, at this moment i recognise that it is making me down and unhappy and unsure and sad.

Now to act out my words

Big city life!

So there is a difference between Melbourne and Brisbane, or is it all in my mind, or the fact that this is where i grew up....

The relaxed yet still moderately busy, challenging in a good way, interesting and adventurous lifestyle is gone. After 3.5 months i am back in the Melbourne 'mush' and life sure has sped up and i feel like i am living 30 hours in everyday. And coming back to this, I'm finding it difficult to fit my life in as it used to be, like those gym sessions i should be going to.

So I'm contemplating MBA schools and investing in an apartment or buying my own place, rethinking where i want to go with my career and wondering what in the world i will do about my love life. Its not like i am havng fun as well and its all work work work, no not at all......

Monday night i was out on the town, tuesday i lazed around taking advantage of the public holiday, thursday night i went out for dinner and some bottles of red. Friday was a quiet one, mainly because there is something wrong with my phone, saturday morning was running around an info session at the melbourne business school and then a hens night which got too queit so went out hitting some bars.

And then we get to today, random wander around the city marvelling at its beauty and how lucky i am to be able to call it home. Watching a band at the greek festival in fed square before heading over to see a some beautiful pictures at the Earth from above Photography exhibition on the Yarra riverside to the side of Federation square.

I managed to make some ammends with an old highschool friend who i might catch up with later this week and have plans to meet up for dinner with another really good friend for wednesday night. Despite being out almost every night i still haven't seen everyone thats in some way an important part of my life. I guess i am licky in some ways like that too......to have so many friends --> but sometimes i have to wonder how genuine they are.

Also managed to have a great chat with another friend from canada who i met in Brisbane who has been in the middle of nowhere doing site work for the last three weeks. Had a good chat about being the only female on site and the implications that has on your sex life.

Who would think in the middle of all this that i actually work full time heh.maybe what this blog entry is relaly telling me is to slow down, relax, and not do so much!

Another new start

Starting a new job is really difficult.

I do it so often rotating around the company you would think i would get used to it. But you go in meeting new people and no one knows who you are. And you start all over again, you suddently go from being great at what you do to knowing almost nothing.

You have no track record and you need to build up a reputation once again. Sometimes this period is depressing because in your mind you are like i had something great and i wanted more from life so i left what was great in search of something greater.

Sometimes that something greater brings pain and sadness. All the changes, the unfamiliarity, the instability. I'm a successful strong beautiful fit intelligent adventurous women with the whole world in front of me, and yet all i really want is a man to give me a hug and hold me in his arms and make me feel special. I crave it, crave it soo bad it hurts.

So is all this worth it. I'm tired, tired of reaching for so much. Am i burning myself? Is this what this feeling is? Its not like i work long hours and weekends are saved just for adventures and partying. So how could i be burning out?

I guess for now i will go along with it. Cos really my life is geat, even amazing. I just don't know why i feel so down sometimes.

Thats all

And i miss him

Falling in Love

Until about three weeks ago i thought the days of falling madly, passionaltely crazy in love were over. That those feelings were about a first love when you were younger and didn't really know yourself. When you hadn't been hurt before so you didn't realise the risk you took in hurling yourself head first into love. The days when you hadn't discovered who you were, so it was easy to make yourself fit with someone else.

I Thought as you grow older its about compromising, working at it and being with someone you like, but the magic is of another kind.

Until i met one man, the perfect man for me really. And one super brilliant amazing week where there were no games, just two people madly in love who wanted to spend their time together. Intellectually, physically , emotionally , it just worked.

But now he lives on the other side of the world and i have memories of one fabulous week. And then i find he has a wife and kids.

So what does that mean?, everything i felt was based on a lie. But then was it all a lie?, He is thinking of leaving his family so does that mean his feelings were really. That we accidently fell for each other?

I still feel the strength of emotion, i still think a lot of him..........so do i say goodbye to the one guy that brought magic back into my life or do i jump right in and see where life takes me?

Another year gone.

So its been a year and I've lost and found this blog again. It really interesting reading something which i wrote a year ago. It almost feels like a whole lifetime has past in between!

Looking back i've become more humble and modest and have realised i don't always have all the answers. Its not really a loss of confidence because that's still there and going strong, just an understanding of my presense in the world. Realising that while i may be the centre of my world, its not neccessarily the centre of other peoples.

I've acheived a lot, i've matured a lot, i've gone from strength to strength but i have also failed and survived. Things that were missing in my life before i've been working on, so to sum it all up i would say i am moving backwards.

I lead an exciting life with a successful career, lots of travel, weekend adventures, great friends, great career, great relationship with family .......in no real particular order.

I'll try to keep this up to date, random ramblings and thoughts as i elaborate on my life.

Random Ramblings

I won't even begin on the number of blogs i've started and lost to the internet by forgetting my password.

But here we go again........hopefully this one will last.

I'm meant to be doing an assignment, but you know what, i have about one month left of uni untill i graduate, just a bit over it, its been a good ride tho, lots of hard work but i think i'm at a stage where i feel as if i have the skills to do anything, regardless of weather or not i've studied it.

Its a security of another sort really, the confidence in yourself that you can do a good job, I feel ok taking risks, don't really feel the need to stick to something safe and dependable anymore, i want to have fun, i won't to live on the edge a bit, ...........hopefully it all works out, and if it doesn't.pffft.......something will figure something out and it will all be ok

So its taken almost six years, somethings have changed, somethings haven't, i know lots of stuff about random bits and pieces, and then sometimes i learn something new which really illustrates the point that i know nothing at all, sometimes i am happy, sometimes i am sad but seem to pop out of it, i am fit, i go to the gym lots, i love pushing myself tho sometimes i get lazy and have to drag myself kicking and screaming to the gym, friends are ok, not as great as it all used to be, i seem to know lots of people sorta, whearas ages ago, seems like a lifetime ago now, i knew one person really really well, i miss that

As for boys there hasnt been anyone new, lots of little crushes that are amounting to nothing, got out of a long term relationship about 2 years ago, little bits and pieces since then but nothing to call a relationship, sometimes getting my hopes up a lot and then getting hurt, but you know what , that feelings when your crushing on someone....is worth the hurt! ...............and i guess i still hope the right guy will come along into my life

When i have more time i will get things on track, social life, boys, but for now i think its just flowing along. I have a crush on my lecturer, silly really, he's got everything i look for in a ideal guy, smarth, athletic, confident, has faith in me. ..................but i am hopeless when it comes to letting guys know i like them, and with the added complication of him being my lecturer , probably no chance.............

and i will just float along with life you know, because i can