I want my stuff back

We are over but you still have my stuff. I want it back.

Before it was a potential contact point. To have my stuff with you. Now i want nothing to do with you, but i love some of the things i used to own. I even tried replacing it but somethings are not that easy to replace.

I need to find a way to get it back. Without any involvement from myself.

I don't want you anymore. Just my belt. You've lost your stronghold on me. I have a new crush. He does not know it yet but i feel that he would feel ecstatic to think of me as his partner in crime for life.

I'm in love from a distance

There is a man at work that has been there for a while. I never noticed him however. He is there none the less.

P, i wonder if i have a chance with you. We have so much in common, sharing the same birth country and possibly a whole lot of values. We have been supportive of each other. We are both moving onto bigger and better things.

I just need to suss this out now that i have realized i have a crush on you! Perhaps you have felt something for me all along?

Are you the one at work? Are you the man?

You have been right in front of me, and its only now that i notice.

A List to the rescue in a moment of clouded judgement

Sometimes there is nothing better than a pro's and con's list to bring to perspective a so called fairytale you may have in your head.

I made one for G and It gives you perspective. The pro's are appended with "once" which really goes to sure that what i fell for was more in my mind, replaying moments that may or may not have been real. Then the cons list starts adding up and i start thinking about why i even want to go there.

What i felt at first was just another infatuation. He's just another in my past. Just as M and David and Andre are the men in the past, G is too.

I've been thinking of R lately. Sometimes i think we are perfect for each other. If only this was not a muddle of friendships and lovers. 

I loved that gave every moment all i had

For the first time in my life i met a man i was sure i loved and let him go without even trying. I remained passive in the sidelines.

For all the men that i wore my heart on my sleeve only for them to trod all over it, i do not regret a moment. For i did the best i could, i let go of pride and i have answers that they were simply just not into me.

With G, i never even called him. I walked away before the curtains closed. Should i go back?

Whats the worst that can happen? He will tell me he never wants to see me ever again? What do i lose? Perhaps some pride? Perhaps i will feel hurt? At least i will have closure. I definitely won't have regrets.

One day i need to get in touch with him. To say hello, to find out....

A little bit of life on the edge

It never hurt. For a few years i had not done anything crazy. Leaping out of planes, climbing the worlds peaks, traversing waterfalls.

And then last month i climbed another mountain, (or tried to), i dived to the ocean floor. I pushed myself beyong my limits and i survived I remembered this feelings that i love so much.

I have not changed. This is what i love to do.

One day i will be in touch

Dear G

I think sometimes its better to give it all you have. If you win you win. If you lose, its the next best thing. The worst is knowing you walked away from a could have been.

Right now i'm not ready to call you. In a few months time i will. Just to see how you are. To be friends. To go for that run or hike.

Perhaps one day we will be more. Perhaps one day we will be friends.

Its sad what came of us. We were fireworks that fizzled into mediocracy.

This is the year i wear red

And i will shine like the glitter that i am. I will stand out as i was destined. I will turn heads at every corner.

I am the women every man craves for. I am the elusive one that only the best of the best can capture. My heart is open to love fiercely but only for the ultimate man. One day i will find him.

To date they have all been too weak. The ultimate man is one that can take the exciting with the fierce loyalty and return it back with equal force. D did not make it. M did not make it. G did not make it.

The next one will. 

Today i feel relief

I started deleting so called "friends" on facebook and it was a feeling of liberation. Then i started wondering who would care if i simply disappeared.

I deactivated my account. Its such a time waster. My true friends know how to find me.

I wonder who will notice? I wonder who will care?

I wonder if anyone cares?

I went on an amazing holiday on my own. Did anyone care? I am not sure.

I was showing off on facebook. My fabulous life that seemed so perfect. Yet its not perfect. I just wanted to get one mans attention.

I tried to climb a mountain and i failed.

I applied for a job and i got it.

I'm stressed. I have it all but yet nothing at all.

Lost

I feel lost these days. Somethings going well. Other things not so well.

Friendships, love life, work. Sometimes i am just not sure if this is the life i want anymore. Chasing one dream after another. Making it time and time again. Is it all too much? Too much stress? Not enough fun?

Am i heading for a burn out? Why does life not feel full filling? It does not excite me anymore.

I remember a walk

Back in India, during those four months i used to crave going for walks. But the air was never fresh, it was never relaxing and the spacious luxury that we grow accustomed to all over australia was never to be.

None the less, through traffic, poverty, life and death, cows and little kids playing on the streets i walked the two k's to the department store and back. I enjoyed the air conditioning in the store as a treat. I looked at shelves of items i did not want to own as a solace. I walked back to get back home. 

Every now and then life became unbearable in those days. But i soldered on. I had to. There was no choice. I was young, i had not proven myself, life was just an opportunity somebody handed to you that you either took advantage of or lost.

These days i am someone important. I have made it. I do not live on the sidelines and i call my own shots. I feel devastation occasionally but only for a day. I have a get out quick ticket to cash in within a day.

Even though i have made it now, i still think back to those days and all the moments that made me who i am today. 

I'm traveling to Asia tomorrow but i am not excited

Has the glimmer of business travel faded away?

I am heading overseas this week. I want nothing more than to get back for friday night drinks.

I miss you but i feel its time to walk away

Not because i want to but everything is pointing like your sending me that message. Dear G, right now you are the love of my life and i love everything about you.  For some reason my days of wearing my heart on my sleeve are over so i will simply walk away. Even when i met you, i thought i had accidently given you the wrong number and thought perhaps i would never know if it were meant to be.

The thing is, perhaps it would have been easier if i had of. For you called and you painted a fairy tale so real, i started believing again. I did not let you in but i still got hurt.

I am the epitome of success

I climb mountains in my spare time. I traverse countries like they are suburbs on a train line, i wine and dine with the best of them and have the world at my feet.

I have ocean views from my bachelorette pad and friends that love and adore me. I seem to have a never-ending stream of men, flowers and romance and sure i am not married just yet but the men are still lining up. I make more money than i can spend on shoes.

I have made it in the world. In reality i am the epitome of success.

Someday we will meet again...

This is all through the eyes of Facebook but G, we have so much in common. We pick the hardest route and its all about conquering the unknown.

I don't know how it would work between us. It makes me cry to think we can't make it work when we seem so compatible. We are so similar, both so stubborn that perhaps it will be in another lifetime that we will meet again.

You will walk away. I will walk away.

Goodbye to this lifetime. Its not goodbye forever. Someday we will meet again....

Something is happening

Today i made a move. Today someone gave me an opportunity to present my ideas. Today i wowed them with my briliance.

They knew i was something. The always knew i was clever.

Today i proved them right and i made it onto the chart. This is where i need to be. This is where i want to go.

The world will go around me. I have worked hard for it. Sleepless nights. Idea formulation. Massive risk. Laughing in the potential face of ridicule and laughter and coming through on top.

I always knew i had it. Its time for me to shine once more. And i love it. The journey and the destination.

Today i pitched to the boardrooms of the world in my stilletto's.

I hate that i know your every move

The worst thing about facebook is that it makes it so hard to let go. I know your every move, i know your past, i know your friends.

I looked at those photo's and i can feel that sense of letting my heard skip a beat subside. I didn't crave to touch you.

I just need to wait this out. Soon i won't even think of you.

Tonight i'm in my element

I'm working late, coffee flowing and i'm buzzing.

I'm literally jumping with joy. I am thinking up ways to take over the world and pitching it to the board.  I love this feelings. I want to win. I feel ecstatic like i can move mountains.

I love it!

I need to stop drinking

My body just can't take it anymore. Whole days wasted away.

Unproductive. Pining for you. Living in the past. Wondering about tomorrow.

The things is right now i feel a little sick. I feel a little work.

I wish i could enjoy this moment where i am in this lovely apartment, on a lovely couch, with a lovely view.

Who could ask for more really?

I need to stop drinking

My body just can't take it anymore. Whole days wasted away.

Unproductive. Pining for you. Living in the past. Wondering about tomorrow.

The things is right now i feel a little sick. I feel a little work.

I wish i could enjoy this moment where i am in this lovely apartment, on a lovely couch, with a lovely view.

Who could ask for more really?

This year i want to feel again

This year is about savouring the moments. Its about giving it my all, ecstacy or pain who cares, as long as i love and feel deeply. I want life to be magic.

This year is about the moments that take my breath away. I move from the sidelines into the spotlight. I give it my all.

If i don't finish it, it all ok. If i don't climb my mountain, this year its ok. This year is about enjoying each moment. I don't need to get to the next step. I want to live my life, love my life and be happy.

This year is about meeting the man of my dreams, falling in love and getting married and if along the way i get hurt more than i have ever got hurt before, then thats ok too. For i have lived and you can only get hurt after experiencing some sort of joy and ecstacy.

I want to love again. Love deeply.

No more sidelines and Audrey Hepburn. Just a clunky old me that i love.

:)

You still hurt me with your silence

I wonder about you sometimes G.I wish you felt the same way i felt.  I have felt this way about many men and this time i just thought you were different.

I guess you weren't. I have tears in my eyes hoping i was special and that would call. That you are craving to hear my voice. Your not.

Each time i have moved on. I just need to do the same with you. For the first time i am shedding tears. Tears i have long held back. You will never know. You will never care. I will hurt. I will get over you. Life will go on.

I'm ready to share my life with another. This is the year.

Its what we didn't do that i regret

This time i avoided getting hurt with G. It started off as something with the potential to be magical, but in the midst of mind games and a little bit of protection of a heart that been hurt a few too many times, i forgot how to live with all of my heart. It fizzled into nothing. This time there were no tears for there was nothing to mourn over. I never gave it my all and it fizzled into something everyday and boring and then onto nothing. The fireworks in the sky didn't quite make it.

I think of all the men that have hurt me so deeply. Where i have spent many nights crying over them, only to realise my tears were not worth it for the men they turned out to be. Yet at the same time, it was with those men that i experienced those moments that took my breath away.

It was about falling asleep in his arms on a bus to Paris. It was about meeting an international man of mystery, potential fugitive and then dropping the Taj Mahal to go back and spend a week with him making love on an exotic beach, its about meeting Mr Big at the hottest cocktail bar in town and letting him woo you with sweet words and fantastic nights of passion if only for a moment, it was about waking up in the arms my belgium god, staring into his eyes and a declaration of love while on holidays up north.  It was about the moment when he looked into your eyes, asked you if you trusted him and on your confirmation, took your hand so confidently and dived into the inferno of motorbikes to cross the road in Saigon.  It was about staring into his eyes as he asked you to dance at that cinderella ball and the years of torture and joy you spent trying desperately to hold onto something that could never be.

These are the men that hurt me the most. Yet these are the moments i will remember forever, the passion, the excitement, the love, the laughter and that feeling that your on top of the world. These were the moments that took my breath away.

I'm not an Audrey Hepburn with all things perfect. I am clumsy, I am clunky, but i am fun and exciting. I dive straight into life and this is what i need to do again. Let myself love deeply, express myself and just be myself.

Its worked in the past and the only regrets i have are the moments that didn't take my breath away to avoid tears i never shed.

Remember the days when you risked the world to love with all of your heart

These days its cautious little steps.  I miss those days when i left my fears with the wind and really lived. I really hurt too but those moments when you believed all in the world was good, that the man of your dreams would never hurt you and that you could change the world with your own will was magical.

Its that adreline rush of believing you can fly and trusting the world.

I miss that. You grow older. You have adventure after adventure. But i feel like i am seeping off from people and society, succumbing to my own world more and more each day.

It was another perfect date

What better way to start the new year with a man that picks you up in his beamer, takes you to the hottest place in town, wines and dines you and then walks you to the docks to see which yacht you prefer him to whist you away in. He kisses you, he holds your hand and he does everything he can to make it a special magical night.

I'm lucky.

I seem to have this effect on men.  It takes big stakes and effort to even have a chance with me.

It was a nice night. Lets leave it at that.

Another you goes down in dust

Dear G, you are going down in the history books with the David's and the Max's of the world, but you hold no space for this time i did not even fall for you. You were a perhaps maybe, perhaps it could work and we could be perfect together but i have got too hurt and carried away in the past to let you into my world - and rightly so as you disappeared without even an explanation.

Goodbye to you Gerson, who could have been something but will never will be.

Good morning to K who may reap the rewards.

I believe in dreams

Lately i've been dreaming about a little bundle of joy. She is beautiful with the essence of pure innocence in her smile.  She seeks and craves my love and i do the same and when i hold her its magical. I believe in dreams. 

Back many moons ago i dreamt that i tried to climb a mountain and gave up without making it to the top. While i would not admit it it came true many years on. And even in the lead up i knew it would not happen, for what reason i did not know. 

I have more intuition that i give myself credit for. I knew i had the job, i knew i would not make it up that mountain, i know that G will call, i know that, that little girl is waiting in another realm to become mine. 

I just know it.

The end of another year

Here i am once again, a year on, back from holidays, sitting on this very couch, alone by myself with my invincible friends.

This time its ok. Its been one big year. Full of friendships, romance, fitness, adventure, sitting back and relaxing, girly chats, traveling the world, making it and then some and just a few little hurts. Another year i can say goodbye to with a smile and another year i can look forward to welcoming.

A few months ago i met a man and for some reason once again i thought he was the one. He turned out to be another frog turned into a prince for but a short time. Another David, another M in disguise. I almost fell for him but this time i didn't. I liked him from afar, to afraid by the hurt from the past to give my heart away to a man that did not deserve it. It takes time to get over somebody, especially when it just fizzles out without any closure. Its sad but its time to say goodbye to all that it was.

What will the next year bring? Who knows?

I've been away for a month and sometimes life and the moments that took my breath away need some reflection. Living in someone else's world, borrowing their habits, their food, their mannerisms and what makes them laugh and cry is all that one needs to grow. Stolen moments of another's life to grow within myself.

So what have i learnt? That sometimes its nice to be with another. That sometimes a man, a partner or a best friend isn't meant to be text book perfection, that the unlikeliest of people can make the best of friends. Sometimes having a good heart can mean more than anything else.  Sometimes you know a good man when you meet one and it can take your breath away when you realise. He may not make any of your cuts, you may not even realise it at first. Sometimes for a moment in time i wonder if thats what happiness is about. To be with a man like him. The one thats so simple, so fit and adventurous, isn't interested in taking over the world, has that crooked smile and poor grammar but such goodness in his heart it takes your breath away.

A little bit of local culture

Tonight i went to the Tokyo end of year function. Everyone spoke Japanese except for the occasional conversation with myself.

Truth be told i felt completely comfortable in this presence. It was an experience in itself to see life beyond the realms of your own reality. That this high tech world exists where you can barely speak a word, where you are a dag and you mannerisms are anything but the usual impeccable.

Its great to immerse yourself in anothers culture for just a moment though. I love Tokyo even more.

A moment of reflection

I would never admit this to anyone in my real life but i have got the internet radio set to love song dedications back in Melbourne. Its a little bit of home in Tokyo.

Its a reflective moment. My career is working out as always and while i work away, i think of him and the many men of yesterday and the future. The world at my footstep, where do i turn? where do i look?

I check out his photo's, hoping i will see some truth or that i will realise i am no longer into him. There are others so he is not the only one. Part of me is even questioning how i feel. I think perhaps i like him, but perhaps not. That soul mate feeling where we were just meant to be is long gone.

But i also think that perhaps we have left it too long. The moment really is gone and its time to move on. And that new man. I have not made a move and neither has he. What am i waiting for?

Perhaps it's time.

Sitting on a ledge on the 25th floor of the intercontinental in Tokyo

Many many years ago when i was still growing up i watched lost in translation. I saw scarlett Johansen sitting on a ledge in Tokyo, gazing out, waiting for something to happen. This is an image that has been with me over the years. The movie captured the loneliness and despair in the ever expansiveness of a world where you are a nobody with such passion and truth.

Years on i am that business traveller. Over the years i have always thought of that ledge and sat on many a hotel window gazing out. It was never the same.

Now here i am in Tokyo, on my ledge, gazing out, feeling like time has turned still.  Its calming and distrubing at the same time.

Just as the locals do it

This morning i went for a wonder in downtown Tokyo and while all was commuting to and from work. I sucked into a local cafe and ordered a coffee and a toasted sandwich containing a tiny serving of salad, egg and tomato. I sat down facing the window in the non smoking window and just people watched for a little while, enjoying following the status quo for a change.

I feel like a dag in Tokyo and that is saying something. This place is all about class and until now i thought that i did that quite well. The women immaculately dressed, perfect heels and boots, beautiful coats, designer handbags and tailored outfits with just a little bit of funk to it. Even the three women who glided past in their bicycles were decked out in an armani skirt suit and not a spot of sweat or hair strand out of place. When i say glide, yes they glided past wheras in any other place in the world you would spot a likely scene cycling away in lycra.

Sometimes its just nice to be part of a city as it wakes up and to observe the little things.

Today was about breakfast on the way to work.

I'm actually quite sick

But i keep going for you see i am travelling in Asia and supposed to be having a wonderful time. I have much to do and not much time to get sick so its just an inconvenience right now.

I'm almost ignoring it really.

Immersing yourself in someone elses world

Today was walking the streets of Tokyo, getting to know the metro, strolling through the gardens, enjoying the rush hour and the people and the quirkyness of it all.

There is something magical about this city that makes you think you can step out of your own world and express yourself, even if a little on the edge.


I've always wanted to see what i would look like with bright red eye shadow. I did not even attract a second look yet alone one.

One year on

Exactly a year ago i joined my current company. Today i am at the intercontinental in Tokyo. Life has worked out exactly like i wanted.

If only it made me happy.

But i am happy.

Perhaps he was just never into me

A million fortune tellers could tell me otherwise but who really knows. Its easy to dream up fairytales in your head about a guy you barely know because he ticks so many of those boxes that the movies and celebrity figures we idolise have met as Mr right.

In reality it was all in my head.

He held my hand while we crossed the road in Saigon

Need i say more....

Lost in translation

I'm in Tokyo and i always wondered what it would be like. Its kind of like i am living out that movie, except there is no boyfriend on business whose five star luxury i am trapped in. Its me on my own and i haven't quite met another similar soul.

There is something about five star hotel that makes it ever so lonely. I have the perfect room, the perfect view and its all on a charge card to someone else. I'm looking out over Tokyo from the 25th floor as i speak. I have a ledge just as scarlett Johansen did. This is what i have always wanted.

Today was just another day living in someone elses world. I traversed the subways of Tokyo, not knowing a word of japanese, exploring Shibuya and Shinjuku. Its a busy, bolstering city with modern day lights and infrastructure and a touch of quirky cool. While the experiences are amazing that i get to have, without a friend to share it with, without a friend to make jokes of those moments, is it really worth it? What am i getting from this?

Your mannerisms were perfect

I love how you embraced who you were, how you respected your culture and put them first at all costs. I love your confidence and the way you carry yourself.

A new man on the block

So i met a man many months back and it was work related so i set him aside. A nice email, a nice acknowledgement of who he was and a great intellectual conversation.

But in the last three months things had changed and you had become even more powerful and the we met in south east asia. We were both their with a purpose and we could both prop each other up in so many ways.

The sexual chemistry between us was amazing but then we are both headstrong in our careers so taking baby steps. And when you held my hand as we crossed the road it was fireworks in the sky. When you came looking for me, the way you looked at me.

We could work you know. Your powerful, exactly my type. I don't know why i didn't see that in you many months ago.

I can't wait to see you again. My heart is flying again. I am smiling. I think i could love you if i let myself. If you let yourself....

Another day in Paradise and Poverty

Last night was really tough. I;ve never stressed like that before. Then this morning i was happy again. I was back to my 3AM calls and life was all going well. I love being busy but this is making me wonder if i have lost myself again.

I recall a time in india or before that, when i used to be terrified of my own company. But then india changed that, i learnt patience and i learnt to enjoy my own company. I learnt courage and i did things that scared me and i made mistakes and i learnt and i had the best time of my life. Lately life has been so busy, i have had some really good friends in my life and i have not had so much moments to savour the things that make it all worthwhile. Perhaps i need to love myself again.

Sometimes i just feel spoilt. I'm sitting here in a five star hotel wanting life my way. I don't even know a word of vietnamese and i am ignoring the customs in this world. I barely leave my hotel room to get the most out of it.

I wandered down to the markets today with some collegues. You know you haven't been in Asia for a while when you get to the end of a corner and wonder how your going to cross the road. You pause for a moment with no green man in site, consider briefly that you could cab it to the other side, then hold your breath, step right out, walk in a sure straight line and hope that the traffic will merely go around you. And its always a sigh of relief when it does.

Wandering the streets, the roadside stalls, the infinite amount of scooters and traversing through chaos, it almost feels normal sometimes. I travel so much that the excitement is gone.

Yet these moments are lovely to appreciate how lovely life truly is. I live in paradise and take it for granted. We all do really.

And then you realise it was all in your head

I fall for men like him all the time, and each time i think i have met the one. My soul mate and twin flame with whom i was destined to be with. I picture our wedding, out lives and this time i saw myself as the mother of your future children.

The thing is i was mistaken. I get carried away with grand gestures that money can buy and accidently forgot the importance of the ones that cost nothing.

Your lies, your false words, the fact that you can't keep your word. The way that i am a nobody in your world and you push me even further. I still wait for you. How pathetic am i to let you walk all over me.

My own fault for not respecting myself enough. I don't need a man like you. Today was one of the worst days in my life. I wondered if i were to die today if anybody would notice. How long would it be until they noticed.

The thing is by chasing after men like you, i miss out on the ones that care.

I keep thinking of deleting you. I am beginning to think that its about self respect now.

Its the toughest moments that take your breath away

In the back of my mind i should have always known that this globetrotting lifestyle isn't as glamourous as it seems. That five star luxury lacks the friendships made for a lifetime in a hostel. That as we mature and become successful we enter into a loneliness of our own. Who else has a life like mine?

But then its the toughest moments like these where you grow and its a process of self discovery. Seeing frivolity for just that and getting to the root of who a person is and whats really important in life. No opinion, no exciting memory simply beats being able to call someone each day to check in.

It would be beautiful to think that someone out there cares what i do each day, wonders if i'm ok and would check up on me if i wasn't.

Maybe this was a moment i was meant to have. To slow down, to not expect so much of myself, to take a step back and really understand what i need in a man, to realise that there is a man right in front of me with all the right moments awaiting a future together.

Is this the meaning of love? Is this just the beginning?

So when it all goes down hill it was not G that i called upon. It was K who has been there all along. It wasn't even R who turns up intermittently. And sure i didn't blab my heart out, it was just that the little hint of contact got immediately requited and made me feel better.

When i think about it, its moments like these and weather or not your man can be there for you or not that makes it. Who cares about looks when your stuck on the other side of the world, about to have a nervous breakdown and you feel all alone in the world. I want and need a guy i can call on when i need him. Its moments like these when life feels so bad that makes you relaise how important certain aspects of life are.

Sure i fell for G, but is a man that can't keep his word what i need. There will be more of these moments and i need to be able to depend on a man.

Tonight at an ultimate worst moments K brought some spark back into my life without even knowing it. Its one of those moments where i just want a hug and cry for a moment. i couldn't do it with G or R. I could with K.

He's in it forever. The other are not.

Feeling trapped

This is the worse i have ever felt. I've been travelling for 24 hours, trying to do too much. Love life, friendships, work pressures, even a holiday seems like pressure. Its that feeling of being trapped and trying to figure out how to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown.

I'm back in south east asia and this place is reminding me of a bad experience i had a long time ago. I'm anxious.

I keep telling myself its not the same. That in a few days i'll be out of here.

Usually i would go for a walk with some bautiful scenery while listning to some tunes. I would come back feeling refreshed and feeling lucky to be alive. I would sit on my king couch overlooking the ocean and city views afterwards and think about how beautiful life has treated me.

Here there is no bautiful view. There is noice. Humidity and i feel trapped. There is no fresh air. No sterile comfort of space and expansiveness you get from cold minimalism which i love so much.

Writing has always helped. I thought i would try it again. I wish i had someone to call. Someone to lean on. I need to cry and this time i really need someone.

I have nobody.

Melbourne at its finest

I was walking down flinders st the other day, donning a pair of skinny jeans, stilletto's and wrapped around a cashmere shawl. I was walking along with my usual casual confidence, head held high, taking the world by storm, one step at a time in accordance with my own agenda.

I was turning heads. And then one man looked and with admiration exclamed "Melbourne at its finest"

Sometimes i think i just have IT.

On protecting one's heart

Its funny how life works out. How you learn to stop taking risks in love. Whatever will be will be, and if it wasn't, it was never meant to be. I believed for so log about chasing dreams, living in the passion and intensity of the moment, giving it all i had, even just for a moment.

Things seem more mature now. Perhaps it will lead to happy endings. Life has taught me patience. Lets see where it will get me.

I savour those moments of who i used to be. Every mistake i ever made i look back with pride. After all who can claim to have climbed the highest mountains, to have fallen in love in Paris, on tropical islands, been seduced by the man of their seemingly innocent dreams. My life has been a pleasure, fairy tale romances, blazing adventures, smiles, laughter, tears, beautiful family and friends.

Its another time in life these days. Its still all very good. I have it all. Yet when i had so little i also had it all, just in different ways.

Do i get rid of him?

Its one of those moments where i am truly confused. I have not heard from him in a month yet my instincts and the psychics of the world tell me he is the one. Its tempting to delete him from my life forever.

The things is i love him. Its not like, its love. But then i have been mistaken before. Do i say goodbye or do i wait and see?

I will wait another day. But i am almost ready to say thankyou, goodbye....

Its hard to face reality

You have not called me in three weeks. Yes its been a while. A month since you last touched me.

I think it's time for me to realise that its over. Its tempting to delete you from my life but i can't get myself to. I can't wait to run away next month. To be free in the world.

The reality is that despite my instincts that have time and time again failed me, i am finding that you are not into me. Its time to let go.

Time to enter the wild wonderful world of love once more. Who knows who i will meet...

From the Lobby of five star luxury

Its 7:00 in the morning and i step out of the lift of the Marriot into the lobby. Meetings start at 7:30 and I'm waiting for my boss to come down.

A nice old indian lady is sitting nearby and i smile at her. She reminds me of my mother, my auntie and every other sri-lankan elder i have ever known. She starts up a conversation and enquires about my life.

"Are you indian?"
"No, i'm sri-lankan, but its very close and similar"
"I'm from india and live in LA"
"I live in Melbourne"
"Are you here for work"
"Yes"
"Do you work in IT?"
"No, I work in energy"
*Thoughtfull moment*
"Are you an engineer?"
"Yes i am, but these days i work in sales"
*An attractive indian man walks upto her*
"This is my son, he has a sri-lankan friend, he is a surgeon, you should join us for dinner, You should take his email address......"

So i walk away with his email address. He says hello and steps back as his mother is doing quite well with this situation.

Anyway he is a surgeon in LA and very very cute.

Eventually my boss comes my way and we are off for the day.

Its funny what life throws at you, who you meet at the oddest of moments. Lets see where this takes us.

I'm still in love with him

Today was a blast from the past. I met up with an old flame that was really ever the only man that i had a real relationship with. One of those heart wrenching yet ecstatic life memories that only two lovers who come together can concot.

We are friends these days, catch up occasionally and the tenderness is still there. The friendship is as strong as ever. It always feels like no time has passed. Honesty, integrity, trust. Thats what we are made of.

And deep down i still love him and there is still that chemistry between us. Our silly jokes, our conversations, the laughs in between moments and that ability to be completely stupid together. Then there's that intellectual match and world changing discussions evaluating the ways of the world and where we fit into it all.

I wish somehow we could make it work. But he is with another. And these days being with another is serious. We are no longer kids. There are whole lives involved.

I wonder if he feels the same way? That sometimes there is an inkling in the back of his mind that perhaps we have both grown up from back in the day and that we are perfect for each other.

I still love him. I wonder if one day...

Was it revenge?

I remember a long time ago it was you and i, and then you ran away, and then i found solace in your friends arms.

It was a long time ago and it was a betrayal of our friendship. Are you getting me back by messing with her head while trying to get me too?

Perhaps i will look back one day and wish i was here again

In reality life is beautiful. The men are a plenty. I have a lovely apartment and a beautiful network of friends and family to share love and joy with. I'm a bachelorette living in a bachelorette pad and i love it.

I have many a man to choose to go on dates with. I have a high flying career and i traverse the world on a whim. Weather it be climbing a mountain, lying on an exotic beach or simply enjoying a home cooked meal with good friends, i really have it all. There is even a man that makes my heart sing even if he does not sing the same song as i.

The thing is i am truly happy right now. I am living the life. I am sure to look back on these days and treasure them in fond memories. I just need to remember to enjoy the moment.

Smile, laugh, sing, dance....

The truth of the matter is

That i have not been doing so well because of the way you have treated me.

New man on the block

I met someone new last night. K just wasn’t enough of a distraction or that was all that he was. G is still on my mind. I’m disappointed in him but my heart is still pointing his way.

So I met another one. Quite a surprise and quite different to my current type. But perhaps people come into your life to learn certain lessons. He is so emotionally available, open and honest in a really supportive way. On top of that successful in his own way, different from what I would consider the road to all you want.

He is a personal trainer who has branched out to owning studio’s and three business’. Great mindset, thinks family and friendships are incredibly important. More importantly he can express his feelings so well and understands the dynamics of men and women, how men think, how I feel and how I react. My usual emotionally distant self crumbling out of necessity to match his honesty. Its nice to meet someone who allows you to acknowledge your own feelings.

Perhaps he will be good for me. Perhaps this is a sweet distraction. Perhaps this is a lesson learnt. Perhaps this is a lifetime.

Who knows?

When trust erodes in friendship

There is a male friend of mine who i have known for eleven years. Moments in time i have had a crush on him while at other moments i have cried and confided in him. Then once he kissed me and then ran away and he hurt me and he ran away again and he came onto my friend and now he flirts with both of us at the same time.

Your real colors are showing through and it took eleven years to see that. You are not a good person. I do not like you.

I wonder if you even make it to a friend.

I'm so disappointed in you and disappointed in my judgement for not realizing what you were really like all this time.

I still like him

Not sure why as he is acting like a dick.

Yet those first few moments, the way he looked at me, the conversations, the moments and the way he held me in his arms and brushed the hair away from my eyes and looked deep into my eyes and told me he liked me. He said it with his whole body.

Who knows what the future will bring. Perhaps i will never see him again and it will ust fizzle away. It was fireworks in a smallish way. The first moments of love and romance from which i found joy and excitement. Yet this time around i have been somewhat twice removed, not quite recovered from being burnt in love so many times. I no longer put my heart on the line with the intensity and passion that i used to.

Its protected my heart this time around. We will fizzle without ever beginning.

And then my intuition tells me otherwise. The spiritual side of me is saying that he is the one, that he is thinking of me, and someday soon he will try to get it all back. That somewhere in the distant it will be him and I for all of eternity.

The tide is turning

Just as the wind changes direction, it seems my heart may actually be turning the other way. He is a man that’s been right in front of me and when I come to think of it, perhaps I never appreciated him for who he was.

It’s a weird feeling. I’m reconsidering G. He has not been around and do I really want someone that acts the way he does. And it’s getting secretive and murky now. Like he is hiding something. The little white lies, the disappearance of all things me, the disappearance of all things him from my life. I never knew him and he ran away before the final act.

But then there is a man that’s been on the sidelines for sometime. I had a fun night the other night. Our core values are the same. He is a good person. More so he is available and he is into me and he is mature and ready for something more in life.

The other day I was thinking of a child. One of my own. What it would be like to have one. What it would be like to feel that love. Some sort of maternal instinct coming through as it never has before. I could see me with a child of my own. It no longer freaks me out.

And in that light what type of man would I want. I think K wins out over G for sure.

We are on a cusp and G is losing his lustre for real this time. And that is not a bad thing.

Its been seven days

Is this really over? You have not been in touch.

The psychics in the world said you would do this. They said you were the one. So in my mind i did not panic.

But really it seems like it's over. The past few weeks you have disappeared with only the occasional call. We don't talk, we don't communicate.

I don't know how to bring up anything. I am hurting further more. You make me cry sometimes.

You and i, we have not been fireworks in any way like all the times before. You are just a guy and i am just a girl and we live in the same city and out lives just seem to fit in so many ways. I just don't see the external barriers right now, its just within us.

Perhaps we are not meant to be together. My instincts say otherwise but i have to accept also that this may be it. Game over. Your just over it, that you were never into me. I don't know why you came on so strong only to disappear.

I don't know how you feel. You make me cry.

On Getting Older

In amidst the drama and excitement i forgot how old i was. I turned 29 the other day, only a year away from the big 30. Today i went to a friends 30th.

Somehow we all got so much older without realising it. I don't know how but it just happened that way.

Once a long time ago i wanted to be be married by thirty, for my life to be sorted. I feel i need to do something with life in this year. I have sat back for long enough. I'm not sure what but its time to shine.

There is a man that can give me it all and wants to give it all. Then there is a man that seems not to care but at this moment my heart is facing his way. Is this the time to be sensible? Or do i just enjoy this one last year and be sensible after thirty?

Thats my thresh-hold. I will settle down after that. My parents can sort it out.

The man i want to spend the rest of my life with is here now. If only he will turn my way.

Somethings up

Your trying to hide something. I wonder what it is. I can feel it.

I went on a date last night

And it wasn't with you.

He's been in the background for years now. I know he's into me. He always has been. And its been so long that i even forgot why i never went for him in the first place.

He's a nice guy. Ticks all the right boxes. I'm not sure the sparks there but perhaps that can grow.

I even kissed him. I'm seeing him next week as well.

Life goes on babe. It may not be game over but boy does life keep going on!

A force to be reckoned with

You and me. We could be powerful together. You know it. I know it. Why fight it?

I love you. I always have. Do you not remember that we have spent lifetimes together? Thats why it feels so comfortable.

Remember when you woke up that morning and you lay your head on my breasts and let yourself sink into the safety of my arms and i held you so tenderly? That was beautiful for a moment. You felt it too and then you freaked out and it all changed and you established your manhood and held me in your arms. That was beautiful in its own way but i know for a moment you felt safe with me.

And i know that you know that while you freaked out this time, you will feel that way in this lifetime one more. I know that you know that this is it. I am meant for you and you are meant for you.

Baby i love you. Our souls and our bodies remember times and lifetimes gone by. Its you and me babe. I love you.

You realise this already. I can't wait for you to admit it to me.

As i said, Babe i love you. I could make you my world if you wanted me to.

Thankyou to the David's and M's of the world

Despite the mess of this situation i still have a good feeling about it all. Deep down if i had to admit it to myself, its not game over, this is the guy i have been with for eternity and i look forward to another lifetime together.

But its every other relationship that will make it work. David and M and all the other men, i learnt so much about what does not work. To my career for the life lessons in emotional intelligence and being more self aware. I owe you the world for being able to face the world with clarity and sensibility.

Everything i have done this time around has been a lesson learnt in life experience.

I love this guy. He loves me too. I know it. He knows it. In time we will make it work.

The moments gone

You call as if it was nothing. No apology, no nothing. You've just been busy. You have some guts.

I didn't know what to say so I let you lead the conversation. I let you talk about your life and ask me about mine. I told you how fabulous i have been and continue to be. We left it at that.

Reality is that the moments gone. Your too young. Your too immature. Your not ready for this. Your not completely into me.

I've lulled you into a false sense of security when my heart has looked the other way.

Game Over

He never turned up to my birthday, didn't call, not even an sms. One day on still nothing.

He's a clever enough boy to know that its Game over.

I can take a hint. You are just not that into me.

I never really got to know who you were but goodbye anyway.

I love airports

And this is not the words of someone ever green to flying. I travel a lot. All the time. I'm at the airport almost weekly, sometimes twice or thrice even.

My world is that of limosines, cabs, airport check-ins, business lounges, five star hotels, two hat restaurants, pitches in the boardrooms of the corporate world overlooking national icons, 24/7 conference calls and most of all that rush of a feeling that i am making the world spin.

I'm super organised. My have packing light down to an art. Within ten minutes i have it all, everything needed to make me beautiful, three pairs of shoes to make any occassion, bikini for a hotel swim, a little black dress just in case and that all important power suit with nothing less than a cufflink shirt.

I breeze through priority checkins, sweep past security, every now and then buy a book and listen to some tunes. The airport is my meeting place. Business meetings, bumping into casual acquaintances, long lost friends and the occasional man that catches my eye. Its a buzz of activity and i love watching the world move on, the hustle and bustle of people going from somewhere to somewhere.

To me it does not matter where i go or where i come from. Its the journey of going some place that matters

Each time i'm there i feel free. Free that i am heading off somewhere or coming back. Free that i am all alone. Free that for a few hours there will be just me, no communication, no mobile, no one can get in touch.

Its my time to myself amoungst strangers i can befriend or block out from my world with some tunes. Its that feeling of comfort as we soar through the air, hang out in the clouds, eat, drink and have a moment to oneself.

I don't do half way

And thats what you are.

Fuck you. Fuck off.

Perhaps my pride is worth more than you

In reality i love you, i think we have magic together and i think we have known each other in a lifetime. I think we have lived lifetimes together. I ache to be close to you.

Then reality hits and thats it. You have not proven your worth. I will throw you away. My pride rules my world.

I hate you for the hours of anguish you have caused. I did not need you in my life.

Once again i hate you. I do not need you in my life.

I hate you!!!!

Tonight you made me cry

The reality is that you ignored me at your party and for the past two weeks. I don't exist in your world.

And now there is a girl on your arm and your friends think your having fun with her. The thing is that regardless of it being true or false, i feel hurt and ignore. I have tears in my eyes for a guy that just doesn't seem to care.

Your world shows nothing of me. I don't exist.

It makes me cry.

Perhaps i never felt for the real you. Perhaps i should just walk away. Perhaps its time to say goodbye.

The power of a best friend

So when he does wrong by you, makes the tears flow, sets expectations way too high and shreds your hopes and dreams to pieces, she is there by my side, making me laugh, listening and caring.

I call her instead of him because she cares and he doesn't.

I tell her all about him because she cares and he doesn't.

But at the same time its all fun and games. Our lives intertwined. I love having a best friend again. One to share everything with. Open, honestly and everything.

The man that came between us is not worth it for the friendship that we have.

Off Off and Away

I love this feeling.

Does not matter where i am going as long as its somewhere.

I love flying away. I feel so free.

Goodbye my life for but a day. I will be back refreshed and ready to soar.

A measly text

A call would have been nice

So with two hours to spare on midnight I get a happy birthday note. It’s completely obligatory and nothing more. A call would have been nice you know? How are you, I’m thinking of you?

The thing is I barely know you. Its coming through right now.

And the other thing is I have wonderful friends. Friends that are in their own right making my life full and beautiful. You’re not filling a gap as there are no gaps in my life.

Yes we have something together. I think we get along incredibly. I’m not walking away completely as I can see us working out. But for now I don’t know about you.

Your murky. This is murky. Something is going on.

I'm leaving now. Thankyou. Goodbye

My Birthday 1:15 PM

He came across as a knight in shining armor. A prince who has finally found his princess. He wooed her with all that he had, denying her nothing less than perfection.

He called, he took her out, he opened doors, he graced her with beautiful flowers, he called her, made plans for the future and welcomed her with open arms into his life. She slowly started to put her trust in a man that seemed like he had his act together. A man that came across as a nice guy with the perfect amount of ambition, drive and excitement.

And then he changed back into a frog. She was no longer his prize. He stopped calling, he started putting her on bare minimum effort, hoping to keep her on the side just in case he changed his mind.  He no longer made time for, he no longer felt the need to be the man he pretended to be. He became someone else, the real him.

And she did not do anything. The man she met was changing but by the wisdom of her past and the wisdom of fairytale romances that only resulted in nights of tears and torture, she waited on the sidelines. One step in, one step out, her heart was still shielded and she protected her heart unlike any other time before. She didn’t push or pull as she would have in the past. She just let it be.

And now he is losing his glimmer. He is another man. She did not fall for him. She no longer wants to see him.

Her prince turned back into a frog and she is throwing him back to the sea.

My Birthday 1:23 PM

Its my birthday and he has upset me for not taking the initiative to call. This is the ultimate deal breaker. If he does not call today that is it. No more.

Throw him out. He is already out. But perhaps he will not get another chance ever.

His true colors are showing through.

My Birthday 2:12 PM

Now I hate him. I feel like never speaking to him ever again.

Its good I am talking to the wind. Conversations such as these can end in disaster. I am not as strong as I think I am. I crave to be loved and I crave for his attention.

In the absence of it I act aloof like I don’t care. Deep down it hurts.

He is a jerk. To show one side and be really another. What is these games he is playing?

My Birthday 2:53 PM

I’m feeling quite crummy today and its all your fault.

Why go for something if you are not into it? Your not even like the others. There is not dashing prince fairytale about you.

I did not fall for you immediately. You were a nobody with a clever job and able to climb mountains. I did not think much of your looks. Your not even my type. You are not a Malcolm or David of the world.

Yet I gave you a chance and you used your charms and pulled out all tricks to get me to fall for you. But now your different, you took all that back. Some parts I still like you but the personality which shone through and I fell for has disappeared.

I’m leaving now. Thankyou, goodbye.

Feeling a little better

Clearing the head. Seeing the positive spin in the world.

Lets not call it game over until it really is. No need to start a rebound process before the event has happened. Yes i feel crap but if i were to think why, its because i have been in similar situations with other men and its gone face up and i've stumbled and crashed and burned.

But thats where this feeling comes from. That he will do the same.

In all reality i was out with him on friday night, met his sister and all his friends on saturday night, he stayed over or i stayed over and he has not run away. He is still so sweet and holds me ever so gently in his arms. Perhaps he just wants to take his time through all this. Perhaps he is not a morning person. He is not running away. He is enquiring more and more about my life.

He is busy with work, thats the nature of what he does.  Its been many weeks and we have a rhythm forming. His flowers are still blooming. We are having magnificent conversations. His friends are trying to tell me he's a great person and accepting me with open arms as is his sister.

Yes there are moments that don't quite work. Why did he not introduce me to anyone. Why did he not admit who i was. Why am i being demoted to a friend?

The thing is i really like him. We have something together. We just need to keep that spark going. I just need to keep trying because while i don't feel right its because of experiences with other men. And he is no other man, he is different, has his act together and deep down i trust that he is a good person.

I think i'm losing him

Its that feeling at the pit of your stomach where you know things are not quite right. I don't think he see's me in that light. I don't think he's attracted to me any longer.

Sometimes a switch turns off in a person's head and there is not much one can do about it.

Other times in life i have frantically tried to salvage these moments and failed spectacularly. The thing is if he were into me i would know it. He would be at my doorstep wanted to rip my clothes off by now. The thing is he is not and any excuse i make is just that, an excuse.

The only thing i can do is to do nothing. Sometimes when things go south its just better to do nothing. Build up some value.  Be fabulous.

I still feel crummy.

Wallowing in self pity

Sometimes that is all you need to do. Just drop the high moral ground and wallow in self pity and hatred towards the world. Share it with a friend and take them off that high road and let them wallow too.

And sometimes it feels great. Because your usually always optimistic and the world is full of moments that take your breath away. But sometimes its ok to just say that you don't have it together and take that pressure off and breath a sigh of release.

Let it out that you hate him and that you may never speak to him ever again, let that thought contemplate and simmer and marinate. Fly away in your mind and share it with a friend and blow away all that steam. He'll never know.

Todays been great. It was great to wallow away and give myself a break for a change. And then pumping some iron and a run along the beach with my best friend, giving it all we've got and looking fabulous as walkers by checked us out, sweat and all.  Then its the chats and the conversations about being successful and happy and analyzing the men to death in that really safe environment made of only the best of friends.

Dreaming up destinations, life plans, collecting lessons learnt, what not to do, the book of scrapped ideas and guides on how to do it.

Sometimes you just need to let go to get it all back again.

On having a bestie

For the first time in my life i have a best friend that i can count on, call whenever and share the high's and low's of life with. It helps face those moments in life when alone you think through impossible scenario's in your head and push and pull your life in multiple directions thinking you can move mountains.

Sometimes the best you can do to help a blossoming spark is not to call him. So i email her twenty times a day, i call her ten times a day, i tell her every thought i have. I tell her that i miss him, that i feel hurt by him, that i think he is incredible and sweet. I don't tell him.

She keeps me sane!

That anxious feeling

Is it worth it? The good times are great, exhilarating and full of laughter.  But then the lows are anxiety in motion. This isn't what fairytales are made of.

So i'm thinking is it worth it? You know when a guys into you. He's at your beck and call. Is it time to retreat.

Cut my losses here and now.

I miss him

If i were to be completely honest he isn't loosing any glimmer. I am becoming more in love and more infatuated with him by the moment.

The real truth is i'm scared of getting hurt. I want to pour my heart out and cry but i know i can't. I crave for him so much that it hurts. And yes i'll find consolation elsewhere but it doesn't compare to how i feel when i wake up in his arms.

I'm falling in love with a man and its lovely and its terrifying at the same time.

Did i fall for somebody else?

Sometimes you meet men that seem too good to be true. Things just work without any drama. He takes you to two hat restaurants, opens doors, buys you flowers, calls and texts and can't get you out of his head.  He's making plans for the future and your joining him in all that you do and insisting he pay despite your multiple offers.  You think he's a keeper. You feel special. You smile.

And then all of a sudden nothing. You start thinking do i need to let him know i like him too. Why did he say he will call and didn't. And you make your move and he disapears even further. All those plans, all those moments, all of a sudden he's not so sure, he retreats into his own world.

And your out. And sometimes you can turn it around by ignoring him. Having a fabulous life. Hiding that he hurt you so that you can give him space.

And then there he is again, wanting to be your everything.  Little by little the strings are coming undone. He's not as classy as he made himself out to be, he's not as mature and astute. In fact he was merely trying to impress you in those first few moments until he had you.

And now its this rollercoaster if drama. The things i fell for, those sms's and sweet words telling me how much he enjoyed seeing me. I miss not having to worry about wheather or not he would keep his word.

Did i fall for someone else? Someone he pretended to be?

Is he loosing his glimmer?

Sometimes i ache to hear from him

I only saw him two days ago. We had a fantastic time. We connected. We laughed, we shared. He walked me to where i needed to go and kissed and hugged me goodbye. He said he would give me a call.

Its the first of an eternity of moments. Its the first few moments of anticipation.  My heart wants to hear from him. My heart wants to know that he is thinking of me. That he is missing me. That i make him smile. That i am special.

But in this world we live in we wait for the men to call for their get scared and run away if we are too into them. I am seeing him over the weekend. Till then i will wait on the sidelines.

My attention turned to another man i can call. Another man who will satisfy those yearnings inside. Another man who will keep me sane and keep me from calling the one i want.

So many times i thought this was all a game, that we were beyond this. But one too many times i have initiated and poured my heart out for a man to run even further. I know what i need to give him is space. Space to miss me, space to wonder what i am upto.

Its another man and I while we play these games to make it all work.

A place for a booty call amidst new beginnings

Sometimes things are going along swimmingly and you don't want to stuff things up. New relationships, new beginnings, it seems needs time to simmer and marinate before they turn into loyal, endearing, passionate relationships.

So all that nervous energy, all that temptation to speak to him, all that desire and fairy tales which form and live out their own lives in your head. How do you stop that from ruining these new beginnings, scaring your man away. How do you stop yourself from jumping him at the very first moment you get a chance before your truly ready to sleep with him in a way that lovers do.

He sweeps me off my feet one second and runs away another. I know its about letting it all marinate and take its time.

Sometimes turning to another man, no strings attached is but the only answer. Its that validation in yourself, its that confidence, its that feeling where you want nothing more than sex and you call him on your terms.

Until the man of your dreams corners you into a corner to have that exclusive chat, anything goes. He has my heart from a distance but he needs to let me know if he wants the whole package.

From the markets to hail storms to the Hilton in another city

Its been one of those days.

But lately those quirky odd moments seem more normal than not.

Waking up to the sun shining, putting on some tunes i think about what to do with my day.  Its 11 AM and after a nice sleep in i call my friend, who is also just stirring. We make plans to meet and head to the sunday market in forty five.  I catch a snippet of time in between a shower and another load of laundry to book a flight and hotel to Sydney.

I love wondering aorund the sunday markets. Ours is one of those trendy ones, where everyone looks so casual chic, the apples a perfect circle, full of color, full of life and culture. We catch a skinny latte and some french pastry over a nice long lazy chat.

Then its time to get down to business. I have exactly three hours to get my laptop, pack my bags and head to the airport for the 6 O'clock/

One foot in front of the other

To say i have an exciting life would be an understatement.  That exhilerating feeling that somehow i am making the world spin come in waves more often than not.

When do you speak to me? Today, yesterday, tomorrow, last year, next week?

You will get a different story, a different set of adventures, a different man, a different plan to take over the world.  I'm surrounded by lovely friends, a loving family, an abundance of admirers, a rich and fullfilling love life (albeit with its rollercoaster style ups and downs but it makes it all the more exciting). Life is a plethora of smiles and the occasional tear which all works together.

One day we are traversing the world, one cloud at a time, one mountain at a time, one hug at a time, one smile at a time. One kind look, one gentle gaze, one kind deed after another.

Life is about the moments that take our breath away and there are definitely plenty of those right now.

If only you could speak the truth

Sometimes all you want is acknowledgement, that you matter, that someone else cares and that without you, perhaps someone elses life would not go on.

I miss being important, feeling important.

Or is this growing up? Realising that no one is important?

It half past midnight and i feel down. I know i can't speak to any of my friends about it, i am all alone. Nothing wrong with that, just how life is. Perhaps i will never meet somebody.

Tears streaming down.

I miss all of him and every him that ever was and every him that will ever be......

Disapointed

Today while i was far above the clouds i started to question a few things. Then i started realising a few things too.

That you didn't want to see me over the weekend.
That you preferred to hang with your friends over me.
That you preferred not to ask me to come out hiking even though you knew i would enjoy it.
That you said you'd call but that you never did.
That you did not want to see me.
That you acted out of character to woo me and then threw away my heart when you realised you had it.

Then i realised that i don't really know you. That you are not who you made yourself out to be. You tried to be someone else. And i fell for that someone else.

I got hurt. I feel like crying. I got carried away. I never trusted you, that takes time but oh how i did try to give you the benefit of the doubt.

And now your loosing your touch. Your loosing that feeling of excitement. Your undoing that feeling.

Perhaps i have not known you before. Perhaps it was not you and i in Pompei. Perhaps you are young and immature. Perhaps you are not as amazing as you pretended to be.

Perhaps you are just another man, no more significant, no less special.

One last play

I have this feeling that if this were to work out that it would be it. I've met someone that really tugs on those heart strings, that my instincts are telling me is a good person and has all the right qualities and characteristics. The blemishes are coming through but it is making it all the more endearing and realistic.

He wants to be friends for a little while. He's a little freaked out.

Is this my chance for one last play. There are many a man to fool around with. It may be the last time.

He is the one that pushed me away just a tiny little bit. Surely if he wants me to himself he would make it clear. Corner me with a talk or something along those lines.

So its one last play for me.  Its like all of life has been a dress rehersal for this one moment. And this will be my last rehersal.

Opening night is coming soon.

Life above the clouds

On that rare sunny day while soaring far above the clouds with a nice tune in my ear i can't but smile at how beautiful it all is. The peach, the vastness, the emptiness and the possibilities. I close my eyes, i smile, i can barely contain it. This feeling of immense happiness to be there in that moment, above the clouds, going from somewhere to somewhere. I can hardly describe it.

While others hate the hassle of flying, the anonymity of an airport. I love it. I feel at home. I love the rush. I love living my life, watching others, the significance of leaving and coming home.

I feel as if it were where i belong,

I've been doing this for almost ten years and i don't think my feelings will ever change. I love that not a week goes by that i don't hop on a plane and head off somewhere, anywhere. I love feeling like the world is my oyster.  I love coming home to family, friends and a stable life.

Sometimes you realise that you have it all sorted.

The best conversation in the history of the world

Sometimes when it all starts going down the drain its tempting to say or do something to keep digging, creating an eclipse of a hole where you will never ever scramble out.

Now today i had the best conversation in the history of the world. In fact there is probably no one in the world that has ever done a turn around so great.

I listened to him, i didn't get emotional, i pretended i didn't even realize something was wrong and that all i wanted was friends. It was non threatening, highly civilized and he walked away with a sense of security.

So he had lots of kudos in the jar, plenty in that bank account of dreams and bonus points. With that one comment he made a withdrawal but he didn't close the account. I increased my value by being fabulous, by being busy, by having a fabulous time without him. He's putting his deposit's back in but at a high interest rate. 

As i said, the best conversation in the history of the world. I deserve a medal for this turn around.

Dear Gorgeous Flowers that know no better

You were handed over with the best of intentions, only the best ever for you with promises of friendship and love to come. You bloom away, unbeknown to the goings on of the world, lasting weeks, potentially months.

Yet your giver, the messenger of that initial whisper of sweet words has changed his mind. He no longer feels the same. Yet your blooming away in that vase at the epicentre of my apartment. How do you not know any better, that it hurts that you have outlived this mere romance. Are you meant to wilt away with the momento of his words. Do you see my tears?

I can hide but not forever. He has hurt me. I have done nothing.

I got dropped

So i got that dreaded call today. He's not quite sure about anything, not quiet ready, looking for an out. All that perfection, once more in my mind. It was no secret find, it was no twin flame, it was pure excitement and lust.

I fell for his charms and now i sit here and cry. Though not as bad as it would have once been. For i have friends and i have a good head on my shoulders these days.

He's just not that into me and it hurts.

Back on track

Its that delicate balance in the first stages of courting, every word, every gesture.

Yet we have formed a rhythm amoungst ourselves, a silent understanding that we are together.

I really like him.

Kind of feeling nervous

The worst part of dating is those moments of insecurity that you fall into. Its starts off so well and he's so into you, filling your every moment, reminding you that he's keen on you and always on his mind.

Its not like he's said otherwsie. I think this is me misintepreting experiences i have had in my life. I have in front of me a man that adores me. I just need to be patient that's all.

The thing is i hate this feeling. But in hindsite i think its more feelings i don't understand. Feelings i have not walked through. Sure in the past i have been let down but thats not a reflection of now, not a reflection of this man.

I'm sure he likes me, i'm sure he's crazy about me, i'm sure he will call.

Overwhelmed

Life was breezy and on a rollercoaster for a few days but sometimes i need a reality test.

Work is full on pressures and i have a tendency to look at the world through rose coloured glasses. So here i am awake through midnight thinking that preparation in hindsite may have helped.

Perhaps it wasn't about work or him but tonight i have one of those feelings that the world is not right. I'm comparing and making it all destructive. I have too much work to do and too much stress.  I feel a mess.

The glass of wine didn't help. The fact that i have not been sleeping does not help. I'm not sure whats wrong today.

I'll tell you tomorrow.

The other half of myself

Sometimes it seems like i am staring into the other half of myself. The spark, the chemistry, the kindness. Its unbelievable.

This is unlike anything i have felt before.

Fierce loyalty, unconditional feelings and that feeling of peace, knowing all is well in this universe of ours.

Together we complete each other.

Elusive search for that perfect man

Its was a random friday night and i was out just going through the motions, feeling slightly over it and not entirely content with the state of friendships around me. Bar hopping and eventually ending up there, spotting an old friend and striking up a conversation with his friend.

I whispered no as my friend asked me if i needed rescuing. I was having an interesting conversation, i couldn't be bothered dancing and there was a stool i could sit on. I was happy to have my chat and sip my drink.

Eventually deciding to head home i grab my friends and say goodbye. He catches me by surprise as he asks for my number. I give him what i think is the correct one and hope i didn't muck it up in between changing phones so many times. And if i did, what a nice guy but i guess i thought life would go on.

Still when he messaged with the promise of a dinner i still did not think through much. I fitted him in three weeks later for a date amongst my busy schedule.

And then it all happened. Three weeks later he had worked it all out and swept me off my feet. Its amazing how life brings forth the moment unexpected moments. He was right in front of me and as i got to know him he becomes more delicious.

I think of him all the time.

We are still in that madness of dating, of savoring moments, of knowing and not knowing. This time though i think it will work.

Its makes me think however, i never realized from first impressions who he could be? If it were not for the mutual friend i may never have spoken to him.

How many people do we overlook, underestimate in our search for that perfect man?

This is how you do it

Its how i felt as a i swooped by those girls in skimpy cloths, cheap hair dye stuck in the rain as i got into the comfort of a friends car that had arrived at the door. Or perhaps its that feeling as we cab it from the Hilton to the Marriot and wine ad dine on the waterfront. Then there's that date you meet that sweeps you off your feet, opens doors and takes you to the trendiest spot in time. Its that dress you wore that fits your curves perfectly with the right amount of class and glamour that does but turn many a head. And then there's that jog in the park where you meet your boy looking like your fresh out of a sport magazine ready to run a marathon. Its the time you spend in the air, breezing through limousine pick-ups, airport lounges and business class luxury. Then there's that career which just moves upwards and forwards where you climb the ladder barely touching the rungs.

Yes i've made it. This is how you do it.

A moment to hold on forever

So i think this time i've finally found the man. That deep connection, that feeling deep inside, that intuitive feeling where all is aligning. I stare into the world an it stares back.

Its a delicious feeling. I smile and dance around the room. You know when you meet a man that you know you can be intensely loyal with, that you know you can admire and respect, that in your heart of hearts with your intuition know is a good man.

Part of me is scared. But part of me is happy.

I'm ready for this. My ducks are all in a row - its time for me to shine.

First Impressions

Polished, Confident, trustworthy, debonair, exciting