I'm living a dream in my mind

So i tried to be positive and think the best of the world.

But the thing is, not everyone is perfect. Yes i am attracted to you. But some girl was messaging and calling you all night and you had a box of condoms on your bag that i accidently found when i tried to leave you a birthday surprise.

And if i were to admit to myself, i miss G. He really was perfect for me. I also trusted him.

And this latest him. He's not honest. He's not right. He's just a bit of fun. I'm kidding myself with anything else.

And last night. I took you to the hippest place in town for your birthday. You turned up in your jeans and that tight black tee which makes you look ever so hot.  All other men would have turned up in a suit with cufflunks.

It felt somewhat sureal. You looked so hot and young. I wondered if i could even compete and felt lucky to have that night with you. In terms of looks, perhaps i am just out of your league. Perhaps i just need to accept that you are a toy boy.

Too caught up to dwelve on him

Sometimes travelling is good. It gives you space that you often will not give yourself. Sure i miss him but i have barely a moment to think about him.

Yes i glance at my phone excitely everytime my blackberry beeps, thinking he will drop me a line. He hasn't. Its ok. I still like him and he likes me even though we are not exclusive or even together. Time away makes you see reality for what it is.

If i want to make it work with him i know i could. And the answer is to keep doing what i am doing right now.

I haven't written to him not to play games but simply because life has become busy and i don't have enough time in my day.

Also, I'm slowly seeing what we have together for what it is and seeing how he feels. I think we have something beautiful together and it could grow into a forever but right now its in that hit or miss dating stage. Lately its been hitting than missing and there have been some wonderful times.

But i'm still prepared to see other men. I'm still prepared to keep my options open. I don't quite want to but i do myself no justice holding onto a man that does not feel the same about me and is still making up his mind.

Today i learnt that i still have it

You know those moments where you feel a little like an imposter but have years of experience and confidence accumulated that you know you won't get caught out so don't really stress about it.

Well today i proved that i had nothing to worry about anyways. I got it all working, i figured out what was wrong and i shined pretty bright. I run away from the technical side sometimes and prefer to live in my management hat. Its nice to be able to do the ground work too.

I feel satisfied today. A step back, a step forward.

I'm soo tired but i still love my life

I can barely keep my eyes open. Its work, its 8 hours of pitching, its been truck in Seoul traffic for hours on end, its polite conversations in someone elses world, its eating the unfamiliar and its transending boundaries.

I'm so tired i can barely type or keep my eyes open.  Its from cab to five star hotel and office and restaurant and business meetings and repeat all over again.

Yet i still love it. This is what i was made for. This is what i have always wanted. I can make it seem less than ideal and that its not so great once you living the life. Sure the reality of hardwork comes to play, but i still love it. I am the envy of the world and have achieved exactly what i hoped for in my dreams.

I still miss my man though. I was in the can the other day and i must of had that dreamy look gazing out at someone elses world. The cabbie turned around and asked if i was thinking of my boyfriend.

I've met you to learn life lessons

A long time ago i got hurt in love. And for a long time, without realising i have been living in the shadows of defence. Just not letting life get too deep that i could possibly feel that hurt again.

And then i met you. Some people you meet to learn life lessons. And this one is on letting someone in through the walls, through the uncertainty, in trusting that you are a good person and trusting that the some risks are worth taking.

I don't know where we are heading.

Are we destined to learn a life lesson together or is this a forever something?

Only time will tell.

(I am falling in love with you)

Tomorrow i'm off again

This time to SK on yet another business trip. What does await, who really knows.

I'm slightly anxious about leaving my life once more but feel it may be the best thing also. Travel provides perspectives and space and time that otherwise is hard to come by. Your so busy discovering the wonder of the world and coming to terms with the deepest secrets of your being, that all the whimsicle parts of life just fall away.

I'm excited and scared at the same time.

Deep down i'm craving to settle down in his arms. On the surface i traverse the world on a whim, one adventure at a time.

Cept this time, the real adventure i seek is in his arms. This is new to me. I've seen the world but have yet to experience love.

The best day in the history of the world

Waking up at dawn and running that 10km with my man, just one step at a time, motivating each other to not stop along the way and keep on going. Coming back home and falling asleep in his arms, cuddling, kissing, touching and lazily waking up at three to wander through the sunshine and grab breakfast in that retro old school cafe to the backdrop of Audrey hepburn movies. A wander through the sunshine holding hands, conversations that drill deep into each others lives, the gentle touch and the warmth of his caress. Looking longingly into his eyes and hugging him goodbye.

Its baby steps and its a whirlwind romance. I can see myself falling for him and i'm scared because it can be incredibly beautiful or incredibly painful based on if we find or lose each other.

Life is complicated. We don't know where life will lead. Its beautiful when two people open up. I am learning life lessons on love.

Should i just get to know him better

Go back to those first moments without jumping too deep second time around. Get deep into his mind, laugh, enjoy, run and just be simple together.

Its tempting to stay

But temptation doesn't lead to all that much. I have honesty and truth.

And at the heart of the matter is the fact that he is young. At 26 i had other things on my mind also.

When you know you love your job

I'm actually quite sick and working away from home and you know whats going through my mind. How i absolutely love my job.

I love what i do. I love how i do it. I love the people, the imagination it requires, the skill and the power that comes with it.  I truly genuinely enjoy and get a kick out of making the world spin just a tad faster.

I'm glad i had the wisdom to take some time out

Sometimes you need to vent to the world. To validate yourself. To go into the motions of denial and self protection before admitting to the world that you are in a little bit of a way hurt.  Or perhaps in a little lot of a way.

I'm glad i took the time to think it over. We are going for a run tomorrow night and we will talk it out.

The thing is, i have a fun time with him. But then as i long as i stay i don't let other doors open so i know whats good for me. And in the long term i don't think he is right for me. I need a man with more ambition and passion to match me in life. 

But i want to be friends. I want to run with him. I want to hang out with him and be his friend.

The emotional rollercoaster

Sometimes i wonder about all of this. Our pride and the way we work.

How fabulous we are that we forget the simple things.

Deep down i still like him. I wish he had turned out to be the doting man i hope for. But he isn't. He's young. He had others in his sites maybe.

The balls in my court and he already knows he's out the door.

If only i didn't know what i know. If only i didn't realise that i want spectacular and that i wouldn't settle for anything less

If your dream man appeared tomorrow would you stay with him another second?

Thats what she said to me. And when i thought of it, the answer was a resounding no.

For he was not my dream man. Heck, not even close to my type. So what was it that i saw in him?

Yes i found him to be a calming influence on a life which resembles organised chaos at it's greatest. But one day surely i would find his lack of ambition and motivation something other than endearing.

He is such a good man with a good heart, stable and down to earth. Sometimes that isn't enough.

I met the man of my dreams about one year ago

Unfinished stories. Two lives left in limbo.

Remember that very first conversation and how we discovered a mutual passion for mountain climbing? Remember those first oysters that we shared over cocktails? Remember those white ochards you gave me that lasted much longer that your stay in my life? Remember out running dates and how you taught me to rock climb?

With you there was never any doubt in my mind. I know i should stop trying to live in the past.

but....

Sometimes you need to let them go to see if they will fly back to you

And either way you have your answer.

And either way you do not living your own life.

I don't do ordinary

Everything that happens to me is spectacular in some way shape or form. That’s just me, that’s how I roll. It’s the passion and intensity I bestow to everything I do in life.

I don’t do things half way, I never tip my feet in the water to see how warm it is, I just dive straight in, facing my fears and having a blast.  I constantly challenge myself to achieve greater levels of excellence. At work, in friendships, in my relationship with my family and in lovers. 

Life is not about living in the safety of shadows but more about taking a risk and giving yourself the freedom to shine like the brightest star in the sky.  It’s about being the best you can me, every moment of every day. 

What your offering is something mediocre. It doesn’t excite me, it’s not a fairytale romance full of spark.  It’s being content with the ordinary.

I’m not ordinary.

Floating along in no mans land

I feel somewhat like I am in no mans land.  Having broken up with my man I feel a tinge of sadness but also a bout of liberation for asking for what I want and having the courage to walk away.

I was nice, I was gentle, he know’s I like him and I know where his head is at. He said to me, this is the most honest conversation we have ever had.  He is a good man with a good heart but you can’t speed up other people’s lives and you can’t slow down your own either. I can see this as a friendship to value and cherish. I want him in my life.

The thing is a certain chapter in my life is closing. I am learning to express myself, to ask for what I want in love, to think positive and know that the world will deliver in all its splendour the most perfect relationship for me. 

Because that’s just who I am. I’m the type of person that everything just works out for and I suddenly find myself with the perfect life, time after time.

Opening another door

Sometimes you need to voice what you want and stop accepting what you get. Everything that has made me successful at work need not be thrown away in my love life. There are certain lessons in respect and humility and understanding that I have learnt that will transcend any situation, weather that be social, at work or in love. 

Last night I asked him gently where we were at and I didn’t hear the answer I wanted to hear. I told him where I was at and where that mismatch was. That I was ready to walk away but still be the best of friends. Just without the benefits.

And it felt good.

While its tempting to stay, sometimes taking back your own power, respecting yourself, craving for a man to take you out and call you special and tell you he wants you in his life forever. If that’s missing from him, I have only myself to blame for staying put. 

And with him I learnt a life lesson. A lesson on asking for what I want, for going after what I want, for being honest, for having the courage to call it quites when it doesn’t work.

And I have opened a door.

Anxious but not as much as i used to be

Today is the day i talk to you. Really talk to you from my heart with my insecurities.

I know something about you. A side that you've never revealed to me. I want to know how you feel.

Its also the day i test my judgement. I think you are a good person with a beautiful heart and this time i don't even think you need the benefit of the doubt because i believe in you.

Let's just have a chat.

The power of family

You know what, sometimes life is nothing without family.

I love how she care's about me, how he cares about me. How i have a mum and dad that i can call on to save me if i need them. But they brought me up so well i will never need saving.

I love how they care. How no one else calls but they do.

I'm scared

Yes thats right, I'm scared.

Its one ofthose moments when the grey areas are no longer bearable and you need to make a decision. Say goodbye to waking up in your arms just in case it meant nothing to you.

I trust my instincts. I still think i mean a whole lot to you.

I'm still scared. I wish it was a whole lot easier.

I struggle to communicate. I struggle to tell you how i feel.

There is always an element of risk

When you go on that very first date, you don't anticipate all thats to come. The ups and down's and the ultimate high's. The betrayals and the friendships that keep it all alive.

But the things is, that is life, and staying on the sidelines not living at all is even worse. And this time i think i have given it my all with everything i have. I have learnt to be gentle and effectionate and i have learnt to love someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. I have learnt to be positive and honest about my feelings and to just be myself.

When we enter certain unchartered territories i have learnt to depend on my friends, be calm and put my self in others shoes.

I have enjoyed being with him. The risks i have taken and paid their dues.

Lets just hope he turns out to be the honest and good man that i think he is.

wondering

Dear N,

We met some time ago and it went so well. You were calling, we were going out, you treated me like a princess, opened doors and we had conversations to transend time, getting to know each other just a little at a time.

But recently things have been different. I found out something last week. I found out you were back on that site actively looking for another.

And myself, i had my indescretion last weekend which made me realise how much i want you and need you. All i kept thinking was that he wasn't you. Its funny how a mistake with another man makes me appreciate you more.

We haven't had that exclusive talk. We are just dating. Neither of us doing anything wrong,

But N, it hurts. It hurts that you can hold me in your arms and kiss me so gently and still think of others.

I think its too long on the sidelines right now. I'm no longer wanting to play this game. Tomorrow i want some honesty. I want to know how you feel. I want to know if its time to say goodbye or if its time to say hello.

N, i'm scared.

N, I hope i mean the world to you.

Chicken Soup

On my couch, with my tunes, with my quilt, willing the world away, staring at another world and slightly lightheaded.

Sometimes i push my body too far and just need to spend a few days relaxing and letting my body to recover. So its me, my apartment and some chicken soup.

Lately life has been going well. I;ve stopped being so negative about relationships, stopped living in the past and what a difference it has made.

I've made a concious effort to think of my man and only my man. To let my heart skip a beat when he walks in through that door and let him know i'm excited and happy to see him. I've just been myself and life has been beautiful.

This morning he held me in his arms and kissed me goodbye

So things have been going well lately with my man. Last weekend's indescretions had somewhat kickstarted some feelings in myself to stop hiding behind the safety net of dates and just to trust him and have faith.

Since then its been movies, its been running, its been challenging ourselves, its been cooking for him, making love and falling asleep in his arms.

Yes - things are lovely right now.

I miss my bestie

She flew away for two weeks on a worktrip to the USA to save the world one stemcell at a time. The thing is her absence makes me miss her. I miss our twenty emails a day of silly conversation around our lives. I miss gloating about how lucky we are and willowing about all that bothers us, while at the same time realising that none of our problems are actually problems at all.

I miss not being able to call her as she roams the world. I miss not having someone to call for no reason.

Sometimes friends are just a beautiful thing.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow

He's trying hard, he's making an effort and i can't wait to see him and give him a hug and look deep into his arms and hold that kiss for but a moment.

I can't wait to lie in his arms as we watch that movie, i can't wait to have a bite to eat afterwards while discussing the ways of the world and the little snippets of our lives that have become such a large part of one another.

I can't wait to tell him about my week, what i've been upto and all the crazy and wacky things that have made my day.

And now i'm getting sick

Woke up this morning with that feeling in my throat. Making it in to work it just starts getting worse, just a tad at the time. Two of the guys that work for me call in sick.

This is not looking good and i have a date with my man tomorrow night. Sipping on hot tea, herbal medicine, western medicine. Cold Cold, go away, never come back, not even for a day.

And i need to wash my hair, pamper myself. I can't wait to see him tomorrow. To have him hold me in his arms, to look deep into his eyes, for him to brush my hair gently to the side and for him to hold my hand.

So like every other time i almost get sick, lets just scare this away....

The wheels are in motion

So i'm thinking if i can run a 10 or 22km in 4 weeks time, and then a 22 in october, and then some intense trekking around patagonia in october, i'd be all ready to go for a 42 in New Yoke City.

On thinking positive

So someone made a comment the other day and i realised how negative i can be. I have always thought of myself as a glass half full person, heck even the type that would consider the glass to be brimming and about to tople over. But the thing is, that attitude is for my career where everything i touch seems to turn to gold.

So how about applying that same attitude to my love life. Instead of waiting for him to call and feeling anxious why don't i just assume he will and look forward to it, whenever it may happen. I only need to get into this disapointment if need be. At work i always catch myself in moments of doubt, reminding myself to stop this fortune telling behaiviour. How could i have been so blind not to see what i was doing to my personal life this whole life.

So the past few days i have been having a blast, catching myself in moments of negative thought. I've been busy, i've been running, I've been hanging out with friends, I've been shopping, I've been seeing my parents.

I feel on top of the world, mostly....

Its time to find another adventure

Hugging rabbits on the street playing guitar, good times over a dirty gin martini, the night meeting dawn in the city, midnight picnics.

Its time to throw it all in the air once more and leave the comfort of everything i know in search of adventure. Its time to do something once more.

Its time to submit that B-school app and seriously consider living in a castle for a year, its time to sign up for that marathon and its time to climb another mountain.

I've been kicking some serious goals lately

The other day when the men of the world were throwing tantrums and screaming out their lungs amidst a chaos and fire and later in empty apologies and group hugs following warnings from HR, i pitched out a cool, calm collected solution and i could just see the relief in the directors eyes.

He looked at me and asked, "what do you need me to do?" and i was like " Nothing, its pretty simple and under control".

And i realise that i have the expertise, the people skills and the influence the make the world spin. And i love it too, the adreline rush of making it all happen with speed and intensity.

And in the midst of it all i forgot to get upset by you. I know you have not called but then i was not expecting you to. At the back of my mind i still harbour feelings of fondness for you, but today i was just too busy making the world go round.

I still think of you though, just not as much and i'm not upset for some reason.

Group hugs aka networking sessions

There's been a few of those to come lately. The other night there was that networking session with about 10 CEO's and various upcoming leaders and high flyers. We got an inpirational talk on how to take over the world and a few tips and tricks to help us along the way. Afterwards it was drinks and nibbles while playing the corporate networking game.

Accidently ending up in a conversation with a man that runs half the world, i had nothing to say. I enter into random comments and conversations on developmentment loans vs venture capaital and glaze in and out of various conversations.

And then i met you. It turns out we did Mech eng back in the day around the same time. Perhaps we had passed each other by in those uni days. It turns out that you had considered moving to the outskirts of Paris to live in castle and do your MBA but that you had decided otherwise and committed to one on home ground. It turned out that you had gone to the states and started your own business and secured some venture capital and set up a successful business. It turns out that you returned when the business was running fine without you. Back home you found work on level 3. I am on level 2.

And it was so easy to tell you so much. How i traverse the world, about how i once moved a river, of how i once looked into getting rid of a hill. I told you about climbing mountains in the himalayas and shopping to my hearts content in Paris.

So really, this guy truly is my perfect man. On paper. One thing that disturbs me, especially as i feel this way is that he is Asian. And for some reason i have never been able to picture myself with an Asian man. Is this racism at its worst?  Why do i feel this way?

Either way i walked away feeling electrified. I loved the conversation, the drive, the confidence. If he was brown i would have falled staright away.  He still makes a partial bit of my heart race so its not game over yet.

And what about one once a week man? How do i feel about him?

Another best conversation in the history of the world

I was anxious all last week. A guy at work had done something i felt was just so unjust. I reacted and i felt the blood boil inside me and i felt on edge and anxious.

But somehow all that emotional intelligence training came to mind and i reaslised that i was feeling not quite right and that a chemical reaction was taking place in my head and that i wasn't about to do anything rational while i was feeling this way.

So instead of escalating or screaming back or picking up the call, i simply did nothing. I thought it was best to wait until i was feeling good again. I tried to figure out what experience in the past was making me predict some unfavourable future event which was making me feel so anxious.

And all weekend i was on edge. The weights sessions, the gym, that 10km run helped. It got to sunday and i had the perfect body again and i had so much adreline in me i felt like i was on top of the world. I messaged him to see if he wanted to come over and he did.

And while i'd been out with friends all weekend, i just couldn't get myself to let them know what was wrong. But i told him about the problem, about how i was waiting for rational thought and about how i was coping with it.  By that time i had a solution which was to escalate the issue so i told him that part too.

And he gave me an anecdote of how he was on the recieving end of a similar situation and some really simple advice. Why don't you just tell him? He will appreciate you not escalating and letting him have his say. Your manager and his manager don't need to waste their times solving silly problems.

And i consdered it. In my head i thought it would never work but committed to trying it. I let him know that i would take his advice.

And the next it all went so smooth. My explanation worked on the guy at work. I got my way, he apologised and i could feel that he felt grateful for me not escalating it. He felt bad for all the times he had escalated things on me. I was definitely a better person.

And after that conversation, that anxiousness was gone. I was on top of the world. My manager was impressed, all was impressed and i had kicked a serious goal.

Back in the day i thought i was always right. Part of growing older and wiser is realising that you don't have the answers and other peoples ideas should always be considered, no matter how wrong they may seem.

I got an executive compensation award and i thought it was SPAM

I always get caught by those phishing emails telling me i've won some lottery and to click here to collect my prize.  But this time i thought, Ha! Can't get me, i know its bull.

And a week later when i get asked why i don't want to accept my 5K of restricted stock options and stare blankly and mutter that its on my list of things to do.

So how did i get it? Will i get i every year?, Will it keep increasing? Have i made it? How do i continue to do whatever i did to get this?

So now i'm happy and excited.

I like him, i love him, i like him not, i love him not

I wonder how i feel about him? Am i scared? Do i question who he is? Am i simply too scared to get hurt? Do i miss him? Do i crave him?

Sometimes in the world of love, you just want your man to be honest. You want to fall in love in his arms and make love all night and wake up in his arms and have him squeeze you tight in the morning.

And instead he texts you a week after he last saw you, comes over for a DVD and sex, tells you about his big weekend out partying without you, jokes around while watching the amature movie, makes love to you while you fake an orgasm and he decides to eventually cum, an obligatory cuddle and then turns around and falls asleep.

And then you lay there feeling unsatisfied and cold, wishing to feel his arm around you like he used to. In the morning you wake up and try to touch him. He is asleep and refusing to even notice. You get out of bed, unsatisfied and emotionally empty. You get dressed and go to work.

You might here from him a week later.

Is it worth it?

Accidently dating an Alpha male

So when i first met him, he seemed so sweet and innocent. He was a young guy that seemed to be smitten by me. Soft, beautiful, considerate, charming and sweet.

But these days now that he has me and now that he lets his true self slip i realise he is my type after all.

The quintessential alpha male.

Dear John

I watched a movie tonight about timeless love. Dear John and the Notebook.

Of all the love you could have in the world, that is the one we aspire to. In the tragedy we cry at the missed moments. Of a love thats so real and true.

I crave to meet a man where my heart will race. That holiday romance that also lats forever. The man you meet on your tropical island and you can't even think about spending time away. 

Reality is hard. I watched Dear John and i couldn't figure out who dear John was. All the men of the past are no longer as apealing.

So there is R and G. Neither who are fairytale romances. Both men that hurt me occassionally.

Life is actually beautiful

And these little things i worry about are little blemishes on a magnificent sunset.

No he hasn't called but i know he will. He has done nothing wrong and the world is spinning a tad faster each time he does.

I'm just going to enjoy it for i am beautiful, i have an amazing life, a guy to dream about, friends and family that love me.

My life is perfect, really.

Lets not get so focused on this little blemish that i miss the sunset.

I wish i knew what i wanted

The thing is life is beautiful. Men are a plenty.

I get hurt by him.

The reality is that i don't know how he feels. I struggle to have conversations with men.

Am i overreacting? How do i learn to communicate better?

I'm disapointed in you

I wasn't expecting you to call.

If you had of though, i would have been ecstatic.

Your behaiviour is consistant.

I'm bad at communicating. I have tears down my eyes. I don't know how you feel. I don't know how i feel.

I would have loved to hear from you this friday or saturday night, the ultimate in the dating world. Yet you don't.

I'm not getting what i want from this. It's too much of a rollercoaster. I'm scared of getting hurt.

I think of G. I miss him. He know how to make me special. He also knew how to hurt me. I don't know what i want. It seems like its not you.

I need to see more passion from you. I need to feel that i am worth it.

Do you realise that you hurt me?

I'm afraid to have that conversation with you

For i am not sure of the answers either. I don't know what i want to ask for.

I want that fantasy love story where you just can't get enough of me. I know it takes two but i want it to come from within yourself. I want you to make yourself kind of the datable box and push all the other men out and make that box into a one man show. I want you to get to Friday and crave to see me. Right now i am a once a week romp.

Speaking to you about this could go in two ways. I could scare you off and then i will know for sure we are not meant to be, or you could reveal your true feelings and we will be on the way to exclusivity and becoming a real couple. I'm not sure if either is what i want in intensity.

I still harbour a hope that G and I may not be over. That there is some deeper connection i am meant to have with him in this lifetime.

For the moment i think i should let things be. Yes i could loose him altogether. But right now i don't think i am ready to make that move.

Yes i love him. I am falling for him. I wish he would want to see me more often. Its not enough for me to force it. I want a man that wants to make me feel special and wants to treat me like a princess. A double standard maybe................

Your the only one that did not call

So i have many a man calling me all friday and saturday night long, competing for my attention and that oh so hard to get date. And i consider then and i turn them down and they keep chasing even harder.

And then there's you. The man i want to be with. You get me when it's convenient for you.

I wonder why you do not call on a friday or saturday. As a man why you don't want to claim date night and me. Why you leave it open to chance for another man to enter my heart, take me out and move in on your space.

I'm scared to give myself to you, incase your playing games with my heart. No other man means as much but there is a little piece of self preservation in me that does not want to close any doors in case you hurt me. Right now i am hurt that you do not crave to see me. It hurts that my favourite part of being with you is waking up in your arms on a saturday or sunday and all you can spare is a late night romp during the week.

Is it the ups and downs with you that i crave? Is it the drama? The men that are right in front of me are making no mark.

I still think of another. Sometimes i think i should just let things be and let you decide i am worth it or not. But this is for another reason. For there is a man that stole my heart some time ago, and i have claimed back most of it, but he still has a tiny little spot and i harbour a little hope that he will call me up and offer to swoop me off my feet. And when he does make that call, i'll be free as you have not bothered to make me that special part of life.

Perhaps all i should do now is enjoy the moments and let life unroll.

I should stop playing these silly games

I know who i am in love with. Sometimes i think i should act like it.

I thought about him all last night.

I was on a date with a farmer boy tonight

And i ordered an eggplant moussaka and he questioned the fact that i had no meat in my meal. Usually i would too.

But thats what i wanted to eat tonight.

Am i just missing you?

Tonight i went on a date with an old flame

And it wasn't meant ot be so much fun. I kind of did it out of obligation and curiosity. I met up with him to be friends and keep it light.

But i enjoyed the conversations, his mannerisms, his availability and the conversation that flowed.

I got away early but not because i wanted to leave him. I was having fun and a tad confused with myself.

And the boy i am in love with did not bother to call. He slots me into the days that do not matter.

Life is odd sometimes. I have two men and i have none. Who know's how the world will turn out.

The hardest thing is that i just want one man. The one i have already. But i want him to tell me he loves me and see me on fridays or saturdays. To make me feel like i matter. To make me unavailable to such dates as tonight.

If i was with him tonight, i never would have gone on this date and i never would be reconsidering so many aspects.

I miss his arms around me

I wish i could fall asleep in his arms every night.

I love him, i trust him, i want him.

Its upto him to decide the same. I am his if all he wants is me. I would love to spend the rest of my life with him and no other.

I think we would be happy together. Powerful. The happiest couple in the world.

I'm in love with you babe. I hope you feel the same.

On meeting the man of my dreams

And last night was amazing. Our conversations, that gaze, the way we are entirely in tune with each other. The way i fall asleep in your arms, the way i can't get enough of you.

You are the man of my dreams. I am on cloud nine. You looked deep into my eyes and kissed me. You held me all night long. You swept my hair to the side.

Your my soulmate. I think i love you.

Perhaps it will be you and I forever....

and then you throw me a bone

A measly text and one whole world explodes in excitement. The tears are replaced by a smile. What is this rollercoaster i am on.

Why do i crave this high? Is the downturns worth it.

I think it may be. He was thinking of me. He messaged. He wants to see how i am. I can't wait to see him again.

If only i could remember this feeling when he goes MIA. If only i could bottle up this feeling and savour it another day for i am brimming with happiness.

Reality is that i will only be able to take this dating on for so long before it drives me crazy. I wonder what it is that he is feeling?

Why do i feel like crying

Love is a rollercoaster and sometimes i want out.

Last wednesday and thursday night i was on Cloud nine. He was paying attention and i felt loved and wanted and beautiful. Five days on, i have not heard a thing more and i am down in the dumps.

Crying my eyes out. Not sleeping. Wondering. Watching my phone.

I hate this. Perhaps relationships are just not meant for me. Its just too hard.

Perhaps this waiting game is stupid. Perhaps all of it is just stupid.

A lovers show down. Or does he just not care. This is so like him. From the day i met him. I have never let him know it upsets me. I don't want to feel too needy.

I hate this feeling.

Reaching for the sun in my downward spiral

When he calls or sends me a message my heart skips a beat. Yet when he goes quiet for many a day or a week i fall into an abyss of darkness. Not sleeping, anxious, dreaming of him running off with someone else.

I need to stop being so scared. Sit back. Enjoy life. Wait for him to make his next move.

Today i went for a run. I felt better. I tried to understand my feedling. The past hurts that are making me feel this way.

I feel a little better. I understand the world a little better.

I am still learning but i will survive.

I'm scared you will break my heart

I didn’t here from you all weekend. I miss you. I am looking at my phone wishing you would think of me and call.
I’m scared.

I'm afraid to give you my heart incase you stomp all over it and then throw it away.

I miss my man

And he is mine. I can't wait to hear from him.

These silly games we play are not really needed. We are both in love.

His smile makes my day. His touch melts my heart. I could fall asleep in his arms for an eternity. I crave to wake up to his hug.

Locking lips, locking hands, locking eyes.

With you it feels like i am on cloud nine. Life is perfect.

One day i'll fly away

I am falling in love with a man. Dear G, one day i'll fly away and you will be too late for another is entering my heart.

I thought it would be you and i in eternity, reliving the ecstacy of a history we have both shared. I still feel you close. I still feel i know you. You have walked away and i keep thinking you will look back at me. You never seem to though.

There is not much time left in this lifetime for I am about to give my heart to another. Another soulmate where life will be blissful and perfect.

This is your last chance for now. What say you?

I'm scared

The other day i was on cloud nine. I had seen you that wednesday night and it was wonderful. I could see the attraction in your eyes. The care for my by the gentle way you held me.  The way you pay attention to who i am.

Then you messaged and we kept at it back and forth. I was all smiles for you. I still am.

Its just another weekend has passed and you have not called to see me. There are some nights that are more special than others. You do not want to see me during those times. The best times with you are waking up on a saturday or sunday morning in your arms and cuddling and looking deep into your eyes.

I'm scared to make a move because of every other man i have dated that had disapeared when i did make that move.

Its that fragile moment. I'm scared. We are standing still.

So he texts me, seven days later

Its just that its been seven days. And you did not think of me during the week or feel that urge to hang with me over the weekend. You've become complacent, hanging out on sundays with a moments notice.

Or perhaps there is someone else in your life and you just slotting me in. I think this is not the case. My insticts tell me this is not the case.

I think this time i will make you sweat it out a bit.  I don't feel like seeing you anyway. Not today. I have other things to do.

I never envisaged my perfect man to be him

My perfect man has always been the D's and G's of the world. Those incredibly driven and powerful men who seem to think they own the world. The type of man by which the world bows down and follows.

With that power comes a certain level of ruthlessness. A little carelessness when it comes to ones own feelings. Will i ever even be good enough for these men?

And then i met you. Light, carefree, young, enthusiastic. You are a go getter in your own way.

Sometimes i wonder about a future for us. I smile when i think of you. Even when you hurt me by not calling. I think that perhaps you are more realistic. The type of person one can build a lifetime of trust and love with.

So what do you say? Is it you and I against the world?

A feeling of sadness

With all matters of the heart life is one big rollercoaster. Right now i'm on that downward path, approaching steadfastly what i hope will be a thrilling experience.

I haven't heard from him all week. I seem to have turned into a mere thought at the end of your weekend.  What i love most about us, is how we can wake up in each others arms on a saturday or sunday morning and cuddle and make love and watch the world awake.

Some moments are magic.

This morning i had not heard from you. You were in my thoughts. I went for a walk and i kept looking at my phone, willing my attention to eventuate into a text from you. The things is i feel sad.

I feel sad for every relationship that did not work. For every relationship that never quite made it. For all the moments where i have stared at my phone willing a man to call.

Sometimes i wonder why i take part in this dance. Perhaps the world is not about you and I.

Or should i just leave things as they are?

For i am in love with two men. One slightly more than you but i have not heard of him.

Perhaps i should just wait and see. Who deserves my attention.

Just as you are not commiting to me, neither am i?

Your in my thoughts. A lot. So is he.

I can sense the difficulty of a decision that is looming in my life.

It will be you and I. I'm just not sure who you are just yet.

Ignorance or Bliss

Am i making a mountain of a molehill?

He texts me once a week, usually on a sunday to see if i am free to catch up. We have a wonderful time, we do something, we have sex, he stays over and then nothing until the next week.

When we are together life is beautiful.

Am i letting him get away too much. Am i making things bland by being available? Perhaps this weekend i will simply disapear?

I can't stop thinking of you

Your in my day dreams, your on my mind, you make me smile.  I simply can't wait to see you again, hold your hand, look into your eyes and lie in your arms.

I think your wonderful.

Am i learning lessons in love

There were moments with us where i felt you slip away, yet i was patient for many a week. Perhaps the secret is to be patient for all men will come around if they truly love you.

What will be, will be. And i hope to meet the man of my dreams, whoever he may be.

Is it R, Is it G, Is it somebody else?

The first overseas trip I say no to

So i'm supposed to head to South Korea and for the first time in my life i find myself trying to get out of this. Its a changing of the tide. I recall two years back when i just wanted to travel the world. These days its getting a bit much and i crave for my life in Melbourne. I start not wanting to head overseas on these all expense paid five star business trips.

The reality of working 24/7 in a timezone not your own gets to you. As you get older and take on more responsibility, you can't quite get away from it all.

You are in my daydreams

And today at work there were moments where i could not stop thinking about you. i could almost feel your touch. I felt so happy. I couldn't wait for you to touch me again. Sometimes i close my eyes and try to feel you near.

Your gorgeous babe.

A bunch of suits talking philosophy

So last night we were squashed into a vintage counch and a few stools and sat drinking cheap beer and talking of plato and his cave and the existential nature of words out of context, just as if we were poor starving uni students.

Except that we were all decked out in suits and designer gear, blackberries beeping and all had PA's.

How we have changed, how we have not. Some moments are magic and last night was one of them.

It makes me smile to hear from you

It just does. I am beaming.

Perhaps you are my fairytale in the sky.

The other night as i lay in your arms

I had a feeling of security i have not felt for a while. I knew you would be here in my bed awhile. That you would be back. That i could reach over and touch your body and explore and kiss you where ever i felt like and that you would touch me back.

I love the effection that we share. I love how i can look into your eyes. This is a special moment.

I smile when i think of you. Right now i miss you. I long to feel your touch, hear you voice, see your smile.

Baby, i am falling in deep for you....

Are you playing games with me?

Yesterday i stepped out of my comfort zone and decided to test the waters of my heart. I sent you a message. Twenty Four hours later i have still not heard anything.  I'm retreating to the city, saying goodbye to that ocean and building up the barriers around my heart.

There is no need for concern, i know you will be back in my life. There is a feeling of trust i have with you. I just wish you could be more considerate. I wish i had the confidence to risk losing you. To open up and get mad at you every now and then.

I step out, i get hurt, i take ten steps back.

I will simply not call you for a long time coming. I will wait patiently on the sidelines for you.

Perhaps this is it

I'm really enjoying your company. You make me feel so special. Most of all, that anxiousness from the past is gone. I feel like your the man i can trust.

So different to many a man that came before.

Your not my usual type but perhaps this is how i have been going so wrong.

Your a gentleman and you make me feel special. I barely think of the other's these days, it seems they are well and truly in the past.

Your delicious.

I can't wait to kiss you

tomorrow

I'm starting to feel like your my man

I woke up next to you the other day and didn't wonder about never seeing you again and weather or not i should savour the moment because there may not be another time. I did not hesitate to touch you the way i wanted and to kiss you just in case you would feel i was needy. And you responded like for like with just a gentle squeeze of my hand.

Your beautiful. I love what we are together. We are learning about each other. I long to touch you again. I will get my chance tomorrow.

I love how you hold me, i love how you hold my hand as we walk down the street, i love how you can't keep your hands off me, i love how you kiss me.

The end of an era

Today i wandered around Borders for what may be the very last time. It was an administrators sale and everything, even the bookshelves were up for grabs. I have fond memories of wandering around, letting my mind discover all it could. That feeling of flicking through a book, the smell of fresh paper and the curiosity for other peoples lives.

It dawned on me that with all the online stores and ipads and technology that book shops will become a thing of the past. That whole generations will grow up not knowing this feeling of wandering through books. That libraries will become learning centres with the internet and couches and wifi connectivity.

The world is changing. A moment of sadness while i stop for a moment to ponder before joining the world once more.

Perhaps you and I are meant to be?

Dear D, or R, or R or G or D.....

Yes we may one day work out. You make me feel attractive, wanted and like i deserve to be loved. You have so much confidence in my ability.

Perhaps we are just meant to be?

who knows.....

KKKK

That feeling of exhileration

I was at work today and a massive deal came in and i got excited and i thought i knew something and then i did know something.

It was going to be an immense amount of work but i wanted to do it. I felt that rush and i wanted to keep working at it. No one was asking, no one even knew how to do it. I want to do it. I would love to make it happen.

I love that feeling. The sense of achievement. I genuinely get a buzz out of it.

Sometimes it scares me. The lack of focus on my social life. Or that i can get such a buzz and feel happy about something so material and not so soft.

Should i be focusing my efforts on a man?

Its friday night

And these days i'm not out all the time. My friends are few and far between. With each coming day, one by one, they get engaged, married, settle down, have kids and disappear off the face of a friday night.

Once a long time ago i recall having tens and hundreds of friends on a friday and saturday night, even on a thursday and a sunday.

These days i still have fun. I am a lot more confident and beautiful. But there is also many a night when i am sitting all alone in my wonderful apartment.

I have a man these days, but even he is too busy for me some nights....

Why momentary fairytales that eventually shatter your heart can be a good thing

For all the risks i have taken, for all the moments where my heart has been broken, for all those times i thought i was in love even though i only knew you for a second, a minute, barely a day.

All the men that were fireworks in the sky and oh so shortlived.

I thank you now for i have met a great man. And he is not fireworks in the sky. He is gentle and holds me so lovingly.

I fall asleep in his arms knowing he will be there in the morning.

Lovely.

When you know you've got it

So i was cooking dinner or my man in a red flowy dress that clung to my curves just perfect, gave that sneaky yet alluring peak at my great leg which were only just elongated by those gorgeous brown boots.

I'd just been to the gym, been for my run, feeling exhilerated, perfect grooming, had washed my hair and let it shine on.

He couldn't resist. Kissing me occasionally, not able to keep his hands and eyes off me and i cooked, longing in his eyes for me. He couldn't wait to finish dinner so he could have me for desert. And in his world i was a melting pot of hotness.

Confident as i've ever been. Looking better than i can recall before.

Making love so gently with him. He just couldn't stand it anymore......

Perhaps deep down i am in love

He's not the typical man i go for. But he holds me so tender, he makes me happy, he makes me feel wanted and i crave his company.

I feel that our differences are such that we can both learn from each other. I admire and respect him.

I also trust him.

I believe in him.

I think he makes a wonderful man.

the correlation between dating a man and a perfect body

Its not that i don't love myself or that i am trying to please him. I love wandering around in front of my man n my underwear, sporting that perfectly toned body.

And i;m not sure if i am just lucky or super motivated but its not that hard to have that perfect body. A few heavy weights sessions a week, a ten to fifteen km jog is all it takes. Occasionally watching what i eat but the thing is, i work damn hard exercising when i am seeing a man. And i feel all the better for it all of the time.

I feel more confident around him but more so i love my body, i love myself, i feel happier with the adreline rush, my skin is smoother.

If i need a man to motivate myself to be better then so be it.

Its been a while

I haven't held onto a man like this one. Its nice when we are together. He is affectionate, chivalrous, a little bit cheeky and has that boyish way about him. I feel like a younger self (not that I'm old but you know). Its silly and its fun and its adult and its gentle and i love looking into his eyes and falling asleep in his arms.

The other day we fell alseep together and i looked over and i thought we will not last. That you were a short term thing. I just felt in my heart that it would not be a forever.

So if you never call (i know you will), i will not push it. If you call i will be here. This is a time to enjoy each others company, revel in some childish fun together and let the sparks speak for themselves.

There are moments where i feel in love. Like when you held me so gently at the movies and kissed my forehead. The way you get excited at the first moment we are alone and can't keep your hands off me.

I like that. I like you a lot.

:)

We crossed paths but i don't think you realised

It was a funny feeling. You were crossing the road and i was walking by. You kept crossing the road, i looked down at my phone for a conversation and kept on track. We were within meters and seconds of each other and we passed each other by. I saw you. Perhaps you saw me. The reality is that, we know how and where to find each other in real life and we choose not to.

We live in two different worlds. It was pity that for a moment in time, we felt some fireworks and now they are dead.

When i saw you, my heart did not race.  I could see how i may have been attracted to you and perhaps i still could be, but for this moment in time, it was not to be.

I didn't feel any passion as you crossed the road in front of me. In fact i was thinking of my new beau.

Such is life....

Just a little bit sad

Or maybe a lot sad.

The thing is, two weekends have passed and you have not wanted to spend any of it with me. You fit me in during the week when you have a moment.

Its not really what i want. I feel tempted to just disappear.

Sometimes i cry.

Your remind me of a younger self. I don't know what this means.

I don't know anything sometimes.

Truly, madly, deeply. I want to fall in love. I want to look into your eyes and see that you love me. I would love to depnd on you and feel on top of the world. I want to love you so deeply and feel like it will never end. I want to stop feeling scared of getting hurt and living life in the sidelines. I want better judgement.....

I need to drop her

There are some fundamental flaws which i just cannot accept.

It makes me feel repulsive. Her attitude and the way she is so judgemental and dismissive of people disgusts me. Makes the hair's on my neck crawl.

I just need to drop her.

what is a soulmate?

I turn thirty this year.

My mad rush to have found my way in life and love has disappeared. I won't be married by thirty. I have no line of sight to.

I don't even know what love is these days and if a soul mate exists. I've fallen for mens in exotic moments, fairy tales so out of reality that thats all that will always be. Moments of temporary happiness and excitement that is essential to the every element that makes the world spin.

I am seeing a boy these days. I'm scared and happy at the same time but twice removed. If he leaves tomorrow and never calls back, i may shed a tear or two barely, but life will go on.

The best thing about your first love is the ignorance that it will never end.

The worst thing about wisdom and experience is knowing that its not the end of the world and that you can survive.

Sometimes i just feel empty. I wish i could just take a risk and tell him i love him and not worry about the dire mistakes i am repeating and the lessons that i have learnt with all the times it did not work.

I am growing older but the wonder of the world at large and fairy tale romance is fading into the shadows.

Savoring moments of magic

Its that dating game, not quite committed but neither looking the other way.

Most times i feel good, sometimes i question it all.

Deep down i really like him. I smile when i think of him. 

Fairy tales are difficult to live up to

Have i had too many moments that take my breath away. Too many men that make fairytales come alive.

You come along seemingly normal. Calling after eight days and all i am is disappointed for you not turning out to be a prince charming.

Yes - i wish you were another man.

Insecurity

I feel hurt. I really do. I trusted him and let him into my life. I needed to hear from him the next day to say he had a wonderful time with me. I waited patiently. He messages after eight days with something lame. Nothing to even hint that he has fallen in love with me.

I'm hurt. I have tears in my eyes. The man of my dreams would not treat me like this. It sets a precedence.

Every man in my life has hurt me to date. He is no different. The tears are streaming down now. I tried to trust you. and i did. I let myself. And you ignored me.

I don't trust my best friend. I don't trust you. I hate you all.

Sometimes i just want to run away. I'm too scared of getting hurt again. Are you worth it? Can i trust you. The answer is no. 

And he finally messaged

Sometimes with men you just need to sit and wait while they put you through hoops. Perhaps even let them simmer for a slight moment.

he finally messaged. I still haven't.

I'm just a little more cautious. The wall sneaking up a tad.

I think i still like him. Perhaps, maybe...

Feeling a little bit deflated

Not sure why he can't call to let me feel special. Tell me that he's thinking of me.

Perhaps its all over.

Not sure if i am over reacting

The other day when you said goodbye, you held onto my arm ever so gently and said you would call. All night you held me so gently. You told me i didn't have to do anything i didn't want to.

You won me over. All week i have been thinking of you. I have been falling asleep in your arms each night in my own imaginary world. I wake up thinking about you.

Yet i hear nothing from you. Did it mean nothing to you?

Its so hard to trust a man. It makes me cry. Sometimes you think of all that could be, and believe in it so truly.

I'm starting to like him. He seems to be fading away.

Even the nicest of men can hurt

I gave him a blow job on saturday morning. Its thursday night and i've still not heard from him.

Perhaps he is just not into me.

fresh out of the packet

There are merits in dating a younger man. So he's not so Young being just three years the other way but add my overly mature self and his oh so cute fresh out of the packet innocence, it feels a tad more that three years apart.

So sweet and lovely, blurting out the truth and effectionate to boot. Hasn't quite been jaded by the women of the world, not sure what he wants in life and a little lost while at the same time not wanting to place any roots anywhere. Reminds me of a younger self who wanted to explore the world and kept running in out of the worlds of building lifelong connections and exploring the infinite possibilities of life. 

Its refreshing to be with someone like that again.

A Spectator in someone else's life

Sometimes i watch other peoples lives flow by, mildly curious about the mundane nature of what makes the world spin. Becoming a manager i get snapshots of other peoples lives, little problems and get to watch other peoples conversations.

So simple yet sometimes so beautiful. A sense of reality that its not all about big wild dreams but the little everyday pieces of this world that matter.

Goodbye to an Ex from long ago

I thought i had got over him a very long time ago. Its been about 6 years since we were an item. So much time has passed. He moved on. I moved on. We catch up a couple of times a year and it feels like no time has passed.

The thing is, all these years i kept thinking if the time arose, that we could somehow make it work.

This last catch up was different. I was listening to him thinking we have nothing in common. He wanted to go to the states and check out history and architecture, he wanted to play two up on Anzac day and couldn't wait to get to that footy match. I wanted to climb mountains, go rock climbing, spend Anzac day with my family.

We could not be more different from each other.

Its funny how sometimes you look back and you notice these things where that whole other time you thought you were a perfect match.

And on that thought i cast my insights onto a more recent G. What was it that made me feel we were perfect for each other. A man that spend all his time working and the latter partying with his buddies. We didn't have deep conversations or moments of spark. I was always hoping he would be impressed by me, trying to be a member of the status quo and fit in.

A fairy tale wedding

Its been an emotional weekend with the wedding of the century playing out just last night. True love, intermingled with life in the clouds, patience and royalty.

I look at Kate and i will never be her. I want to be a CEO and have an empire before me. I am not one to bow down to my man and give myself away to start a family and support my man through his endeavor's.

I'll watch this fairy tale play our with wonder and yearning. But thats all it will be, a fairytale.

Even given the chance i would turn another way. 

My moment to shine is here

I no longer feel lost about getting older, being single.

Its a matter of confidence, being comfortable with oneself.

Sure i am not married yet. But if i had of been my life would be vastly different. I may not have such a career, time to follow my dreams and climb my mountains, flying off on a whim. I may have kids or be thinking about it.

There are certain men that would have lead to kids.

The thing is i am happy with what i have achieved and if i had of played it any other way, i would have a different life in front of me. The thing is i want to meet a man that will love me, but i want to do it my way. Children are optional and my dream life involves a loving man while still being able to hop on and off of planes at a whim, changing the world one step at a time.

The new him

Down to Earth, Kind, assured, chivalrous, full of wonder

Sometimes i just don't feel like writing

And this past few months have been one of those. Lots is going on. I got a promotion, new challenges and i got over some other men and i met some new men and rekindled some old friendships. I strengthened existing ties with my parents and close friends.

I was on a date the other night and the question was raised about what i would change about myself if i could. I had to think long and hard for there was not much in my life that needed changing. I've always felt my love life is the only empty space in my life but when your on a date in the arms of a gorgeous man who is looking adoringly into your eyes, even that no longer holds up.

I have no real problems and i feel confident and like i am in my element. Things are going well, I'm more confident that i have ever been and i am living in the moment these days. There are next steps and the world to conquer but there is no more uncertainty. I have got to where i want and this is the time to enjoy the fruits of my labour and all the hardwork and learnings along the way.

Breaking down barriers

Yet they get higher and higher. I live who lifetimes in my mind.

I miss the touch of another. I miss crying and laughing. I miss depending on someone else.

I wish i could open up.

Sometimes it feels like i have made all the right decisions

I'm in one of those leadership positions where i get a sneak preview into other peoples lives. Where my influence is more than that to be expected of a mere mortal.  Sometimes i read someones elses resume or hear about anothers life and their regrets and aspirations.
Then i think back to my own life, how i have somehow managed to make all the right decisions. I've managed to be at the right place at the right time.
I've met a boy i have a crush on also. Everything is just going my way.