When you know you have it

So i turned upto his bbq the other day in that casual chick yet ultra cool and stylish outfit. Low on makeup, high on style without being too made up.
I got along with your friends and was a world of class and fun.

And you treated me like a princess.

And i have noticed.

And now your on my mind and i can't stop thinking about you.

Do you remember when we were young

Many many years ago, eyes bright, starlight, we embarked on a journey into the world. I was looking through photo's of those days. When we were nobodies on a life journey. We knew we would all become something special but had the tenderness and innocence of young lifes and love.

We were on a journey together and the best university in the land. We were to become lawyers, doctors, engineers and investment bankers. The pot of gold was a given and we were there to have a good life. Remember the soccer games and the drinking on south lawn, remember the rnb nights and the cultural shows.

We knew we were lucky. We knew we would make it. I sometimes think thought that these days we have exceeded the expectations anyone had of us. We are a confident bunch, always were.

And looking back at that photographs i see the youth and innocence in out eyes. Life is awesome these days. We are all somebodies traversing the world, decked in designer gear, owning out own property portfilio's and playing the stockmarket.

Yet i see a certain glimmer in our eyes in the photographs of yesterday that capture the glint of what may come. The wonder of not having lived but knowing you will.

That delicious feeling of falling in love .. slowly

So this morning i put a tad extra effort into the way i looked. And i felt excited everytime our eyes met. The electricity between us growing and growing.

Its nice to be thinking of you.

Yes, I am falling for you. Your kindness and generosity. The way you treated me the other day was lovely. The type of man every girl wants to be with.

I can't stop smiling.

Could i be with a white man

Sometimes in my morerebellious moments i thought i would end up with a white man. Almost fantasized about it. The allure of what i can't have, what won't have me...

And now there is a man that may be a forever. I keep thinking that he is not brown. There is a man so wrong for me that i feel so comfortable lying in his arms.

Could i spend a lifetime with him?

Another him

Perfect gentlement, chivalrous, successful, Stoic, Perfect?

Do i want to settle down and have kids

It seems like it is time in life to start thinking about the future. I don't want to neccesarily have kids and the whole hoohah but i do crave having a man to love me and cherish me.

I meet men and i fall for them. I meet others and feel scared to enter into something because they may love me forever.

There are two men in my life right now that are seriously thinking of me as marriage material. What do i feel?

Can i see him in my future

Lately i've been meeting men that want to settle down. The thing is, its a different game and these are men you do not want to jump straight into bed with. They are the men thinking about their forever's.

Am I ready to settle down? At times i;m convinced of this as i get with a guy thats not ready for this and crave that he was. Why not make life easier by actually dating the men that are looking for a girl to make their world.

Baby steps. Who will it be?

A spark reignited

So a very long time ago i went on a date with a man, and then he got busy and never made the time to turn up for another date, and then he suddently was available amoungst his sudden cancellations but by that stage i had moved on, forwards and onwards with my life.

And then he reappeared in my life, at work. Awkward.

But as time moved on i like his sttention, the flirtations and the little bit of excitement.

And today we got a chance to talk. It was a little bit more that i would have let happen. And your still keen. And i think i like you.

Its funny, you meet a man thats madly in love with you and all you want to do is move slower to explore things. Then you meet a man that is just not into you and all that you wish for is that he would call and dote on you 24/7.

But i'm excited by this man. Slightly scared because he is looking for the real thing. The complications of an office romance in the mix for good measure.

Lets see where life will lead...

Goodbye sweet romance

It’s one of those funny feelings. If I had of kept going, so would you of. We could have kept going for years on end. No real depth, a little bit of mediocrity mixed with a longing to be with somebody.

I walked away because I wanted more. Your actions or lack thereof has affirmed my view of you. Doing the absolute minimum to get by leading a semi content yet insignificant existence. Your not reaching for the stars and I applaud your ability to be happy with the status quo.

And then I can’t blame you for anything. You were always just yourself. I on the other hand was living fairytales in my mind. I was projecting what I want out of life and what I want in a man onto yourself in false pretense. You and I were never going to be a match if I had of had my eyes wide open.

Sometimes we get caught up in the first flushes of lust disguised as a to be love and are blinded to the reality which is right before us.  Goodbye sweet romance, to falling asleep in your arms and waking up and feeling the warmth of another.

We were never to be….

A social experiment in being more attentive

So sometimes when i first start seeing somebody i start avoiding their calls, missing them altogether, sending meaningless messages back in text or not at all. And then a few weeks later when the tables are turned i crave that attention.

So this time i am going to answer his calls, his texts and pretty much be responsive and attentive.

A sudden bout of self realisation

I was on a date last night and i almost felt like i was dating myself. And i didn't entirely like it but could tolerate it. I wonder if this is what men think when dating me.

So i was with a guy that could not stop talking about himself and his work and how fabulous he was and occasionally he would shout out a question to me but never really drilled back onto anything or made me comfortable enough to eleborate.

He noticed i said "fair enuf" a lot and now i notice myself saying it all the time and thats not even a word which has value.

Its scary to meet someone like that. But sometimes you meet people along the way to learn life lessons.

I deleted you and you did not even notice

I'm a little hurt you didn't. But i guess thats the truth right in my face.

Thank you, goodbye!

(I'm a little bit sad hat we spent so much time together and cannot salvage a friendship out of this.)

Throwing shit at the wall and hoping some of it sticks

Thats sometimes how i feel about my dating life. I struggle to define what i want, fall for the wrong men, have incredible times and indispicable lows.

Life is still fun and games. I think i crave for comfort and security yet i search for excitment and good times. Then i wander why i don't find what i am looking for.

I am approaching thirty. Do i really want to settle down? Why do i keep shunning the men that want me and respect me and want to treat me like a princess? Why do i keep falling for the lazy jerks that do not care if i shed a tear or not?

Perhaps deep down i am not ready. Perhaps deep down i need to get a grip on myself and learn some life lessons in appreciating and falling for the men that love and respect you back.

No that gorgeous multi millionaire who has ten million girls begging for even a glance isn't going to fall head over heels and come begging for my love and effection..

a little bit confused and all over the place

Emotions running amock.

One moment i miss you, the way you smile, the way you kiss me and hold me, the way i fall asleep in your arms and make love. The way you hold my hand.

And at other moments i hate you for not loving me, for not calling me, for not  making me feel like a princess.

And then there are other men.

The one from work that treats me oh so well, that wants me to bits, that respects me. The man i can see myself spending a lifetime with. The man i can see respecting me forever.

Then there is another with a slight more forbidden touch or an element of elusiveness. Too outspoken, lacking in emotional intelligence but the sexual chemistry from being an alpha make more than enought to keep my interest.

So good bye to the lazy man thats not worth it. Hello to you, whoever you may be...

On letting go of a friend

Sometimes i am so happy and she says whatever she can to make me come down. Its jealousy at its worst.

I still depend on her as a friend. Perhaps i need to distance myself a bit at times.

I have a lovely life, lovely friends, lovely family, lovely career. She just needs to a small part of it all. I should not make her a huge part as i have.

To make a move or not

I'm wandering what i can do. I like him. I want to have endless conversations with him and make him my world. Many months ago he offered to come down to my city and spend the weekend with me. I told him not to, that we should wait until we happen to be in the same city. And now i want to give it ago and i want that dedication and see if he feels the same and to give it a real go.

How do i get back what once was mine and i never took?

On two men

So there are two men that are potentials right now, each with their own sense of incredibleness. Each so right for me.

Genuine, ambitious, driven, self-assured, wanting the best in everything

And the other, daggy, successful, down to earth, desperate, searching for a soulmate

And both have their sights on me.

Which way will i turn?

Summer of...

The other night we were all out drinking, laughing, dancing. Its friday night in the city and we have been friends for much of time. Without the complications of a relationships, with the trust between friends, every friday night is fun and games.

There we were in that elysive bar down a rampaged set of stairs, sipping on a dirty gin martini discussing phillophy in the cave and stratergies for taking over the world and the role we play in it all.

Life is fun. What more do we need.

Its beautiful to have a group of friends like this. I tend to think this is the reward for staying put in one place.

Looking onwards and forwards into the future

It's that time again where life is all about possibilities and I am free as a bird.

It's that wonderful yet poignent and sad feeling that you met a man that you thought could be amazing together, and then you realise he isn't in fact who you thought he was and that he is in fact incapable of giving me what i want and need. You realise that it's not you and that its not him, its just that we are two very different people and to make it work is to try and fit a square peg into a round whole. I smile at the goodtimes that have been but i smile at the possibility of opening my heart once more to meet someone amazing.

And its that time of year again when there is no one on my mind. Only time will tell as to who will come my way.

Thankyou goodbye

You may call, but perhaps you never will.

Do i even reallu need to tell you its over if you actually never call? Does it matter?

It matters not. All that matters is that i have said my goodbyes.

Life is fun

The 2011 launch of the spring/summer party with our good friends was amazing and is setting the stage for all of the season. Its fun, its light hearted, a little bit mischevious and a little bit of caring.

We are good friends, the inside jokes are amazing and the subtle bits of sexual chemistry from accidently making a move on a friend from years gone by adding that touch of debauchery to make it all interesting.

What can i say? Its fun, it's lovely and its definitely not boring....

The ups and downs of making a decision

Its funny. I woke up feeling flat. I wandered around the market today with tunes in my head, head held high and turned many a head. I felt great. And then all of a suddden i would feel flat again.

The things is, today was the day to make a decision.

I have decided to drop him. Maybe still an occassional catch up after work but that would be all. He's not the man i want in the long term, he isn't the type of man capable of giving me what i want. He is a distraction, standing in the way of what i really want.

So today i thought long and hard, i went for my wander and my run and have decided that this ship has sailed. Sometimes good things must come to an end to make way for something fabulous.

Feelig a little down

Not so switched on today. Had a busy weekend full of friends. Seeing my family shortly.

It all seems so perfect on the surface. I just feel down. A little bit betrayed. A little bit incomplete.

Will i ever meet my alpha male

I look at what i need in a man and in relaity, he needs to keep up with me.

He needs to be driven and motivated and successfull with the ability to have conversations that challenge me intellectually and transcent time. I want to be with someone that feels like they can make the world spin.

And i want this, because thats what i am like. I want my equal or more. I want to see motivation and that desire to do everything in life brilliently. I want someone who sees success as a right rather than an aspiration.

Does such a man exist?

Perfection

I woke up the other morning and thought to myself, i don;t wish to change a single part of my body. Any skinnier and i'd be too bony and anything bigger just would not work.

I liked the way my clothes fit, the smile on my face and the way i looked in general.

The running, the weights sessions and motivation to physically push myself time and time again helps.

It's nice to wake up some days and not want to be anyone else than me and think yourself perfect...

Pride vs Honesty

How should it work?

I've been burnt by so many men in the past that i barely make a move these days. Wait in the sidelines time after time for a man to make it all happen. The reality is that, perhaps i need those days again where i was happy for it all to be mutual.

That me. That's authenticity.

I miss him. Perhaps tomorrow i should tell him.

Or do i wait on the sidelines for him to contact me once more?

Its a tough call. Do i walk away on the basis that he is not intersted or try to find out what the reality is? Has he made it clear already and am i living a fantasy or fairytale in my mind to think he is even interested?

Deep down, i like him and wish for his call and touch. I think he could be the man of my dreams....

To the man of the moment

If you happen to send me a note tomorrow:

Het stranger, haven't heard from you in a bit.  I know where I stand with you and have barely heard from you after what i thought was a few great nights together.

If you have the guts to make a phone call and want something more than an occasional romp call me. Otherwise thankyou,goodbye.

I'm being defensive

The reality is that i like him and i wish he felt the same. All other things are fluff.

Sometimes my fabulousness is enough to get me through and make me ecstatically happy that i sometimes forget that i truly deeply want him to be my man.

But love cannot be caught. It is shared by two souls in love. It needs to be mutual.

I can wait patiently.

Only time will tell

He hasn't contacted me for over a week. Not even a quick hello. Neither have i.

I guess this is no surprise. No telling of where we stand. I wonder what is going on in his head? Will he eventually think of me?

Part me thinks this is all very innocent. Partially being busy with life, starting a new job and figuring out what he wants in life. Partially a test of time to see how clingy i am and partially just wandering if i do in fact like him.

I've waited this long. I know where i stand. I can wait a bit more.

Besides i have a date on tuesday night with a man thats not you.

I like you but i have given myself to you and you were not sure. I'm keeping this 50/50.

Everything is perfect

I look in the bank account and find more money. I buy property on a whim and have somehow skipped that stage of not having enough money to get into property. I've laughed in the face of adversity and for some reason being in a ethnic minority or female hasn't really held me back. I've never focused on equality becuase it was more important to win and be more than everyone else.  Emotionally i understand myself and am learning to open up and let others in.

I turn thirty in a few months. I think the rollercoaster of my twenties is coming to an end and i have laid the foundations for a beautiful life.

Feeling content

Last night we headed to celebrate the start of spring at a funky bar which feels like home and those good old friends we have got to know so well.  Drinking, dancing, chatting and laughing, joking over nothings and musings on philosophy. 

And i met a man in all this too, flicked him my number and he's already messaged this morning.

And that man i am sort of seeing, well he got an occasional thought but i wasn't expecting a call and i had no guilt for i know where i stand and he is strangely consistant in his actions. And i almost deleted him from my life and stopped short of a friend pointing out that all was good and there was no need to.

But the thing is spring is here and its time for new beginnings. Let the games begin for another season!

Its hard to know what i should do

Do i drop him or keep trying?

Is my want of something spectacular somewhat of a fantasy?
Are men and women really that different?

I recall the days of being with a man that wanted to speak to me every night. I wish i could meet someone to feel that way about me once more.

R, you are lovely but you don't leave me so secure. I wonder whats going through your mind? Are you waiting for some affirmation from me or do you simply not care?

Communications is key.

Five words to describe him in retrospect

Lazy, warm heart, mediocre, young, unsure of what he wants in life

On reclaiming myself

I think it takes me a little while to let go. I've become more mature and not as reactive. I feel that i opened up to you and gave you all that i had but that your just not ready for it. I tried to hold onto it as well but i see things pretty clearly.

I just take time to let go.

And i don't hate you. We are just at different places in life. I just slowly start seeing you as a friend and not as a lover.

Tomorrow night is the start of spring. Its time to party with my best friends. The weekend is full of friends, sports and enjoying life in the most livable city in the world. 

There will be no time to wait for a call from you that never comes.

And the reality is i am thinking of others. Not anyone in particular per se. Just that craving to open my heart up to a summer of love with someone new. I'm a little stronger, a little more emotionally open and have learnt a few more lessons and love myself a tad more than i did before.

Most of all i am smiling and happy.

I want

I want to be in one of those relationships where i can't get enough of my man. Where i want to hear his voice each day and what he has been upto. I want to miss him when we are apart and look deeply into his eyes when we are together and feel truly, madly deeply in love.  I want him to feel the same for me.  I want him to tell me i am beautiful inside and out and that he cannot live without me by his side.

I'm a little insecure

I seem to move between two worlds. One where all my dreams come true and anothet where i wonder if i have sacrificed love for career.

But them everytime i love what i do, i love what drives me and i feel that sense of excalactic happiness, it had nothing to do with him.

I love depending on me but more so, i love creating my own adventure and enjoying all the steps of accomplishment along the way.

Let the party begin

Its that time of year again, everyones got a birthday to attend, the sun is shining, the flower's are blooming, the days are getting longer and Melburnites are emerging from their wintery slumber for some daylight.

And so once again we embark on a journey through summer to answer the ultimate question of them all: Can men and women truly be platonic friends.

So once again we will erace the past and all it's debauchery and start it all over again. We'll dress out best and the beautiful people will party like there is no tomorrow. We will smile, we will open out hearts, we will fall deeply madly in love and perhaps even harbour a broken heart to be mended.

But the things is, Life is baeutiful, the party season is upon us, friendships are flourishing and its time to throw caution at the wind and just go with life...

The thing is your living a different life

We want different things and you simply don't feel the same about me.

Is it that i never go for men that want to settle down and all my fault? Or is it that there is something in me to make you act this way.

The reality is that i am not the girl to cherish and love and respect. Your out with others and i barely mention a thought.  Your out sowing your seeds and enjoying life without me. I bet you don't even care.

I could let go and move on with my life. Read the signs and see them for reality.

The other night in that hip restaurant when you looked so hot and young, i wondered if you were out of my league. Perhaps you are. Perhaps i met you to learn a life lesson in opening up and standing up for myself.

Perhaps the life lesson will be half learnt until i truly do let go.

My dream man

My dream man would love me with an intensity and loyalty that barely anyone on this earth would know of. He would be my everything.

Someone i respect, trust and admire.

Does such a man really exist?

I'm living a dream in my mind

So i tried to be positive and think the best of the world.

But the thing is, not everyone is perfect. Yes i am attracted to you. But some girl was messaging and calling you all night and you had a box of condoms on your bag that i accidently found when i tried to leave you a birthday surprise.

And if i were to admit to myself, i miss G. He really was perfect for me. I also trusted him.

And this latest him. He's not honest. He's not right. He's just a bit of fun. I'm kidding myself with anything else.

And last night. I took you to the hippest place in town for your birthday. You turned up in your jeans and that tight black tee which makes you look ever so hot.  All other men would have turned up in a suit with cufflunks.

It felt somewhat sureal. You looked so hot and young. I wondered if i could even compete and felt lucky to have that night with you. In terms of looks, perhaps i am just out of your league. Perhaps i just need to accept that you are a toy boy.

Too caught up to dwelve on him

Sometimes travelling is good. It gives you space that you often will not give yourself. Sure i miss him but i have barely a moment to think about him.

Yes i glance at my phone excitely everytime my blackberry beeps, thinking he will drop me a line. He hasn't. Its ok. I still like him and he likes me even though we are not exclusive or even together. Time away makes you see reality for what it is.

If i want to make it work with him i know i could. And the answer is to keep doing what i am doing right now.

I haven't written to him not to play games but simply because life has become busy and i don't have enough time in my day.

Also, I'm slowly seeing what we have together for what it is and seeing how he feels. I think we have something beautiful together and it could grow into a forever but right now its in that hit or miss dating stage. Lately its been hitting than missing and there have been some wonderful times.

But i'm still prepared to see other men. I'm still prepared to keep my options open. I don't quite want to but i do myself no justice holding onto a man that does not feel the same about me and is still making up his mind.

Today i learnt that i still have it

You know those moments where you feel a little like an imposter but have years of experience and confidence accumulated that you know you won't get caught out so don't really stress about it.

Well today i proved that i had nothing to worry about anyways. I got it all working, i figured out what was wrong and i shined pretty bright. I run away from the technical side sometimes and prefer to live in my management hat. Its nice to be able to do the ground work too.

I feel satisfied today. A step back, a step forward.

I'm soo tired but i still love my life

I can barely keep my eyes open. Its work, its 8 hours of pitching, its been truck in Seoul traffic for hours on end, its polite conversations in someone elses world, its eating the unfamiliar and its transending boundaries.

I'm so tired i can barely type or keep my eyes open.  Its from cab to five star hotel and office and restaurant and business meetings and repeat all over again.

Yet i still love it. This is what i was made for. This is what i have always wanted. I can make it seem less than ideal and that its not so great once you living the life. Sure the reality of hardwork comes to play, but i still love it. I am the envy of the world and have achieved exactly what i hoped for in my dreams.

I still miss my man though. I was in the can the other day and i must of had that dreamy look gazing out at someone elses world. The cabbie turned around and asked if i was thinking of my boyfriend.

I've met you to learn life lessons

A long time ago i got hurt in love. And for a long time, without realising i have been living in the shadows of defence. Just not letting life get too deep that i could possibly feel that hurt again.

And then i met you. Some people you meet to learn life lessons. And this one is on letting someone in through the walls, through the uncertainty, in trusting that you are a good person and trusting that the some risks are worth taking.

I don't know where we are heading.

Are we destined to learn a life lesson together or is this a forever something?

Only time will tell.

(I am falling in love with you)

Tomorrow i'm off again

This time to SK on yet another business trip. What does await, who really knows.

I'm slightly anxious about leaving my life once more but feel it may be the best thing also. Travel provides perspectives and space and time that otherwise is hard to come by. Your so busy discovering the wonder of the world and coming to terms with the deepest secrets of your being, that all the whimsicle parts of life just fall away.

I'm excited and scared at the same time.

Deep down i'm craving to settle down in his arms. On the surface i traverse the world on a whim, one adventure at a time.

Cept this time, the real adventure i seek is in his arms. This is new to me. I've seen the world but have yet to experience love.

The best day in the history of the world

Waking up at dawn and running that 10km with my man, just one step at a time, motivating each other to not stop along the way and keep on going. Coming back home and falling asleep in his arms, cuddling, kissing, touching and lazily waking up at three to wander through the sunshine and grab breakfast in that retro old school cafe to the backdrop of Audrey hepburn movies. A wander through the sunshine holding hands, conversations that drill deep into each others lives, the gentle touch and the warmth of his caress. Looking longingly into his eyes and hugging him goodbye.

Its baby steps and its a whirlwind romance. I can see myself falling for him and i'm scared because it can be incredibly beautiful or incredibly painful based on if we find or lose each other.

Life is complicated. We don't know where life will lead. Its beautiful when two people open up. I am learning life lessons on love.

Should i just get to know him better

Go back to those first moments without jumping too deep second time around. Get deep into his mind, laugh, enjoy, run and just be simple together.

Its tempting to stay

But temptation doesn't lead to all that much. I have honesty and truth.

And at the heart of the matter is the fact that he is young. At 26 i had other things on my mind also.

When you know you love your job

I'm actually quite sick and working away from home and you know whats going through my mind. How i absolutely love my job.

I love what i do. I love how i do it. I love the people, the imagination it requires, the skill and the power that comes with it.  I truly genuinely enjoy and get a kick out of making the world spin just a tad faster.

I'm glad i had the wisdom to take some time out

Sometimes you need to vent to the world. To validate yourself. To go into the motions of denial and self protection before admitting to the world that you are in a little bit of a way hurt.  Or perhaps in a little lot of a way.

I'm glad i took the time to think it over. We are going for a run tomorrow night and we will talk it out.

The thing is, i have a fun time with him. But then as i long as i stay i don't let other doors open so i know whats good for me. And in the long term i don't think he is right for me. I need a man with more ambition and passion to match me in life. 

But i want to be friends. I want to run with him. I want to hang out with him and be his friend.

The emotional rollercoaster

Sometimes i wonder about all of this. Our pride and the way we work.

How fabulous we are that we forget the simple things.

Deep down i still like him. I wish he had turned out to be the doting man i hope for. But he isn't. He's young. He had others in his sites maybe.

The balls in my court and he already knows he's out the door.

If only i didn't know what i know. If only i didn't realise that i want spectacular and that i wouldn't settle for anything less

If your dream man appeared tomorrow would you stay with him another second?

Thats what she said to me. And when i thought of it, the answer was a resounding no.

For he was not my dream man. Heck, not even close to my type. So what was it that i saw in him?

Yes i found him to be a calming influence on a life which resembles organised chaos at it's greatest. But one day surely i would find his lack of ambition and motivation something other than endearing.

He is such a good man with a good heart, stable and down to earth. Sometimes that isn't enough.

I met the man of my dreams about one year ago

Unfinished stories. Two lives left in limbo.

Remember that very first conversation and how we discovered a mutual passion for mountain climbing? Remember those first oysters that we shared over cocktails? Remember those white ochards you gave me that lasted much longer that your stay in my life? Remember out running dates and how you taught me to rock climb?

With you there was never any doubt in my mind. I know i should stop trying to live in the past.

but....

Sometimes you need to let them go to see if they will fly back to you

And either way you have your answer.

And either way you do not living your own life.

I don't do ordinary

Everything that happens to me is spectacular in some way shape or form. That’s just me, that’s how I roll. It’s the passion and intensity I bestow to everything I do in life.

I don’t do things half way, I never tip my feet in the water to see how warm it is, I just dive straight in, facing my fears and having a blast.  I constantly challenge myself to achieve greater levels of excellence. At work, in friendships, in my relationship with my family and in lovers. 

Life is not about living in the safety of shadows but more about taking a risk and giving yourself the freedom to shine like the brightest star in the sky.  It’s about being the best you can me, every moment of every day. 

What your offering is something mediocre. It doesn’t excite me, it’s not a fairytale romance full of spark.  It’s being content with the ordinary.

I’m not ordinary.

Floating along in no mans land

I feel somewhat like I am in no mans land.  Having broken up with my man I feel a tinge of sadness but also a bout of liberation for asking for what I want and having the courage to walk away.

I was nice, I was gentle, he know’s I like him and I know where his head is at. He said to me, this is the most honest conversation we have ever had.  He is a good man with a good heart but you can’t speed up other people’s lives and you can’t slow down your own either. I can see this as a friendship to value and cherish. I want him in my life.

The thing is a certain chapter in my life is closing. I am learning to express myself, to ask for what I want in love, to think positive and know that the world will deliver in all its splendour the most perfect relationship for me. 

Because that’s just who I am. I’m the type of person that everything just works out for and I suddenly find myself with the perfect life, time after time.

Opening another door

Sometimes you need to voice what you want and stop accepting what you get. Everything that has made me successful at work need not be thrown away in my love life. There are certain lessons in respect and humility and understanding that I have learnt that will transcend any situation, weather that be social, at work or in love. 

Last night I asked him gently where we were at and I didn’t hear the answer I wanted to hear. I told him where I was at and where that mismatch was. That I was ready to walk away but still be the best of friends. Just without the benefits.

And it felt good.

While its tempting to stay, sometimes taking back your own power, respecting yourself, craving for a man to take you out and call you special and tell you he wants you in his life forever. If that’s missing from him, I have only myself to blame for staying put. 

And with him I learnt a life lesson. A lesson on asking for what I want, for going after what I want, for being honest, for having the courage to call it quites when it doesn’t work.

And I have opened a door.

Anxious but not as much as i used to be

Today is the day i talk to you. Really talk to you from my heart with my insecurities.

I know something about you. A side that you've never revealed to me. I want to know how you feel.

Its also the day i test my judgement. I think you are a good person with a beautiful heart and this time i don't even think you need the benefit of the doubt because i believe in you.

Let's just have a chat.

The power of family

You know what, sometimes life is nothing without family.

I love how she care's about me, how he cares about me. How i have a mum and dad that i can call on to save me if i need them. But they brought me up so well i will never need saving.

I love how they care. How no one else calls but they do.

I'm scared

Yes thats right, I'm scared.

Its one ofthose moments when the grey areas are no longer bearable and you need to make a decision. Say goodbye to waking up in your arms just in case it meant nothing to you.

I trust my instincts. I still think i mean a whole lot to you.

I'm still scared. I wish it was a whole lot easier.

I struggle to communicate. I struggle to tell you how i feel.

There is always an element of risk

When you go on that very first date, you don't anticipate all thats to come. The ups and down's and the ultimate high's. The betrayals and the friendships that keep it all alive.

But the things is, that is life, and staying on the sidelines not living at all is even worse. And this time i think i have given it my all with everything i have. I have learnt to be gentle and effectionate and i have learnt to love someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. I have learnt to be positive and honest about my feelings and to just be myself.

When we enter certain unchartered territories i have learnt to depend on my friends, be calm and put my self in others shoes.

I have enjoyed being with him. The risks i have taken and paid their dues.

Lets just hope he turns out to be the honest and good man that i think he is.

wondering

Dear N,

We met some time ago and it went so well. You were calling, we were going out, you treated me like a princess, opened doors and we had conversations to transend time, getting to know each other just a little at a time.

But recently things have been different. I found out something last week. I found out you were back on that site actively looking for another.

And myself, i had my indescretion last weekend which made me realise how much i want you and need you. All i kept thinking was that he wasn't you. Its funny how a mistake with another man makes me appreciate you more.

We haven't had that exclusive talk. We are just dating. Neither of us doing anything wrong,

But N, it hurts. It hurts that you can hold me in your arms and kiss me so gently and still think of others.

I think its too long on the sidelines right now. I'm no longer wanting to play this game. Tomorrow i want some honesty. I want to know how you feel. I want to know if its time to say goodbye or if its time to say hello.

N, i'm scared.

N, I hope i mean the world to you.

Chicken Soup

On my couch, with my tunes, with my quilt, willing the world away, staring at another world and slightly lightheaded.

Sometimes i push my body too far and just need to spend a few days relaxing and letting my body to recover. So its me, my apartment and some chicken soup.

Lately life has been going well. I;ve stopped being so negative about relationships, stopped living in the past and what a difference it has made.

I've made a concious effort to think of my man and only my man. To let my heart skip a beat when he walks in through that door and let him know i'm excited and happy to see him. I've just been myself and life has been beautiful.

This morning he held me in his arms and kissed me goodbye

So things have been going well lately with my man. Last weekend's indescretions had somewhat kickstarted some feelings in myself to stop hiding behind the safety net of dates and just to trust him and have faith.

Since then its been movies, its been running, its been challenging ourselves, its been cooking for him, making love and falling asleep in his arms.

Yes - things are lovely right now.

I miss my bestie

She flew away for two weeks on a worktrip to the USA to save the world one stemcell at a time. The thing is her absence makes me miss her. I miss our twenty emails a day of silly conversation around our lives. I miss gloating about how lucky we are and willowing about all that bothers us, while at the same time realising that none of our problems are actually problems at all.

I miss not being able to call her as she roams the world. I miss not having someone to call for no reason.

Sometimes friends are just a beautiful thing.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow

He's trying hard, he's making an effort and i can't wait to see him and give him a hug and look deep into his arms and hold that kiss for but a moment.

I can't wait to lie in his arms as we watch that movie, i can't wait to have a bite to eat afterwards while discussing the ways of the world and the little snippets of our lives that have become such a large part of one another.

I can't wait to tell him about my week, what i've been upto and all the crazy and wacky things that have made my day.

And now i'm getting sick

Woke up this morning with that feeling in my throat. Making it in to work it just starts getting worse, just a tad at the time. Two of the guys that work for me call in sick.

This is not looking good and i have a date with my man tomorrow night. Sipping on hot tea, herbal medicine, western medicine. Cold Cold, go away, never come back, not even for a day.

And i need to wash my hair, pamper myself. I can't wait to see him tomorrow. To have him hold me in his arms, to look deep into his eyes, for him to brush my hair gently to the side and for him to hold my hand.

So like every other time i almost get sick, lets just scare this away....

The wheels are in motion

So i'm thinking if i can run a 10 or 22km in 4 weeks time, and then a 22 in october, and then some intense trekking around patagonia in october, i'd be all ready to go for a 42 in New Yoke City.

On thinking positive

So someone made a comment the other day and i realised how negative i can be. I have always thought of myself as a glass half full person, heck even the type that would consider the glass to be brimming and about to tople over. But the thing is, that attitude is for my career where everything i touch seems to turn to gold.

So how about applying that same attitude to my love life. Instead of waiting for him to call and feeling anxious why don't i just assume he will and look forward to it, whenever it may happen. I only need to get into this disapointment if need be. At work i always catch myself in moments of doubt, reminding myself to stop this fortune telling behaiviour. How could i have been so blind not to see what i was doing to my personal life this whole life.

So the past few days i have been having a blast, catching myself in moments of negative thought. I've been busy, i've been running, I've been hanging out with friends, I've been shopping, I've been seeing my parents.

I feel on top of the world, mostly....

Its time to find another adventure

Hugging rabbits on the street playing guitar, good times over a dirty gin martini, the night meeting dawn in the city, midnight picnics.

Its time to throw it all in the air once more and leave the comfort of everything i know in search of adventure. Its time to do something once more.

Its time to submit that B-school app and seriously consider living in a castle for a year, its time to sign up for that marathon and its time to climb another mountain.

I've been kicking some serious goals lately

The other day when the men of the world were throwing tantrums and screaming out their lungs amidst a chaos and fire and later in empty apologies and group hugs following warnings from HR, i pitched out a cool, calm collected solution and i could just see the relief in the directors eyes.

He looked at me and asked, "what do you need me to do?" and i was like " Nothing, its pretty simple and under control".

And i realise that i have the expertise, the people skills and the influence the make the world spin. And i love it too, the adreline rush of making it all happen with speed and intensity.

And in the midst of it all i forgot to get upset by you. I know you have not called but then i was not expecting you to. At the back of my mind i still harbour feelings of fondness for you, but today i was just too busy making the world go round.

I still think of you though, just not as much and i'm not upset for some reason.

Group hugs aka networking sessions

There's been a few of those to come lately. The other night there was that networking session with about 10 CEO's and various upcoming leaders and high flyers. We got an inpirational talk on how to take over the world and a few tips and tricks to help us along the way. Afterwards it was drinks and nibbles while playing the corporate networking game.

Accidently ending up in a conversation with a man that runs half the world, i had nothing to say. I enter into random comments and conversations on developmentment loans vs venture capaital and glaze in and out of various conversations.

And then i met you. It turns out we did Mech eng back in the day around the same time. Perhaps we had passed each other by in those uni days. It turns out that you had considered moving to the outskirts of Paris to live in castle and do your MBA but that you had decided otherwise and committed to one on home ground. It turned out that you had gone to the states and started your own business and secured some venture capital and set up a successful business. It turns out that you returned when the business was running fine without you. Back home you found work on level 3. I am on level 2.

And it was so easy to tell you so much. How i traverse the world, about how i once moved a river, of how i once looked into getting rid of a hill. I told you about climbing mountains in the himalayas and shopping to my hearts content in Paris.

So really, this guy truly is my perfect man. On paper. One thing that disturbs me, especially as i feel this way is that he is Asian. And for some reason i have never been able to picture myself with an Asian man. Is this racism at its worst?  Why do i feel this way?

Either way i walked away feeling electrified. I loved the conversation, the drive, the confidence. If he was brown i would have falled staright away.  He still makes a partial bit of my heart race so its not game over yet.

And what about one once a week man? How do i feel about him?

Another best conversation in the history of the world

I was anxious all last week. A guy at work had done something i felt was just so unjust. I reacted and i felt the blood boil inside me and i felt on edge and anxious.

But somehow all that emotional intelligence training came to mind and i reaslised that i was feeling not quite right and that a chemical reaction was taking place in my head and that i wasn't about to do anything rational while i was feeling this way.

So instead of escalating or screaming back or picking up the call, i simply did nothing. I thought it was best to wait until i was feeling good again. I tried to figure out what experience in the past was making me predict some unfavourable future event which was making me feel so anxious.

And all weekend i was on edge. The weights sessions, the gym, that 10km run helped. It got to sunday and i had the perfect body again and i had so much adreline in me i felt like i was on top of the world. I messaged him to see if he wanted to come over and he did.

And while i'd been out with friends all weekend, i just couldn't get myself to let them know what was wrong. But i told him about the problem, about how i was waiting for rational thought and about how i was coping with it.  By that time i had a solution which was to escalate the issue so i told him that part too.

And he gave me an anecdote of how he was on the recieving end of a similar situation and some really simple advice. Why don't you just tell him? He will appreciate you not escalating and letting him have his say. Your manager and his manager don't need to waste their times solving silly problems.

And i consdered it. In my head i thought it would never work but committed to trying it. I let him know that i would take his advice.

And the next it all went so smooth. My explanation worked on the guy at work. I got my way, he apologised and i could feel that he felt grateful for me not escalating it. He felt bad for all the times he had escalated things on me. I was definitely a better person.

And after that conversation, that anxiousness was gone. I was on top of the world. My manager was impressed, all was impressed and i had kicked a serious goal.

Back in the day i thought i was always right. Part of growing older and wiser is realising that you don't have the answers and other peoples ideas should always be considered, no matter how wrong they may seem.

I got an executive compensation award and i thought it was SPAM

I always get caught by those phishing emails telling me i've won some lottery and to click here to collect my prize.  But this time i thought, Ha! Can't get me, i know its bull.

And a week later when i get asked why i don't want to accept my 5K of restricted stock options and stare blankly and mutter that its on my list of things to do.

So how did i get it? Will i get i every year?, Will it keep increasing? Have i made it? How do i continue to do whatever i did to get this?

So now i'm happy and excited.

I like him, i love him, i like him not, i love him not

I wonder how i feel about him? Am i scared? Do i question who he is? Am i simply too scared to get hurt? Do i miss him? Do i crave him?

Sometimes in the world of love, you just want your man to be honest. You want to fall in love in his arms and make love all night and wake up in his arms and have him squeeze you tight in the morning.

And instead he texts you a week after he last saw you, comes over for a DVD and sex, tells you about his big weekend out partying without you, jokes around while watching the amature movie, makes love to you while you fake an orgasm and he decides to eventually cum, an obligatory cuddle and then turns around and falls asleep.

And then you lay there feeling unsatisfied and cold, wishing to feel his arm around you like he used to. In the morning you wake up and try to touch him. He is asleep and refusing to even notice. You get out of bed, unsatisfied and emotionally empty. You get dressed and go to work.

You might here from him a week later.

Is it worth it?

Accidently dating an Alpha male

So when i first met him, he seemed so sweet and innocent. He was a young guy that seemed to be smitten by me. Soft, beautiful, considerate, charming and sweet.

But these days now that he has me and now that he lets his true self slip i realise he is my type after all.

The quintessential alpha male.

Dear John

I watched a movie tonight about timeless love. Dear John and the Notebook.

Of all the love you could have in the world, that is the one we aspire to. In the tragedy we cry at the missed moments. Of a love thats so real and true.

I crave to meet a man where my heart will race. That holiday romance that also lats forever. The man you meet on your tropical island and you can't even think about spending time away. 

Reality is hard. I watched Dear John and i couldn't figure out who dear John was. All the men of the past are no longer as apealing.

So there is R and G. Neither who are fairytale romances. Both men that hurt me occassionally.

Life is actually beautiful

And these little things i worry about are little blemishes on a magnificent sunset.

No he hasn't called but i know he will. He has done nothing wrong and the world is spinning a tad faster each time he does.

I'm just going to enjoy it for i am beautiful, i have an amazing life, a guy to dream about, friends and family that love me.

My life is perfect, really.

Lets not get so focused on this little blemish that i miss the sunset.

I wish i knew what i wanted

The thing is life is beautiful. Men are a plenty.

I get hurt by him.

The reality is that i don't know how he feels. I struggle to have conversations with men.

Am i overreacting? How do i learn to communicate better?

I'm disapointed in you

I wasn't expecting you to call.

If you had of though, i would have been ecstatic.

Your behaiviour is consistant.

I'm bad at communicating. I have tears down my eyes. I don't know how you feel. I don't know how i feel.

I would have loved to hear from you this friday or saturday night, the ultimate in the dating world. Yet you don't.

I'm not getting what i want from this. It's too much of a rollercoaster. I'm scared of getting hurt.

I think of G. I miss him. He know how to make me special. He also knew how to hurt me. I don't know what i want. It seems like its not you.

I need to see more passion from you. I need to feel that i am worth it.

Do you realise that you hurt me?

I'm afraid to have that conversation with you

For i am not sure of the answers either. I don't know what i want to ask for.

I want that fantasy love story where you just can't get enough of me. I know it takes two but i want it to come from within yourself. I want you to make yourself kind of the datable box and push all the other men out and make that box into a one man show. I want you to get to Friday and crave to see me. Right now i am a once a week romp.

Speaking to you about this could go in two ways. I could scare you off and then i will know for sure we are not meant to be, or you could reveal your true feelings and we will be on the way to exclusivity and becoming a real couple. I'm not sure if either is what i want in intensity.

I still harbour a hope that G and I may not be over. That there is some deeper connection i am meant to have with him in this lifetime.

For the moment i think i should let things be. Yes i could loose him altogether. But right now i don't think i am ready to make that move.

Yes i love him. I am falling for him. I wish he would want to see me more often. Its not enough for me to force it. I want a man that wants to make me feel special and wants to treat me like a princess. A double standard maybe................

Your the only one that did not call

So i have many a man calling me all friday and saturday night long, competing for my attention and that oh so hard to get date. And i consider then and i turn them down and they keep chasing even harder.

And then there's you. The man i want to be with. You get me when it's convenient for you.

I wonder why you do not call on a friday or saturday. As a man why you don't want to claim date night and me. Why you leave it open to chance for another man to enter my heart, take me out and move in on your space.

I'm scared to give myself to you, incase your playing games with my heart. No other man means as much but there is a little piece of self preservation in me that does not want to close any doors in case you hurt me. Right now i am hurt that you do not crave to see me. It hurts that my favourite part of being with you is waking up in your arms on a saturday or sunday and all you can spare is a late night romp during the week.

Is it the ups and downs with you that i crave? Is it the drama? The men that are right in front of me are making no mark.

I still think of another. Sometimes i think i should just let things be and let you decide i am worth it or not. But this is for another reason. For there is a man that stole my heart some time ago, and i have claimed back most of it, but he still has a tiny little spot and i harbour a little hope that he will call me up and offer to swoop me off my feet. And when he does make that call, i'll be free as you have not bothered to make me that special part of life.

Perhaps all i should do now is enjoy the moments and let life unroll.

I should stop playing these silly games

I know who i am in love with. Sometimes i think i should act like it.

I thought about him all last night.

I was on a date with a farmer boy tonight

And i ordered an eggplant moussaka and he questioned the fact that i had no meat in my meal. Usually i would too.

But thats what i wanted to eat tonight.

Am i just missing you?

Tonight i went on a date with an old flame

And it wasn't meant ot be so much fun. I kind of did it out of obligation and curiosity. I met up with him to be friends and keep it light.

But i enjoyed the conversations, his mannerisms, his availability and the conversation that flowed.

I got away early but not because i wanted to leave him. I was having fun and a tad confused with myself.

And the boy i am in love with did not bother to call. He slots me into the days that do not matter.

Life is odd sometimes. I have two men and i have none. Who know's how the world will turn out.

The hardest thing is that i just want one man. The one i have already. But i want him to tell me he loves me and see me on fridays or saturdays. To make me feel like i matter. To make me unavailable to such dates as tonight.

If i was with him tonight, i never would have gone on this date and i never would be reconsidering so many aspects.

I miss his arms around me

I wish i could fall asleep in his arms every night.

I love him, i trust him, i want him.

Its upto him to decide the same. I am his if all he wants is me. I would love to spend the rest of my life with him and no other.

I think we would be happy together. Powerful. The happiest couple in the world.

I'm in love with you babe. I hope you feel the same.

On meeting the man of my dreams

And last night was amazing. Our conversations, that gaze, the way we are entirely in tune with each other. The way i fall asleep in your arms, the way i can't get enough of you.

You are the man of my dreams. I am on cloud nine. You looked deep into my eyes and kissed me. You held me all night long. You swept my hair to the side.

Your my soulmate. I think i love you.

Perhaps it will be you and I forever....

and then you throw me a bone

A measly text and one whole world explodes in excitement. The tears are replaced by a smile. What is this rollercoaster i am on.

Why do i crave this high? Is the downturns worth it.

I think it may be. He was thinking of me. He messaged. He wants to see how i am. I can't wait to see him again.

If only i could remember this feeling when he goes MIA. If only i could bottle up this feeling and savour it another day for i am brimming with happiness.

Reality is that i will only be able to take this dating on for so long before it drives me crazy. I wonder what it is that he is feeling?

Why do i feel like crying

Love is a rollercoaster and sometimes i want out.

Last wednesday and thursday night i was on Cloud nine. He was paying attention and i felt loved and wanted and beautiful. Five days on, i have not heard a thing more and i am down in the dumps.

Crying my eyes out. Not sleeping. Wondering. Watching my phone.

I hate this. Perhaps relationships are just not meant for me. Its just too hard.

Perhaps this waiting game is stupid. Perhaps all of it is just stupid.

A lovers show down. Or does he just not care. This is so like him. From the day i met him. I have never let him know it upsets me. I don't want to feel too needy.

I hate this feeling.

Reaching for the sun in my downward spiral

When he calls or sends me a message my heart skips a beat. Yet when he goes quiet for many a day or a week i fall into an abyss of darkness. Not sleeping, anxious, dreaming of him running off with someone else.

I need to stop being so scared. Sit back. Enjoy life. Wait for him to make his next move.

Today i went for a run. I felt better. I tried to understand my feedling. The past hurts that are making me feel this way.

I feel a little better. I understand the world a little better.

I am still learning but i will survive.

I'm scared you will break my heart

I didn’t here from you all weekend. I miss you. I am looking at my phone wishing you would think of me and call.
I’m scared.

I'm afraid to give you my heart incase you stomp all over it and then throw it away.

I miss my man

And he is mine. I can't wait to hear from him.

These silly games we play are not really needed. We are both in love.

His smile makes my day. His touch melts my heart. I could fall asleep in his arms for an eternity. I crave to wake up to his hug.

Locking lips, locking hands, locking eyes.

With you it feels like i am on cloud nine. Life is perfect.

One day i'll fly away

I am falling in love with a man. Dear G, one day i'll fly away and you will be too late for another is entering my heart.

I thought it would be you and i in eternity, reliving the ecstacy of a history we have both shared. I still feel you close. I still feel i know you. You have walked away and i keep thinking you will look back at me. You never seem to though.

There is not much time left in this lifetime for I am about to give my heart to another. Another soulmate where life will be blissful and perfect.

This is your last chance for now. What say you?

I'm scared

The other day i was on cloud nine. I had seen you that wednesday night and it was wonderful. I could see the attraction in your eyes. The care for my by the gentle way you held me.  The way you pay attention to who i am.

Then you messaged and we kept at it back and forth. I was all smiles for you. I still am.

Its just another weekend has passed and you have not called to see me. There are some nights that are more special than others. You do not want to see me during those times. The best times with you are waking up on a saturday or sunday morning in your arms and cuddling and looking deep into your eyes.

I'm scared to make a move because of every other man i have dated that had disapeared when i did make that move.

Its that fragile moment. I'm scared. We are standing still.

So he texts me, seven days later

Its just that its been seven days. And you did not think of me during the week or feel that urge to hang with me over the weekend. You've become complacent, hanging out on sundays with a moments notice.

Or perhaps there is someone else in your life and you just slotting me in. I think this is not the case. My insticts tell me this is not the case.

I think this time i will make you sweat it out a bit.  I don't feel like seeing you anyway. Not today. I have other things to do.

I never envisaged my perfect man to be him

My perfect man has always been the D's and G's of the world. Those incredibly driven and powerful men who seem to think they own the world. The type of man by which the world bows down and follows.

With that power comes a certain level of ruthlessness. A little carelessness when it comes to ones own feelings. Will i ever even be good enough for these men?

And then i met you. Light, carefree, young, enthusiastic. You are a go getter in your own way.

Sometimes i wonder about a future for us. I smile when i think of you. Even when you hurt me by not calling. I think that perhaps you are more realistic. The type of person one can build a lifetime of trust and love with.

So what do you say? Is it you and I against the world?

A feeling of sadness

With all matters of the heart life is one big rollercoaster. Right now i'm on that downward path, approaching steadfastly what i hope will be a thrilling experience.

I haven't heard from him all week. I seem to have turned into a mere thought at the end of your weekend.  What i love most about us, is how we can wake up in each others arms on a saturday or sunday morning and cuddle and make love and watch the world awake.

Some moments are magic.

This morning i had not heard from you. You were in my thoughts. I went for a walk and i kept looking at my phone, willing my attention to eventuate into a text from you. The things is i feel sad.

I feel sad for every relationship that did not work. For every relationship that never quite made it. For all the moments where i have stared at my phone willing a man to call.

Sometimes i wonder why i take part in this dance. Perhaps the world is not about you and I.

Or should i just leave things as they are?

For i am in love with two men. One slightly more than you but i have not heard of him.

Perhaps i should just wait and see. Who deserves my attention.

Just as you are not commiting to me, neither am i?

Your in my thoughts. A lot. So is he.

I can sense the difficulty of a decision that is looming in my life.

It will be you and I. I'm just not sure who you are just yet.

Ignorance or Bliss

Am i making a mountain of a molehill?

He texts me once a week, usually on a sunday to see if i am free to catch up. We have a wonderful time, we do something, we have sex, he stays over and then nothing until the next week.

When we are together life is beautiful.

Am i letting him get away too much. Am i making things bland by being available? Perhaps this weekend i will simply disapear?

I can't stop thinking of you

Your in my day dreams, your on my mind, you make me smile.  I simply can't wait to see you again, hold your hand, look into your eyes and lie in your arms.

I think your wonderful.