What i wrote a while back
Travelling is liberating. Their is a realisation when travelling that opportunities are endless. Boundaries are breakable, and time is infinite. Travellibg, just taking the first step changes your life forever.You leave your comfort zone and venture into the unknown worldthat will expand your mind, change your perceptions and you will never be the same again.
That coffee, that long drive where we held hands and had the picnic, the food i made for you which i spent so much time on and the magical nights we had. I'm sad it's over.
Some things i wrote maybe 15 years ago. Usually wisdom comes with age but it seems who i used to be is more helpful. This advice is what is keeping me going.
Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore, dream, Discover.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Great spirits have encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.
You create your opportunities by asking for them.
Opportunity is missed by most people as it's dressed in overalls and looks like work.
And above all , watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe the magic will never find it.
When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.
Sometimes it is the smallest decisions that change your life forever.
Integrity is the essense of everything successful.
Difficulties are stepping stones to success.
Successful people are simply people who learn to solve their problems. They are not people without problems.
The successful people of this world take life as it comes. They just go out and deal with the world as it is.
Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognised a problem and turned it into an opportunity.
You can be discouraged by failure...or you can learn from it, so go ahead and make mistakes, make all you can because thats where you will find success on the far side.
Initiative is doing the right thing without being told.
The discipline you learn and character you build from setting and achieving a goal can be more valuable than the achievement of the goal itself.
I feel like i've done everything right my whole life. I got warned about the guy i was dating. Im not sure what is going. Dating a Police officer was the worst decision ever. Should have listened to my friends.
We went on picnics, he held my hand during a long drive, i made all the food that he loved to eat. He was perfect. We did jigsaw puzzles and made him coffee and for some reason he loved coke zero so i made sure it was always in my fridge.And then he disappeared on me.
She is telling me to take a break. To travel with her to anywhere in the world. Italy, Sri lanka, Canada anywhere. We can stay with family or any five star hotel of our liking. No restrictions. Anything that will help. I'm still not sure why i am so unhappy and sad. And why i don't just say yes and go somewhere. i know life has gifted me with too much. I should be happy. I'm just grateful to have a choice but not acting.
Shit happens. You wake up early because you cant sleep and do a 6km run. A bit of a high but right now i just feel really let down with a man i trusted. Nothing to be surprised about but i thought he was different. No man is ever going to treat you right.
So life starts spiralling sometimes. Some good things happen but thats fine. But you finally meet a man you can hold hands with and look in the eyes but he disappears on you when you need support for the first time in your life. i trusted him and let him in. We had a magic time of roadtrips, picnics, jigsaw puzzles and falling asleep, hugging and looking into his eyes. I never thought he would disapear. I think he was the nicest guy i have ever met and was crazy about him. I just wish he would call. But i guess its normal for people to let you down. It seems normal these days.
So our weekend away was good and bad. Sometimes I felt really sad but that was more about the state of my life, not too much to do with you other than your inability to commit. But at the end of the day I feel really comfortable with you. Sometimes your lack of affection except at night when I crave it is perfect. As I get my space and your company.
But the weekend away has made things more complicated and more strange and confusing. You are the man in my heart right now. Yet you are not available.
And I start pushing away from the other man, he appears even more keen.Yet I am starting to doubt if I like either of them.
Maybe this new medication was the miracle I needed.
This is our moment to find those final answers. Going away one more time before walking away. You already sounded angry. Things have not been good with us lately.
This trip will see what's left. Is it lovers? Is it companions? Is it friends? is it nothing and never to see each other again.
The other man in my life is on the sidelines. I'm starting to get excited about him.
But I will give it may best.
I'm not missing you as a lover. Not missing being in your arms. Not missing the sex. It's not comforting or exciting anymore. It's bordering on sadness that I feel.
We are still friends. I still want to tell you things. But it was another I called before I called you. And another called me back today. Someone I had a big crush on.
But the other is busy too. More of a lover. More passion. More discussion. More listening. But it is still early days.
You sit there. I sit here.
Yes it feel like we are a world apart.
Natural process of something that was not quite lovers or a relationship turning into something that is less than friends and broken than before.
I wonder how long we will be part of each others lives.
You were never reliable. Ever. Not able to be relied on. We are just back to the way we were
It's been a long and cold and lonely winter but I see that spring is in the air figuratively. Blossoming into summer. I'm back at the start but having reached out for help, I feel I am in a much better place. Yoyo is still the same, we go forwards and backwards with moments of commitment and moments of companionship, making us happy and miserable at opposite times.
But just as work has been left behind because I wasn't happy, I feel much happier now. A new course awaits. A new life.
And who knows, a boy to meet somewhere in the world that wants what I want.
Sometimes when things go bad, its when true colours shine. I know I have problems but I think your issues are greater.
I'm with you out of attachment and unholy things. New haven't ever really been a couple. Maybe you don't even have feelings.
Anyhow thank you for treating me like shit so I can walk away even if the short term is hard.
I have to let you go. This halfway is not good for me. I've wasted enough time on you. I get treated like ...well sometimes well but you can't commit to me. I want to be with someone that makes me feel special.That wants to build a life together.
I need to believe you and move on when you say its not what you want.
Tomorrow we start a new chapter in life and everything will change again. It's bitter sweet. Exciting in some ways for a new beginning in life, yet at the same time a sadness for the goodbyes I am saying.
Sometimes it feels like we are closer than ever. I look at you and have such feelings of love and fondness for you. I feel like your family is my very own. In someways life is up and down and you can't get what you always want so I wonder if I need to be grateful for what we have together. The nice guy that you are and the way you treat me.
We are closer yet so further apart. In some way settling into a couple life but in other ways growing further and further apart as we realise we want different things.
Tonight maybe you need to be alone and I am intruding. You finished work and have retreated into your own personal space. I am just hanging around with nothing to do.
I can't tell if you are perfectly fine or lost in distraction or trying to deny your feelings but are actually grieving quite heavily inside following your mothers death. I can't tell if I am helping or not by being here.
A beautiful friendship and lovers we could have been.
Life is constantly evolving and changing. Nothing ever stays still. And sometimes we just need to learn to let go and follow the ebs and flows of life as they come.
Just as art group stopped, lockdowns stopped, lentils shut, miss Jackson shut, work ended. We got closer and then in over my head.
Now a new chapter is beginning.
I'm on you couch as I write this. Stuck somewhere between more than friends and less than lovers for partners. I'm not sure about a lot of things to do with us. I'm not even sure about you or us anymore.
I wish we could make time travel faster to get to a place where you don't matter anymore. Where you are no longer a part of my life. Yet every little step is bringing us closer together. Yet it should be in the opposite direction.
We are too different. The kids situation is starting to feel a little too weird. Us is starting to feel a little too weird. And I'm craving a new you. Someone I have yet to meet.
For the first time in my life. I asked him to remove himself from my life. Maybe this is progress. Knowing what I don't want and developing an ability to walk away.
not sure if we work
not sure if you even want to be with me
not sure either way.
Sorry.
I might have to say goodbye.
And that is the only certainty we have. Life moves on. There are times when the good things in your life disappears. And clinging on makes it all that much harder.
Like art group that ceased. Or that volunteer role I used to have. Those friends we used to be. The man I thought I loved.
And with time it all becomes a memory. Maybe to look back on fondly.
In some ways this slow kind release of each other is nice. Although we still both feel the attraction I know. But when I am not around you for a while I can let you go. And in my head I have no expectations. I have people to see, things to do, men to date, a life partner to find.
But until then, for moments in time, you can be my best friend.
Today for the first time ever, I went to a place that scared me. Rather than holding on to something and attaching out of fear and desire, I let things be, I let myself see things for what they really are. But I also acted in the kindness way I could to keep a friendship.
For we were never crazy madly in love. It was convenience and loneliness and need for another human in lockdown that brought us together. If the pandemic and lockdown never happened, if there was never a bubble buddy, if we didn't have to work from home so much, then we never would have got together.
And now we are just returning to the way we were, just a little closer with a little bit more friendship.
One day I didn't know who you were. Then we met. Then we stayed friends, catching up occassionally You wanted something more, I didn't. Then one day we hooked up. Then I wanted something more, you didn't. But we stay together anyways. But now I am not sure if we I want to be together and am considering going back to being friends.
The reality is that everything changes. And as our lives and circumstances and the world around us changes, so do who we are.
And sometimes you just have to go with the flow and not hold onto the past. Accept the present for what it is. Not what it used to be and dream of a future that doesn't exist.
It's time to just let things be.
I'm generally not having a good week. But for a change my life back at home is looking pretty good. Things are starting to look up.
I'm not desperate to be with you anymore. I want it to be on equal terms and compromise. I understand why you don't want me, I have my flaws. But then you have your downsides too.
And you are a guy that never committed or settled down. So maybe I should just accept you for who you are and we just go back to being friends. And I go back to searching for someone that is in love with me, wants to live with me, build a life with me, hold my hand and grow old together. Someone that says goodnight each night, that they miss me and does a little more than watch movies on the couch.
This life is yours. Not mine. I got used to it out of lockdown loneliness.
We have had great times today. Affectionate times. Times of caring. But sometimes two peoples lives are so different and two people want very much different things. So sometimes we just need to move on.
To stay or go. Going is harder than staying. Going and finding something that fits will be better than saying and resenting the life that I have.
I know it can't always be good times but I feel this is coming to a natural end. The friendship will stay, but maybe just as everything around us changes, maybe what we have will too into something better than before....
Now to have the courage to make a decision.
Or maybe I lost my way. Or I found myself because of you and now I have outgrown you. For a while I stayed for all the wrong reasons. But you helped me get my life together. And then you became the person that I let it fall apart with. But now I am staying because I don't want to leave while you are going through a tough time.
Once upon a time in lockdown we worked so well. We were fresh and new and life was simple and I was happy to get any company I could. You saved me from myself. Helped me lose some weight. Become the old me again.
But now, a year in, I find myself living out of a bag off the floor in your room. Working around your schedule and your kids and your life. You haven't made an effort to become apart of my life at all. And I understand why we don't see each other much anymore but I can see that your cleaner, your Gardner and your shopping is more important to you than me. There is not a single photo you have of me. You've never told me you like me, let alone love me. You're affectionate when you want to be.
I'm scared to leave you out of loneliness. But these days I feel lonely around you. That I play second fiddle to the rest of your life.
And the distance between us right now is for a good reason. But you're also helping me stand on my own two feet. And see that this life we have built, this non together, sometimes together life is something I do not want.
I want to build a life with someone. Grow old together with someone. Meet someone that see's me a little more than a companion.
I think I've stayed too long.
In a lot of ways you've helped me more than anyone. But also caused a lot of my grief that led to the way things are. I feel I am at a turning point in life where things will start looking up soon.
Is it time to walk away? We have a friendship based on a few texts a day, a minute or two of conversation and chats mostly about you and a little about me.
You make it easy to see other people.
We have to say goodbye to some people.You are not good for me. You stress me out. You are mean. And we do not have the same beliefs.
I'm a mess but not really. Things are all over the place but I have it all together. I miss him but know I will get over it quickly.
And once upon a time that would have been a lovely thought. but not these days.
He's been telling me for months he's not interested. Last conversation I asked how he could hug me so and he said not to think it too much. And I did. He was always honest. I accidentally fell for a guy that was never available.
He got me through lockdown and I will ever be grateful. I want to be always friends. The guy that is a shoulder to cry on when I need.
But he doesn't want to be the guy I want him to be. So I have to move on.
It's the hardest thing but I know I need to. I can't keep doing this. With a guy that just wants me around sometimes with no future talk. I am getting closer to his mum and dad and forming a relationship. I want it to be real and I want it to be something he wants as well.
So right now, at this point in time, I'm not sure if we will work out. but as we grow older, it doesn't matter either. Because I am not as excited by him.
I don't want hime to come to the play or the bday with me. Even the movie. Not unless he wants to be with me. So maybe its better to slowly ween off each other.
I have fallen for guys before and fallen out too. He is no different even though I thought once again he was.
But we have a lifetime of friendship ahead.
And the endings are never very nice. But this is ours I guess. I'll miss you.
But the show must go on.
This isn't healthy. We are bad for each other. We have to say goodbye and move on. Goodbye.
Maybe taking a bit of time to ourselves and getting both our lives back on track is exactly what I needed and he did too.
Stuck between lovers and and friends with something more or a companion.
Stuck between wanting you and not knowing what I want.
Stuck between thinking I know what I want and knowing that the past has never worked and holds life lessons to live a better life.
Stuck between contacting you and going to sleep.
Of wanting to contact you but not knowing if I can or if it is welcome or even if I can.
Stuck between giving you space and me drifting away
Stuck between something stable and playing with fire.
I was sad because I let us happen.
Because I trusted you.
When missing someone turns to tears, I have to question if it was ever worth it.
Every now and then my instincts charge ahead of me, say goodbye to a dog before I think it is a real good bye, makes me have a good look around, makes me appreciate what I see because maybe, just maybe this will be the last time.
Who knows with you and I?
So we were nothing, then something, then nothing, then something spectacular and now back to something a little more than nothing.
You got me out of my rut. But now I am ready to shine. I am grateful to you.
The reason I am at yours so much is wrong. It's not fair to you because its not because of you, it's because its the support I need for another thing.
It's hard to let go but I have to. It's not like we are in love anyways.
And you want space now.
I need to find my own two feet. You dragged me out of a really dark place. I am grateful for that.
But in standing I need to do this on my own. Be my own person.
I get why you are saying this. Maybe you don't realise the totality of what it means...
As lockdown ends and we can socialise and meet in person, I finally said yes to a dinner and meditation session.
And yes I had to force myself to go while I was feeling crappy. But lately reading all these buddhist teachings, I just remembered that it was all just thoughts. I was in a down mode but at some stage that mode will be up or neutral. Thats life.
But I felt really good. Listening to the monk today and spending time with others who are just as spiritual as I am and having tea afterwards and bathing in the kindness and compassion, it just felt peaceful. Something I've been missing in life that I want to get back into.
Sure Netflix and chill and alcohol with R got me through lockdown. I almost thought it was it if it wasn't for his freaking out. But maybe it's a good thing we have. We like each others company but also have the space to do what we want to do. And this spiritual life and friendships - they bring me peace. A life worth living.
I just feel content with everything as it is. And a reminder just to focus on the present moment - not the past or the future. Just to make the most of what I have right now.
This too shall pass.
This time I accept things as they are. I still very much like him very much but my expectations are changing. Maybe we could still be friends.
Everyone must say goodbye to each other at some stage. And for us we just don't know when.
I had a lovely time with you. In some ways you tell me you want nothing yet treat me better than most guys have in a long time.
I feel like you bring me back down to earth in a lot of ways.
But you don't want long term and no commitment, so its a practice in non attachment that will probably be good for me.
And I need to get back into my buddhist teachings and meditation.
So this time it is not saying goodbye. It is enjoying what we have and your company for as long as it lasts and it still fits for both of us.
As the final days of lockdown ending for what appears to be the last time looms close by, i can't but feel a little sad to saying goodbye to a life i've grown to love in a lot of ways. A much simpler life focusing on a simpler life without the frills and come what mays of modern life.
And i wonder what will become of this new relationship developed in lockdown where we have spent vast amounts of time together, almost living together and accelerating something that otherwise may have taken us years to get to. When the outside world comes into our little bubble of you and me, will we sill be as close as we are now? As things open up, will our days and nights where we spend 24/7, go for our bubble walks, supermarket entertainment and netflix and chilling slide by or is this hear to stay?
And what of the unspoken? Are we real? Are we public? Do we meet each others friends? Do we lead separate lives? Or does this just evolve into something that is just so beautiful and innocent and true. We share a special bond with each other and a kindness. I lay in your bed, in your arms or even separate but i feel so happy and together. Where once i would have felt emptiness, with you there is no empty. My cup is full. The kindness and goodness in your heart shines through and i can't believe i never saw that side of you. The boy or should i say, man that has always been part of my life, always caring, always trying.
I am cautiously looking forward to happier days and where we continue to grow together. You and I in this brave new post pandemic world.
Only time will tell as a new day will spawn very soon.
Time flies and lockdown is almost over. I am partially looking forward but also sad for this new life I have built and in wonder of what life will be like. I enjoy being at his house so much, the flexibility of working from home and his. Spending nights cuddling over Netflix and wine and pretty much living life together and apart but always almost 24/7 for most of the week. Most of all, I have learnt to let go of old expectations and that we can actually live together in harmony.
We are both gentle and kind with each other in a lot of ways.
Sometimes I doubt but when you hold me close and do those kind things and include me so much in your life, then my fears usually fall away.
So the man that was right in front of me turned out to be mr right after long.
This time I keep thinking of gratitude than focusing on the negative because you really really do make my life better.
We have been in lockdown for a long time. I miss having the shops open, being able to go to the gym. Being able to go visit mum. Having friends over. Sitting down at a cafe and sipping a coffee. Having a date at a restaurant. Driving wherever I want. Travelling wherever I want. On a rainy day with the outdoors only accessible it is pretty miserable.
I even miss being in the office.
It's finding joy in the mundane that is amazing. To enjoy walking down supermarket aisles, to talk about what you had for lunch, the differences in the latest iOS update or anything at all. Just that it's easy and seamless and you come in and out of each others lives just fitting in quite nicely. No games or anything like that. Just reaching out when we can.
At some stage you will message. I know that. Because you always do. You are that kind of guy.
Yet the apprehension is strong while I wait. And why don't I reach out. Well I'm scared of smothering you. These next few days are about cleaning up my place and getting back on track with meditation and that healthy lifestyle I occasionally find myself in.
Still waiting waiting but in quiet confidence and smiling and day dreaming about you.
In any other year you would have needed to call, message or say goodnight in some way shape or form. But the more relaxed doesn't really care. I've given up on romanticism. It was a nice day. A really really nice day while we were together. And I no longer expect fireworks and longing when we are apart.
It tears me up a little to say this. But yet the guys that did all that had no substance. And maybe you and I hav something. Maybe we don't. Who really knows.
Lately lockdown has been so tough I have no expectations. I will take whatever you give me without compliant and enjoy it.
The time we have spent together is amazing and I had an open invitation to fall asleep in your arms tonight too which I did not take so you are absolutely amazing.
Well goodnight to you my lover.
So I spent a whole week with him and he invited me to stay for longer. We had some ups and downs. Actually I had ups and downs in my head. But in the end it made me communicate and ask some questions I otherwise wouldn't.
So it's just me and him and he's not seeing anyone else.
We had a lot of fun this weekend. In many ways it was a turning point. Getting closer, talking about reality and things under the surface and the sex was better than ever. But more than that it was the friendship, the laughs, the talking till 2am without realising, the cuddles and just being kind to each other. No games. No expectations. Just being nice and finding it returned. The smiles.
Yes sometimes I get bothered by things in my head. But I feel with age comes a lack of expectation that leads to a life much more fulfilling.
And its been effecting my mood all day. Up and down. I dreamt that he was really seeing this as only a fling. And he had someone he loved. And that's why we don't talk about things. That I was just that girl to fill around with when there was no one else. A placeholder.
He doesn't make me feel that way. But my moods are all over the place these days in between staying with him and staying at mine.
I'm happier than I have ever been in a relationship.
There is nothing too exciting but yet the companionship and the care and warmth and stability is just as alluring. We do everyday things. We are really good friends. We joke around. It's not like some random guy I am dating. You're my friend and we hang out. And sometimes there are silences with no need to fill them. And sometimes there are murmers or hugs or the squeeze of your hand or nothing at all or everything. And it feels so easy and natural.
And I've started to be able to look into your eyes when we talk. And I like your arms and chest. I really really like them.
And your suburban lifestyle no matter how mediocre it is, it's good for me. I feel safe and secure and I like it. The days spent in each others lives and arms. Cooking, eating, working, grocery shopping and going for walks, watching TV, drinking and hanging out with your dog. Somehow that feels like bliss. I feel all tingly as I lie in your arms on the couch. For we brush against each other in the kitchen, on the footpath on a walk, in the grocery store.
And to think you were always there. But I needed to get to a point in my life to appreciate you so.
And now I do.
We are getting along pretty well. Gentle but fun with each other. Getting pretty comfy. Your dog likes me too. We are even building a bit of a life and a routine together. There are no games or second guessing. We make each other healthier in some ways and lockdown is much the nicer with you by my side. Falling asleep and waking up in your arms is amazing.
The way you hold me is amazing.
And day by day we kiss more and we hold hands at night.
And when we are apart how I long for you baby.
You're a quiet one but as I get to know you more and more, I uncover layer after layer of good qualities, generosity, a kind heart and gentle nature where you just care for those close to you. You have a simple life but one that is really really nice. The types of lifestyle that does me good rather than this st Kilda mess I find myself in.
I can picture a life with you. And maybe it's time to really let go of those images in my head of something more, something different and enjoy the feeling of something that is making me very very happy.
You are so different to what I thought I would end up with. So so different. Yet I love who I am when I am with you. You inspire me. You make me a better person.
So we have been hanging out. And I trust him easily without even thinking about it. And the other night I let him tie me up and spank and whip me. But I whole heartedly trusted him. And we speak about fantasies and share our feelings and we talk. So much depth, friendship and trust.
But we always knew. that.
and. who cares.
But I do. I cry. when I. don't hear from you when I used to. I don't need to. Or do I? I just don't know or I care...
I sent him a message and at least his first response will let me know if he is real or not. Because when we are not together even for healthy reasons I feel insecure...
Only time will tell what comes of anything if at all... and I have less enthusiasm, competition and what may be these days.
I want easy and what works.
Nothing magical.
I just turn up these days at your place assuming I will stay a while and you ask me to stay for longer. We have become so comfortable. And I have started kissing you because that's what I like to do. And we seem to be getting closer and closer as each day passes. Who would have thought this suburban life could be so wonderful.
I love that we sleep in and cuddle together and then a little bit more. That we make each other tea and take turns cooking and doing the dishes. We go for walks but we also do our own thing as well. You work and I work and it's easy enough. We play with your dog. And we laugh all night to comedy before cuddling and having sex.
I have not been in anything that's felt so comfortable and so real. So honest. So accepting of another man for the way he is. And not having those expectations I used to that ruined it all. Not even needing a future. Just kindness in the moment with no games.
If only I had realised you were right in front of me. Again another night reaching out to be friends and the man from far away is well far away but not capable of making any sort of real commitment.
Meanwhile my new man knows all about responsibilities. And we stay in touch all the time. I am falling in love with him.
I was into you for so long. waited for you. Imagined a life with you. But even as friends you don't stay in touch. you have legit reasons and your business and India is hard. but I am glad I walked away to another.
Sure some nights I can't come over when your kids are their. But every other night or day, I have an open invitation these days. I think.
It's hard to think a guy would want to make you so important. But I think with this man. He see's me as something real. Maybe never leading to marriage or all those things traditional but what happens if you just want to spend your time with someone wonderful.
I would love for it to be more but I need to accept that he will never commit, yet his actions speak greater than a commitment would ever make. Giving me comfort that we accept each other as we are and we will miss each other incredibly if apart without needing a random paper to prove anything..
And it was a sign of things to come. That life may well finally start resuming back to normal. I have booked my second shot in two weeks. By the end of the month the vaccine should be fully functional. And I can worry less being out and about. And one day maybe even be out in the world again.
But one thing is to feel relieved after even having the first jab and knowing the second is only three weeks away.
And then I randomly went to book a vaccine and it worked. and for the first time in 18 months I feel truly excited. That in a months time I will feel completely safe. I have never wanted a vaccine so much. But also can almost taste the freedom with a life I used to have..one more month..
Just to see how my day was. Just to say hi. Just to chat. To tell me you will use your electric blanket as the warmth of my body is not close by. For us to chat idly. And for me to tell you I miss falling asleep in your arms for you to tell me your bed feels empty.
Maybe we really have something together...
You have less expectations and fantasies. You live less in a dream world and more in reality. The sad thing is that a little bit of the dreamer in you also disappears. Without you even realising.
Somewhere along the way you get to spend a long time with a guy without worrying too much about where things are going. His cuddles and companionship are enough. I have missed being in the arms of a man so much. I have missed having sex. And the sex is pretty good too. At least when we have not been drinking it is tingling and magical. But even with the drinks, it has been pretty amazing. And most of all ever so comfortable to explore each other and talk about anything.
But at any other time I would be fantasising so much about something long term, marriage, building a life together. With age comes the realisation that you can have certain dreams but that they may not come through. That maybe that dream of building a life together with another person isn't ever going to happen. That you just fit into their life or that's it or they fit into yours. Somehow, somewhere.
But these things stopped bothering me so much. I accept reality. Sure I long for house hunting together with a guy and building a life. But that moment is long gone. So it's the little things that matter.
And it feels like we are something. But then I accept if we are not. It's no longer all in my head. It all seems to be heading in the right direction. We are an easy couple to be. Even though we don't talk about it, I feel like you express a lot with your touch and your actions and the whole hearted attention you give to me which is rare these days.
And you inspire me to be the same with you.
We are gentle and kind to each other. So lets see how things go.
Somewhere in between more than friends and less than a relationship...
Heading over to yours over some tunes during lockdown. This intimate partner bubble is working for me very well. I get to your's and it's already dinner time and already so comfortable. You cook and we chat. I do some dishes. we go for a walk with your dog and then to the shops for some wine and dessert. I wait outside because you know, one shopper peer household rule.
Dinner was lovely. You are so easy to chat to. And then we settle in with some comedy and that Netflix series we've been watching all along. And then we have some amazing sex. Waking up in your arms in lovely. Cuddling all night is lovely.
Working from home with you is lovely. The occasional tea. Having lunch together. Going for walks. Making you tea. And at the end of the day the post work walk and cooking together before settling back into mindless Netflix and sex and cuddling.
This suburban life I never thought I could be happy with. But I think that was because I has such a bad time with R who was horrible and left me feeling so empty and lonely. There is no lonely with him. He is so affectionate and reliable.
Sure we don't talk ab out it. But the affection and the rhythm we have and the friendship and companionship is real. And sometimes as we grow older, companionship becomes so important. Someone you can spend 24/7 with for days on end just living a routine life. And that you still enjoy it.
I feel this is going somewhere. Somewhere honest and real.
This is so nice. Safety. Comfort. Easy. No drama. No games. No second guessing a thing. We just like spending time together. Each others company.
Maybe this will lead somewhere. How is this so easy. To spend days with each other and no awkward moments.
Who knows where this will go. But we get along so well.
All these men I ignored. Thinking someone better would come by. Things are finally happening,
A simple good morning message just makes my day! And this kinky side of yours. I think I would love to explore.
It is so comfortable with you. We can literally live together comfortably. Cook together. Clean together. Work together. Have fun with your dog together. And most of all sleep, cuddle and have sex together.
How much better can it really get?
And it made me so happy. We are just talking normal stuff. But staying in touch with each other. But maybe it feels like the start of something. Something between the Start of a fresh love that will fade away or something that is strong enough to last the tests of time.
Only time will tell.
But I was so happy to see your message.
And I will fall asleep dreaming of your arms.
The way you hold me. With such affection and strength. We laughed and cuddled and talked so much.
Not so sure if we are just a little more than friends or heading towards a full bloom relationship. Somewhere in no mans land but I am totally fine with that. In your arms it just feels genuine, based on years of friendship.
Your back was doing bad so maybe that's why you didn't try to have sex with me.
But you cuddled me so tightly. you tickled me and we gave each other massages. We cooked, ate, drank and cleaned and went down you tube rabbit holes of stand up comedy and laughed so hard and went for a beautiful walk.
But this time your only an hour or so away. And already coming by on Saturday night. And I know I will get to fall asleep in your arms again. It was so fun hanging out with you. So comfortable. I'd like to have sex. I hope you try it on.
I need to clean my house and get everything ready. I'm really over being single. I hope to see you a lot.
And the man from far away is back in the friend box likely to never crawl out again.
I think you want to, I am finally ready after what? 7-8 years.
lets do this babe. I like you...
But you never cared anyways. I was never a priority.
and my new man. He's been around this whole time...
To have a man hold you all night long. To fall asleep in a man's arms. To feel beautiful. To have his body wrapped around you. To cuddle. To just feel good.
To look at yourself and feel beautiful.
And to reach a place where you don't actually get obsessed over his love. I would love for us to be together.
But if we don't it is ok too.
Still savouring the feeling of his arms around me.
So what if i happen to love two men. And so what if i cuddle up with one over fun times, you tube comedy rabbit holes and alcohol while wondering if the other is fading away.
So what if we never become anything. We don't need to be anything. It was just nice to fall asleep in your arms. That was just sooo nice.
I crave you. I miss you. But it's not like back in the day. You might be part of my life. Or maybe you won't be.
It was a random text. Come over for dinner and drinks, crash at mine. And seemed like a good idea. Someone i trust. Just the two of us. Been on plenty of platonic holidays and day trips. We get along ever so well. I like your dog. And after another lockdown i was craving some human company. Like quality company with a friend that's been around and has known me for a long time. Years. 7-8 years at that i think. And i said yes and i said i will crash. Knowing you didn't have a spare room and i didn't want to use your kids rooms and that i was going to stay in your bed. With you.
And you were a gentleman and we had such a chill and relaxed night and i surprised you by jumping into your bed. Not sure who initiated what but we cuddled all night long. And i saw the man from far away slowly fading away and you held me in your arms tighter and tighter. It felt so nice. The touch of another human. But more than that, once i trusted and felt so comfy around. And we slept in and cuddled some more. And you didn't push it beyond that.
We went hiking and then we went looking for my cravings for idlis and on our return to your place we spent a solid ten hours going down you tube comedy rabbit holes with drinks and cuddles before falling asleep in your arms once more. And we slept in that morning to make up for our 2am sleep schedule and we chilled and relaxed through coffee and breakie before finally hugging goodbye and saying goodbye to the weekend.
It all just felt so natural. We get along so well. And you held me so tight. And now i can't stop thinking about you. Because there is now you and the man from far away. But the man from far away is fading to the reality of you. Someone that's been in my life for so long. Someone that i lent on while i was down. Someone that checks in on me. Someone where it all feels so natural.
So i think i am falling for you.
Fast forward a year or so and fully vaccinated and borders open, we finally met in Thailand this morning. You got there first and then met me at the airport with flowers and then we went to our hotel. We hugged and the chemistry was there. Definitely there. We had a great time and kissed and hugged and i fell asleep and woke up in your arms. We had two months together and to work out how it would work.
At the same time i feel ever so sad as i can't keep living in my head. I have to let go of this fantasy and start living my own life again. Start being me again. A little bit of your silence in helping. But i also feel so directionless these days.
And when i think of the far away place where you live and the medical and police and all the other systems, i really wonder if i could actually live there at all. To go from living in the most comfortable place in the world to a place i could not wait to live as it was the worst place i have ever lived. Except that you were a ray of sunshine that kept me sane with your friendship.
I love you very much. But how would we work?
Your dad was hospitalised. You responded straight away. Leant on me even. Spoke to me. Relied on me. I am worried about. Your mom and dad as if they were mine. Babe i wish i was there with you. Holding your hand. Giving you a hug.
When I first met you, I ignored you and you persevered. I went off with another man and you didn't mind a bit. Over the years we remained good friends. We always got along. But haphazardly I have always let you come and go with many men in between. Sure you dated too. But in lockdown I got to know you more and more. To depend on you. To like and love you.
So sometimes I miss not hearing from you. But I need to realise I ignored you much more than you do to me. It's even ok if you are being polite and yet don't feel a thing.
I hope to meet even just for a holiday.
Lockdown has ended and the eerie silence is gone. But this time I welcome the banter and the music and the drunken loudness and cheery banter. The city feels like a happy place again.
To be a Melburnian meant sipping on almond lattes with the best coffee grounds in the world while sitting on milk crates in a crowded space to a hipster background. We were the sophisticated society of the country, where the women wore little black dresses and stilettos with red lipstick and the men wore perfectly tailored suits with Salvatore Ferragamo moccasins, unless you were a hipster yourself, then you would probably be out in a onesie and no one would even blink blink. You could be whoever you want in this city but you had to still make an effort. We hung out at the trendiest bars and restaurants, ate tapas from the Michelin chefs in hidden away desolate alleyways filled with trash cans.
We were always sporting, whether it was winter scarves in footy colours or hitting the gym, running a marathon or triathlon, heading to that yoga or pilates class, swimming, soccer or footy or anything in between and under the sun or snow. It didn't matter if we watched it or played it, mostly likely to be doing both. And recall those bird man competitions, they were a real thing and we all knew of at least one person that had tried their luck. We spent our weekends hiking the tallest mountains, diving to the depths of the sea, adventure sports and impromptu adventures in foreign destinations.
Most of all we were social; kissing, hugging, hooking up, breaking up, one night stands, long term relationships finding a new buzz, laughing, crying; but always together. Any night was vibrant but friday nights were a real buzz in the CBD after work. Walking the CBD was magical and the buzz in the city was just contagious. It was something amazing and special and you just had to be there. About saying goodbye to the work week with your colleagues and then catching up with your real friends or that date.
So much could happen between friday and monday that the whole city was buzzing in wonder. You always had a sense of excitement with only a tiny bit of apprehension for the world as it was on a friday night, and how it could change by monday morning for the better or worse. And we didn't talk of Saturday nights but they made all the difference. Sometimes mondays at work were a welcome rest with no one daring to schedule anything important so each and everyone of us could recover from the weekend that was and the changes to our lives it inevitably brought.
And back then we were no stranger to planes and flights to exotic destinations on a whim whether that meant an impromptu catch up for brunch at some secluded cafe in melbourne, on Sydney harbour or wasting away hours of our lives on a flight to Singapore for brunch at Raffles, as long as we could get back to work by monday. Life was one big fun and exciting adventure and the world was our playground unmarked by any global pandemic or illness.
And then the pandemic hit, and unlike the rest of the world that let the pandemic rage, we locked down in what was one of the longest lockdowns in the world. Just over four months.
And it changed us. It really really changed us.
We eventually got used to the long four month lockdown, switched our trendy cloths to PJ's or trackie daks or dare admit turning your camera off to work in your underwear. The women dropped makeup altogether and then men stopped shaving. We became scared of socialising and human contact, bunkered down and worked from home and began our hermit like existence. Some of us went down the freak health food and exercise path while others started an alcohol addiction and some of us chose a mixture of both and made Tik Tok videos about it. We learnt how to communicate with video calls and socially distanced lockdown tinder dates with masks became a thing. We vehemently opposed our government banning Tik Tok despite the security threat as we needed entertainment and a place to procrastinate. We packed away our old lives into boxes like we were moving house, but to a destination we may or may not ever reach.
And then when we came out of it. On the better end of the pandemic with all our freedoms back, we were a different kind of people.
We no longer felt at ease socialising, was happy to keep working from home, threatened to quit at the mere mention of being forced back into the office and had long forgotten how to wear anything but sneakers and gym gear. We had stopped trying too hard to be those trendy Melburnites known for their fashion sense and felt a bit overwhelmed after social interaction. After work friday night drinks which was almost our religion back in the day ceased to exist or take off again. The only boom we created was a mental health crisis.
I miss that old life but struggling to embrace it back as well. Especially after a second, third and now forth lockdown. Only time will tell.
Will we ever go back to who we were? Or have we changed forever? Or are we just not much more than spoiled brats living in a lucky country?
But I am being patient. Guessing he is busy and stressed. Maybe something is wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong and he doesn't have much to say because he has a life now that lockdown is over.
I just don't know. But I can't keep waiting on the sidelines constantly reaching out either. In his own time he will reach out. The wield thing is we were having a really nice conversation.
In all this though, there could also be a girl in the background. Just as I speak to guys over here.
Who knows the truth really.
But lately I am realising that maybe a life over there is not something I could do. And I can't see him with a happy life over here despite all thee creature comforts. And sure we could choose a medium ground somewhere. I will be fine in any western world but I am not so sure about him outside of his contacts and the world he knows.
Maybe I need to transition to the occasional video chat when we both have time rather than constantly waiting for him texts which really isn't healthy. I need to get life back on track.
Go back to the gym. Meditate in the mornings. Have that bath. Go to Yoga. Reach out to friends. Meet up with art group and book club. Go on that date. Actually many many dates. And finally have a holiday, someday, somewhere.
And also maybe just listen, really listen to him. He never said we would work. It could have been a polite lets wait and see because he is incapable of being direct. That could be reality too.
Life is so comfortable. But stuck. Very Very stuck. I need a change. I can't keep living in a fantasy world in my head and checking my phone and barely doing anything at work.
To be that girl again. The happy go lucky one that had it all together. Unquestionable motivation levels. Health, fitness, work to a tee. Motivation and meditation is what I need. And the pandemic to end. To go on holidays and dates and kiss and hug someone. Have sex.
I want to tell you so much. About this storm. The ambulances or emergency services I hear. Watching the water and wonder if its a leak or condensation. But generally feel a little bit scared about this storm and get some comfort.
That was never us. Crazy thinking.
And my mental health. It's shit right now but I have it together so no one is really reaching out to help me. Nothing to do with you again as you are busy. I have tried to tell you.
You are a saviour amongst a bunch that don't care other than mum. But I can't tell her all in case she worries.
I feel really alone right now. Your messages are what makes me going regardless of how short or little they are.
I crave a world to fall alseep in your arms. How magic would that be?
What I want but not sure if the reality of the world means it could happen.
How did you become. such an important person in my life? How did I fall in love with you all of a sudden after a long time.
When there is a problem he doesn't tell me but is happy to share if I ask. He just gets on with it and solves the problems. Which I love about him. But when I do ask, he is more than happy to share what is going.
Just keeping in check with each others lives. Sharing things. Communicating. Even if just on text. Getting to know him more. Still fantasising. But with less stress in his life he is definitely communicating more. Something has changed. Something has changed for the better.
If you spend each night on the brink of tears waiting for a measley text from him. You have to think it's not him, it's me.
