Two men, a open heart, which way to go?

And there really is two men on my mind. Each offering a potential lifetime of happiness. Getting older, making the right choices while they still exist are just paramount. So one a stable, reliable man but a white man, who i find ever so attractive. The other, my best friend, of my own culture, who's been there when i needed him and we share so many similar life goals. Choices, choices. Life is good - which way to go.

5 words

reliable, honest, fit, genuine, stable

A new man on the scene

I've been single a little while but with plenty of options. There is a man that's been there a while that i have not paid much attention to. One thats been pretty nice. The other night on the dancefloor i felt something. He's hot. Lifestyles we fit. He is not lankan. But is that what i really want. Culture is important. But then its not like i lead a lankan lifestyle. Could it work? Well i am excited.

Perhaps i wrote off white men for the wrong reason

It was just a combination of bad luck and self sabotage and not dealing with the implications of having and alcoholic father and the impact that has on choosing a life partner. But i am sorting myself out these days. Seeing reality for what it is. And maybe i thought i wanted a white man because i couldn't quiet figure out what went wrong with D. But the thing is, he was on anti depressents, he lacked serotonin and he had a knack for compulsive behaiviour and promiscuity. He had a mental illness. So i think i just need to be open. If i were to look at my lifestyle , its that blend of west and east. I could go either way perhaps. And there is a man that i've always felt good about. Perhaps we are meant to be.

Feeling betrayed

Or am i just too late. So i thought a man was crazy with me. But the thing is i have for years and i have thrown his feelings away. And now, i wait on the side lines waiting for a call. But he does not call. He can. Something tells me its not quite right. Perhaps i have missed the boat for something wonderful while i was fooling around with a man that betrayed me anyways. Perhaps this is a lesson to be learnt. To cherish those closest to us as gold and new friends as silver and that it counts for men too. I'm over the man of yesterday. I am falling for the man of tomorrow who has been my best friend all along. Yet, i may be too late for once. I may have missed the boat just as i start falling in love.

Preparing for battle

Today i was preparing for battel. Hair in a moderate pony tail, an invincible belt around my waist with a AK 47, ready to pounce and fight. Works a bit crazy. Sometimes i feel like crying. There are some people that are just so aggressive. Sometimes i wonder if i am cut out for this. But really, this is what i get paid the big bucks for. I get paid well, but the jobs a tough gig. And working with an ex isn't easy but its even harder when he helps you out so you don't get further in. When it looks like he is on your side.

Preparing for battle

Works always going well but in the middle of success you encounter somewhat difficult personalities. But i feel calmer, finding strategies for dealing with them calmly and maturely. I feel better prepared, yes slightly elated and nervous. This is what i get paid the big bucks for really. In the middle of it is an ex boyfriend who is not quite performing, and yes while we were together i overlooked his misdeamours, but now i guess i don't need to. It's about fixing it all now. People have trust in me. Now i just need to deliver.

A lesson to be learnt

Don't give your heart to a man that is not ready to receive it and protect it. For the little girl of your innocence is given away too. Always take care of her. Take her everywhere. And when you meet the man that you can trust that little innocent girl with. Then you know you can fall in love. For he needs to look after you children and cherish you forever and protect the little girl within. I am close to finding that man. And seeing the patterns of sabotage and self harm that existed before.

I can't wait for you to come home

Your somewhere on site. I miss you. But you tell me everything. A cyclone has passed through. You have no electricity or reception. I can't wait for our moment. Finally falling for a man that i have been in love with all along, i just didn't realise it. The guy i've always trusted and shared my deepest feelings with. Butterflies as i wait.

Lankan men have so much depth and layers to them

Its about that deep sense of patriotism and finding comfort with a man of your own race. Its about the layers of depth, emotion and family values that no white man could even comprehend. Its about thinking and looking at him and craving his brown skin. Its about admiring the way he treats his mother and the way he will be by your side forever. Its about the way you can take him home to your parents every week. Its about being able to visit his parents and sister when he is out of town. Its about him accepting your successful career because your child with him will be the brightest ever because he loves your intelligence. Its about facing life as a unit. He wants it. You want it. Its about the attraction and animal lust and knowing that the world is your oyster and that you will make decisions together and eventually take over the world. Lankan men - only the best. It just took me a while to realise. That is all.

Disgusted by you

You had the nerve to send such a self absorbed mail. Your sense of reality on the definition of infidelity is somewhat warped. I looked at the little girl in my heart. I felt nothing for you after that. Your represent a life of abuse and unhappiness. And for the first time in my life i feel that it is not acceptable. I want a man that wants to look after me and make me happy and see me as his equal. I crave to be in a loving, trusting, accepting relationship. I'm not sure what i saw in you. I struggled to find you attractive but as i got caught in your web, you apealed to the old side of me that loved to sabotage my own life. Appealed to that side of me that reminded me of an alcoholic father and only ever knowing how to be treated like shit and still to say. But I've gotten over that now. And over you. Good luck to you in your self absorbed world. I'm out.

Protecting the little girl within

Its that childhood innocence that reaches out to our heart of hearts. But its really the little me i am thinking of. That little girl that was a little helpless, did not understand the ways of the world and relied on her parents and those around her to be a good person. A little girl that felt the pain of love misguided. But that little girl is in my heart now. A little part of me. She has always been. I just had not realised it yet. And now that i am older, and that i am wiser and can stand up for myself, i owe it to her to protect her through life and take me everywhere. To be with the right men and walk away when i have been wronged. She deserves to be protected, hugged and loved. Its like looking at the world a new. Let there be light and love.

It was a combination of sabotage and falling for the wrong man

You were always domineering, without compassion and thinking of only yourself. You seemed like you care but it was all about maintaining your image, you never really bothered to get to know me or drill deep into anything that made me need a hug. It was all about you. So yes, i choose the wrong man. One that would abuse me but i stayed. And then there was the self sabotage. Doing stupid things because i felt neglected. The flirting in front of him, trying to make him jealous, trying to make him love me. I thought i had sorted this out in my head. I had not. It was all so stuffed. Today i said my goodbyes.

kineseology

A friend had been raving about it for a while. And life wasn't great but it wasn't bad either. I saw a sign and thought, if she's free i'll give it a go. Looking for clarity. Looking for answers. Why do i say nothing and stay with a man that treats me like crap, hoping he will come around and accept me and love me. Familiar story, well yes. My mum did the same and is still doing the same, staying with my alcoholic father. Its patterns in life we learn from childhood. Recognizing is the first step i guess. Choosing our partners, choosing our relationships, the way we behave. So the session was successful. It was based around resolving the root of the problems rather than finding strategies for the symptoms. I'm still not quite sure what we did but i emerged with a renewed sense of self and acceptance. I wanted to protect the little girl of my childhood, hold her in my arms and tell her its ok and take her everywhere. I loved myself for the first time in ages. Like really loved myself. I saw some poisonous relationships for what they were and were ready to walk away. I made my peace and gave myself the closure i needed. And as i smiled at the world, with the little girl of my childhood safely in my heart, the world smiled back. I met many a man that seemed so nice and stable. And i didn't get nervous. I was just me. And i didn't drink too much. And i didn't stay too long. I didn't panic about losing something amazing or missing out. It was a great session. I feel renewed. I feel loved and love for myself.

The world is my oyster

With the sun shining, the grand prix at my doorstep, lovely friends and family, single and carefree, a bottomless bank account, a career thats steaming ahead and bits of first world problems, life is pretty good. I'm free. I'm single. Life can be anything i want it to be. I wake each morning to ocean views.

Struggling - a bit

Today he looked good. He was dressed up and on top of his game. Maybe he is better with the possibility of a relationship down the drain. We both are hurt. I don't really know how he feels. Is he hurt? Is he a narcisist? Two very different things but i don't know him at all. Really. Do i just let it go, let him feel good whatever way he can. And there is a man i day dream about. I can't wait for his return to home. I'm looking forward to a night we have both been waiting for a long time. Perhaps it should have been him and I a long time ago. For all that i am upset by a man who turned out to be a pathological liar, i need to thank him for making me appreciate the wonderful man right in front of me all along. I accidently fell for him so he could break my heart and realise that strangers do not fill the gap for years of friendship. And yes its hard. Breakups always are. After all you are the first and only guy i ever introduced to my parents. But really, you didn't really know me did you? Sometimes i hate you? Other times i love you and wish we could spend forever together and that you would give me a convincingly good reason for your infidelity and why you would never do it again. Part of me still loves you. Craves you. Misses you. But reality is what it is. I have my options. You are dodgy and sleazy and have no concept of faithfullness. Thank you goodbye. Hello to another.

I think i dodged a bullet

He was somkebody else or he has problems. Narcistic in a lot of ways. Not once did he really think to walk in anyone else's shoes. It was always me being the nice accomodaing girl. I really really dodged a bullet. A lifetime with him would have been a disaster.

Sometimes i wish he would disapear from my life

Its hard to see him all the time. Most of the time i am over it, but seeing him and knowing how intimate we have been, its hard not to have feelings for him as i see him all the time. Hard to not be aware of him. Hard to stop wandering what really went through his head to say all these things and then act like a dodgy sleazebag behind my back. It just slows down the process. If i were to never see him again, i would just slowly forget about him. I would put it down to that time i accidently fell in love with a white man.

Here is hoping i'm not too late

He's always wanted me. And i have sort of but have been chasing fruitless endeavours along the way. He is wonderful. Here is hoping that i am not too late and that we will be forever. Our lives match just perfectly. Culture, values, family, life goals. It couldn't be any better. I love you K. I'm sorry i didn't realise this sooner. I just needed to get a lot of stuff out of my system. I am all yours now.

The summer of love

This was the summer of love and it's fast approaching it's end as winter dawns. We kicked it off with good friends and good times, drinking to the cricket, to falling in love, to enjoying life, to entering a new stage of our lifes and to friendships, may they blossom and grow for ever and ever. And as winter dawns we look back. The cricket has ended but with it has come a sense of belonging and patrotism for who i am and where i belong in the world. Lankan pride at its best and an appreciation of everything Lanka can offer. It was a summer of dating a white man and learning that it could never work. It was about learning about anti depressents and dating a man with a mental illness and dealing with his infidelity and insecuities. And then it was learning to walk away. It was about realising that a white man is not for me. I can see forever with a man of my own culture. It was about letting an old friendship bloom, talking about the ways of the world and our future. It was about the makings of starting something beautiful. And it was about growing friendhsips for yet another year and realising that friends are forever.

Perhaps I introduced the third person

I've been angry at him all along. But perhaps it was partially me. There was a third person in our relationship, and it was the man that kept calling and listened while you were too busy for me. He was one that i have known for a lifetime. He took me out to dinner, told me time was precious and had deep conversation about life, love, culture, bringing up kids and much much more. We speak all the time these days. He was always there when i was upset. A shoulder to cry on. But then he became a little more than a friend. A little bit of a day dream. I told him we were over. He was like great and then retracted. I told him i felt better and relieved to have called it off. Your right to stray off at this moment in time. There is another in my life. Nothing happening yet but its blooming. I think i had to be with you to appreciate a good man. To appreciate him. To put me off white men forever and appreciate my own. The cricket helps that tad much more. United in our patriotism for where we come from. Proud and Lankan, together we stand.

Of being proud of my own

Maybe being with a white man was never meant to be. I watch the cricket and feel an affinity for my world. For my Lanka and the men that come with it. Its about being proud of who you are. Sticking to what you know and appreciating the multitude of layers that come from a brown man. I've become who i have because of where i come from. And together with a man, we will become a team and continue to shine. And goodbye to the dry toast, the infidelity and dodgyness of it all. Hello to sucess, honesty, family and trust.

Thankyou, goodbye

And its over, just like that. This time there are no regrets. I gave this all i had. I trusted, i worked on myself and i let him in to my life. I reached out and i fell in love. Yes i got trampled all over but i was capable of loving again. And this time i found something that does not work and i walked away. I said goodbye to him. And i really am not looking back. He's not worth the friendship even. And I come out appreciating more of my own culture, knowing how important communication is and how fundamental to a relationship being able to talk to each other are. Perhaps many years ago i made the right decision in letting him go. In haste i fell for him to make myself feel better when another man in my life was treating me like shit. Was this an extended rebound. I just need to be careful not to jump straight in this time. Yes there is a man on my mind. Take my time and let love build.

Time to move forwards without looking back

This is just something that got messier and messier. And it was really the lack of communication. I've never been able to express my feelings, he's never really been there when i've been upset. I've felt neglected all along. And a best friend has been there when i needed a chat and a shoulder to cry on. He waited patiently while i did silly things. I hope i don't lose his heart. A man so trustworthy and lovely. One who's actions follow his words. One who calls me. One who cares about me. One who i can't get wrong because we have been friends for so long. Why have i been blind all this time.

Who cares what he thinks?

He's out of my life. I don't really care. Its all a big waste. I've learnt a lot about myself. I've grown out of this. I've come to appreciate my own. And the men that appreciate me. Sometimes the men are right in front of you. The real good ones that have been there all along.

I was scared of leaving you

Mainly because i am thirty and i thought perhaps i would never meet anyone else that would want to marry me again. This is the first time anyone has ever introduced me to their family and vice versa. You also let me into your friends, your friendship circles. I don't understand at all why you act the way you do and about all this infidelity. You say one thing but mean another. Babe - Last week i was in love with you. I would of stayed. I'll never really know what went through your head. What possessed you to cut me out of that picture? I'll always wonder if its just you or an illness. Today i asked you something work related. You looked slightly elated. There was no love in our eyes. I was platonic and flat, you told me what you needed to know. It was like you were a stranger.

Tomorrow will be a big day

So work is back in full blast but we have yet another work function and he will be there but so will all there is to him and I. I've walked away already in my head. He's slowly fading away. Soon he will not even leave a mark. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

What happened to the man i fell for

Another day has ended. He sets a mere few meters away but not a word to me. Its funny, how you can fall for someone and they walk away without even a glance and don’t even bother to say goodbye. The immaturity astounds me. Is it mental illness, is it mere immaturity? Surely people can’t behave this way on purpose. I’m sad for what I fell for, that its come to this. I’m ready to move on. How to tell him.

The exhileration of success or something else

Yes i loved sitting by the beach for a week, but today at work was fun and thrilling and amazing. Even with an impending breakup. I couldn't stop beaming. Was it being back at work in my element or was it something else? With that something else being the possibility of a new lover and the realisation of the type of man that would make life work. So tonight i jumped on a 11PM call to discuss business strategy. The thing is, i added value. Back in the day i remember hoping to sit on these things, now i'm just needed. I love it, it makes me happy. And with the man i accidently fell for. Part of me is sorry for ever going for him and mucking up his life temporarily. In the end its culture that made me walk away, not so much the illness. Everyone can get ill at any stage, and i believe one can work with it. But fundamentally, the strength of family and relationships and what it takes to be a man just isn't there. There are some beautiful things about my culture, including the depth of the men. I need to wash away my childhood and believe in the good around me. If i could find a man like my grandpa with the best of hearts and souls, my life would be bliss. They being the role models to my relationships, i see where i have gone wrong. I have not searched for the love i crave, i have searched for nothing like it. There is a man i am falling for. When i gave him a call tonight i was nervous. I sent him an email today. Now i'm wondering if i am contacting him too much. This is a good sign. Its a sign that i may be falling for him. I just feel incredibly happy and a weight lifted. I have to just be honest with myself that i've spend the last four months on edge and pretty unhappy. Walking on eggshells. What i feel is relief. Now to let him down gently. When there is no anger left in you and you still care even after crummy things, thats when you know your over it. I could see him with another women. I want him to meet someone else and be happy. I hope he finds his happiness.

Just the other day i thought we were forever

I kept excusing your behaiviour. Even when i found out about the other women and your wandering eye, i thought perhaps i had screwed up. The thing is i didn't. You have a problem. And yes late into our relationship i did start flirting around, perhaps to try and make you jealous. I blamed myself for my actions and kept telling myself you were retaliating. I'm not sure if its because your dodgy or because of this illness that you have. Either way though, something in my mind has clicked. I can't see you in my future no more. I'm not sure if i would even want to kiss you or touch you. Your starting to fade in my world. Your facebook with your multitude of women and your online profile makes it all the easier. Part of me is sad. I can see your suffering and that something is wrong. No one in their right mind would act the way you do. Walking around the office avoiding me on purpose. Its immature at best. But i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. There's is something not quite right. You seem not well. You seem alarmed. Its hurts to walk away because despiting you fading in my mind, i still care about you. I want to be a friend and help you through this if you want my help. My heart is moving on though. Thankyou, goodbye.

Mental Illness - Scary stuff

Mental illness, it’s a scary thing. Do you separate the illness from the person? Wonder what’s going on? If they are really just being mean and dodgy or is it some chemical imbalance in the brain. It’s getting worse. This is odd behaviour. And while I hate to admit it, its putting me off him. I’ve decided to leave for other reasons. This incredibly odd and immature behaviour however makes walking away pretty easy. I’m not sure the attraction I felt which was so intense is even there anymore. Truth be told, I don’t really know him. Heck I can’t even get onto him to have a conversation so we can break up. Or perhaps that’s what he’s worried about. That our next conversation will be just that. But all these women. Some might fall but somehow I just don’t think it will go anywhere. I was incredibly patient. I’m just not sure others will be.

Every one has their own story

And he goes down as the man on anti depressants. Mental illness - scary stuff. But explains why he is still single.

The man thats been there all along

So i called him up and poured my heart out. Had the deepest conversation. And it was built on years of friendship. We share the same views on life, the same passion for finding a significant other that you can conquer the world with, we can share our fears and dreams and have conversations that transcend time. I'm not scared to be me with him. The real me. The one who is slightly insecure but still is so positive. He's been there all along and i've been too blind to notice. I somehow don't think its too late.

The past two weeks have been a little difficult

But as much as i hate the anxiousness and what i know now, I think i needed to go through it. This time it was for a real reason so there wasn't any point in talking myself out of it. Thinking that there wasn't anything to be anxious about. It was a neccessary evil to see reality. That anti depressents are scary, that he might one day push me away in ten years time when things get tough and most importantly, he is cheating on me. You can't excuse everything on a sickness. Perhaps he is just dodgy.

closer to home

There is a man that has always like me. One that has been there all along. On the sidelines asking why we never got together. He said to me the other day that time is precious. We speak all the time. I'm closer to him than most people. He fits in well with my family, we share the same culture and he would be the man i need when times are tough. He's seen me at my worst and also at my best. He knows how brilliant i am, yet knows all about my insecurities. One that i can talk to hours with about true feelings and he does not judge. Sometimes the simplest options are right in front of us and we search for drama in the world, never to be happy. With my man right now, he is chatting up women on an online dating site. Its not the anti depressants. He's just dodgy. Its not about sticking around because you can't leave someone after they tell you that. Its leaving becuase some behaiviour can't be excused. Twice. I'll let some other women have him. Perhaps this is why he is single after all this time.

If i was six months pregnant would i want him to be my man?

And the answer is no. He's proven i can't trust him. He's pushed me away and is dating others. Thankyou, goodbye. Its as simple as that.

i think i am ready to say goodbye

Its taken a while. But at some stage you realise that the man your in love with just does not feel the same. When he takes a pic of you and cuts your out, what more is there to say? goodluck to him with other women i say. I'm out. I want faithful and loyalty. You are just a cheater.

I'm thinking about a man thats closer to home

I've known him for a long time. I also think i am his dream girl, but for real. He knows my culture, he wants a lifestyle that fits, he craves for me.

He's seen me at my worst and still has feelings for me. He's seen me at my best and isn't intimidated.

Isn't this what true love is about? It took us a while to get there but we are here now.  I can be honest with him. He is not scared of unconditional love and family.  I can talk to him about anything.

I went for a man thats not so right for me. Hoping to live fairytales in my mind.

But in reality he is seeing other women. His words are all that they are.

Yet there is a man that just works culturally. One i could have a future with.

Decisions, decisions.

Second chances

He gets one without asking. This is for spending the next month loving him unconditionally. This is for giving this everything i have.  This is for trying my best before walking away because i have not been honest and i have not made life all that easy for him.

Its because he tried so hard the other weekend and i could see he was tired and i could see the effect of the medicine on him and its because deep down i love him and know that in the way he squeezes my hand that he loves me too.

The next few days i just need to back off. See what happens when back at work. Be incredibly nice to him until he comes back once more.

Love him unconditionally because i care and because i can see that he is the man thats meant for me.

Just for a month and see where we are at and hope for the best.

A month does not take any time from thirty years. Other men will still be there. Life will still be fabulous.

I've found a reason to drop him

The thing is, there was a man i once loved. Sometimes i think i still do. I let him break me once. But a second time - that is my fault.

Perhaps i should not of thrown caution to the wind. Perhaps i should have waited to trust him.

That photo of him and i. He cut me out and put it on a dating site. Is there no better goodbye that that? Why would i even stick around. Trust destroyed in a second.

And there is many a man who i have tole of him, who is the love of my life. Maybe they will be interested.

The man that thinks out lives will be perfect together because we are just a fit. The man that craves for me because i'm someone new that he met and

Its scary

So i created a profile as someone else and got talking to him. He's already asked me out for coffee. Thanks Babe - so much for the talk of marriage and all that. No wonder valentines was so drab. Was it with somebody else. Screw you.

All in or nothing at all

Sometimes living your life in the sidelines, playing games and waiting for a knight in shining armour is fruitless. I've been one foot in and one foot out lately.  I know he has a problem. I know i want to be there for him. I know i want to tell him i love him. Yet my actions and his are of two people playing games. The way he holds me, the way he confides in me, it can't be a lie. It just can't.

But then i need to stop these games. Yes he has a profile but so have i, i just hide it better and i play games on facebook with him and flirt with other men to get his attention.

If its neglect i'm feeling, i should just walk away rather than play silly games in a hope he will get jealous and come running back.

Four months is early days. Perhaps we need to be friends for a little while first and see how we go.

Part of me is also scared for the future. That i'm getting older and that time is running out to meet the man of my dreams. I'm scared of wasting time with him. The hardest bit is not knowing if i'm in or out. If he were to turn around and break it off, it would not be a bad thing. A relief really. But everytime i ask he talks of marriage and going off the meds and never playing games with me. Yet he's not exactly honest.

But is this human nature. I kissed a man a saturday night ago, i haven't let a old flame i'm taken, i flirt with other men for attention and a few wednesdays ago i let a man take me out on a date. I'm not exactly in am i?

So do i have a leg to stand on because he is online and speaking to others? Can i blast him for putting a picture up and cutting me out of it? The same picture i looked at to feel less anxious.

Last night was bad. The anxiety came back. But this time i couldn't use the technique from the councillor. Mainly because i had reason to feel anxious. But then it was a reminder of what he must be feeling. This morning though the walk along the beach helped. The fresh air and my tunes in my ears. I have been struggling.

I think its time to walk away

I've found an online profile of him. And it had a picture of him and me but with me cut out.

I think thats the sign to walk away.

Thankyou, goodbye

sometimes i just want to crawl up in a little ball and cry

I hate this. Perhaps i need to say goodbye. Perhaps not.

Is it the tablets. Is it him? His words are so sweet. But then he is not who he made himself out to be.

And i've found a reason not to trust him

But really i went looking. And i'm not even sure if its real. Oh whats going on.

The lack of communication is an issue. I'm not sure i can do this anymore.

I want to. I wish i could. Its hard.

And its a trust thing. And how much of it is the tablets. How much of it is me.

The world is my oyster, but do i really want it?

So yesterday i was looking at B-school apps. I have a chance to get in. I was looking at the campus, the curriculum, where i want to go in the world. I could feel a certain thirst for knowledge and feel the euporia of being able to dedicate myself to studying full time again. I craved it.

The easiest way would be to do it part time in my home city. One of the best in the country, world class but somehow still in my reach so easily that it would feel like i was settling.

But then really, how much does it matter. I don't need it for career progression. I want the status and the prestige, but really i want to study with the best and be surrounded by brillient minds.

Then i think of my life. My family, my boyfriend, my friends. Do i really want to take a year out of a life that i have worked hard to build? Have i not travelled enough in my twenties to satiate that craving.

And then two logistics. Not having a significant salary. What to do with my furniture. How do i go from a bachlerette pad with ocean views to student accomodation and no salary?

Sounds of the ocean with the wind blowing through my hair

And i'm back on the deck overlookingthe waves on this overcast day in paradise. A hike to a secret beach in thongs, scrabling through rocks, leaches and an impromptu visit to a chocolate factory. First world problems at it's best.

Sometimes i love this blog because it is anonymous. Its where i get to brain dump all that is going in, in my mind. To say i haven't been sad and upset and a tad anxious about not hearing from my man would be a lie. He is in my thoughts constantly and lingering in the shadows, wondering why he doesn't call.

I know depression and anxiety are big, I know its the medicine pushing him away, i know everytime we speak he is wonderful and i have no reason to think there is anything wrong with us. I know its his problem and not mine and that i need to stop taking it personally.

He retreated after valantines day when i was disapointed at him. I haven't heard from him at all. I'm struggling.

But then i think back to the days of no men in my life. It was always a downer, not having someone to trust and share your life with. But now there is a man i am falling in love with that is reciprocating it back the best he can. Possibly even better than any man has in the past. One that can see a future with me by his side.

Everyone has their demons. Here i am fighting an illness and some medicine for he has a heart of gold. Not in one instance has he done the wrong thing by me. The hardest thing is dealing with my own insecurities and sticking through.

Sometimes its tempting to run. To wish he would do something that would make me walk. Living ten feet above the ground is easier. Does not require understanding and compormise. No relationship is easy and the best ones are the ones that get through time.

Sometimes i think with my stand offs i am playing games of resentment. It true i feel neglected. Its true i crave to run away into the arms of a more frivolous man that will fall for me for a moment before disapearing into the night.

Life is complicated. Its happy. Its sad. Its about good friends.

If only i could shake this off and just be happy for a moment. Not think of him when he has pushed me away. I will stick it out for a few months. In four months time i want to mark this day and see how i feel.

Will it turn around or will i seep deeper and deeper into un happiness. Sometimes one needs to time tag these things. While its great to be patient, sometimes one cannot throw away a life so easily.

I hope we work. I think he is a great man.

Lazing around by the ocean

I'm sitting on the sun chaires on our balcony deck, the ocean breeze in my hair and the sounds of waves crashing onto the shore in the air. Tunes from musix Max sneaking in from inside. Good friends, good times. Nothing to do.

Went for a jog along the ocean this morning an wandered back along the shore, letting my feet catch the waves and watching the world go by. Sometimes this is bliss. What holidays are all about.

A bit of time out from the pressures of life. Saying goodbye to all that doesn't work. Coming back refreshed and better than ever.

Its about calling those friends i haven't had a chance to chat to in a while. Its about talking shit and about life with good friends from long ago andrealising that i have barely let the friendships thrive in the complexity and hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Its about relaxing by the beach and just not worrying!

On just enjoying my chill out time

I've run off for a sea change for just a a week with some good friends from a lifetime ago. I love it. A beach house, the ocean, the water, the luxuries in life thrown in with the thrill of an early morning jog.

The ability to chill and just do nothing and love it all the same.

Its been a perfect few days. Time out from a life that moves way too fast. I'm sitting here, with the ocean whispering in my ears while i listen to some cheesy country tunes and type up this blog while the others sleep.

Its about friendships and keeping them alive. Its about giving my man his space. Its about experiencing true love. With all its adventures, moments of ecstatic happiness and learning to accept your lover for who they truly are, the good and the bad, and revealing your true self to the man you love and being vulnerable to rejection.

Its about not playing silly games and just giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight i miss him. Most nights i miss him. But i think he is going through a lot. I love him to be patient. He still makes me feel like i am the centre of his life, the only girl that matters.

And in the meantime while i wait i will have a fabulous time. I have one of the best lives ever. Things just could not get better.

On not playing games

What is the point anymore. If one has met the man of their dreams and wants to make it work and he has provided no reason not to give him the benefit of the doubt, why play all these games.

The hardest thing is admitting to yourself that you have fallen hard for a man. Tp let yourself be vulnerable.

The thing is, i am in a relationship. He is my man. I do trust him.

I should stop myself from communicating with him. He is different to every man i have ever dated.

I think we are just right for each other. We work.

Taking time out

So i've got a week chilling by the beach with some close friends from an old place we used to work in. Seven days of bliss.

Sometimes living in oz, you forget that some of the worlds best beaches is a mere stones throw away. It's that stage in life where one can afford to throw a couple of grand for a week by the beachside and not even eat into savings.

So we have a massive beach house across from the ocean and a beautiful lake known for its tea tree oil and calming effects. Its relaxing, its fun, its what i need.

And the friends, I worked with them once. It was a long time ago and i started my first ever graduate job with them. Since then we have all moved on. But the friendship remains.

So i sit around in our luxury beachhouse, enjoying the peace and the moments.

My man on the other hand is another thing. I love him lots but wonder what he's upto. In some ways i feel so close to him. In other ways i wonder if we are together at all.







Deep down he is everything i want. Will we work out? who knows?

A strange sense of comfort

Who would have thought taking a week off work to study would be so rewarding and enriching. Something so basic like english and math can bring so much happieness. I've been enjoying wandering through the halls of university where i once spent another lifetime in.

I sat in that familiar table, overlooking university square. Except this time round i am a more accomplished, more focused, more confident self. Except this time around its just me. My friends have long left this place and there is no boyfriend to share those study moments with. This time i went straight to the underground carpark rather than scrounging around for cheap parking and moving cars.

Its been a brillient few days. I've loved exercising my brain. Its been nice to spend time on my own. Its been nice to get away from the alcohol riddled corporate world.

To B school or not

So tomorrow is my exam. I have had a nice time taking a week off work to study. Doing maths and english and being locked away in a library all on your own can be lovely sometimes. I've been living in my own little world.

Back when i was at uni, i knew those days would be the best days of my life. And i took advantage of it.

This latest test, studying for it has been enjoyable. Jogging my brain and rediscovering a thirst for kmowledge.

This week i have been thinking too. Perhaps B-school is not for me. This test is really just a rite of passage i had to do before settling for something a little less.

The tide is changing and i no longer crave to be a CEO or be the best in the world. I don't want to disrupt my life for a year at Harvard or Yale.

And settling really isn't settling. It's the best australia and asia have to offer.

Life is sometimes about shades of perfection. My life just couldn't get better.

Shades of grey

Hanging out at that backpacker joint once more, clutching onto the morsels of anonymity which affords me there. I fit right in with my journal, glass of vino and pizza. And i look ten years younger than i am.

So they were chatting me up. I was honest and being me, something that comes with age. That ability to laugh at yourself, say exactly whats on your mind and be brimming with that exclusive touch of confidence that can be ever so sexy.  Its about being comfortable in your own skin.

A few too many drinks later, i yanked myself away. Does one steal a quick kiss, give out a number, never return a phonecall. It could have been a moment.

And somewhere else my man is going through a lot. He does not want me close. But want me he does. And i too crave for him.

Losing oneself in this make believe world, i'm not sure if i should continue on my escapes. Is it time to say goodbye?

Thinking things through

There is something to be said about the wander along a sunday market as well as the spirituality of seeing my tarot reader aka clinical psychologist under the staires. Sometimes a trusted source and someone to talk thing through with is all i need.

Understanding what he's going through, the science behind his medicine and the ins and outs of depression and anxiety.

I'm here to stay and i feel a tad more informed in being with him. How to draw him close and enjoy each others company.

I need to be in or out

And tonight i think i have decided that i am in. I love him really, and there are so many wonderful things about him. He has ticked the boxes that no other man has and made me feel ever so special.

While his anxiety isn't easy, it must be a hundread times worse for him. But he is open and honest, trusting me with everything.

I just need to have my own life and be by his side. Let him initiate things at his own pace and just be there. I am strong. Often i just need to know that, there is no other for him but me. And he had made that clear time and time again.

Patience, love and care.

For him and i, we can be powerful together. We can work through this.

There are too many wonderfuls about him to let him go. He is definitely a keeper.

Why is love so complicated

I know he's on these tablets and that he has a problem. He seems so genuine when i finally speak to him. But really, i can't keep feeling like this.

Is this what next year will bring, and the next.

It was a pretty bitchy comment i sent to him. This is the most disapointing valentines day i've ever had.

Straight to the ego heh - no wonder he has withdrawn. But this is him too. Ignoring me.

Would it kill him to pick up the phone and call.

Today was a disapointment

A measly text on valentines day. Then i tried to get in contact and you have disapeared, yet again.

I know your going through a lot - but this is a bit much isn't it.

This isn't a relationship. I feel like you have pretended to be somebody else when we got together.

Was this your plan all along, reel me in with sweet words and do the bare minimum you can for the rest.

Sometimes i hate you.

What i really want

I don't give a shit about your house in france or how much you earn. What i really want is a guy that wants to hear my voice each day, hear about my day and can't wait to tell me about his.

Hundreads of girls would kill to be with you.

I just don't need your wealth. I need your love.

I remember when you used to be crazy about me

But i still think you are.

You try to avoid me but i can see that my every move makes a difference with you.

Baby i love you. Your the best. I miss you.

I actually love him

Sometimes i just think we will work out perfectly.

We will work through this.

I can tell he likes me. I can see when he gets nervous.

Last night

So i went out on that date. It was intimate but i did not get too close. We had a good time chatting. I even invited him up for coffee. Yet i kept my distance.

Because you know what, he wasn't you. I love you baby.

Today things seemed a little better, sort of, maybe.

And then you saw me with him and then you retreated back into your shell.

But really its not me. Your the one with the problem and i have to stop finding excuses.

I really am ready to walk. I can't even break up with you as you are avoiding me.

How are you?

How are you?

Such simple words.

How do I say to you that an old friend came onto me  during a study session and that while it didn’t go anyway, I didn’t necessarily push him away either. How do I say to you that I went on a date with a man that was not you and that I actually had a good time and I invited him back for coffee and while that also lead to nothing, I may even see him again. 

How do I say to you that you not answering my calls and messages and not wanting to see me and not having a way to communicate with you is making me feel confused and powerless and then I just end up feeling angry and eventually supressing my feelings with a smile and resenting you. So much so that I had to see a councillot to figure it all out. 

How do I say to you that I am thinking of leaving.

I'm Jealous

I have been for a while.

You touched her the other day and complimented her on her dress right in front of me. And you had not complimented me for weeks. I hated you for that.

And i wonder if i want to be with a guy thats so outrageously flirtatious.

You let the other girl know that she was good looking.

Other women complement you and know you by name.

You brag about your wealth.

Perhaps those compliments were not just for me. Perhaps i wasn't your dream girl.  Perhaps your just a prick of a guy, a sleazebag. Just like your boss describes you.

I just accidently fell for you.

I hate you now. You pretended to be someone else. I fell for you. You broke my heart. Now i am leaving.

It hurts to walk away but sometimes you need to. I really do hate you. As the tears flow its all coming out. I can't keep it in and be accomodating anymore. Its too hard.

Fuck you.

Ready to walk away

Its been like this for the past two or three months. He has consistently ignored me on numerous occasions and cancelled. I have excused him for work, being sick and whatever else. But the reality is, its been a few months and i don't want this to become the norm.

I'm ready to move to the next stage in life. And there is still many a man.

And in the past i have let so much drag on. Time is precious.

Love needs to be patient but i have done my time with you. I want greener pastures if you are not ready.

Baby - this could be your thankyou, goodbye.

I have a date for wednesday night

And its not with you.

Time is running out.

I'm getting defensive

I've been chasing him for a while. Accomodating. Nice. Taking the back seat with my own feelings. I've had enough.

Its time for make or break and i will tell him so.

Two can be like this. I have nothing more to say to you.  I want you to msg me so i can ignore you.

You need to make up for your behaiviour over the last few months. Otherwise it's thankyou goodbye.

Because time is precious. And while i love you, if your going to continue to ignore me, i am going to fall for the man in my life that is emotionally available.

This could be thank you goodbye.

Courage to walk away comes from within. I want to know now if this will not work and walk away and let the man on the sidelines in.

I'm ready to settle and start another life. I need to face in the same direction as my man.

Who knows - will it be you or him?

This is all your doing. Why did you ignore me all these months? Get complacent? Or is this just the real you?

I'm still sad

Part of me rejoices. For a while i struggled to feel and cry. The way i am feeling right now, shows that i care. That i've worn my heart on a sleeve and he's trampled all over it.

I'm jealous. But i think its because of all the crap from my father. He used to love my cousins over me. I associate him with that paternal influence and i think deep down i get scared that i am not number one.

Sometimes i am not. I got jealous when he complimented both the girls at work. When he was chummy with her. I was retaliating really. Out of jealousy.

Almost

I almost want him to put his profile back up so that i may break up with him for a good reason.

a trip down memory lane

I'm trying to feel happy. I dug up some old photo's and journals. It always amazes me about how wonderful a life i have had. Just read through my journal in the himalayas. Day to day feelings outside of relity.

Me and D will work out. I just know it. Its just a glitch in the road and we will need to work through it.

The thing is i love him.

Taking that first step

So i have always wanted to live in a castle in Paris and study an MBA. I have taken the first step and signed up for the GMAT and a week of annual leave to study.

Head down. Lets give it a go.

I wonder where life will take me.

A man as potential. A career as potential.

Yes things are sad right now. But i don't really have any problems.

A three figure salary, an apartment with ocean views, an investment portfolio and now have my heart set on the worlds finest MBA schools.

It might work out with him and perhaps it won't. Either way, will life be that bad?

i kind of did stuff up

So the night was young and it was work drinks. Politics alive and thriving and i was pressing all the right buttons, visibly engaging with who i needed to play these corporate games. And heading off for a quiet drink with the directors and letting the rumours run wild with those that were not engaging with me, just sealed the deal.

But i forgot that my boyfriend was there. Yes, you know the guy thats i love because he is straight forward and plays no politics. And i accidently ignored him and left without saying goodbye to go drinking with other men and had rumours run wild that i was out till two until it was souvlaki time.

And i said i was sorry. If the tables were turned i would be furious.

I'm mad at a consistancy in his behaiviour. But i am wrong too.

Stoopid really. He is the only man for me.

Things are going awesomely at work

I got yet another award this morning. Isn't it grand.

Yet i'm not sure if it excites me anymore. I feel it's at the price of a relationship.

Baby i love you, not work, not him.

I'm sorry.

I just can't do this anymore

Tears and heartache. You've been ignoring me consistently for months. You have barely thrown me a compliment in a long time.

I didn't fall for you. I fell for someone you pretended to be.

I'm hurt because you don't answer my calls, return my messages or call me beautiful anymore. You push me away, treat others so well and barely give me a glance.

Its thankyou, goodbye. Thanks for breaking my heart.

There are so many wonderful things about him...

There really is and my heart sings out to him.

Everygirl craves to be spoiled though. Feel special. Have her man call her about forevers together. Flowers and oh to be called beautiful.

We are drifting apart.

I'm working through my issues. But this feeling is not anxiety. Its sadness and i think this time it is based in reality. On what i need.

It makes me cry to think i might break up with him. That perhaps him and I are not to be and we just moved really fast. The spark is only partially there.

I want the guy i fell for. The one who seemed to think i was magic. Is he still there? Has he changed his mind?  Is he just feeling secure in his complacency.

I think he is a wonderful man. I have tears in my eyes at the thought that i might walk away.

Decisions....

Dry Toast

Once, a long time ago, a indian friend of mine said that dating a white man was like eating dry toast.  She was reffering to communication styles.

The cultural part is what i am scared of. That relationships mean a lot more to me that him. That i'm going to keep feeling empty inside and stray.

The thing is i am crazy about him. Can see a future with him. Yes, there are things going on in his life which makes it stressful. But he's not excited to see me anymore. He wants to slow things down. He barely communicates with me. I don't know how to express my own feelings.

I think we are ok. He thinks i'm lovely. He's just busy with trying to work out his life.

I'm trying not to play these games. But its just the emptiness of it all. When we are together, and he holds me tight and brushes away my hair, the other night when he told me he loved me when he thought i was sleeping. He has these feelings in him.

A spark is dying. I want the old him back. The guy i fell for.

Trouble in paradise once more

We struggle to communicate.

I know i stuffed up. Like real bad. If the tables were turned i would be furious.

My way of dealing with things is to talk through it, quickly. His way of dealing with things is to get some space and time to cool down and think.

The result is i feel unwanted and lonely and he feels crowded. We both feel crummy.

Or maybe i just need to chill.

But the underlying issue is that we are barely seeing each other. Is he avoiding me?

Have we lost that spark?

I don't think we have. The way he held me the other night. The way we fell asleep together.

We will work through this. Can't be too hard can it. I just need to back off.

Deep down

I wish i could loose all my humility and fall in love with you. Bare desrie's , pure intelligence.

Life does not work that way. Its survival of the fittest and being fit does not necessarily mean being clever.

In my world he is my hero.

changing of the tide

Its that sense of security and the fact that he has not really ever done anything wrong by me. Sure he ignores me for days and doesn't want to speak to me daily, but no man has in years and its still early days.

Sometimes he just wants life to be easy, not communicate too much, take it easy, lay in the dark and squeeze my hand tight. Men and women are so different. I hope we grow into each other, learn to be more honest and spill our deepest darkest secrets without fear of being judged.

Things are almost always going well. Its just scary sometimes. We are not getting any older and this really is putting it all with one man.

I do care for him, perhaps sometimes i think i love him. Time will tell, but can i afford the time?

Last friday night

My man took me to a movie and dinner. He held my hand and hugged me so tight. He held my hand and squeezed tight. All night we lay in each others arms and in the morning we hung out in domenstic bliss.

Sometimes we say nothing to each other but that squeeze of his hand on mind feels wonderful. I think he is amazing. I can't believe he is mine.

Work does not help. Its so impersonal. Yet we will work through.

There are quirks, the occasional insecurity, a little bit of anxiety from the past. But really, i think we are good and he is wonderful.

Its past midnight and i'm still working

And its not so bad. Its that rish once again of working hard. This time on performance appraisals and i am craving pulling an allnighter. Its already one am and i am only half way through. My deadline is midnight tomorrow night. Better to do it tonight that run out of time tomorrow.

I have not done it in a while. It excites me that i still can. I hate the pressure but then i love it too.

It makes me feel successful.

There is another man that could be the "one"

Right now the man of the moment that isn't necessarily doting on me is getting all my attention.

Then there is this other man with a promise of lifetime of happiness.

I am falling for my man, but i don't know if these feelings are mutual. I don't know if this is how the world is supposed to spin.

Perhaps i should walk away for nothing will ever be perfect.

Perhaps i should go with the one man thar thinks i am the one, rather than the perhaphs, maybe , that adds a young singaporean girl that he barely knows to his profile but barely gives me a look in.

Balls in his court. If he is into me, he will let me know. Otherwise lets quickly get on with life....

Technology is stoopid

So a month or so back i added him on facebook. He never added me back and my request has gone very much ignored. At times he makes me wonder if he has never noticed. At other times i wonder if he is deliberately ignoring me.

Sometimes things are perfect. Other times, not so much.

Time will tell. I am in retreat mode. If he notices, who knows. If he doesn't, perhaps i am reading too much into this.

I thought i heard him say...

We were fast asleep but he was still holding me tight and he told me he would look after me and whispered that he loved me. That was a moment.

I don't think he thought i heard.

But i can see that he is in love. And so am I.

We can try to deny these things but reality comes through in our sweet kisses and beautiful embraces. I think he's perfect.

The perfect wedding

It was like a fairytale come true as my best friend got married and i was the maid of honor. Walking down the aisle, watching her stunning entrace, putting her dress on, holding her veil and train, witnessing those wows and signing their marriage certificate.

Wandering about town with our fairy princess, the bridal party in all its beauty.

Life was just beautiful. The inside view and driving around in out old cars. posing, photo shoots and magical moments.

And then that reception and meeting my man there, and the way he kept looking at me and telling me i was gorgeous. Glancing at me at moments and treating my best friend so well and being sweet and ever so gorgeous, holding me tight and making me feel like his dream girl.

And then i love him once more, sort of, maybe

The thing is, i have taken a step back, but now his step backwards is moving forwards.

Sometimes i think we are perfect in terms of mutual attraction. We are both wanting each other and to claim that space as each other's significant other. Every now and then the balance is upset and one of us pulls away, only to be drawn back once more.

Today was a tough day. Work wise, the pressure to perform, the stress of work in general. But then i get paid the big bucks for the pressure i do take on.

And when it comes to my man, i've been feeling jealous and neglected. I can't help it. But perhaps i have no reason to feel this way.

Who knows.

Second thoughts

That rush of feeling is gone. I wasn’t excited to see him. I’m not even excited for the weekend. Feeling a tad bland about it all.  I have not seen him in two weeks. That’s ok. The thing I don’t like is the lack of communication. We just don’t speak. How is one to have a future. Perhaps one day, perhaps maybe. But time is precious. There are many a man now but will not be forever. Will we work?  I’m not sure. I’m just wondering if we are looking in the same direction, where are priorities lie.

Second thoughts

Today on the plane to somewhere else i was having some doubts and him and I. That perhaps i misread the signals. The sweet gestures that i thought were meant just for me, was perhaps just his natural flirtiness with women and him just being nice. Perhaps i wasn't the girl that got away or one he had on a pedestal.

Then i was thinking of how he wasn't curry. How we don't communicate much. How i have not had a conversation with him in two weeks or so.

Time is precious. There is another potential on the sidelines wanting to know where my heart lies.  A best friend from long ago that knows all my secrets and deepest thoughts.

I'm just not impressed by him right now. That touch in front of me and that compliment he gave to her, also in front of me. Was it disrespectful? What was he hoping to achieve? Or was that just his natural flirty self? It's just made me feel a little impartial.

Life is bliss

Somewhere along the way it all just worked out. Life became perfect.

I look at my problems and the world around me, and relaise that i really have no problems. The biggest decision i have to make is weather or not to buy that pearl necklace from Tiffany's and if the money is truly worth it.

I have everything. I love who i am. I am proud of me.

What else could one ever ask for in life?

I still want to do an MBA and live in a castle in the outskirts of Paris

And i feel as if i will make it happen. Perhaps.

I have a man but he is not everything. I have the world at my fingertips.  Perhaps we will work and i will do a local MBA, take a few years off, have kids and live hapilly ever after.

Or i continue as i am, wildly successful and traversing the world. Studying at one of the worlds best institutes and having one of those careers that goes in leaps and bounds.

Isn't love beautiful?

Love is a complicated thing

Sometimes i question this and that, although on at a high level it seems like all is well.

He is pushing back on me, wanting space but then not really for he includes me in everything almost in his life. I'm invited to meet his closest friends and be his date for every where he goes.

Yet he never calls me or answers my calls. I've let him know how crazy i am about him, he pushes me away. I will take a step back for the moment.

Today i felt sad for he touched another girl in passing. Nothing secual, just a touch of the hand on an expression and he told her, her dress looked so nice. I don't get such compliments anymore. I haven't heard a compliment in quite a while.

I miss the way he used to be. Maybe that was to reel me in. Maybe he is no longer into me. Maybe i just need to take it slow in my head.

And i, I am not making it easy on him. Flirting with men in the office but not really. Trying to make him jealous when all i want is him.

It's all so complicated. All is good. We will just get through this as nothing is really wrong. This is just the rollercoaster of a fresh love. The ups and downs are what make it so exciting.

Men are funny creatures

So he had a freak out (again) and i diffused it with laughter and brought him to his senses. Drama is not my thing.

I can see the spark returning. Today he couldn't get enough of me.

Oh the excitement of love and dating. Sometimes you just need to enjoy the anticipation of it all, before it turns to that quiet confort of a love that will last a lifetime.

A blast from memory lane

It's that year of weddings and engagements for me. Last night was a blast from the past. Catching up with the tronix crew from uni days. It's hard to believe that I have had years of my life where I went out clubbing three times a week with these guys. Now some of them are married and the conversations have changed. We have all made it in the world, careers blazing ahead and making it in society. I caught them eating carrots as they worry about age and waistlines. It's funny to think back to the days of these guys sporting six pacs while living on xbox and junk food.


We drank coke and complained about how loud the music was and we spoke about settling down and having kids.


I look fondly back at that time. Of the little girl I was. A perfect body but ever so insecure and in search of answers only maturity and time could answer.

I still want to take over the world

So today by the lake as I was thinking, I started getting excited again. I'm willing to compromise for love and not even see it as a compromise. Yet, there is an exciting life to continue with.

An MNA in the outskirts of Paris, speaking French, helping a friend out with his cambodian charity and letting that best friend from uni days turn into a lover as he so craves.

I sometimes wonder if I am just too traditional. Perhaps I am chasing the unknown, in some way trying to reconcile a rejection and prove something I don't need to.

Truth is that there is a man that really knows me deeply. That I can open up and have conversations with that do transcend time. One who has been my best friend through the years, proven himself time and time again.

Love is a rollercoaster

It's a funny thing love. Or that feeling somewhere between like and love. He came on so strong and recently I've just been trying to be nice. But it's time to take a step back, maintain some balance.

We really are two people trying to see if we are meant to be together. Two people who have lived their lives, fallen in love and had their hearts broken one too many times. Sometimes it's baby steps to let yourself love again.

He thinks we are moving too fast. He is stressed. He acts like he can't get enough of me sometimes.

Today I felt sad a little. Because sometimes I would love some reassurance. Because he is adding everyone but me on Facebook.

So far he has deserved the benefit of the doubt. He has been wonderful and I feel secure.

Patience is key , and continuing to live my life to the fullest.

Today I went for a walk down by the lake and sat on the grass listening to some tunes. It was beautiful really. It's that beautiful place to get some fresh air, contemplate the world, feel lucky for all that you have and develop the confidence to walk away or stay, knowing that life will be beautiful regardless.

Here is a man where I think we could have a future. But by no means am I disillusioned. Time will tell. Am I in love with what could be rather than what is?

I recall my first love, extreme highs, the courage to be brutally honest without knowing what hurt feels like, and conversations that transcend time.

Sometimes we feel like dry toast. I wonder if we could ever just open up. That real deep conversations.

Only time will tell...

Me and my man

Life is just swimming along. He is my man and we keep in contact almost daily and it feels so natural. I get excited when i see him and thinking of him makes me smile.

Sometimes i get scared about getting married, having kids, letting go of this career i've worked so hard to build, getting pregnant, the pain of child birth and living some other life.

He's a fully grown man. He's lived a certain part of his life and so have i. We will enter phases of life together and grow together while having had full filling lives of our own. The challenge will be learning to live with each other. Together and forever.

Its like i have lived all my life, making mistakes, having adventures and following my heart. And then one day i woke up and realised the man of my dreams has been right in front of me all along.

Second chances are beautiful.

The best new years in the history of time

So i celebrated with a kiss on the hour while sitting on my mans lap, shared a glass of the worlds best champagne and fell asleep in his arms. Woke up to a cuddle and a walk along the ocean and then he took me to a beautiful lookout and lunch by the ocean. Holding hands, stealing glances and kisses, dropping in to say hello to his parents and pick up his dog, long drives.

Some days are just perfect. Today was one of those.

Light bulb moment

So this is one realtionship i really do not want to stuff up, yet i know there are some things that are fundamentally wrong with me and also certain issues that i have not worked through in my head which may be impacting on the way i feel and behave.

So yesterday i went and saw a councillor. And it was mass moments of revelations that i had not even thought of. The reasons i thought were clear and simple, were just not the case.

So the the alcoholism from my dad in my childhood and the constant fighting and tension filled air of my childhood is having an effect on me despite my close relationship with my family these days. It seems i have learnt to be anxious through childhood because thats all i know and i associate it with any close relationships.

Hence why i feel that way regardless of how good things are going. The last two days, the strategies she helped me out with together with being conscious of this has really helped.

Its tough but i want to make the new man in my life work. Its not all rosy, but life is about compromise.

On meeting his family

So xmas lunch was just about perfect. Something i know how to play well is being the perfect girlfriend in front of the parents. Flowers for his mother and chocolates for the others.

I'm all that is poise and elegance. A simple yet sweet dress, understated Tiffany no's and a beautiful smile on my face.

It was lovely spending time with him. Holding his hand, cuddling up in his arms

Dig Dig Dig

You know when something goes wrong and you try to put a bandaid on it and it just gets worse and worse.

Well i'm not sure about this new relationship. It was all good for a bit. And then one day he got drunk and forgot about some commitments he made with me, and then i gave him the silent treatment and then i realised he still had an online profile and then he took it down and didn't feel like speaking to me, and then i felt bad for getting mad at him and then tried making it up by calling him, but he kept avoiding me, and then he kept getting sick and i kept flying off to sydney and then his career was not going so well and then all of a sudden i won an award even though i thought mine was going as shit and then i said soemthing to belittle his ego at work and then he started avoiding me on the phone unless it was to do with him directly but all along he still had an open invite to meet his family and tomorrow i will meet his but i;m not so sure because in the last day he put his profile up but i am meant to trust him so i should not even know this.

Life is tough. Do i say nothing and keep the peace. I can always walk away another day.

The things is i have already told my parents about you. I wish i had realised that you had put your profile back up. If i had of known, you would not mention a word. In fact i would go to my parents instead of yours.