That guy is a distant memory

So the last man i was with. He was gone for a spiritual journey. He is back now. I may have wanted hime before he left but i don't want him now. Not because he is better or worse. But we didn't work. He was not respectful with me. He was selfish. And he can pretend to be as spiritual as he wants but i know he treated me like shit. And if that is how you treat those closest to you, your grand gestures mean very little.

time and time again i start over

Its hard. I do so well generally. and at times i do so well all the time. I need to find a way to capture that. All the external things i cared about have fallen away. I care about me on the inside. its different.

Day before a new me

So tomorrow I head off on a 21 day silent meditation retreat. I am actually pretty excited. To have an opportunity to disconnect and just focus on being mindful, kind and compassionate.

The last few weeks I have not been as consistent with meditation - or not at all. So this is a welcome change for I know meditation has always been like a massage whose effects disappear over time but doesn't completely go away.

Hanging out in this Thai town I feel a difference in me and my experience. Where once I would have been haggling at markets and seeing people trying to screw me over - these days I see the genuine happy people as they are. I feel I am making connections. And just being nice and people are nice in return.

This is an inspiring place. I saw an old Thai lady, could barely walk, dressed in white selling 20 baht crackers. She wasn't pushy and simply stood outside shops and every vendor bought something little from her out of respect. I felt bad she was still working. But in some ways that's real human connection she has. Strangers and people that just care.

So tomorrow as I disconnect and go within myself I wonder about the me that will emerge. Meditation has just been an amazing part of my life and I can't even imagine the profound changes that are possible. I have a really good feeling about this.

Life is good right now. I could not ask for more. 

Its hard to say goodbye properly

So I do miss you. But its still goodbye. You dion;t want to bail me out or make me feel better in this moment in time. In this moment in time that you can decide if I matter. And you choose to let the universe matter. There days of wild young love is long gone. You told me yourself.  You could not get that feeling back.

So there is a man I miss above all for the days of young love. But shomit you are long gone. And so is the new you. Its about now just finding excitement or excitement if someone comes my way.  or if some man turns up that's loves me with kindness and compassion. The kindness and compassion that flows. If I ever meet that man I am more than his to dedicate to his cause for ever. 

Tonight you connected back to Melbourne but choose not to include me

even if it was in private, I would have loved to be part of a conversation.  but you chose some friends.

 I mean nothing to you. Which is ok but it still makes me cry and feel sad.

But I will be ok. You were a random that I gave too much credit to. I slept with you too early. You used me for sex and I used you for connection. We kerns life lessons from each other where meeting was not a waste of time.

But you go your way and I go mine. I don't think we will meet again. I miss Dee and I miss shomit more than I miss you.

You were always half way.

There is a lesson to learn here I have yet to learn. That is why I am still here.

Cloud nine is not always that great

Great advice from Sadhguru. That walking on cloud nine means coming crashing down. Its that delicious fragile difference between inner peace and contentment and too much desire and delusion.

To love without expectation is mastery of something greater. 

Day 2 - Inner engineering

I do feel a shift happening. And I will give this technique a go. I felt happy and in the moment today although my body wasn't cooperating.

A lot of the material is similar to what I have been listening to in the last few months but nice to hear it again from a different angle. I'm interested in the energy work as well and the Kriyā technique he taught. I will do it for forty days and six months and document my new journey. Maybe this is the spiritual awakening I have been seeking. 

Inner engineering with Sadhguru

So I was hungover and just playing it by ear. There were moments I wanted to leave.

But at the end of the day he is amazing. And I have had my spiritual awakening so not everything is new.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

And the universe sent me a sign

I asked the universe to send me a sign to let me know if I should hold on or let go. And sure enough I got my sign. For he posted on facebook his flirtation with another girl.

He has already moved on. And time for me to as well.

I hold him with love and compassion but I let him go.  I am no longer falling asleep in his arms in my dreams.

So goodbye to another you. To another time and place where for a moment in time it was you and I. And goodbye to what will never be. And hello to a lifetime of friendship and spiritual growth. 

On feeling excited and in love

So he contacted me today. We spoke on messenger. Not much but enough to be real and full of spiritual growth.

I love hime so much. He makes me feel excited. The spark is so there. He changes everything. And I miss him and I love him.

I don't know if him reaching out means the same to him as it means to me. I will never know.

I am not going to hold onto expectations. Whatever will be will be. But in my heart I love him. At least in this moment.

And when he contacts me I feel happy. And I respect the meditation he is doing and the spiritual growth.

Maybe it will be he and I. Maybe it will be I with another. Time will tell and yes we meet each other for a reason or season or forever until we are enlightened. 

Needing a big reset but unable to do so

I feel like I need a big change. Living like I do now is not working. I am ok but wasting life away. A really good life.

I miss you a little less each day. Life is getting back to normal.

It was another goodbye today. With a work colleague I knew slightly but realised there was so much I could have known about him if I had of paid more attention. It was lovely none the less but oh so sad.

I do feel stuck. I go on holidays in a few days and hopefully that will be a nice reset. 

Saying goodbye but we may meet again

So tonight I finally get to that point.

Right now I love you but we go our own ways. You have your own thing and I have mine.

Maybe my love was one sided but I will never know. For you did not try to tell me you love me. And perhaps because you don't.

Its ok. Thank you. Good Bye.

One day maybe we meet again. But moist likely not. I think we will just find our own growth. And there was a moment in time we grew together. But that time is long gone. Out spiritual development has taken a turn.

Goodbye and good luck to you that boy I thought I loved.

But rest assured it was real and I love you very much. Or at least the man I thought you were when we first met. And then you changed. But all men do. I thought you were special but you and I are just two lovers like all other broken relationships. We just have the guts to walk away to have better lives.

But goodbye to a better life.

To be happy, kind and caring, I once loved you very much. Was amazed by you. Its nit possible to feel that way again but I miss those days of innocence or manybe a man that can live up to a childhood dream of a perfect man.

I won't hold my breath. Let the excel sheets live my life and be happy.

In some ways I get your thinking

There is only this moment.

It does not matter about you or I in reality for which we both subscribe to as reality.

When there is only this moment and only the present, maybe it does not matter if we are together or not.

Something too ponder but so easy to accept.

I still miss you very much

If you wanted to be together, regardless of you taking a journey. If you wanted to be with me and consider trying for long distance.  I probably would have been receptive.

Instead you gave me no hope. Was it because I was not the right girl? Maybe. It wasn't all that perfect.

Or was it because you need solidarity. A delusion you thought was real before you started chasing girls again.

Do I just need to see your reality. You told me and others you like chasing girls. I was the one that did not respect myself enough to succumb.

Maybe I was a nobody in your world. As time passes and with the wisdom time gives us, I am beginning to see that you did not respect me or treat me well.

Maybe you are another that I will look back on and wonder what I ever saw in you.

My mind still loves you very much. But we have plenty of time in your absence to find the truth.

Vibrating right back at you

So I saw him friending some beautiful young women. Hardcore pretty women. But also some monks so my attention was clearly only focused on the worst. And yes I am a little jealous and a bit insecure even though we are not together. Its easy to only see the best in social media. I bet the reality is quite different.

But then really, even if he was with these beautiful women for a moment, it wouldn't matter. It's not like I am holding onto him. I am back to considering dating and meeting men.

Sometimes they say you meet people vibrating at the same frequency. If that is the case I should not be surprised if he hooks up with another.

It was salsa dancing and dinner with a friend tonight. It was fun.

Sometimes they say everything happens for a reason. And really if he had not of left I would not off gone to the weekend retreat, up north next weekend, the workshops coming and even these dance lessons.

This is the time for me to get my life back. Get some genuine friendships built. Rekindle old ones.

I will trust in the universe.

And also, I wish him all the best happiness and peace in the world regardless of weather he is with these lovely women or not. I let him go to the world. If he comes back to me, I will know I have a keeper. If not, I will recall our time with fondness and gratitude for having had the opportunity to grow together for a moment in time. 

We become our ex's

A very long time ago a friend had a theory. For every guy we break up with, in the next relationship we act like our ex. For some reason there is some truth to that.

Lets start from most recent to the past.

My ex was super spiritual, going to many workshops and retreats and telling me all about it and I felt like I didn't have much on. Now I am doing the same and telling the new potential men all about it.

The ex before was passive and weak and not too motivated. I was like that with A.

D was a social butterfly and the life of the party and always made me laugh. I was like that with N.

D was destructive and hurtful and passive aggressive. I was like that with D.

R was aloof and just wanted to do things his way. I was sort of like that with D.

D was lovely and innocent and supportive. I was like that with R.

Well lots more but I think there is a trend in this. 

On missing you a little less each day

And I knew this would happen but you still have a very special place in my heart.

But today I was quite excited to have found my place for the meditation retreat. On looking forward to my holiday. On looking forward to the two retreats coming up this month.

Looking forward to changing my life.

Its a new night

New revelations and he is long gone.

I miss hime still yes. very very much. I just know that without him feeling the same way we have nothing. So I let go.

My world is open to all.

Thankyou to all the growth and learning and memories and the good times.

We met for a reason and as you said if we are meant to meet again we will. But I will not hold on as in your eyes you did not either. and it was just one way.

So thank you for letting me go. Letting me explore with others.

Goodbye to a boy I was crazy about but he decided he had a higher calling which I respect. The man that walks into my expectation is high but he already has shown that I belong.

So thank you to the universe

Sometimes you put us in awkward situations so we can learn to let go.

A beautiful weekend Yoga and Meditation Retreat

At first I was a little apprehensive. I leave behind my creature comforts for a scout camp with no heating and no ensuite.

Yet it's funny. I live in luxury but I was happier there.

Yes at first I thought I should leave. So many times I just wanted to leave. Yet I stayed and each moment I became more and more peaceful until I did not want to leave.

And they say everything happens for a reason. If A had still been around I never would have signed upto this and I never would have met A who would be able to introduce me to an amazing Thai monastery that just feels right to go to in November.

And there was a moment of jealousy and upheaval when I connected back to facebook but now with loving kindness and a brain of meditation I feel good again. That everything will just work out the way it is meant to be and I need not worry about the outcome.

I just need to fantasise a little less each day about him until he disappears all together. If our paths are meant to cross again, if we can grow spiritually together, I rest assured they will cross again in some form or other than is beneficial to the both of us.

But for right now, everything is as it should be. 

One of the lucky ones

Sometimes you end up in a self fulfilling prophecy. One of the lucky ones. You work hard but the opportunities just get given to you by some magical means.

So even back in the homeland I went to the same school as the presidents daughter. My kinder interview to decide how much my parents would pay for me to go to school was in English and for some reason I killed it even though that was a second language.

And in oz, being so young and so much ahead on the education curve, I rose quite quickly and assimilated so well.

And then the scholarships came in high school. Ending top in an elite private girls school with priveledges most can only dream of.

And then I graduated in top 3% and went onto the best uni in the country and got the best paying part time jobs and lived at home and enjoyed my uni days. I had it easy but I did work hard to succeed.

And the confidence and self fulfilling prophecies just continues. I just believed I was the best of the best and my environment just fed on that and made it a reality.

I got a job in a multinational destined to make me a leader. My career rose. And a few years later I decided that I only wanted to move up so far, For happiness comes with wealth but you don't need to be a millionaire.

Although I did date many millionaires. The boys arrived. They wanted my hand.  There was helicopters and boats and yachts and expensive restaurants and anything I could desire.

Somehow it was not enough. And I bought my perfect place. On my own.

And now I have met a man that is spiritual and downsizing.

And maybe the simpler life is all I want.

Who knows. Time will tell. But I have been lucky.

Today was a little sad and lonely

The office is starting to clear out. So many have left and many more will. Sometimes seeing a person is rare. It was pretty eerie at times. This whole floor for such a small amount of people.

And the goodbye cards are getting smaller as there is not that many people too sign them. We are getting good at the goodbye presentations. The perfect amount of humour and jokes with heartfelt respect and genuine care for those that leave us behind. Everyone is tearing up.

The best thing about this place is the people and they are leaving in the masses.

The last ones standing. Thats who we are. 

On missing you so much

But in a happy way.

I am so happy for you. And genuinely inspired at what you are doing.

So I indulged in tinder and a dating site. Its made me miss you that much more.

And the tiny little message you sent me today to tell me about a great meditation place made my day. A spiritual partner helping me grow but also just staying in touch and connected. Thats all I needed for you to melt my heart.

Maybe I will never get over you babe. Who knows. Maybe its not about forcing myself to move on when clearly my heart is yours. And giving you that heart unconditionally without any expectation of it to be returned by you still makes me happy. For your a good person and lovely and doing oh such a noble thing in this world.

I miss you baby. But maybe I will indulge in living this imaginary life with you for a few more days.

Thank you for staying in touch. I think I love you. 

Maybe I miss you more than I realised

Your my last thought when I fall asleep. Then I dream of you. I go back to getting a hit from you as I wake up. I live an imaginary life with you. Either in the present moment, reliving the past or in our future life as a couple.

My head tells me to move on. But my heart just wants you.

I check your facebook all the time but try not to leave a trace. I am obsessed with you.

I miss you my dear lover. I miss you a lot.

I don't think you do. Your at a higher frequency these days. You have moved on spiritually. And I hold onto memories I know I shouldn't.

I crave to get my life back on track. But somehow I am stuck. 

Trying something new

So today I signed upto elite singles. Lets see where it takes me. I'm open and curious and I have been honest in my profile.

Lets see how this new found inner peace and online dating will pan out.

It was a bit of a hard decision but I am holding on too much to a man that has in some ways left my life. Maybe our paths will cross again as he said in our parting embrace.

But sometimes its best for all involved not to hold our breath and wilt away slowly.

So here's to being open and seeing what the universe has in store for me.

Sipping coffee by the fireplace while listening to some tunes

And yes I am a little sick but oh such luxuries in life. Sick but can take time off from the world to get my head and house in order.

Maybe even some meditation later.

A shift is occurring and it starts with being in the dumps from being sick and just accepting it and getting on with life.

So here's to vibrating at a frequency greater than I have ever experienced. To new beginnings and new life experiences. To falling in love with life and embracing it. 

Sometimes the world vibrates right back at you

And it's so true. Either we match each other and learn or we go our separate ways. At the moment I feel like we are matching a certain sense of peace as well as curiosity and restlessness. And at some stage you may advance beyond or I may or we may vibrate at the same place. Who knows if we will be together.

best outcome is that we both grow as much as we possibly can. 

Starting a new chapter in My new life

As the new moon rises and we enter a new phase in the world and universe, it is also time for me to start a new phase. And sometimes sickness is the driver for the change you need within.

So this weekend is about resting, being good to myself, cleaning and clearing and getting ready for the sculpted vegan lifestyle program. All the while watching sahdguru and continuing with all that is good in my life.

And getting some motivation back at work too. I really need to start doing some good work. 

And now I am sick

Feel a bit of a cough and a cold and potential flu coming on. Kind of feels like I was asking for it as I have not been the healthiest self as of late.

How lucky I am that I can curl up in bed and have access to medicine and nice food in this instance. 

Today was a wonderful day

We finished work early and headed off to the Yarra to enjoy a sunny winter day and a bbq in a place most people would call paradise. With good friends as colleagues and laughter and sunshine and a backdrop so beautiful it takes your breath away. Sometimes Melbourne astounds me so much I feel like a tourist in my own city. I feel so lucky to call this place home.

And yes I was feeling a little sick and not so well but going was oh so worth it. To find beauty in the little things in life. 

On a career that goes in leaps and bounds

So this morning I met up with a director at a global firm. Chatting about next steps and if there is opportunities that may match.

The conclusion was that I would be suitable for a global deal lead role at this particularly successful multinational if the role were to come up. And I had the confidence to ask for exactly what I wanted and he saw that confidence in me to believe in me.

It was so natural meeting him. Reminiscing about the old days when he was my boss' boss. He hired me initially back 10 years ago.

And we have all now left but we are all doing so well.

Sometimes its about enjoying life and the opportunities that come your way when you are true to yourself, honest and genuinely trying to be a good person. 

With each day a little part of you disappears in my heart

And I realise that eventually with time there may not be a you and I. How feelings are so impermanent and fleeting. That we are just the thoughts and emotions getting carried away by the way you make me feel. That perhaps the connection was but a delusion.

And I continue to learn the life lessons.

The scariest of them all is that there may come a time where I do not have feelings for you. They will be long gone and potentially never to reemerge ever again.

The door of my heart is opening to whoever may want to enter. Lets let the universe decide.  For this love story may be coming to a beautiful ending. 

Chemistry and Sparks

So I had not seen you in a while and we were finally meeting for a coffee after a year or so. Last time I saw you, I was pretty depressed. This time I was feeling so happy and on top of my game.

So we hugged and kissed. That kiss on the cheek was firm but gentle and you casually laced your hand possessively around my waste drawing me ever so close to you. And as we walked there was the occasional touch as well as the shoulder graze.

The chemistry was definitely there.

I like another and we could probably never go anywhere. God knows we tried many years ago and got nowhere.

But sparks can grow and sparks can die. And who knows if you or him or someone completely new will become my significant other. Only time will tell. 

My time to grow

Sometimes I think the universe times things perfectly. Sure I met a guy I really want to be with but my life was never ready to accept him.

His absence is giving me time to find my life again. That happiness within myself. He ignited that love for life again and left so I could rebuild my life.

So its salsa dancing with a friend, dinner parties with others, a vegan lifestyle and new exercise routine and coffees with many more just reconnecting and enjoying that life.

Such that when the time is right for me to meet someone, they get one half of a couple that is complete and happy.

Doing what you love

So my companies not been doing well lately and as a result I haven't really been selling anything. Just helping out with execution while waiting for us to somehow come out at the other end - most likely with a new owner and another name.

I've been passing time and getting involved with various bits of interesting things but also getting a work life balance that I've never really had before. Enjoying the life part but pretty unproductive and bored at work regardless of whether I have things to do or not.

And then today my manager asked me to do a rare sales activity in preparation for some other things. I was the most productive ever and thoroughly enjoyed the day. It really made me realise that I am in the right role. I have found that thing I am passionate about. And when you have passion there is focus and productivity. It was a great piece of quality work too.

It's a nice affirmation.

Feeling something special for you still

I am genuinely happy for you. And I think you miss me too even though you are not saying it. Its a hard bond to walk away from but we both know that time will only tell and holding on is not the way of the universe. All we can do now is to be kind, caring, compassionate and supportive of each other and see if in the future in some way shape or form our paths will cross again.

And I have a great life. Dinner party last night with lovely ladies. Salsa dancing with another friend. Enjoying spending time with my mum. Then all these activities to do. Suddenly I have a new life that I love. Meditation is coming back. Spiritual growth and new beginnings are at bay.

A shift is already happening. Tomorrow is the start of a new year for me. And I am excited for what awaits. Whatever it may be. What a life!

What i mistook for something special

I was just walking around you.  Being the first guy in two years to be with me i needed your approval. And you came and you went and i tried letting you go only to find you came yoyoing back.

But what we had was not trust. The last day you were here before you left you had five minutes for me and 2 hours for some call center to save ten dollars. You made $400 that day. That was the amount i was not worth.

Maybe it was delusion for me to hold on to you. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise as its only that you are gone that i can see the flaws of what we have. You don't know me.

And perhaps we both used each other. For sure the spiritual growth was mutual. But the physical was lust and not much care. Maybe for both you and I.

The saddest part is that you have left my heart. It's what i wanted but its sad when you actually leave and i no longer want to be with you.

And its another relationship down. Goodbye to an amazing man. I hope our friendship will continue beyond love.

You are not perfect - just as i am not too

You are so public. The nudity isn't making me feel so comfortable in your latest video. Also i am not impressed at your use of social media at such a place. Not that i can talk at all. I just feel not right.

You are not the best looking guy either.

Is this a shift in my feelings?

I'm a private conversation type of girl. And until now i have been doing what you want. Maybe the reason what i want does not matter is the delusion in myself that you want to be with me. Its ok really.

With tears in my eyes i accept. But not with a bad thought. My tears are not for you. For not realising this sooner.

I think i am getting over you faster than i ever thought. Not sure what it is but it brings a tear to my eyes because i really thought i saw something in you and I. Something tonight makes me think it is wishful thinking.

But i wish you the most amazing spiritual journey ever.

Just that my time in your sidelines is over.  I hope we stay in touch and thankyou for being that person that i needed to meet to get y life back on track.

Thank you thank you.

Feeling a deep sense of unrest for the world i live in

I feel a shift is happening. I am living in luxury and an almost heaven, yet i waste so much time.

In a talk last night a monk said if you are going to do something, give it all you have got. And i am just not doing that.

I really need to get back into my meditation to get the peaceful feeling back. I feel better than i have as a younger self. Yet In my current more enlightened state i feel its time for a deeper change.

The passion for work has gone but that could be due to the situation of the business not doing well and me not having much to do. But i am enjoying a work life balance for the first time ever. Its nice in a lot of ways to pursue all these extra spiritual activities, reconnect with family and friends and even take up salsa dancing.

It's also time to say goodbye to the man who was never mine to begin with. Perhaps i have learnt all the lessons from him already. So so many that i have learnt. He has enriched my life and I, his. Sharing his knowledge of Yoga and Vendanta and i was able to let him into my world of buddhist mediation. I also got so much more from him. Appreciation for being connected with all in the world and treating everyone with kindness and compassion. To be friends with everyone.

That sounds really bad but my world was filled with the same type of successful people before him. Expanding this has brought such enrichment.

And i am sure my patience and way of approaching life has taught him things.

But our time has come to an end. Where we are holding each other back by holding on. At least i am. He is deep in meditation and will most likely find the spaciousness to let go.

I have a meditation retreat this saturday. I am really looking forward to that for some inner peace.The thing i crave the most these days. Even more that this man.

How life has changed. And all for the better.

New Beginings

So i let myself get lost for a week to indulge in missing him and let my life slide a bit. Sometimes you just need to do that.

But now its time for a new beginning and getting back into all these good and beautiful.

Here's what i am letting back into my life:

1. Meditation
2. Yoga
3. See my mum more
4. Keeping the place clean and tidy
5. healthy eating
6. Back into the gym regularly
7. Salsa dancing
8. Setting up my website
9. Getting that insurance and starting to teach
10. Charity work
11. More workshops
12. Dinner parties for Yogis
13. Forgive and forget and rebuild some old friendhsips


The next six months will be a life changer. 

Tonight you are all i want but time will change that

Baby - you are all i can think about.  I miss you but in awe of what you are doing.

I know its early days and i will slowly forget. Time has a way of making memories fade.

I will eventually say goodbye and fine another. A year is a long time no matter what fibs we give to ourselves.

Lets enjoy this moment while we still have it.  And look back with a smile when its gone and we both end up living different lives.

Thankyou for being part of my life. You have enriched it in more ways than you could ever know so thank you. I hope i have done the same for you.

Maybe it will just be us together

Perhaps i could wait a year. He is such a lovely soul. And we help each other grow. And support each other. I feel there is a connection here than can last. One that does not expect or cling or attach. One that lets go but i have a world of respect for him.

I want to grow and learn with him in this spiritual journey and maybe oneday if our paths cross, we could be together. 

Tonight just feels happy and peaceful

I'm doing the refugee challenge and i so appreciate the life i have. I miss a man but grateful to have a great experience.

I have everything i need right now to be peaceful and content. And sometimes its just not knowing that which gives you the grief.

Amazing cht with mum where i really learnt where the grief comes from.

Grateful for the life i have and happiness

I wish i could cry

But the tears don't come. I miss you. that you are not here. But i get why its better than way.

Your amazing and special.

I hope our paths will cross again. In this lifetime hopefully. But then maybe in another. But i can see myself being happy for a lifetime with you. Your touch, your hugs, your generosity and your amazing amazing ability to make the world a better place.

You are my everything. and i miss you.

on crying my tears of joyness and sadness

 Maybe we have said goodbye a thousand or a hundread thousand or a million times. The first night you held me tight in your arms - i felt like i had reconnected with you. This feeling is not from this lifetime.

And as i say goodbye to you again. We will meet again - maybe in this lifetime, maybe in another. But the spiritual lesson we both must learn is to let go and not attach to each other. That will be when real growth occurs.

We both get this. But the attraction is still strong. Still gentle. Still working.

I will miss you. Bt i won't hold on for that is better for you and me in both our respective spiritual journeys.

Fly safe my friend, my teacher, my lover, my dad, my mother - for most likely you have played all these roles for us to feel so close. 

Wow what a journey

And tonight he leaves but what a spiritual journey of growth i have been on. Genuinely at peace albeit a little sad and leaving on a great relationship. A heartfelt hug and gentle kiss.

I've learnt so much about peace and relationships and the beauty of life and generosity and having a partner where you can learn from each other. But also how to let go and just be so happy for someone.

Both our paths will diverge and the full moon tonight is oh so representative of what we have gained and what we are leaving behind.

He flied off on his spiritual journey. I i start a new chapter in my own spiritual journey right here in my own house.

Its funny how i actually met his mum and dad and niece for the first time tonight. And how lovely they are and a family i could be a part of.

His parting words to me : Maybe our paths will cross again.

So universe who knows. I am letting go truly in my head and heart. With a little tear to shed but genuine happiness and awe for the path he is taking.

Any other time in my life this would have been oh so different. We taught each other to be better people.  And i thank him for being part of my life and making such a significant impact even if just for a short time.

I love you as i love every other human and non human on this planet. May you meet with your peace and happiness and joy and make a difference in this world. 

Meeting a man that could be mr right or wrong

Thats right. I've met someone i really like. Time i spend with him is amazing. His hugs and kisses and cuddles are amazing. Our conversations are great but sometimes silence but not always the awkward type.

But he is leaving for a year in a few months.

He also does not call me every night. Its just some past partners have done so. He has a busy life.

But one of the most peaceful i have known.

I miss that i am with him one night and do not hear from him the other.

While i like him a lot. A real lot. I can't help remember back to days when boys would call each day and there would be super highs and super lows. But i also just miss having that call each day. Is that my test of a relationship?

But then he will be gone to another country for a year in another month? He can't give me that commitment.

Lets see but i was so grateful to be with a man after 2 years but now i feel even more anxious!

Thats life. Craving is suffering right. Maybe he is not calling because he has discovered a true way forward and i can just learn from him on being there but not attaching.

But i do miss the passion that came from S & M. Just those too actually. The others I never felt real passion with. More than anything i miss S. Thats first love is something you can never forget. Long gone but maybe we will meet again.

But then last night as this new guy held me, i felt our souls connected. That we had slept side by slde many lifetimes ago. It could not be the first time.

But who really knows right.

Either way a little phone call to say hello would have been nice from him. 

Its been a while

Years really since i have sat down to write here properly.

It's been a wierd week. My company declared itself fit for insolvency with self administration. Life has been interesting on the brink of it all coming down but also that tight knit feeling that you are with family in your collegues.

I stayed up all night after i saw that.

Then i got a kitten and then swapped it for a cat with the rescue and the cat is still living at my place. It's lovely to have company.

And then i went on a date. Thats right. First date in maybe two years. Well not first but the first that wasn't a dud. That ended in a kiss and a date the next day which lasted well into the morning the next day and brunch.

He's a nice guy thats a bit of a bad boy. I think. One in search of his spirituality but at the same time has this other really rough or spunky side to him. It was a fun two nights. I feel much calmer than i used to be when i was younger but also a little bit trying to stay placid about it all and not get too excited.

He's on a spiritual journey which could really only be taken by oneself.

But lets see where it takes us. Lets just be happy in the moment.

It's funny I'm so used to being by myself here but tonight i feel a little lonely. Part of me wishes he would call to say good night. That it would be one of daily phone calls. Bit then he is off for good for a year and getting attached may not be the best thing in the world.

While i am happy i am scared as well.

Life back on track and feeling amazing

Somewhere along the way i experienced my first tragedy and i really did loose my way for a couple of years. Physically, mentally and socially. It really effected me. In some ways i was lucky to reach 35 without really experiencing something so bad. And then it happened and i was lost.

So two years later from the depths of despair i feel great again. I am exercising, i am meditating, i am eating healthy, i have a great relationship with my mum and i am kicking goals at work. Finances seem to be in order and more importantly i am really enjoying living life and appreciating each moment.

Sure i am a little overweight right now but i am well on my way to recovery.

So stay turned folks.

Somewhere along the way my perfect life disapeared

Its one of the lowest points in my life that i have ever felt. I don't know what to do. 

That perfect life

If i really think about it, my complaints are unfounded. To have the best education in the world, parents and family that care so deeply and are integral to my life, friendships that span decades, a career whose only downside is needing more challenge and a boy that wants to marry me, have kids and buy our dream home together,

Yes the bad times are abound. But i don't know what harsh times are really about.

Life is easy and lucky really. Living in the worlds most livable city, earning in the 90th percentile of this city with a life full of family, love and friendships. What more can a person really ask for?

on flying away

There is a job in london i want to apply for. Or others in silicon valley.

It might be goodbye to you.

How do i break it slowly. My insticts say no to you. We are not going to have a family together without drastic changes in who you are.

Amd i cam't change you. Your looking for a women that is not me. I am not good at cooking and cleaning and i don't mind. I judge myself on other things.

So goodbye, perhaps? maybe?

Thank you for the smiles and the good times and i'm sorry for wasting your time, 

craving for another life

Is it time to just run away.
Drop it all. Get a good job. Be alone in the world? Do i really need anyone else?
I've lost that hope.

sometimes relationships are harder than being in a relationship

And how i crave for that simple guy back. where it was me and him and noone else

Modern life is complicated. i woldn't mind back in the day. You and your husband was all that mattered. Relationships stoff strong and private.  don't like this world of convenience and whatever goes.

My first instict with this one was to let it go. Keep it go as friends. he was never meant to work.

But we did.

How to figure out that right decision. How to avoid making a big mistake.

Am i able to say goodbye?

Should i try?

Obsessed with facebook

He's always on social media. Posting his pictures and making his life look so great. And i guess it is a great life. But there is something about it all that i feel so uncomfortable about. This isn't that fairytale i dreamed of. Do i want someone a little more private. Ive had extremes of men all my life.

This type of recognition and need for boasting is something new. So is the distance and having his way. Do i just call it quits now. Last few months have been going down hill. This could be my time to start afresh. Start anew. Practice letting go of what i do not want. Not so be needy to jump into something new so soon. Be content with life as it is.

Oh i don't know. To hold on or to let go. But all i know is that old anxiety is disapearing and the idea of disapearing is seeming more confy each day.

At Airley when i had lost it all and didn't know anyone, i survived. That means everything. Its was an experience i thank you for putting me through. Knowing that you are not the guy to be there always and forever.

That you could disapear at any moment.

So whats a good time worth?

At a crossroads

I am content in life.

But also at a crossroads. I feel calmer. All that anxiety gone. I've been seeing a psychologist that is really helping me understand myself better, where my fears come from and how to be content in life and to accept myself and find that peace and calm in life i crave.

At the same time i am thinking that i have outgrown my boy. His immature ways. Learning to accept myself but also stand up for myself.

I also crave to fly away. Maybe to another land. Start a new adventure. A new life. I have savings once more. My investments seem to manage themselves.  Works is a bit quiet albeit i get paid well.

I sometimes think if the time i spend having fun is less that the hard moments, its time to let go. But also, i have held on too tight to many a man. Is this my practice for learning to let go. To learn a new life skill. One that my sister is so good with.

I know i will meet many a man in the future. If i can't truly see myself having a kid with him, if i just don't feel quite right about it, do i just need to trust my instinct.

From day one i liked him as a friend. But i let it get to something more because we were the best of friends. They say friendships are the best to progress to something more. In this case i'm not so sure.

We are so messy. But then so is life.

That fairytale you have of the man of your dreams when your just a kid is long gone. Reality hits and life goes on.

Sometimes it feels so helpless. Having everything in life but nothing. I crave to feel passion.

A little older, a little wiser, a little happier

Life is a journey and recently i've been content.

Content at my sub perfect life as i have realised, things are good most of the times but ups and downs are a natural part of life.

He represents a life of infinite conversations. Its hard to find that person you click with. That understands your jokes and makes you laugh. And i don't give him enough credit.

He didn't let go of me that easily. He was a gentleman. He came bouncing back after some space. He is generous and treats me well. Helps me. Checks on me. Holds me.

Some days and some times its not so good. But then i'm not the best at communicating either.

hard goodbyes

So tonight he disapeared completely. Went off and did his own thing. Something i woul expect of a single man.

Is it time to say good bye. For me i think it is.

Good bye to a man that could have been but never will. No one knows you so and i will walk away. And so many break ups - the good and bad times will come yet again. Many a time.

Do good bye to you my timeless friend.

Is he the one

Men come and go and this one in particular seems a little fickle and very self absorbved. I wonder sometimes if i even need him at all.

There is no romance really but when he wants it, lots of effection. To think i fell yet again for a mans chase and charms for him to only change once that chase was over.

But this time i am feeling strong. Perhaps getting out of my comfort zone is getting in control and going through with a break up when it just does not feel right.

Is it time to say goodbye to him? Perhaps i can avoid him for a while and learn to live without him. That will be easier.

On needing inner strength

So i went on holidays and tried my hand at getting a diving license. I faced some fears and it was he most amazing feeling to come out a winner at the other end. I felt that sense of myself again. I felt like me. Who i used to be. The girl that embraced a challenge rather than just going with the flow and accepting what i got and stayed with it. I missed that sweet feeling of accomplishment.

And if i could deal with running out of water underwater, i can definitely deal with finding myself again. Its about easing off the alcohol and not depending on him so much. Sticking with the anxiety because i can and i know how to beat it.

Its about taking control of what me and him have and being a nice person but not letting him walk over me and taking some space when i need to.

Nothing new to see here folks

Life has become something a little simpler than usual. A little less optimistic.

He's not my ideal man. But who is?

It does not matter anymore.

He is a nice man. If it works we work. If it does not, nothing i can do. I'm ok with that. I don't think i need a man anymore.

I think i am done. If it works - it won't be damn good but it better be worth it.

Good night to you hun that does not exist in my fairy tales.

Maybe you will be my forever.
If you are not, who gives a shit.

So good bye to you or good morning,

Who Knows????

Some people are good at love...

And i feel like i have been good at everything but..

But life is a journey. And there is a man out there for me that is perfect and i cannot wait to meet him or realise he is already in my life. The magic and spark and comfort of true love.

But what is true love. How do you know? How do you pick?

It's a mater of chilling for a little while.

My Bschool friends are those i get excited about. Someone will come around one day. 

everyone enters your life for a reason

And his role was to teach me a life lesson. That chasing fairytales isn't the way to go and to see reality for what it is.

So many people around me have such fullfilling lives by sticking to their values and whats important. I on the other hand have been chasing status and money and looks.

Its not the right place and no wonder it has not worked out.

There is a perfect girl out there for him. But that girl is not me.

I am at that life stage where i want to take a step back career wise and to enjoy life with a partner who also feels the same way. Someone that wants to focus on getting married, having kids and building a life together.

He had other plans and they barely included me. Half the time i kept getting surprised and upset. A lifetime of loneliness living in the shadows of his career would not have been for me.

He has a noble profession and he will go onto save many many lives and making the world a better place.

I on the other hand will go on and build a family and a life for myself and the special people around me. I won't be saving the world but i will make that special difference and significant impact for a little bit of people in my life.

Goodbye to you my trusted friend. Goodluck and all the best with life, career and love. I hope you achieve and get everything you ever wish for in life.

Thankyou for the realisations and the life lessons. We tried so hard you and I and we can both walk away knowing that there was nothing left to do.

The end

And so it ended and yes it was bad, but you know what? Its not so bad.

I've gone through that tough time and can see clearer skies and possibly a better future. He had brought me down so much from my definition of happiness to accept so little. I am happy to be out of that.

I've felt the magic before and i will again. Better equiped with life skills.


I've made my peace and forgiven him for anything i was angry about. I feel its time to move on now with a blank slate.

This next one - It will be it. I just know it. 

Remember

Long time ago i believed in soul mates and lovers. That life was full of brightness and that one day i would end up leading spectacular.

Then life happened.

And now i settle for mediocre or barely that. I think it's amazing because the world has brought to me a sense of reality. That i am complaining or down for no reason. That what i have is actually something wonderful.

So no fireworks, no major sparks. A life thats not sad but not entirely happy either. No real hope for the future but thinking i am escapin something worse.

I have more today than what i had when expectations were high. Am i happier? I am not sure.

I'm exhausted with life.

 

Life in someone else's country

I'm back in SK and living that life once again. The business stakes are getting higher and the level of luxury is getting higher.

I spoke to my boyfriend back hom for a bit. Most of the time i just miss him and i love him. He's studying and barely has any time for that deeper level conversation but thats why they say relationships are hard.

That next stage of life. I am so ready for it and i am not.

I can feel myself getting older.

 

Life is starting to look up again

I feel better. I feel happier. I feel more confident. Its about being able to stand on my own two feet and ask for what i want. Its about taking some supplements that might help me along the way.

Perhaps i was depressed

It's wierd. The other day things got rock bottom and i went into solution mode. You know that no matter what a solution must be found at all costs.

So i filled in some surveys online, signed up for some online counselling, saw an expensive naturopath etc etc

And i discovered the herbal equivalent of an anti depressant. I tool st johns wort and felt like me again. The anxiety gone, i was calm, i could sleep again, i felt motivated and even happy. I felt that clarity of mind that i had been searching hard for all this time.

So does this mean i was depressed?

I've been reading about it. Catching myself with the negative thoughts. Seeing the better side and seeing that the world is actually a great place.

I still get stressed but can definitely deal with things better. Heck i even feel happy again. 

Maturity gives you certain life lessons

And its up to us to learn and follow. Sometimes i don't take my own advice but you got here today being the best person you can be and all the mistakes made in the past lead you to who you are now. You have your good points and bad and you will continue to work on both.

Your life is as good as it gets this moment. Appreciate it for you will look back and reminisce on how good it was. This moment is precious. Everyone in your life is precious.

Appreciate who you are. Be true to yourself. Appreciate those around you.

So for the future:
* Get fit. Exercise again. Take advantage of the lovely surrounding around you.
* See your parents more.Be good to them.
* Appreciate your boyfriend. Love him and be kind and patient.
* Focus on your work and give it your all.
* Keep in touch with your friends more
* Work on that social enterprise
* Contact the entrepreneurs group and get involved.
* Be kind to yourself. Get massages, manicures and hair cuts. Let yourself relax.

Time for that new years resolution a few days too late me thinks...

Another year here

Time is passing by. Its a funny life.

I'm with a man that i love. We have problems but we seem to have a resolve to solve them too. A maturity that sticks through time.

I want to settle down. I want to have kids. I want to get married. I'm ready for a new life and done with this one.

He is the ideal man for that next step.

But also, i like spending time with him. He's a good, simple man.

Lets hope i can make it work. Lets hope we can make it work. 

In my element

Tonight i helped out with some entreprenuers - some CEO's to be with some great ideas. I put my skills to use.

But at the negotiation table i was in my element. That tough chick that can take control of a board room and reduce others to shreds. Well that is me. I'm that fiesty girl in the corner that surprises everyone with my skills and ambition.

Is it experience?

Who knows but i love it!

I felt alive, i feel excited, i feel happy.

I added so much value.

Life

What of it?

Once upon a time i dreamed of something big. Of falling in love with the man of my dreams, looking deeply into his eyes, kissing him ever so gently and deeply.

This is a thing of the past. I have a guy i think is seemingly nice. But are not made of dream. I get a peck on the cheek here and there but he loves me in his own way. Sometimes i think there is a wall within him. I wonder if i will ever get through.

The things is i'm not happy and i don't know what to do. He isn't even within reach.

The weekend was a freinds beautiful wedding. A wedding of a friend who wanted me more than her and i refused. And now its him and her and me and another. I wish he could miss me the way i do him.

I can't leave him. I will regret it. And besides i'm hopeless at relatonships.

Those dreams of younger days are gone.

How i wish for the innocence of youth. 

Last night i had a good time but..

So the suburbs were kind of nice. Not exactly what i wanted but it was nice just the same.

But this morning i woke up and he was sleeping and i just wanted to leave and now i'm back home and unhappy.

I called mum. She said this is life but in a real nice way.

The thing is, I'm not sure i want the solitary life that he offers. Maybe i need more than him.

I'm just not sure. I wish i could be happier.

I sometimes think if i find a man with a similar 9-5 to me, maybe the times spend together will be beautiful. Did living with that boy spoil me forever?

I don't know what to do....

Is this it?

So i am with him. Yet sometimes i wonder if we have anything in common at all. He wants me to come over to his place. We are going to go to some restaurant in the suburbs. That boring life that scares me.

In my heart of hearts i am trying to find a legitimate excuse to not turn up but i have to go. Is this the life i want to live?

Today we both had days off. For a change. On a rare occasion. He went home to study. I visited my parents. He wants me to come over and we will do what he wants to do.

Can i do this? Do i need that passion in life?

The other night i lost my keys and i couldn't depend on him.

My mum has been in hospital and yes he tried to see her once after a friends party but he hasn't even bothered since.

He doesn't want me to come to lanka with him. I attend my friends wedding alone.

A mediocre life. Is this what i want?

Who am i kidding. We are not in love. I sometimes look at him and don't know what to say. That comfort is not between us. Sometimes it feels amazing in the night. But in all reality, i'm not sure. He doesn't really listen to what i want. Its always what he wants.

There was glamour associated with being with him. Now not so much. Is my own life alone better than whats on offer. Maybe i need that spark.

On missing a younger self that believed

I remember when i believed in soul mates and twin flames and thought i had met with eternity. That something special existed in the world and perhaps i had found it. And these day beaten away, what do we even say. Its another life.

I criticise him for losing that magic but so have i.  I don't even fantasise that he may be the one. He's a nice boy offering something more than a dull life and someone i can cuddle with.

On loving your man

I look at him sometimes and i love him so. Its so nice to be lying in his arms. Outside the night, outside the bed we are ok. But by night we hold each other tight and have these deep conversations and the way he gently touches my hand in his. Its the things that dreams are made of.

And in some sort of mediocrity maybe we found something spectacular. To have a man that is like him, so generous despite his kinks and also for us to share what we hare with each other. Special has another name.

This isn't mediocre.

This is a wonderful life.

So this is life

And there is a strange sense of comfort in it too. He wants a mediocre life free of lifes hassles. He doesn't believe in love per se. Not the earth shattering love that knows too many outs and boundaries. He puts forward a philosophy to life based on sustainability and longelivity.

Maybe he is right.

This is a very different relationship. I am sitting here in the same room as him. Yet i am doing my own thing and he does his. In any other relationship we would be touching and kissing and cuddling. In this its just normal. Is this friendship.

Do i need more? Why don't we speak more.

Sometimes i'm sad. Other times maybe its ok.

I miss that old feeling tho. That feeling of being in love

Loveless

The other day I told him I loved him. I felt it too. His reaction . Barely anything. Perhaps I am not in love. I cry myself to sleep. 

He's moved on

When you first see that picture and you see her in his arms. How happy she looks. How he holds her the way he used to hold you. You remember the memories.

And your with a man that is everything he wasn't that you wanted. Yet you lost something for what you gained.

You know your in the right place with the right man.

But for you and I, it was foolish young love that has that certain ring to it that is almost dillusional. I miss that crazy falling in love, looking deep into each others eyes and falling in love time and time over.

I don't have that with my man. I probably never will. Its not his personality.

But in a lot of ways i get what i need from him. Everything we didn't have actually.

I guess you can't have everything.

I feel a little sad. Actually a lot sad at seeing her in your arms. I do miss you. I crave for you. But you know, its over now.

You went your way. I went mine.

No matter how much i miss you. How much you miss me. It's gone now.

Goodbye to you my love. That last bit of youth. Thank you for the memories of feeling that crazy love, even if it was for a moment that could not last.

I loved you at that time. 

That pang of anxiety

Dealing with his odd hours. He's most likely asleep. A hard working man.

But i miss not hanging out as a normal couple would. Of having a routine and seeing my man regularly. His social awkwardness that i adore but can leave me wanting more. Do i trust my instincts that something could be wrong.

Or do i just try harder. Relationships are difficult things that need trust and care and understanding and kindness. He's a lovely guy and its about being patient and making it work.

Will he call me back tonight. Yes of course. When he wakes up.

The price of success. 

A Perfect Boyfriend but...

So to have the man that all girls dream of. yes Mc Dreamy. The ER doc who turns up in scrubs after a shift in ER and will move his world for you.

Yet little comments make me defensive. I love him to bits but its a question of self respect.

The other day he joked with his friends that i was a 9-5. I hate that. My career is so much more. The other day he said he wants his kids to be doctors. I felt like i didn't matter.

I want kids to grow up respecting both me and him. Having a choice but also seeing that my life is also amazing.  That its respected. That its important.

And perhaps this is where that sudden bout of ambition comes from. Striving to be the best i can be.

feeling a lill lost

I feel like i have explored a lot of not so trodden paths. These days i feel a little lost. Yet also like i have achieved so much. That nothing is really worth changing in my life and if it wasn't for all that went on before, my life would not be as amazing as it is now.

To have a man with such a great heart that calls me all the time. Sure he is busy saving lives and working hard. But i am that sanctuary he craves at the start and end of each of his days.   And i, i love my life and i love the way he treats me.

He spoils me rotten and is that ideal boyfriend. And i know i can be that girl by his side that has it all together that drives him wild.

Its time and experience and confidence that allows such strong working relationships.

So thankyou for all the risks you took and for all that heart ache that never worked.

Everything is falling into place now because of all that did not in the past. 

What if you can afford it all

I grew up in a world of moderation and luxury. So what does that mean you ask?

I grew up to affluent parents who had migrated to a new country looking for new beginnings. They brought just enough wealth to be comfortable but the key was family values and faith in education and being a good person. Yes they took lowly jobs and they sought out the best that life could be with the cards that were drawn for them. They chose family and kids over building their own careers.

And i grew up in a middle class family in a bad neighbourhood with parents that had their dreams shattered for the sake of their kids.

And i grew up confident and classy and beautiful. Educated in the west in private girl schools, attending the best universities in the world, entering the workforce on top of my game and knowing only success.

With the cards i was dealt there really was no need to save. I worked hard, i studied hard and just as my parents said hard work pays off, i graduated into a world where i could afford multiple properties, overseas holidays, designer handbags, tiffany's and the car that i want. The savings piled up regardless and when i wanted to take a year off to do my MBA, well it required no change in lifestyle.

I guess i must just be lucky. 

thinking of my younger self

I read on about the past and question if i want to be there. The youth i miss and the time i miss. Yet time has brought confidence and a desire to be myself.

I know how to have a relationship these days and to compromise and to prioritise. I know how to have an amazing relationship with a man who is serious and calls me every night. I have the confidence to put work second and see that jet setting isn't full filling.

I have the education to be who i want to be and go where i want.

Sometimes life is beautiful. I miss my man right now but i know he is thinking of me and in time we will be together.

New Horizons

Life sometimes works out beautifully and you realise everything happens for a reason. On reconnecting with my roots and finding love elsewhere.

To that ambitious man with a heart of gold and down to earth manner and just a touch of arrogance that drives me crazy. To falling asleep in his arms knowing the future is in his arms.

Life sometimes feels all over the place. The state of the economy, growing older, life in general. Smooth sailing career wise for so long. Now its smooth sailing relationship wise.

It's where you focus really. Here's to really loving life again.

Patience is not my strong point but i am trying

There is a man i love and its really all been me with all the issues and problems. As 5 months of unemployment would have it.

I opened my heart to him and he was wonderful. And i took advantage of his generosity and pushed him aay as much as he could. A wall i put up for protection.

Now his dad is here and he has no time for me. Too much on. I just need to be patient and let life roll as it should.

I love him a lot and i hope i have not gone too far. If i have i have done the best i can with what i know and for that next big thing i will be a better person. But its about becoming a better person with him for i love him to bits.

I hope we can make it work. A bit of space and time and distance to make a heart grow fonder and love to shine through for we do love each other to bits.

Good night my lovely. I love you more than anything and miss you even more. I send messages of this to the net for i do not know that you want to hear this right now.

A man that i love

I think he is wonderful. This is a life lesson in compromise. And if we make it through we will become better people for it.

I need to meet him half way. Or even where he is. Respect his model of the world and understand mine is different. In times of trouble do it his way and give myself a break. Love him unconditionally.


He is a lovely wonderful man with the best of intentions.

On kicking new goals

And works brilliant. I love it. I am really kicking some massive goals. I feel like me again. 

To the love of my life

I'm sorry i stuffed up and just didn't appreciate the way i should have. You have been amazing and i need to seperate the culture and the age out of us to see that your intentions have always been pure and the best.

The thing is i love you to bits. I crave to fall asleep in your arms. Instead i write to the internet.

Good night baby. I miss you a lot. I hope i can speak to you soon. I love you. 

To the boy that used to be my world,

I never actually thought i would be writing to the internet instead of you. I somehow thought you were different. And it turns out that you may have been the worst. 

If your with a guy and you cry yourself to sleep at night because of him, then perhaps he is not the guy for you. 

If someone walks out of your life, just let them. There is no point begging or anything. Because the faith you need is that they know what you need and will be able to give it to you. Stop holding onto bits of nothing like you always have in the past and have some self respect. 

He has left. Let him be. You don't need to make him your everything. 

Somewhere along the way i made mistakes. Maybe its time to say goodbye and never make those mistakes ever again. Be with someone knew and accept that this was never going to work.

So that man i fell in love with is no longer here. 

A strange feeling of comfort

Its been a few tough weeks and i've wondered how i ended up where i am. But it gets to that stage where you realise you need to stop hurting and just get on with life. If he pulls away, just let him go and find my own life to enjoy rather than being so needy.

It will drive him nuts. As it already is.

I miss me and him. The way we used to be. The guy i thought he was.

Having invested so much time into this. Maybe its time to say goodbye. Maybe its time to work through all this. I'm not sure his family is bearable in my world.

I miss who he used to be. Or pretended to be. I know i;m in the wrong but today the way he was speaking, i felt like it was me against him and his family. And its not a nice feeling. I want to be with a man that thinks the world of me.

Thinking thinking.
Is this the life i want?

Is it time for that thankyou goodbye?

On letting life pass you by

I once had goals and ambitions and dreams. And then money stopped being a problem. I met a guy i loved. I got carried away and trusted him a little too much. We get angry, we fight. The things is, are my core values being compromised. Neither of us are right or wrong.

I love him and him me.

But tonight he sleeps elsewhere. He is sick. If we had a relationship i would be over looking after him right now. But i'm not sure if i am welcome.

I think what we used to have is gone.

Will it ever come back?

Mixed emotions

I'm in KL feeling like i hate him. I want a response and wishing i hadn't emailed. How did something so pure and wonderful turn into this?

Should i just have faith that he is amazing and go with it? Am i getting what i want out of this? If he disapeared from my life would i be ok?

Can i do better?

Do i love him?

Which way does the wind blow

I know one day i will miss these moments when he is so patient and kind. But at the end of the day i am not getting what i want from him.  Is it a matter of being patient and kind. Is this different to other times where i have picked fights. Am i really not getting what i want? Why am i craving for another man that i have not yet met.

I'm not wishing he was here. That magic is gone. Will it come back immediately? Will life work out for us.

I think time will tell. Its about having a go and having an open mind but standing by my needs as well. I can't keep this up for too long.

There are things i want from life and i know i am being impatient. He is a good looking boy who is fun to be with. Is he the guy to settle down with though? Will he ever. There is many a man i could settle down with.  Somebody ready to commit and ready for the next stage in their life.

Chasing fairy tales has gone on for long enough. Were we a holiday romance that dragged on too long during the course of a year off to study. Real life is setting in and our differences show.

He sends me beautiful messages. Buys me flowers. Drowns me with gifts and attention. Yet he has betrayed me also. He talks shit about me to his sister and his friends. A man i loved and trusted and wanted so much to be that couple with. He's lost my trust. All relationships lose their trust.

I dream of a man that will be by my side and stand up for me no matter what. I hope he can be that man.

Crying my eyes out

I'm still here in a wolrd thats mine but not mine at the same time. Another night where i just can't sleep. I'm in a relationship but not happy with it anymore.

Is it something wrong with me or is it the relationship.

What to do.

Once upon a time

All the things i love about him :

1. He is sweet and gentle

2. He is always reachable

3. He is always there when i need him

4. He tries his best to make my day special

5. He can't live without me

6. He craves my attention

7. Not a thing happens without him sharing the details with me

8. He cares about family and society and keeping the peace and calm

9. He has a great relationship with his family

10. He loves me

All the good things about him moving out:

1. Its doing the right thing

2. In the long run both sets of parents will be happy

3. I can travel and spend time alone as much as i want

4. I have more time to call friends and do my own thing when i feel like it

5. The time we spend together will be because we want to

6. we'll have a place to crash in the city

7. I can enjoy the life of freedom for a bit more time

8. It will give him space to miss me

All the things this will enable me to do:

1. Make more friends. C and S

2. Travel adhoc more. B and S

3. Wash my hair alone on some night

4. Enjoy the occasional night at banf

5. Dinner parties: G&N, S&D

6. Sunday sessions at my place, VDBMALS

7. Have my parents around more

8. Catch up with my sister alone

9. study and make new friends

All up there are good things in this. My feelings are out of some past hurt. This will work. He is sweet. I love him to bits.

A changing of the tide

A few days alone in a place that used to be home and visiting family and getting to know my roots and I am not so sure of him. Yes i love him, but i see a young boy finding his way in life. If he were to ask me to marry him tomorrow i would say yes because thats what i truly deeply want. But its these games we play and the life we lead and the things we do that do not lead to what we want that i can't quite deal with.

At the moment i have a boy i love. A few years ago i would have killed for a man that treated me so well. But now i want to settle down and the allure of these arranged marriages seem to grow stronger each day. I am scared of waiting around for nothing. That his promises and his words are not truth.

With him is leading a life thats half baked. I am making sacrifices but not getting what i want. The thing is how long do i wait. Am i sabotaging things too early when he has come through every other time. Does a one time blemish have to stay lingering for so long. Do i let it go and believe in the goodness in his heart.  How long do i wait?

How do i keep quiet and happy in the meantime when deep down i am not happy.

Is it through career. Getting it back on track and then sorting out the rest. For that sense of financial security is gold.  Is it for asking for what i want some more. A sense of space and time. A little time to be on my own and cool down and just be ok. More time for friends and making deeper connections. Sharing all the pitfalls in life with others and not just him. Recognising that he has chosen to move away.

I just want to be free again sometimes but when reality hits i know i'll miss him like crazy. Its about taking what you have and being happy with it all. Life doesn't always hand you what you want in life but its about looking on the brighter side and appreciating all the good things in life.

I have a boy thats dotes on me, thinks of me all the time and is stuck between a relationship and his youth. He wants the experience of wonder that the world offers and the security of a relationship with a girl he loves but has done it all. He tried so hard to be his best. Its about appreciating that man rather than picking holes. Its about being happy with me so that the little things don't matter. It's trying to feel secure about things again. I just really need to be happy again and get to that good place. I craved this so bad and now i have it. Appreciate it!!

You got what you wanted and only patience will get you the rest. 

Diving in head first

I've always loved taking chances and giving life everything. It's something i have loved about me. I want life to be spectacular. I want only the best. And so far in time in relationships its been reciprocated so few times.

I was starting to settle for good enough. And then one man came my way and for about six months life was perfect. And then little by little the trust eroded. But then it didn't. It came back. And now its nice with a few insecurities but promises of forever.  The diving in head first has left me somewhat vulnerable.

But then a man that takes your heart and breaks it apart is not worth it at all. And its better to find out now than later. Or you can give this everything you have and make it work. Make it work so much that you will wonder why you ever doubted it in the first place.

On many an occasion he has surprised me with amazing feats. I should just be patient and have that faith that he will make my world spin. There will be little blemishes in life. The strength of a couple is in getting past them. The memories of those good times are what we should remember to help us get through.

At the end of the day i love him with all my heart. A little more balance in life now might be just perfect. Perfect all round for a fabulous life for you and I.

Realisations on career

That i'm driven and motivated and born to succeed. That i love the feeling of travel and the taste of success. That i have not led myself astray in focusing on it and that taking a step back to put other things first has been fruitful in growing an amazing relationship but also to realise that putting career second is like clipping my wings.

And now its time to fly and be free. With a boy on my side that i love and the freedom to shine.

It's about being true to yourself and being the best you can be. 

Studying is like traveling without traveling

Because it changes who you are. Every time I leave home and return, its like i don't belong anymore. I've discovered and learnt new things and become someone else. The people around me are somewhat the same except they have forged new friendships and changed in many ways to fill the gap left by my void. And you feel this the most with those who are closest to you. People learn to live without you. You are no longer as close as you used to be.

So a new chapter must start and i wonder who these new friends of mine will be. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head but maybe i just need to enrol in a few things and forge some closer friendships with people i click with in the moment. Maybe work will bring more in this way.

I feel this will be healthy for me and my relationship. To have the time and space to build up a life i love again. Spend moments with my parents. To appreciate family.

At the moment i resent him for not always being around. But thats because i drop my world for him and make him my everything. Its not healthy for me. Its not healthy for him. A bit of space and doing our own things will get us to appreciate what we really do have. Which is amazing.

Like right now. I love that i am here alone. This trip would not of worked with us together. Too much pressure.  And its getting us closer together. So perhaps what we need is just a little bit of space to have our own lives while being completely madly in love with each other and spending time together.

Maybe its about enlisting in classes and learning new things and enjoying the world. Maybe i should learn to dance or something like that. Get those creative juices flowing. 

to sort out some loose ends

So i checked his messages and found some pretty intimate conversations about how much he disliked me. He was musing with his sister and calling her pet names.

We got over it. He said sorry.

Yet things just feel really weird.

I feel we should sort this out before out one year and that fabulous holiday for it hasn't. How to sort it out though.

A quick email or in person.