Mistaking admiration for love

Its one of those small epiphanies which makes for a life changing turn in life.

To all the Max's and David's in the world, i have figured out. These men that i fall so hard for within moments, perhaps i am simply mistaking admiration for love.

He is everything i want to become in life. Am i filling in a gap? Am i mistaking a mentor for a lover?  Is it all one way? Am i not as interesting to him? Am i not bringing much of my own to the table.

And he said -- you are not someone i think i want to spend fifteen hours a week with at least for the rest of my life. And as harsh and painful as that is, its what i need to walk away.

Happy happy happy and only a little sad

Somewhere along the way i learnt to cook, hold dinner parties and became one of those people that one does not want to invite to dinner as they cannot cook as well. The stylish home, the status, the lifestyle, how did i suddenly come to have it all?

Life is going well, mainly except for a few blips in the man radar. Life is happy, life is full-filling. Life is fun and games. 

friendships under the radar

Without even noticing, they have built up. I am part of a team, i am one of them. Mutual respect, determination and timing. 

I'll miss them. They may be worlds apart but years of working together, joking around daily, being a team. I will miss them much.

A stage in my life is ending, i must move on, they must move on. 

Life ........ one day it will make sense.

Things i will not say to you

Dear David

You make my heart race, you make my daydreams come alive, you bring a smile to my lips. The heartache of certain moments seem almost bearable for those savored moments in time.

In a lot of ways you make a whole lot of sense when i think about it. I have not known you for very long, there is lots to know and lots to build. 

From the deepths of my heart i realise what i crave for is not even sustainable. That on must get to know and get to know another before making any commitments. You have withstood these unecessary pressure's well.

Time, space, getting to know each other is the way forward. I know where your priorities are and i too think its best to take our time, see if the conversations evolve, if we are meant to be. 

This is a turning point in my life, this understanding of what goes wrong. In all aspects of life hardwork, patience and timing is key and in matters of the heart its all the more important to think it through. 

Hearts get trampled everyday. I will still wear mine on my sleeve and lay it out for you to touch. 

I still think of you with a smile and i will call you sometime. I know you will answer with a smile and we will take it slow and take out time. We will let time decide whats to be.

I'll still smile when i think of you.

Feeling alive

Like a butterfly flying free from her cacoon, i feel completely alive.

Something has happened, something is happening.

Life is just moments to savour, with a new job in towe, a new place to live and a realisation of the one that is the love of my life, things are only looking up.

Something has started, something is happening

I am excited. I am happy

A turning point on the books

Something is coming, i can feel it. A new stage in life. A new beginning. At present i am getting my house in order.

New apartment, new found confidence, a refreshing outlook, a beautiful life.

Just think, next week it will be just me and I, with my ocean views and floor to ceiling windows.

Its a new beginning in which to build a life where i am happy and refreshed. 

Something is happening in the background, i can just feel it.

When you have it all but the man

Career progresses in leaps and bounds but what about me?

I can accrue people, sit in a management role, be everything i ever wanted at such a young age. 

And then what is it that i want?

A man to snuggle upto at night

That is all

And David

I miss David

I want David

Pity he does no feel the same

Pity he does not call

From the ugly duckling to cinderella - transformations in 1.5 hr

Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of time. Well 1.5 hrs to be exact.

So i may roll out of bed some morning completely hungover, hair a mess (and not in that sexy "just rolled out of bed" kitten way). I'll be trudging around being one of those nobody's who wouldn't even get a first glance let alone a second.

But then its so easy.  All it takes is some florally hair products, a trusty hair dryer and straightner, some magnolia body wash to go with some magnolia body butter, a little bit of MAC, a little bit of eye shaddown, perhaps a tint of a lip stain and some gloss. Add a sexy pair of boots and a designer handbag and what do you have?

Even i amaze myself each and every time. Going from a nobody to someone with the world literally eating out of ones hands. 

Transformations are amazing. Beauty is a matter of time. 

The glint in your eyes, that is priceless...

If only i could feel again

I feel as if the passion, the bright and sparkling eyes, the innocence of thinking the world is fair and opportunity abounds for those who dare to chase it, is slipping away. Is that only for the young and unaccomplished?

Having made it, and looking to the next step , the excitements gone. The wonder is no longer there, nor a goal or dream to pursue. Its like there is a mist surrounding life right now, and i can't seem to make my way out of. Just trodding along, doing good, not better, not worse.

Even love, i wish to be that starry eyed girl full of trust and warmth. I find it so hard to open up and love. 

Need to wake up. 

one last cry ... thought

Dear David,

 

I wish you could see how you could be my world. I wish you could see how we would be perfect together.

you the all powerful and indestructable. I the women that stands by your side. I have the world at my fingertips but i would stand by your shadow. I would be my own person, i would want you to open doors and place your hand protectively around my waist as you guide me through life.

Is that too much to ask? Is that not what you want?

And i call one last plea to the universe of wanting you Mr David Symons, that is before i give my life to the nice guy who treats me like a princess.

My heart lies with you but sometimes life comes knocking on ones door ...

Love is like walking on a plank in the ocean to an oasis

Its one of those shaky times, every little word, every little move, every little gesture, every little word unsaid has meaning. It has the power to make or break who you are.

In love nothing is easy. As is the rush of feeing when all is well, the intensity of all you have to loose is horrifying, paralysing. You crave for the lust, the passion, the effection and the adoration. Only time will tell of the outcome.

So he's on the other side of the world. One minute he can't get enough of me. The other too preoccupied in his own to care. Leaving me wondering, leaving me with tears.

Love is like walking across a plank in the ocean to an oasis. So much to gain, yet so much to loose.

My new Motto in life

To give it all i've got. Some will take it in full, some will take it in parts and some will throw it all away.

Time will tell when true love finds me. I should not expose my heart so much to hurt. I should protect it but also give out love to the world. 

I shall open my heart to honesty and tenderness. 

Climbing the ladder barely touching the rungs

Its another day in paradise where the men are a plenty, career opportunities abound, life starting to touch the sky and friends and family to support through anything life throws this way.

So the last week was when i really owned my first property, became a manager, became a national account manager and won my first very big pursuit.

This past few months have also been a turning point in my life, i learnt to cook and became healthy, i focused on me, great clothes, make up, hair, beauty and confidence. 

This is the year where life is taking off once again. 

Tonight i was stood up

Tears not quite emerging.

I wonder if he is thinking of me?

Your words of wisdom

I miss your company for amoungst the passion and excitement i also learn from years of experience.

Our last conversation, i took away something deep and meaningful. 

That

1. People want to trust someone else

2. People in high places just say things because they can, not because they know its correct

At a time when my career is starting out, i am climbing the ropes and succeeding these words of wisdom are just what i need to jump through hoops and to see the world for what it is.  To realise that the world is run by normal people like you and I and that the secret is to come to this realisation. 

That the world goes round not by some complex equations but because of those that dare to have faith in themselves, believe and take a risk. 

Your an inspirations, your just what i need. 

You have walked into my life by chance....

Goodbye Mr Nice

So i got prioritised one too many times. Maybe you were not so nice after all. For a moment there i thought i missed you. I thought you may have been the one.

You've walked away one too many times without bothering to know me. I never really felt it for you either, my mind with another man. Yet that other man, he was filling an emotional void i felt with you. He was just a way to boost my ego just in case you walked all over me.

Maybe i never saw you for who you really were. Come to think of it, your living off someone else's money, you talk of your grandmother's inheritance, the way you leech off me for comfort. Maybe you are not who you seem to be after all. 

I still shed my tears for you but this is for the last time. 

Goodbye - love, friendship and all

Dear Mr Man

David, how i crave to hear from you. I sit here now deciding between the one that makes my heart come alive and the guy that will stay by my side.

Together we could be indestructable. Together we could be a force of the world. Together we could save the world if we wanted, we could move mountains, we could almost touch the sky.

I wish you could see the picture in my head before i decide to turn away.

Unrequited feelings can only mean so much for so long.

Please give me a sign, a sign that you care, a sign that i am not just another girl.

That elusive him

And its another night alone, yet no longer feeling lonely. Life gets busy but sometimes it brings with it a smile. And then there are two men and then there are none but it does not matter because i have just bought my own little piece of the world, because my family loves me unconditionally, because my career is taking off in leaps and bounds, because my friends are beautiful, because i am beautiful.

I smile as i think of him. The one that came across so charming and nice, caught me off guard with just the perfect amount of nice and being a man. And although it never worked i still think fondly of him, of a boy i didn't try enough to hold onto. A boy i still harbour a little bit of hope for but in the midst of life have decided to leave a while.

And then there is the other him. That elusive man who steps in and out of my life, the one made for my daydreams. The one that makes my heart race. I miss him, i want him and yet i am too scared to call or make a move. He is perfect for me, essentially all i want in a man except that he is never with me, except that he does not want me in the same way.

So in between my perfect life i skip through moments of him, wondering, contemplating. It does not matter really. When the time comes, all will unfold. For now all i can do is smile fondly, wondering where life will take me.

Today i start a new life

Eyes bright eyes, motivation brimming, a tune in my step, a certain glint in my eyes, charismatic to the world.

I am the girl who is all of sporty, intelligent, attractive, fit, successful and overflowing with friendship and love.

Life is perfect and today is the start of a new chapter in my life.

Never underestimate a friendship

And when your world seems like its coming to an end, all is not lost. Those friends built up over years are not to be underestimated. Hours of conversation, laughter, life, dreams, hopes and fears. 

Discussion that one cannot have with another. 

Friendship is beautiful, across boarders, through history.

Back to square one

I was not honest. I did not get caught out. But karma rules above all and i am back to square one.

So the boy i did not appreciate figured it out for himself. And now i am with neither.  It was sliding downhill anyway.  Was the other night a desperate attempt at needing validation in another mans arms?

Tears forming in my eyes. He said goodbye. He's difficult to erase. 

Life seems noisy once more. All of a sudden or has it always been like this. Study sessions, multi million dollar deals, men that forget about me, success too stressfull, bills to pay, property to buy, a mortgage to pay. Put on that confident armour for work, a forced smile for life. 

Am i chasing pies in the sky? Is it time to settle with the one who knows me so well? Before my time runs out?

Temptation calls

and i go forth and conquer. Two men, one night and my heart flutters but the other way. I know in my heart the one i ache for. I know in my head the one thats good for me.

My heart will always rule my head, the passion, the excitement, the sheer joy of living. 

So with one boy its a home cooked dinner and a cuddle in front of the tele while with the other its cocktails in the hippest joint in town while discussing strategies for taking over the world. Pure ambition and strife creating an air of excitement, hands not able to keep off each other, attraction that knows no boundaries ...

Its too hard to say goodbye, its too hard not to let you back in. I smile when i think of you

The other just a comfort zone, where i think i should be, the security that i will always take for granted and a trust i do not deserve. 

i ache for the one that strives for the sky...

Memories of you

To the David's and the Malcolm's of the world

Tonight while i have my man it is you that i think of.  Neither of you treated me quite so right but there was something elusive and dangerous that made me think of you.

I wonder where you are these days? If you ever think of me? If i were mearly just another girl, another face longforgotten. 

I never made my mark. 

Life went on. I moved on. I smiled and laughed following the tears i cried for you. 

I even have another now -- but why are you still on my mind?

Five words for the one

Genuine, confident, trustworthy, reliable, honest

Five words to describe him

Accomplished, Posh, Selfish, Arrogant, Self-righteous

All at once or nothing at all

As murphy's law would have it, you either have no one or a stampede of men trying to knock down your door.

Well ok, a stampede is an exaggeration and none are keen to "that" extend, but it is like a floodgate has opened. An old flame who "never called" has found my number in an old bill "Oh i changed phones", another old flame wants to see how i am and even the waiter at my local french bakery leaves me his number with a chocolate eclaire.  Then there's that night of discussing einsteins theory of relativity with a best friends who could be more or what about the boy of the moment with whom i shared a glass of red on a roof top bar.

Yes its one of those moments where the choice is plenty but the stakes are high. Do i go for my Mr Big, hoping for my Carrie fairytale to turn true, do i go for the safety net of familiarity and trust, of shared backgrounds or do i simply go for the cutie who treats me well and life seems so easy with. 

Life is sometimes complicated, this time in good ways...only time will tell of the future but if i were to dream.....

It would be Me and my Mr Big

Loneliness

Its one of those moments where i feel all alone in the world. Memories of what used to be, of decisions made and friends undone.

In some ways i had the world at my fingertips and in other ways i let life slip me by. I sit here now in my apartment all alone on a sunday night wondering but what to do, fill of men that never cut it, with a career so successful it brings with it more stress than smiles, with so much money that i've too much debt. An immaculate apartment, a stainless steel world and only the best of the material world. A perfection of sterility which leaves no room for compromise.

I sit here today looking at wedding photos of a friend, of a beautiful bride and groom, a world which escapes my reach. A wedding i did not get an invite to because i swapped my friends to become a corporate gobetrotter. No guy beside me because i'm too strong and independent.

How do i reclaim my life? Why is it that the only thing calling is a management presentation? Why is life so difficult and stressful? Why have i not got a friend to call, a shoulder to cry on? 

Tears streaming down of a life that may become a has been, a never did happen. 

How do i turn things around?

New rules on life and dating

Rule No 1: Never sleep with a guy in the first three dates

Rule No 2: Never have more than two drinks on a date within the first three dates

Rule No. 3: Never have more than 2 drinks on a school night

Rule No. 4: Never pretend to be someone i am not

The rest will come but i think i have figured out what will be a solid foundation for the future.

The learning curve of life

My whole life, i meet men and mistake the lust and the sparkle for love. Those intense moments limited by certain barriers, time, space, location which makes it all the more exciting.

All those womanizers i dated that someone passed through my filters as romantic.

So this guy, he messages after midnight, its all about the drinking and convenience and will call when he's in town. My messages lay to rest for many a day.

I was dreaming of a lifetime together, clasping onto straws when there was no substance. Lust clouds judgement and that is all. Sex and love are two different things to men.

So i've made some mistakes. Slept with him too early and called him a few too many times. 

Whats a girl to do when she still harbours a little hope in her heart for him but is aware of the hurt and heart ache which awaits.

So the next week she will wait on the sidelines. She will be busy and she will not see him. Practise a certain self restraint and see what happens. 

If he is into me, he will make it happen. If he is not, then let it be.....

Love to hate to hatred

From love to hurt to hatred. 

Tears roll as i think of trust destroyed, hope shattered. I never really knew him, just craved for something that didn't exist. Something special, exciting, life changing. I wanted to fall crazy in love. 

In reality its another world. Am i chasing illusions? giving him a false sense of light? 

He just another egostatistical man, looking for a fling and preying on naive young girls with starry eyes. He's not who i thought he was.

Yesterday i dreamt of falling asleep in his eyes. Today i feel emptiness in my heart.

Just another Jerk

So i call him

He'd received my messages all along, he'd had a chance to get in touch, he just hadn't didn't, wouldn't.

So while i pinned away dreaming of him, he was back in sydney without a care in the world.

It hurts.

Who gives a shit yeah?

Probably best to forget a man like him.  He doesn't seem to be all he's cracked up to be.

Disapointment, tears, he's not worth it.

In a dream

So out of the blue when  least expect it, he calls. He had lost his phone back in hong kong and had gone through tests of will and testament to regain my number. Old phone bills, memories, he searched far and low until success, his perserverance proved a success.

And so to make it special when he lay eyes on her again it was with red roses and a moonlight walk along the beach. Her eyes sparkled, her hair glistened as he gently cupped her face in his hands and leaned in for a gentle kiss. With the ocean thrashing in the background against the sand and the whole world slipping away they embrace . Its just perfect, all the waiting and the trials and tribulations all seem so worthwhile at this one moment. 

If only dreams can come true.....

Waiting for a call

So once again i find myself with those pangs of anxiety that comes from wiaiting for a call. 

Will he? Won't he?

Does he love me? Does he love me not?

And over and over again it goes in my head.

I try to keep busy, i try to do things, i try to keep busy. 

My mind wanders, back to him, his gorgeous eyes, that smile, the way he made me feel.

Why is love so complicated?

I wish for him to call.

Hurt too many times

Sometimes i want to cry. Cry because i'm at that stage where there has been too many men, too many broken hearts. Its hard to trust someone.

I want somebody to love so badly, yet i also value my freedom and love feeling that special attraction.

But throwing down the towers around me is so very hard. What if he is not interested? What if i get hurt once again?

Sometimes i just want to say goodbye to these feelings i feel for him. They are too intense, too hard. 

I want to cry. 

I like him but he is not here. I don't know where he is. He is not making an effort to getting in touch.

Do i forget about him. just let it go cos life like that?

Moments of excitement

Once again i am in love.

In anticipation of exciting days, what may or may not be. 

I love the feeling and hate it at the same time. Passion flowing freely, trust cautiously appearing out of a shell, a few walls crumbling down.

And that small bit of fright, a little bit of scared for what might be, what he may not feel.

Isn't this what love is all about? I want to get to the other side but without these feelings there may not be another side.

So i sigh and i wait for the future to unravel.

Another note to S

Dear S,

Its been about 18 months now since we last set eyes on one another and about six months since i last wrote a note to you and sent it to the wind. 

Life has changed once again. The whole world has really. The financial crisis is beginning to hit my life and things seem not so stable. I wonder how you are going with it all? From memory you invested a lot. And those shares you advised me to buy, well they didn't crash as badly as others but crash they did. I think i'll hold onto them, hoping in the long term they will grow.  How has the crisis effected you, is that now your home or is it elsewhere?

And onto other parts of life, is there a special girl in your life? Yes the one that replaced myself? For me you see i have once again met the man of my dreams. Dashing, handsome, intelligent, successful, charming and confident.  He makes me feel so special. Its another one of those romances in the sky. Fairytales through another time.

Only time will tell how life unholds. Once again i hope your well. I think of you sometimes but no longer in that way. Still i wonder whatever happened to you and us.... 

Everything i wanted to become i became

What do you do when life has worked out exacty as you anticipated. Everything your parents dreamt you'd become, you have outreached.  Your walking on a tight rope high up in the clouds with no sign of falling off.

Confident in the world of men and ego's, you walk confidently into the future. Graceful, classy, powerful. The future just gets brighter and brighter. Succeeding in a mans world doesn't seem so difficult.

Yet the everyday politics, those notions creeping into your head as you wonder about success. Does it make you hppy?, do you need something more? If you need something more, then what would that be?

Life is full of questions. Sometimes we need to be careful what we dream of for dreams do come true.

As one door closes another one opens

So i've met the most wonderful man, perhaps even the one i have been waiting for. 

He's been on the sidelines for some time -- always planning to meet but never really making it.  It was somehow meant to be.

Confident, clever, good looking and just the type of guy you could spend a sunday morning with, looking dreamily into each others eyes. 

Butterflies, anticipation, special memories forming.

Life is good.

Nice just doesn't cut it

So its another goodbye. 

Was it that he was too nice? Probably not.

But he lacked a certain confidence, a certain bit of ambition, a certain bit of independence. Personality wise we are world's apart. We may be the same age but it feels like i'm a decade ahead. 

And maybe "nice" is simply not enough. It does need to be accompanied by a little bit of lust, a certain dreamy look into each others eyes and a tad of animal lust. You need to crave for your man. It is memories and those wonderful firsts that keep you together forever, keeps a flame ignited. 

Breaking up is hard to do.

Is it the nice guy that wins the race?

I thought of another him tonight. Another time when i thought i was in love with a boy who never quite treated me right. He had just the right amount of bad boy in him and candy dangling in front of my eyes to keep me on my toes and let the butterflies in my stomach rule my heart.

Oh how i cried for him and missed him and loved the way he dribbled sweet words and held me in his arms for moments in time. Often the smooth ones are the most dangerous, ridiculously passing as the "nice guys" when in fact they are the worst of them all.

So is there a time in every womens life, where she gets sick of all these jerks and decides that maybe, maybe after all,  a lifetime together is to be shared with the nice guy. Its that realisation that excitement and butterflies are fleeting, that memories won' hold you together forever, that in the end respect, trust, faithfullness and friendship are ultimate. That the man who wants to here you speak and see whats really inside of you before he hops between the sheets is really the one that you should be with.

Is this what growing up is ultimately about?

Another life, another time

Dear S

Its been over a year. There has been many men but only one city since i last wrote. I still think of you sometimes, wonder how you are, where you are, who your with?

But i don't miss you the way i used to. You are but a fond memory. I stopped craving for you. Those craving turned to other men.

And my life, its still going well. Work is full of excitement. Men are a plenty. I am once again in a stable relationship. This time with a nice guy - i think he may even be a keeper.

I fell for a soccer player you know. He was exciting and fun. He was the reason i forgot about you really. But then that all went to dust, as all things exciting seem to.

So i'm going to try out the nice stable good guy. Is my childhood of frivolity over? Is it time to settle down to life?

Only time will tell.

Be careful what you wish for - you might just get it

A few months back i was at an indian wedding and i walked away dreaming of meeting an indian man.

Come new years and who do i end up with. So i am seeing an indian guy, the type that you settle down with, the type that your intincts tell you to trust. The type of guy that will be by your side with a smile on his face.

So i say good bye to the fugitives and the soccer players, to the taken and the ones aiming into the sky.  

Its time to start living life, being a good person, being stable and happy.

A changing of the tide

With the coming of a new year , with the growing older through time, i enter a new life stage in my life.

An older, wiser, more mature one. 

A place i never thought i would reach, enter, wanter to reach.

It was a few thoughts here and there, a few sentiments, a few looks of the joy on their litte faces as they pass me by. Is that maternal instinct finally surfacing? Am i but yet another pin in the whole scheme of the world, doing their best, to live life and be happy.

Just like everyone else?

So close, yet so far away

I miss you. I miss your arms around me, your body, the way we moved together, the kisses, the hugs and falling alseep together. I miss waking up with you. 

Why don't i call you? Why don't you call me?

Do you miss me too?

I wonder...

An abundance of all, yet no substance to it all

We have everything available to us in abundance these days. Choices, opportunities, material possessions, countries, cities and even friends. Yet sometimes it feels like we get lost in it all, that it all gets spread so thin that after a while, a whole lot of everything amounts to not much of anything.

We look to our friends. Any facebook page would have me at the height of a social butterfly, i have just under 300 hundread friends. That doesn't even include all the friends of friends i have at my disposal to tap into if i wish. 

Yet i have no best friends. In amougst the masses i have missed out on forging that one, two, three four person tribe that sticks thick and thin, through it all. I don't have someone i tell all about my day each night, there is no one to call to say i am sick, there is no one to have a night out with or a chat when i feel lonely.

And its like that for everything. We have at our disposal the entire world. Its one of the greatest times to be alive.

Yet so sterile and lonely. 

Craving substance

Another year comes to an end

So close to the end of another year. This time it has crept up even faster than the last. Its at this stage that you start reflecting on the year that was. The milestones you achieved, the laughs that you had, those special never to forget moments lived and the mistakes you learnt from. 

Every year it comes down to a number of moments in our lives that pool together to define the year that was.

So for me this year was one of solidifying a life that had been running around the world, free as a bird for some time. It was one to stabilise and figure out the important things, slow down a bit so that one can move forward even faster into the future. All good lives need a solid base and this was the year i started creating that.

So i changed careers and moved into my first management role, i bought my first apartment, i lived in one city i call home for three seasons and intend to stay for more, i bought some expensive make up, i dated someone and i lost someone, i watched the first of my friends get married and really started to appreciate the wonderful-ness of my family.

It was a year of building solid foundations so that i can soar next year. All dreams need foundations.

What will next year bring? Only time will tell...

life in retrospect and history repeating itself

To my dear sis,

Today in you, i caught a glimpse of a mistake i myself made. It broke my heart to see it repeating itself, yet i felt so helpless not saying anything. I am not the best communicator and even if i was, would it make a difference.

I always envied the friendships that you had. I was always the one that was flying around the world, running from the arms of one exciting man to another, making new friends, developing new careers, making plans to stake out my own share of this world.  You were the one that stayed in melbourne, holidays were for spending time with good friends. You had no desire to take over the world or see what it was like to live on every continent in the world.   So while i never stayed put the keep the friendships alive that i crave today, i saw you enrich them, embedded in them and glowing in their glory.

Yet the other day i enquired about your best friend. Yes the one that was always in every photo of you, the one that new all about you, the one that everyone new was your best friend. I was surprised at your response, that she was no longer your best friend.

I remembered back to the days of my two best friends. Before falling in love with men, before traveling he world.   They were the best of friends and life was beautiful and it was always smiles and fun.  Yet i never kept in touch, i lost that magic. A few years later i realised what a mistake that i had made, that as you grow older, friends are not so easy to make, that bonds form in younger days are often stronger than those from later life. That in younger days, of uni days, of school days one has the time to really get to know another, unlike in later life where the world gets busier and busier. 

So those friendships for me were never the same again. Who would have thought that my best friend i would call but once a year, if that at all?

So my dear sis, i see red lights, i want to see you make up and realise the importance of those friendships formed when young.

I hope you sort it out in time, for it too much time passes that magic is gone, and often so hard to recapture. 

A stroll through memory lane

Yesterday i went for a stroll through the botanical gardens.  Life has come so far that it is but my backyard these days.  Yet back in those days it was a magical place for you and i.  Its where we grew up, fell in love, hid from the world and found our own sanctuary.  I strolled past our special place on the hill, which overlooked the big canopy of trees below. I sat by the lake where once we asked a stranger to take a photo. Even now when i look at that photo, i can almost feel the love and emotion that we shared.

Of course that time is over. Of course in those days we lived far away, there was much to do. This place was stolen moments in time, in between classes, in between parents, in between two cultures which set to tear us apart.

These days we have both grown up. We have become successful. You and i, we can both walk here from our homes. Even see it from our windows. 

Yet for you and I, this is not a time or place any longer. We went our separate ways a long time ago. That love we shared is for the trees, for the lake, for that special spot on the hill, for another time, another world.

Its no longer ours for we walked away, each to their own destiny.

Why do i miss him so?

I never thought it would get to this. That i would crave his touch, his words, his eyes, his arms around me. 

I miss him a lot. The way he looked at me, the way his eyes lit up when i walked into the room, the way he took the lead and i was by his side. The way he confided in me with his fears and thoughts, the way he asked for my advice, the little thoughtful things he did to make sure i felt special and comfortable.

Why did i not respect him, love him, admire him and accept him from the start? Why did i doubt him so much?

I miss him now. 

I hope you call

The worst part in my mind about you and i, was that i never gave it my all. I never admires, respected and loved you with all that i had. It was cautious steps for me, protecting my heart as i let you lead.

I stayed quiet when i should of spoke. I let you assume and believe things about me that was not truth. You never saw the fiery, spunky, spontaneous girl that i am. The worst thing is you never will. 

You have written me off, never knowing the real me. And really, its me that never let you in.

I didn't know how, i didn't know when. I wanted to be someone else to see what it was like. 

So i miss you now. So i miss you and wonder what it would be like, had you have known the real me.

Right now you have a special place in my heart. To work things out, to let you in, to see if we click. The real me and the real you.

I hope you think of me sometimes with a smile, i hope you miss me, i hope you call.

Retresting back against all that was learned

I seem to have gone back in time. I was developing for a while, growing comfortable with myself, not drinking, being fit and healthy, enjoying the quiet me time.

And then one day i find myself alone and feeling lonely. Of wanting company without quality. 

Its time for a change. Time to let go of the past, to figure out whats stressing me out, to straighten out my life and find the core to my happiness.

Easier said than done tho.

I miss those moments in India which made me realise how lucky i was to have my life. 

And men. How to sory out the men in my life. I think now is the time to venture forth, time to enter a part of my life once more where i want to throw caution to the wind and have fun. 

So let me make a commitment. From today onwards for the next two months of my life its just fun and games, nothing serious. I want to sleep with any guy i so find desirable, give those i wouldn't usually give a try and just enjoy life for just a little while. 

Because i can, because i want to, becuase i am free.

Busy busy busy

Sometimes its nice to be busy. It distracts you in some ways, it keeps the adreline up and you forget about those bigger issues in your life that haunt your when you find a moment all to yourself.

But at the same time, your running away in some ways, are you not? Ultimately one day one must face their problems. If one does not, it will linger on.

Be careful what you wish for

When i was young and a dreamer i had this image in my mine. An image of a lady with a trench coat, a samsonite suitcase, a designer handbag and dark glasses, hopping from city to city, catching planes as if it were a bus. I saw her sipping wine in expensive restaurants, flicking through magazines in the lobby of an expensive restaurant, sitting in a boardroom with a suit, hopping from one function to the next.

And then one day i became that women.

Sometimes dreams do come true.

And then sometimes i absolutely love it. It defines me, it drives me, it makes me smile with pride. Yet other times i find myself alone in an expensive hotel, missing my family, missing my friends, missing that familiarity.

Some dreams loose their glimmer. Or they become reality and one must find new dreams.

But in finding new dreams one becomes more careful, for dreams do come true.

You have set me free

Sometimes the easiest way to let go of a boy is to find out that he doesn't deserve the respect you gave him. That he is not worthy, honest and trust worthy, that his words had always been but empty promises, that those tiny moments of feeling special were nothing more than smooth talk, practised and refined across countless women.

Yes its easy to let him go now. Loose respect.

Cat got my tongue

Against the backdrop of the ocean i love so much, two passers by interwine once more.

The words were meaningless, i never know what to say to you. Your presence too powerful, my feelings so deep i don't even understand them. 

I push away. I'm scared of you.

I know not how you feel. I know not how i feel.

Are we meant to be together? All these coincidences, is the universe aspiring to bring us together? 

I still miss you.

If only i could tell you how i feel

Your close by but so far away. We live in two different worlds now. I collected my stuff and left the other day.

"Keep in touch, call me, email me" and so we said goodbye to a love that could have been but never got the chance to find out.

I held back so many times. Was it you? Was it me? Did i not feel i had your attention or was it that i was too insecure to show my real self?

Those moments when i missed you, should i have told you?

I miss you now. 

You will never know that.

Catching a glimpse of paradise

With the ocean on one side, the palm trees by the road, a few beamers cruising by and tunes on my ipod, i jog along with my head held high.

I feel lucky to be alive, lucky for this to be regular, lucky that i am fit and healthy, lucky to be surrounded by other fit and healthy people. Jogging along as i watch the ocean waves hit the shore i feel a slightly calming effort. The new group of beach volleyballers and their antics and mastering the art call for a short chuckle while i watch the kite boarders attempt impossible feats in the backdrop. The occasional family with the pram or kids, a couple holding hands makes me smile with a tad of envy for a world i am not apart of.  I pass dogs on leashes, other jogger by's, the odd indian tourist and smile at the eclectic world that i have immersed myself in. 

The oceans calming and sometimes i walk along the shore, staring into the distance, astounded by its greatness. I think of other lives, of friends and lovers made on other shores and the future which awaits. The world is my oyster and the ocean the path. 

This is where i think, this is where i teach myself to be happy, this is where i feel lucky to be alive. The evening colours of pink and orange as the sun says goodbye for another day, the beam of sunshine which strike down through the occasional cloud, the lights and the city which comes alive as night falls, all come together to create one of those moments.

For just a moment it seems like i've caught a part of paradise.

Another new start

Its one of those turning points in life where i say good bye to some things, recognise the value of others and open my heart and eyes to another world.

This time i say goodbye to a boy who had captured my heart for a moment, to those hugs and cuddles i had come to crave and whose arms i had begun to feel ever so safe in. I say goodbye to a less confident, slightly stressed version of myself who had for some time been looking to find her feet in a new career. 

I keep the part of me that values the friendships, the effort and time spent with family, conversations which bring you closer and caring more each day. I keep the gym sessions and the evening runs and relaxing over a swim. I keep that feeling of physical well being and feeling happy. 

As i turn a new leaf, i say hello to a world of possibilities, of a more confident me at work, one that is looking to take charge of her career and take it to the next level. I say hello to one who want to work hard, explore possibilities and revel in the effort. 

I open my heart once again to love, to that elusive stranger that i will meet one moment into the future who will have that spark, that twinkle in their eyes where i'll just know. I'll look forward to feeling that magical connection once more and building up the trust and friendship, forging the foundation for a lifetime together.

Yes its time to turn the page once more. Thankyou world for the good times.

Breaking up is always hard

Even though i know it had to come to an end, even though i didn't even see him in my future, It still hurts.

Multi Million dollar deals

It was just another one of those days, donning a suit and a presentation on a USB pitch i find myself pitching to a few suits.  You give me half a mill and i'll make you five.

Its funny how we grow up isn't it. Throw a few million around here and there, perhaps consider taking over the world or something along those lines.

And then later on, going for a jog along the ocean, listening to tunes on my ipod, contemplating the future and where i want to go. Melbourne, Switzerland, the states, a harvard MBA or perhaps i could become an investment banker?

So many possibilities, so many realities.

And then there's men, should i call him, should i leave it, should i forget him, i never was that into him anyways. Or will it blossom into something more. 

Its one of those blissful moments in life really. Great friends, great career, great family, great life. Stability where the heart is. 

How can some people be so mean

You put all your trust and heart into a man, he treats you with kindness and sweet words. For just a moment you feel safe in his arms, are caught up by his charms. You feel like a team and he speaks of a life to be lived together.

And then one day, its like a switch turns on and he becomes another person. His words no longer sweet, you barely recognise him as the one you let into your life, in faith, in trust.  He seems not to care how you feel, if he is making you cry, if he is kicking you when your down. 

You wonder, did this man change, or was this the real him, waiting to pop out at some destructive moment?

Its hurts.

Life as a Alpha Femme

I've always been the alpha femme, successful, beautiful, smart, with my life together and the world wrapped around my little finger. Never really with a drought of savvy eligible men but then never really in a committed relationship either.

I expect the world to bend to my rules. If i intimidate a man away, thats his problem, not mine. Its about setting your standards high and finding a man that can handle all that is me.

Typically i always thought it was the alpha male that was meant for me. Strong, successful, on top of his game, no need to be intimidated by myself as his life is so successful.

Yet i read an article on the psychology of alpha males and females which brought on one of those lightbulb moments. Alpha males in general are driven by insecurities, there are many other men on his footstep just waiting to take him on. Alpha females on the other hand are unique, take on that non-traditional role, make the rules and are truly and honestly confident.  

This article went on to say an alpha male needs validation, yet with an alpha female, he meets his match or gets intimidated. Its not to say all women would have this effect but its an interesting observation.

So what does it mean for me? It doesn't have to mean anything. My dream man will come along at the right moment and i'll just know.   Its a matter of being true to myself and living my in such a way that i have a smile on my face each morning and night. 

Life always blossoms into all that is beautiful.

Stilettos in the boardroom

Sometimes in the middle of a meeting, in the middle of a discussion, i almost get startled by how far i've come.    I look around me, and find myself amoungst men, sitting in a boardroom in my stiletto's, discussing business strategy and the way forward. I'm the youngest and the only female in all this, and i have my part to play in the whole scheme of things.

Sometimes i think career has been the easiest part. But then i guess it always got a whole lot of effort too. Its like an elephant on a skateboard, ready to be pushed just a little go very very far. Success comes at the tip of my fingertips, leading to even greater sucess'

If only the rest of life could work out as well.

My Perfect Man

My perfect man would dote on me and love me and want me by his side, always and forever. He would want to wake up with me in his arms and he would want to fall asleep holding my hand. He would crave to brush the hair away from one face, to cup my face within his warm hands and kiss me ever so gently while looking deeply into my eyes.

My perfect man would want to know every little detail of my life, what makes me tick, what makes laugh, what makes me cry, what makes me feel alive. He would be supportive of my dreams, he would welcome me into his life with an open heart. I in turn would know everything about his, his dreams and aspirations, his closest and deepest secrets, what makes him laugh and what makes him hurt.

It would be an innocent love, pure and true, built on faith and trust. One of holding hands and never wanting to be apart. We would yearn for each other and think of the other constantly.

My perfect man and i would be a team and it would be us against the world. A reckonable force so strong that nothing could stand in our way or tear us apart. Our problems would be between us and we would be ever so faithful to each other.

My perfect man and i would love each other, forever for all of eternity.

My perfect man would make me smile each night, each day, each moment.

Too much information can be a dangerous thing

So i've met a man and in a ideal wold without insecurities and hurt i would go head first. Yet i protect myself, play games and end up with nothing.

With the onset of technology one can tell all sorts of things about another person. You can find out things online about someone that in the past never would have been possible.

Gone are the days when we are all so pure and innocent. Life isn't like that any more. Its so hard to trust someone so intensely. To make yourself vulnerable.

Where do you draw limits to your world? to the pain. If something is painful, if a man can make you cry. Then why do we stay.

Its really time to walk away isn't it.

Why is it so hard to break up with someone

Some people are comfortable being the dumper while others are comfortable being the dumpee.  Sometimes it boils down to sex, while other times pure personality.

For me, pre sex, I am most likely to be the dumper. Post-sex though, there seem to be some irrational form of attachment we women feel, a false sense of intimacy which clouds ones judgement. Even if i find myself in a situation where i cry myself to sleep each night, i still find it so hard to let go.

And then comes communication. I am coming to realise that this is definitely not one of my strong points. Its almost like i am scared of feeling rejected so i don't speak up about what i want. 

I guess these are the motions in life. 

In need of a friend

Even after all this time, it seems i have not mastered the art of friendship.

I miss the days of growing up, where routine and simple things dictated life, where cliques in schools dictated your friends and you saw them every day without fail. I miss those moments in growing up where you spend your day with that one person and then return home to chat over the phone all night.

Life has become so busy, the world has opened up so many options, its too easy to hop a city or a country. We catch more planes that public transport and communication is the occasional checking in on facebook when one gets a birthday reminder. 

True friends are hard to come by and it seem i have given them up. And the ones few and far between who are completely dependable live in other cities, under a different sun and moon.

I crave those moments of childhood innocence, before we grew up, explored the world and become so successful and busy that we don't even know what its like to be happy anymore.

Is he a keeper?

Why do women stay in relationships when it doesn't make them happy. 

When i am with him i am happy, but i like the warmth of another person, the hugs and kisses and cuddles. Besides them he could be any other man. 

Its not really him i am craving is it. Its just a man.

He doesn't make me happy and there are some characteristics in him that make me feel uneasy. 

If i had to describe him in five words i would say:

Selfish, Self-centered, Lost,  affectionate, arrogant

I wonder sometimes if he knows me at all. What makes me tick, what makes me cry, what makes me laugh.   If i were to look into the future i don't see him in it.

I think i know what to do now.

On missing the spark

So i'm seeing this so called nice guy. Just successful an arrogant enough to be datable, self-centered enough to keep me interested.

I miss the spark thought. I'm meant to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship. Should i not be more excited? 

I miss the days of falling in love on a tropical island, trying to cram a lifetime into one holiday fling, of feeling like you've met your soulmate.

Is this what relationships are meant to be like?

I had Changed. They had not

Somestimes i cry and i don't know why. My life is perfectly content. Mostly happy and content, successful, no real money worries, an amazing family, great friends and even a boy in the picture as of late.

Its a saturday night and i was happy to spend some time on my own. Great catch with some interstate friends, catch up on my chores, listen to some tunes. 

Yesterday was a blast from the past that i have been trying to avoid. A group of friends that i prioritised for way too long whose values i barely recognise let alone respect. Yet in the muck of it all is always a good hearted friend that you so want to keep. 

So i was back in that world of glamour and louis vutton handbags, where the women are beautiful, pretty, sexy, successful, smart and trendy, on the arms of equally successful and looking men. Feeling somewhat underdressed i remembered the days when i held my own in this crowd, how it was important to aspire to be the most beautiful, never really to succeed.   The backstabbings, the cheating, the game playing, the head games , all a natural part of this world. I learnt that true friends are hard to come by.

I had changed. They had not.  

I walked away with a sour feeling in my mouth. 

No happy reunions. No new enemies.

I didn't do it

Somethings just feel wrong. I feel proud of myself. Just that i can't. That i am a better person for just waiting to see if he would come through.

I've still got it

Do i need validation from the oposite sex to feel good about myself?

To the world i am a confident, secure, fiesty, beautiful goddess with everything going for me. Inside it seems that i am insecure, lonely, sad and desperate. I just hide it so well, even to myself.

So even before one thing ends, on the first sign of neglect i search for others. Tonight its another date, the men are a plenty and its a matter of choosing. I feel no guilt.

Am i cheating? I don't even know. I thought i was in a relationship. But yet i haven't heard from him in three weeks. Is he doing right thing? who knows?

If only life was easier. Tonight i will go forth and see what happens.

Another late night

Sleepless in my trendy south yarra apartment. Missing him, although sometimes i'm not sure who "he" is. Is it the one of the moment, a blast from the past, a craving for the future.

Its not like i've even lost him yet. But then its not like i have him either. And then thinking about it again, its not like i am completely into him and have been right and innocent all along.

At the end of the day i think deep down my feelings are true and genuine. I am just not feeling secure and loved right now to act on them the way i would love. I need to learn to have more faith in men, to really give it my all.

I feel i have lost this time, but for next time its something to remember.

So i met him at a time when i had declared to spend two months going crazy and having random fun, sleeping with every good looking man that i can conjure up. That was the point where i met him, the one i thought was the man of my dreams. So in a moment i dropped my plan and dived right in to a relationship.

I don't know what i want now. I need him to be more attentive. I don't feel right. 

I wish i wouldn't be effected the way i am, but i guess that just means i also felt happiness intensely.

I wonder what the future will bring?

Why do we destroy all that is good

So a few months back i met the perfect man, yes another one. Each time i meet the one i give it my all, sort of.

During all that is good i doubt it.

I am not sure if it is me that is destroying it, or if he was never worth it in the first place. Is it that female thing to blame oneself? Are people trustworthy? How does the world work?

Each time ones heart gets broken, one would think it gets easier, yet it doesn't. It's a little comforting knowing that life goes on, but at the same time it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I miss the days of carefree. When one did not know about broken hearts. 

Life in Motion

One moment your back in your childhood world, wondering where life will take you as a grown up. You imagine globetrotting the world with a beautiful samsonite suitcase, hopping on a plane as if it were a bus, decked out in designer gear, sipping wine at a trendy bar while balancing a handsome significant young other and a glamourous career, all while wearing stilleto heals.

And then one day you wake up and find that dream half true. Your negotiating multi million dollar accounts with men in suits, sitting around in boardrooms. Better yet the samsonite suitcase is always by your side, only to be accompanied by a trendy handbag and sunnies, not to mention the planes, drinks and parties.

But at times you feel so lonely. Friends come and go, and that significant other -- he seems to pop in to my life in various disguises for moments in time, only to disapear as suddenly as he appeared.

So life, what be of it. What to do. Some times it feels like i'm just living through the motions.

A place called home

Its not about returning home. Its about feeling it.

There is a difference and its only now, three months into my new life in my old home, that home feels like home.

The man who captured my heart has lost it just as quickly. Someone i had so much faith in let me down and my intuition was mistaken. The man whom i had such faith in turned into just another, or even worse. Someone so dishonest and unreliable, he was not even worth my thoughts. And in one moment i stopped yearning for him and saw him for who he really was.

True beauty shines through and he lacked thereof.

And life is comming along. I find myself waking up in the morning with a smile, bouncing my way through life, serene, calm, full of life and living life, not simply waiting by wondering whats wrong.

I love my job, i love my family, i love my friends and i love my home. I am open to love and couldn't be better.

One of those moments, those feelings of being me that i just want to capture and treasure forever.

I still miss you

Dear M,

My life is going exceptionally well. It seems i have it all together, an abundance of friends, the phone continuously ringing, supportive parents, have found a new place to live, settling in well to my new job and i've even bought an investment property. 

So why is it that i have spent my whole day thinking of you and missing you?

I can still feel your arms around me as you held me in your arms, i can still feel your gaze upon me.

The hardest thing is not knowing why. What we had was so special that i can't believe you would drop it by the way side for no good reason. I believe in you and have too much faith in you to think that you were simply being a prick of a guy. In fact if i thought that of you it would make things easier.

U and I are meant to be together and i'm angry at you for dropping what we have. I'm sure each of us will find love and fullfillment, but you know we had one of those magical, once in a lifetime chances.  I don't feel that we are fnished with each other yet - for the moment we are -- but someday, some place, some lifetime, our past will bring us together for another chance. 

Perhaps i will come looking for you in Palolem, not to reconcile and not for another go at a fairytale romance, just to see what happens and perhaps a friendship. That is if my intuition is guiding me right into thinking you are not a bad person, just someone thats under stress and perhaps confused and have lost their way. 

In the meantime its time for me to move on regardless of how hard it is to forget you. Its lie life teachs you many lessons, that love doesn't last forever.

I know we met for but a few days but i have known you for lifetimes. I will know you for lifetimes to come as well. 

For now its another goodbye and as a new day comes forth i will once again try to move on and live my life with a smile.

When looking for something, it seems just out of reach

I'm home. 

This is the moment i've been waiting for really all these years. To some home and be ready to travel.  Well i'm here, so what now?

So home hasn't become that magical place where all the answers are. Yes that sense of familiarity and being with family is nice. Friends - well it seems Melbourne has forgotten me.

Sometimes i get scared to go to the same city twice. Especially a city which has beautiful memories. As time goes by, people change, places change, lives change and sometimes are great expectations only make way for a downward fall.

I'm back at my childhood home. I haven't sorted out a home as of yet. There is much work to be done.

And the friends i have. Well times are changing, everytime you travel away you come back a different person. More enlightened, more aware of yourself, little changes the result of experiences you've not shared with those that remained. So as the world around continued to live out its everyday existence, i went and changed and now i no longer fit into that crook which once belonged to me. 

Home can be and soon will be a magical place once more. You just need to work at it, rebuild your life as you would in any other new city, except this time it all seems a little more familiar with a little more distractions.

After a crazy hectic time in Sydney and a solid few years of partying and living the crazy life, I'm ready to take it a little more easy. Perhaps i am growing up. I don't crave to be out hitting the bars in the hopes of meeting the man of my dreams, i don't want to dance until daylight breaks, and if i'm to be alone, then so be it. The midnight kebabs have lost their lustre and i may have a fresh salad for dinner these days. I'm looking forward to hitting the gym and being the best i can be.

It seems the more times i've left and returned home, the more i feel like a stranger.  

Is it just that the girl who left isn't the one that has returned?

Random ramblings you'll never hear about

Hi M,

I know i cannot speak to you now that you have disapeared out of my life but sometimes its nice to write a letter. Even if its one you will never read.

So my time in Sydney is coming to an end and i think i am doing alright. Packing up your life, saying goodbye to a city is always difficult, but this time not so bad. I've done it so many times before i think i am getting good at it.

And this time i am packing up my life to return home for good. The concept of home has long awaided me, that is until now. I've travelled in search of greener pastures only to discover that home is where my sanctuary lies. So while i'm sad to leave this city that has become an adopted home, i'm also looking forward to going back to the familiar, seeing my family and friends, never getting lost and knowing where the secret carspots are. The little things...

Emotionally i am doing ok too. I only think of you sometimes these days. Did you know that there's even been another man in my life? He was a lovely man who doted on me and we had a wonderful time together over christmas and new years during the holidays. I even met his brother and sister and daughter. Yes thats right he had a daughter, and while that brought on complications, it also made him all the more endearing. It was lovely to see a man take on so much responsibility, looking after his daughter half the time, putting her needs first.

Its all in the past though. Once the holidays ended life got busy and reality came knocking at both our doors. Sometimes we all get so busy, live in different cities, go on business trips to other countries that we can't savour the importance of those who should be close to us. We don't appreciate the comfort the company of another human being brings. So it fizzled out but really, it was never fireworks. Just a nice relationship. It ended weeks ago really.

So what have i been upto the past few weeks? Well i've been roaming around Sydney. Its a beautiful city you see. A walk to Bondi and catching the waves along the shore, sitting up on a rocky shore staring at the ocean, having an open steak sandwich or a big breakfast brunch at one of the cafes, an occasional rant in my journal whilst listening to tunes on my ipod. Thats life really.

And sometimes i find a quiet spot, I'm a loner in a lot of ways. And i look far out into the ocean and i imagine you by the ocean on another shore. Its a comforting thought, just the water and the waves seperating us, albeit a million miles away.

Other days i go down to Glebe. I've found a pocket of Sydney which i've really come to love. There's a fair trade cafe there, one of those places that try to save the world one coffee bean at a time by purchasing from farmers who aren't getting ripped off by big organisations. Its got lots of counches and stools and exotic cushions and is the perfect place to read a book or people watch.

At times i shop, i am a girl after all. Other days i go a bit more down the tourist trail, sipping coffee by the opera house, sititng under the harbour bridge, wandering around the sunday market at the rocks where captain cook first arrived. Sydney's a lovely city really.

So there you have it. While i still think of you, i still wonder what it would have been like if you had of kept your word, i'm still living my life, I'm still enjoying it. You may have broken my heart and my trust but life goes on.

Well i better get back to packing my life away. Its time to start a new life, say my goodbyes and ce la vie. Life is busy busy so i must go.

I hope your well and happy

Accepting that Fairytales don't always come true

So i've spent the last few years chasing fairytales. At times for just a moment i have lived in them, capturing moments of bliss and warmth, living out my own fairytale where my knight in shining armour holds me ever so gently in his arms.

But reality has always come knocking on my door. Until now my attitude has been that it is better to have loved, than not. That the pain is worth the pleasure.

Many broken hearts later i wonder if i am getting to a turning point in my life. Having had my heart broken so many times, having my trust assualted so many times, am i loosing a certain sense of innocence?

Is that beautiful, naive, optimistic, idealistic girl is growing into a sensible mature young women, too scared to put her heart out to the world anymore. Too protective of a heart thats been trampled one too many times.

Its a sad day that dawns when that innocense is lost.

It seems we get to a stage in life where we must let go of our fairytales and look towards stability and all that is nice. An everyday relationship.

Is that so bad?

How can one break your heart so without even a thought

And once upon a time i met a man, on Palolem beach in Goa at a beach cafe called Dropidees. It was a magical time and in one moment he captured my heart and the next he broke it to pieces.

If only people knew how much hurt and pain they caused when they break your heart.

Getting your heart broken is always hard

They say that a guy that makes you cry just isn't worth your tears, yet they keep flowing.

Why do i keep doing this to myself i ask. I went into it knowing very well how difficult love can be when one does not have a home and the miles start adding up. When a three year relationship with a guy i loved with such intensity couldn't last the test of distance, what was it that made me think a 5 day holiday romance could?

Love is irrational and its so easy to get carried away by the moment. I've always thought that its better to have loved and lived, that to live your life afraid of what could be. But now i am beginning to feel that i owe it to myself to have some sort of self-protection. That i need to stop living life in incredible highs and horrible lows.

So one sunny day while sipping papaya juice and watching the ocean in Beautiful Goa i meet a man whose eyes convey the deepest of yearnings for me. With his emails and phone calls he woos me back and i find myself traversing through Asia and flying back into his arms for a fabulous five days of bliss before real-life beckons.

We make plans for the future, to spent new years together, to have adventures together, everything seems so amazing. That is until life comes knocking at our doors and his world spins with fashion shows, london galleries and internations business endeavours. I too am no better flying around australia, contemplating new careers, going out with friends new and old and entertaining the idea of possible dates.

Yet i still have a soft spot for him. I even call him. I haven't heard from him in over a week. He makes me sad and he makes me cry. I always figure if you really wanted to get in touch with someone no matter where you are in the world, you can if you really want to. So really, its time for me to let go even though its so hard and even though i crave him touch and the way he looks at me.

Once again its time to say goodbye. As one door closes another one opens.......

And another one bites the dust

So here i am in that familiar situation again, packing up my life into various suitcases, about to leave another life, about to start another life.

And again this time i am ready to leave. Having exhausted my friends, having not made many and having seen the very few friends i have made leave my life. The thing about travelling is that you tend to meet other travellers. Everyone always leaves for home. Yet i travel from place to place to place that even home lacks the familiarity.

So its been a tough few months but its been an experience where i feel i have matured, yet i think some experiences are better left alone so that you can do the learning at your own pace. Yes i am setting myself up for becomming a global manager, yes these experiences are pulling in notches on my belt as i become a corporate globetrotter, yet i have this immense feeling - Is this what i want?

Write now i am lonely, i have no close friends. Sometimes life is peachy and exciting, sometimes its one huge low. Maybe sometimes i want to be content.

Yet it hasn't all been bad, i just happen to be in one of those moods.

My weekends in Bombay, wandering through colaba, the markets, the bazaars, the exclusive sushi bars, casually getting into a can to stroll through malabar hill, to wander through a museam and enjoy a fresh lime soda. Those visits have been magical from learning to confidentloy get around India on my own to feeling the magic of a city which is so complex and hypocritical and beautiful in its own way.

And then there was those random business trips where i would find myself flying into Bombay and would call a friend and end up at an upmarket bar with a mohito in one hand and a papaya sushi in the other, laughing and drinking with my globe trotting successful worldly friends. Those are the moments where you pause and reflect on how lucky you are.

And that moment when i was standing at the ledge of a waterfall about to rapel down with only the rope as my life line and i fully connected with the quote on my strawberry outboud tour operators T-shirt "Adventure is when you say to yourself, ''Oh, now I've got myself into an awful mess; I wish ....."". But like all adventures its the courage it takes to make that first step down thats the hardest, and when you push yourself off its an amazing feeling of accomplishment, to repel down the waterfall, feeling the water on your skin, to see the ground approaching and gazing out over the mountainside when time starts moving slower, that makes it all worthwhile.

Another flight took me to Goa. Now what a beautiful place that is. Beach, sun and a social life. I made more friends in three days that i had in the last three months. From walking along the beach, taking a boat ride along the backwaters to sitting at the beach cafe sipping hot lemon tea and papaya juice while watching the ocean - If bliss needed to be redefined that would be the definition.

And the unexpected moments of romance and what could be. That last morning sitting at the beach cafe in palolem i meet someone that sparks my interest. Lovely palolem, the sun, the beach, the seafood, the friendliness and the potential sparks of romance are enough for me to come back there, and so on the nonsical whim i book myself a flight back over. After my trip to the Himalayas in Nepal and a short look at the gangas of Varanasi. Now its at those moments that i really feel the excitement.

So life has been a whole coktail of emotions ...

As the Novelty wears off

Now that its been a while the frustration begins to kick in. The first few weeks were great with mini sphiphanies every second. Seeing a different way of doing business, exploring another culture, meeting people, learning new things, finding my feet.

But with it comes some things that just don't seem to be sorting itself out. I feel like i come from a clock work society and at times its a shock to the system when some things just don't get done.

The culture and fitting in, questions as to how much i should be me and how much i should adapt. The differences between men and women and the way they interact. Being here it really makes me realise the assumptions i make in my daily life as they no longer hold up.

Today its another day at the office and the details of my project and why i am here are still unclear. At first i thought they had it under control, they always had something for me to do. Study this, learn this, go on a customer visit and it was great and they were friendly and encouraging. I am beginning to think that its all somewhat of a distraction because there is no project. Either that or they don't want me to work on it.

My attempts to ask for something and draw up a plan once again got a wait. Sometimes with the Indians it seems that you just need to be patient and they will sort it ou. Yet some things seem to just drag on and on.

So why am i here away from the comforts of home?

Mumbai (Bombay) - A never ending city

Mumbai (or Bombay if you prefer) is a large city. By large i mean so large the meaning of "large takes on a new meaning.

Take the CBD of melbourne, create about 50 replicas, age them by about 100 years, add some random bridges to connect the replicas, fill with ocean, Add 4-5 beautiful modern building in unexpected places and fill every other place with people and slums. Then you have Bombay!
This is a bustling city which never ends and makes Sydney's traffic problems a dream come through.

Flying in it was a never ending plethora of buildings and slums - walking around the whole concept of privacy and personal space disapears. Yet there's beauty in the simplicity of life, in the friendliness of people in helping one another.

Having been in India for about a month now i think i am almost used to it. Its lovely and frustrating and rich and poor and luxurious and poverty stricken all at the same time. Completely in your face with ups and downs.

At times i love it, the experience of being here, figuring out how to get around and get things done, the work, my project, the opportunities this will bring in the future, being paid to travel.

Other times i just feel like crying, being away from creature comforts, every experience turning into a challenge at the best of times, the endless waiting which seems to be an integral part of life here, the fact that most things work some of the time and that its ok like that.

A process of self discovery

The last few months have really been a process of self discovery for myself. Trying to wade through the tangle that is my life to figure out exactly what i want.

And even today i was so confused, a web of uncertainty with so many choices. And the past few months, work wise trying something new, relationship wise trying to figure out what i want, what i'm doing right, what i'm doing wrong. Family wise, realising i need to forgive and forget and be happy for the amazing support and love i get from my family. In terms of friends, figuring out who will and won't stand by you, realising that despite having so many friends ultimately the only ones who will stand by me through thick and thin are my family, and that i need to start putting them first.

I have realised one thing though, tonight has been a night of revelations. The times where i have been happiest at work i have known where i am going. And lately i haven't. I took some advice i maybe should not have. Be open, my manager said, but for me her strategy is really a drifters one.

I had a training session two weeks ago where they gave me a piece of paper and relaxing music and said think for a few minutes and write down your vision for work life. Mine was blank, i had no idea what i want.

And tonight, and over the past few months i think what i need is a map in my mind and a vision of where i want to be. Looking around job sites there was a random array of things that seemed ok but nothing that really struck a passion cord.

And today i saw something, an area that i have always had a passion for and a position advertised that had my name all over it. And the feelings i have inside make me think thats where i need to go, weather with my company now or with someone else.

Despite studying engineering my real passion is for analysis and marketing. Its what i have found interesting in the positions i have held and i think my strengths lie in analysis. The career path leads up to senior management which is where i want to go.

I will go to india with work, but after that, once rotations are over i will look at all options. If i get what i want from this company for the right salary where i feel appreciated i will stay, but at the same time i will take the best offer that is best for me, not in the interest of a large corporation.

It feels good though, its like my mind has been in chaos for a while and a chord has struck and what i want is a lot clearer in some aspects.

Another life to be left

So its almost the end of May and how my life has changed.

To think since my last post there have been so many men, empty sex. There's been three of them in my life since - each that i have been excitede about for a brief moment

And today i met an old flame out of the blue.

And know what i realised - travel does not lead the way to a stable relationship. Maybe this is why my life has been so empty - i am always ready to run away.

So i am off to india for four months -- lets see what life will unfold this time

When friends let you down

And so someone i knew for 8 years made a move on me. Completely unexpected, he kissed me.

And it was a pleasent surprise and with 8 years of friendship behind us i trusted him. I let him in, not just ohysically on the surface but emotionally as well. Because he was my friend, i could trust him, he wouldnt hurt me.

And how wrong i was and a friend can hurt you more than some random stranger, more than even an enemy.

My life is crazy --> work, sex, men, alcohol, dancing , tears

Lots and lots of tears

Oh to be driven again

Its Christmas Day and i am all alone in a big house. My new place really in a nice trendy neighbourhood. I thought this was what i wanted.

Its only now i realise i don't really have anyone. I have family but i dont appreciate them enough. Right now i should be home with them. Not here on my own.

Friends --> i don't have many to call real.

My life is not so busy anymore and i need it to be busy. Thats when i am at my happiest, when i am driven, busy, determined to succeed

Right now i am lonely and sad. I just want a friend and a hug. To feel the excitement of being alive. I dont know whats wrong with me, i've spent the last six nights going out and drinking with different friends. i should enjoy quiet time on my own.

I guess being alone of christmas is pretty sad

I used to know what i wanted

Last year when i graduated, or even the years before i was sure i was different to everyone else. I knew myself and i knew what i wanted out of life and what i wanted to become. I thought i've been working all this time, nothing will change now.

Yet little did i realise in less that a year my whole viewpoint has changed. Maybe i thought i was more mature than i actually am, maybe i am actually less mature and am only now realising what others realised long ago.

So my new life and this is what i see
* I dont have all the answers and sometimes being stubborn i ignored reality even when it was right in front of me
* Doing the honourable thing doesn't always pay
* Money does matter ( to a certain extent at least)
* I don't want to be an engineer and am more commercially orientated
* You can never really take a break and stop from life --> even if you were successful to continue to be so you need to keep pushing and trying
* Its getting harder to motivate myself
* Everyone needs a place to call home
* Friends are one of the most beautiful and important things in life
* Family is also --> Will always be by your side no matter what
* Right now if someone can't make you number one in their life then they are not the right man for you and by holding on you will eventually get hurt and letting yourself become the victim.

Well right now my mind is in a whole new career mindset. I like engineering to a certain extent but its the sales. strategy, marketing, business development side that really takes my interest. Right now i am doing a online course on marketing just out of interest because i can't wait until i sort out the masters/MBA issue.

Now thats another issue in itself
--> Do i study for the GMAT and try and find the time/money to do one at a wolrdclass university

or --> Do i just enrol in an online course which will take me now and just get on with learning something

or--> Do i drop the MBA idea altogether and just buy the books and do the study and dont worry about the actual qualification as the skills will carry me thru. But then you probably need the formal qualification to move forward through an organisation, to open doors.

So once again lots to think about as this year draws to a close. I am 25 and i guess i have time on my hands to make this decision. I just feel like i am standing still at times and feel i should do something. Would having patience be virtue in this case or stop my progress?

Moving on

One of the hardest things to do, not giving into temptation, realising that the pain is worse that the pleasure.

So i say goodbye to the man with a wife and kids, and welcome to a life full of fun, adventure, romance, friendships and honesty.

Honesty is one of the most important qualities a person must possess to really be great and respected. Without it one is nothing.

A friend has come through for me in such an amazing way. To have someone say to you " call me whenever you need to, even if i am at work, i will be there" , and its a promise which rings so true. Thats the mark of a great friendship and one i am truly greatful for having.

Life is about having beautiful friends who surround you, and S and J , you are two amazing people in my life that i love so much and couldn't live without and i know i can depend on you for a shoulder to lean on whenever i need, and i will do the same for you in a second.

Big Items to Purchase

And today i bought a brand new car. It was one of the most simplest things i have ever done really, although a lot of money will be spent over the next few years.

This is a sign of growing up, that i've sort of made, that life is easy. I'm 25 and its my car and i did it myself. Its scary in a way too that i'm getting older, life gets easier and harder at the same time.

Its funny, having it all doesnt make me so happy, i'm not as excited, i didn't even think about it that much really. Its like life goes on.

Maybe i am just burnt out, i haven't had a break since february and life has been full on. Maybe i just need a rest.

I can't even find a song i like

So i bought a new car --> why am i not happy?

On Falling in Love with a married man

At the end of the day, deep down i realise it will never work. If i had of known at the start that he was married i never would have gone into it. Yet he didn't tell me and i fell head over heels. Sometimes i convince myself i haven't, but i think the truth is i have and sometimes i let my busy life cloud this fact and deceive myself.

Its times like these when i realise why this is not a good idea and i should just let it go. That it will get harder and harder as time goes on. I feel down right now, right at this moment --> yet i have no way of contacting him. I can come online and get more and more depressed, thats about it.

I said to myself, when this gets painful i stop. I think this is the time. Its tempting, its hard, i'm not even sure how to stop, but right now, at this moment i recognise that it is making me down and unhappy and unsure and sad.

Now to act out my words

Big city life!

So there is a difference between Melbourne and Brisbane, or is it all in my mind, or the fact that this is where i grew up....

The relaxed yet still moderately busy, challenging in a good way, interesting and adventurous lifestyle is gone. After 3.5 months i am back in the Melbourne 'mush' and life sure has sped up and i feel like i am living 30 hours in everyday. And coming back to this, I'm finding it difficult to fit my life in as it used to be, like those gym sessions i should be going to.

So I'm contemplating MBA schools and investing in an apartment or buying my own place, rethinking where i want to go with my career and wondering what in the world i will do about my love life. Its not like i am havng fun as well and its all work work work, no not at all......

Monday night i was out on the town, tuesday i lazed around taking advantage of the public holiday, thursday night i went out for dinner and some bottles of red. Friday was a quiet one, mainly because there is something wrong with my phone, saturday morning was running around an info session at the melbourne business school and then a hens night which got too queit so went out hitting some bars.

And then we get to today, random wander around the city marvelling at its beauty and how lucky i am to be able to call it home. Watching a band at the greek festival in fed square before heading over to see a some beautiful pictures at the Earth from above Photography exhibition on the Yarra riverside to the side of Federation square.

I managed to make some ammends with an old highschool friend who i might catch up with later this week and have plans to meet up for dinner with another really good friend for wednesday night. Despite being out almost every night i still haven't seen everyone thats in some way an important part of my life. I guess i am licky in some ways like that too......to have so many friends --> but sometimes i have to wonder how genuine they are.

Also managed to have a great chat with another friend from canada who i met in Brisbane who has been in the middle of nowhere doing site work for the last three weeks. Had a good chat about being the only female on site and the implications that has on your sex life.

Who would think in the middle of all this that i actually work full time heh.maybe what this blog entry is relaly telling me is to slow down, relax, and not do so much!

Another new start

Starting a new job is really difficult.

I do it so often rotating around the company you would think i would get used to it. But you go in meeting new people and no one knows who you are. And you start all over again, you suddently go from being great at what you do to knowing almost nothing.

You have no track record and you need to build up a reputation once again. Sometimes this period is depressing because in your mind you are like i had something great and i wanted more from life so i left what was great in search of something greater.

Sometimes that something greater brings pain and sadness. All the changes, the unfamiliarity, the instability. I'm a successful strong beautiful fit intelligent adventurous women with the whole world in front of me, and yet all i really want is a man to give me a hug and hold me in his arms and make me feel special. I crave it, crave it soo bad it hurts.

So is all this worth it. I'm tired, tired of reaching for so much. Am i burning myself? Is this what this feeling is? Its not like i work long hours and weekends are saved just for adventures and partying. So how could i be burning out?

I guess for now i will go along with it. Cos really my life is geat, even amazing. I just don't know why i feel so down sometimes.

Thats all

And i miss him

Falling in Love

Until about three weeks ago i thought the days of falling madly, passionaltely crazy in love were over. That those feelings were about a first love when you were younger and didn't really know yourself. When you hadn't been hurt before so you didn't realise the risk you took in hurling yourself head first into love. The days when you hadn't discovered who you were, so it was easy to make yourself fit with someone else.

I Thought as you grow older its about compromising, working at it and being with someone you like, but the magic is of another kind.

Until i met one man, the perfect man for me really. And one super brilliant amazing week where there were no games, just two people madly in love who wanted to spend their time together. Intellectually, physically , emotionally , it just worked.

But now he lives on the other side of the world and i have memories of one fabulous week. And then i find he has a wife and kids.

So what does that mean?, everything i felt was based on a lie. But then was it all a lie?, He is thinking of leaving his family so does that mean his feelings were really. That we accidently fell for each other?

I still feel the strength of emotion, i still think a lot of him..........so do i say goodbye to the one guy that brought magic back into my life or do i jump right in and see where life takes me?

Another year gone.

So its been a year and I've lost and found this blog again. It really interesting reading something which i wrote a year ago. It almost feels like a whole lifetime has past in between!

Looking back i've become more humble and modest and have realised i don't always have all the answers. Its not really a loss of confidence because that's still there and going strong, just an understanding of my presense in the world. Realising that while i may be the centre of my world, its not neccessarily the centre of other peoples.

I've acheived a lot, i've matured a lot, i've gone from strength to strength but i have also failed and survived. Things that were missing in my life before i've been working on, so to sum it all up i would say i am moving backwards.

I lead an exciting life with a successful career, lots of travel, weekend adventures, great friends, great career, great relationship with family .......in no real particular order.

I'll try to keep this up to date, random ramblings and thoughts as i elaborate on my life.

Random Ramblings

I won't even begin on the number of blogs i've started and lost to the internet by forgetting my password.

But here we go again........hopefully this one will last.

I'm meant to be doing an assignment, but you know what, i have about one month left of uni untill i graduate, just a bit over it, its been a good ride tho, lots of hard work but i think i'm at a stage where i feel as if i have the skills to do anything, regardless of weather or not i've studied it.

Its a security of another sort really, the confidence in yourself that you can do a good job, I feel ok taking risks, don't really feel the need to stick to something safe and dependable anymore, i want to have fun, i won't to live on the edge a bit, ...........hopefully it all works out, and if it doesn't.pffft.......something will figure something out and it will all be ok

So its taken almost six years, somethings have changed, somethings haven't, i know lots of stuff about random bits and pieces, and then sometimes i learn something new which really illustrates the point that i know nothing at all, sometimes i am happy, sometimes i am sad but seem to pop out of it, i am fit, i go to the gym lots, i love pushing myself tho sometimes i get lazy and have to drag myself kicking and screaming to the gym, friends are ok, not as great as it all used to be, i seem to know lots of people sorta, whearas ages ago, seems like a lifetime ago now, i knew one person really really well, i miss that

As for boys there hasnt been anyone new, lots of little crushes that are amounting to nothing, got out of a long term relationship about 2 years ago, little bits and pieces since then but nothing to call a relationship, sometimes getting my hopes up a lot and then getting hurt, but you know what , that feelings when your crushing on someone....is worth the hurt! ...............and i guess i still hope the right guy will come along into my life

When i have more time i will get things on track, social life, boys, but for now i think its just flowing along. I have a crush on my lecturer, silly really, he's got everything i look for in a ideal guy, smarth, athletic, confident, has faith in me. ..................but i am hopeless when it comes to letting guys know i like them, and with the added complication of him being my lecturer , probably no chance.............

and i will just float along with life you know, because i can