Random ramblings you'll never hear about

Hi M,

I know i cannot speak to you now that you have disapeared out of my life but sometimes its nice to write a letter. Even if its one you will never read.

So my time in Sydney is coming to an end and i think i am doing alright. Packing up your life, saying goodbye to a city is always difficult, but this time not so bad. I've done it so many times before i think i am getting good at it.

And this time i am packing up my life to return home for good. The concept of home has long awaided me, that is until now. I've travelled in search of greener pastures only to discover that home is where my sanctuary lies. So while i'm sad to leave this city that has become an adopted home, i'm also looking forward to going back to the familiar, seeing my family and friends, never getting lost and knowing where the secret carspots are. The little things...

Emotionally i am doing ok too. I only think of you sometimes these days. Did you know that there's even been another man in my life? He was a lovely man who doted on me and we had a wonderful time together over christmas and new years during the holidays. I even met his brother and sister and daughter. Yes thats right he had a daughter, and while that brought on complications, it also made him all the more endearing. It was lovely to see a man take on so much responsibility, looking after his daughter half the time, putting her needs first.

Its all in the past though. Once the holidays ended life got busy and reality came knocking at both our doors. Sometimes we all get so busy, live in different cities, go on business trips to other countries that we can't savour the importance of those who should be close to us. We don't appreciate the comfort the company of another human being brings. So it fizzled out but really, it was never fireworks. Just a nice relationship. It ended weeks ago really.

So what have i been upto the past few weeks? Well i've been roaming around Sydney. Its a beautiful city you see. A walk to Bondi and catching the waves along the shore, sitting up on a rocky shore staring at the ocean, having an open steak sandwich or a big breakfast brunch at one of the cafes, an occasional rant in my journal whilst listening to tunes on my ipod. Thats life really.

And sometimes i find a quiet spot, I'm a loner in a lot of ways. And i look far out into the ocean and i imagine you by the ocean on another shore. Its a comforting thought, just the water and the waves seperating us, albeit a million miles away.

Other days i go down to Glebe. I've found a pocket of Sydney which i've really come to love. There's a fair trade cafe there, one of those places that try to save the world one coffee bean at a time by purchasing from farmers who aren't getting ripped off by big organisations. Its got lots of counches and stools and exotic cushions and is the perfect place to read a book or people watch.

At times i shop, i am a girl after all. Other days i go a bit more down the tourist trail, sipping coffee by the opera house, sititng under the harbour bridge, wandering around the sunday market at the rocks where captain cook first arrived. Sydney's a lovely city really.

So there you have it. While i still think of you, i still wonder what it would have been like if you had of kept your word, i'm still living my life, I'm still enjoying it. You may have broken my heart and my trust but life goes on.

Well i better get back to packing my life away. Its time to start a new life, say my goodbyes and ce la vie. Life is busy busy so i must go.

I hope your well and happy

Accepting that Fairytales don't always come true

So i've spent the last few years chasing fairytales. At times for just a moment i have lived in them, capturing moments of bliss and warmth, living out my own fairytale where my knight in shining armour holds me ever so gently in his arms.

But reality has always come knocking on my door. Until now my attitude has been that it is better to have loved, than not. That the pain is worth the pleasure.

Many broken hearts later i wonder if i am getting to a turning point in my life. Having had my heart broken so many times, having my trust assualted so many times, am i loosing a certain sense of innocence?

Is that beautiful, naive, optimistic, idealistic girl is growing into a sensible mature young women, too scared to put her heart out to the world anymore. Too protective of a heart thats been trampled one too many times.

Its a sad day that dawns when that innocense is lost.

It seems we get to a stage in life where we must let go of our fairytales and look towards stability and all that is nice. An everyday relationship.

Is that so bad?

How can one break your heart so without even a thought

And once upon a time i met a man, on Palolem beach in Goa at a beach cafe called Dropidees. It was a magical time and in one moment he captured my heart and the next he broke it to pieces.

If only people knew how much hurt and pain they caused when they break your heart.