Temptations

It's been a while but i feel like fooling around. These days when i am with him it's great but when i'm not there are so many insecurities that come to play and its tempting to seek in the comfort of many a man that gives me attention and finds me attractive.

 I miss the excitement of being in love. But then this is stable. He is responsible, he keeps his word. But its not that exciting toe curling moments. We havent even said those three magic words yet.

Today i gave you an xmas present. You gave me zilch. Your going away in three days time. This was the last bit of time you had to spare for me.

We had fun but i felt empty the moment you left. Sad that i wasn't so important to you.

I've got to stop putting you first when you dont reciprocate.

Its nice to have a man in my life but sometimes i feel like i'm settling because i'm getting old and unlikely to meet another. That my time is running out and i should cut my losses and settle for mr here now and he seems alright.

I've given up on finding my mr big. There won't be flowers or gallant gentlemanliness or chivalry. He will treat me as an equal and be honest, a tad awkward and not so polished.

I'm not perfect either.

Sometimes in life settling for almost good enough isn't such a bad thing.

 

I think we are back

Is this what growing u is all about? realising that life will never work out perfectly but moments are worth savouring and appreciating.

It's been six months for you and i. I still love holding your hand and looking deep into your eyes. And while i sometimes take lying in your arms for granted, of the constant stream of hugs and kisses, i always love the feel and touch of you.

Your warm hands and that squeeze of the hand. Your smile. The way you brush my hair away before kissing me.

Things are well.

I'm glad its you and me. 

Out of that honeymoon phase

It's that moment when you realize your partner is not perfect and that little things about them annoy you, just as you know, there are aspects of yourself that just won't work.

Its about honesty and dishonesty. Of uncertainty. Of wondering if you should settle because there might be no other man because age is creeping up on all of us.

He's nice. Caught between me and a father that won't let go.

Then there's me. Caught between....

I'm not sure..

Maybe i'm too caught up in trying to please others

I tried so hard. But why did i bother?

This is a lesson learnt in not trying to please people that haven't proven their worth to you yet.

Why did i even wish for your approval?
Why did i want to live my life including you in all that i do?

Why can't you just be nice?
Do you not see the tears?
How you make us hurt?
Do you not care?

He called me ugly

A bubble bursts.

So things were working well with us.

And then i met your dad. He thinks i'm ugly. The worst thing to say to a girl really.

And i'm tempted to drop you before its too late. I'm upset. There are tears in my eyes. In some ways you are so sweet. It's your dad i hate. It's the mum that is on a pedestal. Lessons learnt in not always being polite and trying to please others.

In an ideal world he would accept me and embrace me into their family and consider me a daughter. And we would be family. Thank you good bye to that idea.

I'm tempted to leave. To walk out on what we have. Are we really meant to be?

The world that awaits me is one of promise and adventure. Sure i love the warmth of your embrace and waking up early in your arms. But then i want a family. I want to be accepted. I want to feel beautiful.

Its a hit to the ego that i wasn't expecting.

The only thing i've cried about in the time we have been together is something your dad said.

Just another perfect weekend

Finishing class, mingling with the business elite at b-school, hearing grains of wisdom from those that have made it and travelled a similar road many years ago. Wandering into town to have a drink with your man and his colleagues, meeting up with your best friend and partying the night away. Weekend brunch's, meeting more of his friends, hanging out with mine, midnight snacks at 3am, long and sensual sleep in's with a man i'm crazy about followed by brunch overlooking a lake at the hippest cafe, a little bit of study and seeing my parents.

Really, could life be any better?

These are the moments to savour.

Choosing your own success

So the other day i got my marks for the first semester and for the first time in my life i had to face reality. I had always chased academic success as the price of every other aspect of my life.

These days i feel i have made it, i have a job to return to as a fall back that pays more than 200K a year. That's my backup plan.

I have a wonderful boyfriend that i love spending time with.  I have the most amazing relationship with my parents. I have wonderful friends who care deeply around me.

So in all this, if i study a little less and get a Credit instead of a Distinction and B-school, does it really matter at all?

Its about balance. You can be whatever you want to be. But sometimes you choose not to be. 

These are the moments to savour

Knowing that i'm your world. Knowing that you will call. Talking for hours, laughing and joking. Everything about us is just so highly functional. That gentle gaze, the passion, the depth in our eyes as they meet, the way your skin touches mine, straight to my heart.

Baby you are my world. These are the moments to savour and i can see forever in your eyes.

The other day i was so stressed and as you held me in your eyes i felt myself relax and forget about the world. I felt myself melting into you. Giving in. Enjoying the moment.

I'm in love with you.

An image of us

The other night i lay in your arms on my couch and i could see us through the reflection in the window. We looked so mature, like the perfect adult couple that you would expect to see in some TV advert or something like that.

You were kissing me and i was holding onto you. Feeling secure and so much in love. Your wonderful.

Its that moment in life when everything is just wonderful. It just is..

The perfect life

Some days you wake up and all is working out.

A doting byfriend. He loves me to bits, treats me like a precious stone, values me for all that i am and does not cease to surprise me.

This is the man that holds me all night in his arms, sweeps away my hair as he kisses my lips and squeezes me tight when we hug. He calls me beautiful and love me with all that he is.

Life is wonderful. I've met an amazing man.

Everything else is going well as well. Study, future, all looking so promising and bright.

I love my life. I could not ask for anything more than this...

Its been a while

Life is changing and its going well. I know i haven't written in a while but there has been a good reason for that.

This blog was representative of wondering about the world, who i am, what i want. This last year has been a big one in terms of self discovery, understanding myself and going after what i want.

Doing exactly what i want with my career, with a wonderful man by my side and friends and family all around me, things couldn't be any better. 

Just two uber chic melburnites

So there we were, hand in hand, gazing into each others eyes. The art gallery as a backdrop as we swirl and float and glaze through the exhibition. Our hands entwined, our hearts for each other. And we continue down the beautiful back lit tree lined street, through the river, through to the hippest restaurant in town.

I lay in your arms and discuss the world, our feelings, what makes us tick, what makes us hurt. Trust is a beautiful thing. To be able to recognise another's heart and be able to put your head on is shoulders and know that the little girl inside your heart is safe.

I'm really falling for him.

To what really matters in life

So there is a man in my life right now. One that i stay in touch with daily, one that express' his emotions so easily. One that i can look deep into the eyes of to make him lose his track of thought.  I mesmerize him.

Just as he does me. He is wonderful and lovely. Someone whose hands you hold and a potential forever.

A good heart, clever to boot and the sparks between us. I was thinking of my grandparents today and the love and devotion they held for each other. With this man i think i could replicate that.

In retrospect

He was just as nervous as i was. And what a wonderful first date that made, the anticipation of what could be.  Sometimes that little bit of nervousness is gold, its where that butterflies in your stomach come from. It'd what will make you smile for years as you think back to that first date.

And just as i often feel, it was one of those perfect nights. I got off the tram a few stops earlier, wandering past the botanical gardens and tree lined winter streets and the blue fountain by the napolean exhibition, listning to those tunes in my ear, watching the world wonder past and enjoying the freshness in that cool winter air.

I meet him by the clocks and see him already there. He looks a tad nervous too, waiting their in his suit. Waiting for me. Quick peck on the cheek and we are off, our eyes catch each other occasionally. Its like we are old friends, walking without direction.

He's picked out a few of the hippest new bars and we settle into one of melbourne underground trandy tapas bars. Oysters, wine and the finest of tapas with good conversation. He inches ever so close, our eyes catch occasionally, our bodies touch every now and then. I;m laughing, he's laughing, the conversation is flowing, we both know that its working. And we get deep in conversation, deep into our feelings, our past, our hopes and fears with the kind of honesty that usually comes with time.

He sneaks in a sweet kiss as we leave and we settle in by the couch with some mulled wine, holding hands and looking deep into each others eyes. It's been one of the best dates in a long time. There are no games. It's just gentle innocent looks.

And as i hop into that cab and say goodbye, we steal yet another kiss and hug. You feel so comfortable, so close. Its like we have known each other for so long.

"See you saturday gorgeous", you whisper as i disapear into the night sky.

I've been smiling for a while now.

I'm a little scared

Once again, facebook offers to much information, i tabke subtle hints, expect him to do too much. Yet my gut wonders if there is someone else.

I know the power of positive thinking. But really if i feel it, not much i can do. I am insecure. I do wish he would send me something.

I feel like something switched after friday night. That perhaps he met someone new. Becuase he changed. Or was it me and my reaction.

I cry.

Its just me. This is me. I just need to work it out. I want him to love me. I need to accept myself first.

To the new man in my life

Excitement brims, life is wonderful, i just got off a flight and made my way home, all my issues are dispaearing, lovely people are surrounding mem, my judgement is perfect and i communicate so well.

Life is just going ncredibly well. It just is.

I sat there on that plane today and realised how happy i really was. How much i was learning. How incredible it was to be surrounded by such brillient people to learn the things i do. Life lessons to make the world a better place.

I am incredibly lucky to have the life that i have.

Sometimes i get scared

sometimes i feel like the most beautiful girl in the room and then other times i am so insecure. I have a date with a man i really like and here i am doubting myself. Is he actually interested? is he loosing interest?

He prolly is just nervous to see me, wondering how i feel. I like him. He likes me.

Lets work it out together. Excited about tomorrow. :)

So he seems like a nice guy

He likes me, i think i like him. Its one of those that start with friendship and i can see him being a man that grows on me. Someone that seems to have goodness in their heart and be effected by the injustice around them.

We are different in many ways, but its so easy to talk to him, to open up. I like that the games are just not there. There are no freakouts. Its him. Its me. We work it out and it all seems straight forward.

Part of me isn't totally there yet. I hope i look back and fall in love with him and get to that stage where there is not other man that i think about. Like i have many times before with many a man i have not felt it for.

So here's to the future and what it will bring.

On meeting a new man

Gentle, deep, genuine, straight forward, self assured

The other night

There i was out with a friend, creating some mayhem, drinking and enjoying the night. Youthful yet confident from years gone by. Stylish without that tackiness from having been there, done that and having made it.

And i wasn't even looking and suddenly he wants to buy me a drink. And my friend too. And we kiss and we hang out and we have a great conversation. And he wants to go home with me so with a final kiss i give him my number, the hint of needing to be wined and dined alongside some emotional bonding and hopped in a night saying goodbye.

Will he call? Will he not? Who knows but i love the confidence and wisdom that comes from growing old. On learning to accept and respect yourself and seeing people for who they really are. On not letting myself be taken advantage of. Of not waiting for a phone call.

I want to say hello

So there is a man i am into and he is online right now. I want to see where we can go. I think he is a good man. Perhaps a little bit shy but a nice guy all the same.

Do i make yet another move or just walk away..

working on myself

This has been a new month in my life. Fainting and ending up in emergency really made me have a deep look at my life. About growth and improvement.
My career has taken off at a million miles an hour. This is the year that my social life will catch up and my personal relationships will bolster into dreams of happiness on their own.

The month in the suburbs has been nice. Enjoyment. Being with the cat has brought companionship. I've loved the space.

Tomorrow i return to my normal life. Still quite happy. With the promise of working on myself some more.

So i signed up for an NLP course and then saw a naturopath and went back to my kinesieogist. I am seeing improvements all the time.

Life is becoming ever so much more fullfilling.

Perhaps he was just a rebound

Exactly what i needed to get over a man that played with my heart. You've played your role time and time again in making me realise i was with the wrong man.

And we are friends, we joke around, you smile, i smile, we live our lives on the surface. Your cute, you think i"m cute, we have something but nothing with too much depth. Just perfect for rebounding off.

So last week i was convinced he was it. This week i wonder about weather the lack of emotional depth is what i want in life. If he was just the medicine i needed. That rather than stuffing him around yet again, i should walk away while he is not quite there.

He was wonderful for a moment. Perhaps the future is about friendship...

Tears

I poured my heart out to you, wore it on a sleeve. You looked me in the eye and told me you were not sure. I couldn't tell if you were into me or not.

I walked away not knowing the answers, slightly hurt but glad i put myself out there regardless of the outcome. I don't feel anxious these days. Just a tad of sadness but also happiness for allowing myself to be me.

We have not been in touch all week. You send me a message and then you disapear. A little bit of hope and then nothing. I had buried you away but you stir things up. But then disapear.

Whats the point? Really?

To a month of mayhem

Because sometimes life is too straight.

So its about getting too drunk and one night stands, its about stolen kisses in a lift, its about crazy endeavours, turning our worlds upside down and meeting new ppl all round.

I will look back in two weeks time with a smile.

Sometimes the pressure of being perfect is too much. Its nice to be allowed to stuff up. Who really cares?

a little bit of indifference

I see you online. Yet i've poured my heart out and told you how i feel. You didn't necessarily recipricate.

I check up on you but you do not say hello. You are there online. You just are.

Sometimes all one can do is walk away after trying so hard. You know how i feel. I suspect the feelings are not reciprocated.

I have tears in my eyes as i think of this. But sometimes when you've given it all, you just need to walk away and say goodbye.

Maybe i mucked it up

Perhaps i pushed and pulled and got a tad drunk and over thought things when in reality he wasn't really into me all along.

Perhaps i should never of said hello. Perhaps i just missed the boat on this man.

So it was lovely while it lasted and i fell for you. But i see now your not into me. Its sad. But its another thankyou, goodtime.

I'll hold you in my heart for what we could have been. I suspect the credits will roll long before the ending. 

Sometimes i still miss you

I thought i was over you but i still think of you. I remember the fun times we had together. I remember your touch, your kiss, the way i could fall asleep in your arms. Waking up in your arms and reaching for a kiss and a hug and a squeeze of your hand.

Remember us at the movies. When you used to hold me tight. Remember walking along the ocean hand in hand. Remember playing with your dog. Remember the way you opened doors and kissed me on the forehead.

Why did you have to cheat on me? Why did you have to screw things up and be so unreliable? We had something great. If only that had of been enough for you.

Would have saved us both some regrets.

Who to love

Back in this circle again. Fondness for a man i used to love. Wonder about a man that could be. Reflecting on the man that just was.

Who is locked away in the closets of my past. Who will continue on in life and who will be in that blissful future.

Life brings us many surprises. Life is beautiful.

If you want something badly, let it go

Part of me thinks of him and wishes he would call. But another part of me is a little more partial. I recall a time not feeling anything for him. Thinking he had no depth, at least not that i had seen. Wondering if he had layers.

But then i like the stability and genuineness he represents. His straight forward ways.

It would be amazing to fall crazy in love. But then its about realising that life has many options and that making life decisions are big.

Sometimes if you really want to know, you need to put it out there and then let it go and see if it comes back to you.

The scary part is that sometimes it just takes too long to come back and by then you have moved on and no longer want it.  Only time will tell.

It comes and goes in waves

At a funny stage in life. Plenty of choice, some real moments and little bits of sadness. The anxiety is completely gone, just a acceptance and respect for myself and seeing clearly about others that fit.

The hard part is facing facts

I put myself out there and it was taking a risk. That i liked him, that i was sorry and that i was there if he wanted me.

He seemed not quite sure. But my ego is not so bruised. Its a relief to be honest and to be able to speak my mind and to know where i stand. No more feeling anxious wondering and wasting time playing games.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to direct your heart in the right direction. We had a lovely conversation. He was genuine and he wasn't running away. He wasn't jumping all over me either.

And there are consequences to the actions in my past. 

Its about accepting yourself and wanting the best for what works. Its about having the courage to face rejection and let go a little if thats whats needed.

Waiting patiently on the sidelines

We had a good chat. A real chat. We I heard him out, that he wanted to take it slow, that he never rushed into anything.

The thing is two people are needed to make it work and its early days. Its easy to get blinded by love and illusion and the idea of love and never get in real deep.

Its about me and him and if we work. And while part of me craves a man, the other part wants to make sure we are right for each other, that we can communicate and get deep.

And then there is that man i met last night that i could get deep with. The conversation where i felt i could pour my heart out.

friendships and fun times

A sleep over with good friends, waking up at an unearthly hour to volunteer in the rain, cutting timing tags off racers buy, messages with a megaphone, the rain, the cold, the madness of it all. Laughter, goodtimes, talking about boys and love.Hanging out on the couch drinking tea and pizza, sleeping bags and getting deeper and deeper into our souls and making life work.

Sometimes on days like these i can only smile. Life is beautiful. Not sure where i am going but my personal relationships are simply true, genuine and beautiful.

Unlocking the powers of communication

I had another kineseology session. I felt that the last session was so powerful that i had unlocked a protection and acceptance for the little girl of my childhood that represents all that is innocent in my life. I'm attracting the right friends and men in my life, my relationships are becoming so much more fullfilling and i feel like i am ridding my life of all this negative energy,

So yesterdays session was about communication, learning to accept and respect myself and open up to others. The past two weeks with my new man has been a tad uncomfortable. I could barely speak to him outside of the surface. I was terrified of calling him and speaking from my heart.

But another amazing session and that very afternoon was a call to him and a catch up. It went well, or as well as things could. I got to say what i needed and hear him out. I still like him but really its upto both to see if this will go somewhere.

It was still quite awkward but at least heartfelt and real. That night i had yet another deep connection with a man, talking of relationships, living life with passion, not looking back and taking risks.

Things may not work out. But i am excited about expressing my feelings and excited to let people into my life that listen, love and grow with me.

Things are going well.

Patiance grasshopper

But i have none but i am brimming. I want to speak to him, touch him, feel him. I truly do miss him. We have been in touch daily.

Lets be patient a little while. All good things take time. He knows i like him.

I'm just a little scared

I miss you. But i'm afraid to say hello. In case i come on too strong and you stop liking me.

But my heart thinks your just as nervous.

I'm so into you babe. I wish i had the communication skills to let you know.

Playing games

Your online, I'm online.

I choose not to make the first move. Silly games. Not sure why. Trying not to seem desperate. Wanting you to be crazy in love with me.

Time and patiance. All we need. All good things take time.

Lets enjoy the ride.

Crazy in love with my man

Its new i know. But i think of him all the time. Thankyou serotonin!

I think he is wonderful. He is attractive and everything i want. Right now he can do nothing wrong. I only wish i had of realised earlier that he is just a great guy.

I'm loving the reciprocal feelings. Of not playing games. Of knowing he will get in touch and make me feel special.

I can't wait to see him again. I want him to be my everything. I want me to be his everything.

Me and him - yes, we are meant to be.

He knows my world

the way we chat, staying in touch daily, getting comfortable with each other. No surprises.

Its simple. I like him. He likes me. We care about each other. I think his sci fi obsession is kind of quirky. I can't wait till friday to see him again. I can't wait to fall asleep in his arms on friday night and cuddle to saturday morning whispering in each others ears.

I am only astounded by not seeing him before, what was right in front of me.

Turning my back on a man i used to love

I look at you and wonder what i ever saw? I recall feeling in love with you and thinking you could be the man in my life forever.

I look at you now and feel no attraction. I can't stand the thought of you touching me. I listen to you and wonder why i thought you were perfect. Your rude and a little bit wierd with some odd ideals that neither go with my values or show respect to women.

I fell for you because you reminded me of my alcoholic father. Except with different problems and slightly compulsive tendencies.

I no longer wish for you to disapear. I've just stopped caring. You can stay or go. My heart flutters at the thought of another man.

The eagar anticipation of new love

What it could be? What it isn't? Is he a good person? Is my judgement right?
Did that kineseology session do me right? Am i really protecting the little girl in my heart?

Its a little bit anxious. But lovely at the same time.

A little bit flat with work

The politics have been getting to me and its one of those moments where i wonder how much value i add. I'm falling in a see of voices. Being attacked. Struggling.

Sometimes i want to crawl under a rock and cry.

I know its not too bad. I'm on a hefty salary, people think i am going places, mostly on the right side of politics for most of the part. Its just an off day and time.

I'll revive back again!

He's lovely

And we are getting into a rythm of regular contact with no games. We are friends so there is no need for awkward getting to know you questions, just seeing how his day is, day by day. Talking about geeky code runs and the ins and outs of our days.

It feels so equal. Him and I. Friends first, lovers now.  He makes me smile.

On having simple conversations that trascend time

We are just joking around, having fun. You and I and all our laughs. I think your cute. I'm flirting with you. I learnt a thing or two from the past.

I hope we can make it work with us. You make me smile. I'm falling for you. I feel that chemistry and attraction and find you to be so genuine and gorgeous.

Playing games ... or not

Its that mad rush of first romance. Of a power struggle thats not really needed and the excitement of keeping it exciting. Of being afraid to seem too desperate to wanting to let him know i am crazy about him.

Of silent unspokens in a midst of fresh romance and the potential of love. Of a friendship that's bloomed over time. Of believing in the good in his heart. On taking a risk.

On letting him know he is the man i think of and the only one.

Its fun in all its anticipation.

Sailing to new horizons

Today i've been walking on cloud nine. Sweet anticipation of seeing him again.  Feeling nice and secure but with a hint of nervousness that makes it all so exciting.

Thankyou serotonin and all those other chemicals for putting the smile on my face.

I look at him and think he's hot. Crave his touch. Yes, he's been there all along but really, whats a girl to do if her brain has only registered a good thing now. And its not too late for he is here.

In my heart of hearts i am falling for you. Can see you in my forever.  That perhaps this time my heart is getting it right.

The familiarity of knowing you a long time, the stability of everything you seem to be. Finally realising that a good man is what i want.

I'm falling for you babe. I think you know it too.

The bloom of fresh romance

Its been a long time coming now but last night we made it happen. He's cute, he's clever, he's ever so gentle. I've stuffed him around a few times but he's been there on the sidelines.

And i got my second chance.

Last night was beautiful. So was laying in his arms this morning, chilling out and getting to know him. There is that familiarity of similar endeavours. Of having studying together. Of having made it in life but still at the start of our lives.

There is also that element of equality.

I'm just smiling. Its been fun. Its been exciting. I feel that the little girl in my heart is safe and in the right hands. Life always has certain risks but this one is well worth taking.

The bloom of fresh romance. Lets see how this pans out. Butterflies for now and happiness.

five words to describe the new him

stable, gentle, clever, quietly confident, self-assured

On growing up

I recall the days of insecurity and fierce ambition. These days i am a lot calmer, able to keep my head down low, not feeling the need to prove myself.

Been a bit flat as well. Over it a bit. I had my first resignation today and i learnt a lesson in life. Perhaps it was even a good thing.

flatness all around. For not caring about the politics. For the fall apart with a man i used to love that still works with me. Sadness for my uncle who has passed away that i will never see again. Sadness for the boy i stuffed around that i have finally fallen for.

Its not a good time right now. Things are just bad.

Tears i just wom't cry.

Feeling a twang of something

Feeling a twang of something Most of the time I feel all good – that I hate you and want nothing to do with you. But honestly I am aware of where you are and who are you. I look at you and wish I still didn’t think you were kind of cute.  I try and pick holes with you.  And when I find out what your upto I’m a little upset that you dropped me and that there are no implications. That your not even upset. Because in reality, while I am thinking of another, I feel rejected. If I had not felt the neglect and the rejection I never would have gone there.  But I have. A lesson learnt. And now I’m excitied about him and value trust and honesty. Goodbye to you but you have still hurt me., 

Appreciating your own

Appreciating your own I think sometimes you need to get hurt, get hurt really badly to appreciate what’s right in front of you. To get it all out of your system and see that the perfect life was with you all long. Stop chasing pies in the sky and appreciate all that you have had all along. I look at the Lankan men I know and the way they are once they have decided to settle down. The multitude of layers to each of them and the deep intensity they want in a relationship, that craving to be part of a family and a team with a girl they can trust.  Thankyou to a dickhead I accidently fell for, for making me realise that what truly matters was right in front of me all along.

I was in love with you at one stage

I was in love with you at one stage. I thought you were too. I couldn’t get enough of you. Even when you were playing around, I still harboured a hope that I could make you see me as the only girl. I was watching your every move, aware of your comings and goings around me. Now I just don’t see to care. I don’t even want to catch your eye let alone cross your path. I find myself avoiding you completely. It’s funny how feelings change. How you start seeing reality. I think I’ve stopped caring. My attention is on another or the possibility of meeting the man of my dreams that’s closer to my heart.  I hope you leave soon, yu were going to anyway. You are frustrated as you are. The quicker you move on, the better for both of us. I don’t feel much at all for you. I could walk away completely right now and never have another conversation with you.

You have no idea

You have no idea.  You don’t seem to be doing so bad, just a warped sense of what makes a relationship.  I was true to you for a while, you were my everything. But the neglect, the dodgyness on your part, the flirting, it made me be who I am not. Who I don’t want to be. My lesson learnt could be that I should of walked away straight away, but then I think, I needed to try for my sake, eliminate all potential that it would not work. I have not lost too much time. But really there has been a third person in this all along. Everytime you did not want to see me, I had a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen and a future to discuss.  And little by little I became closer to him and further to you.  And then one day I had a t-shirt o yours and I put in on for confort and then took it off because I felt bad for him.  I stopped thinking about you and started day dreaming about him. We speak all the time now. I’m sorry for pulling you through this. I really thought we would work. And now that I know it won’t, its not so hard to walk away. Almost into the arms of my best friend who has been there all along.  Have a good life.

Sweet Revenge

Vindication You still have no idea do you? But your wondering now? Not avoiding me all the time? Walking past to get my attention are you now? Well half your luck. I’m just not interested. I don’t even want to look at you.  And there is a man I am falling for.  The start of a sweet romance. One that is true and will last a lifetime built on years of friendship and reality.  And you – keep going with whatever life you want. Just don’t drag me down with you.

Learning life lessons

Its scary to think you can place so much trust in someone and consider living with them forever and ever, only to have them break your heart. The thing is I said nothing and got over you. And now I’ve walked away. You just don’t know any of this yet. That I know that your dodgy.  I can’t believe you still think your in. That you can get away with these games you play.  You disgust me. I don’t know what I saw in you. You seem like a stranger. For a few days I wanted to help, be a friend. But I see how pointless that would be. You claimed to care and be someone your not. Yes you have problems but your true self shines through.  I have learnt my lesson. This is the last time of being burnt, going for the wrong one.  I know deep in my heart who a good person is. I’m really starting to fall for him and see a future.  Thankgod I figured this one out in time. Could have been a disaster to accidently end up together for life,

tuning off

Somedays you just want to tune off. Slightly tired after a four day break. Letting go of something old that was not working. Saying hello to something new. Reveling in options in between and being that girl that everyone wants to be with.  This time will not repeat itself again. It’s about being the best I can be. ST was a time in my life I had to really work on myself. The problems were largely him but he made me consider where I could improve and really face myself. You need to get incredibly hurt for that wake up call and start realising the implications of nature and nurture on decisions we make.  He was murky and I walked away.  And now there is another. Someone gentle and one that adorns the respect of his good friends and the friends that I value. As excitement grows I will feel once more. I can’t wait for this weekend.

Tough one

Your back after a long time. Seemingly better.  Time has passed for things to be civil. It’s a hard one. We are both mature adults. Do I protect my heart and ignore you all together. Never taking a risk on what could be, friendship or otherwise. Or do I concede that If I were thinking of a lifetime with you, that you at least deserve a coffee to explain. I’ve walked away already but there is that inkling in myself to wish for you to have turned out to be somebody else.  I would never trust you again. You betrayed me immensely in a way I would never forget. Forgiveness is easy but I would live in fear that you would do it again and again , at times when I would need you the most.  It’s a touch one. It really is.  Such a dangerous coffee.

crushing on a man

He's lovely and i have stuffed him around and now i have decided that i like him. But i'm really a pretty bad person. I wish i was not.

I hope there is a chance. He is lovely. Life is short.

Sadness

I feel sadness. Sadness for what we used to have that is no longer here. Sadness for the man I thought you were and who you turned out to be. Sadness that I am too scared of getting hurt and your nature to never trust you again, even at the hand of friendship for I’m scared of getting hurt. Sadness for the fact that I really was falling in love with you and you were not. Sadness that its hard to see you around and wishing you would leave. Sadness for never really knowing the truth and knowing I will reach a day way I probably would not care to. Sadness because right now I’m not completely over you and am still hurting even though there is no chance in hell I would want a reunion. 

Life is short and precious

I got some news today. My uncle passed away suddently, heart attacks and all. Its scary. Life is so short and precious. The tears welling up ready to roll.

Its makes you think about it all. Of growing older, of not holding grudges, of love and family and life and living and priorities and chasing pointless dreams.

I can't remember the last time i saw him. But he loved me and saw me as his own child.

Goodbye to an uncle i loved so dearly but never got a chance to show it all that well.

Two months ago

All i wanted was to hear your voice and communicate and spend a lifetime with you. I was convinced it was you and i forever in love and life. Kindness and honestly.

I was mistaken. Your feelings never true for me. Maybe mine were not either.

I feel so betrayed. It hurts that i let the little girl of my childhood inside my heart be exposed to you. That i let you trample all over me.

I find it hard to figure out if i should be happy for you, if i should be angry or if i should feel sorry for you.

Sometimes i hate you. Sometimes a little part of me still habours something special for you.

We can never be together. I don't want you. Its best to leave it alone and walk away to greener pastures.

Its hard

Your back in my life. Back from holidays seemingly doing well. You had a go at speaking to me and i have pretty much ignored you and pushed you aside.

Partially about self protection. If i don't expose myself to you, i just can't go backwards. I'm afraid of falling for you all over again and ending up with a lifetime of happiness. I feel that the best thing for me is to be rid of you.

Part of me wonders if i should act like an adult. Have a chat. Communicate. But what's the point?

And then there is the whole part about you not being well. Something not quite right in your brain. Not enough serotonin and the anti deppressants. Am i making life worse for you? Do you care? Should i care? are you purposefully deceitful?

Things with us is really hard to figure out. Emotions and mental illness and protecting ones heart.

You hurt me so much babe. I was in love with you and you were seeing other women without a care in the world. I just question your honesty which is the worst feeling in the world.

Can i believe you? Are you a good person? Are you trustworthy?

Those are what i struggle with when it comes to you.

Where are we now?

Last couple of weeks have been somewhat of a battle, and somewhat refreshing.

So battling with health a little bit. Fainting and not knowing why. Almost a broken nose and a concussion and pretty much trying to sleep it all off.

But getting back slowly with new found appreciation for the energy i have for life. A little bit jaded on love for the guy that never called and an man i used to love who wanted back in but i could not bear the thought.

I'm not quite sure where life is going right now. Things are just going well. But nothing spectacular.

I crave to fall in love with a nice guy.

Why?

Why go to all the effort of asking me out only to ignore me once you got my number? What was the point of it all? Another ending before it even began, goodbye to you, the man who I never got to know.

You are somebody else's problem

From today onwards, i am out. I have found another. I have found that passion back in my life. I don't think of a what could of been with you. I never really knew you. You were somebody else. And now you could belong to another. My mind and heart walk away where once it was just my words. I am excited about another man. One that i may share a lifetime of happiness with. Who knows? Its just brunch at this moment but he makes me smile when i think of him. I get excited by the thought of him. Anticipation of what will be. These are the best times of our lives. I really do hope the best for you. You and your lifestyle. I look to you and feel pity. I see the craving for true love in your eyes but something in you, stops a little short of going all the way. Everyone has their demons and their dreams and wants and hopes. I hope you find what makes you happy in life. Goodbye to you.

A surprise from left field

So the last person i was expecting asked me out on a date. And it came from far left field that i didn't know hot ot respond. But he's growing on me over the last few days. A genuine nice guy and my heart looks towards him. The healing, the growth of the last few months and getting hurt a few too many times is making way for good judgement. Looking reality in the eye and wanting to love again. So five words to describe the new him. Genuine, deep, stable, perceptive, driven

Trying Reiki

I felt crummy going in, not really knowing what it was and hoping for some healing. I felt crummy afterwards. But they say that it stirs up the blockages in you, brings them to the surface and clears you away rather than surpressing all that does not work in your life. Temporary madness for a better world. So starting to feel lots better. Healthier. All up. Clarity returning.

Two men, a open heart, which way to go?

And there really is two men on my mind. Each offering a potential lifetime of happiness. Getting older, making the right choices while they still exist are just paramount. So one a stable, reliable man but a white man, who i find ever so attractive. The other, my best friend, of my own culture, who's been there when i needed him and we share so many similar life goals. Choices, choices. Life is good - which way to go.

5 words

reliable, honest, fit, genuine, stable

A new man on the scene

I've been single a little while but with plenty of options. There is a man that's been there a while that i have not paid much attention to. One thats been pretty nice. The other night on the dancefloor i felt something. He's hot. Lifestyles we fit. He is not lankan. But is that what i really want. Culture is important. But then its not like i lead a lankan lifestyle. Could it work? Well i am excited.

Perhaps i wrote off white men for the wrong reason

It was just a combination of bad luck and self sabotage and not dealing with the implications of having and alcoholic father and the impact that has on choosing a life partner. But i am sorting myself out these days. Seeing reality for what it is. And maybe i thought i wanted a white man because i couldn't quiet figure out what went wrong with D. But the thing is, he was on anti depressents, he lacked serotonin and he had a knack for compulsive behaiviour and promiscuity. He had a mental illness. So i think i just need to be open. If i were to look at my lifestyle , its that blend of west and east. I could go either way perhaps. And there is a man that i've always felt good about. Perhaps we are meant to be.

Feeling betrayed

Or am i just too late. So i thought a man was crazy with me. But the thing is i have for years and i have thrown his feelings away. And now, i wait on the side lines waiting for a call. But he does not call. He can. Something tells me its not quite right. Perhaps i have missed the boat for something wonderful while i was fooling around with a man that betrayed me anyways. Perhaps this is a lesson to be learnt. To cherish those closest to us as gold and new friends as silver and that it counts for men too. I'm over the man of yesterday. I am falling for the man of tomorrow who has been my best friend all along. Yet, i may be too late for once. I may have missed the boat just as i start falling in love.

Preparing for battle

Today i was preparing for battel. Hair in a moderate pony tail, an invincible belt around my waist with a AK 47, ready to pounce and fight. Works a bit crazy. Sometimes i feel like crying. There are some people that are just so aggressive. Sometimes i wonder if i am cut out for this. But really, this is what i get paid the big bucks for. I get paid well, but the jobs a tough gig. And working with an ex isn't easy but its even harder when he helps you out so you don't get further in. When it looks like he is on your side.

Preparing for battle

Works always going well but in the middle of success you encounter somewhat difficult personalities. But i feel calmer, finding strategies for dealing with them calmly and maturely. I feel better prepared, yes slightly elated and nervous. This is what i get paid the big bucks for really. In the middle of it is an ex boyfriend who is not quite performing, and yes while we were together i overlooked his misdeamours, but now i guess i don't need to. It's about fixing it all now. People have trust in me. Now i just need to deliver.

A lesson to be learnt

Don't give your heart to a man that is not ready to receive it and protect it. For the little girl of your innocence is given away too. Always take care of her. Take her everywhere. And when you meet the man that you can trust that little innocent girl with. Then you know you can fall in love. For he needs to look after you children and cherish you forever and protect the little girl within. I am close to finding that man. And seeing the patterns of sabotage and self harm that existed before.

I can't wait for you to come home

Your somewhere on site. I miss you. But you tell me everything. A cyclone has passed through. You have no electricity or reception. I can't wait for our moment. Finally falling for a man that i have been in love with all along, i just didn't realise it. The guy i've always trusted and shared my deepest feelings with. Butterflies as i wait.

Lankan men have so much depth and layers to them

Its about that deep sense of patriotism and finding comfort with a man of your own race. Its about the layers of depth, emotion and family values that no white man could even comprehend. Its about thinking and looking at him and craving his brown skin. Its about admiring the way he treats his mother and the way he will be by your side forever. Its about the way you can take him home to your parents every week. Its about being able to visit his parents and sister when he is out of town. Its about him accepting your successful career because your child with him will be the brightest ever because he loves your intelligence. Its about facing life as a unit. He wants it. You want it. Its about the attraction and animal lust and knowing that the world is your oyster and that you will make decisions together and eventually take over the world. Lankan men - only the best. It just took me a while to realise. That is all.

Disgusted by you

You had the nerve to send such a self absorbed mail. Your sense of reality on the definition of infidelity is somewhat warped. I looked at the little girl in my heart. I felt nothing for you after that. Your represent a life of abuse and unhappiness. And for the first time in my life i feel that it is not acceptable. I want a man that wants to look after me and make me happy and see me as his equal. I crave to be in a loving, trusting, accepting relationship. I'm not sure what i saw in you. I struggled to find you attractive but as i got caught in your web, you apealed to the old side of me that loved to sabotage my own life. Appealed to that side of me that reminded me of an alcoholic father and only ever knowing how to be treated like shit and still to say. But I've gotten over that now. And over you. Good luck to you in your self absorbed world. I'm out.

Protecting the little girl within

Its that childhood innocence that reaches out to our heart of hearts. But its really the little me i am thinking of. That little girl that was a little helpless, did not understand the ways of the world and relied on her parents and those around her to be a good person. A little girl that felt the pain of love misguided. But that little girl is in my heart now. A little part of me. She has always been. I just had not realised it yet. And now that i am older, and that i am wiser and can stand up for myself, i owe it to her to protect her through life and take me everywhere. To be with the right men and walk away when i have been wronged. She deserves to be protected, hugged and loved. Its like looking at the world a new. Let there be light and love.

It was a combination of sabotage and falling for the wrong man

You were always domineering, without compassion and thinking of only yourself. You seemed like you care but it was all about maintaining your image, you never really bothered to get to know me or drill deep into anything that made me need a hug. It was all about you. So yes, i choose the wrong man. One that would abuse me but i stayed. And then there was the self sabotage. Doing stupid things because i felt neglected. The flirting in front of him, trying to make him jealous, trying to make him love me. I thought i had sorted this out in my head. I had not. It was all so stuffed. Today i said my goodbyes.

kineseology

A friend had been raving about it for a while. And life wasn't great but it wasn't bad either. I saw a sign and thought, if she's free i'll give it a go. Looking for clarity. Looking for answers. Why do i say nothing and stay with a man that treats me like crap, hoping he will come around and accept me and love me. Familiar story, well yes. My mum did the same and is still doing the same, staying with my alcoholic father. Its patterns in life we learn from childhood. Recognizing is the first step i guess. Choosing our partners, choosing our relationships, the way we behave. So the session was successful. It was based around resolving the root of the problems rather than finding strategies for the symptoms. I'm still not quite sure what we did but i emerged with a renewed sense of self and acceptance. I wanted to protect the little girl of my childhood, hold her in my arms and tell her its ok and take her everywhere. I loved myself for the first time in ages. Like really loved myself. I saw some poisonous relationships for what they were and were ready to walk away. I made my peace and gave myself the closure i needed. And as i smiled at the world, with the little girl of my childhood safely in my heart, the world smiled back. I met many a man that seemed so nice and stable. And i didn't get nervous. I was just me. And i didn't drink too much. And i didn't stay too long. I didn't panic about losing something amazing or missing out. It was a great session. I feel renewed. I feel loved and love for myself.

The world is my oyster

With the sun shining, the grand prix at my doorstep, lovely friends and family, single and carefree, a bottomless bank account, a career thats steaming ahead and bits of first world problems, life is pretty good. I'm free. I'm single. Life can be anything i want it to be. I wake each morning to ocean views.

Struggling - a bit

Today he looked good. He was dressed up and on top of his game. Maybe he is better with the possibility of a relationship down the drain. We both are hurt. I don't really know how he feels. Is he hurt? Is he a narcisist? Two very different things but i don't know him at all. Really. Do i just let it go, let him feel good whatever way he can. And there is a man i day dream about. I can't wait for his return to home. I'm looking forward to a night we have both been waiting for a long time. Perhaps it should have been him and I a long time ago. For all that i am upset by a man who turned out to be a pathological liar, i need to thank him for making me appreciate the wonderful man right in front of me all along. I accidently fell for him so he could break my heart and realise that strangers do not fill the gap for years of friendship. And yes its hard. Breakups always are. After all you are the first and only guy i ever introduced to my parents. But really, you didn't really know me did you? Sometimes i hate you? Other times i love you and wish we could spend forever together and that you would give me a convincingly good reason for your infidelity and why you would never do it again. Part of me still loves you. Craves you. Misses you. But reality is what it is. I have my options. You are dodgy and sleazy and have no concept of faithfullness. Thank you goodbye. Hello to another.

I think i dodged a bullet

He was somkebody else or he has problems. Narcistic in a lot of ways. Not once did he really think to walk in anyone else's shoes. It was always me being the nice accomodaing girl. I really really dodged a bullet. A lifetime with him would have been a disaster.

Sometimes i wish he would disapear from my life

Its hard to see him all the time. Most of the time i am over it, but seeing him and knowing how intimate we have been, its hard not to have feelings for him as i see him all the time. Hard to not be aware of him. Hard to stop wandering what really went through his head to say all these things and then act like a dodgy sleazebag behind my back. It just slows down the process. If i were to never see him again, i would just slowly forget about him. I would put it down to that time i accidently fell in love with a white man.

Here is hoping i'm not too late

He's always wanted me. And i have sort of but have been chasing fruitless endeavours along the way. He is wonderful. Here is hoping that i am not too late and that we will be forever. Our lives match just perfectly. Culture, values, family, life goals. It couldn't be any better. I love you K. I'm sorry i didn't realise this sooner. I just needed to get a lot of stuff out of my system. I am all yours now.

The summer of love

This was the summer of love and it's fast approaching it's end as winter dawns. We kicked it off with good friends and good times, drinking to the cricket, to falling in love, to enjoying life, to entering a new stage of our lifes and to friendships, may they blossom and grow for ever and ever. And as winter dawns we look back. The cricket has ended but with it has come a sense of belonging and patrotism for who i am and where i belong in the world. Lankan pride at its best and an appreciation of everything Lanka can offer. It was a summer of dating a white man and learning that it could never work. It was about learning about anti depressents and dating a man with a mental illness and dealing with his infidelity and insecuities. And then it was learning to walk away. It was about realising that a white man is not for me. I can see forever with a man of my own culture. It was about letting an old friendship bloom, talking about the ways of the world and our future. It was about the makings of starting something beautiful. And it was about growing friendhsips for yet another year and realising that friends are forever.

Perhaps I introduced the third person

I've been angry at him all along. But perhaps it was partially me. There was a third person in our relationship, and it was the man that kept calling and listened while you were too busy for me. He was one that i have known for a lifetime. He took me out to dinner, told me time was precious and had deep conversation about life, love, culture, bringing up kids and much much more. We speak all the time these days. He was always there when i was upset. A shoulder to cry on. But then he became a little more than a friend. A little bit of a day dream. I told him we were over. He was like great and then retracted. I told him i felt better and relieved to have called it off. Your right to stray off at this moment in time. There is another in my life. Nothing happening yet but its blooming. I think i had to be with you to appreciate a good man. To appreciate him. To put me off white men forever and appreciate my own. The cricket helps that tad much more. United in our patriotism for where we come from. Proud and Lankan, together we stand.

Of being proud of my own

Maybe being with a white man was never meant to be. I watch the cricket and feel an affinity for my world. For my Lanka and the men that come with it. Its about being proud of who you are. Sticking to what you know and appreciating the multitude of layers that come from a brown man. I've become who i have because of where i come from. And together with a man, we will become a team and continue to shine. And goodbye to the dry toast, the infidelity and dodgyness of it all. Hello to sucess, honesty, family and trust.

Thankyou, goodbye

And its over, just like that. This time there are no regrets. I gave this all i had. I trusted, i worked on myself and i let him in to my life. I reached out and i fell in love. Yes i got trampled all over but i was capable of loving again. And this time i found something that does not work and i walked away. I said goodbye to him. And i really am not looking back. He's not worth the friendship even. And I come out appreciating more of my own culture, knowing how important communication is and how fundamental to a relationship being able to talk to each other are. Perhaps many years ago i made the right decision in letting him go. In haste i fell for him to make myself feel better when another man in my life was treating me like shit. Was this an extended rebound. I just need to be careful not to jump straight in this time. Yes there is a man on my mind. Take my time and let love build.

Time to move forwards without looking back

This is just something that got messier and messier. And it was really the lack of communication. I've never been able to express my feelings, he's never really been there when i've been upset. I've felt neglected all along. And a best friend has been there when i needed a chat and a shoulder to cry on. He waited patiently while i did silly things. I hope i don't lose his heart. A man so trustworthy and lovely. One who's actions follow his words. One who calls me. One who cares about me. One who i can't get wrong because we have been friends for so long. Why have i been blind all this time.

Who cares what he thinks?

He's out of my life. I don't really care. Its all a big waste. I've learnt a lot about myself. I've grown out of this. I've come to appreciate my own. And the men that appreciate me. Sometimes the men are right in front of you. The real good ones that have been there all along.

I was scared of leaving you

Mainly because i am thirty and i thought perhaps i would never meet anyone else that would want to marry me again. This is the first time anyone has ever introduced me to their family and vice versa. You also let me into your friends, your friendship circles. I don't understand at all why you act the way you do and about all this infidelity. You say one thing but mean another. Babe - Last week i was in love with you. I would of stayed. I'll never really know what went through your head. What possessed you to cut me out of that picture? I'll always wonder if its just you or an illness. Today i asked you something work related. You looked slightly elated. There was no love in our eyes. I was platonic and flat, you told me what you needed to know. It was like you were a stranger.

Tomorrow will be a big day

So work is back in full blast but we have yet another work function and he will be there but so will all there is to him and I. I've walked away already in my head. He's slowly fading away. Soon he will not even leave a mark. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

What happened to the man i fell for

Another day has ended. He sets a mere few meters away but not a word to me. Its funny, how you can fall for someone and they walk away without even a glance and don’t even bother to say goodbye. The immaturity astounds me. Is it mental illness, is it mere immaturity? Surely people can’t behave this way on purpose. I’m sad for what I fell for, that its come to this. I’m ready to move on. How to tell him.

The exhileration of success or something else

Yes i loved sitting by the beach for a week, but today at work was fun and thrilling and amazing. Even with an impending breakup. I couldn't stop beaming. Was it being back at work in my element or was it something else? With that something else being the possibility of a new lover and the realisation of the type of man that would make life work. So tonight i jumped on a 11PM call to discuss business strategy. The thing is, i added value. Back in the day i remember hoping to sit on these things, now i'm just needed. I love it, it makes me happy. And with the man i accidently fell for. Part of me is sorry for ever going for him and mucking up his life temporarily. In the end its culture that made me walk away, not so much the illness. Everyone can get ill at any stage, and i believe one can work with it. But fundamentally, the strength of family and relationships and what it takes to be a man just isn't there. There are some beautiful things about my culture, including the depth of the men. I need to wash away my childhood and believe in the good around me. If i could find a man like my grandpa with the best of hearts and souls, my life would be bliss. They being the role models to my relationships, i see where i have gone wrong. I have not searched for the love i crave, i have searched for nothing like it. There is a man i am falling for. When i gave him a call tonight i was nervous. I sent him an email today. Now i'm wondering if i am contacting him too much. This is a good sign. Its a sign that i may be falling for him. I just feel incredibly happy and a weight lifted. I have to just be honest with myself that i've spend the last four months on edge and pretty unhappy. Walking on eggshells. What i feel is relief. Now to let him down gently. When there is no anger left in you and you still care even after crummy things, thats when you know your over it. I could see him with another women. I want him to meet someone else and be happy. I hope he finds his happiness.

Just the other day i thought we were forever

I kept excusing your behaiviour. Even when i found out about the other women and your wandering eye, i thought perhaps i had screwed up. The thing is i didn't. You have a problem. And yes late into our relationship i did start flirting around, perhaps to try and make you jealous. I blamed myself for my actions and kept telling myself you were retaliating. I'm not sure if its because your dodgy or because of this illness that you have. Either way though, something in my mind has clicked. I can't see you in my future no more. I'm not sure if i would even want to kiss you or touch you. Your starting to fade in my world. Your facebook with your multitude of women and your online profile makes it all the easier. Part of me is sad. I can see your suffering and that something is wrong. No one in their right mind would act the way you do. Walking around the office avoiding me on purpose. Its immature at best. But i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. There's is something not quite right. You seem not well. You seem alarmed. Its hurts to walk away because despiting you fading in my mind, i still care about you. I want to be a friend and help you through this if you want my help. My heart is moving on though. Thankyou, goodbye.

Mental Illness - Scary stuff

Mental illness, it’s a scary thing. Do you separate the illness from the person? Wonder what’s going on? If they are really just being mean and dodgy or is it some chemical imbalance in the brain. It’s getting worse. This is odd behaviour. And while I hate to admit it, its putting me off him. I’ve decided to leave for other reasons. This incredibly odd and immature behaviour however makes walking away pretty easy. I’m not sure the attraction I felt which was so intense is even there anymore. Truth be told, I don’t really know him. Heck I can’t even get onto him to have a conversation so we can break up. Or perhaps that’s what he’s worried about. That our next conversation will be just that. But all these women. Some might fall but somehow I just don’t think it will go anywhere. I was incredibly patient. I’m just not sure others will be.

Every one has their own story

And he goes down as the man on anti depressants. Mental illness - scary stuff. But explains why he is still single.

The man thats been there all along

So i called him up and poured my heart out. Had the deepest conversation. And it was built on years of friendship. We share the same views on life, the same passion for finding a significant other that you can conquer the world with, we can share our fears and dreams and have conversations that transcend time. I'm not scared to be me with him. The real me. The one who is slightly insecure but still is so positive. He's been there all along and i've been too blind to notice. I somehow don't think its too late.

The past two weeks have been a little difficult

But as much as i hate the anxiousness and what i know now, I think i needed to go through it. This time it was for a real reason so there wasn't any point in talking myself out of it. Thinking that there wasn't anything to be anxious about. It was a neccessary evil to see reality. That anti depressents are scary, that he might one day push me away in ten years time when things get tough and most importantly, he is cheating on me. You can't excuse everything on a sickness. Perhaps he is just dodgy.

closer to home

There is a man that has always like me. One that has been there all along. On the sidelines asking why we never got together. He said to me the other day that time is precious. We speak all the time. I'm closer to him than most people. He fits in well with my family, we share the same culture and he would be the man i need when times are tough. He's seen me at my worst and also at my best. He knows how brilliant i am, yet knows all about my insecurities. One that i can talk to hours with about true feelings and he does not judge. Sometimes the simplest options are right in front of us and we search for drama in the world, never to be happy. With my man right now, he is chatting up women on an online dating site. Its not the anti depressants. He's just dodgy. Its not about sticking around because you can't leave someone after they tell you that. Its leaving becuase some behaiviour can't be excused. Twice. I'll let some other women have him. Perhaps this is why he is single after all this time.

If i was six months pregnant would i want him to be my man?

And the answer is no. He's proven i can't trust him. He's pushed me away and is dating others. Thankyou, goodbye. Its as simple as that.

i think i am ready to say goodbye

Its taken a while. But at some stage you realise that the man your in love with just does not feel the same. When he takes a pic of you and cuts your out, what more is there to say? goodluck to him with other women i say. I'm out. I want faithful and loyalty. You are just a cheater.

I'm thinking about a man thats closer to home

I've known him for a long time. I also think i am his dream girl, but for real. He knows my culture, he wants a lifestyle that fits, he craves for me.

He's seen me at my worst and still has feelings for me. He's seen me at my best and isn't intimidated.

Isn't this what true love is about? It took us a while to get there but we are here now.  I can be honest with him. He is not scared of unconditional love and family.  I can talk to him about anything.

I went for a man thats not so right for me. Hoping to live fairytales in my mind.

But in reality he is seeing other women. His words are all that they are.

Yet there is a man that just works culturally. One i could have a future with.

Decisions, decisions.

Second chances

He gets one without asking. This is for spending the next month loving him unconditionally. This is for giving this everything i have.  This is for trying my best before walking away because i have not been honest and i have not made life all that easy for him.

Its because he tried so hard the other weekend and i could see he was tired and i could see the effect of the medicine on him and its because deep down i love him and know that in the way he squeezes my hand that he loves me too.

The next few days i just need to back off. See what happens when back at work. Be incredibly nice to him until he comes back once more.

Love him unconditionally because i care and because i can see that he is the man thats meant for me.

Just for a month and see where we are at and hope for the best.

A month does not take any time from thirty years. Other men will still be there. Life will still be fabulous.

I've found a reason to drop him

The thing is, there was a man i once loved. Sometimes i think i still do. I let him break me once. But a second time - that is my fault.

Perhaps i should not of thrown caution to the wind. Perhaps i should have waited to trust him.

That photo of him and i. He cut me out and put it on a dating site. Is there no better goodbye that that? Why would i even stick around. Trust destroyed in a second.

And there is many a man who i have tole of him, who is the love of my life. Maybe they will be interested.

The man that thinks out lives will be perfect together because we are just a fit. The man that craves for me because i'm someone new that he met and

Its scary

So i created a profile as someone else and got talking to him. He's already asked me out for coffee. Thanks Babe - so much for the talk of marriage and all that. No wonder valentines was so drab. Was it with somebody else. Screw you.

All in or nothing at all

Sometimes living your life in the sidelines, playing games and waiting for a knight in shining armour is fruitless. I've been one foot in and one foot out lately.  I know he has a problem. I know i want to be there for him. I know i want to tell him i love him. Yet my actions and his are of two people playing games. The way he holds me, the way he confides in me, it can't be a lie. It just can't.

But then i need to stop these games. Yes he has a profile but so have i, i just hide it better and i play games on facebook with him and flirt with other men to get his attention.

If its neglect i'm feeling, i should just walk away rather than play silly games in a hope he will get jealous and come running back.

Four months is early days. Perhaps we need to be friends for a little while first and see how we go.

Part of me is also scared for the future. That i'm getting older and that time is running out to meet the man of my dreams. I'm scared of wasting time with him. The hardest bit is not knowing if i'm in or out. If he were to turn around and break it off, it would not be a bad thing. A relief really. But everytime i ask he talks of marriage and going off the meds and never playing games with me. Yet he's not exactly honest.

But is this human nature. I kissed a man a saturday night ago, i haven't let a old flame i'm taken, i flirt with other men for attention and a few wednesdays ago i let a man take me out on a date. I'm not exactly in am i?

So do i have a leg to stand on because he is online and speaking to others? Can i blast him for putting a picture up and cutting me out of it? The same picture i looked at to feel less anxious.

Last night was bad. The anxiety came back. But this time i couldn't use the technique from the councillor. Mainly because i had reason to feel anxious. But then it was a reminder of what he must be feeling. This morning though the walk along the beach helped. The fresh air and my tunes in my ears. I have been struggling.

I think its time to walk away

I've found an online profile of him. And it had a picture of him and me but with me cut out.

I think thats the sign to walk away.

Thankyou, goodbye

sometimes i just want to crawl up in a little ball and cry

I hate this. Perhaps i need to say goodbye. Perhaps not.

Is it the tablets. Is it him? His words are so sweet. But then he is not who he made himself out to be.

And i've found a reason not to trust him

But really i went looking. And i'm not even sure if its real. Oh whats going on.

The lack of communication is an issue. I'm not sure i can do this anymore.

I want to. I wish i could. Its hard.

And its a trust thing. And how much of it is the tablets. How much of it is me.

The world is my oyster, but do i really want it?

So yesterday i was looking at B-school apps. I have a chance to get in. I was looking at the campus, the curriculum, where i want to go in the world. I could feel a certain thirst for knowledge and feel the euporia of being able to dedicate myself to studying full time again. I craved it.

The easiest way would be to do it part time in my home city. One of the best in the country, world class but somehow still in my reach so easily that it would feel like i was settling.

But then really, how much does it matter. I don't need it for career progression. I want the status and the prestige, but really i want to study with the best and be surrounded by brillient minds.

Then i think of my life. My family, my boyfriend, my friends. Do i really want to take a year out of a life that i have worked hard to build? Have i not travelled enough in my twenties to satiate that craving.

And then two logistics. Not having a significant salary. What to do with my furniture. How do i go from a bachlerette pad with ocean views to student accomodation and no salary?

Sounds of the ocean with the wind blowing through my hair

And i'm back on the deck overlookingthe waves on this overcast day in paradise. A hike to a secret beach in thongs, scrabling through rocks, leaches and an impromptu visit to a chocolate factory. First world problems at it's best.

Sometimes i love this blog because it is anonymous. Its where i get to brain dump all that is going in, in my mind. To say i haven't been sad and upset and a tad anxious about not hearing from my man would be a lie. He is in my thoughts constantly and lingering in the shadows, wondering why he doesn't call.

I know depression and anxiety are big, I know its the medicine pushing him away, i know everytime we speak he is wonderful and i have no reason to think there is anything wrong with us. I know its his problem and not mine and that i need to stop taking it personally.

He retreated after valantines day when i was disapointed at him. I haven't heard from him at all. I'm struggling.

But then i think back to the days of no men in my life. It was always a downer, not having someone to trust and share your life with. But now there is a man i am falling in love with that is reciprocating it back the best he can. Possibly even better than any man has in the past. One that can see a future with me by his side.

Everyone has their demons. Here i am fighting an illness and some medicine for he has a heart of gold. Not in one instance has he done the wrong thing by me. The hardest thing is dealing with my own insecurities and sticking through.

Sometimes its tempting to run. To wish he would do something that would make me walk. Living ten feet above the ground is easier. Does not require understanding and compormise. No relationship is easy and the best ones are the ones that get through time.

Sometimes i think with my stand offs i am playing games of resentment. It true i feel neglected. Its true i crave to run away into the arms of a more frivolous man that will fall for me for a moment before disapearing into the night.

Life is complicated. Its happy. Its sad. Its about good friends.

If only i could shake this off and just be happy for a moment. Not think of him when he has pushed me away. I will stick it out for a few months. In four months time i want to mark this day and see how i feel.

Will it turn around or will i seep deeper and deeper into un happiness. Sometimes one needs to time tag these things. While its great to be patient, sometimes one cannot throw away a life so easily.

I hope we work. I think he is a great man.

Lazing around by the ocean

I'm sitting on the sun chaires on our balcony deck, the ocean breeze in my hair and the sounds of waves crashing onto the shore in the air. Tunes from musix Max sneaking in from inside. Good friends, good times. Nothing to do.

Went for a jog along the ocean this morning an wandered back along the shore, letting my feet catch the waves and watching the world go by. Sometimes this is bliss. What holidays are all about.

A bit of time out from the pressures of life. Saying goodbye to all that doesn't work. Coming back refreshed and better than ever.

Its about calling those friends i haven't had a chance to chat to in a while. Its about talking shit and about life with good friends from long ago andrealising that i have barely let the friendships thrive in the complexity and hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Its about relaxing by the beach and just not worrying!

On just enjoying my chill out time

I've run off for a sea change for just a a week with some good friends from a lifetime ago. I love it. A beach house, the ocean, the water, the luxuries in life thrown in with the thrill of an early morning jog.

The ability to chill and just do nothing and love it all the same.

Its been a perfect few days. Time out from a life that moves way too fast. I'm sitting here, with the ocean whispering in my ears while i listen to some cheesy country tunes and type up this blog while the others sleep.

Its about friendships and keeping them alive. Its about giving my man his space. Its about experiencing true love. With all its adventures, moments of ecstatic happiness and learning to accept your lover for who they truly are, the good and the bad, and revealing your true self to the man you love and being vulnerable to rejection.

Its about not playing silly games and just giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight i miss him. Most nights i miss him. But i think he is going through a lot. I love him to be patient. He still makes me feel like i am the centre of his life, the only girl that matters.

And in the meantime while i wait i will have a fabulous time. I have one of the best lives ever. Things just could not get better.

On not playing games

What is the point anymore. If one has met the man of their dreams and wants to make it work and he has provided no reason not to give him the benefit of the doubt, why play all these games.

The hardest thing is admitting to yourself that you have fallen hard for a man. Tp let yourself be vulnerable.

The thing is, i am in a relationship. He is my man. I do trust him.

I should stop myself from communicating with him. He is different to every man i have ever dated.

I think we are just right for each other. We work.

Taking time out

So i've got a week chilling by the beach with some close friends from an old place we used to work in. Seven days of bliss.

Sometimes living in oz, you forget that some of the worlds best beaches is a mere stones throw away. It's that stage in life where one can afford to throw a couple of grand for a week by the beachside and not even eat into savings.

So we have a massive beach house across from the ocean and a beautiful lake known for its tea tree oil and calming effects. Its relaxing, its fun, its what i need.

And the friends, I worked with them once. It was a long time ago and i started my first ever graduate job with them. Since then we have all moved on. But the friendship remains.

So i sit around in our luxury beachhouse, enjoying the peace and the moments.

My man on the other hand is another thing. I love him lots but wonder what he's upto. In some ways i feel so close to him. In other ways i wonder if we are together at all.







Deep down he is everything i want. Will we work out? who knows?

A strange sense of comfort

Who would have thought taking a week off work to study would be so rewarding and enriching. Something so basic like english and math can bring so much happieness. I've been enjoying wandering through the halls of university where i once spent another lifetime in.

I sat in that familiar table, overlooking university square. Except this time round i am a more accomplished, more focused, more confident self. Except this time around its just me. My friends have long left this place and there is no boyfriend to share those study moments with. This time i went straight to the underground carpark rather than scrounging around for cheap parking and moving cars.

Its been a brillient few days. I've loved exercising my brain. Its been nice to spend time on my own. Its been nice to get away from the alcohol riddled corporate world.

To B school or not

So tomorrow is my exam. I have had a nice time taking a week off work to study. Doing maths and english and being locked away in a library all on your own can be lovely sometimes. I've been living in my own little world.

Back when i was at uni, i knew those days would be the best days of my life. And i took advantage of it.

This latest test, studying for it has been enjoyable. Jogging my brain and rediscovering a thirst for kmowledge.

This week i have been thinking too. Perhaps B-school is not for me. This test is really just a rite of passage i had to do before settling for something a little less.

The tide is changing and i no longer crave to be a CEO or be the best in the world. I don't want to disrupt my life for a year at Harvard or Yale.

And settling really isn't settling. It's the best australia and asia have to offer.

Life is sometimes about shades of perfection. My life just couldn't get better.

Shades of grey

Hanging out at that backpacker joint once more, clutching onto the morsels of anonymity which affords me there. I fit right in with my journal, glass of vino and pizza. And i look ten years younger than i am.

So they were chatting me up. I was honest and being me, something that comes with age. That ability to laugh at yourself, say exactly whats on your mind and be brimming with that exclusive touch of confidence that can be ever so sexy.  Its about being comfortable in your own skin.

A few too many drinks later, i yanked myself away. Does one steal a quick kiss, give out a number, never return a phonecall. It could have been a moment.

And somewhere else my man is going through a lot. He does not want me close. But want me he does. And i too crave for him.

Losing oneself in this make believe world, i'm not sure if i should continue on my escapes. Is it time to say goodbye?

Thinking things through

There is something to be said about the wander along a sunday market as well as the spirituality of seeing my tarot reader aka clinical psychologist under the staires. Sometimes a trusted source and someone to talk thing through with is all i need.

Understanding what he's going through, the science behind his medicine and the ins and outs of depression and anxiety.

I'm here to stay and i feel a tad more informed in being with him. How to draw him close and enjoy each others company.

I need to be in or out

And tonight i think i have decided that i am in. I love him really, and there are so many wonderful things about him. He has ticked the boxes that no other man has and made me feel ever so special.

While his anxiety isn't easy, it must be a hundread times worse for him. But he is open and honest, trusting me with everything.

I just need to have my own life and be by his side. Let him initiate things at his own pace and just be there. I am strong. Often i just need to know that, there is no other for him but me. And he had made that clear time and time again.

Patience, love and care.

For him and i, we can be powerful together. We can work through this.

There are too many wonderfuls about him to let him go. He is definitely a keeper.

Why is love so complicated

I know he's on these tablets and that he has a problem. He seems so genuine when i finally speak to him. But really, i can't keep feeling like this.

Is this what next year will bring, and the next.

It was a pretty bitchy comment i sent to him. This is the most disapointing valentines day i've ever had.

Straight to the ego heh - no wonder he has withdrawn. But this is him too. Ignoring me.

Would it kill him to pick up the phone and call.