Which way does the wind blow

I know one day i will miss these moments when he is so patient and kind. But at the end of the day i am not getting what i want from him.  Is it a matter of being patient and kind. Is this different to other times where i have picked fights. Am i really not getting what i want? Why am i craving for another man that i have not yet met.

I'm not wishing he was here. That magic is gone. Will it come back immediately? Will life work out for us.

I think time will tell. Its about having a go and having an open mind but standing by my needs as well. I can't keep this up for too long.

There are things i want from life and i know i am being impatient. He is a good looking boy who is fun to be with. Is he the guy to settle down with though? Will he ever. There is many a man i could settle down with.  Somebody ready to commit and ready for the next stage in their life.

Chasing fairy tales has gone on for long enough. Were we a holiday romance that dragged on too long during the course of a year off to study. Real life is setting in and our differences show.

He sends me beautiful messages. Buys me flowers. Drowns me with gifts and attention. Yet he has betrayed me also. He talks shit about me to his sister and his friends. A man i loved and trusted and wanted so much to be that couple with. He's lost my trust. All relationships lose their trust.

I dream of a man that will be by my side and stand up for me no matter what. I hope he can be that man.

Crying my eyes out

I'm still here in a wolrd thats mine but not mine at the same time. Another night where i just can't sleep. I'm in a relationship but not happy with it anymore.

Is it something wrong with me or is it the relationship.

What to do.

Once upon a time

All the things i love about him :

1. He is sweet and gentle

2. He is always reachable

3. He is always there when i need him

4. He tries his best to make my day special

5. He can't live without me

6. He craves my attention

7. Not a thing happens without him sharing the details with me

8. He cares about family and society and keeping the peace and calm

9. He has a great relationship with his family

10. He loves me

All the good things about him moving out:

1. Its doing the right thing

2. In the long run both sets of parents will be happy

3. I can travel and spend time alone as much as i want

4. I have more time to call friends and do my own thing when i feel like it

5. The time we spend together will be because we want to

6. we'll have a place to crash in the city

7. I can enjoy the life of freedom for a bit more time

8. It will give him space to miss me

All the things this will enable me to do:

1. Make more friends. C and S

2. Travel adhoc more. B and S

3. Wash my hair alone on some night

4. Enjoy the occasional night at banf

5. Dinner parties: G&N, S&D

6. Sunday sessions at my place, VDBMALS

7. Have my parents around more

8. Catch up with my sister alone

9. study and make new friends

All up there are good things in this. My feelings are out of some past hurt. This will work. He is sweet. I love him to bits.

A changing of the tide

A few days alone in a place that used to be home and visiting family and getting to know my roots and I am not so sure of him. Yes i love him, but i see a young boy finding his way in life. If he were to ask me to marry him tomorrow i would say yes because thats what i truly deeply want. But its these games we play and the life we lead and the things we do that do not lead to what we want that i can't quite deal with.

At the moment i have a boy i love. A few years ago i would have killed for a man that treated me so well. But now i want to settle down and the allure of these arranged marriages seem to grow stronger each day. I am scared of waiting around for nothing. That his promises and his words are not truth.

With him is leading a life thats half baked. I am making sacrifices but not getting what i want. The thing is how long do i wait. Am i sabotaging things too early when he has come through every other time. Does a one time blemish have to stay lingering for so long. Do i let it go and believe in the goodness in his heart.  How long do i wait?

How do i keep quiet and happy in the meantime when deep down i am not happy.

Is it through career. Getting it back on track and then sorting out the rest. For that sense of financial security is gold.  Is it for asking for what i want some more. A sense of space and time. A little time to be on my own and cool down and just be ok. More time for friends and making deeper connections. Sharing all the pitfalls in life with others and not just him. Recognising that he has chosen to move away.

I just want to be free again sometimes but when reality hits i know i'll miss him like crazy. Its about taking what you have and being happy with it all. Life doesn't always hand you what you want in life but its about looking on the brighter side and appreciating all the good things in life.

I have a boy thats dotes on me, thinks of me all the time and is stuck between a relationship and his youth. He wants the experience of wonder that the world offers and the security of a relationship with a girl he loves but has done it all. He tried so hard to be his best. Its about appreciating that man rather than picking holes. Its about being happy with me so that the little things don't matter. It's trying to feel secure about things again. I just really need to be happy again and get to that good place. I craved this so bad and now i have it. Appreciate it!!

You got what you wanted and only patience will get you the rest. 

Diving in head first

I've always loved taking chances and giving life everything. It's something i have loved about me. I want life to be spectacular. I want only the best. And so far in time in relationships its been reciprocated so few times.

I was starting to settle for good enough. And then one man came my way and for about six months life was perfect. And then little by little the trust eroded. But then it didn't. It came back. And now its nice with a few insecurities but promises of forever.  The diving in head first has left me somewhat vulnerable.

But then a man that takes your heart and breaks it apart is not worth it at all. And its better to find out now than later. Or you can give this everything you have and make it work. Make it work so much that you will wonder why you ever doubted it in the first place.

On many an occasion he has surprised me with amazing feats. I should just be patient and have that faith that he will make my world spin. There will be little blemishes in life. The strength of a couple is in getting past them. The memories of those good times are what we should remember to help us get through.

At the end of the day i love him with all my heart. A little more balance in life now might be just perfect. Perfect all round for a fabulous life for you and I.

Realisations on career

That i'm driven and motivated and born to succeed. That i love the feeling of travel and the taste of success. That i have not led myself astray in focusing on it and that taking a step back to put other things first has been fruitful in growing an amazing relationship but also to realise that putting career second is like clipping my wings.

And now its time to fly and be free. With a boy on my side that i love and the freedom to shine.

It's about being true to yourself and being the best you can be. 

Studying is like traveling without traveling

Because it changes who you are. Every time I leave home and return, its like i don't belong anymore. I've discovered and learnt new things and become someone else. The people around me are somewhat the same except they have forged new friendships and changed in many ways to fill the gap left by my void. And you feel this the most with those who are closest to you. People learn to live without you. You are no longer as close as you used to be.

So a new chapter must start and i wonder who these new friends of mine will be. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head but maybe i just need to enrol in a few things and forge some closer friendships with people i click with in the moment. Maybe work will bring more in this way.

I feel this will be healthy for me and my relationship. To have the time and space to build up a life i love again. Spend moments with my parents. To appreciate family.

At the moment i resent him for not always being around. But thats because i drop my world for him and make him my everything. Its not healthy for me. Its not healthy for him. A bit of space and doing our own things will get us to appreciate what we really do have. Which is amazing.

Like right now. I love that i am here alone. This trip would not of worked with us together. Too much pressure.  And its getting us closer together. So perhaps what we need is just a little bit of space to have our own lives while being completely madly in love with each other and spending time together.

Maybe its about enlisting in classes and learning new things and enjoying the world. Maybe i should learn to dance or something like that. Get those creative juices flowing. 

to sort out some loose ends

So i checked his messages and found some pretty intimate conversations about how much he disliked me. He was musing with his sister and calling her pet names.

We got over it. He said sorry.

Yet things just feel really weird.

I feel we should sort this out before out one year and that fabulous holiday for it hasn't. How to sort it out though.

A quick email or in person.

musings at night

Things have changed lately. I'm on holiday back in a land that was once home and spending time on my own visiting relatives. These are times of self discovery and realisations. Of experiences that change your word and you perception of the way things are.

I'm touched by the generosity and goodwill and kindness i see all around me. I miss the sense of family and belonging that comes so naturally and that gets taken for granted. For the first time ever i feel a sense of home.

Back in my real home my lovely parents await. They too just love this place. Take away the ameneties and the niceties of life that make it all so comfortable and you wonder what a sterile world home can be. Yes i love being on my own but i see something here that is so wonderful.

I keep in touch with my boy everyday and he praises me with words of love and happiness. Everything a girl would ever want to hear from their man. Yet there is an emptiness associated with me and him. Of me wanting something more and him being only a boy with a magical world to explore. A magical world i have already explored and now have new sights in mind.

I do love him. I feel i need to get to know him more. Part of me just wants to settle down. The other part of me just wants to get to know who he really is because i really do wonder about that.

For a while it was going so swimmingly. We were living together and things were getting to that feeling of stability and commitment that makes you feel wonderful when you fall asleep in his arms each night. But now he is moving out with a friend and needs a little space. He says not much will change. I am holidaying on my own.

There are so many wonderful moments though. He spoils me on all occasions. A boy that gushes over you with tiffany's and roses and words of love and beauty. A boy that misses me to bits when i am not around and seems to be a little lost.

I'm just a little worried but its probably nothing that a little time and patience can't solve. I want to feel that depth of security and love again. In time it will come i hope.

Maybe for the moment its about figuring out what my needs and wants are. I like my space and have not asked for it out of fear that he will move away. But staying has not helped. Maybe a night a week alone would do us wonders. And those phone calls to friends i have not made because he is in my company always. Perhaps i should make time for them. And that occasional trip alone, well why not. Its not like we don't do most things together. A little time on my own occasionally with the comfort of knowing your relationship can survive anything, if not get stronger may be a good thing in the context of being together for eternity.

A chance to be me and who i am and adjust to a way of life that really works.

I want to feel happy again about me and him. For us to act out of love and kindness and passion for each other. I want to feel nothing but goodness towards him for he really is a wonderful man that is trying his best.

The freedom of Travel

So i got a job. I got the relationship back on track. But really its the thought of travel and being free in the world that actually excites me. Its what makes me feel alive and real.

It's about finding my true self and life looking up again. 

Life Skills in making it all work

Relationships are hard work. They always will be. Its the effort you put in and the faith you have that ends up in right place.

We had problems. We talked it out. We worked it out. He is not perfect. Neither am i. But together this is stronger than anything i have ever known.

It's not exactly what i want but life goes on. I can make it work. Moments were lovely and we are heading in the right direction. I love him lots and am starting to see the real him. Him with I too.

Life is starting to get back to normal. Jobs are plenty, life is beautiful.

I want to move onto another stage in life but my boy is not ready for that yet. I want to move with him to a beautiful place. Wake up to waves crashing against our bedroom window.

The end of unemployment

And today i got some relief. A victory really and a sense of achievement. It may be a backward step in other's mind but this is exactly what i want. Time to spend with my parents. A job selling billion dollar deals. Based out of the city i love and want to be in.

There is a man in my life who is so lovely. But also a little bit flaky because he is so young. I'm in two minds. Do i tell my mum to just set me up with some man from lanka. Settle down because i am ready and live happily ever after as that is what i want. Or do i keep going with this.

The thing is i loved who he used to be. Now he is unsure and i have no confidence. So is it time to just walk away.

Almost doesn't count... that's what keeps repeating in my mind.

I thought he was everything. He turned out to be like every other man in my life - temporarily disguised as something more.

I have a job now. Maybe i let him go and see what happens. Have my own life.

Do i tell my mum to find someone for me. Let her introduce me to a man that wants me to make a sacrifice. To someone that wants to settle down. I'm the girl who's super successful but willing to give it all up for a man thats sure about it all.

The thing is he is not.

Is it time to say goodbye?

Maybe - but stay low for a bit while you figure it out....