not a day goes by when you don't message

 Sure some nights I can't come over when your kids are their. But every other night or day, I have an open invitation these days. I think. 

It's hard to think a guy would want to make you so important. But I think with this man. He see's me as something real. Maybe never leading to marriage or all those things traditional but what happens if you just want to spend your time with someone wonderful.

I would love for it to be more but I need to accept that he will never commit, yet his actions speak greater than a commitment would ever make. Giving me comfort that we accept each other as we are and we will miss each other incredibly if apart without needing a random paper to prove anything..

And I got my first Pfizer jab today

And it was a sign of things to come. That life may well finally start resuming back to normal. I have booked my second shot in two weeks. By the end of the month the vaccine should be fully functional. And  I can worry less being out and about. And one day maybe even be out in the world again. 

But one thing is to feel relieved after even having the first jab and knowing the second is only three weeks away. 

Seeing a way out of the pandemic

 And then I randomly went to book a vaccine and it worked. and for the first time in 18 months I feel truly excited. That in a months time I will feel completely safe. I have never wanted a vaccine so much. But also can almost taste the freedom with a life I used to have..one more month..

And then you messaged

 Just to see how my day was. Just to say hi. Just to chat. To tell me you will use your electric blanket as the warmth of my body is not close by. For us to chat idly. And for me to tell you I miss falling asleep in your arms for you to tell me your bed feels empty.

Maybe we really have something together...

The thing about growing older

You have less expectations and fantasies. You live less in a dream world and more in reality. The sad thing is that a little bit of the dreamer in you also disappears. Without you even realising. 

Somewhere along the way you get to spend a long time with a guy without worrying too much about where things are going. His cuddles and companionship are enough. I have missed being in the arms of a man so much. I have missed having sex. And the sex is pretty good too. At least when we have not been drinking it is tingling and magical.  But even with the drinks, it has been pretty amazing. And most of all ever so comfortable to explore each other and talk about anything. 

But at any other time I would be fantasising so much about something long term, marriage, building a life together. With age comes the realisation that you can have certain dreams but that they may not come through. That maybe that dream of building a life together with another person isn't ever going to happen. That you just fit into their life or that's it or they fit into yours. Somehow, somewhere.

But these things stopped bothering me so much. I accept reality. Sure I long for house hunting together with a guy and building a life. But that moment is long gone. So it's the little things that matter.

And it feels like we are something. But then I accept if we are not. It's no longer all in my head. It all seems to be heading in the right direction. We are an easy couple to be. Even though we don't talk about it, I feel like you express a lot with your touch and your actions and the whole hearted attention you give to me which is rare these days. 

And you inspire me to be the same with you.

We are gentle and kind to each other. So lets see how things go.

Somewhere in between more than friends and less than a relationship...

Another two great nights

Heading over to yours over some tunes during lockdown. This intimate partner bubble is working for me very well. I get to your's and it's already dinner time and already so comfortable. You cook and we chat. I do some dishes. we go for a walk with your dog and then to the shops for some wine and dessert. I wait outside because you know, one shopper peer household rule. 

Dinner was lovely. You are so easy to chat to. And then we settle in with some comedy and that Netflix series we've been watching all along. And then we have some amazing sex. Waking up in your arms in lovely. Cuddling all night is lovely. 

Working from home with you is lovely. The occasional tea. Having lunch together. Going for walks. Making you tea. And at the end of the day the post work walk and cooking together before settling back into mindless Netflix and sex and cuddling. 

This suburban life I never thought I could be happy with. But I think that was because I has such a bad time with R who was horrible and left me feeling so empty and lonely. There is no lonely with him. He is so affectionate and reliable. 

Sure we don't talk ab out it. But the affection and the rhythm we have and the friendship and companionship is real. And sometimes as we grow older, companionship becomes so important. Someone you can spend 24/7 with for days on end just living a routine life. And that you still enjoy it. 

I feel this is going somewhere. Somewhere honest and real. 

And tonight I head back to yours

This is so nice. Safety. Comfort. Easy. No drama. No games. No second guessing a thing. We just like spending time together. Each others company.

Maybe this will lead somewhere. How is this so easy. To spend days with each other and no awkward moments.  

You have been right in front of me all along

 Who knows where this will go. But we get along so well. 

How did I not see you before

 All these men I ignored. Thinking someone better would come by. Things are finally happening,

And you stay in touch

 A simple good morning message just makes my day! And this kinky side of yours. I think I would love to explore. 

In your arms is amazing

It is so comfortable with you. We can literally live together comfortably. Cook together. Clean together. Work together. Have fun with your dog together. And most of all sleep, cuddle and have sex together. 

How much better can it really get?

And tonight you messaged

And it made me so happy. We are just talking normal stuff. But staying in touch with each other. But maybe it feels like the start of something. Something between the Start of a fresh love that will fade away or something that is strong enough to last the tests of time.

Only time will tell. 

But I was so happy to see your message.  

And I will fall asleep dreaming of your arms.

In your arms was so nice

The way you hold me. With such affection and strength. We laughed and cuddled and talked so much.

Not so sure if we are just a little more than friends or heading towards a full bloom relationship. Somewhere in no mans land but I am totally fine with that. In your arms it just feels genuine, based on years of friendship.

Your back was doing bad so maybe that's why you didn't try to have sex with me. 

But you cuddled me so tightly. you tickled me and we gave each other massages. We cooked, ate, drank and cleaned and went down you tube rabbit holes of stand up comedy and laughed so hard and went for a beautiful walk.

All night and morning I dreamt of your arms

 But this time your only an hour or so away. And already coming by on Saturday night. And I know I will get to fall asleep in your arms again. It was so fun hanging out with you. So comfortable. I'd like to have sex. I hope you try it on. 

I need to clean my house and get everything ready. I'm really over being single. I hope to see you a lot.

And the man from far away is back in the friend box likely to never crawl out again. 

babe just kiss me

 I think you want to, I am finally ready after what? 7-8 years.

lets do this babe. I like you...

You got switched out for another guy

 But you never cared anyways. I was never a priority. 

and my new man. He's been around this whole time...

feeling the love

So I spoke to him last night. He is always available. And we get along. We live in the same country. And its so easy to make it work.

I am in love with two men. But I think I know who I have fallen for. 

I dream of falling asleep in your arms again. your strong arms..

I actually love him

 The way he held me in his arms...

In his arms i actually had a good time

To have a man hold you all night long. To fall asleep in a man's arms. To feel beautiful. To have his body wrapped around you. To cuddle. To just feel good. 

To look at yourself and feel beautiful.

And to reach a place where you don't actually get obsessed over his love. I would love for us to be together. 

But if we don't it is ok too.

Still savouring the feeling of his arms around me.  

Somewhere along the way life became fun again

So what if i happen to love two men. And so what if i cuddle up with one over fun times, you tube comedy rabbit holes and alcohol while wondering if the other is fading away.

So what if we never become anything. We don't need to be anything. It was just nice to fall asleep in your arms. That was just sooo nice. 

I crave you. I miss you. But it's not like back in the day. You might be part of my life. Or maybe you won't be. 

And now there is a new you

 It was a random text. Come over for dinner and drinks, crash at mine. And seemed like a good idea. Someone i trust. Just the two of us. Been on plenty of platonic holidays and day trips. We get along ever so well. I like your dog. And after another lockdown i was craving some human company. Like quality company with a friend that's been around and has known me for a long time. Years. 7-8 years at that i think. And i said yes and i said i will crash. Knowing you didn't have a spare room and i didn't want to use your kids rooms and that i was going to stay in your bed. With you.

And you were a gentleman and we had such a chill and relaxed night and i surprised you by jumping into your bed. Not sure who initiated what but we cuddled all night long. And i saw the man from far away slowly fading away and you held me in your arms tighter and tighter. It felt so nice. The touch of another human. But more than that, once i trusted and felt so comfy around. And we slept in and cuddled some more. And you didn't push it beyond that. 

We went hiking and then we went looking for my cravings for idlis and on our return to your place we spent a solid ten hours going down you tube comedy rabbit holes with drinks and cuddles before falling asleep in your arms once more. And we slept in that morning to make up for our 2am sleep schedule and we chilled and relaxed through coffee and breakie before finally hugging goodbye and saying goodbye to the weekend. 

It all just felt so natural. We get along so well. And you held me so tight. And now i can't stop thinking about you. Because there is now you and the man from far away. But the man from far away is fading to the reality of you. Someone that's been in my life for so long. Someone that i lent on while i was down. Someone that checks in on me.  Someone where it all feels so natural. 

So i think i am falling for you.