That perfect life

If i really think about it, my complaints are unfounded. To have the best education in the world, parents and family that care so deeply and are integral to my life, friendships that span decades, a career whose only downside is needing more challenge and a boy that wants to marry me, have kids and buy our dream home together,

Yes the bad times are abound. But i don't know what harsh times are really about.

Life is easy and lucky really. Living in the worlds most livable city, earning in the 90th percentile of this city with a life full of family, love and friendships. What more can a person really ask for?

on flying away

There is a job in london i want to apply for. Or others in silicon valley.

It might be goodbye to you.

How do i break it slowly. My insticts say no to you. We are not going to have a family together without drastic changes in who you are.

Amd i cam't change you. Your looking for a women that is not me. I am not good at cooking and cleaning and i don't mind. I judge myself on other things.

So goodbye, perhaps? maybe?

Thank you for the smiles and the good times and i'm sorry for wasting your time, 

craving for another life

Is it time to just run away.
Drop it all. Get a good job. Be alone in the world? Do i really need anyone else?
I've lost that hope.

sometimes relationships are harder than being in a relationship

And how i crave for that simple guy back. where it was me and him and noone else

Modern life is complicated. i woldn't mind back in the day. You and your husband was all that mattered. Relationships stoff strong and private.  don't like this world of convenience and whatever goes.

My first instict with this one was to let it go. Keep it go as friends. he was never meant to work.

But we did.

How to figure out that right decision. How to avoid making a big mistake.

Am i able to say goodbye?

Should i try?

Obsessed with facebook

He's always on social media. Posting his pictures and making his life look so great. And i guess it is a great life. But there is something about it all that i feel so uncomfortable about. This isn't that fairytale i dreamed of. Do i want someone a little more private. Ive had extremes of men all my life.

This type of recognition and need for boasting is something new. So is the distance and having his way. Do i just call it quits now. Last few months have been going down hill. This could be my time to start afresh. Start anew. Practice letting go of what i do not want. Not so be needy to jump into something new so soon. Be content with life as it is.

Oh i don't know. To hold on or to let go. But all i know is that old anxiety is disapearing and the idea of disapearing is seeming more confy each day.

At Airley when i had lost it all and didn't know anyone, i survived. That means everything. Its was an experience i thank you for putting me through. Knowing that you are not the guy to be there always and forever.

That you could disapear at any moment.

So whats a good time worth?

At a crossroads

I am content in life.

But also at a crossroads. I feel calmer. All that anxiety gone. I've been seeing a psychologist that is really helping me understand myself better, where my fears come from and how to be content in life and to accept myself and find that peace and calm in life i crave.

At the same time i am thinking that i have outgrown my boy. His immature ways. Learning to accept myself but also stand up for myself.

I also crave to fly away. Maybe to another land. Start a new adventure. A new life. I have savings once more. My investments seem to manage themselves.  Works is a bit quiet albeit i get paid well.

I sometimes think if the time i spend having fun is less that the hard moments, its time to let go. But also, i have held on too tight to many a man. Is this my practice for learning to let go. To learn a new life skill. One that my sister is so good with.

I know i will meet many a man in the future. If i can't truly see myself having a kid with him, if i just don't feel quite right about it, do i just need to trust my instinct.

From day one i liked him as a friend. But i let it get to something more because we were the best of friends. They say friendships are the best to progress to something more. In this case i'm not so sure.

We are so messy. But then so is life.

That fairytale you have of the man of your dreams when your just a kid is long gone. Reality hits and life goes on.

Sometimes it feels so helpless. Having everything in life but nothing. I crave to feel passion.

A little older, a little wiser, a little happier

Life is a journey and recently i've been content.

Content at my sub perfect life as i have realised, things are good most of the times but ups and downs are a natural part of life.

He represents a life of infinite conversations. Its hard to find that person you click with. That understands your jokes and makes you laugh. And i don't give him enough credit.

He didn't let go of me that easily. He was a gentleman. He came bouncing back after some space. He is generous and treats me well. Helps me. Checks on me. Holds me.

Some days and some times its not so good. But then i'm not the best at communicating either.