Light bulb moment

So this is one realtionship i really do not want to stuff up, yet i know there are some things that are fundamentally wrong with me and also certain issues that i have not worked through in my head which may be impacting on the way i feel and behave.

So yesterday i went and saw a councillor. And it was mass moments of revelations that i had not even thought of. The reasons i thought were clear and simple, were just not the case.

So the the alcoholism from my dad in my childhood and the constant fighting and tension filled air of my childhood is having an effect on me despite my close relationship with my family these days. It seems i have learnt to be anxious through childhood because thats all i know and i associate it with any close relationships.

Hence why i feel that way regardless of how good things are going. The last two days, the strategies she helped me out with together with being conscious of this has really helped.

Its tough but i want to make the new man in my life work. Its not all rosy, but life is about compromise.

On meeting his family

So xmas lunch was just about perfect. Something i know how to play well is being the perfect girlfriend in front of the parents. Flowers for his mother and chocolates for the others.

I'm all that is poise and elegance. A simple yet sweet dress, understated Tiffany no's and a beautiful smile on my face.

It was lovely spending time with him. Holding his hand, cuddling up in his arms

Dig Dig Dig

You know when something goes wrong and you try to put a bandaid on it and it just gets worse and worse.

Well i'm not sure about this new relationship. It was all good for a bit. And then one day he got drunk and forgot about some commitments he made with me, and then i gave him the silent treatment and then i realised he still had an online profile and then he took it down and didn't feel like speaking to me, and then i felt bad for getting mad at him and then tried making it up by calling him, but he kept avoiding me, and then he kept getting sick and i kept flying off to sydney and then his career was not going so well and then all of a sudden i won an award even though i thought mine was going as shit and then i said soemthing to belittle his ego at work and then he started avoiding me on the phone unless it was to do with him directly but all along he still had an open invite to meet his family and tomorrow i will meet his but i;m not so sure because in the last day he put his profile up but i am meant to trust him so i should not even know this.

Life is tough. Do i say nothing and keep the peace. I can always walk away another day.

The things is i have already told my parents about you. I wish i had realised that you had put your profile back up. If i had of known, you would not mention a word. In fact i would go to my parents instead of yours.

Corinthians 13:4

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

I wonder why he just doesn't

He ignores my calls and my messages. Puts me off for days on end.

Yet he seems so into me at the same time. Where once my gut would tell me to walk away, this time i feel so secure that he is completely into me.

The old me craves to drop him and to run away. But then i think of what we could be and don't want to take a lifetime away.

Do i need to stand up for myself in terms of respect and my feelings? Am i strong enough for him to walk all over me and still not make it matter so much?

Whats the go? What should i do? Do i go with my gut? Do i love him in patiance hoping one day he will be there emotionally for me while today i just learn to deal with myself.

It's tempting to just ignore him, to let this go. But then i feel like i am walking away...

At the end of the day he makes me happy

Sometimes i just need to realise that i have some poisonous influences in my life and friends that are less than after thats best for me.

My man makes me feel so secure. Like i am the girl on the pedestal which was the reason no other girl measured up. I'm the dream girl he thought was out of reach that suddenly became a reality.

He's wonderful and he treats me well.

I love him. I can't wait to meet his family at xmas and for him to meet mine over the break.

Fairytales in reality is just beginning to form.

He's in his cave and i feel lonely

Sometimes you just want to speak to your man. Or you need to speak to your man.

But his emotions are different and he needs his space.

We are all different in this world.  I know, i know.

In reality i love him and i wish he would too. I want to settle down with him, have his children and spend the rest of our lives together.

A turning point in life perhaps....

My careers still taking off at a million miles an hour

I just thought temporarily that it wasn't. A little bit of politics and maybe a little bit of influence from dating a colleague whose career is not going so well.

But i was at that xmas party last night. Not trying all that hard but completely confident in my own shoes. I was hot but in that classy, stylish, fully composed manner. I was humble too. I didn't even realise he was talking about me for the award until i heard my name.

I am a somebody. People see me an impressive. I am going places. I got "stuck" in a conversation with the dude that runs the show.

The thing is i am going places. I am recognised. People look at me and what i have achieved in such a short time and think i am amazing

The thing is i am.

So the career i thought i was losing is alive and kicking and moving in leaps and bounds once again. Perhaps somethings never change. I am destined for success after success...

i feel secure with you

The problems of yesterday still remain. We have not caught up properly for three weeks but working together we have exchanged many a loving glance and a raised eyeborw. Your stressed about career and have entered your cave. My wings have been unclipped and i am happily making the world spin.

I miss you. I crave your touch and your smile and your kiss. I will wait patiently on the sidelines even though i am upset.

I'm sad

Today i just confronted him. And he took it down straight away. He was apologetic. He said sorry. He said i was the only one.

The thing is I'm sad. I have a date for tomorrow night. I'm thinking of heading upto sydney and considering other men.

Deep down i want you. I'm scared. I know your crazy about me.

As down to earth as i may be, i;m just used t grant gentures of empty love. How do i adjust to a man thats true to his word and get rid of all the hurt from my past.

Its been a sad weekend. Emotionally exhausted.

Trouble in Paradise

He cancelled on me because he went out and got drunk with a colleague. Sent a few measly texts of apology, thirty mins after we were meant to catch up. I am silent.

Today nothing.

I'm going through mixed emotions. Anger and being upset. A little bit of crying and a little bit of wanting to hurl abuse his way and a little bit of knowing that this is the first blemish and its not such a big deal and that i want to get through this.

I want to tell him that i wish he could grow some balls and just pick up the phone. Harsh - something i never would say to his face but having a rant online is all i need.

This is why it never worked out first time around. What about now?
Does he still harbour the same feelings?

Work has been stressful lately

It has. And thats only been part of it.

It doesn't help that the man that i thought was wodnerful is acting like a dick in his own way. I still have tears in my eyes. Even if he never realises how hurt i am.

The thing is i am in a successful position and life is where ii am looking to take it. Today , someone looked at me and womdered how i had got so far.

Goodbye to all the shit. Should i really do this?

I have a man i do truly love. I am hurt by him in two ways. The first because he always cancels and his words don't mean all that much. The second, he still has a dating profile up.

Tonight i'm home alone and crying

I'm hurt. I was looking forward to spending time with him.

All the things he does not do - the flowers, the taking me out to fancy restaurants i let slide. But the thing is, i kind of miss those gentures.

Perhaps i have moved too fast. Faster than he has moved.

Do i confront him about his profile?

I'm hurt

We were meant to catch up tonight. We made a time and we made a plan and we had a place.
I kept my word and gave up a few worlds as they came up as i had already made plans with you.

But tonight you decided to get drunk and then went home to sleep and ignored my two calls and msg and twenty minutes later told me you couldn't make it.

You suck.

So my first retaliation is to think of other men. Tim the construction dude that wanted to catch up tonight, or my friend thats out on the town tonight or that last minute invite to the xmas party.

But the thing is i prioritised you before it all. And you chose to not prioritise me in the same way.

Its a tough one. I want this to work but i am hurt at the same time. I needed to talj to you as i was stressed, i cooked for you, i put you first.

Perhaps this is a life lesson in not making you my world.

My gut tells me to love you but i want some respect.

The things is tonight you make me cry. And i get measley texts from you. I want more than that.  The thing is you have a profile up still. Is it me you even want?

Reveling in the Normal

It was a typical day at work and there was the odd occasional smile and touch to say hello when no one is looking. It is that crazy anticpation and excitment of thinking of your lover, knowing that he is a few meters away but that no one else knows of our secret office romance.  Its picking out his voice from a floor away as he orders his coffee and being concious of another in my surroundings. Its about wanting to be more feminine and gentle and the way he makes me feel so special.

It just makes life fun.

I feel so secure. There are no games. Today he called to see how i was and make plans for the weekend. We know we will see each other a few times a week and its just a matter of when, not if.

I love the way he holds me all night. The way he brushes my hair to the side. The way he kisses me.

Om meeting mr right

When you meet the right man, its easy to realise why it never worked out with another.....

He's wonderful

I so feel a part of his life in every way that matters. The other night, we were ever so normal. Supermarkets, home cooked dinners, your gorgeous dog, discussions on property prices and the way our minds work, culture and beauty and the nature of human emotion.

We held each other all night. You kissed my forehead and you looked into my eyes. We just fit, we just work.

I told my sister about him today. I'm taking him to dinner with my cousins. I'm meeting his family at xmas. I feel secure and content.

Its like i'm at the right emotional state, i've learnt my life lessons and know how to make a relationship work.  I value holding of hands, being called pretty and being introduced to all thats important in his life over two hat restaurants, diamonds at Tiffany's, being swept off your feet, flowers and grand gentures as they come.

I'm with the one

Ups and downs , it all does not matter. This is a time to believe in my heart and my gut.

He is genuine, he is kind, he is everything i want in a man.

Gone are the days of two hat restaurants, flowers on whim and being whisked off my feet temporarily and those amazing highs lead by the worst lows ever.

Hello to a man that opens doors, calls me baby, holds my hand and introduces me to his best friends and family and wants to hold me tight through the night.

I have a man and i trust him and i just need to open up with him.

Getting back to the top of my world

So i had a bit of a downer but today i look back in perspective. The fact that my old company wants me back and i'm considering naming my price. The fact that the ogre is coming unstuck and the fact that my reputation precedes me is working well. Then there is that man in my life i am taking it slow with. I have been the one thats been pushing him away when he has been doting on me hand and foot.

Sometimes i think i just need to let go of the past relationships that did not work and embrace the new man in my life for he is amazing.

Then there is a man that could just work culturally

One that i know loves me completely. One that has seen me at my worst. One that cares about me. One that understands me. One that shares the same values as me.

I can fall alseep in his arms knowing that there will never be anyone else. One where his mom and sister would just fit in. One where he would fit right in with my parents.

Am i kidding myself with this white boy who keeps his profile up?  Is it just cultural thing? the belief and the committmen that you will make a relationship work forever with the best of your ability. And that underlyng belief that not making it work is not an option.

Is this goodbye to something i thought was good in my life?

I'm a little bit lost tonight

My eyes are filled with tears and i'm all over the place.

Am i sad because i can't handle the politics at work, am i sadi because once i was tough but now i want to be more female because i think thats the real me? Is it because i got screamed at by someone wanting to know when i would get something done when i had been excluded all along. Is it becaue i have fallen in love with a man that has an online dating profile that he is updating all the time. Is it because my gut tells me he still loves me when reality states that he probably doesn't.

I'm crying tonight. I hate some people i work with. I wish my boyfriend had a sense of loyalty.

Do i have my rose coloured glasses on to think it is all lovely?

Is it just time to move on?

I'm still crying for i am lost.

Today i came home and cried

Its another friday night. Its a time when things are not going so well.

So much politics at work. I lost the rose coloured glasses many years ago but then i joined a company that held it's head high in integrity and respect. Now thats changing. I am still moving somewhere but sometimes i wonder at what price.

I like being feminine. I don't want to hard just to succeed.

Office politics and these games we play. I'm just a little bit over it. Is success worth it. Do i crave something more representing the greater good? Is it time to move on?

It feels so good and perfect but...

So he dotes on me, calls me all the time and treats me like a princess. I feel secure, i feel good. Or am i just kidding myself?

So he still has a profile online. He is even updating it, making himself more marketable. Is he really ready to settle down? Is he as crazy about me as he claims? Is this why he is not sleeping with me?

I have this feeling in my heart and gut that this is nothing but a browsing exercise, perhaps one of self validation. That he is scared i will leave him for i am that dream girl he had on a pedestal all along.

The thing is i am hurt by it. Its a trust issue. No man is perfect. But...

On having the man of my dreams

So it feels real. Really real.

We are talking about the details which make up a relationship, about our past and letting each other into the circle of our own lives. I have met your best of friedns and you have met mine. You have a open invitation to my life and i have that for yours.

I know what your upto and i love you for it. I share the same with you.

I can see myself growing old with you. I love your intellect, yout fitness and how gorgeous you look.

Everything is just falling into place. We will be amazing together.

I love you.

The anticipation of not having him

So it was me that asked to take it slow. And now i crave for him to make a move.

But really he is treating me so well. Getting to know me. Hanging out. Letting me see who he really is.

I'm also a little nervous around him. For some reason not entirely myself.  Somethings seem a little childish around him.

In time he will be delicious. I am definitely falling for him.

I'm acting like myself

Today i was a little sad and a little unsure. I just messaged him and he lay my claims to rest. Not in the perfect way but in a way that works.

Sometimes its good to let yourself be vulnerable. To take a risk and follow your gut and ask the right questions and let your emotions flow through.

It looks like he needs some time in his man cave. Think the best of it all. He will  be in touch when he is ready.

Its another friday night at home

Its been a tough week. Work is going along well mostly but this week has been particularly difficult and stressful. Forging my way through the coorporate world. Climbing ladders i should not of reached for some time yet.

I'm thirty. My friends are drying up. Those nights of drinking and shananigans are reserved for wives, girlfiriends, fiancee's, opera shows and plain olf falling asleep after a long hard week.

I have a man. Sort of. But he has entered some cave.

I'm at home with my beautiful view and my beautiful couch. Life really is beautiful. I should relish these moments for they will not last forever.

I have met the man of my dreams. And we are catching up on sunday.

He is amazing

I am in love.

This time its real with a man that dotes on me. With a man thats known me through my worst and best. Through a man who has seen my bad hair days and the best.

To a man that opens his heart, shares his feelings and takes risks. Lets me into his life and calls me pretty and beautiful.

To a man who's intellect amazes me and i can't wait to have that next conversation because he enriches me.

I think we are a forever.

He has been in front of me all along and i never realised.

Just a little moment

So i am incredibly happy with you. Sometimes i do think of the cultural differences of you being an anglo saxon male and myself as an abcd desi finding her way in the world.

You said you and your best friend will always have your inside jokes and secrets.

I guess the fundamentals of growing up sri lankan was that you and your man were a unit and no one else would ever intrude.

It is a tiny little thing. Perhaps it does not matter.

The real deal

He's been there all along and i only decided to notice a few weeks ago.

Today he took me for al ong drive and had lunch with his best friends. He held my hand, he was nothing but a gentleman and he kissed me without a second thought.

His friends embraced me with open arms and i felt right at home.

Playing the game

Work wise i have been somewhat stressed, feeling like i am losing. Even just last night.

But catching up with an old flame that a great platonic friend today and that long walk down st kilda rd helped clear things up.

Sometimes you just got to play the game and that is what i am good at. Add some integrity to the equation and i really can't be undone.

I think it is about imitating the ones that have made it. Their cool calm collected nature of never reacting, always seeking the answers.

It is also believing that people will unravel themselves through she

Sometimes you need to let him chase you

Instill a little fear to let that primal urge come up. But treat him with utmost respect and let him catch you at the same time.

He is so easy to talk to.

At times he disapears but he seems to come out of it at the same time.

Is he angry at me? Perhaps a little. But then he likes me too.

Falling for a colleague can be complicated but it can make things work at the same time.

I haven't been sleeping

Lately works been all over the place. We are breaking the boundaries and jumping up and down in leaps and bounds. We have reached for the stars and are clambouring on. Not quite there but not quite back on the ground either.

And the uncertainty and the emotion is tough. There are frustrations and allegations working against us on a journey to achieve the same thing.

And its tough. I feel stressed and out of control. I'm not sure what to do at times.

All the things i love about him

I love that he is kind and polite to everyone, including myself
I love the way his eyes light up as he see's me
I love that he always has a genuine compliment for me
I love that we lock eyes and he has that special, ever so sweet smile reserved for me when he knows no one is looking
I love that he has a little bit of that reformed bad boy in him
I love that he treats me like a princess
I love that he is every bit a gentleman
I love that he wears his heart on his sleeve
I love how we can have such deep conversations
I love his shoulders and cuddling upto him in his arms
I love of how he talks about our future together

Moments of bliss with the real thing

Its been a whirlwind few days or even weeks.

There was that wild halloween party where we spent hours at a close friends getting ready, talking shit and making the world spin and following on, with only a party that would forever be remembered and etched in our minds.

Then there was that birthday dinner at a low key restaurant with my good friends and a few quiet drinks and nibbles while overlooking the world at my place, debating the fundamental nature of the 24th chromosone and its implications of the differences between men and women in the dating scene.

Its laughs all along the way with that warm fuzzy feeling.

Then there is that man that has caught my eye that talks of marriage and children and falling in love. We go for runs and dream up solutions to the world and all its peculiarities. He meets me intellectually and he meets me emotionally and i crave his touch.

Turning thirty has been the best thing. All is falling into place.

A little bit insecure

Although at times i feel that out of entitlement i should not feel this way.

I'm just not sure how to feel. I have initiated much contact. Yet your still online and with other women. Every now and then i get a message from you. It lasts a little while and i think i am on top of the world but in reality i fall back down.

And in another man there is stability and a lifetime of trust.

Am i still learning lessons in love?

On top of the world

With beautiful friends and family and a man by my side and a brillient career, life just couldn't get any better.

Happy happy, Joy Joy...

Feeling the rush

Today was my big day, that milestone birthday. but i was also working on closing a 20 million dollar deal.  Delegating step by step instructions to a guy that works for me, throwing him into the deep end and providing him with an oportunity to shine, negotiating with a supplier at the last minute and sneaking away such that i was only ten minutes late to my own birthday.

I like making the world spin. Its fun!

A milestone Birthday

And today i enter my thirties and its actually a wonderful feeling.  I was cool calm and collected at work, the ultimate in making it big and then there are my lovely friends who all gathered around for a dinner in a cosy booth which was just about perfect! And then there was that sms from the man of the moment who may become something more sending me kisses. Perfection was topped off with that call from mum and dad wishing me only the very best in the world.

I eneter my thirties with my life sorted in so many ways. I've got it all together and the love and friendships are brimming with life and happiness.

I look forward to a decade where confidence and certainty are a given, i am a nicer person completely aware of who i am and where i am going. I am surrounded by friends and family that love me to bits, money is flowing and life is truly beautiful.

Deep down i know he is a good man

I think he feels that i have betrayed him.

I didn't mean to but i sort of have but i do think the world of him.

I also know i will turn this around. He is lovely. We will work it out.

Tonight is my last night in my twenties

Its funny how a certain time is coming to an end. I thought a new era was just beginning.

I recall last year. I recall how my friends were wonderful. I also recalling waiting for a man who finally sent a measly text.

Its funny how friendships just get stronger, life gets brighter, career just grows and grows. But men, its all about tears and waiting for a message that never comes or is just that little bit too late.

For a moment it was bliss

You were in my thoughts for a while. It was a lovely feeling. You were the man i would stand beside. You were crazy for me. You treated me so well. You could not get enough of me. You were calling and messaging. Calling me sweet words.

What happened? Are you just another man like every one that came before you? Was it all an act? Was it acting out of infatuation?

Its hurts.

How could you change like this?

You had the chance to contact me and instead you chose to update your profile for another women you have not even met yet.

Do i mean that little?

I feel sad

I was on cloud nine the other day, having met a man that was right in front of me and hearing his sweet words. And now i feel that first frost of betrayal, leading into sadness.

I can understand how you may feel betrayed or perhaps your feelings have just faded away although i find that so hard to believe. The thing is you are seeking others. You had time to update your profile but no time to send me a message.

Trust is such a fragile thing. Its hurts that we have broken it so fast.

I've barely been with you for a moment, yet the tears are falling fast. This time round it felt so right and pure. Perhaps it always does.

I don't want to get over you.

A simple misunderstanding

Working and dating is complicated. Especially when one is working on the same deals as a crush. I may of said the wrong thing in haste. And now he may feel betrayed even though i never meant it in that way.

So that doting man is no longer doting. I have a good feeling we will work it out once he returns. Once he see's me and my smile.

Life is odd at times. I feel strangely happy at having met the man of my dreams once more. But this time i feel he has a heart of gold and may be the one. I hope he is acting in defence and see the brighter side of day once we talk.

I feel a tad hurt at the same time too. He made me feel like i was his everything. Now i wonder if i am not.

On giving up on desi men

So recently i have been concious of my own culture. On wanting to date a indian or sri lankan man because we would share the same skin color and values.

But the thing is my efforts have been fruitful. I got hurt by many a man in this category.

And a white man has always been interested. Amd he is talking of spending a lifetime together. Perhaps i could fall in love with him?

I sort of already am. I can't stop thinking about him...

When it all becomes so clear and easy

You like me. I like you.

I have no hesitation in contacting you and making a move. You care for me back.

We talk of a furture together and enjoy the present moments. We are both free spirits yet connected through the distance and the oceans that are our lives.

I'm in love once more, but this times it feels real, it feels right.

I can see you in my future. I can see myself growing old enjoy the isdom of your company. I can picture long drives into the country side and walking hand in hand, side by side through life.

Its really as simple as that.

On dating an emotionally intelligent man

Its such a beautiful chnage. A man that appreciates you and thinks the world of you. A man that is curious to find out all about you and a man that wants to look into the distant future with you by his side.

Its a lovely feeling, things are just falling into place, no need for any games or mind games.

Simple really.

Beautiful.

I like him because he is kind

I think of him and the way he treated me the other day. He was kind and generous, attentive of both me and my friend with all her food allergies. He was a perfect gentleman.

I think he is a really good person. Somebody i could trust with my life if i had to. The kind of man that would be by your side forever if you capture your heart.

And i think i have. I am his dream girl. The one thats slightly elusive but not impossible.

Sometimes its nice to give yourself a break

And this week has been somewhat it. I've been eating junk, hanging out at my local backpacker pizza joint, enjoying sipping on cheap merlot and plenty of mudcake, sticky date puddings and mars bar slices. I've been skipping breakfast and wading off the hunger with multiple coffees.  My exercise has been from the drive way to my car, and does the distance between the bed and the couch count?

But you know what? Its all ok. I'm super fabulous fit all of the time. Its ok to let yourself go sometimes and lower you expectations.

I can run marathons and be perfect any other day.

So is it because i broke up with a lover or because i have discovered a new one? Am i hurting or in the realms of starting something wonderful?

I can't stop thinking about him

He made his move. I have yet to make mine.
He is on my mind. Growing in attraction. Today all i could think of was making love to him, feeling his shoulders and letting myself sink into his arms. That sweet moment of a kiss.

A year of sexual tension is worth this feeling.

Any doubts i had are out the window. I know it's in my court, i know what i need to do.

He is lovely. I am falling for him. This time it is easy. It is mutual. It is real.

We have known each other for 18 months almost. We have grown in respect for each other. I think you are brilliant. I think you are brilliant.

I'm crazy over him

Unexpected but i am.

Maybe i just needed some time.
Now to make it work with my professional life.

When you know you have it

So i turned upto his bbq the other day in that casual chick yet ultra cool and stylish outfit. Low on makeup, high on style without being too made up.
I got along with your friends and was a world of class and fun.

And you treated me like a princess.

And i have noticed.

And now your on my mind and i can't stop thinking about you.

Do you remember when we were young

Many many years ago, eyes bright, starlight, we embarked on a journey into the world. I was looking through photo's of those days. When we were nobodies on a life journey. We knew we would all become something special but had the tenderness and innocence of young lifes and love.

We were on a journey together and the best university in the land. We were to become lawyers, doctors, engineers and investment bankers. The pot of gold was a given and we were there to have a good life. Remember the soccer games and the drinking on south lawn, remember the rnb nights and the cultural shows.

We knew we were lucky. We knew we would make it. I sometimes think thought that these days we have exceeded the expectations anyone had of us. We are a confident bunch, always were.

And looking back at that photographs i see the youth and innocence in out eyes. Life is awesome these days. We are all somebodies traversing the world, decked in designer gear, owning out own property portfilio's and playing the stockmarket.

Yet i see a certain glimmer in our eyes in the photographs of yesterday that capture the glint of what may come. The wonder of not having lived but knowing you will.

That delicious feeling of falling in love .. slowly

So this morning i put a tad extra effort into the way i looked. And i felt excited everytime our eyes met. The electricity between us growing and growing.

Its nice to be thinking of you.

Yes, I am falling for you. Your kindness and generosity. The way you treated me the other day was lovely. The type of man every girl wants to be with.

I can't stop smiling.

Could i be with a white man

Sometimes in my morerebellious moments i thought i would end up with a white man. Almost fantasized about it. The allure of what i can't have, what won't have me...

And now there is a man that may be a forever. I keep thinking that he is not brown. There is a man so wrong for me that i feel so comfortable lying in his arms.

Could i spend a lifetime with him?

Another him

Perfect gentlement, chivalrous, successful, Stoic, Perfect?

Do i want to settle down and have kids

It seems like it is time in life to start thinking about the future. I don't want to neccesarily have kids and the whole hoohah but i do crave having a man to love me and cherish me.

I meet men and i fall for them. I meet others and feel scared to enter into something because they may love me forever.

There are two men in my life right now that are seriously thinking of me as marriage material. What do i feel?

Can i see him in my future

Lately i've been meeting men that want to settle down. The thing is, its a different game and these are men you do not want to jump straight into bed with. They are the men thinking about their forever's.

Am I ready to settle down? At times i;m convinced of this as i get with a guy thats not ready for this and crave that he was. Why not make life easier by actually dating the men that are looking for a girl to make their world.

Baby steps. Who will it be?

A spark reignited

So a very long time ago i went on a date with a man, and then he got busy and never made the time to turn up for another date, and then he suddently was available amoungst his sudden cancellations but by that stage i had moved on, forwards and onwards with my life.

And then he reappeared in my life, at work. Awkward.

But as time moved on i like his sttention, the flirtations and the little bit of excitement.

And today we got a chance to talk. It was a little bit more that i would have let happen. And your still keen. And i think i like you.

Its funny, you meet a man thats madly in love with you and all you want to do is move slower to explore things. Then you meet a man that is just not into you and all that you wish for is that he would call and dote on you 24/7.

But i'm excited by this man. Slightly scared because he is looking for the real thing. The complications of an office romance in the mix for good measure.

Lets see where life will lead...

Goodbye sweet romance

It’s one of those funny feelings. If I had of kept going, so would you of. We could have kept going for years on end. No real depth, a little bit of mediocrity mixed with a longing to be with somebody.

I walked away because I wanted more. Your actions or lack thereof has affirmed my view of you. Doing the absolute minimum to get by leading a semi content yet insignificant existence. Your not reaching for the stars and I applaud your ability to be happy with the status quo.

And then I can’t blame you for anything. You were always just yourself. I on the other hand was living fairytales in my mind. I was projecting what I want out of life and what I want in a man onto yourself in false pretense. You and I were never going to be a match if I had of had my eyes wide open.

Sometimes we get caught up in the first flushes of lust disguised as a to be love and are blinded to the reality which is right before us.  Goodbye sweet romance, to falling asleep in your arms and waking up and feeling the warmth of another.

We were never to be….

A social experiment in being more attentive

So sometimes when i first start seeing somebody i start avoiding their calls, missing them altogether, sending meaningless messages back in text or not at all. And then a few weeks later when the tables are turned i crave that attention.

So this time i am going to answer his calls, his texts and pretty much be responsive and attentive.

A sudden bout of self realisation

I was on a date last night and i almost felt like i was dating myself. And i didn't entirely like it but could tolerate it. I wonder if this is what men think when dating me.

So i was with a guy that could not stop talking about himself and his work and how fabulous he was and occasionally he would shout out a question to me but never really drilled back onto anything or made me comfortable enough to eleborate.

He noticed i said "fair enuf" a lot and now i notice myself saying it all the time and thats not even a word which has value.

Its scary to meet someone like that. But sometimes you meet people along the way to learn life lessons.

I deleted you and you did not even notice

I'm a little hurt you didn't. But i guess thats the truth right in my face.

Thank you, goodbye!

(I'm a little bit sad hat we spent so much time together and cannot salvage a friendship out of this.)

Throwing shit at the wall and hoping some of it sticks

Thats sometimes how i feel about my dating life. I struggle to define what i want, fall for the wrong men, have incredible times and indispicable lows.

Life is still fun and games. I think i crave for comfort and security yet i search for excitment and good times. Then i wander why i don't find what i am looking for.

I am approaching thirty. Do i really want to settle down? Why do i keep shunning the men that want me and respect me and want to treat me like a princess? Why do i keep falling for the lazy jerks that do not care if i shed a tear or not?

Perhaps deep down i am not ready. Perhaps deep down i need to get a grip on myself and learn some life lessons in appreciating and falling for the men that love and respect you back.

No that gorgeous multi millionaire who has ten million girls begging for even a glance isn't going to fall head over heels and come begging for my love and effection..

a little bit confused and all over the place

Emotions running amock.

One moment i miss you, the way you smile, the way you kiss me and hold me, the way i fall asleep in your arms and make love. The way you hold my hand.

And at other moments i hate you for not loving me, for not calling me, for not  making me feel like a princess.

And then there are other men.

The one from work that treats me oh so well, that wants me to bits, that respects me. The man i can see myself spending a lifetime with. The man i can see respecting me forever.

Then there is another with a slight more forbidden touch or an element of elusiveness. Too outspoken, lacking in emotional intelligence but the sexual chemistry from being an alpha make more than enought to keep my interest.

So good bye to the lazy man thats not worth it. Hello to you, whoever you may be...

On letting go of a friend

Sometimes i am so happy and she says whatever she can to make me come down. Its jealousy at its worst.

I still depend on her as a friend. Perhaps i need to distance myself a bit at times.

I have a lovely life, lovely friends, lovely family, lovely career. She just needs to a small part of it all. I should not make her a huge part as i have.

To make a move or not

I'm wandering what i can do. I like him. I want to have endless conversations with him and make him my world. Many months ago he offered to come down to my city and spend the weekend with me. I told him not to, that we should wait until we happen to be in the same city. And now i want to give it ago and i want that dedication and see if he feels the same and to give it a real go.

How do i get back what once was mine and i never took?

On two men

So there are two men that are potentials right now, each with their own sense of incredibleness. Each so right for me.

Genuine, ambitious, driven, self-assured, wanting the best in everything

And the other, daggy, successful, down to earth, desperate, searching for a soulmate

And both have their sights on me.

Which way will i turn?

Summer of...

The other night we were all out drinking, laughing, dancing. Its friday night in the city and we have been friends for much of time. Without the complications of a relationships, with the trust between friends, every friday night is fun and games.

There we were in that elysive bar down a rampaged set of stairs, sipping on a dirty gin martini discussing phillophy in the cave and stratergies for taking over the world and the role we play in it all.

Life is fun. What more do we need.

Its beautiful to have a group of friends like this. I tend to think this is the reward for staying put in one place.

Looking onwards and forwards into the future

It's that time again where life is all about possibilities and I am free as a bird.

It's that wonderful yet poignent and sad feeling that you met a man that you thought could be amazing together, and then you realise he isn't in fact who you thought he was and that he is in fact incapable of giving me what i want and need. You realise that it's not you and that its not him, its just that we are two very different people and to make it work is to try and fit a square peg into a round whole. I smile at the goodtimes that have been but i smile at the possibility of opening my heart once more to meet someone amazing.

And its that time of year again when there is no one on my mind. Only time will tell as to who will come my way.

Thankyou goodbye

You may call, but perhaps you never will.

Do i even reallu need to tell you its over if you actually never call? Does it matter?

It matters not. All that matters is that i have said my goodbyes.

Life is fun

The 2011 launch of the spring/summer party with our good friends was amazing and is setting the stage for all of the season. Its fun, its light hearted, a little bit mischevious and a little bit of caring.

We are good friends, the inside jokes are amazing and the subtle bits of sexual chemistry from accidently making a move on a friend from years gone by adding that touch of debauchery to make it all interesting.

What can i say? Its fun, it's lovely and its definitely not boring....

The ups and downs of making a decision

Its funny. I woke up feeling flat. I wandered around the market today with tunes in my head, head held high and turned many a head. I felt great. And then all of a suddden i would feel flat again.

The things is, today was the day to make a decision.

I have decided to drop him. Maybe still an occassional catch up after work but that would be all. He's not the man i want in the long term, he isn't the type of man capable of giving me what i want. He is a distraction, standing in the way of what i really want.

So today i thought long and hard, i went for my wander and my run and have decided that this ship has sailed. Sometimes good things must come to an end to make way for something fabulous.

Feelig a little down

Not so switched on today. Had a busy weekend full of friends. Seeing my family shortly.

It all seems so perfect on the surface. I just feel down. A little bit betrayed. A little bit incomplete.

Will i ever meet my alpha male

I look at what i need in a man and in relaity, he needs to keep up with me.

He needs to be driven and motivated and successfull with the ability to have conversations that challenge me intellectually and transcent time. I want to be with someone that feels like they can make the world spin.

And i want this, because thats what i am like. I want my equal or more. I want to see motivation and that desire to do everything in life brilliently. I want someone who sees success as a right rather than an aspiration.

Does such a man exist?

Perfection

I woke up the other morning and thought to myself, i don;t wish to change a single part of my body. Any skinnier and i'd be too bony and anything bigger just would not work.

I liked the way my clothes fit, the smile on my face and the way i looked in general.

The running, the weights sessions and motivation to physically push myself time and time again helps.

It's nice to wake up some days and not want to be anyone else than me and think yourself perfect...

Pride vs Honesty

How should it work?

I've been burnt by so many men in the past that i barely make a move these days. Wait in the sidelines time after time for a man to make it all happen. The reality is that, perhaps i need those days again where i was happy for it all to be mutual.

That me. That's authenticity.

I miss him. Perhaps tomorrow i should tell him.

Or do i wait on the sidelines for him to contact me once more?

Its a tough call. Do i walk away on the basis that he is not intersted or try to find out what the reality is? Has he made it clear already and am i living a fantasy or fairytale in my mind to think he is even interested?

Deep down, i like him and wish for his call and touch. I think he could be the man of my dreams....

To the man of the moment

If you happen to send me a note tomorrow:

Het stranger, haven't heard from you in a bit.  I know where I stand with you and have barely heard from you after what i thought was a few great nights together.

If you have the guts to make a phone call and want something more than an occasional romp call me. Otherwise thankyou,goodbye.

I'm being defensive

The reality is that i like him and i wish he felt the same. All other things are fluff.

Sometimes my fabulousness is enough to get me through and make me ecstatically happy that i sometimes forget that i truly deeply want him to be my man.

But love cannot be caught. It is shared by two souls in love. It needs to be mutual.

I can wait patiently.

Only time will tell

He hasn't contacted me for over a week. Not even a quick hello. Neither have i.

I guess this is no surprise. No telling of where we stand. I wonder what is going on in his head? Will he eventually think of me?

Part me thinks this is all very innocent. Partially being busy with life, starting a new job and figuring out what he wants in life. Partially a test of time to see how clingy i am and partially just wandering if i do in fact like him.

I've waited this long. I know where i stand. I can wait a bit more.

Besides i have a date on tuesday night with a man thats not you.

I like you but i have given myself to you and you were not sure. I'm keeping this 50/50.

Everything is perfect

I look in the bank account and find more money. I buy property on a whim and have somehow skipped that stage of not having enough money to get into property. I've laughed in the face of adversity and for some reason being in a ethnic minority or female hasn't really held me back. I've never focused on equality becuase it was more important to win and be more than everyone else.  Emotionally i understand myself and am learning to open up and let others in.

I turn thirty in a few months. I think the rollercoaster of my twenties is coming to an end and i have laid the foundations for a beautiful life.

Feeling content

Last night we headed to celebrate the start of spring at a funky bar which feels like home and those good old friends we have got to know so well.  Drinking, dancing, chatting and laughing, joking over nothings and musings on philosophy. 

And i met a man in all this too, flicked him my number and he's already messaged this morning.

And that man i am sort of seeing, well he got an occasional thought but i wasn't expecting a call and i had no guilt for i know where i stand and he is strangely consistant in his actions. And i almost deleted him from my life and stopped short of a friend pointing out that all was good and there was no need to.

But the thing is spring is here and its time for new beginnings. Let the games begin for another season!

Its hard to know what i should do

Do i drop him or keep trying?

Is my want of something spectacular somewhat of a fantasy?
Are men and women really that different?

I recall the days of being with a man that wanted to speak to me every night. I wish i could meet someone to feel that way about me once more.

R, you are lovely but you don't leave me so secure. I wonder whats going through your mind? Are you waiting for some affirmation from me or do you simply not care?

Communications is key.

Five words to describe him in retrospect

Lazy, warm heart, mediocre, young, unsure of what he wants in life

On reclaiming myself

I think it takes me a little while to let go. I've become more mature and not as reactive. I feel that i opened up to you and gave you all that i had but that your just not ready for it. I tried to hold onto it as well but i see things pretty clearly.

I just take time to let go.

And i don't hate you. We are just at different places in life. I just slowly start seeing you as a friend and not as a lover.

Tomorrow night is the start of spring. Its time to party with my best friends. The weekend is full of friends, sports and enjoying life in the most livable city in the world. 

There will be no time to wait for a call from you that never comes.

And the reality is i am thinking of others. Not anyone in particular per se. Just that craving to open my heart up to a summer of love with someone new. I'm a little stronger, a little more emotionally open and have learnt a few more lessons and love myself a tad more than i did before.

Most of all i am smiling and happy.

I want

I want to be in one of those relationships where i can't get enough of my man. Where i want to hear his voice each day and what he has been upto. I want to miss him when we are apart and look deeply into his eyes when we are together and feel truly, madly deeply in love.  I want him to feel the same for me.  I want him to tell me i am beautiful inside and out and that he cannot live without me by his side.

I'm a little insecure

I seem to move between two worlds. One where all my dreams come true and anothet where i wonder if i have sacrificed love for career.

But them everytime i love what i do, i love what drives me and i feel that sense of excalactic happiness, it had nothing to do with him.

I love depending on me but more so, i love creating my own adventure and enjoying all the steps of accomplishment along the way.

Let the party begin

Its that time of year again, everyones got a birthday to attend, the sun is shining, the flower's are blooming, the days are getting longer and Melburnites are emerging from their wintery slumber for some daylight.

And so once again we embark on a journey through summer to answer the ultimate question of them all: Can men and women truly be platonic friends.

So once again we will erace the past and all it's debauchery and start it all over again. We'll dress out best and the beautiful people will party like there is no tomorrow. We will smile, we will open out hearts, we will fall deeply madly in love and perhaps even harbour a broken heart to be mended.

But the things is, Life is baeutiful, the party season is upon us, friendships are flourishing and its time to throw caution at the wind and just go with life...

The thing is your living a different life

We want different things and you simply don't feel the same about me.

Is it that i never go for men that want to settle down and all my fault? Or is it that there is something in me to make you act this way.

The reality is that i am not the girl to cherish and love and respect. Your out with others and i barely mention a thought.  Your out sowing your seeds and enjoying life without me. I bet you don't even care.

I could let go and move on with my life. Read the signs and see them for reality.

The other night in that hip restaurant when you looked so hot and young, i wondered if you were out of my league. Perhaps you are. Perhaps i met you to learn a life lesson in opening up and standing up for myself.

Perhaps the life lesson will be half learnt until i truly do let go.

My dream man

My dream man would love me with an intensity and loyalty that barely anyone on this earth would know of. He would be my everything.

Someone i respect, trust and admire.

Does such a man really exist?

I'm living a dream in my mind

So i tried to be positive and think the best of the world.

But the thing is, not everyone is perfect. Yes i am attracted to you. But some girl was messaging and calling you all night and you had a box of condoms on your bag that i accidently found when i tried to leave you a birthday surprise.

And if i were to admit to myself, i miss G. He really was perfect for me. I also trusted him.

And this latest him. He's not honest. He's not right. He's just a bit of fun. I'm kidding myself with anything else.

And last night. I took you to the hippest place in town for your birthday. You turned up in your jeans and that tight black tee which makes you look ever so hot.  All other men would have turned up in a suit with cufflunks.

It felt somewhat sureal. You looked so hot and young. I wondered if i could even compete and felt lucky to have that night with you. In terms of looks, perhaps i am just out of your league. Perhaps i just need to accept that you are a toy boy.

Too caught up to dwelve on him

Sometimes travelling is good. It gives you space that you often will not give yourself. Sure i miss him but i have barely a moment to think about him.

Yes i glance at my phone excitely everytime my blackberry beeps, thinking he will drop me a line. He hasn't. Its ok. I still like him and he likes me even though we are not exclusive or even together. Time away makes you see reality for what it is.

If i want to make it work with him i know i could. And the answer is to keep doing what i am doing right now.

I haven't written to him not to play games but simply because life has become busy and i don't have enough time in my day.

Also, I'm slowly seeing what we have together for what it is and seeing how he feels. I think we have something beautiful together and it could grow into a forever but right now its in that hit or miss dating stage. Lately its been hitting than missing and there have been some wonderful times.

But i'm still prepared to see other men. I'm still prepared to keep my options open. I don't quite want to but i do myself no justice holding onto a man that does not feel the same about me and is still making up his mind.

Today i learnt that i still have it

You know those moments where you feel a little like an imposter but have years of experience and confidence accumulated that you know you won't get caught out so don't really stress about it.

Well today i proved that i had nothing to worry about anyways. I got it all working, i figured out what was wrong and i shined pretty bright. I run away from the technical side sometimes and prefer to live in my management hat. Its nice to be able to do the ground work too.

I feel satisfied today. A step back, a step forward.

I'm soo tired but i still love my life

I can barely keep my eyes open. Its work, its 8 hours of pitching, its been truck in Seoul traffic for hours on end, its polite conversations in someone elses world, its eating the unfamiliar and its transending boundaries.

I'm so tired i can barely type or keep my eyes open.  Its from cab to five star hotel and office and restaurant and business meetings and repeat all over again.

Yet i still love it. This is what i was made for. This is what i have always wanted. I can make it seem less than ideal and that its not so great once you living the life. Sure the reality of hardwork comes to play, but i still love it. I am the envy of the world and have achieved exactly what i hoped for in my dreams.

I still miss my man though. I was in the can the other day and i must of had that dreamy look gazing out at someone elses world. The cabbie turned around and asked if i was thinking of my boyfriend.

I've met you to learn life lessons

A long time ago i got hurt in love. And for a long time, without realising i have been living in the shadows of defence. Just not letting life get too deep that i could possibly feel that hurt again.

And then i met you. Some people you meet to learn life lessons. And this one is on letting someone in through the walls, through the uncertainty, in trusting that you are a good person and trusting that the some risks are worth taking.

I don't know where we are heading.

Are we destined to learn a life lesson together or is this a forever something?

Only time will tell.

(I am falling in love with you)

Tomorrow i'm off again

This time to SK on yet another business trip. What does await, who really knows.

I'm slightly anxious about leaving my life once more but feel it may be the best thing also. Travel provides perspectives and space and time that otherwise is hard to come by. Your so busy discovering the wonder of the world and coming to terms with the deepest secrets of your being, that all the whimsicle parts of life just fall away.

I'm excited and scared at the same time.

Deep down i'm craving to settle down in his arms. On the surface i traverse the world on a whim, one adventure at a time.

Cept this time, the real adventure i seek is in his arms. This is new to me. I've seen the world but have yet to experience love.

The best day in the history of the world

Waking up at dawn and running that 10km with my man, just one step at a time, motivating each other to not stop along the way and keep on going. Coming back home and falling asleep in his arms, cuddling, kissing, touching and lazily waking up at three to wander through the sunshine and grab breakfast in that retro old school cafe to the backdrop of Audrey hepburn movies. A wander through the sunshine holding hands, conversations that drill deep into each others lives, the gentle touch and the warmth of his caress. Looking longingly into his eyes and hugging him goodbye.

Its baby steps and its a whirlwind romance. I can see myself falling for him and i'm scared because it can be incredibly beautiful or incredibly painful based on if we find or lose each other.

Life is complicated. We don't know where life will lead. Its beautiful when two people open up. I am learning life lessons on love.

Should i just get to know him better

Go back to those first moments without jumping too deep second time around. Get deep into his mind, laugh, enjoy, run and just be simple together.

Its tempting to stay

But temptation doesn't lead to all that much. I have honesty and truth.

And at the heart of the matter is the fact that he is young. At 26 i had other things on my mind also.

When you know you love your job

I'm actually quite sick and working away from home and you know whats going through my mind. How i absolutely love my job.

I love what i do. I love how i do it. I love the people, the imagination it requires, the skill and the power that comes with it.  I truly genuinely enjoy and get a kick out of making the world spin just a tad faster.

I'm glad i had the wisdom to take some time out

Sometimes you need to vent to the world. To validate yourself. To go into the motions of denial and self protection before admitting to the world that you are in a little bit of a way hurt.  Or perhaps in a little lot of a way.

I'm glad i took the time to think it over. We are going for a run tomorrow night and we will talk it out.

The thing is, i have a fun time with him. But then as i long as i stay i don't let other doors open so i know whats good for me. And in the long term i don't think he is right for me. I need a man with more ambition and passion to match me in life. 

But i want to be friends. I want to run with him. I want to hang out with him and be his friend.

The emotional rollercoaster

Sometimes i wonder about all of this. Our pride and the way we work.

How fabulous we are that we forget the simple things.

Deep down i still like him. I wish he had turned out to be the doting man i hope for. But he isn't. He's young. He had others in his sites maybe.

The balls in my court and he already knows he's out the door.

If only i didn't know what i know. If only i didn't realise that i want spectacular and that i wouldn't settle for anything less

If your dream man appeared tomorrow would you stay with him another second?

Thats what she said to me. And when i thought of it, the answer was a resounding no.

For he was not my dream man. Heck, not even close to my type. So what was it that i saw in him?

Yes i found him to be a calming influence on a life which resembles organised chaos at it's greatest. But one day surely i would find his lack of ambition and motivation something other than endearing.

He is such a good man with a good heart, stable and down to earth. Sometimes that isn't enough.

I met the man of my dreams about one year ago

Unfinished stories. Two lives left in limbo.

Remember that very first conversation and how we discovered a mutual passion for mountain climbing? Remember those first oysters that we shared over cocktails? Remember those white ochards you gave me that lasted much longer that your stay in my life? Remember out running dates and how you taught me to rock climb?

With you there was never any doubt in my mind. I know i should stop trying to live in the past.

but....

Sometimes you need to let them go to see if they will fly back to you

And either way you have your answer.

And either way you do not living your own life.

I don't do ordinary

Everything that happens to me is spectacular in some way shape or form. That’s just me, that’s how I roll. It’s the passion and intensity I bestow to everything I do in life.

I don’t do things half way, I never tip my feet in the water to see how warm it is, I just dive straight in, facing my fears and having a blast.  I constantly challenge myself to achieve greater levels of excellence. At work, in friendships, in my relationship with my family and in lovers. 

Life is not about living in the safety of shadows but more about taking a risk and giving yourself the freedom to shine like the brightest star in the sky.  It’s about being the best you can me, every moment of every day. 

What your offering is something mediocre. It doesn’t excite me, it’s not a fairytale romance full of spark.  It’s being content with the ordinary.

I’m not ordinary.

Floating along in no mans land

I feel somewhat like I am in no mans land.  Having broken up with my man I feel a tinge of sadness but also a bout of liberation for asking for what I want and having the courage to walk away.

I was nice, I was gentle, he know’s I like him and I know where his head is at. He said to me, this is the most honest conversation we have ever had.  He is a good man with a good heart but you can’t speed up other people’s lives and you can’t slow down your own either. I can see this as a friendship to value and cherish. I want him in my life.

The thing is a certain chapter in my life is closing. I am learning to express myself, to ask for what I want in love, to think positive and know that the world will deliver in all its splendour the most perfect relationship for me. 

Because that’s just who I am. I’m the type of person that everything just works out for and I suddenly find myself with the perfect life, time after time.

Opening another door

Sometimes you need to voice what you want and stop accepting what you get. Everything that has made me successful at work need not be thrown away in my love life. There are certain lessons in respect and humility and understanding that I have learnt that will transcend any situation, weather that be social, at work or in love. 

Last night I asked him gently where we were at and I didn’t hear the answer I wanted to hear. I told him where I was at and where that mismatch was. That I was ready to walk away but still be the best of friends. Just without the benefits.

And it felt good.

While its tempting to stay, sometimes taking back your own power, respecting yourself, craving for a man to take you out and call you special and tell you he wants you in his life forever. If that’s missing from him, I have only myself to blame for staying put. 

And with him I learnt a life lesson. A lesson on asking for what I want, for going after what I want, for being honest, for having the courage to call it quites when it doesn’t work.

And I have opened a door.

Anxious but not as much as i used to be

Today is the day i talk to you. Really talk to you from my heart with my insecurities.

I know something about you. A side that you've never revealed to me. I want to know how you feel.

Its also the day i test my judgement. I think you are a good person with a beautiful heart and this time i don't even think you need the benefit of the doubt because i believe in you.

Let's just have a chat.

The power of family

You know what, sometimes life is nothing without family.

I love how she care's about me, how he cares about me. How i have a mum and dad that i can call on to save me if i need them. But they brought me up so well i will never need saving.

I love how they care. How no one else calls but they do.

I'm scared

Yes thats right, I'm scared.

Its one ofthose moments when the grey areas are no longer bearable and you need to make a decision. Say goodbye to waking up in your arms just in case it meant nothing to you.

I trust my instincts. I still think i mean a whole lot to you.

I'm still scared. I wish it was a whole lot easier.

I struggle to communicate. I struggle to tell you how i feel.

There is always an element of risk

When you go on that very first date, you don't anticipate all thats to come. The ups and down's and the ultimate high's. The betrayals and the friendships that keep it all alive.

But the things is, that is life, and staying on the sidelines not living at all is even worse. And this time i think i have given it my all with everything i have. I have learnt to be gentle and effectionate and i have learnt to love someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. I have learnt to be positive and honest about my feelings and to just be myself.

When we enter certain unchartered territories i have learnt to depend on my friends, be calm and put my self in others shoes.

I have enjoyed being with him. The risks i have taken and paid their dues.

Lets just hope he turns out to be the honest and good man that i think he is.

wondering

Dear N,

We met some time ago and it went so well. You were calling, we were going out, you treated me like a princess, opened doors and we had conversations to transend time, getting to know each other just a little at a time.

But recently things have been different. I found out something last week. I found out you were back on that site actively looking for another.

And myself, i had my indescretion last weekend which made me realise how much i want you and need you. All i kept thinking was that he wasn't you. Its funny how a mistake with another man makes me appreciate you more.

We haven't had that exclusive talk. We are just dating. Neither of us doing anything wrong,

But N, it hurts. It hurts that you can hold me in your arms and kiss me so gently and still think of others.

I think its too long on the sidelines right now. I'm no longer wanting to play this game. Tomorrow i want some honesty. I want to know how you feel. I want to know if its time to say goodbye or if its time to say hello.

N, i'm scared.

N, I hope i mean the world to you.

Chicken Soup

On my couch, with my tunes, with my quilt, willing the world away, staring at another world and slightly lightheaded.

Sometimes i push my body too far and just need to spend a few days relaxing and letting my body to recover. So its me, my apartment and some chicken soup.

Lately life has been going well. I;ve stopped being so negative about relationships, stopped living in the past and what a difference it has made.

I've made a concious effort to think of my man and only my man. To let my heart skip a beat when he walks in through that door and let him know i'm excited and happy to see him. I've just been myself and life has been beautiful.

This morning he held me in his arms and kissed me goodbye

So things have been going well lately with my man. Last weekend's indescretions had somewhat kickstarted some feelings in myself to stop hiding behind the safety net of dates and just to trust him and have faith.

Since then its been movies, its been running, its been challenging ourselves, its been cooking for him, making love and falling asleep in his arms.

Yes - things are lovely right now.

I miss my bestie

She flew away for two weeks on a worktrip to the USA to save the world one stemcell at a time. The thing is her absence makes me miss her. I miss our twenty emails a day of silly conversation around our lives. I miss gloating about how lucky we are and willowing about all that bothers us, while at the same time realising that none of our problems are actually problems at all.

I miss not being able to call her as she roams the world. I miss not having someone to call for no reason.

Sometimes friends are just a beautiful thing.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow

He's trying hard, he's making an effort and i can't wait to see him and give him a hug and look deep into his arms and hold that kiss for but a moment.

I can't wait to lie in his arms as we watch that movie, i can't wait to have a bite to eat afterwards while discussing the ways of the world and the little snippets of our lives that have become such a large part of one another.

I can't wait to tell him about my week, what i've been upto and all the crazy and wacky things that have made my day.

And now i'm getting sick

Woke up this morning with that feeling in my throat. Making it in to work it just starts getting worse, just a tad at the time. Two of the guys that work for me call in sick.

This is not looking good and i have a date with my man tomorrow night. Sipping on hot tea, herbal medicine, western medicine. Cold Cold, go away, never come back, not even for a day.

And i need to wash my hair, pamper myself. I can't wait to see him tomorrow. To have him hold me in his arms, to look deep into his eyes, for him to brush my hair gently to the side and for him to hold my hand.

So like every other time i almost get sick, lets just scare this away....

The wheels are in motion

So i'm thinking if i can run a 10 or 22km in 4 weeks time, and then a 22 in october, and then some intense trekking around patagonia in october, i'd be all ready to go for a 42 in New Yoke City.

On thinking positive

So someone made a comment the other day and i realised how negative i can be. I have always thought of myself as a glass half full person, heck even the type that would consider the glass to be brimming and about to tople over. But the thing is, that attitude is for my career where everything i touch seems to turn to gold.

So how about applying that same attitude to my love life. Instead of waiting for him to call and feeling anxious why don't i just assume he will and look forward to it, whenever it may happen. I only need to get into this disapointment if need be. At work i always catch myself in moments of doubt, reminding myself to stop this fortune telling behaiviour. How could i have been so blind not to see what i was doing to my personal life this whole life.

So the past few days i have been having a blast, catching myself in moments of negative thought. I've been busy, i've been running, I've been hanging out with friends, I've been shopping, I've been seeing my parents.

I feel on top of the world, mostly....

Its time to find another adventure

Hugging rabbits on the street playing guitar, good times over a dirty gin martini, the night meeting dawn in the city, midnight picnics.

Its time to throw it all in the air once more and leave the comfort of everything i know in search of adventure. Its time to do something once more.

Its time to submit that B-school app and seriously consider living in a castle for a year, its time to sign up for that marathon and its time to climb another mountain.

I've been kicking some serious goals lately

The other day when the men of the world were throwing tantrums and screaming out their lungs amidst a chaos and fire and later in empty apologies and group hugs following warnings from HR, i pitched out a cool, calm collected solution and i could just see the relief in the directors eyes.

He looked at me and asked, "what do you need me to do?" and i was like " Nothing, its pretty simple and under control".

And i realise that i have the expertise, the people skills and the influence the make the world spin. And i love it too, the adreline rush of making it all happen with speed and intensity.

And in the midst of it all i forgot to get upset by you. I know you have not called but then i was not expecting you to. At the back of my mind i still harbour feelings of fondness for you, but today i was just too busy making the world go round.

I still think of you though, just not as much and i'm not upset for some reason.

Group hugs aka networking sessions

There's been a few of those to come lately. The other night there was that networking session with about 10 CEO's and various upcoming leaders and high flyers. We got an inpirational talk on how to take over the world and a few tips and tricks to help us along the way. Afterwards it was drinks and nibbles while playing the corporate networking game.

Accidently ending up in a conversation with a man that runs half the world, i had nothing to say. I enter into random comments and conversations on developmentment loans vs venture capaital and glaze in and out of various conversations.

And then i met you. It turns out we did Mech eng back in the day around the same time. Perhaps we had passed each other by in those uni days. It turns out that you had considered moving to the outskirts of Paris to live in castle and do your MBA but that you had decided otherwise and committed to one on home ground. It turned out that you had gone to the states and started your own business and secured some venture capital and set up a successful business. It turns out that you returned when the business was running fine without you. Back home you found work on level 3. I am on level 2.

And it was so easy to tell you so much. How i traverse the world, about how i once moved a river, of how i once looked into getting rid of a hill. I told you about climbing mountains in the himalayas and shopping to my hearts content in Paris.

So really, this guy truly is my perfect man. On paper. One thing that disturbs me, especially as i feel this way is that he is Asian. And for some reason i have never been able to picture myself with an Asian man. Is this racism at its worst?  Why do i feel this way?

Either way i walked away feeling electrified. I loved the conversation, the drive, the confidence. If he was brown i would have falled staright away.  He still makes a partial bit of my heart race so its not game over yet.

And what about one once a week man? How do i feel about him?

Another best conversation in the history of the world

I was anxious all last week. A guy at work had done something i felt was just so unjust. I reacted and i felt the blood boil inside me and i felt on edge and anxious.

But somehow all that emotional intelligence training came to mind and i reaslised that i was feeling not quite right and that a chemical reaction was taking place in my head and that i wasn't about to do anything rational while i was feeling this way.

So instead of escalating or screaming back or picking up the call, i simply did nothing. I thought it was best to wait until i was feeling good again. I tried to figure out what experience in the past was making me predict some unfavourable future event which was making me feel so anxious.

And all weekend i was on edge. The weights sessions, the gym, that 10km run helped. It got to sunday and i had the perfect body again and i had so much adreline in me i felt like i was on top of the world. I messaged him to see if he wanted to come over and he did.

And while i'd been out with friends all weekend, i just couldn't get myself to let them know what was wrong. But i told him about the problem, about how i was waiting for rational thought and about how i was coping with it.  By that time i had a solution which was to escalate the issue so i told him that part too.

And he gave me an anecdote of how he was on the recieving end of a similar situation and some really simple advice. Why don't you just tell him? He will appreciate you not escalating and letting him have his say. Your manager and his manager don't need to waste their times solving silly problems.

And i consdered it. In my head i thought it would never work but committed to trying it. I let him know that i would take his advice.

And the next it all went so smooth. My explanation worked on the guy at work. I got my way, he apologised and i could feel that he felt grateful for me not escalating it. He felt bad for all the times he had escalated things on me. I was definitely a better person.

And after that conversation, that anxiousness was gone. I was on top of the world. My manager was impressed, all was impressed and i had kicked a serious goal.

Back in the day i thought i was always right. Part of growing older and wiser is realising that you don't have the answers and other peoples ideas should always be considered, no matter how wrong they may seem.

I got an executive compensation award and i thought it was SPAM

I always get caught by those phishing emails telling me i've won some lottery and to click here to collect my prize.  But this time i thought, Ha! Can't get me, i know its bull.

And a week later when i get asked why i don't want to accept my 5K of restricted stock options and stare blankly and mutter that its on my list of things to do.

So how did i get it? Will i get i every year?, Will it keep increasing? Have i made it? How do i continue to do whatever i did to get this?

So now i'm happy and excited.