The moments gone

You call as if it was nothing. No apology, no nothing. You've just been busy. You have some guts.

I didn't know what to say so I let you lead the conversation. I let you talk about your life and ask me about mine. I told you how fabulous i have been and continue to be. We left it at that.

Reality is that the moments gone. Your too young. Your too immature. Your not ready for this. Your not completely into me.

I've lulled you into a false sense of security when my heart has looked the other way.

Game Over

He never turned up to my birthday, didn't call, not even an sms. One day on still nothing.

He's a clever enough boy to know that its Game over.

I can take a hint. You are just not that into me.

I never really got to know who you were but goodbye anyway.

I love airports

And this is not the words of someone ever green to flying. I travel a lot. All the time. I'm at the airport almost weekly, sometimes twice or thrice even.

My world is that of limosines, cabs, airport check-ins, business lounges, five star hotels, two hat restaurants, pitches in the boardrooms of the corporate world overlooking national icons, 24/7 conference calls and most of all that rush of a feeling that i am making the world spin.

I'm super organised. My have packing light down to an art. Within ten minutes i have it all, everything needed to make me beautiful, three pairs of shoes to make any occassion, bikini for a hotel swim, a little black dress just in case and that all important power suit with nothing less than a cufflink shirt.

I breeze through priority checkins, sweep past security, every now and then buy a book and listen to some tunes. The airport is my meeting place. Business meetings, bumping into casual acquaintances, long lost friends and the occasional man that catches my eye. Its a buzz of activity and i love watching the world move on, the hustle and bustle of people going from somewhere to somewhere.

To me it does not matter where i go or where i come from. Its the journey of going some place that matters

Each time i'm there i feel free. Free that i am heading off somewhere or coming back. Free that i am all alone. Free that for a few hours there will be just me, no communication, no mobile, no one can get in touch.

Its my time to myself amoungst strangers i can befriend or block out from my world with some tunes. Its that feeling of comfort as we soar through the air, hang out in the clouds, eat, drink and have a moment to oneself.

I don't do half way

And thats what you are.

Fuck you. Fuck off.

Perhaps my pride is worth more than you

In reality i love you, i think we have magic together and i think we have known each other in a lifetime. I think we have lived lifetimes together. I ache to be close to you.

Then reality hits and thats it. You have not proven your worth. I will throw you away. My pride rules my world.

I hate you for the hours of anguish you have caused. I did not need you in my life.

Once again i hate you. I do not need you in my life.

I hate you!!!!

Tonight you made me cry

The reality is that you ignored me at your party and for the past two weeks. I don't exist in your world.

And now there is a girl on your arm and your friends think your having fun with her. The thing is that regardless of it being true or false, i feel hurt and ignore. I have tears in my eyes for a guy that just doesn't seem to care.

Your world shows nothing of me. I don't exist.

It makes me cry.

Perhaps i never felt for the real you. Perhaps i should just walk away. Perhaps its time to say goodbye.

The power of a best friend

So when he does wrong by you, makes the tears flow, sets expectations way too high and shreds your hopes and dreams to pieces, she is there by my side, making me laugh, listening and caring.

I call her instead of him because she cares and he doesn't.

I tell her all about him because she cares and he doesn't.

But at the same time its all fun and games. Our lives intertwined. I love having a best friend again. One to share everything with. Open, honestly and everything.

The man that came between us is not worth it for the friendship that we have.

Off Off and Away

I love this feeling.

Does not matter where i am going as long as its somewhere.

I love flying away. I feel so free.

Goodbye my life for but a day. I will be back refreshed and ready to soar.

A measly text

A call would have been nice

So with two hours to spare on midnight I get a happy birthday note. It’s completely obligatory and nothing more. A call would have been nice you know? How are you, I’m thinking of you?

The thing is I barely know you. Its coming through right now.

And the other thing is I have wonderful friends. Friends that are in their own right making my life full and beautiful. You’re not filling a gap as there are no gaps in my life.

Yes we have something together. I think we get along incredibly. I’m not walking away completely as I can see us working out. But for now I don’t know about you.

Your murky. This is murky. Something is going on.

I'm leaving now. Thankyou. Goodbye

My Birthday 1:15 PM

He came across as a knight in shining armor. A prince who has finally found his princess. He wooed her with all that he had, denying her nothing less than perfection.

He called, he took her out, he opened doors, he graced her with beautiful flowers, he called her, made plans for the future and welcomed her with open arms into his life. She slowly started to put her trust in a man that seemed like he had his act together. A man that came across as a nice guy with the perfect amount of ambition, drive and excitement.

And then he changed back into a frog. She was no longer his prize. He stopped calling, he started putting her on bare minimum effort, hoping to keep her on the side just in case he changed his mind.  He no longer made time for, he no longer felt the need to be the man he pretended to be. He became someone else, the real him.

And she did not do anything. The man she met was changing but by the wisdom of her past and the wisdom of fairytale romances that only resulted in nights of tears and torture, she waited on the sidelines. One step in, one step out, her heart was still shielded and she protected her heart unlike any other time before. She didn’t push or pull as she would have in the past. She just let it be.

And now he is losing his glimmer. He is another man. She did not fall for him. She no longer wants to see him.

Her prince turned back into a frog and she is throwing him back to the sea.

My Birthday 1:23 PM

Its my birthday and he has upset me for not taking the initiative to call. This is the ultimate deal breaker. If he does not call today that is it. No more.

Throw him out. He is already out. But perhaps he will not get another chance ever.

His true colors are showing through.

My Birthday 2:12 PM

Now I hate him. I feel like never speaking to him ever again.

Its good I am talking to the wind. Conversations such as these can end in disaster. I am not as strong as I think I am. I crave to be loved and I crave for his attention.

In the absence of it I act aloof like I don’t care. Deep down it hurts.

He is a jerk. To show one side and be really another. What is these games he is playing?

My Birthday 2:53 PM

I’m feeling quite crummy today and its all your fault.

Why go for something if you are not into it? Your not even like the others. There is not dashing prince fairytale about you.

I did not fall for you immediately. You were a nobody with a clever job and able to climb mountains. I did not think much of your looks. Your not even my type. You are not a Malcolm or David of the world.

Yet I gave you a chance and you used your charms and pulled out all tricks to get me to fall for you. But now your different, you took all that back. Some parts I still like you but the personality which shone through and I fell for has disappeared.

I’m leaving now. Thankyou, goodbye.

Feeling a little better

Clearing the head. Seeing the positive spin in the world.

Lets not call it game over until it really is. No need to start a rebound process before the event has happened. Yes i feel crap but if i were to think why, its because i have been in similar situations with other men and its gone face up and i've stumbled and crashed and burned.

But thats where this feeling comes from. That he will do the same.

In all reality i was out with him on friday night, met his sister and all his friends on saturday night, he stayed over or i stayed over and he has not run away. He is still so sweet and holds me ever so gently in his arms. Perhaps he just wants to take his time through all this. Perhaps he is not a morning person. He is not running away. He is enquiring more and more about my life.

He is busy with work, thats the nature of what he does.  Its been many weeks and we have a rhythm forming. His flowers are still blooming. We are having magnificent conversations. His friends are trying to tell me he's a great person and accepting me with open arms as is his sister.

Yes there are moments that don't quite work. Why did he not introduce me to anyone. Why did he not admit who i was. Why am i being demoted to a friend?

The thing is i really like him. We have something together. We just need to keep that spark going. I just need to keep trying because while i don't feel right its because of experiences with other men. And he is no other man, he is different, has his act together and deep down i trust that he is a good person.

I think i'm losing him

Its that feeling at the pit of your stomach where you know things are not quite right. I don't think he see's me in that light. I don't think he's attracted to me any longer.

Sometimes a switch turns off in a person's head and there is not much one can do about it.

Other times in life i have frantically tried to salvage these moments and failed spectacularly. The thing is if he were into me i would know it. He would be at my doorstep wanted to rip my clothes off by now. The thing is he is not and any excuse i make is just that, an excuse.

The only thing i can do is to do nothing. Sometimes when things go south its just better to do nothing. Build up some value.  Be fabulous.

I still feel crummy.

Wallowing in self pity

Sometimes that is all you need to do. Just drop the high moral ground and wallow in self pity and hatred towards the world. Share it with a friend and take them off that high road and let them wallow too.

And sometimes it feels great. Because your usually always optimistic and the world is full of moments that take your breath away. But sometimes its ok to just say that you don't have it together and take that pressure off and breath a sigh of release.

Let it out that you hate him and that you may never speak to him ever again, let that thought contemplate and simmer and marinate. Fly away in your mind and share it with a friend and blow away all that steam. He'll never know.

Todays been great. It was great to wallow away and give myself a break for a change. And then pumping some iron and a run along the beach with my best friend, giving it all we've got and looking fabulous as walkers by checked us out, sweat and all.  Then its the chats and the conversations about being successful and happy and analyzing the men to death in that really safe environment made of only the best of friends.

Dreaming up destinations, life plans, collecting lessons learnt, what not to do, the book of scrapped ideas and guides on how to do it.

Sometimes you just need to let go to get it all back again.

On having a bestie

For the first time in my life i have a best friend that i can count on, call whenever and share the high's and low's of life with. It helps face those moments in life when alone you think through impossible scenario's in your head and push and pull your life in multiple directions thinking you can move mountains.

Sometimes the best you can do to help a blossoming spark is not to call him. So i email her twenty times a day, i call her ten times a day, i tell her every thought i have. I tell her that i miss him, that i feel hurt by him, that i think he is incredible and sweet. I don't tell him.

She keeps me sane!

That anxious feeling

Is it worth it? The good times are great, exhilarating and full of laughter.  But then the lows are anxiety in motion. This isn't what fairytales are made of.

So i'm thinking is it worth it? You know when a guys into you. He's at your beck and call. Is it time to retreat.

Cut my losses here and now.

I miss him

If i were to be completely honest he isn't loosing any glimmer. I am becoming more in love and more infatuated with him by the moment.

The real truth is i'm scared of getting hurt. I want to pour my heart out and cry but i know i can't. I crave for him so much that it hurts. And yes i'll find consolation elsewhere but it doesn't compare to how i feel when i wake up in his arms.

I'm falling in love with a man and its lovely and its terrifying at the same time.

Did i fall for somebody else?

Sometimes you meet men that seem too good to be true. Things just work without any drama. He takes you to two hat restaurants, opens doors, buys you flowers, calls and texts and can't get you out of his head.  He's making plans for the future and your joining him in all that you do and insisting he pay despite your multiple offers.  You think he's a keeper. You feel special. You smile.

And then all of a sudden nothing. You start thinking do i need to let him know i like him too. Why did he say he will call and didn't. And you make your move and he disapears even further. All those plans, all those moments, all of a sudden he's not so sure, he retreats into his own world.

And your out. And sometimes you can turn it around by ignoring him. Having a fabulous life. Hiding that he hurt you so that you can give him space.

And then there he is again, wanting to be your everything.  Little by little the strings are coming undone. He's not as classy as he made himself out to be, he's not as mature and astute. In fact he was merely trying to impress you in those first few moments until he had you.

And now its this rollercoaster if drama. The things i fell for, those sms's and sweet words telling me how much he enjoyed seeing me. I miss not having to worry about wheather or not he would keep his word.

Did i fall for someone else? Someone he pretended to be?

Is he loosing his glimmer?

Sometimes i ache to hear from him

I only saw him two days ago. We had a fantastic time. We connected. We laughed, we shared. He walked me to where i needed to go and kissed and hugged me goodbye. He said he would give me a call.

Its the first of an eternity of moments. Its the first few moments of anticipation.  My heart wants to hear from him. My heart wants to know that he is thinking of me. That he is missing me. That i make him smile. That i am special.

But in this world we live in we wait for the men to call for their get scared and run away if we are too into them. I am seeing him over the weekend. Till then i will wait on the sidelines.

My attention turned to another man i can call. Another man who will satisfy those yearnings inside. Another man who will keep me sane and keep me from calling the one i want.

So many times i thought this was all a game, that we were beyond this. But one too many times i have initiated and poured my heart out for a man to run even further. I know what i need to give him is space. Space to miss me, space to wonder what i am upto.

Its another man and I while we play these games to make it all work.

A place for a booty call amidst new beginnings

Sometimes things are going along swimmingly and you don't want to stuff things up. New relationships, new beginnings, it seems needs time to simmer and marinate before they turn into loyal, endearing, passionate relationships.

So all that nervous energy, all that temptation to speak to him, all that desire and fairy tales which form and live out their own lives in your head. How do you stop that from ruining these new beginnings, scaring your man away. How do you stop yourself from jumping him at the very first moment you get a chance before your truly ready to sleep with him in a way that lovers do.

He sweeps me off my feet one second and runs away another. I know its about letting it all marinate and take its time.

Sometimes turning to another man, no strings attached is but the only answer. Its that validation in yourself, its that confidence, its that feeling where you want nothing more than sex and you call him on your terms.

Until the man of your dreams corners you into a corner to have that exclusive chat, anything goes. He has my heart from a distance but he needs to let me know if he wants the whole package.

From the markets to hail storms to the Hilton in another city

Its been one of those days.

But lately those quirky odd moments seem more normal than not.

Waking up to the sun shining, putting on some tunes i think about what to do with my day.  Its 11 AM and after a nice sleep in i call my friend, who is also just stirring. We make plans to meet and head to the sunday market in forty five.  I catch a snippet of time in between a shower and another load of laundry to book a flight and hotel to Sydney.

I love wondering aorund the sunday markets. Ours is one of those trendy ones, where everyone looks so casual chic, the apples a perfect circle, full of color, full of life and culture. We catch a skinny latte and some french pastry over a nice long lazy chat.

Then its time to get down to business. I have exactly three hours to get my laptop, pack my bags and head to the airport for the 6 O'clock/

One foot in front of the other

To say i have an exciting life would be an understatement.  That exhilerating feeling that somehow i am making the world spin come in waves more often than not.

When do you speak to me? Today, yesterday, tomorrow, last year, next week?

You will get a different story, a different set of adventures, a different man, a different plan to take over the world.  I'm surrounded by lovely friends, a loving family, an abundance of admirers, a rich and fullfilling love life (albeit with its rollercoaster style ups and downs but it makes it all the more exciting). Life is a plethora of smiles and the occasional tear which all works together.

One day we are traversing the world, one cloud at a time, one mountain at a time, one hug at a time, one smile at a time. One kind look, one gentle gaze, one kind deed after another.

Life is about the moments that take our breath away and there are definitely plenty of those right now.

If only you could speak the truth

Sometimes all you want is acknowledgement, that you matter, that someone else cares and that without you, perhaps someone elses life would not go on.

I miss being important, feeling important.

Or is this growing up? Realising that no one is important?

It half past midnight and i feel down. I know i can't speak to any of my friends about it, i am all alone. Nothing wrong with that, just how life is. Perhaps i will never meet somebody.

Tears streaming down.

I miss all of him and every him that ever was and every him that will ever be......

Disapointed

Today while i was far above the clouds i started to question a few things. Then i started realising a few things too.

That you didn't want to see me over the weekend.
That you preferred to hang with your friends over me.
That you preferred not to ask me to come out hiking even though you knew i would enjoy it.
That you said you'd call but that you never did.
That you did not want to see me.
That you acted out of character to woo me and then threw away my heart when you realised you had it.

Then i realised that i don't really know you. That you are not who you made yourself out to be. You tried to be someone else. And i fell for that someone else.

I got hurt. I feel like crying. I got carried away. I never trusted you, that takes time but oh how i did try to give you the benefit of the doubt.

And now your loosing your touch. Your loosing that feeling of excitement. Your undoing that feeling.

Perhaps i have not known you before. Perhaps it was not you and i in Pompei. Perhaps you are young and immature. Perhaps you are not as amazing as you pretended to be.

Perhaps you are just another man, no more significant, no less special.

One last play

I have this feeling that if this were to work out that it would be it. I've met someone that really tugs on those heart strings, that my instincts are telling me is a good person and has all the right qualities and characteristics. The blemishes are coming through but it is making it all the more endearing and realistic.

He wants to be friends for a little while. He's a little freaked out.

Is this my chance for one last play. There are many a man to fool around with. It may be the last time.

He is the one that pushed me away just a tiny little bit. Surely if he wants me to himself he would make it clear. Corner me with a talk or something along those lines.

So its one last play for me.  Its like all of life has been a dress rehersal for this one moment. And this will be my last rehersal.

Opening night is coming soon.

Life above the clouds

On that rare sunny day while soaring far above the clouds with a nice tune in my ear i can't but smile at how beautiful it all is. The peach, the vastness, the emptiness and the possibilities. I close my eyes, i smile, i can barely contain it. This feeling of immense happiness to be there in that moment, above the clouds, going from somewhere to somewhere. I can hardly describe it.

While others hate the hassle of flying, the anonymity of an airport. I love it. I feel at home. I love the rush. I love living my life, watching others, the significance of leaving and coming home.

I feel as if it were where i belong,

I've been doing this for almost ten years and i don't think my feelings will ever change. I love that not a week goes by that i don't hop on a plane and head off somewhere, anywhere. I love feeling like the world is my oyster.  I love coming home to family, friends and a stable life.

Sometimes you realise that you have it all sorted.

The best conversation in the history of the world

Sometimes when it all starts going down the drain its tempting to say or do something to keep digging, creating an eclipse of a hole where you will never ever scramble out.

Now today i had the best conversation in the history of the world. In fact there is probably no one in the world that has ever done a turn around so great.

I listened to him, i didn't get emotional, i pretended i didn't even realize something was wrong and that all i wanted was friends. It was non threatening, highly civilized and he walked away with a sense of security.

So he had lots of kudos in the jar, plenty in that bank account of dreams and bonus points. With that one comment he made a withdrawal but he didn't close the account. I increased my value by being fabulous, by being busy, by having a fabulous time without him. He's putting his deposit's back in but at a high interest rate. 

As i said, the best conversation in the history of the world. I deserve a medal for this turn around.

Dear Gorgeous Flowers that know no better

You were handed over with the best of intentions, only the best ever for you with promises of friendship and love to come. You bloom away, unbeknown to the goings on of the world, lasting weeks, potentially months.

Yet your giver, the messenger of that initial whisper of sweet words has changed his mind. He no longer feels the same. Yet your blooming away in that vase at the epicentre of my apartment. How do you not know any better, that it hurts that you have outlived this mere romance. Are you meant to wilt away with the momento of his words. Do you see my tears?

I can hide but not forever. He has hurt me. I have done nothing.

I got dropped

So i got that dreaded call today. He's not quite sure about anything, not quiet ready, looking for an out. All that perfection, once more in my mind. It was no secret find, it was no twin flame, it was pure excitement and lust.

I fell for his charms and now i sit here and cry. Though not as bad as it would have once been. For i have friends and i have a good head on my shoulders these days.

He's just not that into me and it hurts.