Another year over, a new one just beginning

To think a decade has passed. Exactly ten years ago, it was the end of an era. I was with my best firends, school had just finished and we were about to embark on our future, leaving childhood behind and entering that new phase.

Wide eyed, it was cheers to us. With a hint of the y2k bug, the first moments of savouring a little bit of alcohol, of laughs and tears, we entered another decade.

Ten years on, i am all alone. My best friends, we went our own ways. Still in the same city, i wonder if they even think of me these days. Life has changed, we have lived, we have not shared our moments, we have become everything we wanted to be and everything we did not.

As i sit here all alone on new years eve, i think this is not the life i want forever. In ten years from now i want a doting man, perhaps a family but most of all, to fall asleep and wake up in the arms of another.

Who knows what life will bring, i'll welcome the new year with a smile.

On joining one crazy multinational

Think 2am calls, working around the clock, traversing time-zones and making the world your playground. Surrounded by brilliance and urgency, crazy schedules and falling behind for the first time in a long time, i step aside for a moment to catch my breath.

Is this what i want? Is this the price to be paid for success? Well actually i think it is what i want. The rush, the adreline, the excitement, the challenge. Its all apart of my life once more. 

Finally where i want to be, where i belong...

Sometimes life takes you on a journey of all levels of being all that is good and successful that you loose sight of where you ultimately belong.

I feel like all my life, a silver spoon has dished out a cushy life, sheltering with its gleen the passion which lies within.

For the first time i feel like this is where i belong. 

lying next to a man

There are moments in life. When you awake and find yourself lying next to a man, and he is within reach and just the touch of him makes you warm inside.

When he decides to hold you in his arms you rejoice.

And thats all you need....ever.. his arms protectively encompassing the essence of you....

Sometimes passion and love sucks

With tears in my eyes i say this for i have let the pride inside of me win.

Life has always worked out. Career, family, friendships, success, its like i have a map for the trajectory of sucess and all i need to do is float along. Love however is another thing. 

Ok the real reason i am even writing this post is that my feelings are hurt, i am hurting and there is a man that has broken my heart.

Maybe i did all the wrong things, maybe i don't know how to pull a man, maybe i was too eager or put too much pressure on. But its still hurts. He never got to know me, never really cared. I miss him now and i missed him lots. I have hated that i have missed him but non the less if he were to contact me right now my heart would light up and i would have a smile on my face.

I dont know if i should walk away, to give up. I sometimes wonder, this could be a chance of a lifetime to be happy, to be with my perfect man, do i let it go for pride and some stupid rules on love. Or do i lay myself out open to get hurt more and more. 

What do i stand to loose? I have already lost my pride. 

The answer is that i'm not sure. I don't know him so well, he does not know me. In some ways he represents who i want to be but not necessarily who i want to be with as a lover.    But oh how i would love to have him as a lover.

That night we spent together, with his body close to mine, with his arms around me, with knowing i could reach out at any moment and he would me mine. That was priceless. But so fleeting for he is here one moment and gone another. And he does not look back, he does not crave me, he so easily walks away. 

Without bothering to understand, without caring that he hurt me. 

I don't know. I just don't know.

I fell for a David Symons and he let me down.

Mistaking admiration for love

Its one of those small epiphanies which makes for a life changing turn in life.

To all the Max's and David's in the world, i have figured out. These men that i fall so hard for within moments, perhaps i am simply mistaking admiration for love.

He is everything i want to become in life. Am i filling in a gap? Am i mistaking a mentor for a lover?  Is it all one way? Am i not as interesting to him? Am i not bringing much of my own to the table.

And he said -- you are not someone i think i want to spend fifteen hours a week with at least for the rest of my life. And as harsh and painful as that is, its what i need to walk away.

Happy happy happy and only a little sad

Somewhere along the way i learnt to cook, hold dinner parties and became one of those people that one does not want to invite to dinner as they cannot cook as well. The stylish home, the status, the lifestyle, how did i suddenly come to have it all?

Life is going well, mainly except for a few blips in the man radar. Life is happy, life is full-filling. Life is fun and games. 

friendships under the radar

Without even noticing, they have built up. I am part of a team, i am one of them. Mutual respect, determination and timing. 

I'll miss them. They may be worlds apart but years of working together, joking around daily, being a team. I will miss them much.

A stage in my life is ending, i must move on, they must move on. 

Life ........ one day it will make sense.

Things i will not say to you

Dear David

You make my heart race, you make my daydreams come alive, you bring a smile to my lips. The heartache of certain moments seem almost bearable for those savored moments in time.

In a lot of ways you make a whole lot of sense when i think about it. I have not known you for very long, there is lots to know and lots to build. 

From the deepths of my heart i realise what i crave for is not even sustainable. That on must get to know and get to know another before making any commitments. You have withstood these unecessary pressure's well.

Time, space, getting to know each other is the way forward. I know where your priorities are and i too think its best to take our time, see if the conversations evolve, if we are meant to be. 

This is a turning point in my life, this understanding of what goes wrong. In all aspects of life hardwork, patience and timing is key and in matters of the heart its all the more important to think it through. 

Hearts get trampled everyday. I will still wear mine on my sleeve and lay it out for you to touch. 

I still think of you with a smile and i will call you sometime. I know you will answer with a smile and we will take it slow and take out time. We will let time decide whats to be.

I'll still smile when i think of you.

Feeling alive

Like a butterfly flying free from her cacoon, i feel completely alive.

Something has happened, something is happening.

Life is just moments to savour, with a new job in towe, a new place to live and a realisation of the one that is the love of my life, things are only looking up.

Something has started, something is happening

I am excited. I am happy

A turning point on the books

Something is coming, i can feel it. A new stage in life. A new beginning. At present i am getting my house in order.

New apartment, new found confidence, a refreshing outlook, a beautiful life.

Just think, next week it will be just me and I, with my ocean views and floor to ceiling windows.

Its a new beginning in which to build a life where i am happy and refreshed. 

Something is happening in the background, i can just feel it.

When you have it all but the man

Career progresses in leaps and bounds but what about me?

I can accrue people, sit in a management role, be everything i ever wanted at such a young age. 

And then what is it that i want?

A man to snuggle upto at night

That is all

And David

I miss David

I want David

Pity he does no feel the same

Pity he does not call

From the ugly duckling to cinderella - transformations in 1.5 hr

Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of time. Well 1.5 hrs to be exact.

So i may roll out of bed some morning completely hungover, hair a mess (and not in that sexy "just rolled out of bed" kitten way). I'll be trudging around being one of those nobody's who wouldn't even get a first glance let alone a second.

But then its so easy.  All it takes is some florally hair products, a trusty hair dryer and straightner, some magnolia body wash to go with some magnolia body butter, a little bit of MAC, a little bit of eye shaddown, perhaps a tint of a lip stain and some gloss. Add a sexy pair of boots and a designer handbag and what do you have?

Even i amaze myself each and every time. Going from a nobody to someone with the world literally eating out of ones hands. 

Transformations are amazing. Beauty is a matter of time. 

The glint in your eyes, that is priceless...

If only i could feel again

I feel as if the passion, the bright and sparkling eyes, the innocence of thinking the world is fair and opportunity abounds for those who dare to chase it, is slipping away. Is that only for the young and unaccomplished?

Having made it, and looking to the next step , the excitements gone. The wonder is no longer there, nor a goal or dream to pursue. Its like there is a mist surrounding life right now, and i can't seem to make my way out of. Just trodding along, doing good, not better, not worse.

Even love, i wish to be that starry eyed girl full of trust and warmth. I find it so hard to open up and love. 

Need to wake up. 

one last cry ... thought

Dear David,

 

I wish you could see how you could be my world. I wish you could see how we would be perfect together.

you the all powerful and indestructable. I the women that stands by your side. I have the world at my fingertips but i would stand by your shadow. I would be my own person, i would want you to open doors and place your hand protectively around my waist as you guide me through life.

Is that too much to ask? Is that not what you want?

And i call one last plea to the universe of wanting you Mr David Symons, that is before i give my life to the nice guy who treats me like a princess.

My heart lies with you but sometimes life comes knocking on ones door ...

Love is like walking on a plank in the ocean to an oasis

Its one of those shaky times, every little word, every little move, every little gesture, every little word unsaid has meaning. It has the power to make or break who you are.

In love nothing is easy. As is the rush of feeing when all is well, the intensity of all you have to loose is horrifying, paralysing. You crave for the lust, the passion, the effection and the adoration. Only time will tell of the outcome.

So he's on the other side of the world. One minute he can't get enough of me. The other too preoccupied in his own to care. Leaving me wondering, leaving me with tears.

Love is like walking across a plank in the ocean to an oasis. So much to gain, yet so much to loose.

My new Motto in life

To give it all i've got. Some will take it in full, some will take it in parts and some will throw it all away.

Time will tell when true love finds me. I should not expose my heart so much to hurt. I should protect it but also give out love to the world. 

I shall open my heart to honesty and tenderness. 

Climbing the ladder barely touching the rungs

Its another day in paradise where the men are a plenty, career opportunities abound, life starting to touch the sky and friends and family to support through anything life throws this way.

So the last week was when i really owned my first property, became a manager, became a national account manager and won my first very big pursuit.

This past few months have also been a turning point in my life, i learnt to cook and became healthy, i focused on me, great clothes, make up, hair, beauty and confidence. 

This is the year where life is taking off once again. 

Tonight i was stood up

Tears not quite emerging.

I wonder if he is thinking of me?

Your words of wisdom

I miss your company for amoungst the passion and excitement i also learn from years of experience.

Our last conversation, i took away something deep and meaningful. 

That

1. People want to trust someone else

2. People in high places just say things because they can, not because they know its correct

At a time when my career is starting out, i am climbing the ropes and succeeding these words of wisdom are just what i need to jump through hoops and to see the world for what it is.  To realise that the world is run by normal people like you and I and that the secret is to come to this realisation. 

That the world goes round not by some complex equations but because of those that dare to have faith in themselves, believe and take a risk. 

Your an inspirations, your just what i need. 

You have walked into my life by chance....

Goodbye Mr Nice

So i got prioritised one too many times. Maybe you were not so nice after all. For a moment there i thought i missed you. I thought you may have been the one.

You've walked away one too many times without bothering to know me. I never really felt it for you either, my mind with another man. Yet that other man, he was filling an emotional void i felt with you. He was just a way to boost my ego just in case you walked all over me.

Maybe i never saw you for who you really were. Come to think of it, your living off someone else's money, you talk of your grandmother's inheritance, the way you leech off me for comfort. Maybe you are not who you seem to be after all. 

I still shed my tears for you but this is for the last time. 

Goodbye - love, friendship and all

Dear Mr Man

David, how i crave to hear from you. I sit here now deciding between the one that makes my heart come alive and the guy that will stay by my side.

Together we could be indestructable. Together we could be a force of the world. Together we could save the world if we wanted, we could move mountains, we could almost touch the sky.

I wish you could see the picture in my head before i decide to turn away.

Unrequited feelings can only mean so much for so long.

Please give me a sign, a sign that you care, a sign that i am not just another girl.

That elusive him

And its another night alone, yet no longer feeling lonely. Life gets busy but sometimes it brings with it a smile. And then there are two men and then there are none but it does not matter because i have just bought my own little piece of the world, because my family loves me unconditionally, because my career is taking off in leaps and bounds, because my friends are beautiful, because i am beautiful.

I smile as i think of him. The one that came across so charming and nice, caught me off guard with just the perfect amount of nice and being a man. And although it never worked i still think fondly of him, of a boy i didn't try enough to hold onto. A boy i still harbour a little bit of hope for but in the midst of life have decided to leave a while.

And then there is the other him. That elusive man who steps in and out of my life, the one made for my daydreams. The one that makes my heart race. I miss him, i want him and yet i am too scared to call or make a move. He is perfect for me, essentially all i want in a man except that he is never with me, except that he does not want me in the same way.

So in between my perfect life i skip through moments of him, wondering, contemplating. It does not matter really. When the time comes, all will unfold. For now all i can do is smile fondly, wondering where life will take me.

Today i start a new life

Eyes bright eyes, motivation brimming, a tune in my step, a certain glint in my eyes, charismatic to the world.

I am the girl who is all of sporty, intelligent, attractive, fit, successful and overflowing with friendship and love.

Life is perfect and today is the start of a new chapter in my life.

Never underestimate a friendship

And when your world seems like its coming to an end, all is not lost. Those friends built up over years are not to be underestimated. Hours of conversation, laughter, life, dreams, hopes and fears. 

Discussion that one cannot have with another. 

Friendship is beautiful, across boarders, through history.

Back to square one

I was not honest. I did not get caught out. But karma rules above all and i am back to square one.

So the boy i did not appreciate figured it out for himself. And now i am with neither.  It was sliding downhill anyway.  Was the other night a desperate attempt at needing validation in another mans arms?

Tears forming in my eyes. He said goodbye. He's difficult to erase. 

Life seems noisy once more. All of a sudden or has it always been like this. Study sessions, multi million dollar deals, men that forget about me, success too stressfull, bills to pay, property to buy, a mortgage to pay. Put on that confident armour for work, a forced smile for life. 

Am i chasing pies in the sky? Is it time to settle with the one who knows me so well? Before my time runs out?

Temptation calls

and i go forth and conquer. Two men, one night and my heart flutters but the other way. I know in my heart the one i ache for. I know in my head the one thats good for me.

My heart will always rule my head, the passion, the excitement, the sheer joy of living. 

So with one boy its a home cooked dinner and a cuddle in front of the tele while with the other its cocktails in the hippest joint in town while discussing strategies for taking over the world. Pure ambition and strife creating an air of excitement, hands not able to keep off each other, attraction that knows no boundaries ...

Its too hard to say goodbye, its too hard not to let you back in. I smile when i think of you

The other just a comfort zone, where i think i should be, the security that i will always take for granted and a trust i do not deserve. 

i ache for the one that strives for the sky...

Memories of you

To the David's and the Malcolm's of the world

Tonight while i have my man it is you that i think of.  Neither of you treated me quite so right but there was something elusive and dangerous that made me think of you.

I wonder where you are these days? If you ever think of me? If i were mearly just another girl, another face longforgotten. 

I never made my mark. 

Life went on. I moved on. I smiled and laughed following the tears i cried for you. 

I even have another now -- but why are you still on my mind?

Five words for the one

Genuine, confident, trustworthy, reliable, honest

Five words to describe him

Accomplished, Posh, Selfish, Arrogant, Self-righteous

All at once or nothing at all

As murphy's law would have it, you either have no one or a stampede of men trying to knock down your door.

Well ok, a stampede is an exaggeration and none are keen to "that" extend, but it is like a floodgate has opened. An old flame who "never called" has found my number in an old bill "Oh i changed phones", another old flame wants to see how i am and even the waiter at my local french bakery leaves me his number with a chocolate eclaire.  Then there's that night of discussing einsteins theory of relativity with a best friends who could be more or what about the boy of the moment with whom i shared a glass of red on a roof top bar.

Yes its one of those moments where the choice is plenty but the stakes are high. Do i go for my Mr Big, hoping for my Carrie fairytale to turn true, do i go for the safety net of familiarity and trust, of shared backgrounds or do i simply go for the cutie who treats me well and life seems so easy with. 

Life is sometimes complicated, this time in good ways...only time will tell of the future but if i were to dream.....

It would be Me and my Mr Big

Loneliness

Its one of those moments where i feel all alone in the world. Memories of what used to be, of decisions made and friends undone.

In some ways i had the world at my fingertips and in other ways i let life slip me by. I sit here now in my apartment all alone on a sunday night wondering but what to do, fill of men that never cut it, with a career so successful it brings with it more stress than smiles, with so much money that i've too much debt. An immaculate apartment, a stainless steel world and only the best of the material world. A perfection of sterility which leaves no room for compromise.

I sit here today looking at wedding photos of a friend, of a beautiful bride and groom, a world which escapes my reach. A wedding i did not get an invite to because i swapped my friends to become a corporate gobetrotter. No guy beside me because i'm too strong and independent.

How do i reclaim my life? Why is it that the only thing calling is a management presentation? Why is life so difficult and stressful? Why have i not got a friend to call, a shoulder to cry on? 

Tears streaming down of a life that may become a has been, a never did happen. 

How do i turn things around?

New rules on life and dating

Rule No 1: Never sleep with a guy in the first three dates

Rule No 2: Never have more than two drinks on a date within the first three dates

Rule No. 3: Never have more than 2 drinks on a school night

Rule No. 4: Never pretend to be someone i am not

The rest will come but i think i have figured out what will be a solid foundation for the future.

The learning curve of life

My whole life, i meet men and mistake the lust and the sparkle for love. Those intense moments limited by certain barriers, time, space, location which makes it all the more exciting.

All those womanizers i dated that someone passed through my filters as romantic.

So this guy, he messages after midnight, its all about the drinking and convenience and will call when he's in town. My messages lay to rest for many a day.

I was dreaming of a lifetime together, clasping onto straws when there was no substance. Lust clouds judgement and that is all. Sex and love are two different things to men.

So i've made some mistakes. Slept with him too early and called him a few too many times. 

Whats a girl to do when she still harbours a little hope in her heart for him but is aware of the hurt and heart ache which awaits.

So the next week she will wait on the sidelines. She will be busy and she will not see him. Practise a certain self restraint and see what happens. 

If he is into me, he will make it happen. If he is not, then let it be.....

Love to hate to hatred

From love to hurt to hatred. 

Tears roll as i think of trust destroyed, hope shattered. I never really knew him, just craved for something that didn't exist. Something special, exciting, life changing. I wanted to fall crazy in love. 

In reality its another world. Am i chasing illusions? giving him a false sense of light? 

He just another egostatistical man, looking for a fling and preying on naive young girls with starry eyes. He's not who i thought he was.

Yesterday i dreamt of falling asleep in his eyes. Today i feel emptiness in my heart.

Just another Jerk

So i call him

He'd received my messages all along, he'd had a chance to get in touch, he just hadn't didn't, wouldn't.

So while i pinned away dreaming of him, he was back in sydney without a care in the world.

It hurts.

Who gives a shit yeah?

Probably best to forget a man like him.  He doesn't seem to be all he's cracked up to be.

Disapointment, tears, he's not worth it.

In a dream

So out of the blue when  least expect it, he calls. He had lost his phone back in hong kong and had gone through tests of will and testament to regain my number. Old phone bills, memories, he searched far and low until success, his perserverance proved a success.

And so to make it special when he lay eyes on her again it was with red roses and a moonlight walk along the beach. Her eyes sparkled, her hair glistened as he gently cupped her face in his hands and leaned in for a gentle kiss. With the ocean thrashing in the background against the sand and the whole world slipping away they embrace . Its just perfect, all the waiting and the trials and tribulations all seem so worthwhile at this one moment. 

If only dreams can come true.....

Waiting for a call

So once again i find myself with those pangs of anxiety that comes from wiaiting for a call. 

Will he? Won't he?

Does he love me? Does he love me not?

And over and over again it goes in my head.

I try to keep busy, i try to do things, i try to keep busy. 

My mind wanders, back to him, his gorgeous eyes, that smile, the way he made me feel.

Why is love so complicated?

I wish for him to call.

Hurt too many times

Sometimes i want to cry. Cry because i'm at that stage where there has been too many men, too many broken hearts. Its hard to trust someone.

I want somebody to love so badly, yet i also value my freedom and love feeling that special attraction.

But throwing down the towers around me is so very hard. What if he is not interested? What if i get hurt once again?

Sometimes i just want to say goodbye to these feelings i feel for him. They are too intense, too hard. 

I want to cry. 

I like him but he is not here. I don't know where he is. He is not making an effort to getting in touch.

Do i forget about him. just let it go cos life like that?

Moments of excitement

Once again i am in love.

In anticipation of exciting days, what may or may not be. 

I love the feeling and hate it at the same time. Passion flowing freely, trust cautiously appearing out of a shell, a few walls crumbling down.

And that small bit of fright, a little bit of scared for what might be, what he may not feel.

Isn't this what love is all about? I want to get to the other side but without these feelings there may not be another side.

So i sigh and i wait for the future to unravel.

Another note to S

Dear S,

Its been about 18 months now since we last set eyes on one another and about six months since i last wrote a note to you and sent it to the wind. 

Life has changed once again. The whole world has really. The financial crisis is beginning to hit my life and things seem not so stable. I wonder how you are going with it all? From memory you invested a lot. And those shares you advised me to buy, well they didn't crash as badly as others but crash they did. I think i'll hold onto them, hoping in the long term they will grow.  How has the crisis effected you, is that now your home or is it elsewhere?

And onto other parts of life, is there a special girl in your life? Yes the one that replaced myself? For me you see i have once again met the man of my dreams. Dashing, handsome, intelligent, successful, charming and confident.  He makes me feel so special. Its another one of those romances in the sky. Fairytales through another time.

Only time will tell how life unholds. Once again i hope your well. I think of you sometimes but no longer in that way. Still i wonder whatever happened to you and us.... 

Everything i wanted to become i became

What do you do when life has worked out exacty as you anticipated. Everything your parents dreamt you'd become, you have outreached.  Your walking on a tight rope high up in the clouds with no sign of falling off.

Confident in the world of men and ego's, you walk confidently into the future. Graceful, classy, powerful. The future just gets brighter and brighter. Succeeding in a mans world doesn't seem so difficult.

Yet the everyday politics, those notions creeping into your head as you wonder about success. Does it make you hppy?, do you need something more? If you need something more, then what would that be?

Life is full of questions. Sometimes we need to be careful what we dream of for dreams do come true.

As one door closes another one opens

So i've met the most wonderful man, perhaps even the one i have been waiting for. 

He's been on the sidelines for some time -- always planning to meet but never really making it.  It was somehow meant to be.

Confident, clever, good looking and just the type of guy you could spend a sunday morning with, looking dreamily into each others eyes. 

Butterflies, anticipation, special memories forming.

Life is good.

Nice just doesn't cut it

So its another goodbye. 

Was it that he was too nice? Probably not.

But he lacked a certain confidence, a certain bit of ambition, a certain bit of independence. Personality wise we are world's apart. We may be the same age but it feels like i'm a decade ahead. 

And maybe "nice" is simply not enough. It does need to be accompanied by a little bit of lust, a certain dreamy look into each others eyes and a tad of animal lust. You need to crave for your man. It is memories and those wonderful firsts that keep you together forever, keeps a flame ignited. 

Breaking up is hard to do.

Is it the nice guy that wins the race?

I thought of another him tonight. Another time when i thought i was in love with a boy who never quite treated me right. He had just the right amount of bad boy in him and candy dangling in front of my eyes to keep me on my toes and let the butterflies in my stomach rule my heart.

Oh how i cried for him and missed him and loved the way he dribbled sweet words and held me in his arms for moments in time. Often the smooth ones are the most dangerous, ridiculously passing as the "nice guys" when in fact they are the worst of them all.

So is there a time in every womens life, where she gets sick of all these jerks and decides that maybe, maybe after all,  a lifetime together is to be shared with the nice guy. Its that realisation that excitement and butterflies are fleeting, that memories won' hold you together forever, that in the end respect, trust, faithfullness and friendship are ultimate. That the man who wants to here you speak and see whats really inside of you before he hops between the sheets is really the one that you should be with.

Is this what growing up is ultimately about?

Another life, another time

Dear S

Its been over a year. There has been many men but only one city since i last wrote. I still think of you sometimes, wonder how you are, where you are, who your with?

But i don't miss you the way i used to. You are but a fond memory. I stopped craving for you. Those craving turned to other men.

And my life, its still going well. Work is full of excitement. Men are a plenty. I am once again in a stable relationship. This time with a nice guy - i think he may even be a keeper.

I fell for a soccer player you know. He was exciting and fun. He was the reason i forgot about you really. But then that all went to dust, as all things exciting seem to.

So i'm going to try out the nice stable good guy. Is my childhood of frivolity over? Is it time to settle down to life?

Only time will tell.

Be careful what you wish for - you might just get it

A few months back i was at an indian wedding and i walked away dreaming of meeting an indian man.

Come new years and who do i end up with. So i am seeing an indian guy, the type that you settle down with, the type that your intincts tell you to trust. The type of guy that will be by your side with a smile on his face.

So i say good bye to the fugitives and the soccer players, to the taken and the ones aiming into the sky.  

Its time to start living life, being a good person, being stable and happy.