An uncomfortable best friend

So i have this friend, we hang out all the time and not a day goes by that i don't speak to her. In so many ways we get along, the ultimate best friend every girl needs.

But then there's this part of her that flirts with every guy she meets and then she wonders why she ends up in all these situations. She even came onto my ex. We get along in so many ways except for this one area - men.

And its one of those feelings that come deep from my gut saying "danger, danger, go back wrong way" that comes everytime i'm with her and my ex or any other man.
f
She's embedded into my friendship circle so i can't go back. And more so i enjoy her company in so many ways but one. But that one is really about integrity and values, its to do with something so crucial about the way we are and who we are.

Can i turn a blind eye on this one?

Too much challenge or is it worth it?

Its one of those fight or flight moments where i have this overwhelming craving for the former but usually end up in the latter.

Sometime i think i challenge myself too much. I read those silly quotes on courage and read inspirational biographies about reaching beyond the stars and commit to things where i have to step out of my comfort zones.  Then moments before i always freak out, wondering if it will all fail in a miserable heap.  I felt like this moments before i jumped out of a plane, at 2AM while hiking up the himalayas at 4000 feet when i could barely breath, that time i agreed to build an ammonia plant for a nickel mine because i wasn't feeling sufficiently challenged with what i was doing and that other time when i agreed to take the lead for a 20 million dollar pitch.  I could go on forever.

The thing is everything has always worked out. And even when they hadn't i learnt a massive lesson and was given nothing but kudos as what i did achieve was still beyond sitting around doing nothing.

So deep down i know i won't fail. I know that as soon as i start speaking in front of those 70 people at the conference that i'll be in my element and the words will just flow out. I know that i've had sufficient experience to be the expert i claim to be. That my self doubt and imposter syndrome is just that and nothing real.  I know i've prepared and i know it just a little bit more to go.

I know deep down that once i've done it i will feel exhilirated, that i've achieved another milestone, that its another notch on my belt.   Even more importantly i will say to myself to do this again another time - not only to speak at another conference but to always keep stepping out of that comfort zone.

Thats why i signed up i guess.

It will work out.

You'll find out next week. Wish me luck.

Tonight i miss my first love

Its a wierd feeling tonight. Somewhat different to what i have been feeling for the last few years.

I met the first love of my life at university. we bonded over a mechanical chicken who could do the Micheal Jackson, over a Ball where i was the princess in the red dress, over crazy conversations and eyes that sparked with life as they met.

We were together for five years and we learnt to love, we learnt to hurt and we tried ever so hard to make it work. I do not think either one of us had lived enough at that time, or learnt the life lessons that we needed to learn. It was a hard breakup and we disappeared for many many years.

I traveled the world, made my career work, met many a man and had an infinite adventure. You found your own way in the world,  you found many women to love and made friends worth a lifetime.

I do not know what you are upto right now.

I do know that i miss you, i want to be with you, i think we went our separate ways and that now its time for us to come together.

We had passion, we had love, we had something.

I've never felt that with anyone, you still make my heart race, i want you back.

I'll try once more, your my missions and i want you to be a part of my life .......forever......

I love you......

To make it to B-school or not

Its that contemplative time in life again. I've sorted out my life, i'm happy-ish with friends, ecstatic with my family, happy with work and where i live. I love my life and its all going upwards and forwards.

So there's always that feeling at the back of your mind. What next? What are my passions lying dormant waiting to emerge?

Its coming down to B-schools. I feel the timing is right. I feel its what i truly want. I wanted to stay here at one stage to meet a man. But the thing is you gotta keep living your life. Staying still doesn't mean you will meet him. He could be anywhere in the world.

So i'll start on the study and the labourous hours of B-school applications. I know i can make it. I know i will get in. Heck - i even know i'll figure out a way to make it happen.

So right now i'm thinking of buying an apartment where i live. Not my own that i rent but another to rent out myself. The checkout for two years letting the renters take care of my world.  I could take a loan, i;ve heard that Harvard students are not much of a credit risk.

And what do i want to get out of it all? I want to be with the best. I want to push myself. I want to feel alive. I want to survive on a couple of hours of sleep and love every moment.

And this man that i am supposed to meet. Here or there or anywhere. He will be here or there. We will meet. I just need to be true to myself and that is head down and following my passions.

So little by little i'll pull the pieces of the puzzle together and make it happen.