Am i learning lessons in love

There were moments with us where i felt you slip away, yet i was patient for many a week. Perhaps the secret is to be patient for all men will come around if they truly love you.

What will be, will be. And i hope to meet the man of my dreams, whoever he may be.

Is it R, Is it G, Is it somebody else?

The first overseas trip I say no to

So i'm supposed to head to South Korea and for the first time in my life i find myself trying to get out of this. Its a changing of the tide. I recall two years back when i just wanted to travel the world. These days its getting a bit much and i crave for my life in Melbourne. I start not wanting to head overseas on these all expense paid five star business trips.

The reality of working 24/7 in a timezone not your own gets to you. As you get older and take on more responsibility, you can't quite get away from it all.

You are in my daydreams

And today at work there were moments where i could not stop thinking about you. i could almost feel your touch. I felt so happy. I couldn't wait for you to touch me again. Sometimes i close my eyes and try to feel you near.

Your gorgeous babe.

A bunch of suits talking philosophy

So last night we were squashed into a vintage counch and a few stools and sat drinking cheap beer and talking of plato and his cave and the existential nature of words out of context, just as if we were poor starving uni students.

Except that we were all decked out in suits and designer gear, blackberries beeping and all had PA's.

How we have changed, how we have not. Some moments are magic and last night was one of them.

It makes me smile to hear from you

It just does. I am beaming.

Perhaps you are my fairytale in the sky.

The other night as i lay in your arms

I had a feeling of security i have not felt for a while. I knew you would be here in my bed awhile. That you would be back. That i could reach over and touch your body and explore and kiss you where ever i felt like and that you would touch me back.

I love the effection that we share. I love how i can look into your eyes. This is a special moment.

I smile when i think of you. Right now i miss you. I long to feel your touch, hear you voice, see your smile.

Baby, i am falling in deep for you....

Are you playing games with me?

Yesterday i stepped out of my comfort zone and decided to test the waters of my heart. I sent you a message. Twenty Four hours later i have still not heard anything.  I'm retreating to the city, saying goodbye to that ocean and building up the barriers around my heart.

There is no need for concern, i know you will be back in my life. There is a feeling of trust i have with you. I just wish you could be more considerate. I wish i had the confidence to risk losing you. To open up and get mad at you every now and then.

I step out, i get hurt, i take ten steps back.

I will simply not call you for a long time coming. I will wait patiently on the sidelines for you.

Perhaps this is it

I'm really enjoying your company. You make me feel so special. Most of all, that anxiousness from the past is gone. I feel like your the man i can trust.

So different to many a man that came before.

Your not my usual type but perhaps this is how i have been going so wrong.

Your a gentleman and you make me feel special. I barely think of the other's these days, it seems they are well and truly in the past.

Your delicious.

I can't wait to kiss you

tomorrow

I'm starting to feel like your my man

I woke up next to you the other day and didn't wonder about never seeing you again and weather or not i should savour the moment because there may not be another time. I did not hesitate to touch you the way i wanted and to kiss you just in case you would feel i was needy. And you responded like for like with just a gentle squeeze of my hand.

Your beautiful. I love what we are together. We are learning about each other. I long to touch you again. I will get my chance tomorrow.

I love how you hold me, i love how you hold my hand as we walk down the street, i love how you can't keep your hands off me, i love how you kiss me.

The end of an era

Today i wandered around Borders for what may be the very last time. It was an administrators sale and everything, even the bookshelves were up for grabs. I have fond memories of wandering around, letting my mind discover all it could. That feeling of flicking through a book, the smell of fresh paper and the curiosity for other peoples lives.

It dawned on me that with all the online stores and ipads and technology that book shops will become a thing of the past. That whole generations will grow up not knowing this feeling of wandering through books. That libraries will become learning centres with the internet and couches and wifi connectivity.

The world is changing. A moment of sadness while i stop for a moment to ponder before joining the world once more.

Perhaps you and I are meant to be?

Dear D, or R, or R or G or D.....

Yes we may one day work out. You make me feel attractive, wanted and like i deserve to be loved. You have so much confidence in my ability.

Perhaps we are just meant to be?

who knows.....

KKKK

That feeling of exhileration

I was at work today and a massive deal came in and i got excited and i thought i knew something and then i did know something.

It was going to be an immense amount of work but i wanted to do it. I felt that rush and i wanted to keep working at it. No one was asking, no one even knew how to do it. I want to do it. I would love to make it happen.

I love that feeling. The sense of achievement. I genuinely get a buzz out of it.

Sometimes it scares me. The lack of focus on my social life. Or that i can get such a buzz and feel happy about something so material and not so soft.

Should i be focusing my efforts on a man?

Its friday night

And these days i'm not out all the time. My friends are few and far between. With each coming day, one by one, they get engaged, married, settle down, have kids and disappear off the face of a friday night.

Once a long time ago i recall having tens and hundreds of friends on a friday and saturday night, even on a thursday and a sunday.

These days i still have fun. I am a lot more confident and beautiful. But there is also many a night when i am sitting all alone in my wonderful apartment.

I have a man these days, but even he is too busy for me some nights....

Why momentary fairytales that eventually shatter your heart can be a good thing

For all the risks i have taken, for all the moments where my heart has been broken, for all those times i thought i was in love even though i only knew you for a second, a minute, barely a day.

All the men that were fireworks in the sky and oh so shortlived.

I thank you now for i have met a great man. And he is not fireworks in the sky. He is gentle and holds me so lovingly.

I fall asleep in his arms knowing he will be there in the morning.

Lovely.

When you know you've got it

So i was cooking dinner or my man in a red flowy dress that clung to my curves just perfect, gave that sneaky yet alluring peak at my great leg which were only just elongated by those gorgeous brown boots.

I'd just been to the gym, been for my run, feeling exhilerated, perfect grooming, had washed my hair and let it shine on.

He couldn't resist. Kissing me occasionally, not able to keep his hands and eyes off me and i cooked, longing in his eyes for me. He couldn't wait to finish dinner so he could have me for desert. And in his world i was a melting pot of hotness.

Confident as i've ever been. Looking better than i can recall before.

Making love so gently with him. He just couldn't stand it anymore......

Perhaps deep down i am in love

He's not the typical man i go for. But he holds me so tender, he makes me happy, he makes me feel wanted and i crave his company.

I feel that our differences are such that we can both learn from each other. I admire and respect him.

I also trust him.

I believe in him.

I think he makes a wonderful man.

the correlation between dating a man and a perfect body

Its not that i don't love myself or that i am trying to please him. I love wandering around in front of my man n my underwear, sporting that perfectly toned body.

And i;m not sure if i am just lucky or super motivated but its not that hard to have that perfect body. A few heavy weights sessions a week, a ten to fifteen km jog is all it takes. Occasionally watching what i eat but the thing is, i work damn hard exercising when i am seeing a man. And i feel all the better for it all of the time.

I feel more confident around him but more so i love my body, i love myself, i feel happier with the adreline rush, my skin is smoother.

If i need a man to motivate myself to be better then so be it.

Its been a while

I haven't held onto a man like this one. Its nice when we are together. He is affectionate, chivalrous, a little bit cheeky and has that boyish way about him. I feel like a younger self (not that I'm old but you know). Its silly and its fun and its adult and its gentle and i love looking into his eyes and falling asleep in his arms.

The other day we fell alseep together and i looked over and i thought we will not last. That you were a short term thing. I just felt in my heart that it would not be a forever.

So if you never call (i know you will), i will not push it. If you call i will be here. This is a time to enjoy each others company, revel in some childish fun together and let the sparks speak for themselves.

There are moments where i feel in love. Like when you held me so gently at the movies and kissed my forehead. The way you get excited at the first moment we are alone and can't keep your hands off me.

I like that. I like you a lot.

:)

We crossed paths but i don't think you realised

It was a funny feeling. You were crossing the road and i was walking by. You kept crossing the road, i looked down at my phone for a conversation and kept on track. We were within meters and seconds of each other and we passed each other by. I saw you. Perhaps you saw me. The reality is that, we know how and where to find each other in real life and we choose not to.

We live in two different worlds. It was pity that for a moment in time, we felt some fireworks and now they are dead.

When i saw you, my heart did not race.  I could see how i may have been attracted to you and perhaps i still could be, but for this moment in time, it was not to be.

I didn't feel any passion as you crossed the road in front of me. In fact i was thinking of my new beau.

Such is life....

Just a little bit sad

Or maybe a lot sad.

The thing is, two weekends have passed and you have not wanted to spend any of it with me. You fit me in during the week when you have a moment.

Its not really what i want. I feel tempted to just disappear.

Sometimes i cry.

Your remind me of a younger self. I don't know what this means.

I don't know anything sometimes.

Truly, madly, deeply. I want to fall in love. I want to look into your eyes and see that you love me. I would love to depnd on you and feel on top of the world. I want to love you so deeply and feel like it will never end. I want to stop feeling scared of getting hurt and living life in the sidelines. I want better judgement.....

I need to drop her

There are some fundamental flaws which i just cannot accept.

It makes me feel repulsive. Her attitude and the way she is so judgemental and dismissive of people disgusts me. Makes the hair's on my neck crawl.

I just need to drop her.

what is a soulmate?

I turn thirty this year.

My mad rush to have found my way in life and love has disappeared. I won't be married by thirty. I have no line of sight to.

I don't even know what love is these days and if a soul mate exists. I've fallen for mens in exotic moments, fairy tales so out of reality that thats all that will always be. Moments of temporary happiness and excitement that is essential to the every element that makes the world spin.

I am seeing a boy these days. I'm scared and happy at the same time but twice removed. If he leaves tomorrow and never calls back, i may shed a tear or two barely, but life will go on.

The best thing about your first love is the ignorance that it will never end.

The worst thing about wisdom and experience is knowing that its not the end of the world and that you can survive.

Sometimes i just feel empty. I wish i could just take a risk and tell him i love him and not worry about the dire mistakes i am repeating and the lessons that i have learnt with all the times it did not work.

I am growing older but the wonder of the world at large and fairy tale romance is fading into the shadows.

Savoring moments of magic

Its that dating game, not quite committed but neither looking the other way.

Most times i feel good, sometimes i question it all.

Deep down i really like him. I smile when i think of him.