Oh to be driven again

Its Christmas Day and i am all alone in a big house. My new place really in a nice trendy neighbourhood. I thought this was what i wanted.

Its only now i realise i don't really have anyone. I have family but i dont appreciate them enough. Right now i should be home with them. Not here on my own.

Friends --> i don't have many to call real.

My life is not so busy anymore and i need it to be busy. Thats when i am at my happiest, when i am driven, busy, determined to succeed

Right now i am lonely and sad. I just want a friend and a hug. To feel the excitement of being alive. I dont know whats wrong with me, i've spent the last six nights going out and drinking with different friends. i should enjoy quiet time on my own.

I guess being alone of christmas is pretty sad

I used to know what i wanted

Last year when i graduated, or even the years before i was sure i was different to everyone else. I knew myself and i knew what i wanted out of life and what i wanted to become. I thought i've been working all this time, nothing will change now.

Yet little did i realise in less that a year my whole viewpoint has changed. Maybe i thought i was more mature than i actually am, maybe i am actually less mature and am only now realising what others realised long ago.

So my new life and this is what i see
* I dont have all the answers and sometimes being stubborn i ignored reality even when it was right in front of me
* Doing the honourable thing doesn't always pay
* Money does matter ( to a certain extent at least)
* I don't want to be an engineer and am more commercially orientated
* You can never really take a break and stop from life --> even if you were successful to continue to be so you need to keep pushing and trying
* Its getting harder to motivate myself
* Everyone needs a place to call home
* Friends are one of the most beautiful and important things in life
* Family is also --> Will always be by your side no matter what
* Right now if someone can't make you number one in their life then they are not the right man for you and by holding on you will eventually get hurt and letting yourself become the victim.

Well right now my mind is in a whole new career mindset. I like engineering to a certain extent but its the sales. strategy, marketing, business development side that really takes my interest. Right now i am doing a online course on marketing just out of interest because i can't wait until i sort out the masters/MBA issue.

Now thats another issue in itself
--> Do i study for the GMAT and try and find the time/money to do one at a wolrdclass university

or --> Do i just enrol in an online course which will take me now and just get on with learning something

or--> Do i drop the MBA idea altogether and just buy the books and do the study and dont worry about the actual qualification as the skills will carry me thru. But then you probably need the formal qualification to move forward through an organisation, to open doors.

So once again lots to think about as this year draws to a close. I am 25 and i guess i have time on my hands to make this decision. I just feel like i am standing still at times and feel i should do something. Would having patience be virtue in this case or stop my progress?

Moving on

One of the hardest things to do, not giving into temptation, realising that the pain is worse that the pleasure.

So i say goodbye to the man with a wife and kids, and welcome to a life full of fun, adventure, romance, friendships and honesty.

Honesty is one of the most important qualities a person must possess to really be great and respected. Without it one is nothing.

A friend has come through for me in such an amazing way. To have someone say to you " call me whenever you need to, even if i am at work, i will be there" , and its a promise which rings so true. Thats the mark of a great friendship and one i am truly greatful for having.

Life is about having beautiful friends who surround you, and S and J , you are two amazing people in my life that i love so much and couldn't live without and i know i can depend on you for a shoulder to lean on whenever i need, and i will do the same for you in a second.

Big Items to Purchase

And today i bought a brand new car. It was one of the most simplest things i have ever done really, although a lot of money will be spent over the next few years.

This is a sign of growing up, that i've sort of made, that life is easy. I'm 25 and its my car and i did it myself. Its scary in a way too that i'm getting older, life gets easier and harder at the same time.

Its funny, having it all doesnt make me so happy, i'm not as excited, i didn't even think about it that much really. Its like life goes on.

Maybe i am just burnt out, i haven't had a break since february and life has been full on. Maybe i just need a rest.

I can't even find a song i like

So i bought a new car --> why am i not happy?

On Falling in Love with a married man

At the end of the day, deep down i realise it will never work. If i had of known at the start that he was married i never would have gone into it. Yet he didn't tell me and i fell head over heels. Sometimes i convince myself i haven't, but i think the truth is i have and sometimes i let my busy life cloud this fact and deceive myself.

Its times like these when i realise why this is not a good idea and i should just let it go. That it will get harder and harder as time goes on. I feel down right now, right at this moment --> yet i have no way of contacting him. I can come online and get more and more depressed, thats about it.

I said to myself, when this gets painful i stop. I think this is the time. Its tempting, its hard, i'm not even sure how to stop, but right now, at this moment i recognise that it is making me down and unhappy and unsure and sad.

Now to act out my words

Big city life!

So there is a difference between Melbourne and Brisbane, or is it all in my mind, or the fact that this is where i grew up....

The relaxed yet still moderately busy, challenging in a good way, interesting and adventurous lifestyle is gone. After 3.5 months i am back in the Melbourne 'mush' and life sure has sped up and i feel like i am living 30 hours in everyday. And coming back to this, I'm finding it difficult to fit my life in as it used to be, like those gym sessions i should be going to.

So I'm contemplating MBA schools and investing in an apartment or buying my own place, rethinking where i want to go with my career and wondering what in the world i will do about my love life. Its not like i am havng fun as well and its all work work work, no not at all......

Monday night i was out on the town, tuesday i lazed around taking advantage of the public holiday, thursday night i went out for dinner and some bottles of red. Friday was a quiet one, mainly because there is something wrong with my phone, saturday morning was running around an info session at the melbourne business school and then a hens night which got too queit so went out hitting some bars.

And then we get to today, random wander around the city marvelling at its beauty and how lucky i am to be able to call it home. Watching a band at the greek festival in fed square before heading over to see a some beautiful pictures at the Earth from above Photography exhibition on the Yarra riverside to the side of Federation square.

I managed to make some ammends with an old highschool friend who i might catch up with later this week and have plans to meet up for dinner with another really good friend for wednesday night. Despite being out almost every night i still haven't seen everyone thats in some way an important part of my life. I guess i am licky in some ways like that too......to have so many friends --> but sometimes i have to wonder how genuine they are.

Also managed to have a great chat with another friend from canada who i met in Brisbane who has been in the middle of nowhere doing site work for the last three weeks. Had a good chat about being the only female on site and the implications that has on your sex life.

Who would think in the middle of all this that i actually work full time heh.maybe what this blog entry is relaly telling me is to slow down, relax, and not do so much!

Another new start

Starting a new job is really difficult.

I do it so often rotating around the company you would think i would get used to it. But you go in meeting new people and no one knows who you are. And you start all over again, you suddently go from being great at what you do to knowing almost nothing.

You have no track record and you need to build up a reputation once again. Sometimes this period is depressing because in your mind you are like i had something great and i wanted more from life so i left what was great in search of something greater.

Sometimes that something greater brings pain and sadness. All the changes, the unfamiliarity, the instability. I'm a successful strong beautiful fit intelligent adventurous women with the whole world in front of me, and yet all i really want is a man to give me a hug and hold me in his arms and make me feel special. I crave it, crave it soo bad it hurts.

So is all this worth it. I'm tired, tired of reaching for so much. Am i burning myself? Is this what this feeling is? Its not like i work long hours and weekends are saved just for adventures and partying. So how could i be burning out?

I guess for now i will go along with it. Cos really my life is geat, even amazing. I just don't know why i feel so down sometimes.

Thats all

And i miss him

Falling in Love

Until about three weeks ago i thought the days of falling madly, passionaltely crazy in love were over. That those feelings were about a first love when you were younger and didn't really know yourself. When you hadn't been hurt before so you didn't realise the risk you took in hurling yourself head first into love. The days when you hadn't discovered who you were, so it was easy to make yourself fit with someone else.

I Thought as you grow older its about compromising, working at it and being with someone you like, but the magic is of another kind.

Until i met one man, the perfect man for me really. And one super brilliant amazing week where there were no games, just two people madly in love who wanted to spend their time together. Intellectually, physically , emotionally , it just worked.

But now he lives on the other side of the world and i have memories of one fabulous week. And then i find he has a wife and kids.

So what does that mean?, everything i felt was based on a lie. But then was it all a lie?, He is thinking of leaving his family so does that mean his feelings were really. That we accidently fell for each other?

I still feel the strength of emotion, i still think a lot of him..........so do i say goodbye to the one guy that brought magic back into my life or do i jump right in and see where life takes me?

Another year gone.

So its been a year and I've lost and found this blog again. It really interesting reading something which i wrote a year ago. It almost feels like a whole lifetime has past in between!

Looking back i've become more humble and modest and have realised i don't always have all the answers. Its not really a loss of confidence because that's still there and going strong, just an understanding of my presense in the world. Realising that while i may be the centre of my world, its not neccessarily the centre of other peoples.

I've acheived a lot, i've matured a lot, i've gone from strength to strength but i have also failed and survived. Things that were missing in my life before i've been working on, so to sum it all up i would say i am moving backwards.

I lead an exciting life with a successful career, lots of travel, weekend adventures, great friends, great career, great relationship with family .......in no real particular order.

I'll try to keep this up to date, random ramblings and thoughts as i elaborate on my life.