The wheels are in motion

So i'm thinking if i can run a 10 or 22km in 4 weeks time, and then a 22 in october, and then some intense trekking around patagonia in october, i'd be all ready to go for a 42 in New Yoke City.

On thinking positive

So someone made a comment the other day and i realised how negative i can be. I have always thought of myself as a glass half full person, heck even the type that would consider the glass to be brimming and about to tople over. But the thing is, that attitude is for my career where everything i touch seems to turn to gold.

So how about applying that same attitude to my love life. Instead of waiting for him to call and feeling anxious why don't i just assume he will and look forward to it, whenever it may happen. I only need to get into this disapointment if need be. At work i always catch myself in moments of doubt, reminding myself to stop this fortune telling behaiviour. How could i have been so blind not to see what i was doing to my personal life this whole life.

So the past few days i have been having a blast, catching myself in moments of negative thought. I've been busy, i've been running, I've been hanging out with friends, I've been shopping, I've been seeing my parents.

I feel on top of the world, mostly....

Its time to find another adventure

Hugging rabbits on the street playing guitar, good times over a dirty gin martini, the night meeting dawn in the city, midnight picnics.

Its time to throw it all in the air once more and leave the comfort of everything i know in search of adventure. Its time to do something once more.

Its time to submit that B-school app and seriously consider living in a castle for a year, its time to sign up for that marathon and its time to climb another mountain.

I've been kicking some serious goals lately

The other day when the men of the world were throwing tantrums and screaming out their lungs amidst a chaos and fire and later in empty apologies and group hugs following warnings from HR, i pitched out a cool, calm collected solution and i could just see the relief in the directors eyes.

He looked at me and asked, "what do you need me to do?" and i was like " Nothing, its pretty simple and under control".

And i realise that i have the expertise, the people skills and the influence the make the world spin. And i love it too, the adreline rush of making it all happen with speed and intensity.

And in the midst of it all i forgot to get upset by you. I know you have not called but then i was not expecting you to. At the back of my mind i still harbour feelings of fondness for you, but today i was just too busy making the world go round.

I still think of you though, just not as much and i'm not upset for some reason.

Group hugs aka networking sessions

There's been a few of those to come lately. The other night there was that networking session with about 10 CEO's and various upcoming leaders and high flyers. We got an inpirational talk on how to take over the world and a few tips and tricks to help us along the way. Afterwards it was drinks and nibbles while playing the corporate networking game.

Accidently ending up in a conversation with a man that runs half the world, i had nothing to say. I enter into random comments and conversations on developmentment loans vs venture capaital and glaze in and out of various conversations.

And then i met you. It turns out we did Mech eng back in the day around the same time. Perhaps we had passed each other by in those uni days. It turns out that you had considered moving to the outskirts of Paris to live in castle and do your MBA but that you had decided otherwise and committed to one on home ground. It turned out that you had gone to the states and started your own business and secured some venture capital and set up a successful business. It turns out that you returned when the business was running fine without you. Back home you found work on level 3. I am on level 2.

And it was so easy to tell you so much. How i traverse the world, about how i once moved a river, of how i once looked into getting rid of a hill. I told you about climbing mountains in the himalayas and shopping to my hearts content in Paris.

So really, this guy truly is my perfect man. On paper. One thing that disturbs me, especially as i feel this way is that he is Asian. And for some reason i have never been able to picture myself with an Asian man. Is this racism at its worst?  Why do i feel this way?

Either way i walked away feeling electrified. I loved the conversation, the drive, the confidence. If he was brown i would have falled staright away.  He still makes a partial bit of my heart race so its not game over yet.

And what about one once a week man? How do i feel about him?

Another best conversation in the history of the world

I was anxious all last week. A guy at work had done something i felt was just so unjust. I reacted and i felt the blood boil inside me and i felt on edge and anxious.

But somehow all that emotional intelligence training came to mind and i reaslised that i was feeling not quite right and that a chemical reaction was taking place in my head and that i wasn't about to do anything rational while i was feeling this way.

So instead of escalating or screaming back or picking up the call, i simply did nothing. I thought it was best to wait until i was feeling good again. I tried to figure out what experience in the past was making me predict some unfavourable future event which was making me feel so anxious.

And all weekend i was on edge. The weights sessions, the gym, that 10km run helped. It got to sunday and i had the perfect body again and i had so much adreline in me i felt like i was on top of the world. I messaged him to see if he wanted to come over and he did.

And while i'd been out with friends all weekend, i just couldn't get myself to let them know what was wrong. But i told him about the problem, about how i was waiting for rational thought and about how i was coping with it.  By that time i had a solution which was to escalate the issue so i told him that part too.

And he gave me an anecdote of how he was on the recieving end of a similar situation and some really simple advice. Why don't you just tell him? He will appreciate you not escalating and letting him have his say. Your manager and his manager don't need to waste their times solving silly problems.

And i consdered it. In my head i thought it would never work but committed to trying it. I let him know that i would take his advice.

And the next it all went so smooth. My explanation worked on the guy at work. I got my way, he apologised and i could feel that he felt grateful for me not escalating it. He felt bad for all the times he had escalated things on me. I was definitely a better person.

And after that conversation, that anxiousness was gone. I was on top of the world. My manager was impressed, all was impressed and i had kicked a serious goal.

Back in the day i thought i was always right. Part of growing older and wiser is realising that you don't have the answers and other peoples ideas should always be considered, no matter how wrong they may seem.

I got an executive compensation award and i thought it was SPAM

I always get caught by those phishing emails telling me i've won some lottery and to click here to collect my prize.  But this time i thought, Ha! Can't get me, i know its bull.

And a week later when i get asked why i don't want to accept my 5K of restricted stock options and stare blankly and mutter that its on my list of things to do.

So how did i get it? Will i get i every year?, Will it keep increasing? Have i made it? How do i continue to do whatever i did to get this?

So now i'm happy and excited.

I like him, i love him, i like him not, i love him not

I wonder how i feel about him? Am i scared? Do i question who he is? Am i simply too scared to get hurt? Do i miss him? Do i crave him?

Sometimes in the world of love, you just want your man to be honest. You want to fall in love in his arms and make love all night and wake up in his arms and have him squeeze you tight in the morning.

And instead he texts you a week after he last saw you, comes over for a DVD and sex, tells you about his big weekend out partying without you, jokes around while watching the amature movie, makes love to you while you fake an orgasm and he decides to eventually cum, an obligatory cuddle and then turns around and falls asleep.

And then you lay there feeling unsatisfied and cold, wishing to feel his arm around you like he used to. In the morning you wake up and try to touch him. He is asleep and refusing to even notice. You get out of bed, unsatisfied and emotionally empty. You get dressed and go to work.

You might here from him a week later.

Is it worth it?

Accidently dating an Alpha male

So when i first met him, he seemed so sweet and innocent. He was a young guy that seemed to be smitten by me. Soft, beautiful, considerate, charming and sweet.

But these days now that he has me and now that he lets his true self slip i realise he is my type after all.

The quintessential alpha male.

Dear John

I watched a movie tonight about timeless love. Dear John and the Notebook.

Of all the love you could have in the world, that is the one we aspire to. In the tragedy we cry at the missed moments. Of a love thats so real and true.

I crave to meet a man where my heart will race. That holiday romance that also lats forever. The man you meet on your tropical island and you can't even think about spending time away. 

Reality is hard. I watched Dear John and i couldn't figure out who dear John was. All the men of the past are no longer as apealing.

So there is R and G. Neither who are fairytale romances. Both men that hurt me occassionally.

Life is actually beautiful

And these little things i worry about are little blemishes on a magnificent sunset.

No he hasn't called but i know he will. He has done nothing wrong and the world is spinning a tad faster each time he does.

I'm just going to enjoy it for i am beautiful, i have an amazing life, a guy to dream about, friends and family that love me.

My life is perfect, really.

Lets not get so focused on this little blemish that i miss the sunset.

I wish i knew what i wanted

The thing is life is beautiful. Men are a plenty.

I get hurt by him.

The reality is that i don't know how he feels. I struggle to have conversations with men.

Am i overreacting? How do i learn to communicate better?

I'm disapointed in you

I wasn't expecting you to call.

If you had of though, i would have been ecstatic.

Your behaiviour is consistant.

I'm bad at communicating. I have tears down my eyes. I don't know how you feel. I don't know how i feel.

I would have loved to hear from you this friday or saturday night, the ultimate in the dating world. Yet you don't.

I'm not getting what i want from this. It's too much of a rollercoaster. I'm scared of getting hurt.

I think of G. I miss him. He know how to make me special. He also knew how to hurt me. I don't know what i want. It seems like its not you.

I need to see more passion from you. I need to feel that i am worth it.

Do you realise that you hurt me?

I'm afraid to have that conversation with you

For i am not sure of the answers either. I don't know what i want to ask for.

I want that fantasy love story where you just can't get enough of me. I know it takes two but i want it to come from within yourself. I want you to make yourself kind of the datable box and push all the other men out and make that box into a one man show. I want you to get to Friday and crave to see me. Right now i am a once a week romp.

Speaking to you about this could go in two ways. I could scare you off and then i will know for sure we are not meant to be, or you could reveal your true feelings and we will be on the way to exclusivity and becoming a real couple. I'm not sure if either is what i want in intensity.

I still harbour a hope that G and I may not be over. That there is some deeper connection i am meant to have with him in this lifetime.

For the moment i think i should let things be. Yes i could loose him altogether. But right now i don't think i am ready to make that move.

Yes i love him. I am falling for him. I wish he would want to see me more often. Its not enough for me to force it. I want a man that wants to make me feel special and wants to treat me like a princess. A double standard maybe................

Your the only one that did not call

So i have many a man calling me all friday and saturday night long, competing for my attention and that oh so hard to get date. And i consider then and i turn them down and they keep chasing even harder.

And then there's you. The man i want to be with. You get me when it's convenient for you.

I wonder why you do not call on a friday or saturday. As a man why you don't want to claim date night and me. Why you leave it open to chance for another man to enter my heart, take me out and move in on your space.

I'm scared to give myself to you, incase your playing games with my heart. No other man means as much but there is a little piece of self preservation in me that does not want to close any doors in case you hurt me. Right now i am hurt that you do not crave to see me. It hurts that my favourite part of being with you is waking up in your arms on a saturday or sunday and all you can spare is a late night romp during the week.

Is it the ups and downs with you that i crave? Is it the drama? The men that are right in front of me are making no mark.

I still think of another. Sometimes i think i should just let things be and let you decide i am worth it or not. But this is for another reason. For there is a man that stole my heart some time ago, and i have claimed back most of it, but he still has a tiny little spot and i harbour a little hope that he will call me up and offer to swoop me off my feet. And when he does make that call, i'll be free as you have not bothered to make me that special part of life.

Perhaps all i should do now is enjoy the moments and let life unroll.

I should stop playing these silly games

I know who i am in love with. Sometimes i think i should act like it.

I thought about him all last night.

I was on a date with a farmer boy tonight

And i ordered an eggplant moussaka and he questioned the fact that i had no meat in my meal. Usually i would too.

But thats what i wanted to eat tonight.

Am i just missing you?

Tonight i went on a date with an old flame

And it wasn't meant ot be so much fun. I kind of did it out of obligation and curiosity. I met up with him to be friends and keep it light.

But i enjoyed the conversations, his mannerisms, his availability and the conversation that flowed.

I got away early but not because i wanted to leave him. I was having fun and a tad confused with myself.

And the boy i am in love with did not bother to call. He slots me into the days that do not matter.

Life is odd sometimes. I have two men and i have none. Who know's how the world will turn out.

The hardest thing is that i just want one man. The one i have already. But i want him to tell me he loves me and see me on fridays or saturdays. To make me feel like i matter. To make me unavailable to such dates as tonight.

If i was with him tonight, i never would have gone on this date and i never would be reconsidering so many aspects.

I miss his arms around me

I wish i could fall asleep in his arms every night.

I love him, i trust him, i want him.

Its upto him to decide the same. I am his if all he wants is me. I would love to spend the rest of my life with him and no other.

I think we would be happy together. Powerful. The happiest couple in the world.

I'm in love with you babe. I hope you feel the same.

On meeting the man of my dreams

And last night was amazing. Our conversations, that gaze, the way we are entirely in tune with each other. The way i fall asleep in your arms, the way i can't get enough of you.

You are the man of my dreams. I am on cloud nine. You looked deep into my eyes and kissed me. You held me all night long. You swept my hair to the side.

Your my soulmate. I think i love you.

Perhaps it will be you and I forever....

and then you throw me a bone

A measly text and one whole world explodes in excitement. The tears are replaced by a smile. What is this rollercoaster i am on.

Why do i crave this high? Is the downturns worth it.

I think it may be. He was thinking of me. He messaged. He wants to see how i am. I can't wait to see him again.

If only i could remember this feeling when he goes MIA. If only i could bottle up this feeling and savour it another day for i am brimming with happiness.

Reality is that i will only be able to take this dating on for so long before it drives me crazy. I wonder what it is that he is feeling?

Why do i feel like crying

Love is a rollercoaster and sometimes i want out.

Last wednesday and thursday night i was on Cloud nine. He was paying attention and i felt loved and wanted and beautiful. Five days on, i have not heard a thing more and i am down in the dumps.

Crying my eyes out. Not sleeping. Wondering. Watching my phone.

I hate this. Perhaps relationships are just not meant for me. Its just too hard.

Perhaps this waiting game is stupid. Perhaps all of it is just stupid.

A lovers show down. Or does he just not care. This is so like him. From the day i met him. I have never let him know it upsets me. I don't want to feel too needy.

I hate this feeling.

Reaching for the sun in my downward spiral

When he calls or sends me a message my heart skips a beat. Yet when he goes quiet for many a day or a week i fall into an abyss of darkness. Not sleeping, anxious, dreaming of him running off with someone else.

I need to stop being so scared. Sit back. Enjoy life. Wait for him to make his next move.

Today i went for a run. I felt better. I tried to understand my feedling. The past hurts that are making me feel this way.

I feel a little better. I understand the world a little better.

I am still learning but i will survive.

I'm scared you will break my heart

I didn’t here from you all weekend. I miss you. I am looking at my phone wishing you would think of me and call.
I’m scared.

I'm afraid to give you my heart incase you stomp all over it and then throw it away.

I miss my man

And he is mine. I can't wait to hear from him.

These silly games we play are not really needed. We are both in love.

His smile makes my day. His touch melts my heart. I could fall asleep in his arms for an eternity. I crave to wake up to his hug.

Locking lips, locking hands, locking eyes.

With you it feels like i am on cloud nine. Life is perfect.

One day i'll fly away

I am falling in love with a man. Dear G, one day i'll fly away and you will be too late for another is entering my heart.

I thought it would be you and i in eternity, reliving the ecstacy of a history we have both shared. I still feel you close. I still feel i know you. You have walked away and i keep thinking you will look back at me. You never seem to though.

There is not much time left in this lifetime for I am about to give my heart to another. Another soulmate where life will be blissful and perfect.

This is your last chance for now. What say you?

I'm scared

The other day i was on cloud nine. I had seen you that wednesday night and it was wonderful. I could see the attraction in your eyes. The care for my by the gentle way you held me.  The way you pay attention to who i am.

Then you messaged and we kept at it back and forth. I was all smiles for you. I still am.

Its just another weekend has passed and you have not called to see me. There are some nights that are more special than others. You do not want to see me during those times. The best times with you are waking up on a saturday or sunday morning in your arms and cuddling and looking deep into your eyes.

I'm scared to make a move because of every other man i have dated that had disapeared when i did make that move.

Its that fragile moment. I'm scared. We are standing still.

So he texts me, seven days later

Its just that its been seven days. And you did not think of me during the week or feel that urge to hang with me over the weekend. You've become complacent, hanging out on sundays with a moments notice.

Or perhaps there is someone else in your life and you just slotting me in. I think this is not the case. My insticts tell me this is not the case.

I think this time i will make you sweat it out a bit.  I don't feel like seeing you anyway. Not today. I have other things to do.

I never envisaged my perfect man to be him

My perfect man has always been the D's and G's of the world. Those incredibly driven and powerful men who seem to think they own the world. The type of man by which the world bows down and follows.

With that power comes a certain level of ruthlessness. A little carelessness when it comes to ones own feelings. Will i ever even be good enough for these men?

And then i met you. Light, carefree, young, enthusiastic. You are a go getter in your own way.

Sometimes i wonder about a future for us. I smile when i think of you. Even when you hurt me by not calling. I think that perhaps you are more realistic. The type of person one can build a lifetime of trust and love with.

So what do you say? Is it you and I against the world?

A feeling of sadness

With all matters of the heart life is one big rollercoaster. Right now i'm on that downward path, approaching steadfastly what i hope will be a thrilling experience.

I haven't heard from him all week. I seem to have turned into a mere thought at the end of your weekend.  What i love most about us, is how we can wake up in each others arms on a saturday or sunday morning and cuddle and make love and watch the world awake.

Some moments are magic.

This morning i had not heard from you. You were in my thoughts. I went for a walk and i kept looking at my phone, willing my attention to eventuate into a text from you. The things is i feel sad.

I feel sad for every relationship that did not work. For every relationship that never quite made it. For all the moments where i have stared at my phone willing a man to call.

Sometimes i wonder why i take part in this dance. Perhaps the world is not about you and I.

Or should i just leave things as they are?

For i am in love with two men. One slightly more than you but i have not heard of him.

Perhaps i should just wait and see. Who deserves my attention.

Just as you are not commiting to me, neither am i?

Your in my thoughts. A lot. So is he.

I can sense the difficulty of a decision that is looming in my life.

It will be you and I. I'm just not sure who you are just yet.

Ignorance or Bliss

Am i making a mountain of a molehill?

He texts me once a week, usually on a sunday to see if i am free to catch up. We have a wonderful time, we do something, we have sex, he stays over and then nothing until the next week.

When we are together life is beautiful.

Am i letting him get away too much. Am i making things bland by being available? Perhaps this weekend i will simply disapear?

I can't stop thinking of you

Your in my day dreams, your on my mind, you make me smile.  I simply can't wait to see you again, hold your hand, look into your eyes and lie in your arms.

I think your wonderful.