You have set me free

Sometimes the easiest way to let go of a boy is to find out that he doesn't deserve the respect you gave him. That he is not worthy, honest and trust worthy, that his words had always been but empty promises, that those tiny moments of feeling special were nothing more than smooth talk, practised and refined across countless women.

Yes its easy to let him go now. Loose respect.

Cat got my tongue

Against the backdrop of the ocean i love so much, two passers by interwine once more.

The words were meaningless, i never know what to say to you. Your presence too powerful, my feelings so deep i don't even understand them. 

I push away. I'm scared of you.

I know not how you feel. I know not how i feel.

Are we meant to be together? All these coincidences, is the universe aspiring to bring us together? 

I still miss you.

If only i could tell you how i feel

Your close by but so far away. We live in two different worlds now. I collected my stuff and left the other day.

"Keep in touch, call me, email me" and so we said goodbye to a love that could have been but never got the chance to find out.

I held back so many times. Was it you? Was it me? Did i not feel i had your attention or was it that i was too insecure to show my real self?

Those moments when i missed you, should i have told you?

I miss you now. 

You will never know that.

Catching a glimpse of paradise

With the ocean on one side, the palm trees by the road, a few beamers cruising by and tunes on my ipod, i jog along with my head held high.

I feel lucky to be alive, lucky for this to be regular, lucky that i am fit and healthy, lucky to be surrounded by other fit and healthy people. Jogging along as i watch the ocean waves hit the shore i feel a slightly calming effort. The new group of beach volleyballers and their antics and mastering the art call for a short chuckle while i watch the kite boarders attempt impossible feats in the backdrop. The occasional family with the pram or kids, a couple holding hands makes me smile with a tad of envy for a world i am not apart of.  I pass dogs on leashes, other jogger by's, the odd indian tourist and smile at the eclectic world that i have immersed myself in. 

The oceans calming and sometimes i walk along the shore, staring into the distance, astounded by its greatness. I think of other lives, of friends and lovers made on other shores and the future which awaits. The world is my oyster and the ocean the path. 

This is where i think, this is where i teach myself to be happy, this is where i feel lucky to be alive. The evening colours of pink and orange as the sun says goodbye for another day, the beam of sunshine which strike down through the occasional cloud, the lights and the city which comes alive as night falls, all come together to create one of those moments.

For just a moment it seems like i've caught a part of paradise.

Another new start

Its one of those turning points in life where i say good bye to some things, recognise the value of others and open my heart and eyes to another world.

This time i say goodbye to a boy who had captured my heart for a moment, to those hugs and cuddles i had come to crave and whose arms i had begun to feel ever so safe in. I say goodbye to a less confident, slightly stressed version of myself who had for some time been looking to find her feet in a new career. 

I keep the part of me that values the friendships, the effort and time spent with family, conversations which bring you closer and caring more each day. I keep the gym sessions and the evening runs and relaxing over a swim. I keep that feeling of physical well being and feeling happy. 

As i turn a new leaf, i say hello to a world of possibilities, of a more confident me at work, one that is looking to take charge of her career and take it to the next level. I say hello to one who want to work hard, explore possibilities and revel in the effort. 

I open my heart once again to love, to that elusive stranger that i will meet one moment into the future who will have that spark, that twinkle in their eyes where i'll just know. I'll look forward to feeling that magical connection once more and building up the trust and friendship, forging the foundation for a lifetime together.

Yes its time to turn the page once more. Thankyou world for the good times.

Breaking up is always hard

Even though i know it had to come to an end, even though i didn't even see him in my future, It still hurts.

Multi Million dollar deals

It was just another one of those days, donning a suit and a presentation on a USB pitch i find myself pitching to a few suits.  You give me half a mill and i'll make you five.

Its funny how we grow up isn't it. Throw a few million around here and there, perhaps consider taking over the world or something along those lines.

And then later on, going for a jog along the ocean, listening to tunes on my ipod, contemplating the future and where i want to go. Melbourne, Switzerland, the states, a harvard MBA or perhaps i could become an investment banker?

So many possibilities, so many realities.

And then there's men, should i call him, should i leave it, should i forget him, i never was that into him anyways. Or will it blossom into something more. 

Its one of those blissful moments in life really. Great friends, great career, great family, great life. Stability where the heart is. 

How can some people be so mean

You put all your trust and heart into a man, he treats you with kindness and sweet words. For just a moment you feel safe in his arms, are caught up by his charms. You feel like a team and he speaks of a life to be lived together.

And then one day, its like a switch turns on and he becomes another person. His words no longer sweet, you barely recognise him as the one you let into your life, in faith, in trust.  He seems not to care how you feel, if he is making you cry, if he is kicking you when your down. 

You wonder, did this man change, or was this the real him, waiting to pop out at some destructive moment?

Its hurts.

Life as a Alpha Femme

I've always been the alpha femme, successful, beautiful, smart, with my life together and the world wrapped around my little finger. Never really with a drought of savvy eligible men but then never really in a committed relationship either.

I expect the world to bend to my rules. If i intimidate a man away, thats his problem, not mine. Its about setting your standards high and finding a man that can handle all that is me.

Typically i always thought it was the alpha male that was meant for me. Strong, successful, on top of his game, no need to be intimidated by myself as his life is so successful.

Yet i read an article on the psychology of alpha males and females which brought on one of those lightbulb moments. Alpha males in general are driven by insecurities, there are many other men on his footstep just waiting to take him on. Alpha females on the other hand are unique, take on that non-traditional role, make the rules and are truly and honestly confident.  

This article went on to say an alpha male needs validation, yet with an alpha female, he meets his match or gets intimidated. Its not to say all women would have this effect but its an interesting observation.

So what does it mean for me? It doesn't have to mean anything. My dream man will come along at the right moment and i'll just know.   Its a matter of being true to myself and living my in such a way that i have a smile on my face each morning and night. 

Life always blossoms into all that is beautiful.

Stilettos in the boardroom

Sometimes in the middle of a meeting, in the middle of a discussion, i almost get startled by how far i've come.    I look around me, and find myself amoungst men, sitting in a boardroom in my stiletto's, discussing business strategy and the way forward. I'm the youngest and the only female in all this, and i have my part to play in the whole scheme of things.

Sometimes i think career has been the easiest part. But then i guess it always got a whole lot of effort too. Its like an elephant on a skateboard, ready to be pushed just a little go very very far. Success comes at the tip of my fingertips, leading to even greater sucess'

If only the rest of life could work out as well.