We have been in lockdown for a long time. I miss having the shops open, being able to go to the gym. Being able to go visit mum. Having friends over. Sitting down at a cafe and sipping a coffee. Having a date at a restaurant. Driving wherever I want. Travelling wherever I want. On a rainy day with the outdoors only accessible it is pretty miserable.
I even miss being in the office.
It's finding joy in the mundane that is amazing. To enjoy walking down supermarket aisles, to talk about what you had for lunch, the differences in the latest iOS update or anything at all. Just that it's easy and seamless and you come in and out of each others lives just fitting in quite nicely. No games or anything like that. Just reaching out when we can.
At some stage you will message. I know that. Because you always do. You are that kind of guy.
Yet the apprehension is strong while I wait. And why don't I reach out. Well I'm scared of smothering you. These next few days are about cleaning up my place and getting back on track with meditation and that healthy lifestyle I occasionally find myself in.
Still waiting waiting but in quiet confidence and smiling and day dreaming about you.
In any other year you would have needed to call, message or say goodnight in some way shape or form. But the more relaxed doesn't really care. I've given up on romanticism. It was a nice day. A really really nice day while we were together. And I no longer expect fireworks and longing when we are apart.
It tears me up a little to say this. But yet the guys that did all that had no substance. And maybe you and I hav something. Maybe we don't. Who really knows.
Lately lockdown has been so tough I have no expectations. I will take whatever you give me without compliant and enjoy it.
The time we have spent together is amazing and I had an open invitation to fall asleep in your arms tonight too which I did not take so you are absolutely amazing.
Well goodnight to you my lover.
So I spent a whole week with him and he invited me to stay for longer. We had some ups and downs. Actually I had ups and downs in my head. But in the end it made me communicate and ask some questions I otherwise wouldn't.
So it's just me and him and he's not seeing anyone else.
We had a lot of fun this weekend. In many ways it was a turning point. Getting closer, talking about reality and things under the surface and the sex was better than ever. But more than that it was the friendship, the laughs, the talking till 2am without realising, the cuddles and just being kind to each other. No games. No expectations. Just being nice and finding it returned. The smiles.
Yes sometimes I get bothered by things in my head. But I feel with age comes a lack of expectation that leads to a life much more fulfilling.
And its been effecting my mood all day. Up and down. I dreamt that he was really seeing this as only a fling. And he had someone he loved. And that's why we don't talk about things. That I was just that girl to fill around with when there was no one else. A placeholder.
He doesn't make me feel that way. But my moods are all over the place these days in between staying with him and staying at mine.
I'm happier than I have ever been in a relationship.
There is nothing too exciting but yet the companionship and the care and warmth and stability is just as alluring. We do everyday things. We are really good friends. We joke around. It's not like some random guy I am dating. You're my friend and we hang out. And sometimes there are silences with no need to fill them. And sometimes there are murmers or hugs or the squeeze of your hand or nothing at all or everything. And it feels so easy and natural.
And I've started to be able to look into your eyes when we talk. And I like your arms and chest. I really really like them.
And your suburban lifestyle no matter how mediocre it is, it's good for me. I feel safe and secure and I like it. The days spent in each others lives and arms. Cooking, eating, working, grocery shopping and going for walks, watching TV, drinking and hanging out with your dog. Somehow that feels like bliss. I feel all tingly as I lie in your arms on the couch. For we brush against each other in the kitchen, on the footpath on a walk, in the grocery store.
And to think you were always there. But I needed to get to a point in my life to appreciate you so.
And now I do.
We are getting along pretty well. Gentle but fun with each other. Getting pretty comfy. Your dog likes me too. We are even building a bit of a life and a routine together. There are no games or second guessing. We make each other healthier in some ways and lockdown is much the nicer with you by my side. Falling asleep and waking up in your arms is amazing.
The way you hold me is amazing.
And day by day we kiss more and we hold hands at night.
And when we are apart how I long for you baby.
