In my element

Tonight i helped out with some entreprenuers - some CEO's to be with some great ideas. I put my skills to use.

But at the negotiation table i was in my element. That tough chick that can take control of a board room and reduce others to shreds. Well that is me. I'm that fiesty girl in the corner that surprises everyone with my skills and ambition.

Is it experience?

Who knows but i love it!

I felt alive, i feel excited, i feel happy.

I added so much value.

Life

What of it?

Once upon a time i dreamed of something big. Of falling in love with the man of my dreams, looking deeply into his eyes, kissing him ever so gently and deeply.

This is a thing of the past. I have a guy i think is seemingly nice. But are not made of dream. I get a peck on the cheek here and there but he loves me in his own way. Sometimes i think there is a wall within him. I wonder if i will ever get through.

The things is i'm not happy and i don't know what to do. He isn't even within reach.

The weekend was a freinds beautiful wedding. A wedding of a friend who wanted me more than her and i refused. And now its him and her and me and another. I wish he could miss me the way i do him.

I can't leave him. I will regret it. And besides i'm hopeless at relatonships.

Those dreams of younger days are gone.

How i wish for the innocence of youth. 

Last night i had a good time but..

So the suburbs were kind of nice. Not exactly what i wanted but it was nice just the same.

But this morning i woke up and he was sleeping and i just wanted to leave and now i'm back home and unhappy.

I called mum. She said this is life but in a real nice way.

The thing is, I'm not sure i want the solitary life that he offers. Maybe i need more than him.

I'm just not sure. I wish i could be happier.

I sometimes think if i find a man with a similar 9-5 to me, maybe the times spend together will be beautiful. Did living with that boy spoil me forever?

I don't know what to do....

Is this it?

So i am with him. Yet sometimes i wonder if we have anything in common at all. He wants me to come over to his place. We are going to go to some restaurant in the suburbs. That boring life that scares me.

In my heart of hearts i am trying to find a legitimate excuse to not turn up but i have to go. Is this the life i want to live?

Today we both had days off. For a change. On a rare occasion. He went home to study. I visited my parents. He wants me to come over and we will do what he wants to do.

Can i do this? Do i need that passion in life?

The other night i lost my keys and i couldn't depend on him.

My mum has been in hospital and yes he tried to see her once after a friends party but he hasn't even bothered since.

He doesn't want me to come to lanka with him. I attend my friends wedding alone.

A mediocre life. Is this what i want?

Who am i kidding. We are not in love. I sometimes look at him and don't know what to say. That comfort is not between us. Sometimes it feels amazing in the night. But in all reality, i'm not sure. He doesn't really listen to what i want. Its always what he wants.

There was glamour associated with being with him. Now not so much. Is my own life alone better than whats on offer. Maybe i need that spark.

On missing a younger self that believed

I remember when i believed in soul mates and twin flames and thought i had met with eternity. That something special existed in the world and perhaps i had found it. And these day beaten away, what do we even say. Its another life.

I criticise him for losing that magic but so have i.  I don't even fantasise that he may be the one. He's a nice boy offering something more than a dull life and someone i can cuddle with.

On loving your man

I look at him sometimes and i love him so. Its so nice to be lying in his arms. Outside the night, outside the bed we are ok. But by night we hold each other tight and have these deep conversations and the way he gently touches my hand in his. Its the things that dreams are made of.

And in some sort of mediocrity maybe we found something spectacular. To have a man that is like him, so generous despite his kinks and also for us to share what we hare with each other. Special has another name.

This isn't mediocre.

This is a wonderful life.

So this is life

And there is a strange sense of comfort in it too. He wants a mediocre life free of lifes hassles. He doesn't believe in love per se. Not the earth shattering love that knows too many outs and boundaries. He puts forward a philosophy to life based on sustainability and longelivity.

Maybe he is right.

This is a very different relationship. I am sitting here in the same room as him. Yet i am doing my own thing and he does his. In any other relationship we would be touching and kissing and cuddling. In this its just normal. Is this friendship.

Do i need more? Why don't we speak more.

Sometimes i'm sad. Other times maybe its ok.

I miss that old feeling tho. That feeling of being in love