that time

 The picnic in warburton. I will never forget it.

I crave to see you

 I miss you. I hope you come back to me.

Spiraling out of control

 There are too many men. One my heart sings for that i can't be with. The others are just a distraction. The way his eyes lit up when i turned around and that hug, his warm embrace and that we can look each other in the eyes. Running after me and the fact that i can walk up and hug him.He is everything i want in a man.

I saw him last night

He told me to come over. And then he was not so sure. And i came back home. 

It was so clear about you and I

 The way you ran after me. That look in your eyes. The warm embrace you risked even in uniform. How good you looked. The way you smile when you see me. You can't help it. And its automatic for me too. I miss you babe. I want you to hold me. I want to hold you. I can't wait to do our wave and owl. I hope that happens.

In your arms even for a moment

Sometimes you meet the most unlikely people. Of the 7 billion people on the planet, you meet the one that you cannot be with. And yet you saw me walk past and ran after me. And i turned around wondering who was calling my name. Our eyes locked, you stopped running and we both smiled. You were in uniform but i walked to you and we hugged just for a moment.  We only spoke a moment but you had a glisten and a big smile that i have always loved and recall. 

And we went our own ways. You got in touch in text and we spoke about the great times. It's nice to know you think fondly of our time together. So i will see you after the dust settles.  I'll wait for you to make our owl. 

Maybe we get our second chance.  Maybe we stay friends. Maybe it disappears into nothing. 

All i know is that i miss you. It was great hearing from you. I daydream about you.

Sometimes you just need to feel lucky that we got the chance to experience what we did even if for a moment. 

Lessons learnt and turning point in life

 All is in order. A few mpre things to clear out. Do my taxes. Get done with this court case. Understand the implications. Get this assignment and exam done. And next month its a new me and we get on with things. Fix up the car and get in touch with my friends and move on with life. Hang out with mum more consistently.

Fire fighters

 Why am i meeting and connecting with them? To the extent where my friend says of all the emergency services i should go for ambo's. But it wasn't intentional. They were just good looking and i swiped right and they happened to be police or fire fighters.

Our chats bring a smile to my face

Conversation flows freely. You are so easy to talk to. You motivate me. We have so much in common. The hours just fly by as we talk. We ignore the rest of the world until we can't. I feel like being a better fitter version of me when I speak to you.  I'm really really looking forward to seeing you in person. To get a hug on that first meeting. To lock eyes with you. 

That new him bringing a smile to my face

 I still can't believe we spoke for 12 hours through the night. Sure i couldn't sleep. But what a lovely conversation. And we have stayed in touch daily. I love how we could be so honest from the start. I can't wait to meet you in person. 

I keep telling myself to take it slow this time. Temptation is hard when you look like the way you do and your communication skills are a blast. 

I can't wait to meet you in person. 

As you start fading away from my head

 I do still miss you. Those moments. The touch of you. cuddling up. The way you brushed my hair aside and rang your fingers through it. Staring into your eyes and touching your face. Holding your hand while we cuddled, while you grabbed my hand while we were crossing the road, while you were driving, and all those time we shared a little squeeze of the hand while locking eyes and a smile and how gentle you were with me, the perfect gentlemen, opening doors, gently grazing your hand over my lower back gently as we spend time together.  When you told me to come down so i could see you in your car and uniform and you looked so cute and we locked eyes wanting to at least touch hands but we both new we couldn't. 

I know it's over. I prolly won't see you again even if the chance arose. It's broken beyond repair. And rather than making it worse, I would love to hold onto these memories which bring a smile to my face when I think of you.

And all those plans we had. Those hikes, getting me that leather jacket and helmet so I can go for a ride on your bike, The pasta you were meant to make me, that bike ride we spoke about, that you were meant to take me for a drive in my car, the time I was going to spend at yours, that run I was going to join you for, that african restaurant we were going to try. I'll live them out in my head and i'll smile while having those good times. 

My memory of you will always be of fondness and a smile.  You were one of the loveliest humans i have ever met.  I'm sorry it had to come crashing down on us the way it did. 

That turning point

 It took a while to get used to and come to terms. It was a shock at first. But slowly i am coming to turns with it. Mums bday, a haircut, a few nice walks, thinking through a plan now that i have certainty in place. Things finally feel like they are under control in a way it hasn't felt like in months.

Sometimes no matter how bad the news is, it's the uncertainty that gets to you. I would rather bad news that spiral out of control in a pool of uncertainty.

I know where I stand. It's a relief. Time to take stock of this situation and just get on with life. Make the most of what I have.

And things always change. So maybe this new change will bring some good things my way. Who knows? I might even look at this and think this was the best thing that ever happened. It's about moving forward and not trying to clutch onto the past. Not looking for what used to be but look forward and embrace the new opportunities right in front of me. 

So with starry eyes, an open heart, a new haircut and in wonder about where life will take me, I will let things unfold as they come. With hope in my eyes and heart. 

Because that just who I am and it's never gone wrong by doing that.