My Perfect Man

My perfect man would dote on me and love me and want me by his side, always and forever. He would want to wake up with me in his arms and he would want to fall asleep holding my hand. He would crave to brush the hair away from one face, to cup my face within his warm hands and kiss me ever so gently while looking deeply into my eyes.

My perfect man would want to know every little detail of my life, what makes me tick, what makes laugh, what makes me cry, what makes me feel alive. He would be supportive of my dreams, he would welcome me into his life with an open heart. I in turn would know everything about his, his dreams and aspirations, his closest and deepest secrets, what makes him laugh and what makes him hurt.

It would be an innocent love, pure and true, built on faith and trust. One of holding hands and never wanting to be apart. We would yearn for each other and think of the other constantly.

My perfect man and i would be a team and it would be us against the world. A reckonable force so strong that nothing could stand in our way or tear us apart. Our problems would be between us and we would be ever so faithful to each other.

My perfect man and i would love each other, forever for all of eternity.

My perfect man would make me smile each night, each day, each moment.

Too much information can be a dangerous thing

So i've met a man and in a ideal wold without insecurities and hurt i would go head first. Yet i protect myself, play games and end up with nothing.

With the onset of technology one can tell all sorts of things about another person. You can find out things online about someone that in the past never would have been possible.

Gone are the days when we are all so pure and innocent. Life isn't like that any more. Its so hard to trust someone so intensely. To make yourself vulnerable.

Where do you draw limits to your world? to the pain. If something is painful, if a man can make you cry. Then why do we stay.

Its really time to walk away isn't it.

Why is it so hard to break up with someone

Some people are comfortable being the dumper while others are comfortable being the dumpee.  Sometimes it boils down to sex, while other times pure personality.

For me, pre sex, I am most likely to be the dumper. Post-sex though, there seem to be some irrational form of attachment we women feel, a false sense of intimacy which clouds ones judgement. Even if i find myself in a situation where i cry myself to sleep each night, i still find it so hard to let go.

And then comes communication. I am coming to realise that this is definitely not one of my strong points. Its almost like i am scared of feeling rejected so i don't speak up about what i want. 

I guess these are the motions in life. 

In need of a friend

Even after all this time, it seems i have not mastered the art of friendship.

I miss the days of growing up, where routine and simple things dictated life, where cliques in schools dictated your friends and you saw them every day without fail. I miss those moments in growing up where you spend your day with that one person and then return home to chat over the phone all night.

Life has become so busy, the world has opened up so many options, its too easy to hop a city or a country. We catch more planes that public transport and communication is the occasional checking in on facebook when one gets a birthday reminder. 

True friends are hard to come by and it seem i have given them up. And the ones few and far between who are completely dependable live in other cities, under a different sun and moon.

I crave those moments of childhood innocence, before we grew up, explored the world and become so successful and busy that we don't even know what its like to be happy anymore.

Is he a keeper?

Why do women stay in relationships when it doesn't make them happy. 

When i am with him i am happy, but i like the warmth of another person, the hugs and kisses and cuddles. Besides them he could be any other man. 

Its not really him i am craving is it. Its just a man.

He doesn't make me happy and there are some characteristics in him that make me feel uneasy. 

If i had to describe him in five words i would say:

Selfish, Self-centered, Lost,  affectionate, arrogant

I wonder sometimes if he knows me at all. What makes me tick, what makes me cry, what makes me laugh.   If i were to look into the future i don't see him in it.

I think i know what to do now.

On missing the spark

So i'm seeing this so called nice guy. Just successful an arrogant enough to be datable, self-centered enough to keep me interested.

I miss the spark thought. I'm meant to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship. Should i not be more excited? 

I miss the days of falling in love on a tropical island, trying to cram a lifetime into one holiday fling, of feeling like you've met your soulmate.

Is this what relationships are meant to be like?

I had Changed. They had not

Somestimes i cry and i don't know why. My life is perfectly content. Mostly happy and content, successful, no real money worries, an amazing family, great friends and even a boy in the picture as of late.

Its a saturday night and i was happy to spend some time on my own. Great catch with some interstate friends, catch up on my chores, listen to some tunes. 

Yesterday was a blast from the past that i have been trying to avoid. A group of friends that i prioritised for way too long whose values i barely recognise let alone respect. Yet in the muck of it all is always a good hearted friend that you so want to keep. 

So i was back in that world of glamour and louis vutton handbags, where the women are beautiful, pretty, sexy, successful, smart and trendy, on the arms of equally successful and looking men. Feeling somewhat underdressed i remembered the days when i held my own in this crowd, how it was important to aspire to be the most beautiful, never really to succeed.   The backstabbings, the cheating, the game playing, the head games , all a natural part of this world. I learnt that true friends are hard to come by.

I had changed. They had not.  

I walked away with a sour feeling in my mouth. 

No happy reunions. No new enemies.

I didn't do it

Somethings just feel wrong. I feel proud of myself. Just that i can't. That i am a better person for just waiting to see if he would come through.

I've still got it

Do i need validation from the oposite sex to feel good about myself?

To the world i am a confident, secure, fiesty, beautiful goddess with everything going for me. Inside it seems that i am insecure, lonely, sad and desperate. I just hide it so well, even to myself.

So even before one thing ends, on the first sign of neglect i search for others. Tonight its another date, the men are a plenty and its a matter of choosing. I feel no guilt.

Am i cheating? I don't even know. I thought i was in a relationship. But yet i haven't heard from him in three weeks. Is he doing right thing? who knows?

If only life was easier. Tonight i will go forth and see what happens.

Another late night

Sleepless in my trendy south yarra apartment. Missing him, although sometimes i'm not sure who "he" is. Is it the one of the moment, a blast from the past, a craving for the future.

Its not like i've even lost him yet. But then its not like i have him either. And then thinking about it again, its not like i am completely into him and have been right and innocent all along.

At the end of the day i think deep down my feelings are true and genuine. I am just not feeling secure and loved right now to act on them the way i would love. I need to learn to have more faith in men, to really give it my all.

I feel i have lost this time, but for next time its something to remember.

So i met him at a time when i had declared to spend two months going crazy and having random fun, sleeping with every good looking man that i can conjure up. That was the point where i met him, the one i thought was the man of my dreams. So in a moment i dropped my plan and dived right in to a relationship.

I don't know what i want now. I need him to be more attentive. I don't feel right. 

I wish i wouldn't be effected the way i am, but i guess that just means i also felt happiness intensely.

I wonder what the future will bring?

Why do we destroy all that is good

So a few months back i met the perfect man, yes another one. Each time i meet the one i give it my all, sort of.

During all that is good i doubt it.

I am not sure if it is me that is destroying it, or if he was never worth it in the first place. Is it that female thing to blame oneself? Are people trustworthy? How does the world work?

Each time ones heart gets broken, one would think it gets easier, yet it doesn't. It's a little comforting knowing that life goes on, but at the same time it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I miss the days of carefree. When one did not know about broken hearts.