Spread my wings and fly

The time is hear. A beautiful place a beautiful boy, a life of happiness.

Changes in the mix, its all happening.  I am exactly where i want to be, enjoying my freedom, my happiness, 

Am i finally growing up?

Dear M,

I thought of you again today. Your not really in my thoughts all that much, but sometimes you enter into my mind and i remember those sweet moments of romance on that tropical beach. It seems a lifetime ago though. Time can sometimes move fast and slow at the same time if you get what i mean.

I'm in another city now, my home time. I think i'm quite content perhaps. Things are a bit cloudy at the moment as i try to find my place. Being back at my parents feels a little wierd. I'll be here for a bit longer though. 

I've decided to buy an apartment in St Kilda.  These things take time though, choosing a loan, choosing a house, waiting for settlement, moving in.  It will probably be another 4-5 months before my life gets sorted.  I'm entering that adult world of mortgages and interest rates and real estate agents. 

I'm going it alone which makes it all the harder. In some ways i'm lucky, i can afford it and i don't need that second income from a partner. But then at other times i wish for some company. Buying a house, isn't that supposed to be some right of passage to be experienced with your significant other? Sometimes i get scared that i am becoming so successful 

One must kiss many frogs before meeting her prince charming

And kiss many frogs i did. It seemed for a while there, that it were the story of my life.

And then one day, almost unsuspectingly came a man with a heart made of gold who treated me like the princess he had been waiting to meet. 

Goodbye to another than did not call

Oh how i wish to hear from you, do i not make your heart race as such?

Are you too busy in your life?

Are you facing another direction?

I think we would be great together? I really do.

Maybe you should just give me a call?

Turning the other way

I've met a few men lately which has made me think. I've had onlt

Hello Goodbye in Five Minutes

So i tried Speed Dating for the very first time. I was somewhat curious but not really expecting all that much so would not say i was nervous in the least bit. To

When you smile at the world and it smiles back

Today was beautiful. Amongst the anxiety of the first moments of a budding romance comes that feeling of walking on clouds.

I walked around today with a smile on my face. I loved my friends, i loved the feeling that he was thinking of me, i loved that life is just falling into place.

I feel like crying

He said he'd call. He didn't.

I messaged, he messaged back.

He said he'd call again. He didn't.

So i messaged.

Now i feel like crying. He's supposed to be into me. I've let him in. He probably still is.

So i take a step back. There are countless reas

Going through the motions

Its another weekend of activity and friendships, lovers and foodies, dates and adventures. Most of all it was about smiling every moment of the way and then some moments of sadness that will but pass.

The state of play

The cleanliness of my place is often inversly related to the state of play in my social life and currently the latter is winning out.

When he calls i cave

Is it time to fall for the nice guy?

The worst part is that it never started or finished.

Perhaps i should give it another a go. The one that seems so interested. The one that will always be around?

The thing is that the guy of the moment may never call. He may just walk away. i should move on.

I have a date with a man that's not you

And the worst part is that you do not care. That i do care.

Life always works out thought, with or without you....

Getting Older

In amidst the drama and excitement i forgot how old i was. I turned 29 the other day, only a year away from the big 30. Today i went to a friends 30th.

Somehow we all got so much older without realising it. I don't know how but it just happened that way.

Once a long time ago i wanted to be be married by thirty, for my life to be sorted. I feel i need to do something with life in this year. I have sat back for long enough. I'm not sure what but its time to shine.

There is a man that can give me it all and wants to give it all. Then there is a man that seems not to care but at this moment my heart is facing his way. Is this the time to be sensible? Or do i just enjoy this one last year and be sensible after thirty?

Thats my thresh-hold. I will settle down after that. My parents can sort it out.

The man i want to spend the rest of my life with is here now. If only he will turn my way.

My life is a fairy tale

Sometimes i realise that my problems are not really problems. That my life is a constant fairytale. That life goes on and i will find adventure after adventure.

I date successful men who treat me well.

To my dear sis

We are the opposites of each other really. We have so much to learn from each other. You, the stable one with friends that last a lifetime and such stability in the world, me the one that wanders around the world traversing one adventure

The real truth is...

When it comes to reality G has always been honest with me. He spilled every feeling he had, i just didn't listen.

Perhaps one day G and I will work.

I hope.

Feeling deflated. Inadequate. Today.

On monday night i had dinner with a successful colleague and his girlfriend and a few others. He's six foot tall and turned up with hot tall model dancer combination. He had wooed her off her feet.

I in my flat shoes, skinny jeans and what would have been a trendy top in any other setting felt so inadequate. Sure she did not have my brains but she had everything else including a man wrapped around her little finger.

It made me think about the certain kind of men i date. These are the men that go for her type features. The type of girl who's legs and adoration you can show off and feel so manly about. I'm not that girl.

It made me think of David who was on top of the girl, had that build and that white blood to hang amoungst the men of the world. I was not a handbag to show off.

Then i thought of G, of a smaller build, of his indian blood. Who would he take to show off in these settings? Would he even compete in this setting? He may have that quite confidence but in these social interactions if one were to pick the battles that they can only win, this would be left alone.

The thing is i headed off the next day to business meetings in bangkok and singapore.  The thing is that was the day i got the promotion and now looked after a whole continent in what i do well.  I was the one that has climbed the highest mountains and dived the ocean shore, the one who traverses the world at a whim.  Perhaps she envied me also? Or perhaps she was so happy in her own skin that she did not even notice?

For some reason i just feel deflated. Inadequate. Today.

Sometimes you just need to do it!

I'm just going to call him.

Lay it all out on the table. Ask him how he's going. Get straight to the point.

I guess we were hanging out a few months back and it sorta just fizzled out. Still enjoyed the time we spent together, thought we got along great and it was fun hanging out. Thought we would make good friends.

Then i guess its the moment to hear it out.

On the round about of friendships

There are friends i have given up, and then there are new ones i have embraced. This time again i forgot one important lesson i have learnt over and over again.

Keep your old friends gold, and you new ones silver.

And so i barely kept in touch, i moved to greener pastures. And now i want back in. They open their hearts to me. They buy my excuses. Its time for me to do my part in the friendships of the world. The world that surrounds me.

I will keep all of them. Value them. Respect them. Friends are the life line that keeps us moving forward. 

I don't trust her

She gave me so much advice while i was dating him. I wonder if she was out to sabotage me. She's dating herself now and doing the absolute opposite!

Your flowers died a long and painful death

I remember those. You surprised me with them. And they lasted long beyond your stay in my life. Little by littled they whittled away - just like the way you disappeared out of my life...

I'm so excited that your the new you

I dream about you, i dream about falling alseep in your arms, i dream about waking up to your cuddles. Your smile is what i crave for, the laughs, the jokes and everything in between.

I have fallen for you. I hope you treat me well. I think you will. I know you this time. Its been so long. We met so long ago. I have always had a crush on you. I just never thought we would go anywhere.

Your lovely. I hope we work out. 

Five words to describe the new him

Dreamer, honest, clever, full of wonder, playful

In retrospect we were not that great

Yesterday i went on another rock climbing date and this time it was not with you.

Its funny how people come in to your world to teach you things. I learnt to rock climb, i reignited my passion for mountains and always being the best and i learnt that all that glitters isn't so. I learnt that perhaps the powerful men of your world is not what i want deep down.  I learnt that having an awesome body just didn't make all that much difference. 

And in those learnings i met another man. One that had a passion for climbing and was somewhat of a dreamer without needing to prove their ego to the world. 

I look in his eyes and see dreams of fairytale romances and wonder about the world. I see honesty and a good heart.  And we could look each other in the eyes and laugh and their was never a quiet moment. We almost forgot to rockclimb because we were so entranced in conversation.   We walked away on a perfect note. It was about spending time together and nothing more. 

I thought i had had an amazing time with you. Now that i think back, i didn't know what to say, it was slightly awkward, and it was about pushing ourselves to the limits. We didn't talk about the world, we didn't get lost in conversation, we didn't fall in love. 

Sometimes its easy to live your life in a dream. I'm glad i said goodbye to you becuase its only when you close one door that you open another.

I wonder if he knows he's been deleted?

Will he ever check or has he already?
Did he check on me as i did on him?
Has he gone to look me up and realised that he had been deleted from my life?
Does he feel a sudden pang of panic ?
Does he merely not even notice for he never was interested anyway?

Disappearing out of someone else's life is one of those profound moments. Perhaps he would never even realise i had disapeared?

I said goodbye to you last night

I finally found the courage to call it game over and hit that delete button. Having so much access to your life is not doing me good. I still think of you but anticipate it will be less and less so.

I remember driving home in the midst of falling in love.  I thought of you and felt those jitters that you only get from intense attraction. I just wanted to touch you so badly. When we actually came to be it was a tad more awkward. I was living out something else in my head.

It still makes me cry that we have to say goodbye. That you never thought of me beautiful and unforgettable. It makes me sad that i couldn't take your breath away and that you never fell in love with me.

I'm leaving because i have to. You said goodbye to me without ever saying it.

Tonight is the night i realise

That you were never into me and that you will never be. It was all in my imagination.

You had months to contact me and somehow i thought waiting patiently would result in some sort of miracle.

I fell for an illusion in my head. I barely knew you. I;m dsaying goodbye to the memory you left in my head. I tried my best. I was never the one for you. You were never to be despite my stupid illusions of living happily ever after with a man i never knew.

You in history now. With the M's and david's that got in touch long after their time had past and it was too late.

Have a lovely life G. I doubt you will. I want nothing to do with the mess that is your relationships.

Goodbye.

Sometimes i wonder

There is a man i am beginning to fall for. I barely had the time for him. Back then and even now.

Perhaps he is into me. Perhaps i am scared.

I think i am falling for him never the less. 

Is the super brilliant Geek my type of man?

So there have been a few men with hearts of gold that have always won my hearts. I was impressed with their intelligence, their knack and passion for technology and ability to play Mr Fix it at every opportunity.

Lately i've been thinking the ruthless banker workaholic probably isn't the long term relationship i want. Its exciting and it comes with status but when it comes to stability, reliability and respect, something is lacking.

I keep falling for these men of technical brilliance. I never feel to much for them for they always have a solution or a helping hand for what i know not.

These are the stable, good looking and reliable men i want in my life. They may never become CEO, but they will be there to fix my computer when i can't get it to work, lift heavy things and change the light bulbs. 

I hope we see you again

Thats what she said to me that last night i had with him.  I was heading off home with him and she was his friend. And she liked me and thought we would be perfect for each other. But she had that look in her eyes that said i was fighting a losing battle. Of course back then i never quite realised it. Blinded by some fairytale romance that was living out in my head.

The signs were there long ago. He had lost interest and it was just a matter of time for him to figure out how to walk away. He gave me many a hint that i did not take, until eventually i have no choice but to accept the fact.

No, you won't see me again...

White blood will always be white blood

I;m looking through memories of my life, of uni days and where people are today.

I spotted the perfect guy amoungst the memories. The exact type of guy i fall for these days. But you know, during uni, he barely knew who i was and even more importantly i don't remember ever being attracted to him.

He married one of those intelligent blonds that have the looks, the breeding and the smarts to be just about perfect. He has weekend gateaways at sanctuary cove with his family.

The thing is, these men are in another league. Not necessarily better or worse but never the less in a DIFFERENT league. I'm chasing after some fairytale in my mind where some white prince charming saves the day.

Except thats not my life....

Reflections from the top

So lately i've made it, even more than before.

The hours however are adding up. I'm working on a zillion things at once. I have an army of people working for me.

The things is my life is slowly disapearing...