Temptations

It's been a while but i feel like fooling around. These days when i am with him it's great but when i'm not there are so many insecurities that come to play and its tempting to seek in the comfort of many a man that gives me attention and finds me attractive.

 I miss the excitement of being in love. But then this is stable. He is responsible, he keeps his word. But its not that exciting toe curling moments. We havent even said those three magic words yet.

Today i gave you an xmas present. You gave me zilch. Your going away in three days time. This was the last bit of time you had to spare for me.

We had fun but i felt empty the moment you left. Sad that i wasn't so important to you.

I've got to stop putting you first when you dont reciprocate.

Its nice to have a man in my life but sometimes i feel like i'm settling because i'm getting old and unlikely to meet another. That my time is running out and i should cut my losses and settle for mr here now and he seems alright.

I've given up on finding my mr big. There won't be flowers or gallant gentlemanliness or chivalry. He will treat me as an equal and be honest, a tad awkward and not so polished.

I'm not perfect either.

Sometimes in life settling for almost good enough isn't such a bad thing.

 

I think we are back

Is this what growing u is all about? realising that life will never work out perfectly but moments are worth savouring and appreciating.

It's been six months for you and i. I still love holding your hand and looking deep into your eyes. And while i sometimes take lying in your arms for granted, of the constant stream of hugs and kisses, i always love the feel and touch of you.

Your warm hands and that squeeze of the hand. Your smile. The way you brush my hair away before kissing me.

Things are well.

I'm glad its you and me. 

Out of that honeymoon phase

It's that moment when you realize your partner is not perfect and that little things about them annoy you, just as you know, there are aspects of yourself that just won't work.

Its about honesty and dishonesty. Of uncertainty. Of wondering if you should settle because there might be no other man because age is creeping up on all of us.

He's nice. Caught between me and a father that won't let go.

Then there's me. Caught between....

I'm not sure..

Maybe i'm too caught up in trying to please others

I tried so hard. But why did i bother?

This is a lesson learnt in not trying to please people that haven't proven their worth to you yet.

Why did i even wish for your approval?
Why did i want to live my life including you in all that i do?

Why can't you just be nice?
Do you not see the tears?
How you make us hurt?
Do you not care?

He called me ugly

A bubble bursts.

So things were working well with us.

And then i met your dad. He thinks i'm ugly. The worst thing to say to a girl really.

And i'm tempted to drop you before its too late. I'm upset. There are tears in my eyes. In some ways you are so sweet. It's your dad i hate. It's the mum that is on a pedestal. Lessons learnt in not always being polite and trying to please others.

In an ideal world he would accept me and embrace me into their family and consider me a daughter. And we would be family. Thank you good bye to that idea.

I'm tempted to leave. To walk out on what we have. Are we really meant to be?

The world that awaits me is one of promise and adventure. Sure i love the warmth of your embrace and waking up early in your arms. But then i want a family. I want to be accepted. I want to feel beautiful.

Its a hit to the ego that i wasn't expecting.

The only thing i've cried about in the time we have been together is something your dad said.