Two men, a open heart, which way to go?

And there really is two men on my mind. Each offering a potential lifetime of happiness. Getting older, making the right choices while they still exist are just paramount. So one a stable, reliable man but a white man, who i find ever so attractive. The other, my best friend, of my own culture, who's been there when i needed him and we share so many similar life goals. Choices, choices. Life is good - which way to go.

5 words

reliable, honest, fit, genuine, stable

A new man on the scene

I've been single a little while but with plenty of options. There is a man that's been there a while that i have not paid much attention to. One thats been pretty nice. The other night on the dancefloor i felt something. He's hot. Lifestyles we fit. He is not lankan. But is that what i really want. Culture is important. But then its not like i lead a lankan lifestyle. Could it work? Well i am excited.

Perhaps i wrote off white men for the wrong reason

It was just a combination of bad luck and self sabotage and not dealing with the implications of having and alcoholic father and the impact that has on choosing a life partner. But i am sorting myself out these days. Seeing reality for what it is. And maybe i thought i wanted a white man because i couldn't quiet figure out what went wrong with D. But the thing is, he was on anti depressents, he lacked serotonin and he had a knack for compulsive behaiviour and promiscuity. He had a mental illness. So i think i just need to be open. If i were to look at my lifestyle , its that blend of west and east. I could go either way perhaps. And there is a man that i've always felt good about. Perhaps we are meant to be.

Feeling betrayed

Or am i just too late. So i thought a man was crazy with me. But the thing is i have for years and i have thrown his feelings away. And now, i wait on the side lines waiting for a call. But he does not call. He can. Something tells me its not quite right. Perhaps i have missed the boat for something wonderful while i was fooling around with a man that betrayed me anyways. Perhaps this is a lesson to be learnt. To cherish those closest to us as gold and new friends as silver and that it counts for men too. I'm over the man of yesterday. I am falling for the man of tomorrow who has been my best friend all along. Yet, i may be too late for once. I may have missed the boat just as i start falling in love.

Preparing for battle

Today i was preparing for battel. Hair in a moderate pony tail, an invincible belt around my waist with a AK 47, ready to pounce and fight. Works a bit crazy. Sometimes i feel like crying. There are some people that are just so aggressive. Sometimes i wonder if i am cut out for this. But really, this is what i get paid the big bucks for. I get paid well, but the jobs a tough gig. And working with an ex isn't easy but its even harder when he helps you out so you don't get further in. When it looks like he is on your side.

Preparing for battle

Works always going well but in the middle of success you encounter somewhat difficult personalities. But i feel calmer, finding strategies for dealing with them calmly and maturely. I feel better prepared, yes slightly elated and nervous. This is what i get paid the big bucks for really. In the middle of it is an ex boyfriend who is not quite performing, and yes while we were together i overlooked his misdeamours, but now i guess i don't need to. It's about fixing it all now. People have trust in me. Now i just need to deliver.

A lesson to be learnt

Don't give your heart to a man that is not ready to receive it and protect it. For the little girl of your innocence is given away too. Always take care of her. Take her everywhere. And when you meet the man that you can trust that little innocent girl with. Then you know you can fall in love. For he needs to look after you children and cherish you forever and protect the little girl within. I am close to finding that man. And seeing the patterns of sabotage and self harm that existed before.

I can't wait for you to come home

Your somewhere on site. I miss you. But you tell me everything. A cyclone has passed through. You have no electricity or reception. I can't wait for our moment. Finally falling for a man that i have been in love with all along, i just didn't realise it. The guy i've always trusted and shared my deepest feelings with. Butterflies as i wait.

Lankan men have so much depth and layers to them

Its about that deep sense of patriotism and finding comfort with a man of your own race. Its about the layers of depth, emotion and family values that no white man could even comprehend. Its about thinking and looking at him and craving his brown skin. Its about admiring the way he treats his mother and the way he will be by your side forever. Its about the way you can take him home to your parents every week. Its about being able to visit his parents and sister when he is out of town. Its about him accepting your successful career because your child with him will be the brightest ever because he loves your intelligence. Its about facing life as a unit. He wants it. You want it. Its about the attraction and animal lust and knowing that the world is your oyster and that you will make decisions together and eventually take over the world. Lankan men - only the best. It just took me a while to realise. That is all.

Disgusted by you

You had the nerve to send such a self absorbed mail. Your sense of reality on the definition of infidelity is somewhat warped. I looked at the little girl in my heart. I felt nothing for you after that. Your represent a life of abuse and unhappiness. And for the first time in my life i feel that it is not acceptable. I want a man that wants to look after me and make me happy and see me as his equal. I crave to be in a loving, trusting, accepting relationship. I'm not sure what i saw in you. I struggled to find you attractive but as i got caught in your web, you apealed to the old side of me that loved to sabotage my own life. Appealed to that side of me that reminded me of an alcoholic father and only ever knowing how to be treated like shit and still to say. But I've gotten over that now. And over you. Good luck to you in your self absorbed world. I'm out.

Protecting the little girl within

Its that childhood innocence that reaches out to our heart of hearts. But its really the little me i am thinking of. That little girl that was a little helpless, did not understand the ways of the world and relied on her parents and those around her to be a good person. A little girl that felt the pain of love misguided. But that little girl is in my heart now. A little part of me. She has always been. I just had not realised it yet. And now that i am older, and that i am wiser and can stand up for myself, i owe it to her to protect her through life and take me everywhere. To be with the right men and walk away when i have been wronged. She deserves to be protected, hugged and loved. Its like looking at the world a new. Let there be light and love.

It was a combination of sabotage and falling for the wrong man

You were always domineering, without compassion and thinking of only yourself. You seemed like you care but it was all about maintaining your image, you never really bothered to get to know me or drill deep into anything that made me need a hug. It was all about you. So yes, i choose the wrong man. One that would abuse me but i stayed. And then there was the self sabotage. Doing stupid things because i felt neglected. The flirting in front of him, trying to make him jealous, trying to make him love me. I thought i had sorted this out in my head. I had not. It was all so stuffed. Today i said my goodbyes.

kineseology

A friend had been raving about it for a while. And life wasn't great but it wasn't bad either. I saw a sign and thought, if she's free i'll give it a go. Looking for clarity. Looking for answers. Why do i say nothing and stay with a man that treats me like crap, hoping he will come around and accept me and love me. Familiar story, well yes. My mum did the same and is still doing the same, staying with my alcoholic father. Its patterns in life we learn from childhood. Recognizing is the first step i guess. Choosing our partners, choosing our relationships, the way we behave. So the session was successful. It was based around resolving the root of the problems rather than finding strategies for the symptoms. I'm still not quite sure what we did but i emerged with a renewed sense of self and acceptance. I wanted to protect the little girl of my childhood, hold her in my arms and tell her its ok and take her everywhere. I loved myself for the first time in ages. Like really loved myself. I saw some poisonous relationships for what they were and were ready to walk away. I made my peace and gave myself the closure i needed. And as i smiled at the world, with the little girl of my childhood safely in my heart, the world smiled back. I met many a man that seemed so nice and stable. And i didn't get nervous. I was just me. And i didn't drink too much. And i didn't stay too long. I didn't panic about losing something amazing or missing out. It was a great session. I feel renewed. I feel loved and love for myself.

The world is my oyster

With the sun shining, the grand prix at my doorstep, lovely friends and family, single and carefree, a bottomless bank account, a career thats steaming ahead and bits of first world problems, life is pretty good. I'm free. I'm single. Life can be anything i want it to be. I wake each morning to ocean views.

Struggling - a bit

Today he looked good. He was dressed up and on top of his game. Maybe he is better with the possibility of a relationship down the drain. We both are hurt. I don't really know how he feels. Is he hurt? Is he a narcisist? Two very different things but i don't know him at all. Really. Do i just let it go, let him feel good whatever way he can. And there is a man i day dream about. I can't wait for his return to home. I'm looking forward to a night we have both been waiting for a long time. Perhaps it should have been him and I a long time ago. For all that i am upset by a man who turned out to be a pathological liar, i need to thank him for making me appreciate the wonderful man right in front of me all along. I accidently fell for him so he could break my heart and realise that strangers do not fill the gap for years of friendship. And yes its hard. Breakups always are. After all you are the first and only guy i ever introduced to my parents. But really, you didn't really know me did you? Sometimes i hate you? Other times i love you and wish we could spend forever together and that you would give me a convincingly good reason for your infidelity and why you would never do it again. Part of me still loves you. Craves you. Misses you. But reality is what it is. I have my options. You are dodgy and sleazy and have no concept of faithfullness. Thank you goodbye. Hello to another.

I think i dodged a bullet

He was somkebody else or he has problems. Narcistic in a lot of ways. Not once did he really think to walk in anyone else's shoes. It was always me being the nice accomodaing girl. I really really dodged a bullet. A lifetime with him would have been a disaster.

Sometimes i wish he would disapear from my life

Its hard to see him all the time. Most of the time i am over it, but seeing him and knowing how intimate we have been, its hard not to have feelings for him as i see him all the time. Hard to not be aware of him. Hard to stop wandering what really went through his head to say all these things and then act like a dodgy sleazebag behind my back. It just slows down the process. If i were to never see him again, i would just slowly forget about him. I would put it down to that time i accidently fell in love with a white man.

Here is hoping i'm not too late

He's always wanted me. And i have sort of but have been chasing fruitless endeavours along the way. He is wonderful. Here is hoping that i am not too late and that we will be forever. Our lives match just perfectly. Culture, values, family, life goals. It couldn't be any better. I love you K. I'm sorry i didn't realise this sooner. I just needed to get a lot of stuff out of my system. I am all yours now.

The summer of love

This was the summer of love and it's fast approaching it's end as winter dawns. We kicked it off with good friends and good times, drinking to the cricket, to falling in love, to enjoying life, to entering a new stage of our lifes and to friendships, may they blossom and grow for ever and ever. And as winter dawns we look back. The cricket has ended but with it has come a sense of belonging and patrotism for who i am and where i belong in the world. Lankan pride at its best and an appreciation of everything Lanka can offer. It was a summer of dating a white man and learning that it could never work. It was about learning about anti depressents and dating a man with a mental illness and dealing with his infidelity and insecuities. And then it was learning to walk away. It was about realising that a white man is not for me. I can see forever with a man of my own culture. It was about letting an old friendship bloom, talking about the ways of the world and our future. It was about the makings of starting something beautiful. And it was about growing friendhsips for yet another year and realising that friends are forever.

Perhaps I introduced the third person

I've been angry at him all along. But perhaps it was partially me. There was a third person in our relationship, and it was the man that kept calling and listened while you were too busy for me. He was one that i have known for a lifetime. He took me out to dinner, told me time was precious and had deep conversation about life, love, culture, bringing up kids and much much more. We speak all the time these days. He was always there when i was upset. A shoulder to cry on. But then he became a little more than a friend. A little bit of a day dream. I told him we were over. He was like great and then retracted. I told him i felt better and relieved to have called it off. Your right to stray off at this moment in time. There is another in my life. Nothing happening yet but its blooming. I think i had to be with you to appreciate a good man. To appreciate him. To put me off white men forever and appreciate my own. The cricket helps that tad much more. United in our patriotism for where we come from. Proud and Lankan, together we stand.

Of being proud of my own

Maybe being with a white man was never meant to be. I watch the cricket and feel an affinity for my world. For my Lanka and the men that come with it. Its about being proud of who you are. Sticking to what you know and appreciating the multitude of layers that come from a brown man. I've become who i have because of where i come from. And together with a man, we will become a team and continue to shine. And goodbye to the dry toast, the infidelity and dodgyness of it all. Hello to sucess, honesty, family and trust.

Thankyou, goodbye

And its over, just like that. This time there are no regrets. I gave this all i had. I trusted, i worked on myself and i let him in to my life. I reached out and i fell in love. Yes i got trampled all over but i was capable of loving again. And this time i found something that does not work and i walked away. I said goodbye to him. And i really am not looking back. He's not worth the friendship even. And I come out appreciating more of my own culture, knowing how important communication is and how fundamental to a relationship being able to talk to each other are. Perhaps many years ago i made the right decision in letting him go. In haste i fell for him to make myself feel better when another man in my life was treating me like shit. Was this an extended rebound. I just need to be careful not to jump straight in this time. Yes there is a man on my mind. Take my time and let love build.

Time to move forwards without looking back

This is just something that got messier and messier. And it was really the lack of communication. I've never been able to express my feelings, he's never really been there when i've been upset. I've felt neglected all along. And a best friend has been there when i needed a chat and a shoulder to cry on. He waited patiently while i did silly things. I hope i don't lose his heart. A man so trustworthy and lovely. One who's actions follow his words. One who calls me. One who cares about me. One who i can't get wrong because we have been friends for so long. Why have i been blind all this time.

Who cares what he thinks?

He's out of my life. I don't really care. Its all a big waste. I've learnt a lot about myself. I've grown out of this. I've come to appreciate my own. And the men that appreciate me. Sometimes the men are right in front of you. The real good ones that have been there all along.

I was scared of leaving you

Mainly because i am thirty and i thought perhaps i would never meet anyone else that would want to marry me again. This is the first time anyone has ever introduced me to their family and vice versa. You also let me into your friends, your friendship circles. I don't understand at all why you act the way you do and about all this infidelity. You say one thing but mean another. Babe - Last week i was in love with you. I would of stayed. I'll never really know what went through your head. What possessed you to cut me out of that picture? I'll always wonder if its just you or an illness. Today i asked you something work related. You looked slightly elated. There was no love in our eyes. I was platonic and flat, you told me what you needed to know. It was like you were a stranger.

Tomorrow will be a big day

So work is back in full blast but we have yet another work function and he will be there but so will all there is to him and I. I've walked away already in my head. He's slowly fading away. Soon he will not even leave a mark. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

What happened to the man i fell for

Another day has ended. He sets a mere few meters away but not a word to me. Its funny, how you can fall for someone and they walk away without even a glance and don’t even bother to say goodbye. The immaturity astounds me. Is it mental illness, is it mere immaturity? Surely people can’t behave this way on purpose. I’m sad for what I fell for, that its come to this. I’m ready to move on. How to tell him.