New rules on life and dating

Rule No 1: Never sleep with a guy in the first three dates

Rule No 2: Never have more than two drinks on a date within the first three dates

Rule No. 3: Never have more than 2 drinks on a school night

Rule No. 4: Never pretend to be someone i am not

The rest will come but i think i have figured out what will be a solid foundation for the future.

The learning curve of life

My whole life, i meet men and mistake the lust and the sparkle for love. Those intense moments limited by certain barriers, time, space, location which makes it all the more exciting.

All those womanizers i dated that someone passed through my filters as romantic.

So this guy, he messages after midnight, its all about the drinking and convenience and will call when he's in town. My messages lay to rest for many a day.

I was dreaming of a lifetime together, clasping onto straws when there was no substance. Lust clouds judgement and that is all. Sex and love are two different things to men.

So i've made some mistakes. Slept with him too early and called him a few too many times. 

Whats a girl to do when she still harbours a little hope in her heart for him but is aware of the hurt and heart ache which awaits.

So the next week she will wait on the sidelines. She will be busy and she will not see him. Practise a certain self restraint and see what happens. 

If he is into me, he will make it happen. If he is not, then let it be.....

Love to hate to hatred

From love to hurt to hatred. 

Tears roll as i think of trust destroyed, hope shattered. I never really knew him, just craved for something that didn't exist. Something special, exciting, life changing. I wanted to fall crazy in love. 

In reality its another world. Am i chasing illusions? giving him a false sense of light? 

He just another egostatistical man, looking for a fling and preying on naive young girls with starry eyes. He's not who i thought he was.

Yesterday i dreamt of falling asleep in his eyes. Today i feel emptiness in my heart.

Just another Jerk

So i call him

He'd received my messages all along, he'd had a chance to get in touch, he just hadn't didn't, wouldn't.

So while i pinned away dreaming of him, he was back in sydney without a care in the world.

It hurts.

Who gives a shit yeah?

Probably best to forget a man like him.  He doesn't seem to be all he's cracked up to be.

Disapointment, tears, he's not worth it.

In a dream

So out of the blue when  least expect it, he calls. He had lost his phone back in hong kong and had gone through tests of will and testament to regain my number. Old phone bills, memories, he searched far and low until success, his perserverance proved a success.

And so to make it special when he lay eyes on her again it was with red roses and a moonlight walk along the beach. Her eyes sparkled, her hair glistened as he gently cupped her face in his hands and leaned in for a gentle kiss. With the ocean thrashing in the background against the sand and the whole world slipping away they embrace . Its just perfect, all the waiting and the trials and tribulations all seem so worthwhile at this one moment. 

If only dreams can come true.....

Waiting for a call

So once again i find myself with those pangs of anxiety that comes from wiaiting for a call. 

Will he? Won't he?

Does he love me? Does he love me not?

And over and over again it goes in my head.

I try to keep busy, i try to do things, i try to keep busy. 

My mind wanders, back to him, his gorgeous eyes, that smile, the way he made me feel.

Why is love so complicated?

I wish for him to call.

Hurt too many times

Sometimes i want to cry. Cry because i'm at that stage where there has been too many men, too many broken hearts. Its hard to trust someone.

I want somebody to love so badly, yet i also value my freedom and love feeling that special attraction.

But throwing down the towers around me is so very hard. What if he is not interested? What if i get hurt once again?

Sometimes i just want to say goodbye to these feelings i feel for him. They are too intense, too hard. 

I want to cry. 

I like him but he is not here. I don't know where he is. He is not making an effort to getting in touch.

Do i forget about him. just let it go cos life like that?

Moments of excitement

Once again i am in love.

In anticipation of exciting days, what may or may not be. 

I love the feeling and hate it at the same time. Passion flowing freely, trust cautiously appearing out of a shell, a few walls crumbling down.

And that small bit of fright, a little bit of scared for what might be, what he may not feel.

Isn't this what love is all about? I want to get to the other side but without these feelings there may not be another side.

So i sigh and i wait for the future to unravel.

Another note to S

Dear S,

Its been about 18 months now since we last set eyes on one another and about six months since i last wrote a note to you and sent it to the wind. 

Life has changed once again. The whole world has really. The financial crisis is beginning to hit my life and things seem not so stable. I wonder how you are going with it all? From memory you invested a lot. And those shares you advised me to buy, well they didn't crash as badly as others but crash they did. I think i'll hold onto them, hoping in the long term they will grow.  How has the crisis effected you, is that now your home or is it elsewhere?

And onto other parts of life, is there a special girl in your life? Yes the one that replaced myself? For me you see i have once again met the man of my dreams. Dashing, handsome, intelligent, successful, charming and confident.  He makes me feel so special. Its another one of those romances in the sky. Fairytales through another time.

Only time will tell how life unholds. Once again i hope your well. I think of you sometimes but no longer in that way. Still i wonder whatever happened to you and us.... 

Everything i wanted to become i became

What do you do when life has worked out exacty as you anticipated. Everything your parents dreamt you'd become, you have outreached.  Your walking on a tight rope high up in the clouds with no sign of falling off.

Confident in the world of men and ego's, you walk confidently into the future. Graceful, classy, powerful. The future just gets brighter and brighter. Succeeding in a mans world doesn't seem so difficult.

Yet the everyday politics, those notions creeping into your head as you wonder about success. Does it make you hppy?, do you need something more? If you need something more, then what would that be?

Life is full of questions. Sometimes we need to be careful what we dream of for dreams do come true.

As one door closes another one opens

So i've met the most wonderful man, perhaps even the one i have been waiting for. 

He's been on the sidelines for some time -- always planning to meet but never really making it.  It was somehow meant to be.

Confident, clever, good looking and just the type of guy you could spend a sunday morning with, looking dreamily into each others eyes. 

Butterflies, anticipation, special memories forming.

Life is good.