Feeling something special for you still

I am genuinely happy for you. And I think you miss me too even though you are not saying it. Its a hard bond to walk away from but we both know that time will only tell and holding on is not the way of the universe. All we can do now is to be kind, caring, compassionate and supportive of each other and see if in the future in some way shape or form our paths will cross again.

And I have a great life. Dinner party last night with lovely ladies. Salsa dancing with another friend. Enjoying spending time with my mum. Then all these activities to do. Suddenly I have a new life that I love. Meditation is coming back. Spiritual growth and new beginnings are at bay.

A shift is already happening. Tomorrow is the start of a new year for me. And I am excited for what awaits. Whatever it may be. What a life!

What i mistook for something special

I was just walking around you.  Being the first guy in two years to be with me i needed your approval. And you came and you went and i tried letting you go only to find you came yoyoing back.

But what we had was not trust. The last day you were here before you left you had five minutes for me and 2 hours for some call center to save ten dollars. You made $400 that day. That was the amount i was not worth.

Maybe it was delusion for me to hold on to you. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise as its only that you are gone that i can see the flaws of what we have. You don't know me.

And perhaps we both used each other. For sure the spiritual growth was mutual. But the physical was lust and not much care. Maybe for both you and I.

The saddest part is that you have left my heart. It's what i wanted but its sad when you actually leave and i no longer want to be with you.

And its another relationship down. Goodbye to an amazing man. I hope our friendship will continue beyond love.

You are not perfect - just as i am not too

You are so public. The nudity isn't making me feel so comfortable in your latest video. Also i am not impressed at your use of social media at such a place. Not that i can talk at all. I just feel not right.

You are not the best looking guy either.

Is this a shift in my feelings?

I'm a private conversation type of girl. And until now i have been doing what you want. Maybe the reason what i want does not matter is the delusion in myself that you want to be with me. Its ok really.

With tears in my eyes i accept. But not with a bad thought. My tears are not for you. For not realising this sooner.

I think i am getting over you faster than i ever thought. Not sure what it is but it brings a tear to my eyes because i really thought i saw something in you and I. Something tonight makes me think it is wishful thinking.

But i wish you the most amazing spiritual journey ever.

Just that my time in your sidelines is over.  I hope we stay in touch and thankyou for being that person that i needed to meet to get y life back on track.

Thank you thank you.

Feeling a deep sense of unrest for the world i live in

I feel a shift is happening. I am living in luxury and an almost heaven, yet i waste so much time.

In a talk last night a monk said if you are going to do something, give it all you have got. And i am just not doing that.

I really need to get back into my meditation to get the peaceful feeling back. I feel better than i have as a younger self. Yet In my current more enlightened state i feel its time for a deeper change.

The passion for work has gone but that could be due to the situation of the business not doing well and me not having much to do. But i am enjoying a work life balance for the first time ever. Its nice in a lot of ways to pursue all these extra spiritual activities, reconnect with family and friends and even take up salsa dancing.

It's also time to say goodbye to the man who was never mine to begin with. Perhaps i have learnt all the lessons from him already. So so many that i have learnt. He has enriched my life and I, his. Sharing his knowledge of Yoga and Vendanta and i was able to let him into my world of buddhist mediation. I also got so much more from him. Appreciation for being connected with all in the world and treating everyone with kindness and compassion. To be friends with everyone.

That sounds really bad but my world was filled with the same type of successful people before him. Expanding this has brought such enrichment.

And i am sure my patience and way of approaching life has taught him things.

But our time has come to an end. Where we are holding each other back by holding on. At least i am. He is deep in meditation and will most likely find the spaciousness to let go.

I have a meditation retreat this saturday. I am really looking forward to that for some inner peace.The thing i crave the most these days. Even more that this man.

How life has changed. And all for the better.

New Beginings

So i let myself get lost for a week to indulge in missing him and let my life slide a bit. Sometimes you just need to do that.

But now its time for a new beginning and getting back into all these good and beautiful.

Here's what i am letting back into my life:

1. Meditation
2. Yoga
3. See my mum more
4. Keeping the place clean and tidy
5. healthy eating
6. Back into the gym regularly
7. Salsa dancing
8. Setting up my website
9. Getting that insurance and starting to teach
10. Charity work
11. More workshops
12. Dinner parties for Yogis
13. Forgive and forget and rebuild some old friendhsips


The next six months will be a life changer. 

Tonight you are all i want but time will change that

Baby - you are all i can think about.  I miss you but in awe of what you are doing.

I know its early days and i will slowly forget. Time has a way of making memories fade.

I will eventually say goodbye and fine another. A year is a long time no matter what fibs we give to ourselves.

Lets enjoy this moment while we still have it.  And look back with a smile when its gone and we both end up living different lives.

Thankyou for being part of my life. You have enriched it in more ways than you could ever know so thank you. I hope i have done the same for you.

Maybe it will just be us together

Perhaps i could wait a year. He is such a lovely soul. And we help each other grow. And support each other. I feel there is a connection here than can last. One that does not expect or cling or attach. One that lets go but i have a world of respect for him.

I want to grow and learn with him in this spiritual journey and maybe oneday if our paths cross, we could be together. 

Tonight just feels happy and peaceful

I'm doing the refugee challenge and i so appreciate the life i have. I miss a man but grateful to have a great experience.

I have everything i need right now to be peaceful and content. And sometimes its just not knowing that which gives you the grief.

Amazing cht with mum where i really learnt where the grief comes from.

Grateful for the life i have and happiness

I wish i could cry

But the tears don't come. I miss you. that you are not here. But i get why its better than way.

Your amazing and special.

I hope our paths will cross again. In this lifetime hopefully. But then maybe in another. But i can see myself being happy for a lifetime with you. Your touch, your hugs, your generosity and your amazing amazing ability to make the world a better place.

You are my everything. and i miss you.

on crying my tears of joyness and sadness

 Maybe we have said goodbye a thousand or a hundread thousand or a million times. The first night you held me tight in your arms - i felt like i had reconnected with you. This feeling is not from this lifetime.

And as i say goodbye to you again. We will meet again - maybe in this lifetime, maybe in another. But the spiritual lesson we both must learn is to let go and not attach to each other. That will be when real growth occurs.

We both get this. But the attraction is still strong. Still gentle. Still working.

I will miss you. Bt i won't hold on for that is better for you and me in both our respective spiritual journeys.

Fly safe my friend, my teacher, my lover, my dad, my mother - for most likely you have played all these roles for us to feel so close. 

Wow what a journey

And tonight he leaves but what a spiritual journey of growth i have been on. Genuinely at peace albeit a little sad and leaving on a great relationship. A heartfelt hug and gentle kiss.

I've learnt so much about peace and relationships and the beauty of life and generosity and having a partner where you can learn from each other. But also how to let go and just be so happy for someone.

Both our paths will diverge and the full moon tonight is oh so representative of what we have gained and what we are leaving behind.

He flied off on his spiritual journey. I i start a new chapter in my own spiritual journey right here in my own house.

Its funny how i actually met his mum and dad and niece for the first time tonight. And how lovely they are and a family i could be a part of.

His parting words to me : Maybe our paths will cross again.

So universe who knows. I am letting go truly in my head and heart. With a little tear to shed but genuine happiness and awe for the path he is taking.

Any other time in my life this would have been oh so different. We taught each other to be better people.  And i thank him for being part of my life and making such a significant impact even if just for a short time.

I love you as i love every other human and non human on this planet. May you meet with your peace and happiness and joy and make a difference in this world.