Light bulb moment

So this is one realtionship i really do not want to stuff up, yet i know there are some things that are fundamentally wrong with me and also certain issues that i have not worked through in my head which may be impacting on the way i feel and behave.

So yesterday i went and saw a councillor. And it was mass moments of revelations that i had not even thought of. The reasons i thought were clear and simple, were just not the case.

So the the alcoholism from my dad in my childhood and the constant fighting and tension filled air of my childhood is having an effect on me despite my close relationship with my family these days. It seems i have learnt to be anxious through childhood because thats all i know and i associate it with any close relationships.

Hence why i feel that way regardless of how good things are going. The last two days, the strategies she helped me out with together with being conscious of this has really helped.

Its tough but i want to make the new man in my life work. Its not all rosy, but life is about compromise.

On meeting his family

So xmas lunch was just about perfect. Something i know how to play well is being the perfect girlfriend in front of the parents. Flowers for his mother and chocolates for the others.

I'm all that is poise and elegance. A simple yet sweet dress, understated Tiffany no's and a beautiful smile on my face.

It was lovely spending time with him. Holding his hand, cuddling up in his arms

Dig Dig Dig

You know when something goes wrong and you try to put a bandaid on it and it just gets worse and worse.

Well i'm not sure about this new relationship. It was all good for a bit. And then one day he got drunk and forgot about some commitments he made with me, and then i gave him the silent treatment and then i realised he still had an online profile and then he took it down and didn't feel like speaking to me, and then i felt bad for getting mad at him and then tried making it up by calling him, but he kept avoiding me, and then he kept getting sick and i kept flying off to sydney and then his career was not going so well and then all of a sudden i won an award even though i thought mine was going as shit and then i said soemthing to belittle his ego at work and then he started avoiding me on the phone unless it was to do with him directly but all along he still had an open invite to meet his family and tomorrow i will meet his but i;m not so sure because in the last day he put his profile up but i am meant to trust him so i should not even know this.

Life is tough. Do i say nothing and keep the peace. I can always walk away another day.

The things is i have already told my parents about you. I wish i had realised that you had put your profile back up. If i had of known, you would not mention a word. In fact i would go to my parents instead of yours.

Corinthians 13:4

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

I wonder why he just doesn't

He ignores my calls and my messages. Puts me off for days on end.

Yet he seems so into me at the same time. Where once my gut would tell me to walk away, this time i feel so secure that he is completely into me.

The old me craves to drop him and to run away. But then i think of what we could be and don't want to take a lifetime away.

Do i need to stand up for myself in terms of respect and my feelings? Am i strong enough for him to walk all over me and still not make it matter so much?

Whats the go? What should i do? Do i go with my gut? Do i love him in patiance hoping one day he will be there emotionally for me while today i just learn to deal with myself.

It's tempting to just ignore him, to let this go. But then i feel like i am walking away...

At the end of the day he makes me happy

Sometimes i just need to realise that i have some poisonous influences in my life and friends that are less than after thats best for me.

My man makes me feel so secure. Like i am the girl on the pedestal which was the reason no other girl measured up. I'm the dream girl he thought was out of reach that suddenly became a reality.

He's wonderful and he treats me well.

I love him. I can't wait to meet his family at xmas and for him to meet mine over the break.

Fairytales in reality is just beginning to form.

He's in his cave and i feel lonely

Sometimes you just want to speak to your man. Or you need to speak to your man.

But his emotions are different and he needs his space.

We are all different in this world.  I know, i know.

In reality i love him and i wish he would too. I want to settle down with him, have his children and spend the rest of our lives together.

A turning point in life perhaps....

My careers still taking off at a million miles an hour

I just thought temporarily that it wasn't. A little bit of politics and maybe a little bit of influence from dating a colleague whose career is not going so well.

But i was at that xmas party last night. Not trying all that hard but completely confident in my own shoes. I was hot but in that classy, stylish, fully composed manner. I was humble too. I didn't even realise he was talking about me for the award until i heard my name.

I am a somebody. People see me an impressive. I am going places. I got "stuck" in a conversation with the dude that runs the show.

The thing is i am going places. I am recognised. People look at me and what i have achieved in such a short time and think i am amazing

The thing is i am.

So the career i thought i was losing is alive and kicking and moving in leaps and bounds once again. Perhaps somethings never change. I am destined for success after success...

i feel secure with you

The problems of yesterday still remain. We have not caught up properly for three weeks but working together we have exchanged many a loving glance and a raised eyeborw. Your stressed about career and have entered your cave. My wings have been unclipped and i am happily making the world spin.

I miss you. I crave your touch and your smile and your kiss. I will wait patiently on the sidelines even though i am upset.

I'm sad

Today i just confronted him. And he took it down straight away. He was apologetic. He said sorry. He said i was the only one.

The thing is I'm sad. I have a date for tomorrow night. I'm thinking of heading upto sydney and considering other men.

Deep down i want you. I'm scared. I know your crazy about me.

As down to earth as i may be, i;m just used t grant gentures of empty love. How do i adjust to a man thats true to his word and get rid of all the hurt from my past.

Its been a sad weekend. Emotionally exhausted.

Trouble in Paradise

He cancelled on me because he went out and got drunk with a colleague. Sent a few measly texts of apology, thirty mins after we were meant to catch up. I am silent.

Today nothing.

I'm going through mixed emotions. Anger and being upset. A little bit of crying and a little bit of wanting to hurl abuse his way and a little bit of knowing that this is the first blemish and its not such a big deal and that i want to get through this.

I want to tell him that i wish he could grow some balls and just pick up the phone. Harsh - something i never would say to his face but having a rant online is all i need.

This is why it never worked out first time around. What about now?
Does he still harbour the same feelings?

Work has been stressful lately

It has. And thats only been part of it.

It doesn't help that the man that i thought was wodnerful is acting like a dick in his own way. I still have tears in my eyes. Even if he never realises how hurt i am.

The thing is i am in a successful position and life is where ii am looking to take it. Today , someone looked at me and womdered how i had got so far.

Goodbye to all the shit. Should i really do this?

I have a man i do truly love. I am hurt by him in two ways. The first because he always cancels and his words don't mean all that much. The second, he still has a dating profile up.

Tonight i'm home alone and crying

I'm hurt. I was looking forward to spending time with him.

All the things he does not do - the flowers, the taking me out to fancy restaurants i let slide. But the thing is, i kind of miss those gentures.

Perhaps i have moved too fast. Faster than he has moved.

Do i confront him about his profile?

I'm hurt

We were meant to catch up tonight. We made a time and we made a plan and we had a place.
I kept my word and gave up a few worlds as they came up as i had already made plans with you.

But tonight you decided to get drunk and then went home to sleep and ignored my two calls and msg and twenty minutes later told me you couldn't make it.

You suck.

So my first retaliation is to think of other men. Tim the construction dude that wanted to catch up tonight, or my friend thats out on the town tonight or that last minute invite to the xmas party.

But the thing is i prioritised you before it all. And you chose to not prioritise me in the same way.

Its a tough one. I want this to work but i am hurt at the same time. I needed to talj to you as i was stressed, i cooked for you, i put you first.

Perhaps this is a life lesson in not making you my world.

My gut tells me to love you but i want some respect.

The things is tonight you make me cry. And i get measley texts from you. I want more than that.  The thing is you have a profile up still. Is it me you even want?

Reveling in the Normal

It was a typical day at work and there was the odd occasional smile and touch to say hello when no one is looking. It is that crazy anticpation and excitment of thinking of your lover, knowing that he is a few meters away but that no one else knows of our secret office romance.  Its picking out his voice from a floor away as he orders his coffee and being concious of another in my surroundings. Its about wanting to be more feminine and gentle and the way he makes me feel so special.

It just makes life fun.

I feel so secure. There are no games. Today he called to see how i was and make plans for the weekend. We know we will see each other a few times a week and its just a matter of when, not if.

I love the way he holds me all night. The way he brushes my hair to the side. The way he kisses me.

Om meeting mr right

When you meet the right man, its easy to realise why it never worked out with another.....

He's wonderful

I so feel a part of his life in every way that matters. The other night, we were ever so normal. Supermarkets, home cooked dinners, your gorgeous dog, discussions on property prices and the way our minds work, culture and beauty and the nature of human emotion.

We held each other all night. You kissed my forehead and you looked into my eyes. We just fit, we just work.

I told my sister about him today. I'm taking him to dinner with my cousins. I'm meeting his family at xmas. I feel secure and content.

Its like i'm at the right emotional state, i've learnt my life lessons and know how to make a relationship work.  I value holding of hands, being called pretty and being introduced to all thats important in his life over two hat restaurants, diamonds at Tiffany's, being swept off your feet, flowers and grand gentures as they come.

I'm with the one

Ups and downs , it all does not matter. This is a time to believe in my heart and my gut.

He is genuine, he is kind, he is everything i want in a man.

Gone are the days of two hat restaurants, flowers on whim and being whisked off my feet temporarily and those amazing highs lead by the worst lows ever.

Hello to a man that opens doors, calls me baby, holds my hand and introduces me to his best friends and family and wants to hold me tight through the night.

I have a man and i trust him and i just need to open up with him.