On being an everybody else

Business school is a funny place. It frightens you, it pushes you, it tears apart your life into pieces and makes you pick yourself up when you least want to. It pushes you endlessly to really find out who your real friends are, what matters most in life and see the true shades of all around you.

Little by little you start hating this cauldron of capitalism but them in moments of despaire you find this incredible support network of people that have walked in your shoes before, of people that are walking beside you now and of people who are eagerly awaiting to be where you are and also people that dream of being where you are.

And yes it defines you but it also makes you stronger. Makes you realise whats important. Makes you prioritise what it is you want in life.

For all the bitterness in my life, i have simply learnt some life lessons faster than i would have otherwise. Got a little closer to myself and a little closer to that picture of the man i want to spend the rest of my life with.

Only time will tell but i suspect as i have every other time, i will look back with a smile and a good riddance for a man that just wasn't strong enough to be part of my life.

I'm spectacular and every thing in my life is spectacular. You were ordinary and bringing me down with you.

Thankyou for the lessons and for being such a flake. Thats what makes it easy to walk away from you. 

The world at your fingertips

These days i've been feeling good. A sense of relief to be free of him even though i never had the guts to break it off myself. A sense that he was holding me back.

And its raining men these days. How do you choose who you give your heart to.

I feel like things are going right again. I'm more open and emotional and i love it. I'm smart and capable but know myself so well that i can figure out whats important in life.

Life just works. 

An element of desperation

Its exactly 9.13PM and all is quiet in the business school library and syndicate rooms. All working away with momentary lapses into craziness, sheer terror, panic and an occasional game of foosball thrown in for good measure. Its a finance midterm tomorrow morning and there is a general level of alarm in the air.

A group of people who signed up and paid to put themselves through torture and challenge. At this moment its hard to see why we do this but all we can hope is that one day we will look back and see how this has made us stronger somehow. 

4am

I woke up at 4am, sweating and in a panic over not knowing how arbitrage works between fixed and floating point interest rates and currencies.

This is my life. 

Stressful moments in business school

I had a test this morning, just like every week on mondays and wednesdays. I have a presentation to give tomorrow on airline pricing mechanisms. Another country skit of global business economics on wednesday and a finance midterm i haven't started studying for on thursday that looks ever so foerign. I've forgotten what cases i have, exams approaching and a trip to China.

Its a stressful moment in business school where it just feels ever so overwhelming. Its that last leg to freedom and so close to the finish line but a lifetime of work away.

I've lost my relationship, i've lost that enthusiasm for business and that ambition of early days. I feel someone defeated, a little bit closer to myself. I'm not sleeping, i'm not eating.

I feel like i am living in a constant state of panic. I just can't wait until April.

Saying goodbye

I new what i was doing today. I asked to meet with you. I asked to speak with you. You said no. I sent you an email and initiated my own closure.

I knew that the best way to get you back was to let it be. But i moved things forward so i could move on. Its that fine line between the patience and pain being worth it or not. Yes i made a mistake but dwelling on these things gets you nowhere.

You've turned into someone i don't know. Your no longer the guy i fell for. I have gotten over many a man with an email of closure. And pressing send was a sense of associated relief to get on with life. Its also made me wonder if i want you back.

I always hoped you'd come back to me in a period when i hadn't left in my head.

Its another thankyou, goodbye.

On learning about yourself and being a better person

On reflection, this MBA is about growth. Personal growth and intellectual simulation. I can regret chasing dreams and it ruining something in my laugh.

But at the end of the day this is simply helping me to grow and become a better person. The stress that i'm experience right now and getting caught up in the world that has made me lose perspective. It was likely to happen in the future also. And i would have reacted and acted and done and said things i didn't mean. But in the future it has far greater implications and with the pace of life much slower, it had the potential to cause more slow gradual damage which would have been worse.

Knowing how you react to stress is important. Knowing your limitations is important. Them being tested and finding out earlier is important. Knowing that a relationship can weather a storm is important.

I know for the future to be a different person. I was destructive when together, i was jealous and tried to make you jealous of me.  Like attracts like and perhaps now that i have removed and dealt with that jealousy, perhaps its time for you and I to end. I have learnt my lesson and perhaps the future does not hold for us.

I look back and am truly sorry for the way i treated you. For going after another man, for flirting, for not valuing your opinion, for cutting you down and for getting mad, angry and irrational. I really did try to improve myself while i was with you and did all i could to be a good person. Life just threw in its pressure and at times i lost it.  I always wanted to communicate with you more and did feel a missing link. I think that missing link was not knowing what it was that you were bottling up all the time that made you burst like this.

It's sad that you can throw this away like this. That there is no decency of a conversation or an offer for reconciliation, closure or friendship. Your running away from life and i guess in a lot of ways it says a lot about you. I know your doing your best with what you know. I know your hurting.

If we are meant to be we will be. Otherwise we came together for a brief moment in time to learn some life lessons. I've learnt and grown and know i will be a better person for it. I have no regrets in life for all our mistakes are life lessons that make us a better person and life is about constantly improving ourselves.

Goodbye to you my star crossed lover. Thank you for the good times and the memories and making me feel so special. I'll miss you and only time will tell what becomes of us.

I'm just another one, just like the rest of them

They tell you things about business school. About breaking ups and stress levels and losing yourself and finding yourselves and moments of despair and panic and pleasure and loss.

You think your not one of them. That somehow your better than them. But the thing is your human too. You get caught up in it all. The stress kicks in and then they increase the dial. They throw a million things at you, once in a lifetime opportunities amongst the threats of failure and ruin. You don't know which way to look.

Some times i look around and see looks of pure panic and alarm around me.  I feel sick. I lose sight of who i am. I make mistakes. It takes you breaking up with me to take the time to stop and realise this.

But you know what. Life is tough right now but i am proud of myself. I am a good person. I did the best i could.

If you decide to walk away from me, i will let you go.

I am no longer the girl by your side. 

On being the best person you could possibly be

Everything i have done to date is just me being me and trying my best to be the best person i can be. Yes i make mistakes. Yes sometimes i am irrational and not always perfect. I say things i don't mean and every now and then loose myself. I go off on tangents, down the right paths and off track at times.

In the end i make it work. In the end i apologise when i need to, forgive when i need to and thank myself and feel proud when i need to.

The MBA pushes you. It has your hot buttons and pressure points all round.  I was doing too much and chasing other peoples dreams, trying to impress people i don't respect to get a job that i don't care to have. I lost sight of who i was and where i was going and what was important to me and lost sight of those that love me, care for me and support me the most.

It took him breaking up with me to learn a life lesson. He has tured cold and hard and into someone i do not know.

There are many a man in the see. I am a beautiful person. You can accept me for who i am with all my flaws or you can leave my life and fading memories will be all there is.

I'm feeling better now. 

All the lessons i have learnt

* Family provides unconditional support and love in times of need
* Your true friends will call you in the middle of the night if you need to cry.
* To appreciate the balance and friendships in life
* Work is just a means to an end. It's not going to wipe away your tears
* That i make mistakes and i will in the future. I will own up to them and grow and learn from them. What i need in a man is one that accepts me for me and all my imperfections and is committed to working through the difficult times.
* Life is beautiful
* I have a wonderful life
* The freshair and the beauty of where i live is a luxury not many will ever see
* That wallowing is punishing yourself for being human.
* That perhaps i idealised what we had.  I felt insecure with you.  Is this something that can be worked on and overcome. Yes definitely but it needs two people.
* That sometimes you need to let someone go and if they come back to you and your still in that headspace it might work out.
* That only the future knows what life has installed for us. It's about enjoying moments.
* That in your lowest hour the people that come to your aid, take your breath away. Its beautiful the amount of love and support i have. One day i will look back on this and see it as a show of love and effection from loved ones.

Thankyou for the memories

People have had their heart broken before, someone's heart is getting broken right now, people will have their hearts broken again in the future.

Life is wonderful. It's hard to see through the fog sometimes.

So yesterday i was in denial. I apologised for my mistakes. I tried reaching out to you. At the same time i leant on friends and family and found that i was never alone. The investment i made the last few years in strengthening these really shows when in times of hardship. From two friends that called at 3AM to listen to me cry to a friend who kept me company at 6AM so i wouldn't be alone to my mum and dad who told me to come back home for a few days so i can be looked after. Constant calls from friends and coffees and concern and talking about life.

Yes what we had was wonderful. Some things were not working. I think i made a pretty big mistake. But the thing is i did the best i could with the knowledge and communication skills i have. I realised my mistake and i apologised to you. I may have lost you and something that could have been. But in reality, i will always make mistakes and i will always look to learn and grow from them. Forgiveness and growing together are part of relationships. If you can tell me one night that your dad and me are the most important aspects of your life right now and then break up with me the next day and walk away so easily. Well then perhaps i am just idealising what i no longer have.

I woke up this morning with mixed emotion. I looked at myself in the mirror and told me i looked beautiful. I went for a walk in the fresh air and felt like throwing my arms wide, laughing with joy and tears. I'm lucky to have all that i have. I have beautiful friends and family. I am taking a year off to study and grow and develop myself even more. I am learning so much about myself. I live in a beautiful city, have no money worries, I have a heart of gold and love myself.

This is me. I'm sorry. You breaking up with me and delivered more life lessons that i thought. I realised i didn't appreciate you enough and i'll know to act differently in the future. To catch myself if i'm being silly and taking someone for granted.  Someone beautiful relationship in the future will benefit from the pain of today. Will that be you and I? Will that be another? Only time will tell.

It's also made me realise a few things. That study pushes your buttons. The stress of life accumulates.  You can run after the stars and one thing after another but its those that are closest to you that will be there in times of need.  You brand new beamer isn't going to comfort you when your world feels like its ending.  I think this has given me the reality check i needed on career. I'm not looking for the next best thing. I'm happy here in melbourne, working where i am and doing great things. I don't need to chase some elusive future when what i have here is wonderful.

At the end of it all, i think your a great guy and i'm sorry for not trying harder. But then sometimes you just need to accept that it takes two to build a future and if your willing to walk away, perhaps it wasn't all that i thought it was. Perhaps i'm not what your looking for. Perhaps your not the one that i will be sharing my life with.

Either way, Thankyou for the memories and the life lessons that i will treasure in my heart for always.