I've opened a wound

I called him yesterday and i opened up another wound. He never called me. He never wanted to.

I just feel sad. I know sometimes i need to make an effort. But this hurts. I crave to be with him but he's just not here. And now some chick is wondering how he is in facebook.

Something in me thinks that he thinks i am his world. Reality check makes me think i am a nobody.

So i stopped playing these stoopid games and gave him a call

It was a hello how are you, we had something when we first men but it fizzled out but i think a friendship is definitely in order.

It was a nice chat. The ball is in your court now.

Deep down i want it to turn into something. Write now i'll take friendship and perhaps it will grow into something beautiful.

I want my stuff back

We are over but you still have my stuff. I want it back.

Before it was a potential contact point. To have my stuff with you. Now i want nothing to do with you, but i love some of the things i used to own. I even tried replacing it but somethings are not that easy to replace.

I need to find a way to get it back. Without any involvement from myself.

I don't want you anymore. Just my belt. You've lost your stronghold on me. I have a new crush. He does not know it yet but i feel that he would feel ecstatic to think of me as his partner in crime for life.

I'm in love from a distance

There is a man at work that has been there for a while. I never noticed him however. He is there none the less.

P, i wonder if i have a chance with you. We have so much in common, sharing the same birth country and possibly a whole lot of values. We have been supportive of each other. We are both moving onto bigger and better things.

I just need to suss this out now that i have realized i have a crush on you! Perhaps you have felt something for me all along?

Are you the one at work? Are you the man?

You have been right in front of me, and its only now that i notice.

A List to the rescue in a moment of clouded judgement

Sometimes there is nothing better than a pro's and con's list to bring to perspective a so called fairytale you may have in your head.

I made one for G and It gives you perspective. The pro's are appended with "once" which really goes to sure that what i fell for was more in my mind, replaying moments that may or may not have been real. Then the cons list starts adding up and i start thinking about why i even want to go there.

What i felt at first was just another infatuation. He's just another in my past. Just as M and David and Andre are the men in the past, G is too.

I've been thinking of R lately. Sometimes i think we are perfect for each other. If only this was not a muddle of friendships and lovers. 

I loved that gave every moment all i had

For the first time in my life i met a man i was sure i loved and let him go without even trying. I remained passive in the sidelines.

For all the men that i wore my heart on my sleeve only for them to trod all over it, i do not regret a moment. For i did the best i could, i let go of pride and i have answers that they were simply just not into me.

With G, i never even called him. I walked away before the curtains closed. Should i go back?

Whats the worst that can happen? He will tell me he never wants to see me ever again? What do i lose? Perhaps some pride? Perhaps i will feel hurt? At least i will have closure. I definitely won't have regrets.

One day i need to get in touch with him. To say hello, to find out....

A little bit of life on the edge

It never hurt. For a few years i had not done anything crazy. Leaping out of planes, climbing the worlds peaks, traversing waterfalls.

And then last month i climbed another mountain, (or tried to), i dived to the ocean floor. I pushed myself beyong my limits and i survived I remembered this feelings that i love so much.

I have not changed. This is what i love to do.

One day i will be in touch

Dear G

I think sometimes its better to give it all you have. If you win you win. If you lose, its the next best thing. The worst is knowing you walked away from a could have been.

Right now i'm not ready to call you. In a few months time i will. Just to see how you are. To be friends. To go for that run or hike.

Perhaps one day we will be more. Perhaps one day we will be friends.

Its sad what came of us. We were fireworks that fizzled into mediocracy.

This is the year i wear red

And i will shine like the glitter that i am. I will stand out as i was destined. I will turn heads at every corner.

I am the women every man craves for. I am the elusive one that only the best of the best can capture. My heart is open to love fiercely but only for the ultimate man. One day i will find him.

To date they have all been too weak. The ultimate man is one that can take the exciting with the fierce loyalty and return it back with equal force. D did not make it. M did not make it. G did not make it.

The next one will. 

Today i feel relief

I started deleting so called "friends" on facebook and it was a feeling of liberation. Then i started wondering who would care if i simply disappeared.

I deactivated my account. Its such a time waster. My true friends know how to find me.

I wonder who will notice? I wonder who will care?

I wonder if anyone cares?

I went on an amazing holiday on my own. Did anyone care? I am not sure.

I was showing off on facebook. My fabulous life that seemed so perfect. Yet its not perfect. I just wanted to get one mans attention.

I tried to climb a mountain and i failed.

I applied for a job and i got it.

I'm stressed. I have it all but yet nothing at all.

Lost

I feel lost these days. Somethings going well. Other things not so well.

Friendships, love life, work. Sometimes i am just not sure if this is the life i want anymore. Chasing one dream after another. Making it time and time again. Is it all too much? Too much stress? Not enough fun?

Am i heading for a burn out? Why does life not feel full filling? It does not excite me anymore.

I remember a walk

Back in India, during those four months i used to crave going for walks. But the air was never fresh, it was never relaxing and the spacious luxury that we grow accustomed to all over australia was never to be.

None the less, through traffic, poverty, life and death, cows and little kids playing on the streets i walked the two k's to the department store and back. I enjoyed the air conditioning in the store as a treat. I looked at shelves of items i did not want to own as a solace. I walked back to get back home. 

Every now and then life became unbearable in those days. But i soldered on. I had to. There was no choice. I was young, i had not proven myself, life was just an opportunity somebody handed to you that you either took advantage of or lost.

These days i am someone important. I have made it. I do not live on the sidelines and i call my own shots. I feel devastation occasionally but only for a day. I have a get out quick ticket to cash in within a day.

Even though i have made it now, i still think back to those days and all the moments that made me who i am today. 

I'm traveling to Asia tomorrow but i am not excited

Has the glimmer of business travel faded away?

I am heading overseas this week. I want nothing more than to get back for friday night drinks.

I miss you but i feel its time to walk away

Not because i want to but everything is pointing like your sending me that message. Dear G, right now you are the love of my life and i love everything about you.  For some reason my days of wearing my heart on my sleeve are over so i will simply walk away. Even when i met you, i thought i had accidently given you the wrong number and thought perhaps i would never know if it were meant to be.

The thing is, perhaps it would have been easier if i had of. For you called and you painted a fairy tale so real, i started believing again. I did not let you in but i still got hurt.

I am the epitome of success

I climb mountains in my spare time. I traverse countries like they are suburbs on a train line, i wine and dine with the best of them and have the world at my feet.

I have ocean views from my bachelorette pad and friends that love and adore me. I seem to have a never-ending stream of men, flowers and romance and sure i am not married just yet but the men are still lining up. I make more money than i can spend on shoes.

I have made it in the world. In reality i am the epitome of success.

Someday we will meet again...

This is all through the eyes of Facebook but G, we have so much in common. We pick the hardest route and its all about conquering the unknown.

I don't know how it would work between us. It makes me cry to think we can't make it work when we seem so compatible. We are so similar, both so stubborn that perhaps it will be in another lifetime that we will meet again.

You will walk away. I will walk away.

Goodbye to this lifetime. Its not goodbye forever. Someday we will meet again....

Something is happening

Today i made a move. Today someone gave me an opportunity to present my ideas. Today i wowed them with my briliance.

They knew i was something. The always knew i was clever.

Today i proved them right and i made it onto the chart. This is where i need to be. This is where i want to go.

The world will go around me. I have worked hard for it. Sleepless nights. Idea formulation. Massive risk. Laughing in the potential face of ridicule and laughter and coming through on top.

I always knew i had it. Its time for me to shine once more. And i love it. The journey and the destination.

Today i pitched to the boardrooms of the world in my stilletto's.

I hate that i know your every move

The worst thing about facebook is that it makes it so hard to let go. I know your every move, i know your past, i know your friends.

I looked at those photo's and i can feel that sense of letting my heard skip a beat subside. I didn't crave to touch you.

I just need to wait this out. Soon i won't even think of you.

Tonight i'm in my element

I'm working late, coffee flowing and i'm buzzing.

I'm literally jumping with joy. I am thinking up ways to take over the world and pitching it to the board.  I love this feelings. I want to win. I feel ecstatic like i can move mountains.

I love it!

I need to stop drinking

My body just can't take it anymore. Whole days wasted away.

Unproductive. Pining for you. Living in the past. Wondering about tomorrow.

The things is right now i feel a little sick. I feel a little work.

I wish i could enjoy this moment where i am in this lovely apartment, on a lovely couch, with a lovely view.

Who could ask for more really?

I need to stop drinking

My body just can't take it anymore. Whole days wasted away.

Unproductive. Pining for you. Living in the past. Wondering about tomorrow.

The things is right now i feel a little sick. I feel a little work.

I wish i could enjoy this moment where i am in this lovely apartment, on a lovely couch, with a lovely view.

Who could ask for more really?

This year i want to feel again

This year is about savouring the moments. Its about giving it my all, ecstacy or pain who cares, as long as i love and feel deeply. I want life to be magic.

This year is about the moments that take my breath away. I move from the sidelines into the spotlight. I give it my all.

If i don't finish it, it all ok. If i don't climb my mountain, this year its ok. This year is about enjoying each moment. I don't need to get to the next step. I want to live my life, love my life and be happy.

This year is about meeting the man of my dreams, falling in love and getting married and if along the way i get hurt more than i have ever got hurt before, then thats ok too. For i have lived and you can only get hurt after experiencing some sort of joy and ecstacy.

I want to love again. Love deeply.

No more sidelines and Audrey Hepburn. Just a clunky old me that i love.

:)

You still hurt me with your silence

I wonder about you sometimes G.I wish you felt the same way i felt.  I have felt this way about many men and this time i just thought you were different.

I guess you weren't. I have tears in my eyes hoping i was special and that would call. That you are craving to hear my voice. Your not.

Each time i have moved on. I just need to do the same with you. For the first time i am shedding tears. Tears i have long held back. You will never know. You will never care. I will hurt. I will get over you. Life will go on.

I'm ready to share my life with another. This is the year.

Its what we didn't do that i regret

This time i avoided getting hurt with G. It started off as something with the potential to be magical, but in the midst of mind games and a little bit of protection of a heart that been hurt a few too many times, i forgot how to live with all of my heart. It fizzled into nothing. This time there were no tears for there was nothing to mourn over. I never gave it my all and it fizzled into something everyday and boring and then onto nothing. The fireworks in the sky didn't quite make it.

I think of all the men that have hurt me so deeply. Where i have spent many nights crying over them, only to realise my tears were not worth it for the men they turned out to be. Yet at the same time, it was with those men that i experienced those moments that took my breath away.

It was about falling asleep in his arms on a bus to Paris. It was about meeting an international man of mystery, potential fugitive and then dropping the Taj Mahal to go back and spend a week with him making love on an exotic beach, its about meeting Mr Big at the hottest cocktail bar in town and letting him woo you with sweet words and fantastic nights of passion if only for a moment, it was about waking up in the arms my belgium god, staring into his eyes and a declaration of love while on holidays up north.  It was about the moment when he looked into your eyes, asked you if you trusted him and on your confirmation, took your hand so confidently and dived into the inferno of motorbikes to cross the road in Saigon.  It was about staring into his eyes as he asked you to dance at that cinderella ball and the years of torture and joy you spent trying desperately to hold onto something that could never be.

These are the men that hurt me the most. Yet these are the moments i will remember forever, the passion, the excitement, the love, the laughter and that feeling that your on top of the world. These were the moments that took my breath away.

I'm not an Audrey Hepburn with all things perfect. I am clumsy, I am clunky, but i am fun and exciting. I dive straight into life and this is what i need to do again. Let myself love deeply, express myself and just be myself.

Its worked in the past and the only regrets i have are the moments that didn't take my breath away to avoid tears i never shed.

Remember the days when you risked the world to love with all of your heart

These days its cautious little steps.  I miss those days when i left my fears with the wind and really lived. I really hurt too but those moments when you believed all in the world was good, that the man of your dreams would never hurt you and that you could change the world with your own will was magical.

Its that adreline rush of believing you can fly and trusting the world.

I miss that. You grow older. You have adventure after adventure. But i feel like i am seeping off from people and society, succumbing to my own world more and more each day.

It was another perfect date

What better way to start the new year with a man that picks you up in his beamer, takes you to the hottest place in town, wines and dines you and then walks you to the docks to see which yacht you prefer him to whist you away in. He kisses you, he holds your hand and he does everything he can to make it a special magical night.

I'm lucky.

I seem to have this effect on men.  It takes big stakes and effort to even have a chance with me.

It was a nice night. Lets leave it at that.