And that is the only certainty we have. Life moves on. There are times when the good things in your life disappears. And clinging on makes it all that much harder.
Like art group that ceased. Or that volunteer role I used to have. Those friends we used to be. The man I thought I loved.
And with time it all becomes a memory. Maybe to look back on fondly.
In some ways this slow kind release of each other is nice. Although we still both feel the attraction I know. But when I am not around you for a while I can let you go. And in my head I have no expectations. I have people to see, things to do, men to date, a life partner to find.
But until then, for moments in time, you can be my best friend.
Today for the first time ever, I went to a place that scared me. Rather than holding on to something and attaching out of fear and desire, I let things be, I let myself see things for what they really are. But I also acted in the kindness way I could to keep a friendship.
For we were never crazy madly in love. It was convenience and loneliness and need for another human in lockdown that brought us together. If the pandemic and lockdown never happened, if there was never a bubble buddy, if we didn't have to work from home so much, then we never would have got together.
And now we are just returning to the way we were, just a little closer with a little bit more friendship.
One day I didn't know who you were. Then we met. Then we stayed friends, catching up occassionally You wanted something more, I didn't. Then one day we hooked up. Then I wanted something more, you didn't. But we stay together anyways. But now I am not sure if we I want to be together and am considering going back to being friends.
The reality is that everything changes. And as our lives and circumstances and the world around us changes, so do who we are.
And sometimes you just have to go with the flow and not hold onto the past. Accept the present for what it is. Not what it used to be and dream of a future that doesn't exist.
It's time to just let things be.
I'm generally not having a good week. But for a change my life back at home is looking pretty good. Things are starting to look up.
I'm not desperate to be with you anymore. I want it to be on equal terms and compromise. I understand why you don't want me, I have my flaws. But then you have your downsides too.
And you are a guy that never committed or settled down. So maybe I should just accept you for who you are and we just go back to being friends. And I go back to searching for someone that is in love with me, wants to live with me, build a life with me, hold my hand and grow old together. Someone that says goodnight each night, that they miss me and does a little more than watch movies on the couch.
This life is yours. Not mine. I got used to it out of lockdown loneliness.
We have had great times today. Affectionate times. Times of caring. But sometimes two peoples lives are so different and two people want very much different things. So sometimes we just need to move on.
To stay or go. Going is harder than staying. Going and finding something that fits will be better than saying and resenting the life that I have.
I know it can't always be good times but I feel this is coming to a natural end. The friendship will stay, but maybe just as everything around us changes, maybe what we have will too into something better than before....
Now to have the courage to make a decision.
Or maybe I lost my way. Or I found myself because of you and now I have outgrown you. For a while I stayed for all the wrong reasons. But you helped me get my life together. And then you became the person that I let it fall apart with. But now I am staying because I don't want to leave while you are going through a tough time.
Once upon a time in lockdown we worked so well. We were fresh and new and life was simple and I was happy to get any company I could. You saved me from myself. Helped me lose some weight. Become the old me again.
But now, a year in, I find myself living out of a bag off the floor in your room. Working around your schedule and your kids and your life. You haven't made an effort to become apart of my life at all. And I understand why we don't see each other much anymore but I can see that your cleaner, your Gardner and your shopping is more important to you than me. There is not a single photo you have of me. You've never told me you like me, let alone love me. You're affectionate when you want to be.
I'm scared to leave you out of loneliness. But these days I feel lonely around you. That I play second fiddle to the rest of your life.
And the distance between us right now is for a good reason. But you're also helping me stand on my own two feet. And see that this life we have built, this non together, sometimes together life is something I do not want.
I want to build a life with someone. Grow old together with someone. Meet someone that see's me a little more than a companion.
I think I've stayed too long.
In a lot of ways you've helped me more than anyone. But also caused a lot of my grief that led to the way things are. I feel I am at a turning point in life where things will start looking up soon.
Is it time to walk away? We have a friendship based on a few texts a day, a minute or two of conversation and chats mostly about you and a little about me.
You make it easy to see other people.
