Another night passes by

It was you and I for a moment in time. When we first got together i thought you had eyes just for me.

But i think my lust has once again misplaced my senses. This time a mess of a friendship circle where i trust neither you nor her. I keep it in not knowing what to do.

You flirted with both of us on saturday night. And then when i run off with another you wonder why things did not go your way. That moment where you held my hand and i held yours, we had a moment. Then we gave it away.

I don't trust you anymore. I don't even want to know you.

So all of this got me thinking. What is it that we should look for in a man? You know the life partner to spend the rest of your days with?

The brillient business, successful lawyer who takes charge, brims with confidence and arrogance, for these men, women are mere tokens. The world of glamour, luxury hotels and airport lounges - will they really be the ones to tend to you when your sick in bed or will they be the first to run to greener pastures. The world of extravagance plays on you, you become something else. Cocktail functions and "no spouse" parties do but breed a certain culture.

Then there are those men, down to earth, pleasant, not going to rock your world but will love you, will be there and will make your heart yearn with kindness. These are the men with backbones built of right and wrong, perhaps a little geeky, perhaps not confident or exciting.

While there won't be any running off to a tropical island at the spur of a phonecall or risking your life for that "moment" or intellectual conversations discussing the latest acquisition or takeover -- these are the men that may always be there.

So if through friends, if through work you get to have these brillient conversation where your intellectually stimulated, you get to run your own world and achieve great things, do you really need a man like that at home? Isn't it better to go for the latter and merely interact with the man who lives in stripclubs with a mistress on the side?

Is this giving up trust and hope or is this that my wild oats have been sowed...

A fine line between friendship and something more

All this emailing, it's getting a bit much. Why don't you just pick up the phone and call.

Slowly, slowly you are unknowingly making it into that friend area and once there, its unthinkable to ever go back.

We seem to get along, have the same sense of humour, you could be just another of my uni friends from the days gone by. Yes - the ones that will always be a friend and nothing more.

I like men with guts and confidence, with the drive to call me up and make things happen. Is the fact that you hold back now a clue to what't to come. The one vice i have is a man who asks for permission in bed, is this where this is heading or will we ever even get there?

So as always my mind is going at a million miles an hour.

I really think you should drop it all and just give me a call...

Dear David

I choose to write to you here and not to the real you. I guess you do not want to hear from me. I think.

So i just wanted to say hello, see how you are, have a chat. I wanted to let you know that once i thought you were my world but that i no longer do, but that i still hold you in high regard, in some sort of way in my confused state of mind.

I really liked you back then. I am careful with my words, i say like because it was more lust and some sort of innocence i had back then that had a tendency to be shaded which brought on those feelings.

At the back on my mind i know that you do not care. That i was just another girl, not even.

I've grown up. Got over you. You don't count. Why am i still thinking of you - I'm not quite sure.

Sometimes i wish i never met you - but i guess life is all about lessons, and lessons i did learn from knowing you.

I hope your life is going well. I no longer think your right for me. I still think of you with fondness, memories of another time.

I don't even want to be friends. I like writing to the wind.

That occasional emotional outburst. Its not for the man of my dreams for i think i have met him now , its just for pure reflection.

I'm a different person now. You'll never know that though...

An introduction as such

My mother has decided its time to find me a man.

And perhaps she see's through me and see's that, that is what i am looking for.

So i am emailing a man. We get along so well, we seem so similar.

Anticipation of his next mail. Contemplating what i will write back.

Smile smile smile.

I like him. I really really like him.

living in a bubble

I've decided to become a personal trainer. Not to change career, not to find a source of income where i "love what i do", but simply because i could. It seemed interesting, i wanted to learn and i just happened to have the money to make it happen.

Life is beautiful and i am becoming more appreciative of this each day.

In my personal training course i meet all sorts of people. Fork lift drivers, relief school teachers, security guards, sales assistants and so on. They want a change, they are in search of a career they would love.

I am but a mere observer, simply able to afford to take my fancies to what i want to learn. Imagine you have it all already, money is not an issue, work makes you excited and you love your life? Thats where i am right now.

Family, friends, work, life, play - Its all idillic, its so perfect, its everything i want. I feel like an audrey hepburn - thriving in a paris hilton world!

I thank my parents for giving me the courage to be different and that stable base to fall back on in the unfathomable instance that i may fail trying to do the impossible.

Everything is possible. Strive for the stars as even if you don't reach them, you are so far above the world that your dreams can still come true.

Its me, now and always. In my beautiful apartment, in my world where i am everything i want to be, the envy of the world. I may be the luckiest girl in this whole wide world.

:)

The barriers are so high that no one will ever get in

Life is so perfect, its untouchable. I am untouchable.

I cry because i have forgotten how to let others in. I live a solitary life full of people that do not really care for me. I love my family - I miss my family.

What does one know when one has made it and they are not fulfilled.

It hurts me that dad is lying alone in hospital, that we cannot be there 24/7.

Sometimes its the tough times that bring out who we truly are. i want to look after my parents, not because i have to but because i want to.

Can i let anyone in ever? Have i got so used to being on my own that its all i know now? H=Can i handle the getting together?

Do i want a lankan man that understands family values, that i will always look after them for i love them so much.

I forgive for all that has happened. I hold know grudges. They did the best they could and really, they have been more than successful. I am everything i could wish to be and its my parents that brought me here.

It an emotional time.

the world as it is

My dad lays in a hospital recovering down in kew while my mum sleeps in Jacana. I'm in my apartment down st kilda rd and my sister a mere ten minutes away in her own place.

How the world does evolve. The four of us, once together, now apart.

It brings tears to my eyes.

Feeling anxious once again

I got to start learning to enjoy these feelings. So there is a man again - this time i barely know him and i am dreaming of possibilities. This is where i go wrong, can't contain myself.

I should just be enjoying the ride and seeing where life takes me.

He feels right, it all feels right this time.

I can't wait to meet him.

But this is it. I just know it.

Third Culture Kids

I read an article today on third culture kids and it so resonated with me.

My parents moved countries at a young age and i had a number of changes through life. Changing cities as a kid to moving schools as my parents figured out the world.

And if it wasn't for that i wouldn't be who i am today - that girl who breezes through the world from airports to five star hotels to airport lounges with such ease. Another day another country all with a smile on her face. Everyday is an adventure and thats what i crave.

Some people say that the glimmer of business travel soon dies away into a beer belly, lonely hotel rooms and not enough sleep. Somehow after more than five years in the game i'm energetic as ever if not more, fitter than you 9-5 desk jockey with an expanse of time for the gym they never find the motivation to attend and happy and healthy.

Other parts resounded true with the article - being a mature kid and growing up late in the twenties. That fear or attachment or detachment and that feeling of not belonging anywhere and feeing like you could belong everywhere.

I crave to meet my match one day, to meet a man but perhaps not settle down in the ordinary way. I want to be a global wanderer with my man, and kids -- i dont know if they fit at all. I don't know if i want them to.

I think to what my parents have with me, the way i will look after them as they start getting older ad looking that little bit frail and needing help -- will i be all alone in the world if i do not pass on that little bit of myself. Is that the right reason if i have no others for wanting to bring a kid into the world.

There is no wonder about them, no maternal instinct that wants to nurture and watch them grow. I'm 28 and i don't look at happy families and wish it for me.

Every article like this gets me one step closer to knowing myself a bit more and understanding my world. May what i need in a man is someone just like me, a global nomad.