Deep down

I wish i could loose all my humility and fall in love with you. Bare desrie's , pure intelligence.

Life does not work that way. Its survival of the fittest and being fit does not necessarily mean being clever.

In my world he is my hero.

changing of the tide

Its that sense of security and the fact that he has not really ever done anything wrong by me. Sure he ignores me for days and doesn't want to speak to me daily, but no man has in years and its still early days.

Sometimes he just wants life to be easy, not communicate too much, take it easy, lay in the dark and squeeze my hand tight. Men and women are so different. I hope we grow into each other, learn to be more honest and spill our deepest darkest secrets without fear of being judged.

Things are almost always going well. Its just scary sometimes. We are not getting any older and this really is putting it all with one man.

I do care for him, perhaps sometimes i think i love him. Time will tell, but can i afford the time?

Last friday night

My man took me to a movie and dinner. He held my hand and hugged me so tight. He held my hand and squeezed tight. All night we lay in each others arms and in the morning we hung out in domenstic bliss.

Sometimes we say nothing to each other but that squeeze of his hand on mind feels wonderful. I think he is amazing. I can't believe he is mine.

Work does not help. Its so impersonal. Yet we will work through.

There are quirks, the occasional insecurity, a little bit of anxiety from the past. But really, i think we are good and he is wonderful.

Its past midnight and i'm still working

And its not so bad. Its that rish once again of working hard. This time on performance appraisals and i am craving pulling an allnighter. Its already one am and i am only half way through. My deadline is midnight tomorrow night. Better to do it tonight that run out of time tomorrow.

I have not done it in a while. It excites me that i still can. I hate the pressure but then i love it too.

It makes me feel successful.

There is another man that could be the "one"

Right now the man of the moment that isn't necessarily doting on me is getting all my attention.

Then there is this other man with a promise of lifetime of happiness.

I am falling for my man, but i don't know if these feelings are mutual. I don't know if this is how the world is supposed to spin.

Perhaps i should walk away for nothing will ever be perfect.

Perhaps i should go with the one man thar thinks i am the one, rather than the perhaphs, maybe , that adds a young singaporean girl that he barely knows to his profile but barely gives me a look in.

Balls in his court. If he is into me, he will let me know. Otherwise lets quickly get on with life....

Technology is stoopid

So a month or so back i added him on facebook. He never added me back and my request has gone very much ignored. At times he makes me wonder if he has never noticed. At other times i wonder if he is deliberately ignoring me.

Sometimes things are perfect. Other times, not so much.

Time will tell. I am in retreat mode. If he notices, who knows. If he doesn't, perhaps i am reading too much into this.

I thought i heard him say...

We were fast asleep but he was still holding me tight and he told me he would look after me and whispered that he loved me. That was a moment.

I don't think he thought i heard.

But i can see that he is in love. And so am I.

We can try to deny these things but reality comes through in our sweet kisses and beautiful embraces. I think he's perfect.

The perfect wedding

It was like a fairytale come true as my best friend got married and i was the maid of honor. Walking down the aisle, watching her stunning entrace, putting her dress on, holding her veil and train, witnessing those wows and signing their marriage certificate.

Wandering about town with our fairy princess, the bridal party in all its beauty.

Life was just beautiful. The inside view and driving around in out old cars. posing, photo shoots and magical moments.

And then that reception and meeting my man there, and the way he kept looking at me and telling me i was gorgeous. Glancing at me at moments and treating my best friend so well and being sweet and ever so gorgeous, holding me tight and making me feel like his dream girl.

And then i love him once more, sort of, maybe

The thing is, i have taken a step back, but now his step backwards is moving forwards.

Sometimes i think we are perfect in terms of mutual attraction. We are both wanting each other and to claim that space as each other's significant other. Every now and then the balance is upset and one of us pulls away, only to be drawn back once more.

Today was a tough day. Work wise, the pressure to perform, the stress of work in general. But then i get paid the big bucks for the pressure i do take on.

And when it comes to my man, i've been feeling jealous and neglected. I can't help it. But perhaps i have no reason to feel this way.

Who knows.

Second thoughts

That rush of feeling is gone. I wasn’t excited to see him. I’m not even excited for the weekend. Feeling a tad bland about it all.  I have not seen him in two weeks. That’s ok. The thing I don’t like is the lack of communication. We just don’t speak. How is one to have a future. Perhaps one day, perhaps maybe. But time is precious. There are many a man now but will not be forever. Will we work?  I’m not sure. I’m just wondering if we are looking in the same direction, where are priorities lie.

Second thoughts

Today on the plane to somewhere else i was having some doubts and him and I. That perhaps i misread the signals. The sweet gestures that i thought were meant just for me, was perhaps just his natural flirtiness with women and him just being nice. Perhaps i wasn't the girl that got away or one he had on a pedestal.

Then i was thinking of how he wasn't curry. How we don't communicate much. How i have not had a conversation with him in two weeks or so.

Time is precious. There is another potential on the sidelines wanting to know where my heart lies.  A best friend from long ago that knows all my secrets and deepest thoughts.

I'm just not impressed by him right now. That touch in front of me and that compliment he gave to her, also in front of me. Was it disrespectful? What was he hoping to achieve? Or was that just his natural flirty self? It's just made me feel a little impartial.

Life is bliss

Somewhere along the way it all just worked out. Life became perfect.

I look at my problems and the world around me, and relaise that i really have no problems. The biggest decision i have to make is weather or not to buy that pearl necklace from Tiffany's and if the money is truly worth it.

I have everything. I love who i am. I am proud of me.

What else could one ever ask for in life?

I still want to do an MBA and live in a castle in the outskirts of Paris

And i feel as if i will make it happen. Perhaps.

I have a man but he is not everything. I have the world at my fingertips.  Perhaps we will work and i will do a local MBA, take a few years off, have kids and live hapilly ever after.

Or i continue as i am, wildly successful and traversing the world. Studying at one of the worlds best institutes and having one of those careers that goes in leaps and bounds.

Isn't love beautiful?

Love is a complicated thing

Sometimes i question this and that, although on at a high level it seems like all is well.

He is pushing back on me, wanting space but then not really for he includes me in everything almost in his life. I'm invited to meet his closest friends and be his date for every where he goes.

Yet he never calls me or answers my calls. I've let him know how crazy i am about him, he pushes me away. I will take a step back for the moment.

Today i felt sad for he touched another girl in passing. Nothing secual, just a touch of the hand on an expression and he told her, her dress looked so nice. I don't get such compliments anymore. I haven't heard a compliment in quite a while.

I miss the way he used to be. Maybe that was to reel me in. Maybe he is no longer into me. Maybe i just need to take it slow in my head.

And i, I am not making it easy on him. Flirting with men in the office but not really. Trying to make him jealous when all i want is him.

It's all so complicated. All is good. We will just get through this as nothing is really wrong. This is just the rollercoaster of a fresh love. The ups and downs are what make it so exciting.

Men are funny creatures

So he had a freak out (again) and i diffused it with laughter and brought him to his senses. Drama is not my thing.

I can see the spark returning. Today he couldn't get enough of me.

Oh the excitement of love and dating. Sometimes you just need to enjoy the anticipation of it all, before it turns to that quiet confort of a love that will last a lifetime.

A blast from memory lane

It's that year of weddings and engagements for me. Last night was a blast from the past. Catching up with the tronix crew from uni days. It's hard to believe that I have had years of my life where I went out clubbing three times a week with these guys. Now some of them are married and the conversations have changed. We have all made it in the world, careers blazing ahead and making it in society. I caught them eating carrots as they worry about age and waistlines. It's funny to think back to the days of these guys sporting six pacs while living on xbox and junk food.


We drank coke and complained about how loud the music was and we spoke about settling down and having kids.


I look fondly back at that time. Of the little girl I was. A perfect body but ever so insecure and in search of answers only maturity and time could answer.

I still want to take over the world

So today by the lake as I was thinking, I started getting excited again. I'm willing to compromise for love and not even see it as a compromise. Yet, there is an exciting life to continue with.

An MNA in the outskirts of Paris, speaking French, helping a friend out with his cambodian charity and letting that best friend from uni days turn into a lover as he so craves.

I sometimes wonder if I am just too traditional. Perhaps I am chasing the unknown, in some way trying to reconcile a rejection and prove something I don't need to.

Truth is that there is a man that really knows me deeply. That I can open up and have conversations with that do transcend time. One who has been my best friend through the years, proven himself time and time again.

Love is a rollercoaster

It's a funny thing love. Or that feeling somewhere between like and love. He came on so strong and recently I've just been trying to be nice. But it's time to take a step back, maintain some balance.

We really are two people trying to see if we are meant to be together. Two people who have lived their lives, fallen in love and had their hearts broken one too many times. Sometimes it's baby steps to let yourself love again.

He thinks we are moving too fast. He is stressed. He acts like he can't get enough of me sometimes.

Today I felt sad a little. Because sometimes I would love some reassurance. Because he is adding everyone but me on Facebook.

So far he has deserved the benefit of the doubt. He has been wonderful and I feel secure.

Patience is key , and continuing to live my life to the fullest.

Today I went for a walk down by the lake and sat on the grass listening to some tunes. It was beautiful really. It's that beautiful place to get some fresh air, contemplate the world, feel lucky for all that you have and develop the confidence to walk away or stay, knowing that life will be beautiful regardless.

Here is a man where I think we could have a future. But by no means am I disillusioned. Time will tell. Am I in love with what could be rather than what is?

I recall my first love, extreme highs, the courage to be brutally honest without knowing what hurt feels like, and conversations that transcend time.

Sometimes we feel like dry toast. I wonder if we could ever just open up. That real deep conversations.

Only time will tell...

Me and my man

Life is just swimming along. He is my man and we keep in contact almost daily and it feels so natural. I get excited when i see him and thinking of him makes me smile.

Sometimes i get scared about getting married, having kids, letting go of this career i've worked so hard to build, getting pregnant, the pain of child birth and living some other life.

He's a fully grown man. He's lived a certain part of his life and so have i. We will enter phases of life together and grow together while having had full filling lives of our own. The challenge will be learning to live with each other. Together and forever.

Its like i have lived all my life, making mistakes, having adventures and following my heart. And then one day i woke up and realised the man of my dreams has been right in front of me all along.

Second chances are beautiful.

The best new years in the history of time

So i celebrated with a kiss on the hour while sitting on my mans lap, shared a glass of the worlds best champagne and fell asleep in his arms. Woke up to a cuddle and a walk along the ocean and then he took me to a beautiful lookout and lunch by the ocean. Holding hands, stealing glances and kisses, dropping in to say hello to his parents and pick up his dog, long drives.

Some days are just perfect. Today was one of those.