hard goodbyes

So tonight he disapeared completely. Went off and did his own thing. Something i woul expect of a single man.

Is it time to say good bye. For me i think it is.

Good bye to a man that could have been but never will. No one knows you so and i will walk away. And so many break ups - the good and bad times will come yet again. Many a time.

Do good bye to you my timeless friend.

Is he the one

Men come and go and this one in particular seems a little fickle and very self absorbved. I wonder sometimes if i even need him at all.

There is no romance really but when he wants it, lots of effection. To think i fell yet again for a mans chase and charms for him to only change once that chase was over.

But this time i am feeling strong. Perhaps getting out of my comfort zone is getting in control and going through with a break up when it just does not feel right.

Is it time to say goodbye to him? Perhaps i can avoid him for a while and learn to live without him. That will be easier.

On needing inner strength

So i went on holidays and tried my hand at getting a diving license. I faced some fears and it was he most amazing feeling to come out a winner at the other end. I felt that sense of myself again. I felt like me. Who i used to be. The girl that embraced a challenge rather than just going with the flow and accepting what i got and stayed with it. I missed that sweet feeling of accomplishment.

And if i could deal with running out of water underwater, i can definitely deal with finding myself again. Its about easing off the alcohol and not depending on him so much. Sticking with the anxiety because i can and i know how to beat it.

Its about taking control of what me and him have and being a nice person but not letting him walk over me and taking some space when i need to.

Nothing new to see here folks

Life has become something a little simpler than usual. A little less optimistic.

He's not my ideal man. But who is?

It does not matter anymore.

He is a nice man. If it works we work. If it does not, nothing i can do. I'm ok with that. I don't think i need a man anymore.

I think i am done. If it works - it won't be damn good but it better be worth it.

Good night to you hun that does not exist in my fairy tales.

Maybe you will be my forever.
If you are not, who gives a shit.

So good bye to you or good morning,

Who Knows????

Some people are good at love...

And i feel like i have been good at everything but..

But life is a journey. And there is a man out there for me that is perfect and i cannot wait to meet him or realise he is already in my life. The magic and spark and comfort of true love.

But what is true love. How do you know? How do you pick?

It's a mater of chilling for a little while.

My Bschool friends are those i get excited about. Someone will come around one day. 

everyone enters your life for a reason

And his role was to teach me a life lesson. That chasing fairytales isn't the way to go and to see reality for what it is.

So many people around me have such fullfilling lives by sticking to their values and whats important. I on the other hand have been chasing status and money and looks.

Its not the right place and no wonder it has not worked out.

There is a perfect girl out there for him. But that girl is not me.

I am at that life stage where i want to take a step back career wise and to enjoy life with a partner who also feels the same way. Someone that wants to focus on getting married, having kids and building a life together.

He had other plans and they barely included me. Half the time i kept getting surprised and upset. A lifetime of loneliness living in the shadows of his career would not have been for me.

He has a noble profession and he will go onto save many many lives and making the world a better place.

I on the other hand will go on and build a family and a life for myself and the special people around me. I won't be saving the world but i will make that special difference and significant impact for a little bit of people in my life.

Goodbye to you my trusted friend. Goodluck and all the best with life, career and love. I hope you achieve and get everything you ever wish for in life.

Thankyou for the realisations and the life lessons. We tried so hard you and I and we can both walk away knowing that there was nothing left to do.

The end

And so it ended and yes it was bad, but you know what? Its not so bad.

I've gone through that tough time and can see clearer skies and possibly a better future. He had brought me down so much from my definition of happiness to accept so little. I am happy to be out of that.

I've felt the magic before and i will again. Better equiped with life skills.


I've made my peace and forgiven him for anything i was angry about. I feel its time to move on now with a blank slate.

This next one - It will be it. I just know it. 

Remember

Long time ago i believed in soul mates and lovers. That life was full of brightness and that one day i would end up leading spectacular.

Then life happened.

And now i settle for mediocre or barely that. I think it's amazing because the world has brought to me a sense of reality. That i am complaining or down for no reason. That what i have is actually something wonderful.

So no fireworks, no major sparks. A life thats not sad but not entirely happy either. No real hope for the future but thinking i am escapin something worse.

I have more today than what i had when expectations were high. Am i happier? I am not sure.

I'm exhausted with life.

 

Life in someone else's country

I'm back in SK and living that life once again. The business stakes are getting higher and the level of luxury is getting higher.

I spoke to my boyfriend back hom for a bit. Most of the time i just miss him and i love him. He's studying and barely has any time for that deeper level conversation but thats why they say relationships are hard.

That next stage of life. I am so ready for it and i am not.

I can feel myself getting older.

 

Life is starting to look up again

I feel better. I feel happier. I feel more confident. Its about being able to stand on my own two feet and ask for what i want. Its about taking some supplements that might help me along the way.

Perhaps i was depressed

It's wierd. The other day things got rock bottom and i went into solution mode. You know that no matter what a solution must be found at all costs.

So i filled in some surveys online, signed up for some online counselling, saw an expensive naturopath etc etc

And i discovered the herbal equivalent of an anti depressant. I tool st johns wort and felt like me again. The anxiety gone, i was calm, i could sleep again, i felt motivated and even happy. I felt that clarity of mind that i had been searching hard for all this time.

So does this mean i was depressed?

I've been reading about it. Catching myself with the negative thoughts. Seeing the better side and seeing that the world is actually a great place.

I still get stressed but can definitely deal with things better. Heck i even feel happy again. 

Maturity gives you certain life lessons

And its up to us to learn and follow. Sometimes i don't take my own advice but you got here today being the best person you can be and all the mistakes made in the past lead you to who you are now. You have your good points and bad and you will continue to work on both.

Your life is as good as it gets this moment. Appreciate it for you will look back and reminisce on how good it was. This moment is precious. Everyone in your life is precious.

Appreciate who you are. Be true to yourself. Appreciate those around you.

So for the future:
* Get fit. Exercise again. Take advantage of the lovely surrounding around you.
* See your parents more.Be good to them.
* Appreciate your boyfriend. Love him and be kind and patient.
* Focus on your work and give it your all.
* Keep in touch with your friends more
* Work on that social enterprise
* Contact the entrepreneurs group and get involved.
* Be kind to yourself. Get massages, manicures and hair cuts. Let yourself relax.

Time for that new years resolution a few days too late me thinks...

Another year here

Time is passing by. Its a funny life.

I'm with a man that i love. We have problems but we seem to have a resolve to solve them too. A maturity that sticks through time.

I want to settle down. I want to have kids. I want to get married. I'm ready for a new life and done with this one.

He is the ideal man for that next step.

But also, i like spending time with him. He's a good, simple man.

Lets hope i can make it work. Lets hope we can make it work.