The exhileration of success or something else

Yes i loved sitting by the beach for a week, but today at work was fun and thrilling and amazing. Even with an impending breakup. I couldn't stop beaming. Was it being back at work in my element or was it something else? With that something else being the possibility of a new lover and the realisation of the type of man that would make life work. So tonight i jumped on a 11PM call to discuss business strategy. The thing is, i added value. Back in the day i remember hoping to sit on these things, now i'm just needed. I love it, it makes me happy. And with the man i accidently fell for. Part of me is sorry for ever going for him and mucking up his life temporarily. In the end its culture that made me walk away, not so much the illness. Everyone can get ill at any stage, and i believe one can work with it. But fundamentally, the strength of family and relationships and what it takes to be a man just isn't there. There are some beautiful things about my culture, including the depth of the men. I need to wash away my childhood and believe in the good around me. If i could find a man like my grandpa with the best of hearts and souls, my life would be bliss. They being the role models to my relationships, i see where i have gone wrong. I have not searched for the love i crave, i have searched for nothing like it. There is a man i am falling for. When i gave him a call tonight i was nervous. I sent him an email today. Now i'm wondering if i am contacting him too much. This is a good sign. Its a sign that i may be falling for him. I just feel incredibly happy and a weight lifted. I have to just be honest with myself that i've spend the last four months on edge and pretty unhappy. Walking on eggshells. What i feel is relief. Now to let him down gently. When there is no anger left in you and you still care even after crummy things, thats when you know your over it. I could see him with another women. I want him to meet someone else and be happy. I hope he finds his happiness.

Just the other day i thought we were forever

I kept excusing your behaiviour. Even when i found out about the other women and your wandering eye, i thought perhaps i had screwed up. The thing is i didn't. You have a problem. And yes late into our relationship i did start flirting around, perhaps to try and make you jealous. I blamed myself for my actions and kept telling myself you were retaliating. I'm not sure if its because your dodgy or because of this illness that you have. Either way though, something in my mind has clicked. I can't see you in my future no more. I'm not sure if i would even want to kiss you or touch you. Your starting to fade in my world. Your facebook with your multitude of women and your online profile makes it all the easier. Part of me is sad. I can see your suffering and that something is wrong. No one in their right mind would act the way you do. Walking around the office avoiding me on purpose. Its immature at best. But i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. There's is something not quite right. You seem not well. You seem alarmed. Its hurts to walk away because despiting you fading in my mind, i still care about you. I want to be a friend and help you through this if you want my help. My heart is moving on though. Thankyou, goodbye.

Mental Illness - Scary stuff

Mental illness, it’s a scary thing. Do you separate the illness from the person? Wonder what’s going on? If they are really just being mean and dodgy or is it some chemical imbalance in the brain. It’s getting worse. This is odd behaviour. And while I hate to admit it, its putting me off him. I’ve decided to leave for other reasons. This incredibly odd and immature behaviour however makes walking away pretty easy. I’m not sure the attraction I felt which was so intense is even there anymore. Truth be told, I don’t really know him. Heck I can’t even get onto him to have a conversation so we can break up. Or perhaps that’s what he’s worried about. That our next conversation will be just that. But all these women. Some might fall but somehow I just don’t think it will go anywhere. I was incredibly patient. I’m just not sure others will be.

Every one has their own story

And he goes down as the man on anti depressants. Mental illness - scary stuff. But explains why he is still single.

The man thats been there all along

So i called him up and poured my heart out. Had the deepest conversation. And it was built on years of friendship. We share the same views on life, the same passion for finding a significant other that you can conquer the world with, we can share our fears and dreams and have conversations that transcend time. I'm not scared to be me with him. The real me. The one who is slightly insecure but still is so positive. He's been there all along and i've been too blind to notice. I somehow don't think its too late.

The past two weeks have been a little difficult

But as much as i hate the anxiousness and what i know now, I think i needed to go through it. This time it was for a real reason so there wasn't any point in talking myself out of it. Thinking that there wasn't anything to be anxious about. It was a neccessary evil to see reality. That anti depressents are scary, that he might one day push me away in ten years time when things get tough and most importantly, he is cheating on me. You can't excuse everything on a sickness. Perhaps he is just dodgy.

closer to home

There is a man that has always like me. One that has been there all along. On the sidelines asking why we never got together. He said to me the other day that time is precious. We speak all the time. I'm closer to him than most people. He fits in well with my family, we share the same culture and he would be the man i need when times are tough. He's seen me at my worst and also at my best. He knows how brilliant i am, yet knows all about my insecurities. One that i can talk to hours with about true feelings and he does not judge. Sometimes the simplest options are right in front of us and we search for drama in the world, never to be happy. With my man right now, he is chatting up women on an online dating site. Its not the anti depressants. He's just dodgy. Its not about sticking around because you can't leave someone after they tell you that. Its leaving becuase some behaiviour can't be excused. Twice. I'll let some other women have him. Perhaps this is why he is single after all this time.

If i was six months pregnant would i want him to be my man?

And the answer is no. He's proven i can't trust him. He's pushed me away and is dating others. Thankyou, goodbye. Its as simple as that.

i think i am ready to say goodbye

Its taken a while. But at some stage you realise that the man your in love with just does not feel the same. When he takes a pic of you and cuts your out, what more is there to say? goodluck to him with other women i say. I'm out. I want faithful and loyalty. You are just a cheater.

I'm thinking about a man thats closer to home

I've known him for a long time. I also think i am his dream girl, but for real. He knows my culture, he wants a lifestyle that fits, he craves for me.

He's seen me at my worst and still has feelings for me. He's seen me at my best and isn't intimidated.

Isn't this what true love is about? It took us a while to get there but we are here now.  I can be honest with him. He is not scared of unconditional love and family.  I can talk to him about anything.

I went for a man thats not so right for me. Hoping to live fairytales in my mind.

But in reality he is seeing other women. His words are all that they are.

Yet there is a man that just works culturally. One i could have a future with.

Decisions, decisions.

Second chances

He gets one without asking. This is for spending the next month loving him unconditionally. This is for giving this everything i have.  This is for trying my best before walking away because i have not been honest and i have not made life all that easy for him.

Its because he tried so hard the other weekend and i could see he was tired and i could see the effect of the medicine on him and its because deep down i love him and know that in the way he squeezes my hand that he loves me too.

The next few days i just need to back off. See what happens when back at work. Be incredibly nice to him until he comes back once more.

Love him unconditionally because i care and because i can see that he is the man thats meant for me.

Just for a month and see where we are at and hope for the best.

A month does not take any time from thirty years. Other men will still be there. Life will still be fabulous.

I've found a reason to drop him

The thing is, there was a man i once loved. Sometimes i think i still do. I let him break me once. But a second time - that is my fault.

Perhaps i should not of thrown caution to the wind. Perhaps i should have waited to trust him.

That photo of him and i. He cut me out and put it on a dating site. Is there no better goodbye that that? Why would i even stick around. Trust destroyed in a second.

And there is many a man who i have tole of him, who is the love of my life. Maybe they will be interested.

The man that thinks out lives will be perfect together because we are just a fit. The man that craves for me because i'm someone new that he met and

Its scary

So i created a profile as someone else and got talking to him. He's already asked me out for coffee. Thanks Babe - so much for the talk of marriage and all that. No wonder valentines was so drab. Was it with somebody else. Screw you.

All in or nothing at all

Sometimes living your life in the sidelines, playing games and waiting for a knight in shining armour is fruitless. I've been one foot in and one foot out lately.  I know he has a problem. I know i want to be there for him. I know i want to tell him i love him. Yet my actions and his are of two people playing games. The way he holds me, the way he confides in me, it can't be a lie. It just can't.

But then i need to stop these games. Yes he has a profile but so have i, i just hide it better and i play games on facebook with him and flirt with other men to get his attention.

If its neglect i'm feeling, i should just walk away rather than play silly games in a hope he will get jealous and come running back.

Four months is early days. Perhaps we need to be friends for a little while first and see how we go.

Part of me is also scared for the future. That i'm getting older and that time is running out to meet the man of my dreams. I'm scared of wasting time with him. The hardest bit is not knowing if i'm in or out. If he were to turn around and break it off, it would not be a bad thing. A relief really. But everytime i ask he talks of marriage and going off the meds and never playing games with me. Yet he's not exactly honest.

But is this human nature. I kissed a man a saturday night ago, i haven't let a old flame i'm taken, i flirt with other men for attention and a few wednesdays ago i let a man take me out on a date. I'm not exactly in am i?

So do i have a leg to stand on because he is online and speaking to others? Can i blast him for putting a picture up and cutting me out of it? The same picture i looked at to feel less anxious.

Last night was bad. The anxiety came back. But this time i couldn't use the technique from the councillor. Mainly because i had reason to feel anxious. But then it was a reminder of what he must be feeling. This morning though the walk along the beach helped. The fresh air and my tunes in my ears. I have been struggling.

I think its time to walk away

I've found an online profile of him. And it had a picture of him and me but with me cut out.

I think thats the sign to walk away.

Thankyou, goodbye

sometimes i just want to crawl up in a little ball and cry

I hate this. Perhaps i need to say goodbye. Perhaps not.

Is it the tablets. Is it him? His words are so sweet. But then he is not who he made himself out to be.

And i've found a reason not to trust him

But really i went looking. And i'm not even sure if its real. Oh whats going on.

The lack of communication is an issue. I'm not sure i can do this anymore.

I want to. I wish i could. Its hard.

And its a trust thing. And how much of it is the tablets. How much of it is me.

The world is my oyster, but do i really want it?

So yesterday i was looking at B-school apps. I have a chance to get in. I was looking at the campus, the curriculum, where i want to go in the world. I could feel a certain thirst for knowledge and feel the euporia of being able to dedicate myself to studying full time again. I craved it.

The easiest way would be to do it part time in my home city. One of the best in the country, world class but somehow still in my reach so easily that it would feel like i was settling.

But then really, how much does it matter. I don't need it for career progression. I want the status and the prestige, but really i want to study with the best and be surrounded by brillient minds.

Then i think of my life. My family, my boyfriend, my friends. Do i really want to take a year out of a life that i have worked hard to build? Have i not travelled enough in my twenties to satiate that craving.

And then two logistics. Not having a significant salary. What to do with my furniture. How do i go from a bachlerette pad with ocean views to student accomodation and no salary?

Sounds of the ocean with the wind blowing through my hair

And i'm back on the deck overlookingthe waves on this overcast day in paradise. A hike to a secret beach in thongs, scrabling through rocks, leaches and an impromptu visit to a chocolate factory. First world problems at it's best.

Sometimes i love this blog because it is anonymous. Its where i get to brain dump all that is going in, in my mind. To say i haven't been sad and upset and a tad anxious about not hearing from my man would be a lie. He is in my thoughts constantly and lingering in the shadows, wondering why he doesn't call.

I know depression and anxiety are big, I know its the medicine pushing him away, i know everytime we speak he is wonderful and i have no reason to think there is anything wrong with us. I know its his problem and not mine and that i need to stop taking it personally.

He retreated after valantines day when i was disapointed at him. I haven't heard from him at all. I'm struggling.

But then i think back to the days of no men in my life. It was always a downer, not having someone to trust and share your life with. But now there is a man i am falling in love with that is reciprocating it back the best he can. Possibly even better than any man has in the past. One that can see a future with me by his side.

Everyone has their demons. Here i am fighting an illness and some medicine for he has a heart of gold. Not in one instance has he done the wrong thing by me. The hardest thing is dealing with my own insecurities and sticking through.

Sometimes its tempting to run. To wish he would do something that would make me walk. Living ten feet above the ground is easier. Does not require understanding and compormise. No relationship is easy and the best ones are the ones that get through time.

Sometimes i think with my stand offs i am playing games of resentment. It true i feel neglected. Its true i crave to run away into the arms of a more frivolous man that will fall for me for a moment before disapearing into the night.

Life is complicated. Its happy. Its sad. Its about good friends.

If only i could shake this off and just be happy for a moment. Not think of him when he has pushed me away. I will stick it out for a few months. In four months time i want to mark this day and see how i feel.

Will it turn around or will i seep deeper and deeper into un happiness. Sometimes one needs to time tag these things. While its great to be patient, sometimes one cannot throw away a life so easily.

I hope we work. I think he is a great man.

Lazing around by the ocean

I'm sitting on the sun chaires on our balcony deck, the ocean breeze in my hair and the sounds of waves crashing onto the shore in the air. Tunes from musix Max sneaking in from inside. Good friends, good times. Nothing to do.

Went for a jog along the ocean this morning an wandered back along the shore, letting my feet catch the waves and watching the world go by. Sometimes this is bliss. What holidays are all about.

A bit of time out from the pressures of life. Saying goodbye to all that doesn't work. Coming back refreshed and better than ever.

Its about calling those friends i haven't had a chance to chat to in a while. Its about talking shit and about life with good friends from long ago andrealising that i have barely let the friendships thrive in the complexity and hustle and bustle of everyday life.

Its about relaxing by the beach and just not worrying!

On just enjoying my chill out time

I've run off for a sea change for just a a week with some good friends from a lifetime ago. I love it. A beach house, the ocean, the water, the luxuries in life thrown in with the thrill of an early morning jog.

The ability to chill and just do nothing and love it all the same.

Its been a perfect few days. Time out from a life that moves way too fast. I'm sitting here, with the ocean whispering in my ears while i listen to some cheesy country tunes and type up this blog while the others sleep.

Its about friendships and keeping them alive. Its about giving my man his space. Its about experiencing true love. With all its adventures, moments of ecstatic happiness and learning to accept your lover for who they truly are, the good and the bad, and revealing your true self to the man you love and being vulnerable to rejection.

Its about not playing silly games and just giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight i miss him. Most nights i miss him. But i think he is going through a lot. I love him to be patient. He still makes me feel like i am the centre of his life, the only girl that matters.

And in the meantime while i wait i will have a fabulous time. I have one of the best lives ever. Things just could not get better.

On not playing games

What is the point anymore. If one has met the man of their dreams and wants to make it work and he has provided no reason not to give him the benefit of the doubt, why play all these games.

The hardest thing is admitting to yourself that you have fallen hard for a man. Tp let yourself be vulnerable.

The thing is, i am in a relationship. He is my man. I do trust him.

I should stop myself from communicating with him. He is different to every man i have ever dated.

I think we are just right for each other. We work.

Taking time out

So i've got a week chilling by the beach with some close friends from an old place we used to work in. Seven days of bliss.

Sometimes living in oz, you forget that some of the worlds best beaches is a mere stones throw away. It's that stage in life where one can afford to throw a couple of grand for a week by the beachside and not even eat into savings.

So we have a massive beach house across from the ocean and a beautiful lake known for its tea tree oil and calming effects. Its relaxing, its fun, its what i need.

And the friends, I worked with them once. It was a long time ago and i started my first ever graduate job with them. Since then we have all moved on. But the friendship remains.

So i sit around in our luxury beachhouse, enjoying the peace and the moments.

My man on the other hand is another thing. I love him lots but wonder what he's upto. In some ways i feel so close to him. In other ways i wonder if we are together at all.







Deep down he is everything i want. Will we work out? who knows?

A strange sense of comfort

Who would have thought taking a week off work to study would be so rewarding and enriching. Something so basic like english and math can bring so much happieness. I've been enjoying wandering through the halls of university where i once spent another lifetime in.

I sat in that familiar table, overlooking university square. Except this time round i am a more accomplished, more focused, more confident self. Except this time around its just me. My friends have long left this place and there is no boyfriend to share those study moments with. This time i went straight to the underground carpark rather than scrounging around for cheap parking and moving cars.

Its been a brillient few days. I've loved exercising my brain. Its been nice to spend time on my own. Its been nice to get away from the alcohol riddled corporate world.

To B school or not

So tomorrow is my exam. I have had a nice time taking a week off work to study. Doing maths and english and being locked away in a library all on your own can be lovely sometimes. I've been living in my own little world.

Back when i was at uni, i knew those days would be the best days of my life. And i took advantage of it.

This latest test, studying for it has been enjoyable. Jogging my brain and rediscovering a thirst for kmowledge.

This week i have been thinking too. Perhaps B-school is not for me. This test is really just a rite of passage i had to do before settling for something a little less.

The tide is changing and i no longer crave to be a CEO or be the best in the world. I don't want to disrupt my life for a year at Harvard or Yale.

And settling really isn't settling. It's the best australia and asia have to offer.

Life is sometimes about shades of perfection. My life just couldn't get better.

Shades of grey

Hanging out at that backpacker joint once more, clutching onto the morsels of anonymity which affords me there. I fit right in with my journal, glass of vino and pizza. And i look ten years younger than i am.

So they were chatting me up. I was honest and being me, something that comes with age. That ability to laugh at yourself, say exactly whats on your mind and be brimming with that exclusive touch of confidence that can be ever so sexy.  Its about being comfortable in your own skin.

A few too many drinks later, i yanked myself away. Does one steal a quick kiss, give out a number, never return a phonecall. It could have been a moment.

And somewhere else my man is going through a lot. He does not want me close. But want me he does. And i too crave for him.

Losing oneself in this make believe world, i'm not sure if i should continue on my escapes. Is it time to say goodbye?

Thinking things through

There is something to be said about the wander along a sunday market as well as the spirituality of seeing my tarot reader aka clinical psychologist under the staires. Sometimes a trusted source and someone to talk thing through with is all i need.

Understanding what he's going through, the science behind his medicine and the ins and outs of depression and anxiety.

I'm here to stay and i feel a tad more informed in being with him. How to draw him close and enjoy each others company.

I need to be in or out

And tonight i think i have decided that i am in. I love him really, and there are so many wonderful things about him. He has ticked the boxes that no other man has and made me feel ever so special.

While his anxiety isn't easy, it must be a hundread times worse for him. But he is open and honest, trusting me with everything.

I just need to have my own life and be by his side. Let him initiate things at his own pace and just be there. I am strong. Often i just need to know that, there is no other for him but me. And he had made that clear time and time again.

Patience, love and care.

For him and i, we can be powerful together. We can work through this.

There are too many wonderfuls about him to let him go. He is definitely a keeper.

Why is love so complicated

I know he's on these tablets and that he has a problem. He seems so genuine when i finally speak to him. But really, i can't keep feeling like this.

Is this what next year will bring, and the next.

It was a pretty bitchy comment i sent to him. This is the most disapointing valentines day i've ever had.

Straight to the ego heh - no wonder he has withdrawn. But this is him too. Ignoring me.

Would it kill him to pick up the phone and call.

Today was a disapointment

A measly text on valentines day. Then i tried to get in contact and you have disapeared, yet again.

I know your going through a lot - but this is a bit much isn't it.

This isn't a relationship. I feel like you have pretended to be somebody else when we got together.

Was this your plan all along, reel me in with sweet words and do the bare minimum you can for the rest.

Sometimes i hate you.

What i really want

I don't give a shit about your house in france or how much you earn. What i really want is a guy that wants to hear my voice each day, hear about my day and can't wait to tell me about his.

Hundreads of girls would kill to be with you.

I just don't need your wealth. I need your love.

I remember when you used to be crazy about me

But i still think you are.

You try to avoid me but i can see that my every move makes a difference with you.

Baby i love you. Your the best. I miss you.

I actually love him

Sometimes i just think we will work out perfectly.

We will work through this.

I can tell he likes me. I can see when he gets nervous.

Last night

So i went out on that date. It was intimate but i did not get too close. We had a good time chatting. I even invited him up for coffee. Yet i kept my distance.

Because you know what, he wasn't you. I love you baby.

Today things seemed a little better, sort of, maybe.

And then you saw me with him and then you retreated back into your shell.

But really its not me. Your the one with the problem and i have to stop finding excuses.

I really am ready to walk. I can't even break up with you as you are avoiding me.

How are you?

How are you?

Such simple words.

How do I say to you that an old friend came onto me  during a study session and that while it didn’t go anyway, I didn’t necessarily push him away either. How do I say to you that I went on a date with a man that was not you and that I actually had a good time and I invited him back for coffee and while that also lead to nothing, I may even see him again. 

How do I say to you that you not answering my calls and messages and not wanting to see me and not having a way to communicate with you is making me feel confused and powerless and then I just end up feeling angry and eventually supressing my feelings with a smile and resenting you. So much so that I had to see a councillot to figure it all out. 

How do I say to you that I am thinking of leaving.

I'm Jealous

I have been for a while.

You touched her the other day and complimented her on her dress right in front of me. And you had not complimented me for weeks. I hated you for that.

And i wonder if i want to be with a guy thats so outrageously flirtatious.

You let the other girl know that she was good looking.

Other women complement you and know you by name.

You brag about your wealth.

Perhaps those compliments were not just for me. Perhaps i wasn't your dream girl.  Perhaps your just a prick of a guy, a sleazebag. Just like your boss describes you.

I just accidently fell for you.

I hate you now. You pretended to be someone else. I fell for you. You broke my heart. Now i am leaving.

It hurts to walk away but sometimes you need to. I really do hate you. As the tears flow its all coming out. I can't keep it in and be accomodating anymore. Its too hard.

Fuck you.

Ready to walk away

Its been like this for the past two or three months. He has consistently ignored me on numerous occasions and cancelled. I have excused him for work, being sick and whatever else. But the reality is, its been a few months and i don't want this to become the norm.

I'm ready to move to the next stage in life. And there is still many a man.

And in the past i have let so much drag on. Time is precious.

Love needs to be patient but i have done my time with you. I want greener pastures if you are not ready.

Baby - this could be your thankyou, goodbye.

I have a date for wednesday night

And its not with you.

Time is running out.

I'm getting defensive

I've been chasing him for a while. Accomodating. Nice. Taking the back seat with my own feelings. I've had enough.

Its time for make or break and i will tell him so.

Two can be like this. I have nothing more to say to you.  I want you to msg me so i can ignore you.

You need to make up for your behaiviour over the last few months. Otherwise it's thankyou goodbye.

Because time is precious. And while i love you, if your going to continue to ignore me, i am going to fall for the man in my life that is emotionally available.

This could be thank you goodbye.

Courage to walk away comes from within. I want to know now if this will not work and walk away and let the man on the sidelines in.

I'm ready to settle and start another life. I need to face in the same direction as my man.

Who knows - will it be you or him?

This is all your doing. Why did you ignore me all these months? Get complacent? Or is this just the real you?

I'm still sad

Part of me rejoices. For a while i struggled to feel and cry. The way i am feeling right now, shows that i care. That i've worn my heart on a sleeve and he's trampled all over it.

I'm jealous. But i think its because of all the crap from my father. He used to love my cousins over me. I associate him with that paternal influence and i think deep down i get scared that i am not number one.

Sometimes i am not. I got jealous when he complimented both the girls at work. When he was chummy with her. I was retaliating really. Out of jealousy.

Almost

I almost want him to put his profile back up so that i may break up with him for a good reason.

a trip down memory lane

I'm trying to feel happy. I dug up some old photo's and journals. It always amazes me about how wonderful a life i have had. Just read through my journal in the himalayas. Day to day feelings outside of relity.

Me and D will work out. I just know it. Its just a glitch in the road and we will need to work through it.

The thing is i love him.

Taking that first step

So i have always wanted to live in a castle in Paris and study an MBA. I have taken the first step and signed up for the GMAT and a week of annual leave to study.

Head down. Lets give it a go.

I wonder where life will take me.

A man as potential. A career as potential.

Yes things are sad right now. But i don't really have any problems.

A three figure salary, an apartment with ocean views, an investment portfolio and now have my heart set on the worlds finest MBA schools.

It might work out with him and perhaps it won't. Either way, will life be that bad?

i kind of did stuff up

So the night was young and it was work drinks. Politics alive and thriving and i was pressing all the right buttons, visibly engaging with who i needed to play these corporate games. And heading off for a quiet drink with the directors and letting the rumours run wild with those that were not engaging with me, just sealed the deal.

But i forgot that my boyfriend was there. Yes, you know the guy thats i love because he is straight forward and plays no politics. And i accidently ignored him and left without saying goodbye to go drinking with other men and had rumours run wild that i was out till two until it was souvlaki time.

And i said i was sorry. If the tables were turned i would be furious.

I'm mad at a consistancy in his behaiviour. But i am wrong too.

Stoopid really. He is the only man for me.

Things are going awesomely at work

I got yet another award this morning. Isn't it grand.

Yet i'm not sure if it excites me anymore. I feel it's at the price of a relationship.

Baby i love you, not work, not him.

I'm sorry.

I just can't do this anymore

Tears and heartache. You've been ignoring me consistently for months. You have barely thrown me a compliment in a long time.

I didn't fall for you. I fell for someone you pretended to be.

I'm hurt because you don't answer my calls, return my messages or call me beautiful anymore. You push me away, treat others so well and barely give me a glance.

Its thankyou, goodbye. Thanks for breaking my heart.

There are so many wonderful things about him...

There really is and my heart sings out to him.

Everygirl craves to be spoiled though. Feel special. Have her man call her about forevers together. Flowers and oh to be called beautiful.

We are drifting apart.

I'm working through my issues. But this feeling is not anxiety. Its sadness and i think this time it is based in reality. On what i need.

It makes me cry to think i might break up with him. That perhaps him and I are not to be and we just moved really fast. The spark is only partially there.

I want the guy i fell for. The one who seemed to think i was magic. Is he still there? Has he changed his mind?  Is he just feeling secure in his complacency.

I think he is a wonderful man. I have tears in my eyes at the thought that i might walk away.

Decisions....

Dry Toast

Once, a long time ago, a indian friend of mine said that dating a white man was like eating dry toast.  She was reffering to communication styles.

The cultural part is what i am scared of. That relationships mean a lot more to me that him. That i'm going to keep feeling empty inside and stray.

The thing is i am crazy about him. Can see a future with him. Yes, there are things going on in his life which makes it stressful. But he's not excited to see me anymore. He wants to slow things down. He barely communicates with me. I don't know how to express my own feelings.

I think we are ok. He thinks i'm lovely. He's just busy with trying to work out his life.

I'm trying not to play these games. But its just the emptiness of it all. When we are together, and he holds me tight and brushes away my hair, the other night when he told me he loved me when he thought i was sleeping. He has these feelings in him.

A spark is dying. I want the old him back. The guy i fell for.

Trouble in paradise once more

We struggle to communicate.

I know i stuffed up. Like real bad. If the tables were turned i would be furious.

My way of dealing with things is to talk through it, quickly. His way of dealing with things is to get some space and time to cool down and think.

The result is i feel unwanted and lonely and he feels crowded. We both feel crummy.

Or maybe i just need to chill.

But the underlying issue is that we are barely seeing each other. Is he avoiding me?

Have we lost that spark?

I don't think we have. The way he held me the other night. The way we fell asleep together.

We will work through this. Can't be too hard can it. I just need to back off.