Another day in Paradise and Poverty

Last night was really tough. I;ve never stressed like that before. Then this morning i was happy again. I was back to my 3AM calls and life was all going well. I love being busy but this is making me wonder if i have lost myself again.

I recall a time in india or before that, when i used to be terrified of my own company. But then india changed that, i learnt patience and i learnt to enjoy my own company. I learnt courage and i did things that scared me and i made mistakes and i learnt and i had the best time of my life. Lately life has been so busy, i have had some really good friends in my life and i have not had so much moments to savour the things that make it all worthwhile. Perhaps i need to love myself again.

Sometimes i just feel spoilt. I'm sitting here in a five star hotel wanting life my way. I don't even know a word of vietnamese and i am ignoring the customs in this world. I barely leave my hotel room to get the most out of it.

I wandered down to the markets today with some collegues. You know you haven't been in Asia for a while when you get to the end of a corner and wonder how your going to cross the road. You pause for a moment with no green man in site, consider briefly that you could cab it to the other side, then hold your breath, step right out, walk in a sure straight line and hope that the traffic will merely go around you. And its always a sigh of relief when it does.

Wandering the streets, the roadside stalls, the infinite amount of scooters and traversing through chaos, it almost feels normal sometimes. I travel so much that the excitement is gone.

Yet these moments are lovely to appreciate how lovely life truly is. I live in paradise and take it for granted. We all do really.

And then you realise it was all in your head

I fall for men like him all the time, and each time i think i have met the one. My soul mate and twin flame with whom i was destined to be with. I picture our wedding, out lives and this time i saw myself as the mother of your future children.

The thing is i was mistaken. I get carried away with grand gestures that money can buy and accidently forgot the importance of the ones that cost nothing.

Your lies, your false words, the fact that you can't keep your word. The way that i am a nobody in your world and you push me even further. I still wait for you. How pathetic am i to let you walk all over me.

My own fault for not respecting myself enough. I don't need a man like you. Today was one of the worst days in my life. I wondered if i were to die today if anybody would notice. How long would it be until they noticed.

The thing is by chasing after men like you, i miss out on the ones that care.

I keep thinking of deleting you. I am beginning to think that its about self respect now.

Its the toughest moments that take your breath away

In the back of my mind i should have always known that this globetrotting lifestyle isn't as glamourous as it seems. That five star luxury lacks the friendships made for a lifetime in a hostel. That as we mature and become successful we enter into a loneliness of our own. Who else has a life like mine?

But then its the toughest moments like these where you grow and its a process of self discovery. Seeing frivolity for just that and getting to the root of who a person is and whats really important in life. No opinion, no exciting memory simply beats being able to call someone each day to check in.

It would be beautiful to think that someone out there cares what i do each day, wonders if i'm ok and would check up on me if i wasn't.

Maybe this was a moment i was meant to have. To slow down, to not expect so much of myself, to take a step back and really understand what i need in a man, to realise that there is a man right in front of me with all the right moments awaiting a future together.

Is this the meaning of love? Is this just the beginning?

So when it all goes down hill it was not G that i called upon. It was K who has been there all along. It wasn't even R who turns up intermittently. And sure i didn't blab my heart out, it was just that the little hint of contact got immediately requited and made me feel better.

When i think about it, its moments like these and weather or not your man can be there for you or not that makes it. Who cares about looks when your stuck on the other side of the world, about to have a nervous breakdown and you feel all alone in the world. I want and need a guy i can call on when i need him. Its moments like these when life feels so bad that makes you relaise how important certain aspects of life are.

Sure i fell for G, but is a man that can't keep his word what i need. There will be more of these moments and i need to be able to depend on a man.

Tonight at an ultimate worst moments K brought some spark back into my life without even knowing it. Its one of those moments where i just want a hug and cry for a moment. i couldn't do it with G or R. I could with K.

He's in it forever. The other are not.

Feeling trapped

This is the worse i have ever felt. I've been travelling for 24 hours, trying to do too much. Love life, friendships, work pressures, even a holiday seems like pressure. Its that feeling of being trapped and trying to figure out how to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown.

I'm back in south east asia and this place is reminding me of a bad experience i had a long time ago. I'm anxious.

I keep telling myself its not the same. That in a few days i'll be out of here.

Usually i would go for a walk with some bautiful scenery while listning to some tunes. I would come back feeling refreshed and feeling lucky to be alive. I would sit on my king couch overlooking the ocean and city views afterwards and think about how beautiful life has treated me.

Here there is no bautiful view. There is noice. Humidity and i feel trapped. There is no fresh air. No sterile comfort of space and expansiveness you get from cold minimalism which i love so much.

Writing has always helped. I thought i would try it again. I wish i had someone to call. Someone to lean on. I need to cry and this time i really need someone.

I have nobody.

Melbourne at its finest

I was walking down flinders st the other day, donning a pair of skinny jeans, stilletto's and wrapped around a cashmere shawl. I was walking along with my usual casual confidence, head held high, taking the world by storm, one step at a time in accordance with my own agenda.

I was turning heads. And then one man looked and with admiration exclamed "Melbourne at its finest"

Sometimes i think i just have IT.

On protecting one's heart

Its funny how life works out. How you learn to stop taking risks in love. Whatever will be will be, and if it wasn't, it was never meant to be. I believed for so log about chasing dreams, living in the passion and intensity of the moment, giving it all i had, even just for a moment.

Things seem more mature now. Perhaps it will lead to happy endings. Life has taught me patience. Lets see where it will get me.

I savour those moments of who i used to be. Every mistake i ever made i look back with pride. After all who can claim to have climbed the highest mountains, to have fallen in love in Paris, on tropical islands, been seduced by the man of their seemingly innocent dreams. My life has been a pleasure, fairy tale romances, blazing adventures, smiles, laughter, tears, beautiful family and friends.

Its another time in life these days. Its still all very good. I have it all. Yet when i had so little i also had it all, just in different ways.

Do i get rid of him?

Its one of those moments where i am truly confused. I have not heard from him in a month yet my instincts and the psychics of the world tell me he is the one. Its tempting to delete him from my life forever.

The things is i love him. Its not like, its love. But then i have been mistaken before. Do i say goodbye or do i wait and see?

I will wait another day. But i am almost ready to say thankyou, goodbye....

Its hard to face reality

You have not called me in three weeks. Yes its been a while. A month since you last touched me.

I think it's time for me to realise that its over. Its tempting to delete you from my life but i can't get myself to. I can't wait to run away next month. To be free in the world.

The reality is that despite my instincts that have time and time again failed me, i am finding that you are not into me. Its time to let go.

Time to enter the wild wonderful world of love once more. Who knows who i will meet...

From the Lobby of five star luxury

Its 7:00 in the morning and i step out of the lift of the Marriot into the lobby. Meetings start at 7:30 and I'm waiting for my boss to come down.

A nice old indian lady is sitting nearby and i smile at her. She reminds me of my mother, my auntie and every other sri-lankan elder i have ever known. She starts up a conversation and enquires about my life.

"Are you indian?"
"No, i'm sri-lankan, but its very close and similar"
"I'm from india and live in LA"
"I live in Melbourne"
"Are you here for work"
"Yes"
"Do you work in IT?"
"No, I work in energy"
*Thoughtfull moment*
"Are you an engineer?"
"Yes i am, but these days i work in sales"
*An attractive indian man walks upto her*
"This is my son, he has a sri-lankan friend, he is a surgeon, you should join us for dinner, You should take his email address......"

So i walk away with his email address. He says hello and steps back as his mother is doing quite well with this situation.

Anyway he is a surgeon in LA and very very cute.

Eventually my boss comes my way and we are off for the day.

Its funny what life throws at you, who you meet at the oddest of moments. Lets see where this takes us.

I'm still in love with him

Today was a blast from the past. I met up with an old flame that was really ever the only man that i had a real relationship with. One of those heart wrenching yet ecstatic life memories that only two lovers who come together can concot.

We are friends these days, catch up occasionally and the tenderness is still there. The friendship is as strong as ever. It always feels like no time has passed. Honesty, integrity, trust. Thats what we are made of.

And deep down i still love him and there is still that chemistry between us. Our silly jokes, our conversations, the laughs in between moments and that ability to be completely stupid together. Then there's that intellectual match and world changing discussions evaluating the ways of the world and where we fit into it all.

I wish somehow we could make it work. But he is with another. And these days being with another is serious. We are no longer kids. There are whole lives involved.

I wonder if he feels the same way? That sometimes there is an inkling in the back of his mind that perhaps we have both grown up from back in the day and that we are perfect for each other.

I still love him. I wonder if one day...

Was it revenge?

I remember a long time ago it was you and i, and then you ran away, and then i found solace in your friends arms.

It was a long time ago and it was a betrayal of our friendship. Are you getting me back by messing with her head while trying to get me too?

Perhaps i will look back one day and wish i was here again

In reality life is beautiful. The men are a plenty. I have a lovely apartment and a beautiful network of friends and family to share love and joy with. I'm a bachelorette living in a bachelorette pad and i love it.

I have many a man to choose to go on dates with. I have a high flying career and i traverse the world on a whim. Weather it be climbing a mountain, lying on an exotic beach or simply enjoying a home cooked meal with good friends, i really have it all. There is even a man that makes my heart sing even if he does not sing the same song as i.

The thing is i am truly happy right now. I am living the life. I am sure to look back on these days and treasure them in fond memories. I just need to remember to enjoy the moment.

Smile, laugh, sing, dance....

The truth of the matter is

That i have not been doing so well because of the way you have treated me.

New man on the block

I met someone new last night. K just wasn’t enough of a distraction or that was all that he was. G is still on my mind. I’m disappointed in him but my heart is still pointing his way.

So I met another one. Quite a surprise and quite different to my current type. But perhaps people come into your life to learn certain lessons. He is so emotionally available, open and honest in a really supportive way. On top of that successful in his own way, different from what I would consider the road to all you want.

He is a personal trainer who has branched out to owning studio’s and three business’. Great mindset, thinks family and friendships are incredibly important. More importantly he can express his feelings so well and understands the dynamics of men and women, how men think, how I feel and how I react. My usual emotionally distant self crumbling out of necessity to match his honesty. Its nice to meet someone who allows you to acknowledge your own feelings.

Perhaps he will be good for me. Perhaps this is a sweet distraction. Perhaps this is a lesson learnt. Perhaps this is a lifetime.

Who knows?

When trust erodes in friendship

There is a male friend of mine who i have known for eleven years. Moments in time i have had a crush on him while at other moments i have cried and confided in him. Then once he kissed me and then ran away and he hurt me and he ran away again and he came onto my friend and now he flirts with both of us at the same time.

Your real colors are showing through and it took eleven years to see that. You are not a good person. I do not like you.

I wonder if you even make it to a friend.

I'm so disappointed in you and disappointed in my judgement for not realizing what you were really like all this time.

I still like him

Not sure why as he is acting like a dick.

Yet those first few moments, the way he looked at me, the conversations, the moments and the way he held me in his arms and brushed the hair away from my eyes and looked deep into my eyes and told me he liked me. He said it with his whole body.

Who knows what the future will bring. Perhaps i will never see him again and it will ust fizzle away. It was fireworks in a smallish way. The first moments of love and romance from which i found joy and excitement. Yet this time around i have been somewhat twice removed, not quite recovered from being burnt in love so many times. I no longer put my heart on the line with the intensity and passion that i used to.

Its protected my heart this time around. We will fizzle without ever beginning.

And then my intuition tells me otherwise. The spiritual side of me is saying that he is the one, that he is thinking of me, and someday soon he will try to get it all back. That somewhere in the distant it will be him and I for all of eternity.

The tide is turning

Just as the wind changes direction, it seems my heart may actually be turning the other way. He is a man that’s been right in front of me and when I come to think of it, perhaps I never appreciated him for who he was.

It’s a weird feeling. I’m reconsidering G. He has not been around and do I really want someone that acts the way he does. And it’s getting secretive and murky now. Like he is hiding something. The little white lies, the disappearance of all things me, the disappearance of all things him from my life. I never knew him and he ran away before the final act.

But then there is a man that’s been on the sidelines for sometime. I had a fun night the other night. Our core values are the same. He is a good person. More so he is available and he is into me and he is mature and ready for something more in life.

The other day I was thinking of a child. One of my own. What it would be like to have one. What it would be like to feel that love. Some sort of maternal instinct coming through as it never has before. I could see me with a child of my own. It no longer freaks me out.

And in that light what type of man would I want. I think K wins out over G for sure.

We are on a cusp and G is losing his lustre for real this time. And that is not a bad thing.

Its been seven days

Is this really over? You have not been in touch.

The psychics in the world said you would do this. They said you were the one. So in my mind i did not panic.

But really it seems like it's over. The past few weeks you have disappeared with only the occasional call. We don't talk, we don't communicate.

I don't know how to bring up anything. I am hurting further more. You make me cry sometimes.

You and i, we have not been fireworks in any way like all the times before. You are just a guy and i am just a girl and we live in the same city and out lives just seem to fit in so many ways. I just don't see the external barriers right now, its just within us.

Perhaps we are not meant to be together. My instincts say otherwise but i have to accept also that this may be it. Game over. Your just over it, that you were never into me. I don't know why you came on so strong only to disappear.

I don't know how you feel. You make me cry.

On Getting Older

In amidst the drama and excitement i forgot how old i was. I turned 29 the other day, only a year away from the big 30. Today i went to a friends 30th.

Somehow we all got so much older without realising it. I don't know how but it just happened that way.

Once a long time ago i wanted to be be married by thirty, for my life to be sorted. I feel i need to do something with life in this year. I have sat back for long enough. I'm not sure what but its time to shine.

There is a man that can give me it all and wants to give it all. Then there is a man that seems not to care but at this moment my heart is facing his way. Is this the time to be sensible? Or do i just enjoy this one last year and be sensible after thirty?

Thats my thresh-hold. I will settle down after that. My parents can sort it out.

The man i want to spend the rest of my life with is here now. If only he will turn my way.

Somethings up

Your trying to hide something. I wonder what it is. I can feel it.

I went on a date last night

And it wasn't with you.

He's been in the background for years now. I know he's into me. He always has been. And its been so long that i even forgot why i never went for him in the first place.

He's a nice guy. Ticks all the right boxes. I'm not sure the sparks there but perhaps that can grow.

I even kissed him. I'm seeing him next week as well.

Life goes on babe. It may not be game over but boy does life keep going on!

A force to be reckoned with

You and me. We could be powerful together. You know it. I know it. Why fight it?

I love you. I always have. Do you not remember that we have spent lifetimes together? Thats why it feels so comfortable.

Remember when you woke up that morning and you lay your head on my breasts and let yourself sink into the safety of my arms and i held you so tenderly? That was beautiful for a moment. You felt it too and then you freaked out and it all changed and you established your manhood and held me in your arms. That was beautiful in its own way but i know for a moment you felt safe with me.

And i know that you know that while you freaked out this time, you will feel that way in this lifetime one more. I know that you know that this is it. I am meant for you and you are meant for you.

Baby i love you. Our souls and our bodies remember times and lifetimes gone by. Its you and me babe. I love you.

You realise this already. I can't wait for you to admit it to me.

As i said, Babe i love you. I could make you my world if you wanted me to.

Thankyou to the David's and M's of the world

Despite the mess of this situation i still have a good feeling about it all. Deep down if i had to admit it to myself, its not game over, this is the guy i have been with for eternity and i look forward to another lifetime together.

But its every other relationship that will make it work. David and M and all the other men, i learnt so much about what does not work. To my career for the life lessons in emotional intelligence and being more self aware. I owe you the world for being able to face the world with clarity and sensibility.

Everything i have done this time around has been a lesson learnt in life experience.

I love this guy. He loves me too. I know it. He knows it. In time we will make it work.