The state of the world

It feels so depressing these days. Living through a pandemic in a relatively safe world. Watching devastation while only really slightly exposed. Hearing about the aftermath. It's all mostly bad news. 

Will we ever get out of this? is it justified that we even worry when the rest of the world is in a bad place.

I feel so sad after hearing of the theft. And he is privileged. Imagine how bad the rest are doing. 

But just feel down and sad and bad. 

I wish I could be by his side. Hold his hand. Give him a hug. Not to help but give a bit of reassurance that its human connection and what we have that matters. But it is yet to exist. 

He will work this out. I have confidence. 

I wish I could help in some way. 

I wish I could touch him

 To gently graze his arm, to give him a hug, a warm embrace. 

A gentle touch between two humans in love can be magic and comforting when the whole world appears to be against you.

I got that one so so wrong

 The man from. far away is in a bad place. Major theft adding to his stress. I should stop being so selfish and be more caring and understanding.

So much going on right now and the stress in my cushy life couldn't even be called stress.

I want it to be you

To meet a man that is so crazy about me that he will chase me and want me and make it work. My mum had that. Back in the day a lot of women had that. 

These days I case him.

Maybe he is just not that into me. Replacing the excitement of a first love with a pandemic filled with death and devastation. Or simply just ignoring him for another man when we could meet in person. I never even met to say goodbye in person. I was horrible to him back then. Disappeared in a flash. 

Back in the day I wasn't interested. But I am so interested now. Am I just being stupid. Only wanting men it can't work with. 

To be truly honest if you were to say you want to marry me, I would give up my career and move to India and see how it goes. Maybe I will work. Maybe I won't. But part of me will be happy not to. Or to help you out. 

I had you on a pedestastal. No man works like that.

So goodbye to you my lover in me head. It was amazing while it lasted in my head. 

Some days are just lonely and desolate

I love my mum. My only comfort and solace and any love that I get.

Everything else is just daydreaming. I have no real connections anymore. No one to talk to. No one to see.

I am dreaming if I think me and the man from far away will work out. But also he is stressed and he is a great guy. But I think I live out the romance in my head than with him. It is probably not real. Maybe I am turning him into somebody he is not and its all in my head as he keeps telling me. 

I don't know when this will end. When this random life during a pandemic with these lockdowns will ever end. Approaching the autumn or the winter of my life. And there is no spring and summer. They have passed. I am wasting away in time.  I'm sad. I'm down. 

I have moments where it feels good but I am living in a parallel reality in my head. I think I always have lived in my own world in my head. With men I connect with that don't exist. While trying to make connections with those that exist in reality. 

Sometimes the movies we watch ruins you. 

I have not been doing well lately. But good at hiding it. But feeling like retreating from the world. Just not mum as she is all I have. The man from far away is great but I also think I have changed him in my daydreams of who he actually is, albeit a really nice guy that maybe ten years ago I ignored. 

The friends I have including the man from faraway - they barely know me. No one does except maybe my mum. Who I don't confide in, or but I do but such little, but she sees my pain. 

I feel stuck in luxury right now. Trapped by wealth. Trapped by money. Living a life that seems great on paper but deep down I am just sad. 

So very very sad.

He's doing it tough, I am in my head being impatient

But nothing is actually wrong. If anything it is my lack of understanding.

And he is trying to tell me that he can't contact me because he is actually busy. And I know what that is like. Like when it is realistic. 

And so him telling me that is enough for me. 

I stay in touch because I can. Ask questions. But its ok by me if he gets busy. I know him too well. Not the type to ignore me or play games. He actually is busy and kind of surrounded by death and devastation. 

But his message to say he can't talk. I know he really can't. But also not trying to push me away. I think we have real feelings for each other. 

I miss him. But in reality over a year before we can even consider meeting. The pandemic brought us together. If in a time where he was a few days away from meeting - I actually had no interest. 

So lets keep daydreaming. Passively exploring other men. But I know who has my heart.This time is real as he knows too.

 and I could tell him by text in my own way I feel comfy. 

I get up in the middle of the night

To check if you have messaged. I know you must be busy. Lot is on for you. But sometimes I think I need to understand that this is also all happening inside my head. This whole relationship that I have with you. I live it out in my head to indulge. But that moment of indulgence has gone pretty far. We spend so much time together in my head. Inseperable. Is it us? or is it past boyfriends overlaid on you? It would be hard to make us work.

Maybe I should let you lead? 

Maybe one day you need him to act like a man

 I am all his. but he needs to own me. if he wants. 

Some days

 Some days you feel in love with a man. But he stops contacting you. Maybe because you don't matter. maybe because he thinks he don't matter.You will never know why. but sometimes have to say goodbye. I want you so bad babe. but you don't want to talk to me a bout it.

The ebs and flows of life

 In a really bad place. Just day in and day out. Everything seems pointless. In my head the man from faraway lives with me. We speak all the time. I fall asleep in his arms. 

Yet I tinder and work and do stuff. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head. But it can't be. How can I love someone so so much and it not be real. I feel the feelings are reciprocated although cautiously. 

He's still very much in my thoughts

 And that was silly thinking right now. He is in lockdown, stressed by work and surrounded by death and worry. The last thing he needs is my demands or me disappearing. Regardless he is my best friend. And perhaps that is all that we will be. Who knows.

I still day dream of him all the time. Picture him next to me. I will indulge for a bit longer.

I am SAD

 I think the best thing is to say goodbye and leave. He knows I like him. but nothing matters or changes.

I need to walk away. Let him decide he will or open my life to another

Right now in no mans land, being taken for granted.

One more day and then I will leave. 

I doubt you will even realise how I feel. 

should I say goodbye to us

 for the first time ever I have found a man I love/like. But we cannot be. We talk but I spend more time waiting for his replies.

I have to walk away sometime right. I have told him how I feel. It's all a hard situation. But it is unrealistic from the man from far away. Maybe also both too old to make things happen. 

I will miss saying goodbye to this. 

Will it ever work

 I dream of him. We wake up every morning together and old. I picture us both middle aged and really old because neither of us are young.

But maybe we are not meant to be. I want to see more effort from you. But I out too much in, you are stressed, the wold is is a much worst state. I can hold things together bu I need to know a bit from you!

I miss you. and every message you send me makes sparks fly. 

I also love you.

I  actually love you. and this is more real than before.

the only but is that maybe we will Never ever be together

Just going through the motions

That's what it feels like these days. Was a good day at work today. I actually enjoyed myself with some site visits.

I spoke a bit to the man from faraway too. 

I was feeling a little sick.

Good chat with a few people and mum.

Just another day of going through the motions. 

i woke up this morning thinking of you

 You were in my bed. and we cuddled and did a little bit more. But more than anything i was in your arms. I dream of the man from far away that now knows i like him. 

Will i ever get to touch you? who knows? but my heart belongs to you.

Who would have thought. 

Some days

 I day dream about him. I think of him all the time.

He has no idea.

But the man from far away knows i like him.

And i sleep imagining i am in his arms.

I don't know how real that is.

But i can dream right. 

the man from far away

 He now knows i feel

So i told him

 and that i did. It feels good to get it off my chest. To be honest. To open up. To be true.

He was level headed. Friends till we meet. He wasn't convinced i felt the way i did. But it wasn't a no either. Just surprised. 

Maybe we get closer as time goes on. I am glad to share with him. 

The man from far away finally knows how i feel. 

Opening up my heart

Yoga retreats are a great way to get in touch with reality. For grounding and opening up the heart. It's exactly what I needed. I'm also very much in love with the man from far away. And he confides in me as I do in him, 

So tonight is not ideal. But I will persevere. I sense of happiness prevails. 

A sense of unfulfilled desire at work. In time maybe my dissatisfaction will grow a lot. Maybe my mortgages will be paid off. And I can be wild and free. But this is the time to be wild and free. Not when your sick and can't do it. 

It's right now to treat your body as a temple. 

And he tried so hard

First date in ages. He was nice. I actually think I looked good and confident. Yet the sparks were not flying. Despite him trying so hard. I felt uncomfortable. Sometimes bored. Feel so bad for him. I've been speaking to him out of desperation. And now I crave a man I once ignored. 

Minds can change. 

Minds certainly can but I crave the man faraway who I actually feel we have more than lust for. For the first time in my life someone I get along with. Someone I once friend zones, just like with this guy but now I like. 

What a cruel cruel mind. 

But I miss that man that is so far away and doesn't know how much I have fallen for him.

Today I am feeling happy

 After a tumultuous few days of feeling down, today is a turning point. I know this too will pass but I am feeling content. 

Nice chat with the man from far away but I focused in on him than me, getting to know him, about what stresses him out, and also just having a laugh. I fall for him more and more each day. 

Works also a bit calmer having told my manager about where I was struggling and asking to tune out of something and leaving it with them to sort out. I have my own projects as we go on.

I've had a lovely week staying with mum. Absolutely lovely. I was meant to be here for her but instead she has healed me. 

And I have a date tonight with the man closer to Home that I have been chatting too. Let's see where an in person dinner goes. My heart is with another who does not know, but no harm in just an innocent dinner.  I hope I am not being unfair to him.

One foot not quite in the place I want to be and the other not quite in where I don't want to be.  

Happy and sad all at the same time

 I am working from mums. I feel like I don't want to leave. I miss him even though he is faraway. I wait to see his messages even though he does not. Probably does not know I like him.

I didn't sleep well. I was tired. My brain a little broken. A bit deflated.

But so nice at mums. I don't really want to leave.

And the best couple ever broke up. And it appears I will be looking after their dog for a bit. But that's fine. 

And I've needed someone to talk to. Mum is great but I can't tell her how bad I feel. How tired. I stressed. But he is in a whole another level of pain over there. The world in devastation. In constant fear. What I have is nothing.

I couldn't be happier to be here. And now I heard from him and it brings me happiness. 

I wish I could tell him how much I love him. I see a future for us. It would be crazy if we didn't have one. 

Frustrated

I have had the most annoying day at work. Getting involved in politics and stuck. Its annoying but my care factor is also close to zero. I have better things I can do. 

But the reality is I just want to vent. To talk to someone about it. A partner. And I want to talk to him. Not to the other him. 

And I worry about him too. What happens if something happens. He's still working and out and about. It seems so odd as I sit at home all day, almost in a self imposed lockdown. The injustice in this world is so unfair.

I feel so down about it. 

I need to start meditating. 

I like being at mums.

Life goes by meaninglessly. 

Sometimes I don't like my work. But hate would be too strong a word at the worst of times. Yet I can't say it excites me.

I love teaching meditation. 

I love the sense of peace and calm I get from yoga and meditation,

I love the comforts of being at home with mum. It's really nice here. And nice to have company too. Especially when taking a break. 

Next lockdown I will spend here. 

Forwards and then backwards

 I want to stop. And I sometimes do. But then I start again. I'm looking for that buzz. I don't even know what I get. If it really feels any different. Any more relaxed. I get a better buzz from a message from him. But then I think of all the devastation in the world. And then this luxury easy life I lead. And the inequality. And then that its. I start again. 

I've been speaking to someone

 So I've been speaking to a guy lately. On the phone. He seems alright. We call quite often. He is keen but I have been a tad busy to meet up. Mostly because of the way I look these days. I always feel like I need to lose some weight to truly really move on with my life. I am yet again on day three and starting to feel better albeit tired due to the insomnia. 

It's also that my heart is with another. Another that does not know. That I almost had the guts to tell. One I live in a dreamland with like he is beside me. One that is stopping me from moving  forward with anything. Something that is wonderful but heart wrenching at the same time. 

Devastation

I'm living a fairytale romance in my head. And the other day I almost told you. But you got busy and the call dropped out. And now I've lost my nerve. And it feels impossible and yet so real.  And your in a place of devastation.

I am in a place of devastation watching your devastation. 

Life seems impossible in a pandemic despite this cushy life. I actually had a nice day with mum and cat. Nice meals, a fancy haircut. It was a nice day. But was also feeling down. 

Sometimes I think to turn this around I really need to delete the news and the social media. To really limit wasting so much time. Time I should be enjoying each moment, meditating, resting, sleeping, gym, eating healthy, meeting someone realistic, spending more time with mum without the phone. 

The devastation I can't do anything about. I need to get out of this rut.