Getting back to the top of my world

So i had a bit of a downer but today i look back in perspective. The fact that my old company wants me back and i'm considering naming my price. The fact that the ogre is coming unstuck and the fact that my reputation precedes me is working well. Then there is that man in my life i am taking it slow with. I have been the one thats been pushing him away when he has been doting on me hand and foot.

Sometimes i think i just need to let go of the past relationships that did not work and embrace the new man in my life for he is amazing.

Then there is a man that could just work culturally

One that i know loves me completely. One that has seen me at my worst. One that cares about me. One that understands me. One that shares the same values as me.

I can fall alseep in his arms knowing that there will never be anyone else. One where his mom and sister would just fit in. One where he would fit right in with my parents.

Am i kidding myself with this white boy who keeps his profile up?  Is it just cultural thing? the belief and the committmen that you will make a relationship work forever with the best of your ability. And that underlyng belief that not making it work is not an option.

Is this goodbye to something i thought was good in my life?

I'm a little bit lost tonight

My eyes are filled with tears and i'm all over the place.

Am i sad because i can't handle the politics at work, am i sadi because once i was tough but now i want to be more female because i think thats the real me? Is it because i got screamed at by someone wanting to know when i would get something done when i had been excluded all along. Is it becaue i have fallen in love with a man that has an online dating profile that he is updating all the time. Is it because my gut tells me he still loves me when reality states that he probably doesn't.

I'm crying tonight. I hate some people i work with. I wish my boyfriend had a sense of loyalty.

Do i have my rose coloured glasses on to think it is all lovely?

Is it just time to move on?

I'm still crying for i am lost.

Today i came home and cried

Its another friday night. Its a time when things are not going so well.

So much politics at work. I lost the rose coloured glasses many years ago but then i joined a company that held it's head high in integrity and respect. Now thats changing. I am still moving somewhere but sometimes i wonder at what price.

I like being feminine. I don't want to hard just to succeed.

Office politics and these games we play. I'm just a little bit over it. Is success worth it. Do i crave something more representing the greater good? Is it time to move on?

It feels so good and perfect but...

So he dotes on me, calls me all the time and treats me like a princess. I feel secure, i feel good. Or am i just kidding myself?

So he still has a profile online. He is even updating it, making himself more marketable. Is he really ready to settle down? Is he as crazy about me as he claims? Is this why he is not sleeping with me?

I have this feeling in my heart and gut that this is nothing but a browsing exercise, perhaps one of self validation. That he is scared i will leave him for i am that dream girl he had on a pedestal all along.

The thing is i am hurt by it. Its a trust issue. No man is perfect. But...

On having the man of my dreams

So it feels real. Really real.

We are talking about the details which make up a relationship, about our past and letting each other into the circle of our own lives. I have met your best of friedns and you have met mine. You have a open invitation to my life and i have that for yours.

I know what your upto and i love you for it. I share the same with you.

I can see myself growing old with you. I love your intellect, yout fitness and how gorgeous you look.

Everything is just falling into place. We will be amazing together.

I love you.

The anticipation of not having him

So it was me that asked to take it slow. And now i crave for him to make a move.

But really he is treating me so well. Getting to know me. Hanging out. Letting me see who he really is.

I'm also a little nervous around him. For some reason not entirely myself.  Somethings seem a little childish around him.

In time he will be delicious. I am definitely falling for him.

I'm acting like myself

Today i was a little sad and a little unsure. I just messaged him and he lay my claims to rest. Not in the perfect way but in a way that works.

Sometimes its good to let yourself be vulnerable. To take a risk and follow your gut and ask the right questions and let your emotions flow through.

It looks like he needs some time in his man cave. Think the best of it all. He will  be in touch when he is ready.

Its another friday night at home

Its been a tough week. Work is going along well mostly but this week has been particularly difficult and stressful. Forging my way through the coorporate world. Climbing ladders i should not of reached for some time yet.

I'm thirty. My friends are drying up. Those nights of drinking and shananigans are reserved for wives, girlfiriends, fiancee's, opera shows and plain olf falling asleep after a long hard week.

I have a man. Sort of. But he has entered some cave.

I'm at home with my beautiful view and my beautiful couch. Life really is beautiful. I should relish these moments for they will not last forever.

I have met the man of my dreams. And we are catching up on sunday.

He is amazing

I am in love.

This time its real with a man that dotes on me. With a man thats known me through my worst and best. Through a man who has seen my bad hair days and the best.

To a man that opens his heart, shares his feelings and takes risks. Lets me into his life and calls me pretty and beautiful.

To a man who's intellect amazes me and i can't wait to have that next conversation because he enriches me.

I think we are a forever.

He has been in front of me all along and i never realised.

Just a little moment

So i am incredibly happy with you. Sometimes i do think of the cultural differences of you being an anglo saxon male and myself as an abcd desi finding her way in the world.

You said you and your best friend will always have your inside jokes and secrets.

I guess the fundamentals of growing up sri lankan was that you and your man were a unit and no one else would ever intrude.

It is a tiny little thing. Perhaps it does not matter.

The real deal

He's been there all along and i only decided to notice a few weeks ago.

Today he took me for al ong drive and had lunch with his best friends. He held my hand, he was nothing but a gentleman and he kissed me without a second thought.

His friends embraced me with open arms and i felt right at home.

Playing the game

Work wise i have been somewhat stressed, feeling like i am losing. Even just last night.

But catching up with an old flame that a great platonic friend today and that long walk down st kilda rd helped clear things up.

Sometimes you just got to play the game and that is what i am good at. Add some integrity to the equation and i really can't be undone.

I think it is about imitating the ones that have made it. Their cool calm collected nature of never reacting, always seeking the answers.

It is also believing that people will unravel themselves through she

Sometimes you need to let him chase you

Instill a little fear to let that primal urge come up. But treat him with utmost respect and let him catch you at the same time.

He is so easy to talk to.

At times he disapears but he seems to come out of it at the same time.

Is he angry at me? Perhaps a little. But then he likes me too.

Falling for a colleague can be complicated but it can make things work at the same time.

I haven't been sleeping

Lately works been all over the place. We are breaking the boundaries and jumping up and down in leaps and bounds. We have reached for the stars and are clambouring on. Not quite there but not quite back on the ground either.

And the uncertainty and the emotion is tough. There are frustrations and allegations working against us on a journey to achieve the same thing.

And its tough. I feel stressed and out of control. I'm not sure what to do at times.

All the things i love about him

I love that he is kind and polite to everyone, including myself
I love the way his eyes light up as he see's me
I love that he always has a genuine compliment for me
I love that we lock eyes and he has that special, ever so sweet smile reserved for me when he knows no one is looking
I love that he has a little bit of that reformed bad boy in him
I love that he treats me like a princess
I love that he is every bit a gentleman
I love that he wears his heart on his sleeve
I love how we can have such deep conversations
I love his shoulders and cuddling upto him in his arms
I love of how he talks about our future together

Moments of bliss with the real thing

Its been a whirlwind few days or even weeks.

There was that wild halloween party where we spent hours at a close friends getting ready, talking shit and making the world spin and following on, with only a party that would forever be remembered and etched in our minds.

Then there was that birthday dinner at a low key restaurant with my good friends and a few quiet drinks and nibbles while overlooking the world at my place, debating the fundamental nature of the 24th chromosone and its implications of the differences between men and women in the dating scene.

Its laughs all along the way with that warm fuzzy feeling.

Then there is that man that has caught my eye that talks of marriage and children and falling in love. We go for runs and dream up solutions to the world and all its peculiarities. He meets me intellectually and he meets me emotionally and i crave his touch.

Turning thirty has been the best thing. All is falling into place.