A changing of the tide

With the coming of a new year , with the growing older through time, i enter a new life stage in my life.

An older, wiser, more mature one. 

A place i never thought i would reach, enter, wanter to reach.

It was a few thoughts here and there, a few sentiments, a few looks of the joy on their litte faces as they pass me by. Is that maternal instinct finally surfacing? Am i but yet another pin in the whole scheme of the world, doing their best, to live life and be happy.

Just like everyone else?

So close, yet so far away

I miss you. I miss your arms around me, your body, the way we moved together, the kisses, the hugs and falling alseep together. I miss waking up with you. 

Why don't i call you? Why don't you call me?

Do you miss me too?

I wonder...

An abundance of all, yet no substance to it all

We have everything available to us in abundance these days. Choices, opportunities, material possessions, countries, cities and even friends. Yet sometimes it feels like we get lost in it all, that it all gets spread so thin that after a while, a whole lot of everything amounts to not much of anything.

We look to our friends. Any facebook page would have me at the height of a social butterfly, i have just under 300 hundread friends. That doesn't even include all the friends of friends i have at my disposal to tap into if i wish. 

Yet i have no best friends. In amougst the masses i have missed out on forging that one, two, three four person tribe that sticks thick and thin, through it all. I don't have someone i tell all about my day each night, there is no one to call to say i am sick, there is no one to have a night out with or a chat when i feel lonely.

And its like that for everything. We have at our disposal the entire world. Its one of the greatest times to be alive.

Yet so sterile and lonely. 

Craving substance

Another year comes to an end

So close to the end of another year. This time it has crept up even faster than the last. Its at this stage that you start reflecting on the year that was. The milestones you achieved, the laughs that you had, those special never to forget moments lived and the mistakes you learnt from. 

Every year it comes down to a number of moments in our lives that pool together to define the year that was.

So for me this year was one of solidifying a life that had been running around the world, free as a bird for some time. It was one to stabilise and figure out the important things, slow down a bit so that one can move forward even faster into the future. All good lives need a solid base and this was the year i started creating that.

So i changed careers and moved into my first management role, i bought my first apartment, i lived in one city i call home for three seasons and intend to stay for more, i bought some expensive make up, i dated someone and i lost someone, i watched the first of my friends get married and really started to appreciate the wonderful-ness of my family.

It was a year of building solid foundations so that i can soar next year. All dreams need foundations.

What will next year bring? Only time will tell...

life in retrospect and history repeating itself

To my dear sis,

Today in you, i caught a glimpse of a mistake i myself made. It broke my heart to see it repeating itself, yet i felt so helpless not saying anything. I am not the best communicator and even if i was, would it make a difference.

I always envied the friendships that you had. I was always the one that was flying around the world, running from the arms of one exciting man to another, making new friends, developing new careers, making plans to stake out my own share of this world.  You were the one that stayed in melbourne, holidays were for spending time with good friends. You had no desire to take over the world or see what it was like to live on every continent in the world.   So while i never stayed put the keep the friendships alive that i crave today, i saw you enrich them, embedded in them and glowing in their glory.

Yet the other day i enquired about your best friend. Yes the one that was always in every photo of you, the one that new all about you, the one that everyone new was your best friend. I was surprised at your response, that she was no longer your best friend.

I remembered back to the days of my two best friends. Before falling in love with men, before traveling he world.   They were the best of friends and life was beautiful and it was always smiles and fun.  Yet i never kept in touch, i lost that magic. A few years later i realised what a mistake that i had made, that as you grow older, friends are not so easy to make, that bonds form in younger days are often stronger than those from later life. That in younger days, of uni days, of school days one has the time to really get to know another, unlike in later life where the world gets busier and busier. 

So those friendships for me were never the same again. Who would have thought that my best friend i would call but once a year, if that at all?

So my dear sis, i see red lights, i want to see you make up and realise the importance of those friendships formed when young.

I hope you sort it out in time, for it too much time passes that magic is gone, and often so hard to recapture. 

A stroll through memory lane

Yesterday i went for a stroll through the botanical gardens.  Life has come so far that it is but my backyard these days.  Yet back in those days it was a magical place for you and i.  Its where we grew up, fell in love, hid from the world and found our own sanctuary.  I strolled past our special place on the hill, which overlooked the big canopy of trees below. I sat by the lake where once we asked a stranger to take a photo. Even now when i look at that photo, i can almost feel the love and emotion that we shared.

Of course that time is over. Of course in those days we lived far away, there was much to do. This place was stolen moments in time, in between classes, in between parents, in between two cultures which set to tear us apart.

These days we have both grown up. We have become successful. You and i, we can both walk here from our homes. Even see it from our windows. 

Yet for you and I, this is not a time or place any longer. We went our separate ways a long time ago. That love we shared is for the trees, for the lake, for that special spot on the hill, for another time, another world.

Its no longer ours for we walked away, each to their own destiny.

Why do i miss him so?

I never thought it would get to this. That i would crave his touch, his words, his eyes, his arms around me. 

I miss him a lot. The way he looked at me, the way his eyes lit up when i walked into the room, the way he took the lead and i was by his side. The way he confided in me with his fears and thoughts, the way he asked for my advice, the little thoughtful things he did to make sure i felt special and comfortable.

Why did i not respect him, love him, admire him and accept him from the start? Why did i doubt him so much?

I miss him now. 

I hope you call

The worst part in my mind about you and i, was that i never gave it my all. I never admires, respected and loved you with all that i had. It was cautious steps for me, protecting my heart as i let you lead.

I stayed quiet when i should of spoke. I let you assume and believe things about me that was not truth. You never saw the fiery, spunky, spontaneous girl that i am. The worst thing is you never will. 

You have written me off, never knowing the real me. And really, its me that never let you in.

I didn't know how, i didn't know when. I wanted to be someone else to see what it was like. 

So i miss you now. So i miss you and wonder what it would be like, had you have known the real me.

Right now you have a special place in my heart. To work things out, to let you in, to see if we click. The real me and the real you.

I hope you think of me sometimes with a smile, i hope you miss me, i hope you call.

Retresting back against all that was learned

I seem to have gone back in time. I was developing for a while, growing comfortable with myself, not drinking, being fit and healthy, enjoying the quiet me time.

And then one day i find myself alone and feeling lonely. Of wanting company without quality. 

Its time for a change. Time to let go of the past, to figure out whats stressing me out, to straighten out my life and find the core to my happiness.

Easier said than done tho.

I miss those moments in India which made me realise how lucky i was to have my life. 

And men. How to sory out the men in my life. I think now is the time to venture forth, time to enter a part of my life once more where i want to throw caution to the wind and have fun. 

So let me make a commitment. From today onwards for the next two months of my life its just fun and games, nothing serious. I want to sleep with any guy i so find desirable, give those i wouldn't usually give a try and just enjoy life for just a little while. 

Because i can, because i want to, becuase i am free.

Busy busy busy

Sometimes its nice to be busy. It distracts you in some ways, it keeps the adreline up and you forget about those bigger issues in your life that haunt your when you find a moment all to yourself.

But at the same time, your running away in some ways, are you not? Ultimately one day one must face their problems. If one does not, it will linger on.

Be careful what you wish for

When i was young and a dreamer i had this image in my mine. An image of a lady with a trench coat, a samsonite suitcase, a designer handbag and dark glasses, hopping from city to city, catching planes as if it were a bus. I saw her sipping wine in expensive restaurants, flicking through magazines in the lobby of an expensive restaurant, sitting in a boardroom with a suit, hopping from one function to the next.

And then one day i became that women.

Sometimes dreams do come true.

And then sometimes i absolutely love it. It defines me, it drives me, it makes me smile with pride. Yet other times i find myself alone in an expensive hotel, missing my family, missing my friends, missing that familiarity.

Some dreams loose their glimmer. Or they become reality and one must find new dreams.

But in finding new dreams one becomes more careful, for dreams do come true.

You have set me free

Sometimes the easiest way to let go of a boy is to find out that he doesn't deserve the respect you gave him. That he is not worthy, honest and trust worthy, that his words had always been but empty promises, that those tiny moments of feeling special were nothing more than smooth talk, practised and refined across countless women.

Yes its easy to let him go now. Loose respect.

Cat got my tongue

Against the backdrop of the ocean i love so much, two passers by interwine once more.

The words were meaningless, i never know what to say to you. Your presence too powerful, my feelings so deep i don't even understand them. 

I push away. I'm scared of you.

I know not how you feel. I know not how i feel.

Are we meant to be together? All these coincidences, is the universe aspiring to bring us together? 

I still miss you.

If only i could tell you how i feel

Your close by but so far away. We live in two different worlds now. I collected my stuff and left the other day.

"Keep in touch, call me, email me" and so we said goodbye to a love that could have been but never got the chance to find out.

I held back so many times. Was it you? Was it me? Did i not feel i had your attention or was it that i was too insecure to show my real self?

Those moments when i missed you, should i have told you?

I miss you now. 

You will never know that.

Catching a glimpse of paradise

With the ocean on one side, the palm trees by the road, a few beamers cruising by and tunes on my ipod, i jog along with my head held high.

I feel lucky to be alive, lucky for this to be regular, lucky that i am fit and healthy, lucky to be surrounded by other fit and healthy people. Jogging along as i watch the ocean waves hit the shore i feel a slightly calming effort. The new group of beach volleyballers and their antics and mastering the art call for a short chuckle while i watch the kite boarders attempt impossible feats in the backdrop. The occasional family with the pram or kids, a couple holding hands makes me smile with a tad of envy for a world i am not apart of.  I pass dogs on leashes, other jogger by's, the odd indian tourist and smile at the eclectic world that i have immersed myself in. 

The oceans calming and sometimes i walk along the shore, staring into the distance, astounded by its greatness. I think of other lives, of friends and lovers made on other shores and the future which awaits. The world is my oyster and the ocean the path. 

This is where i think, this is where i teach myself to be happy, this is where i feel lucky to be alive. The evening colours of pink and orange as the sun says goodbye for another day, the beam of sunshine which strike down through the occasional cloud, the lights and the city which comes alive as night falls, all come together to create one of those moments.

For just a moment it seems like i've caught a part of paradise.

Another new start

Its one of those turning points in life where i say good bye to some things, recognise the value of others and open my heart and eyes to another world.

This time i say goodbye to a boy who had captured my heart for a moment, to those hugs and cuddles i had come to crave and whose arms i had begun to feel ever so safe in. I say goodbye to a less confident, slightly stressed version of myself who had for some time been looking to find her feet in a new career. 

I keep the part of me that values the friendships, the effort and time spent with family, conversations which bring you closer and caring more each day. I keep the gym sessions and the evening runs and relaxing over a swim. I keep that feeling of physical well being and feeling happy. 

As i turn a new leaf, i say hello to a world of possibilities, of a more confident me at work, one that is looking to take charge of her career and take it to the next level. I say hello to one who want to work hard, explore possibilities and revel in the effort. 

I open my heart once again to love, to that elusive stranger that i will meet one moment into the future who will have that spark, that twinkle in their eyes where i'll just know. I'll look forward to feeling that magical connection once more and building up the trust and friendship, forging the foundation for a lifetime together.

Yes its time to turn the page once more. Thankyou world for the good times.

Breaking up is always hard

Even though i know it had to come to an end, even though i didn't even see him in my future, It still hurts.

Multi Million dollar deals

It was just another one of those days, donning a suit and a presentation on a USB pitch i find myself pitching to a few suits.  You give me half a mill and i'll make you five.

Its funny how we grow up isn't it. Throw a few million around here and there, perhaps consider taking over the world or something along those lines.

And then later on, going for a jog along the ocean, listening to tunes on my ipod, contemplating the future and where i want to go. Melbourne, Switzerland, the states, a harvard MBA or perhaps i could become an investment banker?

So many possibilities, so many realities.

And then there's men, should i call him, should i leave it, should i forget him, i never was that into him anyways. Or will it blossom into something more. 

Its one of those blissful moments in life really. Great friends, great career, great family, great life. Stability where the heart is. 

How can some people be so mean

You put all your trust and heart into a man, he treats you with kindness and sweet words. For just a moment you feel safe in his arms, are caught up by his charms. You feel like a team and he speaks of a life to be lived together.

And then one day, its like a switch turns on and he becomes another person. His words no longer sweet, you barely recognise him as the one you let into your life, in faith, in trust.  He seems not to care how you feel, if he is making you cry, if he is kicking you when your down. 

You wonder, did this man change, or was this the real him, waiting to pop out at some destructive moment?

Its hurts.

Life as a Alpha Femme

I've always been the alpha femme, successful, beautiful, smart, with my life together and the world wrapped around my little finger. Never really with a drought of savvy eligible men but then never really in a committed relationship either.

I expect the world to bend to my rules. If i intimidate a man away, thats his problem, not mine. Its about setting your standards high and finding a man that can handle all that is me.

Typically i always thought it was the alpha male that was meant for me. Strong, successful, on top of his game, no need to be intimidated by myself as his life is so successful.

Yet i read an article on the psychology of alpha males and females which brought on one of those lightbulb moments. Alpha males in general are driven by insecurities, there are many other men on his footstep just waiting to take him on. Alpha females on the other hand are unique, take on that non-traditional role, make the rules and are truly and honestly confident.  

This article went on to say an alpha male needs validation, yet with an alpha female, he meets his match or gets intimidated. Its not to say all women would have this effect but its an interesting observation.

So what does it mean for me? It doesn't have to mean anything. My dream man will come along at the right moment and i'll just know.   Its a matter of being true to myself and living my in such a way that i have a smile on my face each morning and night. 

Life always blossoms into all that is beautiful.

Stilettos in the boardroom

Sometimes in the middle of a meeting, in the middle of a discussion, i almost get startled by how far i've come.    I look around me, and find myself amoungst men, sitting in a boardroom in my stiletto's, discussing business strategy and the way forward. I'm the youngest and the only female in all this, and i have my part to play in the whole scheme of things.

Sometimes i think career has been the easiest part. But then i guess it always got a whole lot of effort too. Its like an elephant on a skateboard, ready to be pushed just a little go very very far. Success comes at the tip of my fingertips, leading to even greater sucess'

If only the rest of life could work out as well.

My Perfect Man

My perfect man would dote on me and love me and want me by his side, always and forever. He would want to wake up with me in his arms and he would want to fall asleep holding my hand. He would crave to brush the hair away from one face, to cup my face within his warm hands and kiss me ever so gently while looking deeply into my eyes.

My perfect man would want to know every little detail of my life, what makes me tick, what makes laugh, what makes me cry, what makes me feel alive. He would be supportive of my dreams, he would welcome me into his life with an open heart. I in turn would know everything about his, his dreams and aspirations, his closest and deepest secrets, what makes him laugh and what makes him hurt.

It would be an innocent love, pure and true, built on faith and trust. One of holding hands and never wanting to be apart. We would yearn for each other and think of the other constantly.

My perfect man and i would be a team and it would be us against the world. A reckonable force so strong that nothing could stand in our way or tear us apart. Our problems would be between us and we would be ever so faithful to each other.

My perfect man and i would love each other, forever for all of eternity.

My perfect man would make me smile each night, each day, each moment.

Too much information can be a dangerous thing

So i've met a man and in a ideal wold without insecurities and hurt i would go head first. Yet i protect myself, play games and end up with nothing.

With the onset of technology one can tell all sorts of things about another person. You can find out things online about someone that in the past never would have been possible.

Gone are the days when we are all so pure and innocent. Life isn't like that any more. Its so hard to trust someone so intensely. To make yourself vulnerable.

Where do you draw limits to your world? to the pain. If something is painful, if a man can make you cry. Then why do we stay.

Its really time to walk away isn't it.

Why is it so hard to break up with someone

Some people are comfortable being the dumper while others are comfortable being the dumpee.  Sometimes it boils down to sex, while other times pure personality.

For me, pre sex, I am most likely to be the dumper. Post-sex though, there seem to be some irrational form of attachment we women feel, a false sense of intimacy which clouds ones judgement. Even if i find myself in a situation where i cry myself to sleep each night, i still find it so hard to let go.

And then comes communication. I am coming to realise that this is definitely not one of my strong points. Its almost like i am scared of feeling rejected so i don't speak up about what i want. 

I guess these are the motions in life. 

In need of a friend

Even after all this time, it seems i have not mastered the art of friendship.

I miss the days of growing up, where routine and simple things dictated life, where cliques in schools dictated your friends and you saw them every day without fail. I miss those moments in growing up where you spend your day with that one person and then return home to chat over the phone all night.

Life has become so busy, the world has opened up so many options, its too easy to hop a city or a country. We catch more planes that public transport and communication is the occasional checking in on facebook when one gets a birthday reminder. 

True friends are hard to come by and it seem i have given them up. And the ones few and far between who are completely dependable live in other cities, under a different sun and moon.

I crave those moments of childhood innocence, before we grew up, explored the world and become so successful and busy that we don't even know what its like to be happy anymore.

Is he a keeper?

Why do women stay in relationships when it doesn't make them happy. 

When i am with him i am happy, but i like the warmth of another person, the hugs and kisses and cuddles. Besides them he could be any other man. 

Its not really him i am craving is it. Its just a man.

He doesn't make me happy and there are some characteristics in him that make me feel uneasy. 

If i had to describe him in five words i would say:

Selfish, Self-centered, Lost,  affectionate, arrogant

I wonder sometimes if he knows me at all. What makes me tick, what makes me cry, what makes me laugh.   If i were to look into the future i don't see him in it.

I think i know what to do now.

On missing the spark

So i'm seeing this so called nice guy. Just successful an arrogant enough to be datable, self-centered enough to keep me interested.

I miss the spark thought. I'm meant to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship. Should i not be more excited? 

I miss the days of falling in love on a tropical island, trying to cram a lifetime into one holiday fling, of feeling like you've met your soulmate.

Is this what relationships are meant to be like?

I had Changed. They had not

Somestimes i cry and i don't know why. My life is perfectly content. Mostly happy and content, successful, no real money worries, an amazing family, great friends and even a boy in the picture as of late.

Its a saturday night and i was happy to spend some time on my own. Great catch with some interstate friends, catch up on my chores, listen to some tunes. 

Yesterday was a blast from the past that i have been trying to avoid. A group of friends that i prioritised for way too long whose values i barely recognise let alone respect. Yet in the muck of it all is always a good hearted friend that you so want to keep. 

So i was back in that world of glamour and louis vutton handbags, where the women are beautiful, pretty, sexy, successful, smart and trendy, on the arms of equally successful and looking men. Feeling somewhat underdressed i remembered the days when i held my own in this crowd, how it was important to aspire to be the most beautiful, never really to succeed.   The backstabbings, the cheating, the game playing, the head games , all a natural part of this world. I learnt that true friends are hard to come by.

I had changed. They had not.  

I walked away with a sour feeling in my mouth. 

No happy reunions. No new enemies.

I didn't do it

Somethings just feel wrong. I feel proud of myself. Just that i can't. That i am a better person for just waiting to see if he would come through.

I've still got it

Do i need validation from the oposite sex to feel good about myself?

To the world i am a confident, secure, fiesty, beautiful goddess with everything going for me. Inside it seems that i am insecure, lonely, sad and desperate. I just hide it so well, even to myself.

So even before one thing ends, on the first sign of neglect i search for others. Tonight its another date, the men are a plenty and its a matter of choosing. I feel no guilt.

Am i cheating? I don't even know. I thought i was in a relationship. But yet i haven't heard from him in three weeks. Is he doing right thing? who knows?

If only life was easier. Tonight i will go forth and see what happens.

Another late night

Sleepless in my trendy south yarra apartment. Missing him, although sometimes i'm not sure who "he" is. Is it the one of the moment, a blast from the past, a craving for the future.

Its not like i've even lost him yet. But then its not like i have him either. And then thinking about it again, its not like i am completely into him and have been right and innocent all along.

At the end of the day i think deep down my feelings are true and genuine. I am just not feeling secure and loved right now to act on them the way i would love. I need to learn to have more faith in men, to really give it my all.

I feel i have lost this time, but for next time its something to remember.

So i met him at a time when i had declared to spend two months going crazy and having random fun, sleeping with every good looking man that i can conjure up. That was the point where i met him, the one i thought was the man of my dreams. So in a moment i dropped my plan and dived right in to a relationship.

I don't know what i want now. I need him to be more attentive. I don't feel right. 

I wish i wouldn't be effected the way i am, but i guess that just means i also felt happiness intensely.

I wonder what the future will bring?

Why do we destroy all that is good

So a few months back i met the perfect man, yes another one. Each time i meet the one i give it my all, sort of.

During all that is good i doubt it.

I am not sure if it is me that is destroying it, or if he was never worth it in the first place. Is it that female thing to blame oneself? Are people trustworthy? How does the world work?

Each time ones heart gets broken, one would think it gets easier, yet it doesn't. It's a little comforting knowing that life goes on, but at the same time it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I miss the days of carefree. When one did not know about broken hearts. 

Life in Motion

One moment your back in your childhood world, wondering where life will take you as a grown up. You imagine globetrotting the world with a beautiful samsonite suitcase, hopping on a plane as if it were a bus, decked out in designer gear, sipping wine at a trendy bar while balancing a handsome significant young other and a glamourous career, all while wearing stilleto heals.

And then one day you wake up and find that dream half true. Your negotiating multi million dollar accounts with men in suits, sitting around in boardrooms. Better yet the samsonite suitcase is always by your side, only to be accompanied by a trendy handbag and sunnies, not to mention the planes, drinks and parties.

But at times you feel so lonely. Friends come and go, and that significant other -- he seems to pop in to my life in various disguises for moments in time, only to disapear as suddenly as he appeared.

So life, what be of it. What to do. Some times it feels like i'm just living through the motions.

A place called home

Its not about returning home. Its about feeling it.

There is a difference and its only now, three months into my new life in my old home, that home feels like home.

The man who captured my heart has lost it just as quickly. Someone i had so much faith in let me down and my intuition was mistaken. The man whom i had such faith in turned into just another, or even worse. Someone so dishonest and unreliable, he was not even worth my thoughts. And in one moment i stopped yearning for him and saw him for who he really was.

True beauty shines through and he lacked thereof.

And life is comming along. I find myself waking up in the morning with a smile, bouncing my way through life, serene, calm, full of life and living life, not simply waiting by wondering whats wrong.

I love my job, i love my family, i love my friends and i love my home. I am open to love and couldn't be better.

One of those moments, those feelings of being me that i just want to capture and treasure forever.

I still miss you

Dear M,

My life is going exceptionally well. It seems i have it all together, an abundance of friends, the phone continuously ringing, supportive parents, have found a new place to live, settling in well to my new job and i've even bought an investment property. 

So why is it that i have spent my whole day thinking of you and missing you?

I can still feel your arms around me as you held me in your arms, i can still feel your gaze upon me.

The hardest thing is not knowing why. What we had was so special that i can't believe you would drop it by the way side for no good reason. I believe in you and have too much faith in you to think that you were simply being a prick of a guy. In fact if i thought that of you it would make things easier.

U and I are meant to be together and i'm angry at you for dropping what we have. I'm sure each of us will find love and fullfillment, but you know we had one of those magical, once in a lifetime chances.  I don't feel that we are fnished with each other yet - for the moment we are -- but someday, some place, some lifetime, our past will bring us together for another chance. 

Perhaps i will come looking for you in Palolem, not to reconcile and not for another go at a fairytale romance, just to see what happens and perhaps a friendship. That is if my intuition is guiding me right into thinking you are not a bad person, just someone thats under stress and perhaps confused and have lost their way. 

In the meantime its time for me to move on regardless of how hard it is to forget you. Its lie life teachs you many lessons, that love doesn't last forever.

I know we met for but a few days but i have known you for lifetimes. I will know you for lifetimes to come as well. 

For now its another goodbye and as a new day comes forth i will once again try to move on and live my life with a smile.

When looking for something, it seems just out of reach

I'm home. 

This is the moment i've been waiting for really all these years. To some home and be ready to travel.  Well i'm here, so what now?

So home hasn't become that magical place where all the answers are. Yes that sense of familiarity and being with family is nice. Friends - well it seems Melbourne has forgotten me.

Sometimes i get scared to go to the same city twice. Especially a city which has beautiful memories. As time goes by, people change, places change, lives change and sometimes are great expectations only make way for a downward fall.

I'm back at my childhood home. I haven't sorted out a home as of yet. There is much work to be done.

And the friends i have. Well times are changing, everytime you travel away you come back a different person. More enlightened, more aware of yourself, little changes the result of experiences you've not shared with those that remained. So as the world around continued to live out its everyday existence, i went and changed and now i no longer fit into that crook which once belonged to me. 

Home can be and soon will be a magical place once more. You just need to work at it, rebuild your life as you would in any other new city, except this time it all seems a little more familiar with a little more distractions.

After a crazy hectic time in Sydney and a solid few years of partying and living the crazy life, I'm ready to take it a little more easy. Perhaps i am growing up. I don't crave to be out hitting the bars in the hopes of meeting the man of my dreams, i don't want to dance until daylight breaks, and if i'm to be alone, then so be it. The midnight kebabs have lost their lustre and i may have a fresh salad for dinner these days. I'm looking forward to hitting the gym and being the best i can be.

It seems the more times i've left and returned home, the more i feel like a stranger.  

Is it just that the girl who left isn't the one that has returned?

Random ramblings you'll never hear about

Hi M,

I know i cannot speak to you now that you have disapeared out of my life but sometimes its nice to write a letter. Even if its one you will never read.

So my time in Sydney is coming to an end and i think i am doing alright. Packing up your life, saying goodbye to a city is always difficult, but this time not so bad. I've done it so many times before i think i am getting good at it.

And this time i am packing up my life to return home for good. The concept of home has long awaided me, that is until now. I've travelled in search of greener pastures only to discover that home is where my sanctuary lies. So while i'm sad to leave this city that has become an adopted home, i'm also looking forward to going back to the familiar, seeing my family and friends, never getting lost and knowing where the secret carspots are. The little things...

Emotionally i am doing ok too. I only think of you sometimes these days. Did you know that there's even been another man in my life? He was a lovely man who doted on me and we had a wonderful time together over christmas and new years during the holidays. I even met his brother and sister and daughter. Yes thats right he had a daughter, and while that brought on complications, it also made him all the more endearing. It was lovely to see a man take on so much responsibility, looking after his daughter half the time, putting her needs first.

Its all in the past though. Once the holidays ended life got busy and reality came knocking at both our doors. Sometimes we all get so busy, live in different cities, go on business trips to other countries that we can't savour the importance of those who should be close to us. We don't appreciate the comfort the company of another human being brings. So it fizzled out but really, it was never fireworks. Just a nice relationship. It ended weeks ago really.

So what have i been upto the past few weeks? Well i've been roaming around Sydney. Its a beautiful city you see. A walk to Bondi and catching the waves along the shore, sitting up on a rocky shore staring at the ocean, having an open steak sandwich or a big breakfast brunch at one of the cafes, an occasional rant in my journal whilst listening to tunes on my ipod. Thats life really.

And sometimes i find a quiet spot, I'm a loner in a lot of ways. And i look far out into the ocean and i imagine you by the ocean on another shore. Its a comforting thought, just the water and the waves seperating us, albeit a million miles away.

Other days i go down to Glebe. I've found a pocket of Sydney which i've really come to love. There's a fair trade cafe there, one of those places that try to save the world one coffee bean at a time by purchasing from farmers who aren't getting ripped off by big organisations. Its got lots of counches and stools and exotic cushions and is the perfect place to read a book or people watch.

At times i shop, i am a girl after all. Other days i go a bit more down the tourist trail, sipping coffee by the opera house, sititng under the harbour bridge, wandering around the sunday market at the rocks where captain cook first arrived. Sydney's a lovely city really.

So there you have it. While i still think of you, i still wonder what it would have been like if you had of kept your word, i'm still living my life, I'm still enjoying it. You may have broken my heart and my trust but life goes on.

Well i better get back to packing my life away. Its time to start a new life, say my goodbyes and ce la vie. Life is busy busy so i must go.

I hope your well and happy

Accepting that Fairytales don't always come true

So i've spent the last few years chasing fairytales. At times for just a moment i have lived in them, capturing moments of bliss and warmth, living out my own fairytale where my knight in shining armour holds me ever so gently in his arms.

But reality has always come knocking on my door. Until now my attitude has been that it is better to have loved, than not. That the pain is worth the pleasure.

Many broken hearts later i wonder if i am getting to a turning point in my life. Having had my heart broken so many times, having my trust assualted so many times, am i loosing a certain sense of innocence?

Is that beautiful, naive, optimistic, idealistic girl is growing into a sensible mature young women, too scared to put her heart out to the world anymore. Too protective of a heart thats been trampled one too many times.

Its a sad day that dawns when that innocense is lost.

It seems we get to a stage in life where we must let go of our fairytales and look towards stability and all that is nice. An everyday relationship.

Is that so bad?

How can one break your heart so without even a thought

And once upon a time i met a man, on Palolem beach in Goa at a beach cafe called Dropidees. It was a magical time and in one moment he captured my heart and the next he broke it to pieces.

If only people knew how much hurt and pain they caused when they break your heart.