Its hard to say goodbye properly

So I do miss you. But its still goodbye. You dion;t want to bail me out or make me feel better in this moment in time. In this moment in time that you can decide if I matter. And you choose to let the universe matter. There days of wild young love is long gone. You told me yourself.  You could not get that feeling back.

So there is a man I miss above all for the days of young love. But shomit you are long gone. And so is the new you. Its about now just finding excitement or excitement if someone comes my way.  or if some man turns up that's loves me with kindness and compassion. The kindness and compassion that flows. If I ever meet that man I am more than his to dedicate to his cause for ever. 

Tonight you connected back to Melbourne but choose not to include me

even if it was in private, I would have loved to be part of a conversation.  but you chose some friends.

 I mean nothing to you. Which is ok but it still makes me cry and feel sad.

But I will be ok. You were a random that I gave too much credit to. I slept with you too early. You used me for sex and I used you for connection. We kerns life lessons from each other where meeting was not a waste of time.

But you go your way and I go mine. I don't think we will meet again. I miss Dee and I miss shomit more than I miss you.

You were always half way.

There is a lesson to learn here I have yet to learn. That is why I am still here.

Cloud nine is not always that great

Great advice from Sadhguru. That walking on cloud nine means coming crashing down. Its that delicious fragile difference between inner peace and contentment and too much desire and delusion.

To love without expectation is mastery of something greater. 

Day 2 - Inner engineering

I do feel a shift happening. And I will give this technique a go. I felt happy and in the moment today although my body wasn't cooperating.

A lot of the material is similar to what I have been listening to in the last few months but nice to hear it again from a different angle. I'm interested in the energy work as well and the Kriyā technique he taught. I will do it for forty days and six months and document my new journey. Maybe this is the spiritual awakening I have been seeking. 

Inner engineering with Sadhguru

So I was hungover and just playing it by ear. There were moments I wanted to leave.

But at the end of the day he is amazing. And I have had my spiritual awakening so not everything is new.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

And the universe sent me a sign

I asked the universe to send me a sign to let me know if I should hold on or let go. And sure enough I got my sign. For he posted on facebook his flirtation with another girl.

He has already moved on. And time for me to as well.

I hold him with love and compassion but I let him go.  I am no longer falling asleep in his arms in my dreams.

So goodbye to another you. To another time and place where for a moment in time it was you and I. And goodbye to what will never be. And hello to a lifetime of friendship and spiritual growth. 

On feeling excited and in love

So he contacted me today. We spoke on messenger. Not much but enough to be real and full of spiritual growth.

I love hime so much. He makes me feel excited. The spark is so there. He changes everything. And I miss him and I love him.

I don't know if him reaching out means the same to him as it means to me. I will never know.

I am not going to hold onto expectations. Whatever will be will be. But in my heart I love him. At least in this moment.

And when he contacts me I feel happy. And I respect the meditation he is doing and the spiritual growth.

Maybe it will be he and I. Maybe it will be I with another. Time will tell and yes we meet each other for a reason or season or forever until we are enlightened. 

Needing a big reset but unable to do so

I feel like I need a big change. Living like I do now is not working. I am ok but wasting life away. A really good life.

I miss you a little less each day. Life is getting back to normal.

It was another goodbye today. With a work colleague I knew slightly but realised there was so much I could have known about him if I had of paid more attention. It was lovely none the less but oh so sad.

I do feel stuck. I go on holidays in a few days and hopefully that will be a nice reset. 

Saying goodbye but we may meet again

So tonight I finally get to that point.

Right now I love you but we go our own ways. You have your own thing and I have mine.

Maybe my love was one sided but I will never know. For you did not try to tell me you love me. And perhaps because you don't.

Its ok. Thank you. Good Bye.

One day maybe we meet again. But moist likely not. I think we will just find our own growth. And there was a moment in time we grew together. But that time is long gone. Out spiritual development has taken a turn.

Goodbye and good luck to you that boy I thought I loved.

But rest assured it was real and I love you very much. Or at least the man I thought you were when we first met. And then you changed. But all men do. I thought you were special but you and I are just two lovers like all other broken relationships. We just have the guts to walk away to have better lives.

But goodbye to a better life.

To be happy, kind and caring, I once loved you very much. Was amazed by you. Its nit possible to feel that way again but I miss those days of innocence or manybe a man that can live up to a childhood dream of a perfect man.

I won't hold my breath. Let the excel sheets live my life and be happy.

In some ways I get your thinking

There is only this moment.

It does not matter about you or I in reality for which we both subscribe to as reality.

When there is only this moment and only the present, maybe it does not matter if we are together or not.

Something too ponder but so easy to accept.

I still miss you very much

If you wanted to be together, regardless of you taking a journey. If you wanted to be with me and consider trying for long distance.  I probably would have been receptive.

Instead you gave me no hope. Was it because I was not the right girl? Maybe. It wasn't all that perfect.

Or was it because you need solidarity. A delusion you thought was real before you started chasing girls again.

Do I just need to see your reality. You told me and others you like chasing girls. I was the one that did not respect myself enough to succumb.

Maybe I was a nobody in your world. As time passes and with the wisdom time gives us, I am beginning to see that you did not respect me or treat me well.

Maybe you are another that I will look back on and wonder what I ever saw in you.

My mind still loves you very much. But we have plenty of time in your absence to find the truth.

Vibrating right back at you

So I saw him friending some beautiful young women. Hardcore pretty women. But also some monks so my attention was clearly only focused on the worst. And yes I am a little jealous and a bit insecure even though we are not together. Its easy to only see the best in social media. I bet the reality is quite different.

But then really, even if he was with these beautiful women for a moment, it wouldn't matter. It's not like I am holding onto him. I am back to considering dating and meeting men.

Sometimes they say you meet people vibrating at the same frequency. If that is the case I should not be surprised if he hooks up with another.

It was salsa dancing and dinner with a friend tonight. It was fun.

Sometimes they say everything happens for a reason. And really if he had not of left I would not off gone to the weekend retreat, up north next weekend, the workshops coming and even these dance lessons.

This is the time for me to get my life back. Get some genuine friendships built. Rekindle old ones.

I will trust in the universe.

And also, I wish him all the best happiness and peace in the world regardless of weather he is with these lovely women or not. I let him go to the world. If he comes back to me, I will know I have a keeper. If not, I will recall our time with fondness and gratitude for having had the opportunity to grow together for a moment in time. 

We become our ex's

A very long time ago a friend had a theory. For every guy we break up with, in the next relationship we act like our ex. For some reason there is some truth to that.

Lets start from most recent to the past.

My ex was super spiritual, going to many workshops and retreats and telling me all about it and I felt like I didn't have much on. Now I am doing the same and telling the new potential men all about it.

The ex before was passive and weak and not too motivated. I was like that with A.

D was a social butterfly and the life of the party and always made me laugh. I was like that with N.

D was destructive and hurtful and passive aggressive. I was like that with D.

R was aloof and just wanted to do things his way. I was sort of like that with D.

D was lovely and innocent and supportive. I was like that with R.

Well lots more but I think there is a trend in this. 

On missing you a little less each day

And I knew this would happen but you still have a very special place in my heart.

But today I was quite excited to have found my place for the meditation retreat. On looking forward to my holiday. On looking forward to the two retreats coming up this month.

Looking forward to changing my life.

Its a new night

New revelations and he is long gone.

I miss hime still yes. very very much. I just know that without him feeling the same way we have nothing. So I let go.

My world is open to all.

Thankyou to all the growth and learning and memories and the good times.

We met for a reason and as you said if we are meant to meet again we will. But I will not hold on as in your eyes you did not either. and it was just one way.

So thank you for letting me go. Letting me explore with others.

Goodbye to a boy I was crazy about but he decided he had a higher calling which I respect. The man that walks into my expectation is high but he already has shown that I belong.

So thank you to the universe

Sometimes you put us in awkward situations so we can learn to let go.

A beautiful weekend Yoga and Meditation Retreat

At first I was a little apprehensive. I leave behind my creature comforts for a scout camp with no heating and no ensuite.

Yet it's funny. I live in luxury but I was happier there.

Yes at first I thought I should leave. So many times I just wanted to leave. Yet I stayed and each moment I became more and more peaceful until I did not want to leave.

And they say everything happens for a reason. If A had still been around I never would have signed upto this and I never would have met A who would be able to introduce me to an amazing Thai monastery that just feels right to go to in November.

And there was a moment of jealousy and upheaval when I connected back to facebook but now with loving kindness and a brain of meditation I feel good again. That everything will just work out the way it is meant to be and I need not worry about the outcome.

I just need to fantasise a little less each day about him until he disappears all together. If our paths are meant to cross again, if we can grow spiritually together, I rest assured they will cross again in some form or other than is beneficial to the both of us.

But for right now, everything is as it should be. 

One of the lucky ones

Sometimes you end up in a self fulfilling prophecy. One of the lucky ones. You work hard but the opportunities just get given to you by some magical means.

So even back in the homeland I went to the same school as the presidents daughter. My kinder interview to decide how much my parents would pay for me to go to school was in English and for some reason I killed it even though that was a second language.

And in oz, being so young and so much ahead on the education curve, I rose quite quickly and assimilated so well.

And then the scholarships came in high school. Ending top in an elite private girls school with priveledges most can only dream of.

And then I graduated in top 3% and went onto the best uni in the country and got the best paying part time jobs and lived at home and enjoyed my uni days. I had it easy but I did work hard to succeed.

And the confidence and self fulfilling prophecies just continues. I just believed I was the best of the best and my environment just fed on that and made it a reality.

I got a job in a multinational destined to make me a leader. My career rose. And a few years later I decided that I only wanted to move up so far, For happiness comes with wealth but you don't need to be a millionaire.

Although I did date many millionaires. The boys arrived. They wanted my hand.  There was helicopters and boats and yachts and expensive restaurants and anything I could desire.

Somehow it was not enough. And I bought my perfect place. On my own.

And now I have met a man that is spiritual and downsizing.

And maybe the simpler life is all I want.

Who knows. Time will tell. But I have been lucky.

Today was a little sad and lonely

The office is starting to clear out. So many have left and many more will. Sometimes seeing a person is rare. It was pretty eerie at times. This whole floor for such a small amount of people.

And the goodbye cards are getting smaller as there is not that many people too sign them. We are getting good at the goodbye presentations. The perfect amount of humour and jokes with heartfelt respect and genuine care for those that leave us behind. Everyone is tearing up.

The best thing about this place is the people and they are leaving in the masses.

The last ones standing. Thats who we are. 

On missing you so much

But in a happy way.

I am so happy for you. And genuinely inspired at what you are doing.

So I indulged in tinder and a dating site. Its made me miss you that much more.

And the tiny little message you sent me today to tell me about a great meditation place made my day. A spiritual partner helping me grow but also just staying in touch and connected. Thats all I needed for you to melt my heart.

Maybe I will never get over you babe. Who knows. Maybe its not about forcing myself to move on when clearly my heart is yours. And giving you that heart unconditionally without any expectation of it to be returned by you still makes me happy. For your a good person and lovely and doing oh such a noble thing in this world.

I miss you baby. But maybe I will indulge in living this imaginary life with you for a few more days.

Thank you for staying in touch. I think I love you. 

Maybe I miss you more than I realised

Your my last thought when I fall asleep. Then I dream of you. I go back to getting a hit from you as I wake up. I live an imaginary life with you. Either in the present moment, reliving the past or in our future life as a couple.

My head tells me to move on. But my heart just wants you.

I check your facebook all the time but try not to leave a trace. I am obsessed with you.

I miss you my dear lover. I miss you a lot.

I don't think you do. Your at a higher frequency these days. You have moved on spiritually. And I hold onto memories I know I shouldn't.

I crave to get my life back on track. But somehow I am stuck. 

Trying something new

So today I signed upto elite singles. Lets see where it takes me. I'm open and curious and I have been honest in my profile.

Lets see how this new found inner peace and online dating will pan out.

It was a bit of a hard decision but I am holding on too much to a man that has in some ways left my life. Maybe our paths will cross again as he said in our parting embrace.

But sometimes its best for all involved not to hold our breath and wilt away slowly.

So here's to being open and seeing what the universe has in store for me.

Sipping coffee by the fireplace while listening to some tunes

And yes I am a little sick but oh such luxuries in life. Sick but can take time off from the world to get my head and house in order.

Maybe even some meditation later.

A shift is occurring and it starts with being in the dumps from being sick and just accepting it and getting on with life.

So here's to vibrating at a frequency greater than I have ever experienced. To new beginnings and new life experiences. To falling in love with life and embracing it. 

Sometimes the world vibrates right back at you

And it's so true. Either we match each other and learn or we go our separate ways. At the moment I feel like we are matching a certain sense of peace as well as curiosity and restlessness. And at some stage you may advance beyond or I may or we may vibrate at the same place. Who knows if we will be together.

best outcome is that we both grow as much as we possibly can. 

Starting a new chapter in My new life

As the new moon rises and we enter a new phase in the world and universe, it is also time for me to start a new phase. And sometimes sickness is the driver for the change you need within.

So this weekend is about resting, being good to myself, cleaning and clearing and getting ready for the sculpted vegan lifestyle program. All the while watching sahdguru and continuing with all that is good in my life.

And getting some motivation back at work too. I really need to start doing some good work. 

And now I am sick

Feel a bit of a cough and a cold and potential flu coming on. Kind of feels like I was asking for it as I have not been the healthiest self as of late.

How lucky I am that I can curl up in bed and have access to medicine and nice food in this instance. 

Today was a wonderful day

We finished work early and headed off to the Yarra to enjoy a sunny winter day and a bbq in a place most people would call paradise. With good friends as colleagues and laughter and sunshine and a backdrop so beautiful it takes your breath away. Sometimes Melbourne astounds me so much I feel like a tourist in my own city. I feel so lucky to call this place home.

And yes I was feeling a little sick and not so well but going was oh so worth it. To find beauty in the little things in life. 

On a career that goes in leaps and bounds

So this morning I met up with a director at a global firm. Chatting about next steps and if there is opportunities that may match.

The conclusion was that I would be suitable for a global deal lead role at this particularly successful multinational if the role were to come up. And I had the confidence to ask for exactly what I wanted and he saw that confidence in me to believe in me.

It was so natural meeting him. Reminiscing about the old days when he was my boss' boss. He hired me initially back 10 years ago.

And we have all now left but we are all doing so well.

Sometimes its about enjoying life and the opportunities that come your way when you are true to yourself, honest and genuinely trying to be a good person. 

With each day a little part of you disappears in my heart

And I realise that eventually with time there may not be a you and I. How feelings are so impermanent and fleeting. That we are just the thoughts and emotions getting carried away by the way you make me feel. That perhaps the connection was but a delusion.

And I continue to learn the life lessons.

The scariest of them all is that there may come a time where I do not have feelings for you. They will be long gone and potentially never to reemerge ever again.

The door of my heart is opening to whoever may want to enter. Lets let the universe decide.  For this love story may be coming to a beautiful ending. 

Chemistry and Sparks

So I had not seen you in a while and we were finally meeting for a coffee after a year or so. Last time I saw you, I was pretty depressed. This time I was feeling so happy and on top of my game.

So we hugged and kissed. That kiss on the cheek was firm but gentle and you casually laced your hand possessively around my waste drawing me ever so close to you. And as we walked there was the occasional touch as well as the shoulder graze.

The chemistry was definitely there.

I like another and we could probably never go anywhere. God knows we tried many years ago and got nowhere.

But sparks can grow and sparks can die. And who knows if you or him or someone completely new will become my significant other. Only time will tell. 

My time to grow

Sometimes I think the universe times things perfectly. Sure I met a guy I really want to be with but my life was never ready to accept him.

His absence is giving me time to find my life again. That happiness within myself. He ignited that love for life again and left so I could rebuild my life.

So its salsa dancing with a friend, dinner parties with others, a vegan lifestyle and new exercise routine and coffees with many more just reconnecting and enjoying that life.

Such that when the time is right for me to meet someone, they get one half of a couple that is complete and happy.

Doing what you love

So my companies not been doing well lately and as a result I haven't really been selling anything. Just helping out with execution while waiting for us to somehow come out at the other end - most likely with a new owner and another name.

I've been passing time and getting involved with various bits of interesting things but also getting a work life balance that I've never really had before. Enjoying the life part but pretty unproductive and bored at work regardless of whether I have things to do or not.

And then today my manager asked me to do a rare sales activity in preparation for some other things. I was the most productive ever and thoroughly enjoyed the day. It really made me realise that I am in the right role. I have found that thing I am passionate about. And when you have passion there is focus and productivity. It was a great piece of quality work too.

It's a nice affirmation.