Just raw emotion

I dream of him daily these days. And we message daily. He has become my best friend and confidant. I look forward to seeing him once this pandemic world returns to semi normal.

Someone that is easy to talk to and confide in. And so very attractive.  From true friendship to love. 

I wonder what we will be. But these days I just can't stop thinking about him. Back then was not the right timing but now is different.

I wonder if he feels the same way. Or if we are just two platonic friends. 

Only the universe will know. But the connection I feel is so so strong!

I'm in love

 For real this time. But he does not know. Maybe he will never know.

And he's been in front of me this whole life. I met him over a decade ago. But I didn't see him. Didn't value the friendship. Didn't see the real him.

I am falling head over heels for a guy that lives in a different continent in the midst of a pandemic which makes flying so hard. But I feel so close to him. We chat and enjoy but really there is something unspoken between us. 

To have it all in this world but not being able to tell him how I actually feel. I wonder if he feels the same. 

How could we make it work?

                

On imagining

 So maybe we could have that future? I think yes. You and I - we work

 So there is someone I get excited about. But he is unexpected. Like always there but always not. I can see this work but it is complicated. But what happens when you meet someone you trust absolutely.  Does he move? do I move? we can both move? I am excited once more for a man. This time it feels real. We are truly best friends. With a smile on my face I fall asleep.

That guy is a distant memory

So the last man i was with. He was gone for a spiritual journey. He is back now. I may have wanted hime before he left but i don't want him now. Not because he is better or worse. But we didn't work. He was not respectful with me. He was selfish. And he can pretend to be as spiritual as he wants but i know he treated me like shit. And if that is how you treat those closest to you, your grand gestures mean very little.

time and time again i start over

Its hard. I do so well generally. and at times i do so well all the time. I need to find a way to capture that. All the external things i cared about have fallen away. I care about me on the inside. its different.