A little bit insecure

Although at times i feel that out of entitlement i should not feel this way.

I'm just not sure how to feel. I have initiated much contact. Yet your still online and with other women. Every now and then i get a message from you. It lasts a little while and i think i am on top of the world but in reality i fall back down.

And in another man there is stability and a lifetime of trust.

Am i still learning lessons in love?

On top of the world

With beautiful friends and family and a man by my side and a brillient career, life just couldn't get any better.

Happy happy, Joy Joy...

Feeling the rush

Today was my big day, that milestone birthday. but i was also working on closing a 20 million dollar deal.  Delegating step by step instructions to a guy that works for me, throwing him into the deep end and providing him with an oportunity to shine, negotiating with a supplier at the last minute and sneaking away such that i was only ten minutes late to my own birthday.

I like making the world spin. Its fun!

A milestone Birthday

And today i enter my thirties and its actually a wonderful feeling.  I was cool calm and collected at work, the ultimate in making it big and then there are my lovely friends who all gathered around for a dinner in a cosy booth which was just about perfect! And then there was that sms from the man of the moment who may become something more sending me kisses. Perfection was topped off with that call from mum and dad wishing me only the very best in the world.

I eneter my thirties with my life sorted in so many ways. I've got it all together and the love and friendships are brimming with life and happiness.

I look forward to a decade where confidence and certainty are a given, i am a nicer person completely aware of who i am and where i am going. I am surrounded by friends and family that love me to bits, money is flowing and life is truly beautiful.

Deep down i know he is a good man

I think he feels that i have betrayed him.

I didn't mean to but i sort of have but i do think the world of him.

I also know i will turn this around. He is lovely. We will work it out.

Tonight is my last night in my twenties

Its funny how a certain time is coming to an end. I thought a new era was just beginning.

I recall last year. I recall how my friends were wonderful. I also recalling waiting for a man who finally sent a measly text.

Its funny how friendships just get stronger, life gets brighter, career just grows and grows. But men, its all about tears and waiting for a message that never comes or is just that little bit too late.

For a moment it was bliss

You were in my thoughts for a while. It was a lovely feeling. You were the man i would stand beside. You were crazy for me. You treated me so well. You could not get enough of me. You were calling and messaging. Calling me sweet words.

What happened? Are you just another man like every one that came before you? Was it all an act? Was it acting out of infatuation?

Its hurts.

How could you change like this?

You had the chance to contact me and instead you chose to update your profile for another women you have not even met yet.

Do i mean that little?

I feel sad

I was on cloud nine the other day, having met a man that was right in front of me and hearing his sweet words. And now i feel that first frost of betrayal, leading into sadness.

I can understand how you may feel betrayed or perhaps your feelings have just faded away although i find that so hard to believe. The thing is you are seeking others. You had time to update your profile but no time to send me a message.

Trust is such a fragile thing. Its hurts that we have broken it so fast.

I've barely been with you for a moment, yet the tears are falling fast. This time round it felt so right and pure. Perhaps it always does.

I don't want to get over you.

A simple misunderstanding

Working and dating is complicated. Especially when one is working on the same deals as a crush. I may of said the wrong thing in haste. And now he may feel betrayed even though i never meant it in that way.

So that doting man is no longer doting. I have a good feeling we will work it out once he returns. Once he see's me and my smile.

Life is odd at times. I feel strangely happy at having met the man of my dreams once more. But this time i feel he has a heart of gold and may be the one. I hope he is acting in defence and see the brighter side of day once we talk.

I feel a tad hurt at the same time too. He made me feel like i was his everything. Now i wonder if i am not.

On giving up on desi men

So recently i have been concious of my own culture. On wanting to date a indian or sri lankan man because we would share the same skin color and values.

But the thing is my efforts have been fruitful. I got hurt by many a man in this category.

And a white man has always been interested. Amd he is talking of spending a lifetime together. Perhaps i could fall in love with him?

I sort of already am. I can't stop thinking about him...

When it all becomes so clear and easy

You like me. I like you.

I have no hesitation in contacting you and making a move. You care for me back.

We talk of a furture together and enjoy the present moments. We are both free spirits yet connected through the distance and the oceans that are our lives.

I'm in love once more, but this times it feels real, it feels right.

I can see you in my future. I can see myself growing old enjoy the isdom of your company. I can picture long drives into the country side and walking hand in hand, side by side through life.

Its really as simple as that.

On dating an emotionally intelligent man

Its such a beautiful chnage. A man that appreciates you and thinks the world of you. A man that is curious to find out all about you and a man that wants to look into the distant future with you by his side.

Its a lovely feeling, things are just falling into place, no need for any games or mind games.

Simple really.

Beautiful.

I like him because he is kind

I think of him and the way he treated me the other day. He was kind and generous, attentive of both me and my friend with all her food allergies. He was a perfect gentleman.

I think he is a really good person. Somebody i could trust with my life if i had to. The kind of man that would be by your side forever if you capture your heart.

And i think i have. I am his dream girl. The one thats slightly elusive but not impossible.

Sometimes its nice to give yourself a break

And this week has been somewhat it. I've been eating junk, hanging out at my local backpacker pizza joint, enjoying sipping on cheap merlot and plenty of mudcake, sticky date puddings and mars bar slices. I've been skipping breakfast and wading off the hunger with multiple coffees.  My exercise has been from the drive way to my car, and does the distance between the bed and the couch count?

But you know what? Its all ok. I'm super fabulous fit all of the time. Its ok to let yourself go sometimes and lower you expectations.

I can run marathons and be perfect any other day.

So is it because i broke up with a lover or because i have discovered a new one? Am i hurting or in the realms of starting something wonderful?

I can't stop thinking about him

He made his move. I have yet to make mine.
He is on my mind. Growing in attraction. Today all i could think of was making love to him, feeling his shoulders and letting myself sink into his arms. That sweet moment of a kiss.

A year of sexual tension is worth this feeling.

Any doubts i had are out the window. I know it's in my court, i know what i need to do.

He is lovely. I am falling for him. This time it is easy. It is mutual. It is real.

We have known each other for 18 months almost. We have grown in respect for each other. I think you are brilliant. I think you are brilliant.

I'm crazy over him

Unexpected but i am.

Maybe i just needed some time.
Now to make it work with my professional life.

When you know you have it

So i turned upto his bbq the other day in that casual chick yet ultra cool and stylish outfit. Low on makeup, high on style without being too made up.
I got along with your friends and was a world of class and fun.

And you treated me like a princess.

And i have noticed.

And now your on my mind and i can't stop thinking about you.

Do you remember when we were young

Many many years ago, eyes bright, starlight, we embarked on a journey into the world. I was looking through photo's of those days. When we were nobodies on a life journey. We knew we would all become something special but had the tenderness and innocence of young lifes and love.

We were on a journey together and the best university in the land. We were to become lawyers, doctors, engineers and investment bankers. The pot of gold was a given and we were there to have a good life. Remember the soccer games and the drinking on south lawn, remember the rnb nights and the cultural shows.

We knew we were lucky. We knew we would make it. I sometimes think thought that these days we have exceeded the expectations anyone had of us. We are a confident bunch, always were.

And looking back at that photographs i see the youth and innocence in out eyes. Life is awesome these days. We are all somebodies traversing the world, decked in designer gear, owning out own property portfilio's and playing the stockmarket.

Yet i see a certain glimmer in our eyes in the photographs of yesterday that capture the glint of what may come. The wonder of not having lived but knowing you will.

That delicious feeling of falling in love .. slowly

So this morning i put a tad extra effort into the way i looked. And i felt excited everytime our eyes met. The electricity between us growing and growing.

Its nice to be thinking of you.

Yes, I am falling for you. Your kindness and generosity. The way you treated me the other day was lovely. The type of man every girl wants to be with.

I can't stop smiling.

Could i be with a white man

Sometimes in my morerebellious moments i thought i would end up with a white man. Almost fantasized about it. The allure of what i can't have, what won't have me...

And now there is a man that may be a forever. I keep thinking that he is not brown. There is a man so wrong for me that i feel so comfortable lying in his arms.

Could i spend a lifetime with him?

Another him

Perfect gentlement, chivalrous, successful, Stoic, Perfect?

Do i want to settle down and have kids

It seems like it is time in life to start thinking about the future. I don't want to neccesarily have kids and the whole hoohah but i do crave having a man to love me and cherish me.

I meet men and i fall for them. I meet others and feel scared to enter into something because they may love me forever.

There are two men in my life right now that are seriously thinking of me as marriage material. What do i feel?

Can i see him in my future

Lately i've been meeting men that want to settle down. The thing is, its a different game and these are men you do not want to jump straight into bed with. They are the men thinking about their forever's.

Am I ready to settle down? At times i;m convinced of this as i get with a guy thats not ready for this and crave that he was. Why not make life easier by actually dating the men that are looking for a girl to make their world.

Baby steps. Who will it be?

A spark reignited

So a very long time ago i went on a date with a man, and then he got busy and never made the time to turn up for another date, and then he suddently was available amoungst his sudden cancellations but by that stage i had moved on, forwards and onwards with my life.

And then he reappeared in my life, at work. Awkward.

But as time moved on i like his sttention, the flirtations and the little bit of excitement.

And today we got a chance to talk. It was a little bit more that i would have let happen. And your still keen. And i think i like you.

Its funny, you meet a man thats madly in love with you and all you want to do is move slower to explore things. Then you meet a man that is just not into you and all that you wish for is that he would call and dote on you 24/7.

But i'm excited by this man. Slightly scared because he is looking for the real thing. The complications of an office romance in the mix for good measure.

Lets see where life will lead...

Goodbye sweet romance

It’s one of those funny feelings. If I had of kept going, so would you of. We could have kept going for years on end. No real depth, a little bit of mediocrity mixed with a longing to be with somebody.

I walked away because I wanted more. Your actions or lack thereof has affirmed my view of you. Doing the absolute minimum to get by leading a semi content yet insignificant existence. Your not reaching for the stars and I applaud your ability to be happy with the status quo.

And then I can’t blame you for anything. You were always just yourself. I on the other hand was living fairytales in my mind. I was projecting what I want out of life and what I want in a man onto yourself in false pretense. You and I were never going to be a match if I had of had my eyes wide open.

Sometimes we get caught up in the first flushes of lust disguised as a to be love and are blinded to the reality which is right before us.  Goodbye sweet romance, to falling asleep in your arms and waking up and feeling the warmth of another.

We were never to be….