Too caught up to dwelve on him

Sometimes travelling is good. It gives you space that you often will not give yourself. Sure i miss him but i have barely a moment to think about him.

Yes i glance at my phone excitely everytime my blackberry beeps, thinking he will drop me a line. He hasn't. Its ok. I still like him and he likes me even though we are not exclusive or even together. Time away makes you see reality for what it is.

If i want to make it work with him i know i could. And the answer is to keep doing what i am doing right now.

I haven't written to him not to play games but simply because life has become busy and i don't have enough time in my day.

Also, I'm slowly seeing what we have together for what it is and seeing how he feels. I think we have something beautiful together and it could grow into a forever but right now its in that hit or miss dating stage. Lately its been hitting than missing and there have been some wonderful times.

But i'm still prepared to see other men. I'm still prepared to keep my options open. I don't quite want to but i do myself no justice holding onto a man that does not feel the same about me and is still making up his mind.

Today i learnt that i still have it

You know those moments where you feel a little like an imposter but have years of experience and confidence accumulated that you know you won't get caught out so don't really stress about it.

Well today i proved that i had nothing to worry about anyways. I got it all working, i figured out what was wrong and i shined pretty bright. I run away from the technical side sometimes and prefer to live in my management hat. Its nice to be able to do the ground work too.

I feel satisfied today. A step back, a step forward.

I'm soo tired but i still love my life

I can barely keep my eyes open. Its work, its 8 hours of pitching, its been truck in Seoul traffic for hours on end, its polite conversations in someone elses world, its eating the unfamiliar and its transending boundaries.

I'm so tired i can barely type or keep my eyes open.  Its from cab to five star hotel and office and restaurant and business meetings and repeat all over again.

Yet i still love it. This is what i was made for. This is what i have always wanted. I can make it seem less than ideal and that its not so great once you living the life. Sure the reality of hardwork comes to play, but i still love it. I am the envy of the world and have achieved exactly what i hoped for in my dreams.

I still miss my man though. I was in the can the other day and i must of had that dreamy look gazing out at someone elses world. The cabbie turned around and asked if i was thinking of my boyfriend.

I've met you to learn life lessons

A long time ago i got hurt in love. And for a long time, without realising i have been living in the shadows of defence. Just not letting life get too deep that i could possibly feel that hurt again.

And then i met you. Some people you meet to learn life lessons. And this one is on letting someone in through the walls, through the uncertainty, in trusting that you are a good person and trusting that the some risks are worth taking.

I don't know where we are heading.

Are we destined to learn a life lesson together or is this a forever something?

Only time will tell.

(I am falling in love with you)

Tomorrow i'm off again

This time to SK on yet another business trip. What does await, who really knows.

I'm slightly anxious about leaving my life once more but feel it may be the best thing also. Travel provides perspectives and space and time that otherwise is hard to come by. Your so busy discovering the wonder of the world and coming to terms with the deepest secrets of your being, that all the whimsicle parts of life just fall away.

I'm excited and scared at the same time.

Deep down i'm craving to settle down in his arms. On the surface i traverse the world on a whim, one adventure at a time.

Cept this time, the real adventure i seek is in his arms. This is new to me. I've seen the world but have yet to experience love.

The best day in the history of the world

Waking up at dawn and running that 10km with my man, just one step at a time, motivating each other to not stop along the way and keep on going. Coming back home and falling asleep in his arms, cuddling, kissing, touching and lazily waking up at three to wander through the sunshine and grab breakfast in that retro old school cafe to the backdrop of Audrey hepburn movies. A wander through the sunshine holding hands, conversations that drill deep into each others lives, the gentle touch and the warmth of his caress. Looking longingly into his eyes and hugging him goodbye.

Its baby steps and its a whirlwind romance. I can see myself falling for him and i'm scared because it can be incredibly beautiful or incredibly painful based on if we find or lose each other.

Life is complicated. We don't know where life will lead. Its beautiful when two people open up. I am learning life lessons on love.

Should i just get to know him better

Go back to those first moments without jumping too deep second time around. Get deep into his mind, laugh, enjoy, run and just be simple together.

Its tempting to stay

But temptation doesn't lead to all that much. I have honesty and truth.

And at the heart of the matter is the fact that he is young. At 26 i had other things on my mind also.

When you know you love your job

I'm actually quite sick and working away from home and you know whats going through my mind. How i absolutely love my job.

I love what i do. I love how i do it. I love the people, the imagination it requires, the skill and the power that comes with it.  I truly genuinely enjoy and get a kick out of making the world spin just a tad faster.

I'm glad i had the wisdom to take some time out

Sometimes you need to vent to the world. To validate yourself. To go into the motions of denial and self protection before admitting to the world that you are in a little bit of a way hurt.  Or perhaps in a little lot of a way.

I'm glad i took the time to think it over. We are going for a run tomorrow night and we will talk it out.

The thing is, i have a fun time with him. But then as i long as i stay i don't let other doors open so i know whats good for me. And in the long term i don't think he is right for me. I need a man with more ambition and passion to match me in life. 

But i want to be friends. I want to run with him. I want to hang out with him and be his friend.

The emotional rollercoaster

Sometimes i wonder about all of this. Our pride and the way we work.

How fabulous we are that we forget the simple things.

Deep down i still like him. I wish he had turned out to be the doting man i hope for. But he isn't. He's young. He had others in his sites maybe.

The balls in my court and he already knows he's out the door.

If only i didn't know what i know. If only i didn't realise that i want spectacular and that i wouldn't settle for anything less

If your dream man appeared tomorrow would you stay with him another second?

Thats what she said to me. And when i thought of it, the answer was a resounding no.

For he was not my dream man. Heck, not even close to my type. So what was it that i saw in him?

Yes i found him to be a calming influence on a life which resembles organised chaos at it's greatest. But one day surely i would find his lack of ambition and motivation something other than endearing.

He is such a good man with a good heart, stable and down to earth. Sometimes that isn't enough.

I met the man of my dreams about one year ago

Unfinished stories. Two lives left in limbo.

Remember that very first conversation and how we discovered a mutual passion for mountain climbing? Remember those first oysters that we shared over cocktails? Remember those white ochards you gave me that lasted much longer that your stay in my life? Remember out running dates and how you taught me to rock climb?

With you there was never any doubt in my mind. I know i should stop trying to live in the past.

but....

Sometimes you need to let them go to see if they will fly back to you

And either way you have your answer.

And either way you do not living your own life.

I don't do ordinary

Everything that happens to me is spectacular in some way shape or form. That’s just me, that’s how I roll. It’s the passion and intensity I bestow to everything I do in life.

I don’t do things half way, I never tip my feet in the water to see how warm it is, I just dive straight in, facing my fears and having a blast.  I constantly challenge myself to achieve greater levels of excellence. At work, in friendships, in my relationship with my family and in lovers. 

Life is not about living in the safety of shadows but more about taking a risk and giving yourself the freedom to shine like the brightest star in the sky.  It’s about being the best you can me, every moment of every day. 

What your offering is something mediocre. It doesn’t excite me, it’s not a fairytale romance full of spark.  It’s being content with the ordinary.

I’m not ordinary.

Floating along in no mans land

I feel somewhat like I am in no mans land.  Having broken up with my man I feel a tinge of sadness but also a bout of liberation for asking for what I want and having the courage to walk away.

I was nice, I was gentle, he know’s I like him and I know where his head is at. He said to me, this is the most honest conversation we have ever had.  He is a good man with a good heart but you can’t speed up other people’s lives and you can’t slow down your own either. I can see this as a friendship to value and cherish. I want him in my life.

The thing is a certain chapter in my life is closing. I am learning to express myself, to ask for what I want in love, to think positive and know that the world will deliver in all its splendour the most perfect relationship for me. 

Because that’s just who I am. I’m the type of person that everything just works out for and I suddenly find myself with the perfect life, time after time.

Opening another door

Sometimes you need to voice what you want and stop accepting what you get. Everything that has made me successful at work need not be thrown away in my love life. There are certain lessons in respect and humility and understanding that I have learnt that will transcend any situation, weather that be social, at work or in love. 

Last night I asked him gently where we were at and I didn’t hear the answer I wanted to hear. I told him where I was at and where that mismatch was. That I was ready to walk away but still be the best of friends. Just without the benefits.

And it felt good.

While its tempting to stay, sometimes taking back your own power, respecting yourself, craving for a man to take you out and call you special and tell you he wants you in his life forever. If that’s missing from him, I have only myself to blame for staying put. 

And with him I learnt a life lesson. A lesson on asking for what I want, for going after what I want, for being honest, for having the courage to call it quites when it doesn’t work.

And I have opened a door.

Anxious but not as much as i used to be

Today is the day i talk to you. Really talk to you from my heart with my insecurities.

I know something about you. A side that you've never revealed to me. I want to know how you feel.

Its also the day i test my judgement. I think you are a good person with a beautiful heart and this time i don't even think you need the benefit of the doubt because i believe in you.

Let's just have a chat.

The power of family

You know what, sometimes life is nothing without family.

I love how she care's about me, how he cares about me. How i have a mum and dad that i can call on to save me if i need them. But they brought me up so well i will never need saving.

I love how they care. How no one else calls but they do.

I'm scared

Yes thats right, I'm scared.

Its one ofthose moments when the grey areas are no longer bearable and you need to make a decision. Say goodbye to waking up in your arms just in case it meant nothing to you.

I trust my instincts. I still think i mean a whole lot to you.

I'm still scared. I wish it was a whole lot easier.

I struggle to communicate. I struggle to tell you how i feel.

There is always an element of risk

When you go on that very first date, you don't anticipate all thats to come. The ups and down's and the ultimate high's. The betrayals and the friendships that keep it all alive.

But the things is, that is life, and staying on the sidelines not living at all is even worse. And this time i think i have given it my all with everything i have. I have learnt to be gentle and effectionate and i have learnt to love someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. I have learnt to be positive and honest about my feelings and to just be myself.

When we enter certain unchartered territories i have learnt to depend on my friends, be calm and put my self in others shoes.

I have enjoyed being with him. The risks i have taken and paid their dues.

Lets just hope he turns out to be the honest and good man that i think he is.

wondering

Dear N,

We met some time ago and it went so well. You were calling, we were going out, you treated me like a princess, opened doors and we had conversations to transend time, getting to know each other just a little at a time.

But recently things have been different. I found out something last week. I found out you were back on that site actively looking for another.

And myself, i had my indescretion last weekend which made me realise how much i want you and need you. All i kept thinking was that he wasn't you. Its funny how a mistake with another man makes me appreciate you more.

We haven't had that exclusive talk. We are just dating. Neither of us doing anything wrong,

But N, it hurts. It hurts that you can hold me in your arms and kiss me so gently and still think of others.

I think its too long on the sidelines right now. I'm no longer wanting to play this game. Tomorrow i want some honesty. I want to know how you feel. I want to know if its time to say goodbye or if its time to say hello.

N, i'm scared.

N, I hope i mean the world to you.

Chicken Soup

On my couch, with my tunes, with my quilt, willing the world away, staring at another world and slightly lightheaded.

Sometimes i push my body too far and just need to spend a few days relaxing and letting my body to recover. So its me, my apartment and some chicken soup.

Lately life has been going well. I;ve stopped being so negative about relationships, stopped living in the past and what a difference it has made.

I've made a concious effort to think of my man and only my man. To let my heart skip a beat when he walks in through that door and let him know i'm excited and happy to see him. I've just been myself and life has been beautiful.

This morning he held me in his arms and kissed me goodbye

So things have been going well lately with my man. Last weekend's indescretions had somewhat kickstarted some feelings in myself to stop hiding behind the safety net of dates and just to trust him and have faith.

Since then its been movies, its been running, its been challenging ourselves, its been cooking for him, making love and falling asleep in his arms.

Yes - things are lovely right now.

I miss my bestie

She flew away for two weeks on a worktrip to the USA to save the world one stemcell at a time. The thing is her absence makes me miss her. I miss our twenty emails a day of silly conversation around our lives. I miss gloating about how lucky we are and willowing about all that bothers us, while at the same time realising that none of our problems are actually problems at all.

I miss not being able to call her as she roams the world. I miss not having someone to call for no reason.

Sometimes friends are just a beautiful thing.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow

He's trying hard, he's making an effort and i can't wait to see him and give him a hug and look deep into his arms and hold that kiss for but a moment.

I can't wait to lie in his arms as we watch that movie, i can't wait to have a bite to eat afterwards while discussing the ways of the world and the little snippets of our lives that have become such a large part of one another.

I can't wait to tell him about my week, what i've been upto and all the crazy and wacky things that have made my day.

And now i'm getting sick

Woke up this morning with that feeling in my throat. Making it in to work it just starts getting worse, just a tad at the time. Two of the guys that work for me call in sick.

This is not looking good and i have a date with my man tomorrow night. Sipping on hot tea, herbal medicine, western medicine. Cold Cold, go away, never come back, not even for a day.

And i need to wash my hair, pamper myself. I can't wait to see him tomorrow. To have him hold me in his arms, to look deep into his eyes, for him to brush my hair gently to the side and for him to hold my hand.

So like every other time i almost get sick, lets just scare this away....